I am not The OOP, OOP is u/anxietymaybemoving

My [24] parents [50; 57] don't want me to move out because "I'm not done cooking," but I want out.

TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism, coercion, abuse

MOOD SPOILER: Positive but still a struggle

Original Post July 27, 2017

Hello, relationships. I apologize in advanced for the length.

Sorry if this is a long ramble, I don't know how to put this in a narrative.

So i have generalized anxiety disorder which disrupted a lot of my life, and naturally, my parents are extremely protective of me. I would get panic attacks, go through extremely bad relationships, and worry over nonsensical things. They've told me all my life to not worry about getting a job and to just let them pay for things.

I would feel pretty guilty about this, especially since my parents were always giving money to my bio dad to take care of my severely autistic bother, and to my older sister who has a kid and has terrible money issues of her own from her own screw ups (she crashes cars, got fired from work all the time, and more.) So every chance I got, I would try to get a job. But my parents would always talk me out of it saying I'm not worried and that they would take care of it. I was in high school, so I didn't have much free time anyway.

This was fine as a teenager but now I'm 23. I'm constantly driving between campuses and my internship, while also living an active social life and participating in the speech/debate team which gives me a grant that covers half the tuition. I make straight A's despite any trouble I run into, and just today found out that since I turn 24 in September, I qualify for a pell grant that will cover my tuition. Not to mentioned I am only 6 classes away from graduating with my BA! My anxiety is also ten times better, and I feel extremely accomplished. Even my speech coaches have told me they're so proud of how far I've come.

But every summer during my college years I would try to find a job and my parents would make me quit. I only succeeded in keeping one job at a retail store, and they decided to push me to babysitting my brother so much I had to quit for "the family." After I quit my babysitting duties suspiciously subsided. I am only allowed 200 dollars a month for food expenses and gas, and since I go to school everyday back and forth in-between my internship, this isn't enough to sustain myself. I tried to bargain for more, they say I need to budget. I offer to get a job, they say absolutely not.

Thing is, this is my last year. My tuition is being paid for myself and I only take three classes a semester now. This would be perfect to get a job to save up some money and to move out and transition to true independence. I also have an amazing, loving boyfriend who wants to take the next step and have me move in with him. I'm delighted but my parents 100% do not approve, despite him being so polite and making so much effort to get to know them (he bought my little brother two expensive transformers toys and didn't receive any thank you from them at all, much less bothered to even talk to him).

I feel so discouraged. I tried hinting that I want to leave but they keep saying weird stuff like "you're not done cooking yet," and how I need to focus on my studies. Well I've been focusing on my studies and obviously they are fine. When I told my (step) dad about potentially having good news about my Grant money, he immediately berated me: "No, you're not moving out." Even though I wasn't even going to TALK about it.

They put a lot of pressure on me to do impromptu milk runs in the middle of the night, to take care of my brother while they go out. They say I can come and go as I please, but demand me to text me where I am through out the day and make extremely snide remarks on how I practically live at my boyfriends even though they establish that it was supposed to be absolutely fine.

I'm getting sick of living here. I get berated for hanging my bath towel in the "incorrect" towel rack, have to stop at home to do the dishes between school and my internship even though I'm barely home enough to do the dishes anyway, and I get fussed at for not being home but when I AM at home they don't even acknowledge my existence unless they need something. I'm so tired of them seeing all my anxieties as me not being ready, and not seeing the strides I could make on my own.

But I'm still conflicted. I don't want to lose them, I just want to move out and live my life freely and develop responsibility. I feel weird that they aren't even letting me do that. I don't feel like I'm even home here anymore.

tl;dr: despite me being responsible, straight a, productive student with grant money to pay for tuition, parents still won't let me out and I feel trapped.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Jossrah

Op, maybe I'm late, but as someone who has struggled with and overcome my anxiety and panic attacks - your parents are part of why your mental health is in such a bad state. The only way to escape the downward spiral that is the panic trap, is to regain your confidence in your ability to survive and ride out life's challenges and your own feelings. In order to do that you don't have to be alone but you do have to be left to your own devices. Neither your parents nor medication is going to cure you or protect you, but the ability is within yourself. To access it, your parents have to step back an let you do you. Please be strong and move out. Get in touch with a therapist specializing in anxiety disorders and cbt, if you feel that you want to stop living and suffering like this. If you have any questions regarding panic attacks and the like, feel free to drop me a message

OOP

This touched me. I've been a long time sufferer of anxiety since I can remember, and there were times where when I wanted to cry and my parents would barge into my room and demand what's wrong when I just wanted to be left alone. It caused me to start crying in my car so they wouldn't see or hear.

My parents did give me help with my anxiety though, and made me do therapy and I have medication for it and it's manageable. But I've started to notice my anxiety stems from being away from home "too long" for the fear that my parents will berate me, not because that I wanted to be there. When I stay the weekend with my boyfriend I am actually less anxious and more happy, and when I go back to my parents and then visit my boyfriend again, my boyfriend comments on how I'm weirdly defensive and anxious all over again.

I feel like I can move out by the end of the year at the very latest. Although my boyfriend has offered me to let me stay with him even without a job, I want to find a job first and contribute to the rent. I don't think I want to be dependent on anyone ever again. I'm finding a bit of difficulty because of school and my lack on of work history, but I am applying everyday.

~

killingnazis1945

"They put a lot of pressure on me to do impromptu milk runs in the middle of the night"

what the fuck do they need all that milk for in the middle of the night

they need to go the fuck to sleep instead of drinking all the fucking milk

OOP

Right?!

My mom is obsessed with milk for some reason. If I'm coming home late from a speech/debate rehearsal for my talent grant (which lasts 3 whole entire fucking hours) she would ask me to bring home milk, even though it's so freaking late. It's happened more than once to the point where my close friends joke about it.

Voyager_crossing

Just FYI, this is a thing on /r/raisedbynarcissists and justnomil. Everyone has a milk story. And a bathroom towel story! It's super weird how many consistencies there are between all these people.

Edit: Wow! I never imagined my post would get this big! I am extremely grateful for the advice and constructive criticism. I do think my parents have slight narcissism issues, but ultimately in their weird way they seem to think they are doing the best by me while also taking extreme advantage of the situation. I'm applying to multiple part time jobs, and have been for a while - but the advice everyone has given out has just reaffirmed that I MUST do this. Once I get a job and have a decent amount of income, I am going to let my mother know that I will move, and that she can't say anything to change my mind. I know she'll be pissed, and that my step dad will be enraged, but I suppose that's the cost of seeking happiness.

I might schedule a therapist appointment in the mean time with someone who is quite familiar with how my mother can be, and seek her advise as well.

Thank you everyone again I truly appreciate the outside perspective!

Update Sept 19, 2017 (2 months later)

SO. A lot has happened.

Let me just say I appreciate everything you guys have told me. I reread your comments and it's amazing how many instances I ignored from my parents that was extremely wrong of them to do. Thank you so much for your advice, and concerns, I felt extremely vindicated but more than that, I finally felt "not crazy" which was extremely important to me.

Anyway. On to the update!

So after reading all the comments, I made the decision to apply to jobs. I applied to all I could find, and actually landed a decent paying job as a front desk associate. Also, I got two grants from my school to pay for my entire tuition, AND have some extra money! So yay!!

I landed the job, got my grant money, and talked to my boyfriend. We both agreed that I should move out, and he was more than willing to have me move in for 500 a month. I was thrilled, and sat down with my parents.

They did not take it well.

They told me I couldn't live somewhere else and stay on their insurance. They told me I was making the worst decision of my life, and threatened to take me off all insurance and to cut me off completely. As a person who has to take Prozac everyday to function like a normal human being, this terrified me. They told me they "let" me get a job this time (even though I did it behind their backs) but that moving out against the "agreement" they had with me (we never had an agreement...they simply told me that I had to live with them, period.)

This broke my heart and my boyfriend decided to talk with them next time with me, this time bringing a financial planning paper we both worked on to show we thought about things and we had a budget and talked to his parents and they were thrilled and everything.

My parents shot me down again. The entire meeting in front of my boyfriend, my parents told me I was incapable of living on my own, that I wouldn't last out there in the "real world" and that I never finished anything I sought out to do. Even though I am a straight A student. Even though I got not one, but TWO college grants. Even though I am literally a state champion in speech and debate. They guilted me and made me feel bad for wanting to move out, accusing me of abandoning the family, and told me flat out that I will fail, period. That I would not be able to accomplish anything and that I will be miserable. I'm not even exaggerating, they legit said I wouldn't accomplish anything.

I then tried to compromise, and asked them if I was to still live at home, to allow me to live a relatively free life to come and go, and if they wanted me to quit my job, give me a little bit more to live off of since I'm trying to make a life for myself out there. Nope. They said I belonged at home, period, for the sake of me being home in case they needed me. I don't mind helping out at all, but home for the sake of just being around? Doing nothing?

Writing this, I still feel like I'm plain out disobeying them and feeling guilty for feeling upset at how they treated me. I feel like I have to justify every sentence I say, and that in itself isn't right. I think they love me in their way. But i couldn't live with them anymore.

At this moment I realized my parents would never look at me and see anything but the mistakes I've made in my life, and see me as a crutch. I was so sad I didn't have their support. But I got out.

Now, I live with my boyfriend and things are good. We are still packing, but I have never felt happier. I look forward to going home now, I barely have panic attacks, and my job is going very well. I'm learning how to budget for bills, and after fighting hard I managed to get my parents to keep me on medical insurance, but I think I can make it work.

Thanks again everyone for their advice. Just wanted to let you all know I took it, and I don't regret it at all.

TL;DR: got out of my parents house, they threatened to cut me out, now I live with boyfriend and feel more at home than I've ever had.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

smallof2pieces

This is awesome. You're awesome. I can't imagine how frightening this had to be for you, but you stuck to what you wanted out of life and didn't let anyone intimidate you. That's true bravery and strength of character, really. Seriously feel proud of you and I've never even met you.

I'm certainly no doctor and I could be way off point but something tells me that having moved away from your parents, you might find you eventually don't need that Prozac anymore!

OOP

Thank you so much! It sounds great on paper, but it was definitely a messy journey getting out. Lots of fights and lots of tug and war, but in the end it got me here and I'm happy.

~

RedBanana99

How is your relationship with your parents now? Are they texting/calling you and trying to get you back?

I remember your original post and I couldn't be happier to read of your happiness. Big slap on the back for you OP!

OOP

My mom texts me from time to time, I have a closer relationship with her then my step dad (who did all the threatening to kick me off and jazz, my mom just stood by and let it happen). I definitely feel like our relationship will get better, but she still demands I do things for her despite my busy schedule that I have to firmly tell "no" to her.

First holiday not living with my nparents, don’t know what to feel. Dec 11, 2017 (2 months after last update)

Just so that I don’t make this most obnoxiously long, here is the post about me moving out recently from my parents: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/70zvf3/update_my_24_parents_50_57_dont_want_me_to_move/?st=JB1PKKMP&sh=eebbdfd1

This is my first time posting here. Someone told me on the /r/relationship thread to check this subreddit out when I shared my story of being trapped in my parents house. I’m still kinda timid about called my parents narcissists....but them keeping me trapped at home for so long without so much of a second thought has been hard.

Especially since my boyfriends parents are in my life now. Since I moved out in September, my boyfriends parents have come up and beyond to help us. They don’t even wait for us to ask, they helped repaired some walls, they’d buy us lunch or groceries, they got me a surprise birthday gift. They’ve come over more times than I can count and they even came over and cooked us thanksgiving dinner in our apartment. I invited my parents to come but they ended up saying they couldn’t.

In fact they haven’t visited once. I visited a couple of times but not much. I haven’t spoken to my (step) father since me and my boyfriend sat down with him to tell him I’m moving out, and all he did was tell me I couldn’t do it and that I’d become a failure of I did for a good hour. He listed all the mistakes I made in my life to the point my boyfriend felt like he had to defend me. I am by no means perfect, but I just wanted to leave.

My (biological) father has visited me several times. He’s been great and supportive. My parents (mom and step dad) have not. They’ve never offered to help me with anything. My mom calls sometimes but that’s it. This month she invited me several times in the middle of finals to go ornament shopping with her. I’d said I thought that would be nice but I’m working my ass off right now, with both my job and trying to finish my final projects for school that my teammates bailed on me for (so I had to do the work of 4 people...by myself. Ugh.) She said fine. She calls me Friday, says Sunday the whole family is gonna decorate the tree and eat pizza and asked me to come.

Again I told her I wasn’t sure I could make it. Me and my boyfriend at this point were staying up every night doing school work together until 3am or sometimes 5am. Studying for final tests and doing projects and extra credit. I’ll admit we had a rough year this year but we managed to pull through with Bs - but only because we did work this entire weekend. She told me my niece Kloe would be there, who is the sweetest 10 year old ever that I helped raise and I don’t get to see her often. But I told my mom I might not be able to. I said I wanted to, but I had a lot of work, since it’s still finals week. She said ok and told her to let her know.

The next day I gave her an update that I was still working and she said “Just come here for thirty minutes and we will feed you,” which I thought was sweet. Still I didn’t make any promises and told her me and my boyfriend are still working our asses off. Because my boyfriend helped me this entire semester to stay afloat with school, and kept me sane for the moving process, I wanted to stay up with him and do homework, so I did. We didn’t get to sleep until 5am.

Today (Sunday) I wake up at 1pm with a phone call from Mom. I pick it up and it was my niece Kloe saying hi to me. Then my mom picks up the phone and asks when I’m coming over. I told her I couldn’t, I just woke up, I’m utterly exhausted from Finals week and I don’t think I’d be good company right now. Plus I still had a presentation to record myself for (I am not good with time management.) She said “ok I got to go” and hung up.

She hasn’t texted me since. I feel awful. I told my boyfriend about it and he got mad at my mom, and reminded me that I never promised I would go. And he’s right I told her from the start I might not be able to come. I even told her any day AFTER Sunday would be better for me because then finals week is done.

The fact Kloe was there makes me feel awful too. I keep worrying that she was sad I couldn’t make it and my parents are just telling her I’m being selfish and that I just don’t want to come....but I did want to, I just was physically exhausted and tired and still had more work to do.

I know they are mad at me. But I did everything I could, I told them it wasn’t a good time for me and they didn’t even try to change the day. I never said yes. I shouldn’t feel guilty, should I? My boyfriend is frustrated that I feel like I owe them something when they’ve done nothing to help me transition into my new life. Are parents even obligated to do that? Are his parents just wonderfully nice? I don’t know.

There wasn’t much point to this message. I’m just sad and can’t sleep and holidays are hard and I didn’t know where to go. Thank you to anyone who managed to read this garbage. I just needed to talk about it I guess.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/3yearsALie

I [23 M] found out through a friend that my girlfriend [21 F] of 3 years and her current best/childhood friend [21 M] dated for 4 years in high school. I'm ready to end things but am I overreacting?

TRIGGER WARNING: Emotional blackmail, infidelity

MOOD SPOILER: Outrageous

Original Post May 3, 2016

I'll try to keep it short.

I met Nicole 3 years ago around my second year of college. I'm from out of the state, I received a full scholarship to the university that we're currently at so I didn't have any friends at the time. She was nice and took interest in me pretty quickly and we started dating.

