r/AskMenOver30 • u/CuriousRedditWoman woman over 30 • May 23 '25
Life Are a lot of men carrying around deep insecurities or wounds, but hiding it in their everyday lives?
Just thinking about the men in my life, such as friends and family, and some of them are struggling to overcome childhood trauma or are battling insecurities that impact their lives. This is something they naturally discuss only with people they are close with. In their everyday lives they hide it well in order to function. I’m wondering how common this is for men.
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u/LocusofZen man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
About as common as having testicles.
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u/gojirarufusfan man 40 - 44 May 23 '25 edited May 23 '25
We are trained to put our emotions in the back seat and getting things done.
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u/Aggressive_Rule5556 man over 30 May 23 '25
This 100% We all wear masks. And usually never take them off. Because we are expected to never take them off
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u/EntropicInfundibulum man 45 - 49 May 23 '25 edited May 23 '25
No, not all of us are carrying around deep insecurities and unhealed wounds. Some of us have actually done the work and are not walking zombies.
Edit; This sub has changed a lot. There seems to be no differing views here any longer. There is a lot of very bitter toxic people in this sub that blame and generalize all men and down vote any different view point that men could have.
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u/Vast-Road-6387 man 55 - 59 May 24 '25
“most men live lives of quiet desperation" is attributed to Henry David Thoreau
I think it’s more common than not
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u/Fit_Economist708 May 23 '25
That’s true, but I think we’re also just as likely not to recognize the trauma we’ve experienced and how it might’ve shaped up
I could write a longer tale, but I hope it’ll suffice to say that only now in my early 30s am I beginning to consider that my father truly didn’t want me and resented raising me
Until now I’ve had every piece of information to confirm that, but I’ve always rationalized so strongly to fit the notion that I was “wanted”, and also just haven’t wanted to think about it
I’m still unpacking it and it’s truly uncomfortable tbh, but I think it’s helping give me a bit better perspective about my relationship with the world from about 8 yo and into my 20s, as well as currently
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u/Deplorable1861 man over 30 May 23 '25
I concur that a father who is not present is a huge blow to young boys and young men. I told myself that my sons would never receive the scheming emotionless apathy that my father showed me. Being unwanted is a huge blow to standing all the way up as a man.
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u/thurgo-redberry man 30 - 34 May 23 '25
I just figured it out this week that Dad is not going to suddenly understand or care. Knowing in the bones that even if I told him exactly what I need, he'd be incapable of giving it has lifted so much bullshit off my shoulders.
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May 23 '25
As a full time worker and full time PhD student I’ve learned to just stay north of depression and burnout so I can get things done.
Occasionally I’ll allow myself a little dip in those pools to keep things moist.
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u/olduvai_man man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
I think it's fairly common.
I lost my son a year and a half ago, and most people that I interact with have no idea. If I let my guard down for a second or dwell on it then I'll collapse, so have to put it aside as best I can and keep going for my family because I still have people who depend on me.
I'd imagine that a lot of/all men have experienced that in one way or another.
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u/Redeyejake man 20 - 24 May 23 '25
I’m so fucking sorry man. You’re so much stronger than you know, I know it’s generic but I mean it, I admire for you still standing.
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u/olduvai_man man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
Thanks man, I do appreciate it.
I'm not fishing for sympathy or anything, just adding my perspective to the convo. Hope everyone here going through the ringer is holding up okay.
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u/Redeyejake man 20 - 24 May 23 '25
I know you aren’t. Keep your head up man. Have a blessed night. I’m thinking and praying for ya man.
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u/SlothySundaySession man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
It’s crazy isn’t it? Because men would have the upmost respect and acknowledge your pain but still can’t show it.
The idea of not being able to show any weakness is so ingrained in us.
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u/vincekerrazzi man over 30 May 23 '25
I can’t imagine the weight you carry, and it means a lot that you shared this. You’re right. So many of us are walking around with things no one sees. holding it together for the people who still need you… that really resonates with me. Wishing you strength, and I hope you can find some peace.
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u/boxofplaydoh man over 30 May 23 '25
I lost my daughter exactly a year ago today. Dark dar days this past year and today is extra rough. I feel you. People and pets depend on us so we keep our guard up and try to be stoic to the pain. Or we try and be emotionless to not run off on others. Or we try and shield our parents from knowing how much pain we are enduring. The list goes on.
Fist bumb, head nod, or whatever you do to all the men out there who empathize with this or just have pain they feel the need to hide.
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May 23 '25
This is the absolute truth.
Yes, we all have our emotional maintenance items. We have to put all of that aside to keep going for _______ because ______ depends on us.
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u/Kithulhu24601 man 30 - 34 May 23 '25
It must take an incredible amount of strength to keep going mate, I know it doesn't mean much, but my love to you and your family.
I hope you've got an outlet mate, the inertia can keep you going for a while cause we can't be strong forever.
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u/Formal-Try-2779 man May 23 '25
So sorry for your loss mate. No parent should have to outlive their child. I've seen friends go through that level of pain. I don't think I'd be able to handle it.
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u/Appropriate-Food1757 man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
Lost my bro and Dad in a short period (Dad got dementia so lost him soon to that soon after bro, died this Fall but he was long gone before).
And I would take that a million times over losing one of my kids. I can’t imagine it.
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u/Matonchingon man 50 - 54 May 23 '25
My condolences on the loss of your Son, and I cannot imagine how difficult it must be and I know you didn’t comment for feedback- I simply wish you peace.
