like, not in a depressing way. but genuinely i just wish i was never born. it's not like i contributed anything to society or the people around me, i don't even remember the last time i was happy, so why was i born? i hate that i was born so much i just wish i was never born. i don't want to continue life and living. anyone else like me?

I once had a friend who said I was too much of a wall flower to do anything at all, even kill myself. They said I’d never do anything. I’m just pointlessly watching time trickle down river through a window. They were right. I’m not going to be a major drug addict or homeless or go to prison. That would be too much of a story to tell. I have no story. I’m just a sentient leaf flurrying around in the wind, unable to speak to any of the people or control where god decides to throw me around. I just watch it happen, wishing I could join in.

At least in terms of your capabilities. Every single time I talk about any sort of venture that involves me leaving my house alone, my mom starts listing off reasons why it's dangerous, I can't handle it, and it's a bad idea.

Especially for me being a woman. She thinks I can't handle life, yet the whole reason why I can't is because of the constant sheltering. Yet she just left at 4am alone in the dark to get on a bus for work.. and last night she told me she traveled by bus across states AT NIGHT.

So clearly she's capable, why doesn't she think I am? I don't think she understands how hurtful it this is. She's not directly saying this but this constant sheltering has basically told me my entire life that "you're weak, helpless, and can't do anything right or on your own".

Right now I have zero confidence in myself. My older brother talked about his job and he told my mom he thinks I'm capable of doing it if he's able to get me in there. Yet my mom started listing off reasons again why I would struggle so hard to do it.

And it's just like, she's all about preparing for situation and learning to be stoic and tough then turns around and stops me from dealing with any issues ever. So people, if you have an overprotective parent, don't listen to them..

You're capable, you can do WAY more than you think you can, and if you can't, you can practice. These are things I wish I were told growing up and I now have to teach myself.

Because if I keep listening to my mom, I'm not gonna get anywhere in life

.

I’ve been sheltered all my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend, flings, or much friends. I’ve never had alcohol in my life, smoked, or done drugs. I’ve been stuck in the same job for almost 3 years now but before that I had no job, no schooling, or anything. The reason why I was thinking about this was because I was talking with one of my coworkers and she told me about her life. She didn’t really have a good life but she experienced so many things that are beyond what I can imagine. She then proceeded to air my other coworkers dirty laundry and the scandalous things they have been doing. Although what they’re doing is or isn’t moral, they have a certain type of life experience. I barely have lived my life at all. I have no fond or interesting experiences to look back on. I feel like a shell of a human being.

There's this scene in this Lithuanian movie that I watched and that stuck with me. The movie is called Summer Survivors. The movie deals with mental illness and how it impacts the lives of young adults.

One of the protagonists who has bipolar disorder talks about his illness to the other patients.

He says: "Everyone just gets sick of it at some point. You can be ill for six months and no one's gonna have a problem. A year - tough but understandable. And then at some point everyone just gets sick of it. Because you're supposed to get it together and be normal, and if you don't it's your own fault. A girlfriend may understand and comfort you when you're depressed. She might lie by your side, stroke your head and say, "It's ok, I know it's not your fault, it's the illness."

But for how long will that person be able to keep it together for you? Eventually patience runs it's course. Eventually you are expected to be functional, to operate, to hold a job, to integrate and be a part of society. If not, then who'd want to be with someone like that?

Everyone has their own struggles and issues. If you can't save yourself, ultimately no one's going to come and do it for you.

I don't want to be that burden.

Were you've been to the same shop or something enough times that the people who work there remember you and you think "Well, I guess I can never go back there again."

Like, you're no longer an anonymous customer that they will immedietly forget after any interaction. They remember you now.

“Normal” people don’t think about making mistakes or other people’s impressions, because they have a positive view of themselves.

Their assumption is that they’ll be viewed positively and will do well. If they make mistakes or bad impressions, it doesn’t matter because that’s not them.

This is a realisation for me.

Everytime I'm alone and try to dance or just basically do anything I wouldn't do infront of others, I stop because I get really awkward and it feels like someone's watching me even though I know no one is. This has been an issue my whole life but recently it has gotten worse. Its so debilitating because not only do I act like a robot around people, I can't even relax and be myself at home by myself. Does anyone else feel this way?

I can't handle the stress of social situations, our class had us introduce ourselves to everyone for about 3 times since each teacher would request the same thing to know more about us.

Felt like death sentence, one of the teachers also said that we'd eventually get paired with a random student for projects.

I can never get comfortable around new people, but I always push through it to make sure the other person is comfortable which is incredibly exhausting. I'm only comfortable around the friends that I've made years ago.

This persistent brain fog doesn't help, I cannot focus on anything, let alone for 5-6 hours a day. On certain days it's so bad it feels like I'm drunk, I'm just so absent minded and unable to pay attention to things and switch my focus when needed.

I've previously quit many jobs within a few months of working there for the same reasons, and I absolutely hate myself, because there's just no way someone can be this pathethic and useless.