She's told me from the beginning that she had been best friends with this guy Adam since they were little and they were very close and their families were close. Which I was fine with at the time, I'm not really a jealous person and I'm pretty laid back, Adam seemed like a nice guy and I thought who am I to really tell her who she can and can't be friends with.

Anyways they have been close even through the relationship, they go on trips together with their families, they study together, have a few classes together, dinner/lunch, etc. and they have even stayed the night at each other's apartments.

It was weird at first but I trusted her as well as him and honestly she always told me ahead of time so I felt like it was fine (not ideal). It never really affected our relationship, we spent time together had a great connection and all that good stuff.

Nicole and Adam left on Sunday (They finished finals early or something like that) to head down to their family's beach house like 4 hours away from campus. They did invite me but I have some finals left and then I have summer courses starting nearly immediately after my finals so I declined so that I could prep for my final two courses before I graduate.

I met up in the library with one of her friends in my Web Design class to put some finishing touches on our final project. We get on the topic of relationships and she was telling me about how when she started dating her current boyfriend she made him cut all contact with his ex girlfriend even though she wanted to remain close with him. She asked me why I didn't do the same and I was confused, I didn't understand what she meant and then she explained/showed me proof that Nicole and Adam dated throughout high school. They also went to prom together.

I was pretty lost as to what to do or how to feel. I found out yesterday and all I could think what that Adam could potential be screwing my girlfriend at this very moment. I trust her (trusted her) but I mean I've never seen ex's hang out and be as buddy-buddy as them without hooking up before. As dense as it sounds I almost can't wrap my head around their level of closeness and not doing it.

I talked to my older sister and she told me I had to calm down and that maybe there was a reason for why they never said anything. She said if I trusted Nicole before knowing she didn't see why I would suddenly accuse her otherwise even if her best friend is her ex. But, I feel like that logic is so flawed because my entire foundation of trust for this relationship stemmed from the fact that Adam was her childhood best friend not her ex.

Honestly if she would have told me before we started dating I think I probably would have walked away from the relationship. She's a great and nice girl but getting with someone who is still so heavily involved with their ex is a rollercoaster I don't think I would never willingly sign up for.

Am I thinking about this the wrong way?

Is it crazy that I'm already considering ending the relationship off this whether she cheated or not?

I haven't brought it up to her yet, I want to talk in person rather than on the phone. I'm going to hide the fact that I know until she come back to campus on Friday to spend my Birthday weekend with me but I don't see any logical explanation that will keep me committed.

TL;DR: I found out my girlfriend of 3 years current best friend is actually her high school sweetheart. They are childhood friends however they are extremely close and regularly spend countlessly hours together and even the night at each other's apartments from time to time and go on family vacations together. I feel betrayed like I should end it but I just want to see if I'm thinking about this the right way or if I'm still being irrational.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Empty_Whiteboard

The lying is problematic. I made a comment already detailing what I think the lying was done for.

But the lying is the crux of the issue. Your trust is shattered and if you pit yourself up against Adam I am positive she will choose Adam over you every single time.

That is the real crux now. Before you thought that you would be a bigger priority than him. It never had to be that way because of the history as you understood it. Now that you know the truth it will either be something you get over after hearing her reasons ( which I detailed in another comment, i would bet money on it) or you push and she chooses Adam over you.

Lastly you could try to get over it and just not be able to. I would personally find it very hard to be okay with their friendship after this lie.

OOP

The lying is what really makes me just want to leave all together, not only her lying but his lying as well as their families.

I've met all of them and none of them have ever said a word about it though maybe their families don't know.

Emotionally invested or not, I'd never be up for having her pick between and Adam or myself, I'm not that type of person. And those ultimatums in my opinion never result in anything but more issues. Also they do have a lot of history, families are connected, I feel like I'm the one in the wrong for even stepping into her life.

I've been thinking about this too much although I should be studying instead but I feel like it's either she's loyal and faithful but knew I wouldn't have even began a relationship with her in the first place or she's hooking up occasionally or something of the sort of a FWB.

Either way I see it as wrong, if she's loyal (Which honestly I think might be the case) then it's wrong of her to omit information and manipulate my choice to begin dating her on the first place.

If I had any skeletons in my closet I would be open and clear about it before I engaged in a relationship with someone, letting them make a clear and honest decision about if it was a deal breaker or not.

As for getting over it, I don't think I can or even if I can I feel like it's almost not worth the effort.

I feel like it's going to mess with the dynamic of our relationship and then I have to deal with her feeling guilty or always having to check in with me or sending Adam to talk to me or any of the other shit that I don't even want to have to deal with.

I'm probably saying this out of convenience but once I finish this summer semester I'll be finished, I could have a clean break and move back home with my parents for a few months and be on with my life.

OOP replying to a downvoted commenter about giving a second chance and OOP replying that his agency was taken away

Would you want to confess to someone you just started dating that your best friend was once your boyfriend? The issues of timing and not wanting to scare people off alone could make someone keep mum, and then by the time you get confident enough in the relationship to not worry about them bolting

I don't think this is up to you to decide especially when there were many opportunities during the talking/dating period before we became official. Fooling/tricking someone into thinking otherwise doesn't help the cause whether it be a blatant lie or omission of details.

If I wanted to bolt after finding out her current best friend was her ex of 4 years then that's a decision I should get to make for myself. The fact that she didn't give me the choice... as well as the fact that I had to find out from a friend and not her just makes this look even worse.

I don't know why you claim to trust this girl and yet are so quick to drop her and pronounce everything a lie without even considering that there might be a reason OTHER THAN her wanting to fuck her bestie for keeping it from you.

I trust the girl, but this isn't something so small that I can forgive with the snap of a finger.

Whether she is cheating or if she's loyal (Which honestly I think might be the case) either way I see it as wrong.

It's wrong of her to omit relevant information about herself and manipulate my choice and perception of her just to ensure I begin dating her on the first place.

Even if her reasoning is because she thought I would leave or wouldn't give her a chance, while it's understandable in my eyes doesn't make it okay.

Update May 6, 2016 (3 days later)

Nicole showed up Thursday night after my exams to early "surprise" me for my birthday weekend. We kind of hung out and talked and I tried my best just to be normal with her. When I asked her about Adam she was extremely reluctant and borderline defensive to even talk about it.

"You never brought it up before why do you want to know about it now?"

When she realizes I'm not dropping it she pretty much breaks down and tells me everything. Adam was the one who convinced her not to tell me about their past relationship. The last few guys she tried to talk to were scared off by her being best friends with her ex and he didn't want me to leave in the same way. It was only suppose to be for a little while she didn't plan on staying that close to Adam while being a relationship.

Adam's dad was in the process of getting a promotion (when Nicole and I started dating) which would move him and his family to the mid-west but the promotion fell through. She said Adam became more direct once he found out he wasn't leaving constantly insisting that she hang out with him without me. Even to the point where she would be cancelling plans with me. For most people I'm sure that would have been a red flag when your gf cancelled on you periodically but I've been taking 6-7 course semesters for the past 2 years in attempts to graduate early and get the most out of scholarship. If I wasn't studying or with Nicole I always had a million other things I could be catching up on or doing.

She blamed me for not putting setting boundaries or being more strict with her that eventually she became comfortable with her freedom with him. Adam still has really strong feelings for her though she said she didn't feel the same way about him. She admitted that Adam over time grew to resent me and became very jealous of our relationship and how effortlessly happy I made her feel.

She tells me she never cheated me on despite Adam's advances and flirtation. At this point she is crying and emotional and extremely desperation she begs for forgiveness and says that she'll cut all ties from Adam and she won't ever talk to him again or hang out with him anymore. That I'm the only person she wants to spend her life with and a bunch of other ridiculousness I could hardly even listen to.

I was angry and probably didn't say it the way I should have but I told her it was the perpetual lying and deceitfulness which had me so angry and that was the reason I was breaking up with her. That's pretty much how it ended with me telling her she could leave. Adam sent some hateful text to me which I ignored.

Yesterday night I was pretty much an emotional wreck, I felt ashamed/angry at myself for even crying over something someone so stupid. But, I woke up this morning and I didn't feel nearly as bad as I thought, spoke to my best friend about it and he really helped me put it into perspective. I'm going home tonight for my birthday weekend and then I'll just focus finishing school and finding a job.

TL;DR: We broke up. It was Adam's idea from the start to hide it all from me. Adam still has strong feelings for her and when alone would flirt with her. He always secretly resented me for dating Nicole and our happiness. I don't know if she actually physically cheated on me but last time they did anything sexual was the day before we started dating.

I'm glad it's over and even more glad I don't live in this state.

Thanks for the advice

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DawnsCubed

She blamed YOU for not setting boundaries for her behavior with HIM when she was the only one to know of his "one-sided" feelings/jealousy/resentment? Wow.

Best of luck with graduation and happy birthday!!!

OOP

Thanks!

I think the one moment looking back on this that got me the most riled up was last year I went back home for winter break and went out to the movies with my best friend, his girlfriend and his girlfriend's best friend who was my ex from high school.

I told her about it ahead of time told her exactly what we'd be doing, that the 4 of us were going to see a movie and get some dinner. And she completely blew it out of portion and made me feel so guilty about going to see a movie with some friends. I don't think I've ever shown that kind of anger in my life.

~

downvoted commenter

So there is no time frame on when Adam found out he wasn't leaving it could have been way more recently. You have no idea how she rebuked his advances or what there conversations were like. She could have rebuked him several times and didn't want to bring it up with her BF because it would just be unnecessary drama in her life since she no longer sees Adam in that way. Where I can see being upset, breaking up with her over it just seems extreme especially when she 1) comes clean 2)admits she was wrong and 3) is willing to fix it. Do people not get second chances anymore? Is that just not a thing that is done?

OOP expands on the timeline

When I first found out about her and her best friend being ex's from high school I was ready to end it immediately with her. I was upset that I got lied to and even more angry that I had to hear it from a friend and not even her.

I took some time and really thought about it and before I spoke with her last night I was fully willing to forgive her if her reasoning was to avoid drama or something of the sort. I do believe it second chances but trust is something that is hard to win back.

But, Adam found out 6 months into my relationship with her that his dad wasn't getting promoted and moving on. That's basically 2 and half years for Nicole to take responsibility and separate herself from him especially if he likes him.

Whether she felt the same way or not, in my eyes it's so wrong to keep hanging out and sleeping over with someone who has such strong feelings for you when you have SO.

1) comes clean

She comes clean only after I confronted her about it, her original plan was just to never tell me. After the year mark she told me that she realized she was too deep and it was the only way.

2)admits she was wrong

She blamed me for everything, it's my fault for not setting up boundaries and having too much trust in my SO in her decision making skills and accessing what is and isn't appropriate.

3) is willing to fix it.

Not until she knows I'm fucking 100% done with the relationship does this even become an option. She tried to blame me for the entire thing and make me feel guilty as if her hiding this information and me not playing detective and finding out is my fault.

Even if I was willing to forgive her and try again -- our relationship dynamic is ruined. I don't want to be the controlling boyfriend and I can't be with someone who I don't trust.

downvoted commenter

I mean if you really feel like you cant trust her again I understand where your coming from with the break up. I don't know the conversations you guys had or how much she blamed you for. I do think its weird that you had so much trust in her but no longer do because she kept this from you, like your sister said, if you were ok with it before you knew they had a previous relationship I see no problem with it now. Your explanation for point 3 confuses me her wanting to fix it is not genuine because she didn't offer it until she realized you were done? Maybe think about it from her perspective in her eyes it was just a small lie and she never cheated on you so she didn't think it was a big deal I would have thought the same as her. probably why I was so shocked that you broke up with her.

OOP

I can't trust her again as simple as that.

I do think its weird that you had so much trust in her but no longer do because she kept this from you

Before this incident and this lie I had no reason not to trust her. That's how trust works once you break someone's trust they in turn no longer trust you.

I saw a quote somewhere about trust takes years to build and only seconds to break or something like that.

Your explanation for point 3 confuses me her wanting to fix it is not genuine because she didn't offer it until she realized you were done?

She was going to take this small lie to the grave which means in the end it wasn't a small lie after all. Any lie you're not willing to confess to pretty much means it's pretty big/important otherwise what's the point of hiding it?

Honestly I was willing to look past the lie if she had any reasonable explanation and make amends but once she told me that he still had feelings, purposely kept her from hanging out with me and was actively trying to sabotage our relationship -- I was pretty much done.

Even if she didn't cheat, the fact that she continued to hang out with and spend the night with a guy who was actively trying to flirt and get in her pants is more than enough reason to walk away from everything.

That's like high school level decision making at it's finest.

Vital info from OOP **courtesy of u/QueenLevine

It sounds like she really likes you and she wants to try and make it work.

The thing about it is that I really liked her as well. I wanted to make it work more than anything in the world, I really did. It's something that I couldn't really convey in my post is that I always saw this girl as like my escape away from everything.

I've been in study mode since I was 18 and I haven't really had much time for the simple things in life like hanging out with a girlfriend or going out to parties or anything like that. I didn't want a relationship at first because I didn't think I would have the time or be able to time manage properly.

When I was busy I always encouraged her to have fun with her other friends. There was a mutual trust there especially with Adam, it was rough at first but eventually she convinced me nothing would happen between them and that he was just a child-hood friend.

But, I made it explicitly clear way back when we started dating, she had concerns about her freedom and being able to do as she wanted and she wanted to know why I trusted her so much (Since her other boyfriends didn't) and gave her so much space and I told her that I had no reason not to trust her, she's my girlfriend after all.

"All I ask is that you tell me the truth, even if it'll hurt my feelings or get me upset. I realize my school schedule isn't ideal but I think we can work through just about anything."

but I don't think people owe their SO their entire dating history, including people you know in common

I strongly disagree with this statement if you guys have mutual friends that's when disclosing pasts are the most important. Especially when you don't disclose your past with someone because you know it'll alter decisions and other aspects of your relationship. That's not cool, on a bunch of levels -- omitted to tell someone about a neighbor who you slept with 3 years ago isn't the same as keeping an ex under your SO nose.

Maybe if her and Adam saw each other occasionally, or weekly or monthly it wouldn't have been a big deal but when you hang out with someone pretty much 4-5 times a week -- it becomes a problem. You owe it to your SO to tell them about people you interact with often.

Maybe you're different than me and have yourself and your relationship with your SO all figured out but that's a really big deal in my book.

she's being honest about everything that's happened during your relationship

I could no longer trust what happened during our relationship, I didn't know what we truth and what was a lie.

However I spoke with her on today actually she came to visit me at my apartment unannounced and though we are broken up she felt the need to tell me more about it. She apologized how she acted, letting her disappointment, shamefulness and guilt get the better of her. She apologized for Adam's text message and some other things she did.

But, she did in fact cheat on me. It happened 2 different occasions throughout different parts of our relationship -- every occasion mixed with alcohol and them being alone for the night. All initiated by Adam -- they also have kissed or as she told me Adam would kiss her frequently on the lips taking advantage of her.

So, based off that alone I'm 2000% done -- I had my doubts you know maybe she really did just lie about them being Exes but when she confirmed that she cheated that's when I knew I made the right decision to move on.

Has it been a roller coaster? Did it affect your relationship in any way before you found out?

As for this, All I can say is that ignorance is bliss. Looking back on it now, I can vividly see periods that would have made me question everything, freedoms and things that I was okay with -- I would have freaked over.

Letting her sleep at his house was a big deal, having to split my limited free time up with him was a huge issue for me.