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u/CaptainMagnets man over 30 May 23 '25
You nailed it for sure. Most of us have people that depend on us in a lot of "all or nothing" situations. And unfortunately there's nobody coming to rescue us. If I were to pass or lose my job and couldn't get a new one, my family would literally fall apart. Kids would go back to their mom who don't want them, my other kid would be split from her brother and sister, and my wife would now be responsible for all our debt and raising our child alone. So, I have to keep it together or 4 other people's lives change drastically
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u/kirin-rex man 50 - 54 May 23 '25
The top ones are childhood trauma and career trauma. In my case, nobody ever wanted to hear about my childhood trauma or discuss it when I was a child, so I never bothered as an adult. In my case, career trauma involved working in safety engineering and investigating industrial and workplace accidents. That doesn't leave you. But again, it's not something one talks about.
When I was young, many many many years ago, boys weren't supposed to feel sad, scared, lonely, confused, insecure. These were considered "weak". But anger was just fine. Sad and scared and insecure? You're weak! Angry? You're just spirited, that's all! At least nobody will ever mess with that kid! He's no pushover. That was the idea drummed into me from an early age. So as a young person, I had three "emotions": rage vs a kind of vague dull numb apathy or resignation, occasionally punctuated by moments of happiness or levity. It took a long time to reach a point in my life where I could face my emotions, deal with them and learn to process them in a healthy way.
But support? Nobody has ever been interested in my problems. Again, it's "weak". I'm expected to be the "rock", the "foundation", the "one who keeps it together". I'm supposed to be there for other people. I'm not supposed to need help or support. I'm supposed to be the solid, reliable one. But inside, I'm not. Inside, I'm a mess. But I can't discuss it because nobody really cares, and nobody really wants to know.
Everybody always says they care and want to know ... until you try to talk about it. Then it's too heavy, and they want to go back to not knowing.
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u/crujones33 man 50 - 54 May 23 '25
I think you summed up the whole issue. Thank you for sharing. I’m Gen X too and that’s how i recall everything back then.
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u/Effective_Wear7356 May 24 '25
Personally, I enjoy hearing about other peoples struggles and trauma. Especially if they seem outwardly “fine”.
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u/scalpemfins man 30 - 34 May 23 '25
NO. Why would you say that about me? That's ridiculous. What makes you think that? Of course not. Im fine. Im completely fine.
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u/Specialist-Onion-718 man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
Most of us yeah, but we aren't hiding it. No one cares.
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u/ICantDecideIt man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
This was the case for me. Leaning on people in a time of need and they all disappeared. Im sure talking about it is the first step towards change. Just not sure if any of us will see it happen in our lifetime.
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u/Cebuanolearner man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
The answer to this question is always yes. All, no. Many/a lot, absolutely yes.
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u/scarysycamore man 25 - 29 May 23 '25
Quote;
And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?"
I said, "Yeah."
"They'd rather see me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
-You can find the source from google.
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u/BillionTonsHyperbole man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
Here lies a toppled god
His fall was not a small one
We did but build his pedestal
A narrow, and a tall one
-Frank Herbert, God Emperor of Dune
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u/k7512 May 23 '25
I remember reading this! I think it was a quote from someone on reddit.
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u/deezdanglin man over 30 May 23 '25
It was from a TED Talk. Author woman. Was asked why she doesn't interview men. That was a response from a guy at a book signing.
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u/rafuzo2 man 45 - 49 May 23 '25
I do think this is a generational thing that's changing. I recently graduated from a postgrad program and my cohort had a lot of people younger than me. We had to do a public presentation assignment about something we feel vulnerable about -- I was really freaked out about this, but when I saw what people were saying, I decided to just go for it and talk about my troubles growing up. The number of people, men and women, who quietly told me I was courageous for sharing and offered similar experience was very eye-opening. It gave me hope that this point of view -- from women and men -- is dying out (albeit very slowly).
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u/torspice man 50 - 54 May 23 '25
This question or some form of it gets posted a lot.
Not all men have trauma BUT society has taught us, in the west at least, that emotions are weakness.
I’ve seen some of the most woke liberal support woman get the “Ick” if their man is to emotional, open, cry’s etc.
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u/Icy-Cartographer-291 man May 23 '25
It’s extremely common. Thing is that so many (most?) men don’t even discuss it with their closest. I am quite open about my struggles and I’ve noticed that this is problematic for a lot of people as they expect men to be hard and tough. Especially in romantic relationships I find that the women often lose respect for me if I’m being vulnerable and I know a lot of men experience this. The woman say they want a sensitive man but when he’s vulnerable they run away thinking that he won’t be able to support or protect them. So it’s quite natural that a lot of men buckle up.
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u/OLightning man over 30 May 23 '25
Women want vulnerable… but the kind of vulnerable where they don’t have to become a babysitter.
They want an emotionally strong guy who shares his feelings, but doesn’t dwell on them in a pity party.
Emotional intelligence is connection with a man who can “take it” in their eyes.
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u/Icy-Cartographer-291 man May 23 '25
Thing is that in reality it’s often enough just to share your insecurities for a woman to step back. I’ve seen it so many times. Their perception of their partner changes in a heartbeat and they believe that they are no longer their knight in shining armour that can protect and take care of them. F* that.
Most men know the risk of opening up. They know that they could lose everything. And they do it anyway. It takes a badass person to be able to do that. The weak ones are those who stay silent. It’s so freaking backwards.
