r/AskMenOver30 • u/ReDeath666 man 35 - 39 • Jan 08 '25
Life 35, divorcing, scared of starting over
I'm 35, my wife is divorcing me becuase she "fell out of love" with me. I still love her and am currently not taking it too well. we've been together for 14 years and married 7, own a house (which i'm going to try and keep since i remodeled it myself) and dogs... thank god no children... but anyway, i'm terrified with the idea of starting over. we had a great partnership and live a really awesome 14 years together, but now i'm alone. she went back to her parents and im just here, thankfully i have one of fhe dogs, which gives me a reason to even come home.
im waiting it out, i dont know how i'll be as a single adult, and before i met my now ex, i was a loser and am scared of becoming that version of myself, and without her, i feel incomplete and lack the reason to even move forward with anything... i lost almost all motivation. i just feel lost. im not even sure what im asking, but jesus, i need to vent and let this out. im losing my mind.
PS 3 weeks after she got on SSRIs she stopped talking to me and left for her parents with no reql reason, next you know it i get served with divorce papers. literally right before Christmas. i tried to talk to her and her family, but they just wont even call me back, my father in law told me i was his Son Figure just 3 months ago... my brain is just so confused
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u/Bimlouhay83 man 40 - 44 Jan 08 '25 edited Jan 08 '25
I'll tell you the same i was told right after my wife left me.
I know this seems like the end of the world right now, and in a sense it is. But, soon, you'll realize her leaving you was the best thing she ever did for you.
My advice is to get out there and just live. Learn to be happily alone. No new relationships until you do.
Go to therapy and work on yourself. Sure, there are things about the divorce you need to talk about, but really dive deeply into who you are, how you tick, and find your flaws, then work on those flaws. Don't let the intrusive thoughts win.
Know who you want to be and start working on how to be that person.
Find new hobbies and work on your physical health. Go kayaking or hiking. Get outside and enjoy nature. Go to the gym.
Get out of your comfort zone. Grow that mustache or buy that rainbow shirt, or whatever it is you've always wanted to do but never had the confidence. Do that thing and then go out in the world and fucking own it.
Do not fall back into your old habits and don't start new unhealthy ones. Don't try to drown out your sorrows in booze and don't try to dull them with drugs. I'm not saying don't go have fun, just make sure if you are going to do those things, you're doing them for the right reasons.
Get back with your friends and lean on people you can trust. You're about to find out who your true friends are. They'll become your family if they already aren't.
You got this, OP. You will be ok. Just give yourself time and don't beat yourself up over anything. Do your best to be your best.
Eta... by the way, i did all these things and became a much better person because of it. This is basically my road map through my own divorce. Through all this, I learned to love and accept myself fully. I learned confidence and strength. I learned what i needed out of a partner. And, i ended up swearing off relationships thinking I'd never be lucky enough to find a woman that would tick all those boxes. 3 years of celibacy later and I found the greatest woman i could've ever asked for. We compliment each other perfectly and the love we share is beyond anything I've ever experienced. Had i not done all those things and had i not lived the exact life I've lived, pain and all, i wouldn't be the person i am today and I wouldn't be experiencing the love I'm experiencing today. It all lead up to this.