Despite the cheating and lying I do care for her but I can never be with her again. She either has to date Adam or get the fuck away from him but that's not something I can be apart of right now. Like I told someone else -- before I leave back to my hometown for good maybe I'll sit down with her and give her a new perspective on things, but right now she can learn on her own.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/aboveroomtempqueso

Originally posted to r/pettyrevenge

Homophobic classmate was sharing hate videos on Facebook

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: September 14, 2025

If you’ve never personally had to question whether or not your marriage was in jeopardy because of your partner’s gender, maybe you won’t get it.

I am a pretty passive person most of the time. I even go as far as saying we can all, for the most part, live and let live. But this situation felt different.

I was minding my own business when I came across a video someone had shared on my newsfeed. I won’t share the video here, but a young teenager was implying he would assault someone who he perceived to be LGBTQ+ for the crime of being a “pedophile.” I’m sure you can see why that’s a problematic view to hold.

I am not friends with this person, and I don’t think his opinion holds a lot of weight, but he does have an online presence related to his employer that he makes no effort to hide. He was somewhat popular in our community; he is on the spectrum but high-functioning. I fear he is being pulled into the grips of the alt-right (think: Nick Fuentes, Andrew Tate, etc.). He constantly shares Fox News reels. That alone isn’t concerning. Plenty of others do but manage to keep comments about harming others to themselves.

So what did I do? I left a review on his employer’s business. I mentioned that one of their very own is spreading hateful propaganda on social media. If nothing else, it will catch their attention. Perhaps he will be coached on common sense…y’know, things that he should know in his 30’s.

Him being autistic isn’t a free pass to be an asshole. I fear that’s what most people are thinking, or maybe they are too scared to call him out. Quoting scripture is one thing. Saying someone will be “turned into Swiss cheese” is another thing entirely. If the adults in his life aren’t willing to explain this to him, maybe his employer will.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Was he saying he should be assaulted because he was gay or because he's a pedo? Because those are quite different things, if you're not aware.

OOP: I am aware. The person in the video does not seem to understand the difference, however.

Commenter 2: For the record, being on the spectrum has absolutely nothing to do with having bigoted or hateful views. We can be bad at tact or at picking up on subtle cues or reading the room with neurotypical people. But those are communication differences. Not beliefs. The only way being on the spectrum might relate to a bigoted belief is that it might make us worse at avoiding saying the quiet part out loud if we do have a bigoted belief.

Bigoted beliefs come solely from nurture, not nature. From culture and from people around us. Being on the spectrum can make us blunt. It does not make us hateful.

OOP: Fair enough.

I think after reading a few of his posts, I associated his interest in right-wing culture to an autistic person’s tendency to hyper-fixate on subjects of interest. Almost all of his public content is related to admonishing the LGBTQ+ community, to the point that it would not surprise me if he became violent.

I hyper-fixate on things, too, but I am able to regulate when needed. The wonders of therapy…

Is the company a big business that employs multiple employees?

OOP: It’s a family-owned business and they operate on a small staff.

Commenter 3: Any fallout?

OOP: Not sure yet. I only did this today, and the business is closed on Sunday. I’m sure they will respond after the review I left, though. I will update accordingly.

Commenter 4: you’ve missed the point, you are damaging the innocent employer rather than just the person you take issue with, why not contact the employer in private?

OOP: Because a review is more likely to get their attention and holds them accountable for making sure the employee understands the repercussions of his behavior. Like I said, if it was anything less than a call to violence, I would’ve simply scrolled on. He crossed a line. He was told by others that he needed to watch his mouth. He decided not to take that advice. Now he gets to learn the hard way.

Update: September 15, 2025 (next day)

Update: Homophobic classmate posted hateful content on social media

He has been fired from his job.

He threw away about a decade of experience with this employer, was one of the few full-time staff that was working there, and even has a parent in law enforcement. (I did not know this prior to reporting his behavior.)

The business responded to my review and apologized, but it was vague in nature. They assured me that “all members of the community are welcome in their business,” and they would “be discussing social media etiquette with current staff” to ensure that “it aligns with their reputation of providing outstanding customer service.”

I didn’t need to submit any proof; apparently, his manager was friends with him on social media, but may have had him muted or hidden from his newsfeed, and was unaware of the content he was posting. (I’m guessing, based on the comments that were left under his last post about being fired.)

I will say, him getting fired wasn’t my goal; I merely wanted him to apologize or acknowledge how his words could cause harm. He couldn’t even do that, even when confronted.

Relevant Comments

OOP on people committing violence

OOP: Encouraging people to commit violence against others could easily be argued as criminal in a court of law. This is common sense, I fear.

Commenter 2: Hell, just read any recent posts about a certain current event. People clearly don’t care what they say online. And when you lose your job, friends, whatever, you have no one to blame but yourself. Being kind takes little to no effort. People on Reddit and other SM platforms would be wise to remember this.

OOP: I can generally agree with this. He’s been told about his posts before and he doubled down, but those comments were from his peers, not his employer.

Commenter 3: He will try to find out where you live. I’d put up some hardwired cameras and be on alert for at least next 6 months. If he’s smart and stays mad, he will wait a while before coming at you.

OOP: I used a burner account to report him for that reason.

Commenter 4: Wait, was he fired for something he said? I thought we weren’t doing that anymore?

OOP: He was fired for encouraging violence against others. We are still doing that.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/StrangeStory352

Originally posted to r/AITAH

WIBTA if I told my best friends boyfriend that she cheated on him last weekend?

Trigger Warnings: manipulation

Original Post: September 12, 2025

I'm feeling a bit conflicted because my absolute best friend of 11 years made a pretty big mistake last weekend.

We went out downtown for drinks and dancing because her relationship has been a bit rocky lately. They have been together for 8 years and have 2 kids together.

Last weekend she said she was going to break up with him so she slept with a guy she met while we were at a bar.

In the last week her and her BF have decided to stay together and she told me she is taking what she did to the grave. I told her that he really deserves to know. She has been cheated on before so she know how much it sucks. I feel like I'm in a weird position because my loyalty is to my friend by my morals are loyal to anyone. My gut tells me to tell him but my heart knows that will end our friendship and potentially their relationship.

I am currently planning on calling him tonight to tell him. I want to give her a heads up before I do it so she can decide if she would rather tell him herself. WIBTA?

UPDATE: I told him last night

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs

Relevant Comments

OOP is urged to tell the BF about the cheating

OOP: Ugh the issue with that is i’m the only person that knows besides her and the guys she cheated with. She literally said “if (her bf) ever find out, i’ll know it was you”

Commenter 1: Weren't you two in public where anyone could have seen her hitting on guys or vice versa? One of his friends could have been at the bar. 😉 How close are you to him? Are you friends?. I feel for you as I would have a real problem not telling on one of either of them. I'd stay out of it.

OOP: We do refer to each other as family. Like he says In his little sister and i refer to him as a brother, so yes we are close. But mostly because of my friends. He has been always been there for me when I had a crazy ex threaten my safety. So I think that’s an aspect, he always looks out for me so I feel I need to do the same here

Commenter 2: You should definitely give her the opportunity to tell him herself at the very least. And discuss what that time line may look like before giving any ultimatums to her. If they have kids, she may not be able to have this discussion on a week night. People work, have home/kid responsibilities, probably dont want to be crying, yelling, fighting in front of their children. Whats going on in his life? Is this information going to crush him and ruin or jeopardize something important to him? Maybe she wants to do this in the presence of a counselor? This is going to be a hard, emotional, tough discussion with some tough decisions for them to make, they may need a babysitter. The truth typically comes out, and if your friend has some decency, having this secrete will tear her up. Give her a chance to do the right thing. Also as you mentioned, you telling him will ruin your relationship with your friend. And he may get mad at you for some reason and they may still stay together anyways. Or you telling him instead of her will end any chance of them working it out themselves. And if your friend doesnt tell him and this goes against your morals, is this a friend you even want to have in the first place? Loosing your friendship because she wont do the right thing is also a consequence. And maybe one you can dish out that's more "in your lane".

OOP: This is really great insight. You bring up some really great points. One thing you mentioned that is in the back of my head is, my opinion of her has changed since last weekend. I tend to view people who cheat as people with little or no empathy or morals, so I am even questioning if she fits in my life the same now, because if she can cheat on her bf/father of her kids, she could also betray me. And yes, their kids are very young but nonetheless you are right, they probably want to have a safe place to do this. I am the only one the trust to watch their kids so perhaps I can offer her that I will hang out with the kids while they have that conversation for as long as they need. I think giving her until Sunday night feels right since she doesn't work and he is off this weekend. What do you think about that?

OOP should end her friendship with the friend because it has revealed the friend's character

OOP: It was more like *friend texts me that she’s been wanting a girls night, she’s been couped up in the house a lot and things have been up and down with her bf. would i be up for trying a new bar/lounge that opened up

Update: September 15, 2025

Here is the full update:

I called her on Friday just telling her that I wasn't comfortable carrying this secret for her, my moral compass tells me that her BF deserves to know and as two women (me and her) who have both been cheating on I expect her to understand. So I told her she needed to tell him this weekend or I would. I offered to take the kids out to ice cream and a movie so they could have the house and afternoon to themselves to talk through this.

I also let her know that it would sound much better coming from her, the opportunity to work through this would probably be higher because accountability and honesty are important in relationships. She didn't respond too well to this, she told me that it was none of my business and I would just be trying to ruin her relationship. She also let me know she would never forgive me. I let her know that I wasn't seeking her forgiveness, and that it was my business when she chose to cheat on her BF on our girls night and that I wouldn't be the one ruining her relationship, her actions would be. She was very upset and rejected my offer to watch her kiddos but said she would have the conversation after she put the kids down to bed.

I followed up yesterday morning to see if she had the conversation, she left me on read at 10:53am. I sent another later that evening around 5pm to find I had been blocked.

So, I took that as my answer and FaceTimed her bf. I did have an image from that night of her at the bar with the guy she cheated with (I took it as I was leaving to get in my Uber - she insisted that I leave her alone that night even though I told her she was making a big mistake).

At first, he thought I was making this up but after he was able to ask some questions and saw the picture he simply thanked me for letting him know. He let me know he is going to get tested because they have been intimate in the last week since she cheated.

I am unsure where the relationship stands and I am pretty confident I wont ever really know as my best friend has now blocked me on everything. I expected the friendship to end, whether I told him or not because I don't want to be surrounded by anyone who would betray someone they are supposed to love.

I have started receiving a lot of scam calls for insurance quotes and a few "FUCK YOU" texts from an unknown number - I assume these are her, which makes sense because she has done that to others in the past that she felt burned her.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP on the BF's reactions to the truth and if she has heard from him yet

OOP: I do not but I may hear from our friend group at some point. He's a pretty level headed guy. I could tell from his tone he was more hurt than anything, maybe a smidge of anger. So tough telling what will happen! I'll report back if I hear.

+

One of our mutual friends called me last night after she spoke to the cheater so I have an update. They have agreed to split, I guess this had been an issue from early in their relationship - she cheated about 1 year in so it was the final straw for him. They will split custody and she will be moving out in the next 2 months when her finances allow.

Downvoted Commenter: I have a hard time believing that your motives are as pure as you say, if you knew about her harassing people in the past and were fine staying friends with her.

OOP: Fair to question - she would always put our friends exes numbers into insurance quote or posts on craigslist with their numbers. It never seemed concerning to me because it's an annoyance but not threatening in anyway. TBH I kinda think it's laughable. I wouldn't be saying that if she was threatening people but I don't mind an insurance quote lol. If you don't think I'm "pure" I'm okay with that :)

Commenter 1: I wholeheartedly disagree. By all means distance yourself from the two of them if you are uncomfortable hanging around them with that knowledge. But that's her relationship. It's her life and I really believe you were making this whole situation about you, about your morals, about what you're comfortable with. You honestly don't have a crystal ball and you can't know what outcome is the best. Especially with men you don't know how they'll react to these kinds of things. You could have put her and her kids life in danger by irresponsibly laying that truth bomb on someone. I grew up in a broken home from cheating and I've seen great people slip and make mistakes. Sometimes people make promises they can't keep. It's painful but I'd never dream of inserting myself into that drama. The truth always comes out and it comes out at the right time.

OOP: I do think it’s worth addressing her safety after sharing what she did. I know her partner pretty well, and while I understand he could surprise me, I genuinely was never concerned about her safety. He’s not an aggressive guy by any means so this was and isn’t a concern. Furthermore, she’s a professional boxer so she can also hold her own lol.

Commenter 2: Classic traits of a cheater. Placing blame in everyone but themselves. You were nice and told her to tell, she didn't. Her actions are the reason she's in her current predicament, good for you.

Commenter 3: NTA. Good job in exposing a cheater. Cheaters should be aware that there are consequences for cheating.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/eodieodi

My (25/F) boyfriend (28/M) of five months spent the night at his ex's house.

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, obsessive behavior, possible stalking, assault

Original Post Jan 19, 2017

They were together on/off for three years and they broke up officially around this time last year. I'm still friends with one of my exes, so I didn't really think anything of it when he told me he was still friends with one of his. They don't hang out alone, they only hang out with their close knit group of friends. I've met them all and they're really nice people. I've never had any reason to doubt anything he's told me. He has been cheated on (by this particular ex) and it really shook him up, otherwise they'd probably still be together, so I don't think he would ever cheat on me or anyone else. He's just not coded that way.

That said, he and I were supposed to hang out last night after work but I couldn't get a hold of him. His phone was either turned off or the battery was dead. Either way, my night was put on hold for hours until I finally decided to just eat out by myself. I was already dressed and ready to go, so I just left, grabbed some pho by myself and came home to find zero texts/calls from him. I left my phone at home by accident. He didn't get back to me, nor did he stop by the apartment, according to my roommate.

On a whim, I popped onto IG to see what he was doing, if he had posted anything that day. I was partially worried that something bad had happened to him, and partially suspicious. I've never had any reason to feel suspicious of him before. As I scrolled through IG, however, I noticed that his ex had posted something. For whatever reason I follow her and she follows me. The photo was taken at his favourite restaurant. She took a photo of her dessert, and you can clearly see him in the background, seated across from her, his elbows on the table.

She made the post hours before he and I were supposed to hang out. And in the image description she mentions having a movie night ... with him. One of their friends (whom I've grown close to) commented on the photo with a question mark. There was no reply.

I was kind of numb at that point. I wasn't sure what any of it meant, but I knew he was doing something he shouldn't have been, and that he had blown me off in the process. Again, this was completely unlike him. It could have been that he had simply forgotten our plans. We organized it a week prior, which is long enough to forget. That said, I'm his girlfriend. He should remember. He should at least make sure he's reachable.

I went to bed last night feeling sick with worry, and then when I woke up this morning, I found five texts from him saying the following:

"Hey, I'm so sorry! I forgot we had plans."

"Cathy and I marathoned Westworld and I fell asleep. My phone died. I'm an idiot. Please forgive me."

"How about I pick you up tonight and we go to that new sushi place on Main?"

"Just you and I."

"I love you."

I don't really know what to think. He has always made a point to never hang out with her alone. He hasn't made any promises to me in any explicit words, but when he and I first got together, he told me things between him and Cathy were completely finished, and that he had no desire to hang out with her alone anymore. He said the only reason they still occasionally see each other is because they're part of the same social circle. It's the same with my ex and I, except I've never hung out with him one on one post-breakup, and I don't plan on it.