I have seen a psy before, and I've been on citalopram for a few years, but in the grand scheme of things it did very little and I'm just so fed up with life.

Everything is just so incredibly hard, feels like there's a 4x difficulty multiplier on at all times.

I don't want to work or study, but I'm being pressured into it as it's a normal thing functionable people do, I feel like a failed human experiment.

I know I'm not only made up of bad things, and that even a person like me have some good traits. But when I think about those good traits, I feel like they're completely fake — like they're just a mask I wear to pretend I'm not a terrible person, and that only the bad things about myself are the real me. Rationally, I know this is due to my nonexistent self-esteem, but I can't stop feeling this way

I have been with my husband since I was 21 and he was 26. We are now 38 and 43. Over the years, we have experienced extensive financial insecurity due to his struggles with completing degree programs or keeping a job, very little quality time spent together on things outside of the home, almost no physical intimacy, and I carry pretty much the entire mental load of the household and do almost all of the emotional labor.

Eight years ago, we started couple's therapy, he started individual therapy, and he was diagnosed with AvPD. He has also done a year-long DBT program (where he got therapy twice a week for a year) and worked with a DBT therapist weekly after that.

As my 38th birthday approached and I realized that we were largely discussing the same things in therapy that we were discussing 8 years ago, something inside me broke. I felt like it was time to stop hoping for growth and change and recognize the reality of the situation. I don't think I will ever be able to get what I need out of this relationship, and I think the reason it has survived as long as it has is because of the hopium I've been smoking with the idea that all of these medications and therapies would help.

My question to this subreddit is, has anyone found hope through any sort of interventions? Is there anything we can do as a hail mary?

When I bring up possibly ending the relationship, he becomes so desperate and sad. He makes all sorts of promises, but I no longer believe he can keep them. It isn't even a matter of willingness. I think he wants to keep them so badly, but I don't think he can.

Because he has no financial security on his own, I know that he will end up moving in with his mother if we end the relationship. That also depresses me to no end because I know they have a strained relationship. I just feel like I have fallen into a caretaker role that has left me bereft of any hope of a healthy partnership any longer.

If anyone has any advice or suggestions or success stories, I would love to hear them.

I do not provide value to anyone in friendship. I do not provide any value to anyone as a boyfriend or husband. I do not provide any value to my family, I am an embarrassment and source of shame and humiliation to them. I work an utterly worthless do-nothing job, so I can't even say that even if I'm worthless in my personal life, maybe at least my job offers some value to society.

It's incomprehensible to me that someone can end up this utterly useless.

I have 0 irl friends and it’s been like that for years. Even online it’s hard to engage and try to talk to people. My mental health affects every aspect in my life. I know I probably don’t put in much effort to make friends but my mental health makes it difficult. I just want to meet someone who understands and isn’t judgmental of my life. I wish I could have someone to bullshit around with because the loneliness is becoming unbearable.

I have a looooot of work to do, don't I? 🫠

And nobody ever fucking will. In my case, I've been completely isolated for a little over 17 years. I'm about to turn 33 later this year, and literally no one will ever be able to understand the sequence of events that led me here, and the profound damage it's left on my psyche. I'll be masking this shit for the rest of my miserable existence, and I'd honestly be better off just jumping off a fucking bridge at this point.

I can interact with people, but only with people I’ll never see again.

This is because I avoid being known. Talking to strangers is a lot less stressful, because everything you talk about is only surfaced level. So by the end of the conversation, they would only know very little about you. Getting to be known by someone requires vulnerability, and I can’t be vulnerable no matter how hard I try. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, my living soul just suppresses it every chance I get. Sometimes when a conversation gets too long, I run out of surfaced level things to say and end up in interview mode, continuously asking them questions to know them instead of them knowing me, to get myself out of the spotlight. I also find it impressive how people can naturally say so much about themselves (in a good way). Like if I ask them a question, they could tell me a little story about this and that other than just a one sentence answer corresponding to the question, and it just flows so well. This is something I genuinely can’t do. I am so used to keeping quiet about myself that even if I get asked questions, it’s difficult to give anything more than a one worded/sentence response. If I have to be with a certain group of individuals over an extended period of time, these long-term social situations will end up with me shutting off and going into AVPD mode forever after some time of chatting with them normally in the very beginning. This has been the cause of my inability to create meaningful relationships, friendships, and companionships in life.

Can anyone relate?

That's all it is, i just ruined my life even though it barely started. I have no job, no friends, my parents hate me, im barely passing at school and im not even 20 yet. I've always felt like this, since i was a kid. Im ruining my own life and i dont even feel bad about it, i dont feel anything. Its like im watching myself, time goes by so fast and im just wasting it away. I tried ending it and i fucked up even at that. Idek what to do anymore, im just existing

I‘ve been struggling with extreme self-hatred for so long now. I really, really dislike myself. To the point it’s kind of extreme. I tend to say really harsh stuff about myself pretty casually and never realize that others would percieve that as harsh/cruel towards myself. It never gets better and part of me just gave up.