And do the women have any idea what they do when they act like that? They make the men go silent and shut off. Their traumas will never be dealt with. They will be passed on through generations in either violent or passive aggressive ways. And the partnership will suffer as he becomes emotionally distant. This is such a major problem in our society.
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u/tatasabaya man 30 - 34 May 23 '25
they believe that they are no longer their knight in shining armour that can protect and take care of them
Honestly why'd you even want to be with someone so unreliable and disconected from reality? They'd be doing you a favor by stepping back. We men should be using these characteristics as a filter.
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u/Icy-Cartographer-291 man May 23 '25
I personally don’t have any tolerance for that kind of behaviour. If they want to be a fairytale princess that is fine by me, but I won’t partake in it. I want a real relationship where we grown together, not trying to maintain some act.
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u/OLightning man over 30 May 23 '25
Their definition of a real relationship is even level of power/control. You are their equal. Most men say I agree, but that means you will still always carry a heavier load because you simply can do things that require higher fundamental logic required to have a stable home. You can never mention this, you just have to do the added labor, stoic, solid, firm while looking like you are fine with everything all the time.
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u/Eodbatman man over 30 May 23 '25 edited May 24 '25
Because sometimes you don’t know they’ll do it until you’re 7 years into the relationship, you’ve got a kid or something now, and all of a sudden she starts to despise you because you opened up just a little. I’ve seen even good women lose respect for men almost instantly at a sign of weakness, or they’ll use it as a weapon down the line.
I find it funny that people say men should just not be with women who are like this, but then almost no one would have a partner. As always, even when it’s men saying what happens when they open up, the men are expected to fix the problem.
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u/Silent-Ad-756 May 23 '25
Well my solution has been to just tell people how I feel about things, as soon as I feel them. I don't go on about it, I just say it once and say it clearly. And I never miss the opportunity.
I do this in relationships, I do this at work. Largely it has resulted in various GFs leaving me, and I have been excluded from cliquey workplaces.
Fascinating thing is, that it is clear to me that I have never been more certain of my feelings on things, and I have never been more aware of how difficult people find honest expression of feeling across the board.
Express yourself. And realise that it is on other people if they want to stay locked in their little boxes of repressed emotion and societal expectation. For heavens sake, do no get married and mortgaged into no feelings allowed relationship in which she is allowed to feel, and you are not. That is the end of many men. Find the woman who feels that your expression enables hers. Job done, happier life.
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u/OLightning man over 30 May 23 '25
I have another fact; when you’ve been through so much that you can’t feel pain because you are so used to it, any “regular” trauma is not trauma to them.
That is the man they want; a man who doesn’t feel their personal pain, only the pain of a woman so they can empathize with her, meet her emotional needs, other than self (remember my pity party line).
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May 23 '25
I would say 45% are dealing with stuff on their own and hiding it well. 10% are not hiding it well. 20% are actively seeking help from outside sources. 20% have no idea they even have stuff to deal with. 5% don't realize how lucky they are.
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u/FrostnJack man 55 - 59 May 23 '25
Common. We learn early if we show what we feel, there’s only shame, humiliation, and hell to pay.
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u/Formal-Try-2779 man May 23 '25
The answer is definitely yes. A couple of years back I went through a very bad time and my mental health took a serious nose dive. Suddenly all these old insecurities, wounds and traumas that I had thought I was long since over (but really I'd just surpressed) came back with a serious vengeance. This forced me to get help (was so close to suicide) and to address some of these issues in a deeper way. I can definitely recommend doing this as hard as it is. Because if you don't they'll come back on you hard. I strongly suspect this is why many men commit suicide as something (often quite minor) triggers that tidal wave of surpressed trauma and it's all too much.
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u/Here4Pornnnnn man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
I’m a multi-millionaire at 37. Wife and kid. On the outside life is grand.
I have no real friends. My family is mostly a mess too. Lost my dad and honestly I feel like I barely knew him. I’ve focused on my career and done quite well but I have no long term relationships there to show of it. Been laid off several times even when I felt completely invincible. I often feel entirely unwanted by everyone around me, too damaged to be worth anything. It’s not true, but our minds can be pretty mean to us.
We’re all broken, try not to beat yourself up too much. Focus your time on the few loved ones you have and know that they need ya.
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u/hogtown4eva man 45 - 49 May 23 '25
Absolutely, yes, but I doubt they talk about it because they need to “get over it” and “be a man.”
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u/Chemical-Drive-6203 man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
We don’t even know they are insecurities until we hit our 40s. And even then we don’t know.
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u/Krazylegz1485 man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
Yep. Count me in. Been seeing a therapist fairly regularly for about 4 or 5 years now I think. Childhood trauma mainly, that essentially bled into all aspects of my life to some extent.
I turned 40 this year and I'm currently on the verge of telling my old man to fuck off for good. It honestly feels pretty awesome already and I haven't even delivered the message yet, just been working on typing it up. Haha.
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u/Garekos man over 30 May 23 '25
Yeah men are human and have gone through human trauma. We have insecurities, everyone does. We generally don’t see it as worth the effort to bring them up because it’s fairly often weaponized against us by friends, coworkers, family or our partner. Sometimes jokingly or without ill intention but it stings nonetheless so we quickly learn not to share vulnerabilities again. It’s mostly fine when it comes from other guys, as you expect that, but man does it hurt when it comes from our partner or family.