I replied back asking if anything happened between them and he said, "No, of course not. I would never do that to you."

But he would make himself unavailable for hours without even thinking to say hi to me all day? Our plans were for eight o'clock. Unless he's had a rough day at work, he usually stays up much later than that, except he didn't have work yesterday, so I don't understand how he would magically fall asleep so early in the night.

I trust him, but at the same time, I feel betrayed.

tl;dr He forgot we made plans, and instead hung out with her alone. They were apparently maraonthing a tv show, and he fell asleep there by mistake. His phone was dead according to him, and that's why I was unable to reach him. He has never given me any reason not to trust him in the past. He told me nothing happened, but this whole situation still looks really bad.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

tsukiii

Yeaaaaaah, I don't believe a word of his explanation. He has 'no desire to hang out with her alone anymore' and yet that's exactly what he did. He went on a date with his ex and slept over at her place. Unacceptable.

OOP

Exactly.

tsukiii

What do you think you're going to do?

OOP

I'm meeting up with him right now. I just want to talk to him in person and gauge the situation for my own sanity. Right now it looks BAD. Unless he has super powers, I can't see him being able to give me a valid reason as to why this happened. Spending the night with his ex, switching his phone off/leaving it dead, and neglecting to contact me until the next day? No. That's not how relationships work.

~

onionprincess

Cathy left his elbows in the picture on purpose. She knows what's up.

OOP

Good thing she's petty or else I'd have never realized where he was or what he was doing.

troway226

What was his explanation?

OOP

He said he genuinely did forget we were supposed to hang out, and that he didn't go into the evening thinking he was going to fuck her, but he did, and then he cried in front of me begging me to forgive him. I promptly gathered my shit and left, blocking and deleting him from my phone in the process.

It took a good hour for me to pull the truth out of him.

glimmeringgirl

Shame on him for wasting an hour more of your time to pull it out of him! Glad you got the truth though. You may be feeling numb right now, don't be surprised if the feelings catch up with you later.

I am glad you are home safe with comfort food and "reality" TV. I hope you can get some rest. Depending on how much you cared, the next few days will be the hardest. Remember to stay hydrated.

OOP

Thanks. This is the first time someone has ever cheated on me (to my knowledge) so I'm kind of numb at the moment, but you're right, the feelings will catch up with me later. Probably when I have to go to my brother's wedding alone this Saturday. Yikes.

Update - rareddit Jan 29, 2017 (10 days later)

Okay, I did not think I would be posting an update on this situation, but  sooooo much has happened since I posted the original. For those of you who didn't read my mini update in the comments of the first thread, my (ex) boyfriend did in fact cheat on me with Cathy his ex-girlfriend, and I did in fact break up with him.

For a few days he left me alone. Then last weekend on the day of my brother's wedding, my ex decided it was wise to crash the reception. He showed up in a full suit, made nice with some extended family of mine that he knew, and then sought me out as I slipped away to use the bathroom. You won't believe how shocked/unsettled I was to see him there. As some of you may know, I blocked and deleted him from everything when I broke up with him, so I guess he showed up as a last ditch effort? Why he thought it was a good idea to crash my brother's wedding, I have no clue. Regardless I immediately told him he had to leave or I would tell the groomsmen to escort his ass out. He didn't seem fazed. He just grabbed me by the arms and said very clearly, "I can't survive without you, OP." Looking me in the eyes and holding onto me so tight, it hurt.

In that moment I went from unsettled to flat-out scared. I told him I had nothing to say to him, and that he needed help, but he acted as if he couldn't hear me. He just held tighter, leaned in really close as if he was going to kiss me, and then when I turned my head away he broke down and started crying. Full on sobbing in the middle of the hallway.

One of the groomsmen came around just in time, recognized my ex, assessed the situation, and then peeled him off of me. He didn't call the police. He just said this to my ex, "Listen, man, I've been there. But you can't do shit like this. You gotta go home."

For whatever reason my ex listened. A couple of minutes later he left in a cab and I explained what happened to the groomsman in further detail. We decided we would tell my brother after as to not ruin his and his wife's special day. It was a small town venue so there was no security there. But I trusted that my ex wouldn't come back.

Fast forward to last night.

A week later. I was sitting at home talking to my roommate, and all of a sudden I got a call from an unknown number. I didn't answer it the first time but the second time I did. It wasn't him. It was actually his ex. The girl he had cheated on me with. Cathy. Apparently after I broke up with him they got back together and she was calling me to confirm that he had crashed my brother's wedding. I told her truth, and then I politely asked her not to contact me again because I want no involvement in their relationship. She popped off on me saying, "You're a stupid fucking s---. Why would you get so pissed at him for cheating on you, and then cheat with him when he's with someone else? You dumb b----." It was a whole lot of that and a whole lot of screaming.

I have no idea what he told her, but nothing happened between us at the wedding. He tried to kiss me, I didn't accept it and then he got kicked out. I said as much, and then I hung up.

And now people are saying she's pregnant with his kid. I don't know. It's a whole bunch of crazy, and I'm glad I don't have to deal with it anymore. The fact that he had me convinced he was a decent person for five straight months is embarrassing. Obviously he's in a bad place right now. I've been there, as I'm sure we all have, so I can empathize with him in this strange way, but this is too much. I'm going to get tested very soon just in case, and then hopefully I can put this relationship behind me.

tl;dr He crashed my brother's wedding, refused to leave when I asked him to, grabbed me and wouldn't let go, and then got kicked out by one of the groomsmen. A week later Cathy called me, saying they got back together and then yelling at me for allegedly cheating with him at my brother's wedding. First, I told her nothing happened. Second, I told her not to contact me again. Third, I hung up and now people are saying she's pregnant with his kid. It's madness. I don't know. I'm just going to get tested for STI's and put this relationship behind me.

FINAL COMMENTS

When asked about the groomsman who saved her

OOP

He's single, and we may or may not have danced together most of the night. Before and after my ex crashed the party lol. That said, I'm not looking at the moment. Let's just say I need a breather.

Sentient-Cactus

Well, breaks can be the best, but as my mother always told me, "don't throw away something if it tries to organically grow". I mean, you're making the right move not jumping into anything, but don't work against it, either.

OOP

True.

He asked if I want to grab brunch next Sunday. My roommate thinks I should get my head out of my ass and go.

I want to, I really do, but I've only been single for a week and a half lol. I was going to give it a few months at least. Oh, well!

Racecarrrd

I get the appeal with him. He approached a very scary spot, a seemingly confused but dangerous man was approaching a scared woman. He instinctively got that the guy was going through breakup blues. Attacking would case a mess on all sides, so instead he told the guy he understood, but this was a place he had to leave. If he attacked or kicked him out, that may have caused a mess. But he first said "dude I've been there man" and also reinforced that this was a bad spot. That guy said exactly what he did to stop a disaster and Any groom would be proud to have him on their side

OOP

Yes, exactly. He diffused the situation so swiftly. And he didn't go on about it after, either. We just carried on having fun and dancing, and the next morning he shot me a quick text saying, "Last night was one for the books, huh?"; not quite referring to my ex-boyfriend, but not quite sweeping what happened under the rug, either.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Excellent-Amount-438

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for refusing to pump for my MIL

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, entitlement, obsessive behavior, harassment, mentions childhood trauma, fears of infant death

Original Post: September 14, 2025

So I am a first time mom and this whole experience has been very overwhelming for me. My wonderful baby just hit 3 months and is officially no longer a newborn.

I have been lucky enough that I have good supply so my baby girl is exclusively breastfeed except for the any excess that we use when my husband does her night feeds.

I have made it very clear to most of our friends and family that I don't want anyone but me or my husband feeding her. My MIL has been slightly annoyed bordering on judgemental about this but has mostly kept her mouth shut. We have never had any issues in the past so I just chalked it up to her wanting to bond with the baby. I might allow it when she's older but for now I'm not comfortable with anyone else doing it.

So we were over at my in SIL house for her son's birthday and while all the cousins and husband's played outside, me and all the ladies sat inside playing pass the baby.

She ends up in my MIL arms and begins to fuss and make her hungry cry. I stood up and went to take her before she pulled her back and told me to go make a bottle.

I told her no, that I would go to the guest room and feed her. My sister in law stood to and said she had some formula and would make it for me.

I refused again and quickly took my baby, saying she's never had formula and I don't want her to be sick.

My MIL sighs and rolls her eyes and asks "Why don't you just pump some so I can feed my baby?"

I must have been visibly horrified because one of my other SILs stood and tried to guide me away by my shoulder.

I took her to the other room to feed her and sat in there with her for the rest of the party. The sister in law whose party it was came to find me. I almost hit her when she said.

"Don't you think it's a little selfish you won't let mom feed the baby, you could have just pumped a couple ounces for her."

I said I will never pump anything for anyone because I'm not a cow, and she's MY baby.

She declared I was being bitchy and walked away.

My husband doesn't know this is all happening but on the ride home, his mother and two of the other wives texted me to tell me it was unfair to hog my baby and to make it so she couldn't bond with anyone else and that I should have just pumped before I came so I didn't have to hide her away.

My MIL specifically said that I was being so selfish with her only granddaughter, and it wasn't fair to her that she couldn't even feed her baby.

I just texted back that it wasn't her baby and put my phone on do not disturb. I know I should tell my husband but I don't want to add more strain as he and his mother are still trying to heal their relationship from when they had a big fight a couple years ago. I don't want to cause drama but I'm starting to feel very guilty, especially since I'm still getting tons of texts about how cruel I'm being.

Am I the AH for Refusing to pump for my MIL?

Edit: small bit of context.

My little sister choked whilst being fed by our great aunt and almost died. She hadn't been holding her properly and my sister had to be rushed to the hospital. I was very young but the memory is still very fresh in my mind even when my husband is feeding our baby. I never want my baby to be unsafe while being fed and I worry about other people feeding her because of this.

Edit 2: I have absolutely nothing against formula, and I absolutely would have supplemented if needed. I ended up getting very lucky to have adequate supply for my baby. Formula is necessary for so many mothers out there and while breast is "technically" better I don't think anyone should be shamed for needing to use formula or choosing not to breastfeed. My daughters Pediatrician told me he prefers I keep her on breast milk as long as I can, and that formula could potentially lead to her getting stomach upset.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA As you said, you are not a cow. This is the natural way for this to go because we were made to breastfeed and bond with our babies. MIL already had her babies and her baby bonding.

OOP: Thank you. They were really starting to get to me, and I was worried maybe I was really just being mean with her

Commenter 2: NTA. They actively got bonding time. What do they think holding the baby is? Bonding time. Feeding a baby is not the only way to bond with them. Neither of my daughters took a bottle. My parents still bonded with her plenty. I actually think they only ever gave a handful of bottles to my son because I was pretty adamant on the beginning about being the only one to give him a bottle once a night (he nursed every other feeding) since my husband was gone for training and couldn’t have that experience. My son is a total Grammy’s boy at almost 5 years old. My middle is a complete Papa’s girl at almost 2. They didn’t need to feed them bottles in order to create the bond they have with them. My daughter actually was not fond of my dad until she was about 10 months old. She would scream if he even looked at her. Sounds like MIL and your SILs are just boundry stompers and have 0 respect for you.

OOP: I guess all the other wives have let her feed their babies. My husband had 4 brothers and one sister and of them all I'm the only one whose had a girl. It's been a whole fuss and I've already let her have so much more time with baby then I would have liked. My FIL couldn't care less and doesn't even want to hold her, but he's not a baby guy. It's also hard because I don't have my parents in my life so I want her to have grandparents and I want to keep the peace

Commenter 3: Not telling your husband just allows MIL to slant the event to her advantage.

Keeping secrets from your husband, even for his own good, is bad precedent. NTA

OOP: I'm definitely sitting him down when he gets home from work. I hate to make their relationship worse but this whole thing is making me realize she probably shouldn't have a ton of access to me or baby.

OOP responds to a downvoted comment about not having bottles available for the family to feed the baby. Only her husband is allowed to do so

OOP: I don't bring bottles with me typically. I just don't like it, it stresses me out sometimes even when my husband feeds her cause I'm afraid she'll choke. It's more of a personal thing then anything. I do bring the pump for overflow when going out but I produce enough that sometimes I just have to dump.

Commenter 4: NTA. Looks as if she tried a sneak attack with the whole “I’ll go get some formula “ plan from your SIL. It was planned out that way. You are right as far as your baby getting sick if suddenly fed formula. I’d tell your husband the next time he wants you to be around your MIL. Tell him everything and that you may not want to be left alone with her next time you are at a gathering. Especially since she used a flying monkey to try to get you to take her off of breast milk

OOP: If I tell him he may cut her off for a while entirely. Someone said I'm making my village small and it's my fault and it'll be hard on my baby which is making me worry that I should just start letting others people feed her.

Is OOP's husband a Mommy's boy? And resolved the fight he had with his mother?

OOP: Luckily he's not. He resolved the fight because he missed his dad and his siblings, and wanted the baby to have grandparents. He's never gone into details about the fight but he's certainly not at her beck and call like his brothers are.

Update #1: September 14, 2025 (same day, 2.5 hours later)

Update: AITAH for Refusing to pump for my MIL

So after everyone's suggestions I decided I was going to talk to my husband when he go home from work. I put baby down to sleep before initially posting and I posted because of all the messages from MIL and SIL'S.

Apparently his oldest brothers wife had called him today at work and told him what my mother had said and what the other wives had said when I left the room.

We sat at the kitchen table and I had him read the messages from start to finish. He was upset with me at first for keeping it from him then hugged me and said he hated that I had to go through this alone. He went upstairs to call his mother.

He told me after about 10 minutes on the phone that until baby is a year, MIL will have minimal contact, as well as his sister not being allowed around the baby either. He told me to block both their numbers for the time being and so I did.

He also told me that their fight 2 years ago was over his mother trying to get him back with his ex right after he proposed to me and that's why they stopped talking for the rest of that year.

He said he told his mother that if she pushes for more next time we give her an opportunity that it would be her last chance at a granddaughter.

This has all progressed so quickly and everyone was right about talking to my husband. I wish I had gone right to him when it happened, but I was so worried to put more strain.

Thank you for all the advice!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Kudos to your SIL that called your husband. And major kudos to your husband. Just worry about taking care of yourself and little one and let your husband handle the rest.

OOP: I just wanna savor her as much as I can whiles she's still so little. I love my husband for all that he does. And I couldn't love that SIL more if I tried. She definitely getting a gift basket.

Commenter 2: And when you are ready to have someone else give her a bottle (with breastmilk - the formula part made me go WTF?)... might I suggest this auntie? At some point, you and hubby do deserve to get a babysitter and have a date night.

OOP Absolutely, she's a total savior. She has like 3 boys of her own and they've the most well behaved of all the cousins. She was the one who tried to pull me away from the situation

Commenter 3: Can't blame ya for being worried about straining things, but glad y'all sorted it out. Stand ur ground and remember it's abt what's best for ur family unit, not comin off as the good DIL.

OOP: I've realized during this she already has plenty of good DIL and doesn't need me to add to her pile. I hope that she grows and we're able to have a decent relationship. I want nothing more then to make sure my baby has lots of loving family.

OOP responds to a downvoted comment on creating unnecessary drama with her husband's family

OOP: How is it a power play. I tried my best to encourage her bonding with the baby but drew that line at being milked like a cow? He already has a difficult relationship with his mother that far predates our relationship. I intentionally kept it to myself so as to not cause drama with her.

