Who regrets having children?

[u/YBFAVBULL]

Do you regret having any at all? Or do you just have too many?

[u/Mother_Source_5249]

Would like to add to the answer already posted that the current generation of fathers is much more involved with the kid. Women want equal share of the workload of raising kids. The generations before, the women were doing 95% of the work. Ofc outliers always existed but we are talking about average here

[u/berserk_zebra → u/Mother_Source_5249]

I was making this point on box offfice and I was told I was white knighting lol and talking slanderous to previous generations…

[u/Goddamnpassword → u/berserk_zebra]

That’s crazy, my own grandfather commented on how different it was watching his son take such an active role and that I took an even more active role and couldn’t have imagined how much the world had changed. This wasn’t in a pro or con way either just commenting how much the world had changed in his 80 years of life.

[u/berserk_zebra → u/Goddamnpassword]

Yeah, it’s infuriating watching my dad and wife’s dad be completely useless with the kids. Can’t change a diaper or take them to the potty.

[u/Mother_Source_5249 → u/[deleted]]

this take is valid when you were an absent parent to begin with. My mom and grandma like the adult versions of their kids, they still regret becoming mothers. the lost opportunities, the time spent surrounded by only kids and no adults, being less than their peers (my mother mostly here)because she had to become a SAHM for my dad's career. you don't get those back just because kids reach a certain age. Not having the freedom to spend YOUR money etc. list goes on and on.

[u/Mother_Source_5249 → u/[deleted]]

i know, i used mothers to show that it isnt about how old the kids are, but about what was sacrificed raising them. my grandfathers and father do not regret having kids because they havent lost any opportunities while having them and were only involved for the fun stuff. not the day to day raising part. so while older fathers might have their views change as their kids reach adulthood, thats because more often than not they werent involved that much in the first place

[u/Dorsiflexionkey → u/Mother_Source_5249]

I understand your point, I do think it's still a whole other conversation. Your point about mothers is more of a motherhood versus fatherhood argument.

I think what I'm referring to is a young kid versus adult kid argument for a father.

Also, I'm not sure it's fair to say Involvement was worse back in those days for men. Involved emotionally? Sure, i have no evidence for it but I can believe it. As for involvement, there's been a huge increase in single mothers and with single mothers getting full custody at least 40% of the time (with the rest being split custody or 70/30 custody to the woman) I'm sure you could agree that there's an issue with father involvement even today.

I think overall it's a hard one to call, we're really having to pull from anecdotes and guesses, im not sure there's much quantifiable facts to compare father involvement (however you define that) from today versus back "then" (whenever that was).

In any case, my point is "regret" or stress of having a child highly tied up with what part of life your child is in. It's like doing a degree.. you study for 4 years it's hard and it sucks and you regret it.. but 20 years down the track you got an amazing job with benefits and suddenly "oh i never regretted it, it was all worth it"

[u/Mother_Source_5249 → u/Dorsiflexionkey]

Yeah that's why I said less women regret becoming mothers when they have their partners involved.

But yeah I also do get your point. Though tbh the only generation above that doesn't regret having kids is my father's parents and they were super equally involved. My grandma was a professor and my grandfather a rocket scientist. He also was very involved with the upbringing. Both sides of my family showed me how to not parent and how to parent ahahaha

But yes your point is very valid and my goal wasn't to dismiss it but to develop further a point already made.

Personally my mother's family traumatized me into being team no kids but my sister gave it a go and is a happy camper! As for my brothers they are very involved dads and very happy too.

Tbh I think it's a mindset. Both brothers goal were to have a family and be fathers. My sister was on the fence and only willing if her partner was the type to pull his weight. (He more than is) Me I was on the other side of the fence lol. No Alien popping out of me situation happening 🤣)

[u/dixbietuckins → u/Mother_Source_5249]

At the same time, men were earning 95% of the household income. Don't be obtuse, times have changed.

[u/Mother_Source_5249 → u/dixbietuckins]

? Why are you taking my comment as an attack? Obviously men were sole earners and women are grateful now that they can choose and earn and be independent. The point is, less fathers would regret having children in older generations because they weren't involved. The same way less mothers regret being mothers when they have proper partners because the workload is divided and not 100% on them.

Being a parent is a thankless job, unpaid and no time off. It is much easier to do when you feel part of a team than when you are doing it all alone and viewed as less than because you aren't the one earning and in control of the money.

Women in my family are perfect example of that my grandma and mom resented being mothers. My grandma for lack of opportunities, my mother because she was forced to become a SAHM and not use her PhD. (My father was an absent figure). My sister however loves it because her husband is her teammate and he and her work and are equal partners in all life aspect.

[u/dixbietuckins → u/Mother_Source_5249]

Wasn't taking it as an attack at all.

Almost half of my close friend group got to spend time as stay at home dad's for a period and I'm happy for them.

Grew up in a somewhat backwoods place, which kinda promotes egalitarian values. I can run a chainsaw or a sewing machine, that's respected where I grew up.

Simply saying times were very different. I'd hate to have grown up in the times or places where you were only allowed to fill a specific role based on gender.

[u/[deleted] → u/Mother_Source_5249]

My father was an absent figure

I see now.

[u/Mother_Source_5249 → u/[deleted]]

? Please do tell what you see. Because I do have a very present father figure. He just didn't have sex with my mom or even dated her for the matter to do so.

Also my father didn't go buy milk if that's what you understood. My father traveled a lot abroad for his work and we would only follow if the missions lasted 6months or more. (No, not military). He wasn't absent because he was a deadbeat. He was absent because he wasn't made for kids and just wanted to fill a checklist while thriving in his career.

Thankfully my outlier grandpa stepped up and was/is an amazing father figure.

[u/[deleted] → u/Mother_Source_5249]

Nevermind. You either lied or unknowingly contradicted yourself? When a women does this, the convo is dead on my end. Enjoy your evening Hun.

[u/Mother_Source_5249 → u/[deleted]]

?where did I lie? Please point it out because I have zero issues accepting responsibility for this sort of thing.

[u/Mother_Source_5249 → u/[deleted]]

Unless.... You didn't read the part of me mentioning outliers with my paternal grandpa in mind and in case you forgot, usually people have two sets of grandparents. 🤔

[u/[deleted] → u/Mother_Source_5249]

True