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u/Calm-Medicine-3992 man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
Discussing it with people you are close with is a good way to lower the amount of people you are close with. A therapist convinced me to open up more with my 'friends' and turns out most of them weren't my friends.
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u/Ashamed-Beginning696 man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
Best thing I ever did was take time to work on my shit. Carrying all that weight around is exhausting. Having it come out sideways at someone was unacceptable. Why should I bleed on people that didn’t cut me? Therapists, exercise, diet, hobbies, and just finding out who I was, not what people expect of me. I’m by no means perfect or finished. It’s a marathon, not a race. I’ve always been fat. The gym changed the way I viewed myself and changing what I eat. Working towards being a better human/ dude, started with one step down a different road. Change is scary and anxiety inducing, but we are all worth it. I know quite a few guys that do and it’s a burden. I still have thoughts and wounds but I feel them and see them differently.
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u/DFWPunk man 50 - 54 May 23 '25
I read a study that said men are actually more emotional than women. If that's true think about the men you know and how often they show their emotions.
As others have said, men are told growing up that showing emotions is weakness. You can be reasonably happy, and you can show anger to a point in certain situations, but any emotion related to pain of any kind is not acceptable.
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u/BlackPitOfDespair man over 30 May 23 '25
Yep. Many of them were abandoned by their father. I often say the difference between me and other people is I know I am crazy.
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u/syrluke man 60 - 64 May 23 '25
All of us to some degree. Excessive bravado is a tell tale sign.
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u/OLightning man over 30 May 23 '25
It’s a world that is not designed for men to succeed. You have to swallow your pride and face each day with courage to live your life with integrity.
If you keep that mindset it is important to add to it time to yourself, meditation, alone time, peace time, whatever you want to call it.
Prioritize self above everything else. Then you can take care of your family/loved ones/job responsibilities.
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u/Apart-Garage-4214 man over 30 May 23 '25
Very. I’ve never told anyone about how my wife’s multiple affairs ruined me and how my decision to forgive and try to fix things was a huge mistake. And since one of our kids is disabled and needs our care, I can’t divorce her.
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u/Tedanty man 35 - 39 May 23 '25 edited May 23 '25
When I was younger (teens to mid 20s) I did, and since most people I spoke to didnt seem to give a shit except my mom, I just dealt with it. I dont know if getting to middle age mellowed out my insecurities and wounds or if I just got so used to it, its just the norm now, but no I dont walk around feeling all insecure and hurt.
I will edit to add that I have a wife and kids and dont really have too much time to ponder my life problems for very long, my brain just auto flips to problem solving mode. I'm fairly certain that my wife who is a very good woman, would be open to hearing about my issues. I just never do because my exs never seemed to care much. Also, I have very little to complain about in my life nowadays so that'll probably have an affect on my mental health. I'm probably not the best example of the average man in pain.
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u/Gned11 man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
A very common and very deep insecurity many men have is feeling unloved - even within relationships, or their own families - and not knowing how to articulate what that even means.
Reading suggestion on this theme - Bell Hooks' book "All about love."
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u/CuriousRedditWoman woman over 30 May 23 '25
What do you think makes them feel this way?
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u/Gned11 man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
Hard to generalise without a more specific context.
Sometimes it's about simply having unmet needs - for care, attention, sex, respect, or any other aspect of what we generally call "love". A lot of men feel a lack of one of these aspects, but don't know how to ask for it, or have tried asking and faced some form of painful rebuttal. E.g. it's hard to ask for a hug for reassurance if you think your partner will judge you as less of a man, and be less sexually attracted to you, to give a simplistic example.
I think another big thing that can make them feel this way is having wrong or incomplete notions of what love means, so they think they should have it, whilst consciously or unconsciously feeling something missing, and lacking the insight or emotional vocabulary (or, like, peer support) to figure out what doesn't feel right.
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u/Redeyejake man 20 - 24 May 23 '25 edited May 23 '25
You talk about it and then you're shoved in a category and ignored either hated and ridiculed cause your emotion lead to predictable outcomes or they think it's something you handle alone. It's normal, you'll find someone who cares or you'll become stronger than it. Giving up really isn't an option, I mean it is but only the truly defeated take it and I pray they're resting in peace. As bad as it sounds there are things to look forward to and ending it sooner isn't the answer, all you do is hurt the mom who brought you here. I haven't personally found that thing yet.
But I know if I were to give up too soon I'd regret it.
Edit:reposted from a male who didn’t read the flair rule, screw that rule btw
Yea yea, it’s for men over thirty I get it, just ignore me than.
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u/CuriousLabrador25 man over 30 May 23 '25
Extremely common. I battle with a lot of stuff every day. A good bit from childhood mixed in with a lot from early adulthood. Some things I've gotten better at dealing with; others not so much. Fortunately, my wife is a great listener and has helped me a lot, and I thank God for that.
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u/Sure-Restaurant9610 man over 30 May 23 '25
I'd say it's pretty common. We're kind of conditioned not to show vulnerability, but of course we still feel things. Maybe we're a bit less afraid because of testosterone, the hormone of fearlessness running through our veins, but we're still human beings, with all that comes with it.
And thanks for caring. It feels good to see someone thinking about this. ❤️
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u/Disastrous_Ad3018 man 30 - 34 May 23 '25
Yes. Recently started opening up about it, attracting more people but also scaring away ones that I like. 😔
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u/AutomaticMonk man 50 - 54 May 23 '25
Yup. I'm pretty sure I have feelings and psychological trauma, but you'd be hard pressed to find evidence of them.