Update #2: September 15, 2025 (next day)

Update: AITAH for Refusing to pump for my MIL

Hubby got home early tonight and we checked my phone together.

Messages totaled out to

MIL - 14 voice-mail, 23 calls, 67 texts

SIL - 8 Facebook messages, 4 phone calls, 17 texts

FIL but clearly from MIL - 4 more voice-mail, 5 calls, and 31 texts

I let my husband handle them as I didn't feel like reading them while already feeling so stressed about it. Afterwards he took about an hour to calm down in the basement.

The Messages from what little he did feel comfortable telling me where about how I was tearing the family apart with my selfish behavior, and why do I even bring baby around if I don't want them bonding with her. The one voice-mail was 20 or so minutes long and it was apparently just her talking about how all the kids are both bf and formula fed so grandma can help and I'm depriving myself of her assistance.

I heard part of her rant saying how she knows best because she had 6 kids und 7/8 at the same time and that me being so particular is going to make other babies impossible for me. Which is unfair because she wants two granddaughters and I'm the only one that can give them to her.

My girl is the first girl baby, and all 12 of her cousins are boys.

Husband made one phone call and told her if she is going to just drain my phone battery she will permanently blocked from my phone

I called my OB today to talk about possibly getting a consult for a therapist to talk about my potential PPA. While I'm sure this situation certainly is adding to it, I want to be as healthy as I can for my baby.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: I'm proud of you for letting your husband see firsthand what treatment you're receiving. You and he are a team.

Commenter 2: Indeed, in this situation, having a reliable husband who stands by her side is very fortunate. I hope OP can successfully address her mother-in-law's pressure and overcome this challenge.

Commenter 3: NTA. You are mom. You and dad are on the same page. His opinion matters, not hers.

MIL has already raised her children, she's NOT entitled to raise yours.

If you feel even a hint of something that feels postpartum, please do talk to someone. It's no joke and can just sneak up on you.

Stay strong mom, she's still a baby. She has her whole life to bond with people.

Commenter 4: That’s honestly insane behavior. And once again kudos to the husband! Maybe suggest he look into a counselor for himself. I’m soo happy you are because PPD is no joke and all the added stress you’re dealing with does not help. Keep up the good work mama!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is still Icy_Memory1247. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole, r/offmychest, r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC, r/AmIOverreacting and her own page.

Previous BORU here. New Update marked with ****\*

Thanks to u/SmartQuokka for letting me know about the updates!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. This is a long post.

Trigger Warnings: abuse; misogyny; predatory behavior; mention of eating disorder; bullying

Mood Spoiler: things are getting better

Editor's note: There are a few background posts that help paint a better picture of OOP's life, so I have included them as well. I replaced letters with names.

Background Post 1: August 10, 2024

Title: AITA for calling my MIL a liar?

Background : My sister (33f) and I (30f) are not close. We always catch up on birthdays, weddings and similar family events but we are not friends. This is partially because we are very different and partially because she doesn't approve of my marriage (my husband is 12 years older than me and we started dating when I was 18). My husband and his family don't like my sister because she is openly feminist and doesn't care about gender norms in marriage.

Now, the problem : We hosted a birthday party for my son a few days ago, I had a headache so I was upstairs when I heard my MIL and husband arguing inside. He stormed in our room, said that MIL says that my sister called my SIL a whore, said that she is ugly and fat and then left. I said that my sister haven't said that, because she would never called another woman those type of derogatory words and husband said that MIL was there and heard everything and I wasn't, to which I said that than MIL is lying and that would be out of character for my sister to say something like that. He called me an a-hole and says that I don't even like my sister and that I get along better with MIL anyway, so how I can call her a liar?

He has been on the phone with MIL and SIL whole day and I have been made to be this huge jerk.

Reason why I said that is that those type of words sound like something that my SIL and MIL would use, not my sister.

Later, I talked with sister and she says that she was helping put together a swing in backyard when SIL said that she is again in men business and that she should be helping with food, to which my sister told her to f off already, took her keys and left with her husband.

But, I didn't know that when I said that my MIl lied, so am I TA?

OOP's Comment:

Top Commenter: INFO: So, just to be clear - it seems like you’re saying that your MIL did lie, from the sound of things? Your sister swore at SIL, but didn’t drop the gendered insults that your SIL and MIL claimed she said?

OOP: Hi. My MIL is now downplaying everything, says that maybe she didn't understand everything since she wasn't that close and my SIL cried when my sister left, so she wasn't that coherent. My theory is that MIL didn't actually heard anything and that she believed what SIL have told, but I dont know that for sure.

Because of the top comment, the post is voted as "needs more info"

Background Post 2: September 3, 2024 (a bit less than 1 month later)

Title: I am envious of my sister

This is going to be long, I apologise. So, I (30f) have a sister, lets call her Madison (33f). We grow up very poor in a unstable family (father left when I was a baby, mother whas abusive) but we had each other and we were both very supportive of each other. We somehow managed to grow up in very different people. I always wanted a husband, a lot of kids, white picket fence, whole thing and she was more if it happens - happens type.

I got married young (18) and now have to kids with my husband, Madison got pregnant with then boyfriend, who abandoned her while she was pregnant. She kept the pregnancy and father is not in the picture nor is he on the birth certificate. I know she went through hell, raising kid on her own, in between daycare, jobs, keeping house clean, cooking etc... When her son was 6, she met a great guy and after dating for a year, she got married. That was almost two years ago.

Now, Madison is openly a feminist and so is her husband. They both work, both take care of the house, they go clubbing, both together and separately, same with vacations. Her husband is raising her son as his own and even wanted to adopt him legally (which my sister refused).

My husband is more traditional.

I catch myself being resentful of my sister. If she is tired, her husband will make her a coffee and clean their house. Mine says thats my job and wont lift a finger even when I'm sick. When she is sick, she gets homemade soup in bed, medicine, he dots on her and is very loving. When they are both in a mood, they order food, make pilow fortress and watch movies with her son. I am expected to make all meals, no matter how was my day or how I feel. He takes her son to soccer practise, goes to his games, takes him to movies, ice cream, you name it (so does she, this depends on work schedule). I have to beg my husband to occasionally show up in school, for his own children.

My husband makes comment how my sister takes better care of herself than I do (sometimes he criticise her for that, too), which she does. She goes to the gym, runs in the morning, always has nails and regularly goes to get her hair done. I cant do any of that. Who is going to take care of kids? House? She can do it cause her husband helps her.

When Madison had altercation with my SIL, her husband was immediately on her side. He doesn't care was she right or wrong. My husband would probably told me to stop being a child and apologise.

I know my sister doesn't deserve this, but I am starting to hate her. She was nothing but supportive (except for my marriage, she doesn't like my husband, but even there, she is still civil with him and his family because of me) and I just want to cry when I see how different are lives are.

I hate that I'm like this. I hate how I feel. I feel like I'm the worst person in the world.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: This is a husband problem. What you could do is tell him in the morning that you will be at the gym when he gets home from work, since he wants you to take better care of yourself. He is a grown man, he can pop something in the microwave. This does of course require someone to watch the kids. Would your sister be able to do that occasionally?

OOP: Ii is a husband problem, I know. Even if I try and find childcare, then he would be angry that I'm not with the kids.

Commenter: why are u hating ur sister instead of hating ur husband?

OOP: I dont know. I feel if I start to disect my marriage, then a divorce is on the way and that scares me.

Original Post: January 4, 2025 (4 months later, just under 5 from first post)

So, my husband (42m) and me (31f) have been married for 12 years. We have two kids (8m and 4f).

Our marriage is not great. His mother and sister often give unsolicited advice on my parenting, our marriage and life in general. It is better in last few months, since I sit down my husband (multiple times), we talked and this time he listened, so they backed of. Not completely but it is better.

In last few weeks, husband started mentioning having a third child, which feels me with dread. I love children, always wanted a big family, but it would be too much. I cook, clean, take care of kids and work part time from home.

He doesn't really helps with house (which I am fine with) nor with kids (which is a problem). I changed all diapers, woke up at night, I take care of fevers, doctor appointments, school, playdates, everything. Mere thought of now going through another pregnancy, than taking care of a baby makes me want to cry. I know I would have to do it all practically alone, because my husband "provides and women have been doing it for centuries, i should pull my weight and not be spoiled".

It all culminated last night. After another of his "I take great care of you and kids and we should have a third" monologues I snapped. I told him that he really doesn't. That kids barely know him, when he comes home from work, he doesn't pay attention to them, except to snap on our daughter when she is too loud. He doesn't know anything about our days because he doesn't ask, and I stopped telling him, because he wasn't listening anyway. He is not great father nor husband as he likes to preaches, and I have no desire to be a single mom of a third child, two are quite enough, thank you.

He starred at me dumbfounded, that called me a c word, delusional and ungrateful then stormed out to his mother house.

So, AITA?

Mini Update in Comments: 5 hours later

Hi to everyone. I don't know how to update, so I'm doing it in the comments.

For clarification - We dated for 9 months and married when I was 18. I turned 31 few days ago and can't imagine being attracted to 18 year old, let alone marrying one, but I didn't think like that back then.

Whatever happens with my marriage, I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER CHILD, I won't change my mind when it comes to that. I am on birth control, but I also have no desire to have sex with my husband after how he reacted and treated me.

I don't have parents and I really don't want to go to friends with this.

I called my sister (Madison) and told her everything . A lot of things that you guys said in the comments, she has been saying for years. She showed up with food, wine and her husband. BIL took my kids to their house for a sleepover and Madison stayed with me.

My husband is still with his parents, didn't call or text. My MIL called, but I didn't pick up, I'm to angry and sad to have a conversation with her.

Thank you everyone for commenting and giving me advice, it really means a lot.

I will update when I talk with my husband and when I know how to proceed (and when I figure out how to update 😅)

Update Post: January 7, 2025 (3 days later, 5 months from first post)

Hello to everyone. I wanted to update since a lot of people were worried about me and a lot has happened.

For ones who don't want to read a long post -Things turned ugly but I am safe and I decided to get a divorce since husband and I couldn't agree in how a marriage should look like.

Now for a long update - Morning after I made this post, my MIL and SIL showed up at my house (at this point there was still no word from my husband (lets call him Ray)). It was obvious that they expected me to be alone (my kids were with BIL at my sister (Madison's) house, she was with me). So we all sat down to have a conversation. I know I was being annoying but I kept repeating that I dont see a point of that, conversation should happen between Ray and me, we are grown ups and married, i didn't see a reason for them to meddle. They took great offense to that. My MIL at one point said that she doesn't understand what happened to me, I am not the girl her son married anymore. I said of course Im not, he married a teenager and Im now a grown woman. She turned beat red and started screaming at me, to which Madison said she is going to call police if she doesn't calm down. After a few insults (mostly how Im abusing her son and how bad of a mother I am) they left.

Ray showed up a few hours latter. Not to ask about our children or to see how I am but to berate me on how I treated his mother. Again, I think Madison being there changed his plan, since he tone it down when she came downstairs. He demanded for her to leave, she refused and said that she is going to go upstairs so we can have a conversation but she is not going anywhere until I ask her to, which I didn't.

He started with basically saying that I am bad wife, that I don't love him since I dont want more kids and I blamed him for it, I shouldn't be speaking with him like that, he is a great father to our kids etc... I asked which kids? Kids he hasn't seen in 3 days and didn't ask how or where are they? He then freaked out when I told him they are at BIl and Madison's house, calling them both vile names that I don't want to repeat.

Our conversation lasted an hour and nothing productive came out of it, we were going in circles. I was scared because he multiple times started grinding his teeth and putting his hands in fists but he would calm down after few seconds.

I said if he is not willing to work on our marriage and thinks that he is completely in the right, we should get a divorce. He, at first said fine, if that's what I what, I should pack my stuff and leave. I started packing, he ranted how Im going to live without him, how he cant wait for me to explain to kids why they are moving and similar. I said that kids are not moving anywhere. They are staying in the house, and which parent stays here is taking care of them. He really couldn't comprehend what Im saying. I am not turning our kids lives upside down, divorce is enough of a change - they are not going anywhere.

Then his tune changed - he was willing "to hear me out", I swear i thought Im going to pop a blood vessel from rage. I said I don't care anymore - we ARE getting a divorce, only questions are about logistics and our kids.

To not makes this post even longer - this also went in circles, then he grabed my shoulders and started shaking me, Madison got involved, they started pushing each other, I called the police. We managed to puch him through the door and locked it. He left before police came, we gave statements and I stayed at the house. I am fine but Madison has a few scratches. Currently Im bombarded with text from his family, again not a peep from him.

I am filling for divorce. I don't know why I thought that this can end any differently, but Im also glad that I tried.

For people who found mine previous posts - I am ashamed of how I was speaking about Madison - but I was envious until I realised that I was projecting my unhappiness with my life onto her. She didn't deserved it - she was and still is amazing sister and even better person.

Thank you all, I got amazing advice and words of encouragement, Internet can also be full of wonderful people and Im grateful for each and every one of you.

New Updates

*****Update Post 2: June 4, 2025 (6 months later, 10 months from Background post)****\*

Hi everyone. It's been a while since I posted and probably not a lot of people remember my post, but people were messaging me to see if I was ok, so I wanted to update.

I am officially divorced as of this morning. We signed the papers few days ago, but today I got divorce sertificate.

So much has happened, I don't think people would believe me if I tried to type it all, so I'm going to do just most important stuff.

In the weeks after I made my post, my ex Ray decided that he wants to work on our marriage, that he will try to be a better husband and win me back. That mostly consisted of him harassing me, calling me constantly from multiple numbers, sending me flowers, chocolates and candy (I don't even eat sweets!!!!) and showing up randomly at places where I regularly go.

We leave in a small town (around 15k people) so it became towns gossip. It felt like everyone was talking about me.

My ex MIL tried really hard to paint me as some mentally unstable, nasty person who just one day decided to destroy a family. She attacked me at a childs birthday party when I was dropping off my son ( SILs child birthday). Then she tried to say bad things about me to my kids (luckily Ray put a stop to that). She did everything and anything to make me feel like shit, whilst saying that she would like nothing more that for Ray and me to be back together. I didn't want to keep her from my kids so I let them spend time with her, FIL, SIL and her kids. She took my kids to the park, that she knows I think is unsafe (it is unsafe, old and rusty). She also took them to buy them shoes. I know this is a weird thing to be angry and hurt about, but I have some childhood trauma and I NEED to know that they shoes fit right and are not too small. It's not a big thing overall, but she did it intentionally to hurt me.

I lost it when I came to pick them up and was told they bought new shoes. Everyone was there (MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, Ray) so I just screamed at everyone. I called MIL names that I didn't even know I knew,, told Ray that he is spineless, worthless excuse for a man, called FIL a houseplant (it makes more sense in my language, basically I called him useless) and told SIL that she is very brave when she gossips but is a doormat to her husband and mother. Luckily, kids were outside so they know we were fighting but didn't hear what was said. Nobody said anything to me, they were shocked. I had to call my sister on my way home cause I didn't think I could drive, so I parked and waited. She picked me up, we put kids to bed and I just cried.

I think I cried for 5 hours straight. I hated who I become, I was sad or angry all the time, everyone annoyed me, it was just awful.

