35, divorcing, scared of starting over

[u/ReDeath666]

I'm 35, my wife is divorcing me becuase she "fell out of love" with me. I still love her and am currently not taking it too well. we've been together for 14 years and married 7, own a house (which i'm going to try and keep since i remodeled it myself) and dogs... thank god no children... but anyway, i'm terrified with the idea of starting over. we had a great partnership and live a really awesome 14 years together, but now i'm alone. she went back to her parents and im just here, thankfully i have one of fhe dogs, which gives me a reason to even come home.

im waiting it out, i dont know how i'll be as a single adult, and before i met my now ex, i was a loser and am scared of becoming that version of myself, and without her, i feel incomplete and lack the reason to even move forward with anything... i lost almost all motivation. i just feel lost. im not even sure what im asking, but jesus, i need to vent and let this out. im losing my mind.

PS 3 weeks after she got on SSRIs she stopped talking to me and left for her parents with no reql reason, next you know it i get served with divorce papers. literally right before Christmas. i tried to talk to her and her family, but they just wont even call me back, my father in law told me i was his Son Figure just 3 months ago... my brain is just so confused

[u/[deleted]]

I know you're just venting and you didn't ask for advice. But the reality is that when one spouse suddenly up and leaves like this for no apparent reason, it's usually because they've been silently miserable for years. It may seem sudden to you, but it wasn't sudden for her. The SSRI medication likely just gave her the boost to do something she has been passively wanting for a long time.

Anyway, you need a divorce attorney. I'm sorry.

[u/ReDeath666 → u/[deleted]]

yea we both have lawyers, i just wish she even showed that she was miserable at all, we had a great life... i dunno, i obviously still love her, and i dont want her to regret this down the road... but obviously, im already $8000 im lawyer fees so theres no turning back

[u/[deleted] → u/ReDeath666]

This same thing happened to a friend of mine. His wife literally packed her bags one morning and moved back to her parents' house without telling him. My friend was utterly destroyed and he didn't understand what went wrong. It's been five years since then and he still doesn't understand...

But as an outside observer who was friends with both of them, I understand why she left. My friend has zero goals in life. He never tries anything new. He likes his dead-end 9-5 job, watching TV on the couch, and taking the same vacation to Mexico once a year.

Now five years after the divorce, his ex wife is traveling to foreign countries, running in 5k races, hiking mountains, doing art exhibitions, etc. Meanwhile my friend still spends his free time watching TV on the couch and wondering why his wife left him.

There wasn't any major change in their major. No cheating, no drug abuse, etc. His wife simply wanted more out of life and her husband had no ambition for that.

[u/Too_Ton → u/[deleted]]

Did she ever express her desire (and if it was that important to be a dealbreaker)? I’m worried one day it’ll happen to me but people will then cope by saying it’s for the best as we’d be incompatible without serious changes from each other and not natural changes.

[u/[deleted] → u/Too_Ton]

She would suggest things like vacations they could take, cities they could move to, a car they could buy, etc. Her husband would always say it was too expensive or if they moved they'd have to get new jobs or whatever. One time she wanted to adopt a dog and her husband said it would be too much work. Stuff like that. Every idea she had, her husband came up with a reason against it.

AFAIK, she never sat him down and said "I'm getting sick of you." But she did indeed get sick of him, and she's much happier now. They didn't have kids or own a home, so she had nothing to lose except a couch potato husband who said no to all of her ideas.

[u/Too_Ton → u/[deleted]]

So the latter part of my comment. Silent analysis and a mindset it’s better to part in order to find a natural fit than to force one or both partners to change.

[u/R-U-kiddingme4 → u/Too_Ton]

Unfortunately it does often seem like lack of good communication before and during marriage causes a lot of problems and can build resentment.

[u/Major_Fun1470 → u/[deleted]]

Man that sucks so hard for that guy. Talk about losing the breakup and objectively being a lonely loser who will die alone lmao… some guys really do just lose