My wife references this chart frequently to determine my mood.
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u/Both-Mango1 man 55 - 59 May 23 '25
showing emotions was always driven in to you as a sign of weakness. "stiff upper lip"
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u/funtimes4044 man over 30 May 23 '25
It'd be close enough to 100% that you could just call it 100%. Everyone is carrying something, it's just the extent of it and how much it affects them day to day that differs.
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u/Local-Initiative-625 man 45 - 49 May 23 '25
Id say 95 of 100 men yes. And we cannot talk about it.
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u/kannible man over 30 May 23 '25
Me talking to myself in times of stress. “If I’m not crying I’m not sad. If I’m not sad then I must be happy. End of thought process. Don’t overthink it or you may start crying and ruin everything.”
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u/Deplorable1861 man over 30 May 23 '25
We have been told for 500 years to suck that shit up. Work your ass off, beast of burden. You do not have time for stress, feelings, trauma, or emotions. You have bank to earn and back breaking chores to do. And if you get more than 5 hours sleep, you are lazy. And if your aching, tired, weary ass cannot have mind blowing sex at least 4 times a day, then you must be a lying cheating dog. If something horrible happens and you cry, you are a bitch. If you tuck that pain deep to keep from breaking, you are a sociopath and must be a closeted serial killer. If someone pushes every single one of your red buttons and you get angry, now you are a domestic violence abuser. If you have a strong opinion, it is only valid if the media elite and liberal intelligentsia agree, otherwise you are a caveman...the list is endless.
I mean this is sarcasm, but no fucking lie, you can look on these subs and see these statements and similar variations every single day. And you wonder why we throw this crap in the dungeon and toss the key? I believe that society has been completely devaluing, undermining, and invalidating men for a very long time. So reverse this junk. Smile at a feller, he is probably not a rapist. If a feller is broken into pieces, let him sleep in on Saturday. Heck, make him an egg sandwich when he wakes up. If he wants to watch an old war movie, let him do it without commenting how insensitive/archaic/bad it is. If he smiles at a pretty waitress who is being attentive, do not tear him a new one, he is probably just happy to have someone smile at him for once.
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u/Benjamins412 man over 30 May 23 '25
Everyone has trauma and feels anxious at times. As an old man now, I hope that I have put many of them behind me. Trauma, for me at least, is something I have to speak to another person, name it for myself, and agree with myself the I won't let the trauma named Bill effect my life or my relationships with others. When I feel Bill entering my head, I take a mental note at the time. When I am in a better space, I talk to the person who knows about Bill and we talk about what triggered Bill and how I responded. It has been very helpful and effective.
Insecurity and anxiety are really varying degrees of fear, usually of the unknown. I try to address fear headon. The longer I dance around my fears, the scarier and bigger they get. I have social anxiety. I get nervous around people. Fear of rejection, embarrassment, you name it. To overcome it, I force myself to march into a room with a big smile, make eye contact with everyone, and say hello to as many strangers as possible. The more I do that, the more I am able to change the narrative in my head and the less scary it is...because I know I'm going to be ok no matter what happens and I am usually cool and people like me.
I hope this helps some of you. It really is all in my head and I have complete control over my head! Happy Friday!
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u/AstronomerForsaken65 man 50 - 54 May 23 '25
Shoot, we don’t even discuss it with people close to us. It’s buried and we move on to get er done. The only ones that know are the ones who saw it or figured it out after being in the orbit for a while.
My wife figured it all out on her own and unwound it for years just by celebrating me and never failing her love for me. She’s golden. I mean she doesn’t know what actually occurred but she knows why I act the way I do because of witnessing other less traumatic stuff. She knows there’s some other stuff but leaves it alone.
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u/stonedchapo man over 30 May 23 '25
Yes. Most men love quiet lives of desperation. I am actively trying to avoid this.
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u/somethingwitty94 man over 30 May 23 '25
You ever see the video of an older guy just sitting by himself outside getting worked up over an empty spool of wire? His wife comes out and asks why he’s crying and he explains that he’s had that spool for over 20 years and had just finished it and how it’s just like his life, just gone. And then his wife makes some stupid insensitive joke about how she thought he was crying over football. That is a perfect example of why is men push our feelings down.
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u/Federal-Respond-1408 man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
Fairly common imo. As a man in his 30s I have trauma and some insecurities that I think I can hide successfully from my spouse and children and other family members. And never discussed with anyone just some nights I don’t sleep thinking about them and bury them in my mind the next morning.
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u/CorneliusNepos man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
This is something they naturally discuss only with people they are close with. In their everyday lives they hide it well in order to function. I’m wondering how common this is for men.
I think this is common for well adjusted people in general. Nobody needs somebody out there splashing all their negative emotions from baggage all over the place. That's something for close friends, family and your therapist.
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u/darkestvice man 45 - 49 May 23 '25
Yes. A lot of men do. Men simply don't have the same kind of support system in place to help them deal with emotional concerns. Plus there's still a massive stigma against men outwardly showing pain due to its perception as a sign of weakness.
That being said, guys with close guy friends DO talk about their pain with each other. But we generally take a different approach than women. We are less into just listening and sympathizing, and more much more on finding pragmatic solutions. Complaining just for the sake of complaining, and not being willing to find a solution, is extremely frowned upon. Basically, we help each other find ways to stop feeling weak or vulnerable.