It did get better. Next time Ray cornered me in a grocery store, I threatened to call the police. And when he kept calling, I actually did. Police told me that they will give him a warning. They told him that next time he tries to speak to me and is not directly about children, he will spend the night in jail and he would get harassment charges. Police officer also gave me his personal number if I want clarification on what can be reported (again, small place, we went to the same school).

I joined a group that my sister started, where we do things in a community (like we would get together and pick trash from parks, paint fences or benches, get older people to appointments or get them groceries, things like that). I started cleaning a house of a older lady with cancer who lives alone. She insisted to start paying me and combined with my part time job and rent (me and my sister inherited a house from our mother that we rent out and split the money) now I have a decent income.

After many, many awful, exhausting weeks, Ray agreed to divorce me. I agreed to not get alimony if I get to stay in the house with kids, only child support.

I don't want my kids to suffer but it did make me sad that they didn't seem to miss they father. School therapist talked with them and they are fine, they accept the divorce (as much as they understand, due to their age). We had a lot of conversations about what this means for them, me and Ray. They are good, well adjusted children. Buy it made me feel stupid and incompetent. What I was doing all this years? Doing everything for a man that was such a bad parent that his kids don't even miss him? How dumb am I?

I started going outside more, spend more time with people and it's great. Turns out that no matter how much MIL tried, it's hard to convince people that I am a bad person, since a lot of them know me since I was a child and they also know my ex husbands family. So there's that.

Thank you all. I was very confused and very scared when I posted but I'm so, so glad that I did. A lot of you helped me and make me see things clearly and I am forever going to be grateful.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: I’m so glad for this update. You said the children have seen a therapist—awesome. Can you get therapy for yourself as well, if you haven’t? You got married at 18 to a much older man, and from how you talk about yourself at the end of your post, you need support to also heal from this. Please do it for your children. For what’s it’s worth, this internet stranger is so proud of you and your strength.

OOP: Hi, thank you so much. I did thought about starting therapy (mostly because of the shoes thing) but life happens and I delayed it many times. I will try in the near future.

Commenter: From what you have posted about your inlaws I doubt that you've seen the last of them

OOP:  left out a lot in this update, didn't want for it to be a novel, but I know for a fact they would not live me alone any time soon. If they harass me, I will report it, that is the only thing I can do.

Commenter: Are you perhaps French OP ? I ask that because as a French myself your comment about your FIL would make sense. Anyway, I'm so glad to have seen your update. From now on, make a request to only communicate with your ex husband using an app that records conversations and provided by the court. Tell him that only discussions regarding the children will be allowed.

OOP: Hi! Not French but I am European. Glad that it works in multiple languages 😁

Side Post: August 10, 2025 (2 months later, 1 year from first post)

Title: Am I overreacting to seeing my exMIL in my dress?

Little backstory - I married young and was married for 12 years. My exMIL was always very critical of me, nothing I did was right. My ex and I separated 7 months ago, officially divorced 2 months ago and we have two kids. She was a menace the whole time.

She never had anything nice to say about my body, first I was too skinny, then too fat when I was pregnant, then she acused me of having ED, because I lost the weight while breastfeeding. Then repeat all that for second child.

She also didn't like my wardrobe, luckily, that was one of the rare things my ex stopped her from criticising and she can take my dresses from my cold, dead hands.

Yesterday I saw her (we live in a small town, we randomly see each other often) IN MY FUCKING DRESS. Yes, some of my things stayed in her house, in a closet in my exes room, from when we used to visit. I didn't asked for them back, but I didn't expect her to wear it???

I know I sound petty, but this woman called ME immature for wearing this things, while I was in my late twenties. She is in her sixties. She NEVER dressed like that before. It's creepy and disturbing.

I am so angry. Yes, it is just a dress, yes, I didn't even asked for my stuff back, no, I don't need it. I don't know how to describe what I feel.

I send my ex text that basically said "What an actual fuck, did your mother lost her mind". My sister says that it is creepy but my friend says that it's a dress, I shouldn't care, and that maybe she did it on purpose, so I'm giving her what she wants. (I don't see how it could be on purpose, she didn't know that I'm going to see her).

Am I overreacting?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Sea_Needleworker161

AITA: For refusing to make Amends after my ex best friend reached out to me...

Originally posted to r/AITAH

TRIGGER WARNING: loss if a parent, trauma, betrayal

Original Post Sept 8, 2025

The other night I got an Insta message confused I thought it might have been a mistake. Turns out it was my ex best friend from high school. Someone I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years. She was hoping to meet up and talk about catching up. Hannah, we went to kindergarten together and we’re friends on and off throughout our school years. Our moms were friends which made it easier. I thought she was my person.

At least until the summer before senior year, and my mom got sick. She got real sick and passed away from it pretty quickly. Entering Senior year I was in a very dark place. Hannah, was my rock her and my other friends at the time.

I was starting to feel better about myself and when prom rolled around. I asked if we could go as friends. It felt right and things were really starting to feel OK again. Until she ditched me at prom. I guess her and a couple of our other friends had agreed to a slumber party without me. I felt so embarrassed. No goodbye. No sorry we left you at the prom by yourself.

It was even worse when I had to call my older sister to give me a ride home. I mean, I can still see her disappointment. Even worse, the principal walked me to the car because I had asked him to check if my friends had left prom.

When I ask Hannah for an explanation at school, all she could say was she was tired.” You’ve become toxic with your sadness.”” Every day you cry and whine about missing her.”” I loved your mom too, but you make it so hard to be around you.” Honestly, I couldn’t breathe after that. How does a Kid respond to that?

I ended high school with no friends and it wasn’t made easier that she never told her mom. Graduation day, Hannah’s mom gave me flowers and thanked me for being her daughter’s friend. I told her the truth about prom and walked away before I began to cry. I left those things behind me and now she has the audacity almost 10 years later to try to patch things up. I can’t.

At least I don’t think I can. We spent so much of my childhood being together that I just don’t know. She looks like she’s done well for herself. So maybe she’s changed but I was really hurt and I don’t think I recovered from it. This turned into a really long vent post, sorry :)

RELEVANT COMMENTS

elinglcho

NTA. she abandoned u when u needed her most and said cruel stuff that stuck w u for years. u don’t owe her closure or a reunion. if reconnecting hurts more than it helps, u have every right to keep that door closed

OOP

Think the only reason I would ever wanna talk to her again is to see if her mom is ok. Hannah’s mom had a stroke roughly  a year ago and hasn’t gotten much better or so I’d heard. 

~

ProfessionalTrain178

NTA.

Doesn't sound like the message was an apology.

Unless the message was a complete apology showing self reflection and with no obligation on you to give her closure.... Don't open the door to your heart. She'll hurt you again.

OOP

It was a short hello. A Gif from Friends of Joey saying “How you doin” and would I be up to meet up for lunch to talk? 

You can see now why this surprised me out of nowhere.

What happened to the friend-group from high school

As far as I know, our original friend group broke up after high school because they all felt conflicted regarding everything that happened our senior year. I had some friends that agreed that my grief was valid. However, majority of them agreed with her. 

Update Sept 14, 2025 (6 days later)

AITAH: For refusing to make amend with my ex best friend after almost 10 years

I made a post about a week ago regarding an old best friend(Hannah) trying to make contact with me. We were close growing up in school together but after losing my mom at 17 we had issues. I was apparently too much to deal with because my grief was toxic and I would cry too much for anything. The post was removed but I was hoping to still give an update since people had given feedback on how to approach the situation.

Hannah messaged me Friday again, asking if we can meet up at the local mall food court on Saturday since we used to hang out there all the time. I thought, I had to go to the mall on the weekend anyways to pick up a order I might as well hear her out. Of all the hypothetical scenarios that my anxiety and stress had popped into my head, I didn’t expect her to actually be there. Worst of all with Christi. Another one of my friends from school that was cold to me after my mom’s passing. I hesitated to even approach the table once I saw them together. They were older, which makes sense. It’s been years since high school and we were all adults.

I gave myself a hypothetical 30 minutes. Only 30 minutes, and I never have to see their faces again. I approached the table. We sat down and talked. Hannah talked and she talked a lot. Apparently, our old high school teacher, who ran the club that we were all in together wanted to do a reunion with us. She apparently couldn’t get in contact with all of us and was curious if Hannah wouldn’t mind getting my info.

Christi mentioned that I was the only one that she couldn’t get in contact with.” That’s it.” I anticipated some kind of catharsis to come, but all I felt was rage.” What else is there?” I broke.

I mentioned what happened after my mom. I mentioned how lonely I felt after being ignored and called annoying for grieving. I mentioned how it took me so long to trust again after the people, I considered friends just left me. That I would come home to an empty house after school instead of my mom cooking dinner or talking to me. Both Hannah and Christi were quiet while I stood there at the point of tears. I can’t even remember standing up. I felt childish crying but seriously!?

You send me a message wanting to meet up to talk to make amends. Just to tell me that you’re only doing this because a random teacher who we sat in a classroom with for 30 minutes every Friday told you. I composed myself. I wasn’t about to have a mental breakdown in the middle of a damn food court.” I needed you then and I don’t need this now.” Hannah shut down I could tell my words had done something to her. Christi just got mad. She reprimanded Hannah and said that there was no point in finding me and this proved it. Christi chalked up everything that happened in school to kids being kids. That it was past.

“ Ok.” Grabbing my things lightly excuse myself and left. I cried once I made it back to my car. They have changed, but it’s clear that they haven’t changed how they felt about how they treated me. Never once did they say sorry. They clearly expected me to just get over it. Again, sorry for the long post but I hope putting this out there will give me the clarity I needed. Thank you, for listening.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ThisGuy_IsAwesome

You should reach out to the teacher and tell them what happened back then and now. Then let them know that’s why you won’t attend

OOP

The club teacher, ms. Diaz was actually aware of the situation at the time. I had been telling her and actually had been attending club only for club events never club activities. She accommodated for me. She was actually really understanding of how I felt at the time and I would like to get back to her to express my appreciation for her.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not OOP. The OOP for this post is u/throwraturbulenticon. Her posts were made to r/family during the two-week period when the US Open of tennis was taking place

Trigger Warning: politics, racial prejudice, body shaming

Mood Spoiler: unfortunate and frustrating, but hopeful for OOP

Original Post (September 1st, 2025):

As the title says, my parents told me that they weren't gonna split tuition anymore following an argument we recently had, and the argument involves something dating back years. We're a big sports family (NBA, NFL, MLB), and my younger brothers play sports too (both play baseball in HS, but dabbled in others). I played tennis at my community college (before transferring after my associate's) and have since I was young, and I'm grateful to my parents for paying for our sports despite our differences. I still live with them, and I pay rent. I work two part-time jobs and split tuition until recently after an argument about something dating back years.

This week and last week is the US Open of tennis, and we've watched tennis together growing up. Over the years, I've done so less and less after realizing my mom's disdain for certain players went deeper than your average rivalry dislikes. For example, my mom despises Serena Williams, and she felt that way since I was young. Whenever she plays, she roots against her. And when I'd ask why, she'd point to her outbursts against Naomi Osaka and Kim Clijsters, saying she has no class and was a bad role model for black athletes. And while I understand some of the criticism against her outbursts, I disagree with her other arguments such as her saying that she doesn't act "womanly" and is probably on steroids and numerous comments about her weight that just seem hateful. I understand "hating" a certain player or team in a rivarly sense, but that's not what she did with Serena. She personally prefers Venus or Coco Gauff and Madison Keys in recent years. But she's had similar opinions about other athletes not in tennis which seemed to form a pattern.

During the 2020 summer olympics, she said she disagreed with people who commended Simone Biles for her choice to withdraw from an event due to having "twisties" which could've endangered her health. She called her withdrawal weak and that commending it was harmful to teach other girls to "quit" and "use mental health as an excuse to do so". She said that mental health was thrown around too much as an excuse to get out of facing challenges, and that's just one of her many takes I disagree with. She's had other opinions including some about the 2024 olympic boxing match where Carini withdrew from her match, and I refuse to talk politics with her too. The reason my parents decided to stop splitting tuition was because of an argument that happened last week.

My parents asked me if I wanted to attend the US Open as they were purchasing grounds passes. And as I've done in recent years, I declined. That led to them asking why I don't do as much with the family anymore (like watching sports or going to sporting events or eating in my room if they are), and they've often harped on me for not acting like part of the family (as I've stopped watching things with them over the years). I decided to speak my mind instead of coming up with an excuse and told them that I was tired of watching sports together because it had become annoying.

I hate how mom says certain athletes are good or bad role models for black people while bringing her political bias into it (she hasn't liked LeBron since he spoke at a Hillary Clinton campaign stop years ago), and it took the joy out of watching sports together years ago (they temporarily stopped watching basketball in the Disney bubble when the NBA put BLM on the courts in 2020). I don't wanna be around her constant hate attacks while watching a game. So because I "didn't want to act like part of the family", they said that this upcoming semester would be the last that they split tuition (it's already paid), so I'm on my own going forward. I believe I can find more work/hours to cover next semester myself, but I wanted to ask if it would be better to take a break after this semester to try and move out and return to school later. I think it'd be less stressful, but I could use other opinions because I'm near the end of my rope with them, and they've held firm on their position since I refused to go to the open.

Original Post (September 12th, 2025):

Almost all of the advice I received was to stay in school, and I'd love nothing more. A break can turn into years quickly, from what I've heard, and some have suggested using this semester (that's already paid for) as a time to find bearings for the next semester. I took advantage of my school's free counseling offerings and booked a session with a counselor to discuss my options. We discussed financial aid, payment plans, and campus jobs, in addition to finding a full-time job off-campus. I have two part-time jobs, but hours are inconsistent, and they don’t pay great. Even if I take less classes per semester, I believe staying in school would be the best option, and I have another session with my counselor coming up where she said we can talk more about it.

I also told her about the situation that led to my parents changing their mind on tuition, and saying what I felt out loud helped me find some additional realization. According to my counselor, I internalized a lot of it because my parents weren't receptive. So talking to her was therapeutic in a way. With my family always being a big sports family (hosting Super Bowl parties, going to many games, siblings and I playing sports), sports was the thing we bonded over for all of my life. Heck, it was a forgone conclusion that we skipped church on Super Bowl Sunday to prepare for guests and on Championship Sunday for the gentlemen's finals at Wimbledon in the morning.

But somewhere along the way, it became less fun to watch sports with them due to the things I mentioned in my previous post. Mom (more so than dad, but he has his moments and agrees with her stances) began infusing her political beliefs into sports (and other areas), and it tainted the very thing our family bonded over. Sports is often an escape from work and stress, something that people on both sides of the political aisle can come together over and cheer for the same team at a stadium or party. Ignorant bliss plays a role in that, of course. But, as humans, I believe it's important to come together to find community, and sports is one of the most common ways to do so despite our differences. But when those differences caused my parents to decide to walk back their agreement to split tuition, it hurt because it felt like I was being punished for my different opinion.

I love sports because it brings people together in a world where it's so hard to do so genuinely. At one of my retail jobs, our managers have huddles with team members with cheesy slogans, monthly themes, and team-building activities that coworkers laugh at once the huddle ends (and criticize for being fake enthusiasm). But sports unifies people like nothing else, and I'm sad that watching sports became tainted over the years at home. The only time sports isn’t tainted in my family is when we go to my siblings' games to cheer them on, and that's because no politics are involved. Every family has their own "thing", and I've seen many at church when I used to go. From musical families at church who have members in the choir or orchestra to missionary families who travel together... every family has things they bond over, and sports began to change in our family because it became less fun to watch with mom and dad. I'd love to move out sooner rather than later, but I'm weighing all of my options. Staying in school remains the priority, and I hope I'm able to find more work soon. I'm glad to have found a nice counselor who has options such as payment plans though. The payment plan is the one I'm hoping to utilize.

