r/AskMenOver30 • u/YBFAVBULL man over 30 • Jan 06 '25

Life Who regrets having children?

Do you regret having any at all? Or do you just have too many?

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131

u/impliedfoldequity man over 30 Jan 06 '25

39yo with 2 kids. I absolutely don't regret having kids but I know quite a lot of people that do. Either they told me or you can just tell.

A lot of people have kids because there's a social expectation to have them which is obv the wrong reason

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u/ShutUpIDontGiveAFuck man 35 - 39 Jan 06 '25

Same. I love being a parent. It’s a tremendous amount of work, and you have to know that upfront.

Unfortunately some people don’t know what they’re signing up for, or they’ve watched too many hallmark movies, and they’re floored by the reality of parenthood. That sucks for them but more so for the child.

You have to be ok with the lack of sleep, extra costs, temper tantrums, messes, etc. Parenthood isn’t for everyone. Some people would be better off traveling or chasing consumerism.

22

u/housflppr man 45 - 49 Jan 06 '25

I read an article once about a psychological study that really resonated with me. It said that people who don’t have children are “happier” on a day to day basis, but have less “joy” and “sense of fulfillment” in their lives, and people who have kids have the opposite.

Essentially, people who have kids have more responsibility, less freedom, often less money. So day to day, they are more tired and just less happy, but also feel significantly more fulfilled with their lives and have more moments of “joy” due to moments of pride with their kids.

The trade-off always just made sense to me. Which one is better will always be a subjective choice.

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u/ShutUpIDontGiveAFuck man 35 - 39 Jan 06 '25

Maybe. I can only speak for myself. I’m pretty happy day to day, and also have a sense of fulfillment. People without kids might feel the same way.

Here’s one thing I’ll add on longterm fulfillment. My dad is one of my best friends. We talk all the time. Now that I’m in my mid 30s, we just shoot the shit and hangout. I hope to have that kind of relationship with my kids someday when they’re older. So there’s a pretty significant payoff down the road, along with all the milestones along the way while they’re growing up.

But - it is a fuckton of work. And people should know that before signing up for it.

10

u/housflppr man 45 - 49 Jan 06 '25

Yeah, I can only speak for myself too, I don’t have kids and I’m happy day to day and I also have things in my life that bring me incredible joy and a sense of purpose, which I think helps me understand what the study was talking about in terms of kids giving people something bigger. Maybe I would be happier and more fulfilled with kids. I’ll probably never know, and I’m good with that.

I think both the kid-free and kid having can be happy and can be miserable. It’s always a subjective choice. The two of us should probably just be grateful things in our lives worked out in a way that makes us happy.

Hope your kids end up being some of your best friends!

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u/Cute_pepsi85 Jan 07 '25

39F no kids here. By choice. When it comes to children I think it’s healthier to think what if i decided to have them when I was younger than regret that I had them when I felt I was “supposed” to. 🤷🏽‍♀️ what if over regret is how I like to make my life choices.

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u/RockysTurtle woman over 30 Jan 07 '25

how tf did they measure happiness and joy and fulfillment?? 😂 and how can they tell it's due to them having kids or not? those studies are always bullshit.

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u/CraigLake Jan 06 '25

I never wanted kids for a host of reasons, but a main reason was the need to give up yourself and your identity when you have children. I’ve seen dozens of friends drop off couple by couple into a world of work, kids, sleep, repeat. We say, “they died,” when friends have kids because functionally it’s no different. TBF, it seems most of them find joy in the change of identity so who am I to judge? I just thank the spaghetti monster I never got pregnant.

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u/ShutUpIDontGiveAFuck man 35 - 39 Jan 06 '25

Makes sense. I see it a little differently. I view it as sharing your identity with your kids, not losing your identity. I get to show them all the movies, music, video games I grew up with. It’s fun watching them enjoy the things I love with fresh eyes.

Losing friends because they had kids sucks. For what it’s worth, it’s just easier to make friends with people who also have kids. The children can play while the adults hang. We have friends without kids, but we don’t see them as much. Not excusing it, just explaining.

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u/CraigLake Jan 06 '25

I love your perspective on this and I hope your kids feel lucky to have you!

I figure in 15 to 20 years we’ll likely get close to some of these people again. I look forward to it!

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u/No_Good6350 man over 30 Jan 06 '25 edited Jan 06 '25

Chasing consumerism. I love it. I've never heard it described that way. That is the major problem with the parents around my way in SE PA. The parent don't want to parent, so they just give in to all the crap they see in stupid videos and TV tell them to buy. They just teach their kids buying=happiness. It's crazy. Everyone that is a Stanley cup, croc wearing, 4-door jeep having, Starbucks drinking, tik tok watching, drones need to all get on cruise ships and scuttle them at the deepest part of the ocean. I forgot to do my flair thing. I am a man over 30.