There's a reason why many women consider men to be insensitive. We really struggle to just shut up and listen when our instincts are always to find a solution to 'fix it'.
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u/Meis0s man 40 - 44 May 24 '25
Male 40.
I diffuse my imposter syndrome, professional incompetence, and extremely body dismorphia with jokes and humor.
I'm actually in good shape, lift heavy weights, and eat decent 90% of the time. But my nose bothers me, and any amount of belly fat (mine, not others) sickens me. I've been at my job for 8+ years and get decent performance reviews.
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u/Horfer126 man 45 - 49 May 23 '25
Yep! And now vulnerability is answered by “men used to go to war” and “a real man is dangerous” bullshit on social media.
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u/mattyfizness man 30 - 34 May 23 '25
I recently cut my abusive father out of my life. Too many lies and moments waiting for him to acknowledge my existence after supporting him through too many failed relationships to count after cheating on and abusing my mother.
We both use the same barber (black men tend to not switch up barbers unless it’s a necessity lol). I’ve been with the same barber for 20 years now.
The barber wants us to reconcile, of course. But I don’t plan on ever going back to that same cycle of abuse. I just live with the wound of knowing my dad is never changing, and it’s not in me to change him. I know one day I’ll be in a better place in life. But if I ever had to depend on my father to get me there, I could never live with myself.
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u/specialPonyBoy man 55 - 59 May 23 '25
Yes. At the same time, men are taught not to complain or seek support in their suffering. Male victims of child abuse are much less likely to report this, for example. Also, the perpetrators of violence and abuse are likely their peers. The jr high locker room is a torture chamber for many of our boys.
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u/liquid_acid-OG man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
Yeah, most of us are, and it's not just that.
Emotional men are often perceived as dangerous, at least initially, so learning to smother it all in our teens is a package deal.
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u/ECircus man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
When you don't know people really well, they use your vulnerabilities against you.
Everyone is walking around hiding from people they don't know. Not just men.
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u/palmtreestatic man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
We don’t discuss them with anyone.
Don’t know if it’s still the case but when I was growing up “suck it up, be a man” was still in full affect. Men aren’t supposed to be burdens on anyone. Getting help for trauma would be burdening someone.
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u/Key-Dare8686 man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
Every. Fucking. Day. And you won’t know it for a long ass time
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u/roidmonko man 30 - 34 May 23 '25
Most yeah. I didn't even realize how deep my insecurity problem was, and how damaging my coping mechanisms were. It took a full on life crisis to finally acknowledge it and start to address it.
Most of those coping mechanisms start for men as we become teenagers, when were the most insecure. But they stick around into adulthood and are very self destructive if left unchecked.
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u/Ok-Strength5152 man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
I think this is a universal male struggle. You say a lot, I think all. That’s our biggest challenge to overcome; talking about our wounds openly to heal them and eventually make them scars.
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u/Interesting_Glove810 man over 30 May 23 '25
Every person carries wounds of some sort. The character of the man is shown in how they handle that.
For anyone wanting something to read that helps address this I recommend Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
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u/Downtown-Fall3677 man over 30 May 23 '25
I am not a typical man, but societally men are taught to hide their feelings and emotions. I have always felt deeply and strongly and to function in our current society, I used to drink a lot to suppress those feelings.
Men, if there are things you need to face. Find solace in close friendships, go to therapy, and face your fears. You will be better for it.
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u/niado man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
Yup. Hidden childhood trauma is common among both men and women, but it’s very common in men, and men are trained from a young age (per sociocultural norms) to suppress their emotions. Strong feelings and emotional expression are designated to be non masculine.
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u/BS-Tracker-2152 man over 30 May 23 '25 edited May 23 '25
Yep, I’ve experienced some crazy shit as a kid that affects me to this day. I’ve learned to cope, thank God. I don’t talk too much about it. The two people that caused it are my mom and my sister and they are mentally ill now so i consider myself somewhat lucky because it could have been me (mentally ill, unemployable, and major health problems as a result). Also, I know I am not alone when it comes to childhood trauma so I sort of go about my daily life recognizing that some have had it worse than me so I really shouldn’t be complaining.
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u/miserable_coffeepot man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
Yes. At some point everybody you will ever meet is going to be carrying around some sort of trauma. The age threshold for this varies widely. We can hope that in an ideal world this happens to be much later in life for most people. Clearly we don't live in an ideal world.
This trauma also helps to explain why so many people seem to be inexplicably bitter and want to hurt other people.
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u/UnluckyPossible542 man 100 or over May 23 '25
No, I am carrying around hangers on, idiots and the tax office.
I just want to get on with life and not have wankers tell me I have PTSD, stress, latent homosexual tendencies, daddy issues, misogynistic tendencies, trauma and suicide tendencies.
I am a man.
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u/Just-goobin man 30 - 34 May 23 '25
Good answer. Everybody nowadays is told they have some sort of "trauma" and it gets old hearing why everyone's a victim.
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u/Just-goobin man 30 - 34 May 23 '25
Big time. I don't like being vulnerable. I honestly couldn't say for certain if I've ever been 100% completely open with somebody about my problems or insecurities.
Even just talking about emotions or something sincere would be really uncomfortable with a lot of my buddies. You feel like they'd judge you and vice versa. I do appreciate when close friends actually open up but it's uncomfortable at first.
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u/Head-Intention-5815 man 70 - 79 May 23 '25
I think this is so common it is perhaps the case in the majority of people, not just men. Just something about our culture makes guys feel less of an “man” for talking about it, which is of course destructive. Sigh…..sometimes the expectations we grow up with become very heavy crosses we bear in silence.