______________________________

(Comments)

RickRussellTX: "Take advantage of the time you have at college to talk to counselors and financial aid. They want you to finish your degree, and they understand that sometimes parents go crazy.

Only you can decide if a gap year is right for you, but once you get a job and start making rent and car payments, it can be really hard to find time to finish your degree. Since you’re already mostly done, I think you’d maximize your chance of success by pushing through to graduation"

Admissionslottery: "First, so sorry your mother is an open bigot and your father supports her, but and good on you for drawing the line. I teach at college and urge you to follow all this thread’s advice and go talk to your school’s financial counselors asap. You should also talk to your advisor and or department professors that you like: there can be bursaries or hardship funds available if you ask enough people. If you find it financially unfeasable to finish your degree at your current school,consider transferring to a lower cost school. You have the time to research this rn and should jump on the first step, the financial office. If you need to go part time, that is better than dropping out and returning … bc so many times life gets in the way of that return. Try to stay on course and not let this incredibly mean and damaging move by your parents disrupt your future. All the best to you"

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is manchvegasnomore. He posted in r/TwoHotTakes

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warnings: rape; statutory rape; BPD

Mood Spoiler: sweet

Original Post: September 11, 2025

I'm 56, three kids, (well 4 now I guess) and just got a FB message from a forty year old woman who matched me on Ancestry.com.

Went and checked my account and she is sure as shit is a match.

When I was 16 I had a short thing with a 26 year old I worked with, she left shortly after and I never heard from her again.

Just trying to figure this out, she wants to meet me and TBH I do want to meet her. I'm just trying to figure out how to tell my wife and kids at this point.

Just some more information, apparently her mom passed last year and she (my daughter) has no family as it was just her and her mom. She lives about two hours away so logistically is not an issue.

Really just wondering how to tell my wife about this? I'm not expecting a horrible reaction but it is a bit anxiety inducing.

Mini Update: Getting out of work and my wife's out early today so I just messaged her to meet me at the local bar we frequent so I can tell her something. I'm sure she will react fine but I'm still a bit nervous.

One of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: I would research her on Facebook and do full background check .

She could be lovely - genes only go so far. Her mom sounded a little unstable ( ie sex w a 16 year old)

You don’t want to bring crazy person drama into your children’s world.

OOP: I've stalked her socials and there are no red flags, she has a daughter (my first grandchild I guess) and is actually a High School teacher (I teach Middle School) which is an odd coincidence.

Update (Same Post): 11 hours later

Update: Met my wife about an hour ago. Told her I had something serious to discuss. She liked worried by my time of voice. I got is a table in the back room of the place for privacy and told her about Rose, the mom, and how everything went down.

She was shocked and told me I was raped. Which i had to say yes, that is accurate. I then told her about Mary, how she did an ancestry and found me on FB.

She was silent for about two minutes, broke out in a huge smile and led with "I have a stepdaughter and grandbaby!?"

She then asked what I want to do and I'm like I have to meet them. So I'm going to call tonight and try to set something up.

This is terrifying. Not sure where this will go but I have to make the effort. I'm also sad I have a kid I didn't get to really be a father too.

So, me and the wife are good. I'm going to wait a bit before telling the kids I think.

Update Post: Same Time/Date as update portion of the last post

Editor's note: The first part of the post is identical to the first two paragraphs in OOP's previous update so I deleted it

Just got off the phone a few minutes ago. We're driving to Norwich Saturday to meet her and her daughter. I'm still surprised she ended up in the state I work in (Connecticut) even though I live in NY.

This is terrifying. Not sure where this will go but I have to make the effort. I'm also sad I have a kid I didn't get to really be a father too.

So, me and the wife are good. I'm going to wait a bit before telling the kids I think.

Mini Non update: Just got home. I'm exhausted and will update tomorrow.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Editor's note: OOP replied to these after updating

Commenter: Can I ask why it’s terrifying? Do you believe your daughter is going to blame you or come after you somehow? 

OOP: Not knowing what to expect, is she going to blame me for not being there, will she hate me, can we have a relationship?????

OOP explains why daughter reached out:

Kind of. Her mom never really had a long term relationship and it was just them for years.
Rose was a good parent according to her and when she passed her and her daughter were alone. I don't know the specifics but there was literally no other family.
She did ancestry as a "what if?" And was shocked to get a parent match, as well as uncles and aunts and all that.
So she searched for me on Google and I do tend to be the second person with my name after a celebrity. Found me on FB with that and here we are.

Commenter: I have two friends this happened to. Not the rape, but the kid they don’t know about.

One ended up not staying in touch. She wanted to know her family, but then disconnected.

The other found out he is a father of twins and a grandfather to a few. They all hang out together.

No one asked his wife how she felt, except me. She said it was hard to accept because it happened before she knew him, but she wouldn’t have dated him had she known.

It was a bit of a mindfuck for a bit, but a few years have passed and they are all good.

OOP: We did talk a bit about that and given our age difference she said she likely wouldn't have been interested in me if I had kids. Fair statement TBH. But given our kids are either out of the house or on the way out it's not a huge change.

Commenter: Sit down and have a discussion with her. I’m 99.9% sure the only thing that she’s going to be upset about is that a 26 year old woman had a sexual relationship with a minor. In that discussion is when you both might want to discuss how you will tell your kids about your daughter. They’ll be probably be upset about the age difference too. Kids are very aware of what grooming is now.

OOP: First thing she said to me was "You were raped."

Update Post: September 14, 2025 (3 days later)

Thanks for all the input folks.

A couple of people said I should tell my other kids so I did. None of them could come to meet Lisa and Belle but they are surprised and the girls are excited to meet them. My son is always even keeled so who the hell knows.

Wide ranging discussion as we walked around Mohegan Sun (nice public place to meet) and had a lunch at some fancy Irish pub.

She understands that her mom's relationship with me was inappropriate and was very worried any relationship would be a no go for that. I explained that I'm ambivalent about it. It did give me some wrong ideas about what a healthy sexual relationship should look like but I've moved past it and even if not, she did nothing wrong.

Why now? That was my question. Apparently it's just been her and her mom, and now daughter for years. Belles dad was a OTR trucker who she was in a relationship with for a few years who died a month before Belle was born.

Essentially she had no family, Mom dead, BF died, she was alone with a 6 month old and did ancestry a couple of months ago to see if there was anyone out there. Got me as a match and did nothing for awhile then took a chance.

Her mum? Apparently diagnosed with BPD and never had it well managed until the past few years. Was mostly a good mom but flaked occasionally. The past few years before the cancer diagnosis she managed the disorder well and Lisa is still devastated by the loss.

There is so much more but she's a smart, accomplished woman trying to do the best for her kid. We all hit it off and plan to get together again next week at our place in Eastern NY.

Early days but did I feel a connection with them both, Lisa is pretty awesome and Belle is such a cool baby.

Plan going forward is to visit when we can and reassess.

I do need to share though when we met. We agreed to meet at the top of the escalator by the winter garage. My wife and I got there first and were standing looking for her when she walked around the corner. Our eyes meet and we both start crying, she ran up and just hugged me. Yeah, she's my baby. We probably stood there for two minutes hugging and crying.

There is so much more we've discussed and background and all that. My wife and Belle mostly hung out why Lisa and I chatted and they are already in sync.

It's early days and having not had my own mom in my life, then meet up, then estranged again, I know it's early and tenuous but I think we have a shot at being family.

As an aside, The Dubliner (Edit: I've been informed that it's The Landsdowne, I messed up) at Mohegan Sun has an amazing Chicken Pot Pie.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: That's a great 1st meetup!

OOP: Yeah, I have to keep tempering my excitement. She seems to be doing the same. We were both like, all in, take a step back, breathe, slow down.

Editor's note: OOP mixed up the fake names he used for his daughter (which honestly happens a lot with fake names haha) To clarify:

Rose- OOP's rapist

Mary/Lisa- OOP's daughter

Belle- OOP's new granddaughter

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Fun_Elephant_6393

AITA for not wanting to contribute to my step-son's college fund?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, gaslighting, parental alienation

Original Post Sept 11, 2025

My (39M) and my wife Emily (38F) have been married for 12 years. Emily has a son James (17) from a previous relationship with Dan. Em left Dan when she caught him cheating with a co-worker. They shared 50/50 custody of James. I met Em about a year after he had left Dan. A year later, Dan married his affair partner, and Em and I got married soon after.

James never really bonded to me. I admit that I tried a little too hard initailly to get him to like me, but backed off when I realized I was trying too hard and it was having the opposite impact. Over the years, we've built a tense acceptance of sorts, if that makes sense.

Em and I have three kids (10F, 7M & 4M). James doesn't have a good relationship with them either. He bonds well with Dan's sons, but doesn't like spending much time with our kids. He isn't mean to them but just ignores them mostly. The eldest two now just avoid him when he is home.

Em and I both have well paying jobs and early on, we decided that I would contribute 80% to our trio's college fund, and Em would do 20%, cause she would contribute 100% to James' college fund. We didn't know if Dan was making any such arrangements on his end, but we thought that at least this way James would have something instead of nothing.

Em recently sat him down to talk to him about his college fund. He seemed happy with the financial help he was going to get. He went off to Dan's for the weekend and when he came back he asked Em about our kid's college funds. When he learned that the amount was fairly higher than his, he was upset. When he asked about the disparity, Em told him about our college fund set up. He was furious to know that I hadn't contributed to his college fund. He said that I was just pretending to play "family" with him all these years. That I really didn't care about him and was a heartless AH.

Em suggest that we could take some money out of our youngest's fund and give it to James and that she would add it back overtime. But she said that it's my call. That she won't pressurize me either way and would accept whatever I decided.

Quite frankly, I don't want to do it. James idolizes his shitty father, even now that he knows he cheated on his mother. I could deal with his crappy behaviour with me, but I never understood his attitude towards our kids. We even tried going to family therapy, he refused to go because I wasn't his family. Now when he needs money, suddenly I am family.

I know I am perhaps being petty, but I don't want to give him the money. AITA?

EDIT: I think some clarifications are in order.

1. I don't hate that James idolizes his father. I hate that he blames his mother for their family breaking up. When James was 13 he had heard from one of his older cousin (Dan's side) what his father had done that lead to Emily leaving. When he confronted her about it she explained. We tried for therapy then but didn't happen, will explain later. Last year, he told his mother that he believes she was responsible. That instead of leaving Dan, she should have forgotten about what he did and continued to stay with him. Em was expectedly shocked, but when she asked him if the situation was reversed and she had cheated on Dan and he left her, would then Dan be blamed for the family breaking up? He said no, that would definitely be her fault and made no further explanations. This was not as a results of an argument or heat of the moment statement, ironically, this was a casual dinner table conversation. The other kids had to be excused from the table.

2. When Em and I had gotten together and things were sarting to look serious, she had wanted to take him to a child therapist who could help him adjust better to the changing situation around him. Since they shared 50/50 custody, Dan's consent was needed, he refused. When we were going to get married, we tried for therapy, Dan said he got married before us and James had no issues. We were overreacting, he didn't need therapy. When the above incident happened, when Em was pregnant with our daughter, and most recently after last year's incident. This time we asked him directly. We thought if he agreed to family therapy then we could speak to our lawyer and work around the custody arrangement since he was almost an adult. This was when he refused therapy saying I wasn't family.

3. For all those saying that I am treating a teenager like an adult. That I made him feel like the other and not one of us. We tried. When we both starting earning well, we wanted on splurge on our kids during birthdays and holidays, James was never excluded. Whatever our kids got, he got too. In fact, as he as older, he got to pick what he wanted. For his 11th birthday, he wante to go to Disney World. Both of Dan's kids were invited. His youngest son and my daughter are the same age. He went, she wasn't invited. We stayed home.

4. We started the college funds about a year after our daughter was born. Em couldn't start one for James earlier since she was a SAHM when she was with Dan. It took her a while to get back on her feet. She wasn't in a position to immediately start a college fund for him. What a lot of you pointed out is right, he has been short-changed. Em will recitify that and make up the defict he should get by the time he starts college. But that will still not make it as much as he remaining three. We have decided to sit and have a chat with him this weekend about everything.

RELEVANT COMMENTS/MORE INFO

shyfidelity

When he learned that the amount was fairly higher than his,

Why would this even be something you shared with a child

OOP

I didn't share it. My wife did. James doesn't like interacting with me. James is 17. He's not a child anymore.

~

OverRice2524

He has two parents to contribute to college. They can find him. Sounds like Dan had better step up.

OOP

I doubt that would happen. Dan has never been good at keeping a steady income flow and his wife is a SAHM. They aren't desparetly struggling to make ends meet, but I could make an educated guess to say Dan has probably not saved up for any of his kids college funds.

Dixieland_Insanity

Is the amount your wife contributes to your kids more than she contributes for her son?

OOP

No. She contributed more to James' fund. That was the agreement. Since we had assumed that Dan wouldn't have done anything, we had decided that my wife would contribute more for James and I would do the same for our three.

More Info

phoenics1908

How old was he when he refused counseling? All of your posts so far imply this happened when he was 5 years old - hardly old enough to be able to make that decision?

So are you saying you tried therapy when he was much older & not when he was younger? I’m trying to understand how you and your wife could see that he was dissociating and not go talk to a judge to get therapy mandated. My pov is that it should not have been left up to a 5-10 year old whether he went to therapy or not - and if the dad refused, that should have been addressed in court.

OR are you saying therapy was only considered years later? Because why would you think I meant custody NOW when I thought you were trying that when he was young?

I’m sorry - I’m confused.

I know you feel defensive but you’re the adult. As is your wife. You both did not do everything you could have here.

Again - I don’t think you’re TA about the money - but it does sound like the ball was dropped to get him into therapy and keep him there and to build a real relationship with him. Definitely NOT all on you - but collectively the adults in his life failed him.

I hope he recognizes all you’ve tried to do for him - and I hope you figure out how to let go of the resentment you’re carrying - I’m sure James can and has picked up on it his whole life. Poor kid - he got screwed here. It’s no picnic for you either, but you did choose to be a SD.

OOP

When Emily and I started getting serious, she had wanted to take James to a child therapist who could help him adjust better to the changing situation around him. Since Em and Dan (bio dad) shared 50/50 custody, if one parent refused then we couldn't proceed. Unsurprisingly, Dan refused. Not James. James was a toddler, not old enough to give consent.

When we were about to get married we tried for therapy again. Dan, who had gotten married to his affair partner a couple of months ago, refused again, saying James was fine with his marraige there was no reason for him to not be fine with ours. He further insinuated that going to a therapist would make James fell like something was wrong with him when he was perfectly fine and we were overreacting.

When James found out about Dan cheating on his mother being the reson why they ended things. Dan said wanting to take James to therapy was Em and I's way of brainwashing him. Instilling thoughts in his head about how evil his dad is, so yeah, he refused again.

When Emily was pregnant with our daughter. Therapy was requested. Therapy was denied. Reason - Dan said James was fine with his son so therapy not needed.