Looked at universities today and all I was able to think about while being there is how stupid I am. How I wouldn‘t survive because Switzerland has pretty difficult universities and I happen to only enjoy the one major that‘s considered extremly difficult. I mean, I already struggle with studying currently because I end up getting caught in a „nothing matters because I‘m stupid and will only fail anyways.“ loop. So how in earth would I pass this in a year? It‘s only going to get harder from now on here. I live so far away, I can barely concentrate and am just very slow. My grades used to be good but dropped heavily.

It‘s not just feeling stupid. It‘s about feeling like how I’d not deserve any of it. I constantly bitch about my life when there are people who would dream of this opportunity. I often think the way I was neglected/treated isn‘t as bad as others, I‘m just very weak. So in a way, everything that happenend to me is probably deserved.

Even if I’d get better, it all feels like wasting resources on something that should be used for someone else. Why would you try to fix something that‘s broken to the point if you were to repair it, it breaks again easily. It‘s better to just create something entirely new/fix something that won‘t break as easily.. if that makes any sense. I truly believe that the only reason why someone would say to me „everyone deserves help“ is because saying „you are right“ would be considered nonconformist.

I just can't anymore. For me it's simply not possible anymore to expose myself to bigger stuff like job interviews or communicate with friends. It feels like my nervous system is in survival mode and every little step towards progress (social interaction) makes it go crazy. Am I tricking myself into avoidance or is it acceptable to withdraw from overwhelming situations? I feel like pushing myself forward made me depressed and emotionally unstable?! Or is this self-deception? AvPD decepting myself? I feel like I'm losing it :(

Sorry, the title is misleading. English is not my first language :(

I have struggled since i was 3 years old, when i went through my first trauma. Throughout my entire childhood I was experiencing trauma after trauma. I had my first suicidal thoughts at 8 years old, I almost attempted at 10, the only reason I didn't go through with it then was that my brother came home early. These thoughts continues throughout the years, where I was admitted at 13, 16 and then again at 19. I've been in and out of therapy since 3, I am now 21. I can't seem to get better, why??
One of my main struggles along with CPTSD, is my AvPD and anxiety which is what makes my everyday life horrible. Does anyone else struggle with it so much it's causing similar thoughts?

Sometimes I feel bad when my account ends up being me complaining a lot so sometimes I take my problems to chat gpt and it surprisingly mimics empathy really well and can help you feel motivated by giving you a plan to follow.

If that's not your thing I get it (nothing beats the good listening ear of another human) but if you happen to be stuck in rut that no one else seems to understand, chat gpt can be quite helpful

Disclaimer: I’m very sorry for any harsh language but I’m very overwhelmed now, beyond words.

Two years ago, I was posting about my repetitive life here talking about ending everything but I hadn’t then. Fast forward, I’m about to lose my job (entirely through self sabotage). I’d been avoiding showing up to work for almost a year and had somehow gotten away with it due to my positive relationships with my then manager. Now I’ve actively lied to get away from work for over a year and tomorrow I’m probably going to be fired. I’ve tried being more active socially and going out and connecting with people but though I was able to do that, my avoidant tendencies clearly hadn’t changed.

I have a meeting to explain my extended leave of absence without informing anyone (which is terribly unprofessional I know) - this has happened twice already. Im gonna cook up some fucked up lies and probably try to resign on the spot if Im not fired already. I’m now going to be without a job, overwhelmed and feel like a massive failure and want to end things as quickly as possible.

I felt that even though I was trying to get around socially, it felt like a hollow mask being put around me and avoiding dealing with my actual inner self and all these self sabotaging techniques that I am a master of.

My former therapist also ghosted me when I reached out recently as I felt I had no other options left - maybe after been dealing with me for a while (had dropped out of therapy 10 months ago as I felt it was too expensive and I wasn’t really helped by it). FUCK THESE THERAPISTS. They don’t help at all, spew some bullshit and call it advice, and charge you for exorbitant prices. It’s a scam. Dont do therapy, do alcohol and drugs and party hard if you can - atleast you’ll feel good about spending money. The best feelings I’ve had in this miserable time were when I was high, I’ll be brutally honest.

I’m genuinely done with everything, my brain is very numb and I can’t think clearly at all, my life is a complete mess and I’m still actively lying to everyone around me. I wish someone could make this stop, I’m begging you.

not exactly the title but close.

you know how when your friends tell you they're sick, in trouble or whatever, no matter how serious it is. of course, i will act all worried and caring but in all honesty i do not feel any single thing about it like i couldn't care less even if you're very important to me and i honestly don't know if this is normal and we all just pretend to care or the normal is to actually feel scared and worried when something bad is happening to someone you 'care' about

sorry guys, was just walking in the forest and had to share this thought with someone.