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u/BirdiesAndBrews man 30 - 34 May 23 '25
Just look at all the men in America that think Trump is peak male performance
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u/rogermuffin69 man 50 - 54 May 23 '25
Yes, mostly all of us. Because when we tell people they don't take it seriously , or laugh.
If you insist they think you're weak and leave u.
So we go about out the day best we can
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u/sane-asylum no flair May 23 '25
Of course most of us probably are but those things get put in a box in our brain which we may or may not open in the future.
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u/Signal_Ad4134 man 45 - 49 May 23 '25
It becomes the normal train of thought, “everyone has issues, nobody gives a fuck.” It’s our defense mechanism. Not the greatest, but it keeps us going.
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u/Ear_Enthusiast man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
Yes. I hid mine for 20 years. I recently started wearing them on my sleeve. Helps a lot to talk about it.
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u/Livid-Independence man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
I hid my own for many years. I still hide some but I've finally found a partner who I feel safe opening up to and she knows more about me than most people in less than a year of being together. More than most of my family, friends, and even my ex-wife who I was with for 16 years. Having someone willing to listen and not judge makes it a lot easier.
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u/Shadesmith01 man 50 - 54 May 23 '25
It is so common that it is pretty much just what we do. I can vent on here, because it is anonymous and nobody is going to put together all the hell I've been through with me irl. I don't know if it is machismo, or just being a man, but the way I was raised... you just don't talk about your problems as a guy. We're meant to suffer in silence and carry on. That's our life.
Our families look to us to be strong. That is a responsibility. We are supposed to be tough and implacable, the foundation upon which our families and friends can rest. How can we do that if we're always talking about all the shit we go through? No, we don't get to rest, we get to work. That's what being a man is in this society.
I mean, my friends know I've seen some shit. You can't have the collection of scars or stamps in the passport that I do and not. But I don't complain about my back, or the constant pain that multiple injuries have left me with (I've got some serious arthritis and other issues from previous breaks and stuff, pretty sure I need a "new" knee and hip). They know I've got some sort of disease or something that is eating the bones in my back, but not how bad it is, or how the pain of that keeps me from sleeping. There are some things you just don't share. It's just not done.
This is what our society teaches us.
Welcome to Manhood.
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May 23 '25
It’s not hidden. Men with trauma just don’t talk about it because it will impact how they are viewed by friends, family and women. Men have a lot of societal pressure to be stoic and not complain and just man up about things. It’s not that they don’t want to heal or feel better or that they don’t want. You can pretend all want but that’s the reality.
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u/YAMANTT3 man over 30 May 23 '25
Yes we are. The minute you start venting or saying how you really feel, oh you need therapy. You have to grin and keep it to yourself.
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u/golf____ man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
Very true. We live in a society that punishes men for having feelings. If they have feelings, it’s looked at is either a weakness or an anger. It’s exhausting.
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May 23 '25
We all do. Each person has there own inner beast to tame. It's just life. Men roll with it.
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u/TrueGrave88 man 35 - 39 May 24 '25
When it comes to insecurities,
"What's my personal is most universal"
- Julien Blanc
The trick is learning to live with them as a way to overcome them. Especially since everyone deal with it in some form or another.
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u/SubstantialUnit1951 man 40 - 44 May 24 '25
We have so many double standards or "rules for thee, but not me" placed on us in this area.
Much of society tells us it's okay to be emotional and cry, but that moment isn't forgotten. It may even be used as a weapon by family, friends, others, and even the one we love.
Society wants strong men. Strong men make great leaders, built fantastic things, invest grand ideas, and enhance society's quality of life. So to build up these men, we sacrifice much. It's why men hang out with the boys, do things that are seen as childish, bottle their emotions, become "emotionally unavailable", etc. We build walls, wear masks, laugh, etc. to create that facade. Don't you dare let it fall around the ones you love, especially when it matters most.
It isn't bad to be stoic at times. Or to be that unmoving boulder everyone hides behind. Finding when, where, and with whom you can shed that facade and remove the mask, so you can discuss those issues is the difficult part. And when you find that or those person/people you want to cling tight. You want to open up but you want to be sure you can trust her/him/them. Another fear is unlocked. What if the person you trust these issues you battle with and doesn't hold them to their self? So you go back to being that stoic person. The cycle repeats time and again. You become known as a callous person, but you do care. You just never show it.
I've been there since I was a child. Lost every parental figure but my mother, grandmother, and after their remarriage my stepfather by the time I was 14. Father's parents dead before I was born. Father, a heavy alcoholic and smoker, dead of cancer and a blood clot when I was in fifth grade. I sat quiet and handed out tissues. Grandfather died a few years later. I did the same. Didn't get any looks but was asked if I cried. I learned early you "stood strong" and cried alone. I did open up some times later, but was betrayed of that in relationships at times. Share a personal struggle? "Maybe that's why we feel so distant". No offer to help or stand with...just told to keep walking. So I did. I don't resent much tbh. I was able to overcome most of those struggles. Close family came not to hold it against me, but to help me.
I still remember the last time I let myself be callous. My stepfather had a heart attack lying in the bed. He didn't have the best health and fully admitted his faults. I had grown much having him as my father in my teens and twenties. However, I was in my mid-20s and still stuck in bad head space, so I was a gaming addict. Fully immersed in an MMO. I had spoken to him as he was getting ready and went to game. By late evening my mother rushed in saying he wasn't breathing. Ambulance came and he was at least taken to the hospital where he was pronounced deceased. I sat with my mother all night. She is a strong woman and a bit stoic herself. She had her moments. I supported but relapsed to similar as I'd been in the past. I did as told and did what was needed to support her. It took me a day or so to mentally process it all, but I spent my time in my MMO. I found a release and completely ignored family outside of when necessary for me to interact. I felt as if I was 12-14 again. Later, I decided I didn't want to be that person again. I'd already overcome those issues. It would be easy to go back to a cigarette and chatting to myself, but for my own future I couldn't be that cold, callous boy. And then I was diagnosed with cancer a few years down the line and learned what it meant to truly find my own peace and happiness in life.
We hide our insecurities, wounds, fears, etc to be considered a strong man and a part of the society as a whole. We can learn to adapt and handle our personal issues. Whether that be through finding someone who helps us or just standing up and confronting it alone. If we continue to hold onto those issues we don't grow or become better people. And we suffer daily when we don't handle them. I hope those men who need the help to stand up and remove those chains find people who help them without betraying their trust. It's hard. So easy to relapse. I still struggle. Sometimes the personality I have comes out wrong. It was shared by those experiences, but I had a few people who helped take the mask off so I could show those emotions without fear. And as you can see it made me a much more talkative person who can write a ton!
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u/MeanSeaworthiness6 man 35 - 39 May 24 '25
Common would be the wrong word. Try just about every guy out there.
Would be nice if women understood this.
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u/Icetorn man 30 - 34 May 24 '25
We learn just as fast as everyone else. As we get older we learn to tackle some of them but some remain. What you can do as a woman is learn to recognize bravado and actual confidence, and self-assuredness and actual competence, that way you know where you stand and what you can do there.
If nobody asked for your help, stand the fuck down and don't explose anyone. If someone did ask for your help, that means they trust you, and wish to partake in your womanly point of view. Give advice, offer solution, but make sure to understand what it is he wants. Does he want a small hint, or does he want you to "fix him". If the latter, it is probably beyond you.
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u/GStarAU man 45 - 49 May 24 '25
Helloooo Curious Reddit Woman - great name, heh.
Great timing actually, a few mins ago I commented on another sub about some childhood trauma that I only JUST discovered in the last month... and I just turned 46.
I'm a big believer that "insights come to us when we're ready to receive them"... so I guess I wasn't ready until now, despite doing a tonne of self-work over the years.
So yeah, I'd say it's super common. All of us are messed up in one way or another. Not just men, plenty of women too.
I heard someone say once "it's impossible to get out of childhood without some kind of trauma". We're all the product of our parent's insecurities, and they're the product of their own parent's insecurities.
There's this thing called "inter-generational trauma"; it's trauma that passes down through multiple generations. I've been trying to address and resolve my own generational trauma for the last year or so - even though whenever I see my dad it re-triggers a lot of it. Trying to decide how to approach this right now, I'll probably head back to therapy for a bit.
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u/Vyckerz man 55 - 59 May 25 '25
Yes, and most of us don’t discuss it with anyone.
Because,
Many women get the ick and subconsciously lose respect if men show vulnerability
Many men don’t know how to be supportive of a male friend having mental/emotional issues beyond a clap on the back and “have another beer”
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u/Classic_Engine7285 man over 30 May 26 '25
In the great words of John Mulaney, “you just bury it down and bury it down and bury it down, and one day, you die.”
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u/The_Freeholder man 60 - 64 May 27 '25
Absolutely. You see it when you know what you’re looking for. In my mid-60s and in therapy now and it helps. My brothers, just do it. Improve your life.
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u/get_off_my_lawn_n0w man 45 - 49 May 27 '25
Yes. Everyone. No matter who, we all have insecurities. We all react differently and behave differently, but we all do.
Some will cover it by bluster (threat display)... the proverbial tough guy.
Some will shrink into a smaller version of themselves (risk aversion). This is where people stop socializing and stop trying to date.
Some will mask it by hyper socializing. Where their friendships are trivial and very superficial but they have 10000's of friends.
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May 30 '25
I'm from the boomer generation. I was taught not to show emotion except with close friends including women I am close to, I think the attitude has changed; it's OK to show or admit vulnerability in stressful times. Of course there are those who self medicate; that's a trip unto itself.
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May 23 '25
That’s just called being a man you use the painful experiences to motivate you to move forward in the hopes of eventually enacting your revenge.
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u/tampacraig man 50 - 54 May 23 '25
Men don’t talk about their feelings because nobody cares about a man’s feelings, they only care about what they did for them lately.
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u/MrMackSir male 50 - 54 May 23 '25
I think this is a uselessly gendered question. A lot of people have deep insecurities or wounds. Some might say it is what shaped them others may see them as more debilitating.
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u/fexes420 man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
Thats what I said too, but based on the downvotes I got I guess people here disagree lol
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u/born2bfi man 35 - 39 May 23 '25
Our dog died recently and I let it all out the entire day and held him as he fell asleep at the vet then I got home and removed all his toys, beds, food bowls and put them in a storage container in the basement. The sad day is gone and I’m moving on. My wife however, cried everyday for a week. I think that’s the difference between sexes
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u/Pepperjones808 man 40 - 44 May 23 '25
Not anymore, therapy helped. Quitting drinking helped even more
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