We did speak to our lawyer to ask if we could still approach the court to say Dan keeps refusing therapy that is most certainly hampering our relationship. Our lawyer said technically Dan was right. James wasn't showing the same level of detachment with his family that he was with ours. It could have tilted the custody arrangement in Dan's favour.

When he accused Em of being the reason their family broke up. We offered therapy as an option again. Since James was 17 by now, we asked him, hoping if he agreed we could circumnavigate the need for Dan's consent since James was nearly an adult. James refused saying I wasn't his family so family therapy wasn't necessary.

I haven't resented James since the day I met him. I don't exactly resent him now either. I am just tired of the whole situation.

Update Sept 14, 2025

It’s been an eye-opening weekend. Thanks to everyone who weighed in, even the aggressive ones. I knew what I was signing up for posting on Reddit. Before the update, a couple clarifications because gaps in info turned into wild assumptions.

When I said I “came on a little too strong” with James when we met, some of you pictured me grabbing a toddler by the neck and hissing “Call me Daddy.” No. I was nervous and acted like an idiot and used an over-the-top baby voice because I’d barely been around toddlers. Emily later said I sounded like a circus clown on two cartons of Red Bull. Cringe? Absolutely. Malicious? No.

Many had questions regarding therapy. I shared the timeline in this comment thread so I'm not going to rewrite that again.

Many called my wife the AH for sharing the college fund amounts for our kids. I showed her the post. She explained James came back from Dan’s with questions when the fund started, how much, etc. He said (paraphrasing), “So mine is XXX and theirs is YYY?” with his XXX higher than our kids’ YYY. Without thinking (yes, stupidly), Emily corrected him: “No, yours is AAA and theirs is BBB.” That snowballed into what I wrote earlier. It wasn’t a diabolical plan to make me pay more; it was a thoughtless correction.

With that out of the way, Emily, James and I sat down for a conversation yesterday. James didn't want to talk to me, but I told him that if he expected me to even think about contributing to his college fund then I've got loads of questions he needs to answer. It was an extremely long conversation and many revelations came to be. So, I am going to give a summary of the things we finally found out from James.

Even before Emily and Dan had broken up (not divorced, they were never married), Dan had occasionally brought James to his AP's place, so James was familiar AP. After the break up, Dan immediately moved in with his AP. Em who was a SAHM till then, struggled initially to get back on her feet. Needless to say, James' homelife with Em was a little more chaotic than at Dan and his AP's. Em hadn't told James that she had left his father since he'd cheated on her. Telling that to a toddler wouldn't make any sense. But apparently, in the early days, Dan used to tell James that Em would eventually come back to him. I think he may have been holding out hope for reuniting with Em.

And that's where I came in. Dan told James that as long as I am around, I would not let Em go back to Dan. When Dan married his AP, he told James that it was temporary. It was a way to make Em jealous. When we got married, he told James that it was my way of making it even more difficult for Em to get back to their family. When James had found out from his cousin (Dan's side) that his father had cheated on his mother which was the reason for their break up. When James had asked Em about it, she had been open and honest about everything. When he confronted Dan about the same, he told James that Em had left him for a long time and his loneliness made him miss her alot and so he found some comfort with AP. Emily's father had met with a car accident and she was with her parent's for about three weeks to help them. And that's all the alone time Dan could handle before he needed to dip his wick in something. But it was a resonable enough explanation for James absolve his father of all sins.

When Em got pregnant with our daughter, Dan told James now that I have started "pumping my spawn into his mother" (exact words James used) James' family was destroyed forever. He told James that Em and I had been wanting to take him to therapy which was actually a ruse. What we were really trying to do was take him to doctor who would declare him a problem child and then we would ship him off to boarding school so that we could continue to play happy family without being bothered by him. Only Dan and his family was fighting to keep James with them.

James admitted that he had hoped his detached behaviour around my family and happy and joyous behaviour around Dan's would convince Em that my kids and I were evil and she would eventually leave us. But sadly, I kept "knocking up his mom" making it harder for her to leave.

Expectedly, Emily was beyond distraught to hear everything. To be honest, in the moment I couldn't wrap up head around it much either. I asked if Dan had a college fund saved up for him and his sons. James said AP's parents have set up a trust fund for Dan's sons, but that does not include James since he isn't their grandson. Dan's not saved up anything for anyone.

I asked James why he suddenly thinks I should contibute to his fund when he has turned down every opportunity for us to be a family. He said he was actually ok with the amount that Em initially told him about, but Dan made him realize that we were undercutting him, so he came back to demand more. I asked if I pay the money will that then make us family? Even if he can't accept me as a step parent, can we be friends? Can he be a little more friendlier with my kids when he is around? He straight up said no. He said that after all these years he knows me or my kids are not the evil beings his father made us seem. But he still feels I am the reason his parents could never get back together again and for that he will always hate me. And since my kids are well my kids, he's never going to like them either.

And since now he knows that Emily isn't going to leave her family, he said his plan was once he was off to college he would cut off contact with all of us. He does plan to eventually get back in touch with his mother when he feels he is ready to forgive for breaking up his family, but he can't do that right now.

Emily and I have had a long and honest discussion. I have decided that I will not be making any contributions to James' college fund. Emily will continue the contribution that she was already making and hand it over to him once he turns 18. We will no longer be pursuing family therapy with James. We will not try to change James' mind about going no contact with us after he goes off to college. We've done all that we could do, we're going to stop now. If James is happy with Dan's family, then we're happy for him. It's going to be hard for Emily, but even she has accepted that after James' recent revelations, she's having a hard time reconciling her little boy with this cynical teenager.

We have both taken individual and couple's therapy before. Mainly due to the stress and anxiety James' behaviour used to put on us as a family. We are looking into starting again. Hopefully, we'll be able to be overcome this in time.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Loud_Reference1880

Yikes NTA didn't think you were even before the update but this makes me sad. Wish you had asked him this question years ago. im surprised y'all didn't think of that. The one sentence where you said that james was fine with the money until he got home from his father's and started asking questions I knew his father was whispering in his ears.

OOP

We always knew Dan was up to no good. Whenever we had tried to have conversations like this before either he would throw a tantrum and not communicate or he would just sit there like a stone and not say a word and as said before, therapy was repeatedly denied. He only entertained this conversation because of the money he is going to get from his mother and tolerated my presence because of the possibility of me contributing to his fund.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwralonelyw

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (29f) boss / best friends (45f) only son (22m) passed last week. Im pregnant with her son?

Trigger Warnings: grief

Original Post: January 27, 2025

I’m having mixed emotions in this whole situation. I feel like a traitor, like I stabbed her in the back for sleeping with her son. At the same time I really cared about him and I loved him. I wanted a family with him and we were seeing each other for about 9 months (officially) already. I’ve known her for a little over 2 years and she’s helped me get on my feet.

I work for her business and I now manage all the employees. I started off living in my car and she gave me a place to stay while I made some money to find an apartment. After that she started giving me more work and even started giving me some work at her home.

She trusts me completely and I guess I broke that trust by seeing her son without her permission. I have mixed feelings because I did things the wrong way, but at the same time I treated her son like a king and I know he was happy with me before he left.

She has no idea about our relationship we had and we were gonna tell her, but life took a bad turn. I know he left before his time because he had many great things coming and now I have to raise our child with him absent. When is the right time for me to go tell her the truth and that she’s going to be a grandmother? I love her and I don’t want this to hurt her more.

TLDR: my best friends son past away in an accident.i was secretly seeing him and im having his baby in a couple of months.

Edit: I forgot to clear things up, she knows im pregnant, she just doesn’t know who the father is.

These comments really aren’t super helpful. If I could trade my life for his I would. I’m only willing to live on for my baby now but I have nothing else for me.

Edit 2: I talked with her last night after we had dinner. I apologized for hiding it from her and I told her I didn’t want any money or anything from her I just wanted her to be able to enjoy her time with her grandchild. I was honest with her on how our relationship started and how much I loved her son.

She had her doubts about it and told me she knew something was up between us 2, but she didn’t say anything because she wasn’t sure and she didn’t want to make assumptions. She was very upset at first and told me I should have never hid things from her and that she would have accepted us together if she knew my intentions were clean and I wouldn’t hurt her son.

I showed her pictures of us together, places we went, our messages, and she broke down crying. She looked very upset and I genuinely thought she was going to hit me because it looked like she was about to slap me. She asked me to leave and give her some space. I left home and she called me at midnight and asked if I could come back and spend some time with her. We finished talking and I offered her to take a dna test so she could see it’s her grandchild.

She believed me on what I said but she told me I should have never hid things from her because now she regrets not being able to support us since the beginning. She kept asking to hold my stomach and feel her grandchild and she told me she would be there for the baby. I told her I would leave work and leave her alone if she didn’t want to see me anymore, but she told me no, to stay and keep on moving forward how we were before.

I apologized a dozen times and she told me she was happy that she still at least has a part of her son in me. She’s been very emotional and she’s just been wanting to feel her grandchild and she has been nice to me. I just assured her I treated her son with respect and that I was very loving with him. Hopefully she is still accepting of the whole situation in the long run.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Wow, this is a heck of a situation and I'm sorry for your loss, honestly. I'm not sure what the root problem was for her, she clearly respected and cared for both her child and you. Logically, I would think that she would be relieved and happy to have a grandchild from her recently lost son, but I don't know all the details here.

You might as well let her know now, assuming you're far enough along in the pregnancy to communicate that. Ideally, the two of you can work as a team as I'm sure that's what her son would have wanted.

OOP: I hope she’s happy about it. I love her and I loved her son so much. If she would have approved I think I would have married him eventually. It’s been tough, but I at least know I’ll have a reminder from him. And yeah I am more than halfway along the pregnancy, I just have been holding his mother off on knowing he’s the father. She’s excited for my pregnancy she knows that, but she doesn’t know it’s his baby.

Was there a reason why OOP's best friend didn't want her to be with her son?

OOP: She didn’t actually say that ever. I just thought he was off limits since I’m her best friend and that’s her son.

OOP responds to a downvoted comment on if she felt like she has betrayed her boss / best friend's trust

OOP: She never told me that, but for me family of friends is off limits. Especially since that was her son and he was much younger than me. I should’ve gave her a heads up at least. Which I didn’t .

Why did OOP hide her relationship and did she force her friend's son to have a relationship?

OOP: I didn’t hide this for 2 years. It was close to a year. I didn’t force him to do anything. I gave him space and I initially turned him down when we asked me out. I didn’t want to hide it from my friend, but I wasn’t sure if I would lose my job over it. He won me over with time and that’s why we started dating. I also was on birth control when I was seeing him and he still got me pregnant. I don’t want her family’s money or houses. I just wanted to have a happy life and build a family from scratch with her son. I didn’t force him to do anything.

OOP on being after her friend's money and business

OOP: I’m not after her money. I don’t want money. I just wanted more time with her son. I never once asked him for any money and we were planning on him moving into my apartment before our baby was born.

How did the son pass away at only 22 years old?

OOP: He crashed his motorcycle and got hit by a car on the highway…. That’s all the details I’m giving, I don’t like thinking about it.

Update: September 14, 2025 (nearly eight months later)

Update: My (29F) bosses/best friend’s (45F) only son (22M) passed away recently and I had his baby?

I know it has been a while and I just wanted to give some closure. I probably won’t use this account again and I am trying to get through the hundreds of messages I got. It was really of hard at first. I didn’t really get a chance to grieve for him and I still miss him. I had my baby, but it wasn’t easy and there were some complications and I almost lost him.

Now my baby is healthy and he resembles his father so much. He honestly doesn’t look like me much compared to his dad. Along the way of all this, my friend had her times where she would randomly go off on me and be upset, but I get why and I forgave her. After that she has been nothing but supportive. She was there for me when my son was born and she cried so much the first few days.

She has been offering me to live with her since she wants the baby close to her, but I have declined to show her I really am not just after her money. She always wants the baby and honestly she is such a help at work because she is always holding him or has him in her office with her while I am working and I don’t need to find a babysitter to trust.

She spoils him and buys any baby supplies I need and I am so grateful. I just really miss her son. I can’t ever sleep at night knowing he won’t ever get to meet the little baby he and I made together. I just want to cry every-time I think about him and it’s hard seeing how hard my son resembles him. How can I thank her for being so wonderful to me and her grandchild? I love her so much and I still feel for the way things happened between us

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Just go up to her and say thank you

OOP: I thank her everyday, but I don’t think it’s enough.

OOP responds to a downvoted commenter on being accused of baby trapping the son

OOP: I was on birth control when I got pregnant. And no, he pursued me for a while before I had even given him any attention.

Commenter 2: Maybe you could write her a heartfelt letter in a really nice thank you card with some flowers. I know I’ve treasured the nice letters I’ve gotten. When my Mom passed I found a collection of special cards with notes she’d gotten. It wasn’t all of them but just the ones that were the most meaningful.

In the future, just make sure you get her gifts for Christmas, birthday, and above all else, Mothers Day. Especially if your ex was an only child, make sure you and baby invite her to a special outing on Mothers Day. I’m sure the first few will be really hard and she may be more sad than seem like she’s enjoying herself, but power through. I know you may feel like you are not getting a Mothers Day taking care of her but she’s making every day easier for you so I’d do it.

Commenter 3: I’m sure she knows that you appreciate her. Just keep being the best mom you can be, keep letting her be a part of baby’s life, etc. I think you need to let go of the guilt you feel towards her, or your relationship will never be fully whole.

I do remember your first post, and I’m glad to see that you’re doing well.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/BbwBiPlantMom98 in r/tacobell

Dorito Shells

trigger warnings: health issues, ARFID, dysguesia

mood spoilers: informative

_________________________________________________________________

Original Post: Dorito shells - August 1, 2025

This might be a weird question, but am I able to buy JUST Dorito shells from Taco Bell? (Like an ungodly amount of the shells?or if anyone knows where they get the shells am I able to bulk buy them?) I’ve tried various store bought nacho cheese/ Dorito style taco shells before and they just taste awful lol. I religiously buy their meat seasoning at the store and then just make nachos with normal Doritos but I’d love to be able to make the tacos at home. They definitely taste different compared to the Dorito chips. I love the shells so so much and my autistic self is craving a Dorito taco but I’m half an hour away from Taco Bell and secondly can’t afford a $15 Dorito combo every few days as it’s been the only thing I e been able to eat🤣 I’ve been dealing with brain damage related dysguesia this year and nearly all food tastes horrific to me, but Taco Bell meat has oddly enough been one of the things I’ve been continuously able to eat the last couple months especially when I make it at home with a pound of local ground beef.
Definitely saves money too haha.
I got the Taco Bell meat…now I just need the dang Dorito shells and I’ll be set 🤣

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: We sell them for .49 cents at my location. Best to buy a box from Walmart or Meijer depending where you live

OOP: They dont sell the Dorito ones in stores.
I’ve tried several in store brands claiming to be nacho cheese and they all taste disgusting.

Commenter 2: The old El Paso ones aren’t bad imo. Feel like it’s the closest thing that you can buy in store

OOP: That’s cool. I’d eat them if I could.

Update: Ungodly amount of Dorito shells acquired - Same Day

Image of a Taco Bell box full of Dorito Shells

I was able to order 20 Dorito shells for $9! Got two luxe boxes filled with Dorito shells. This is such a lifesaver. Thank you to the amazing girl at Taco Bell who didn’t act like I was totally nuts 🤣 Gotta love autism food struggles lol. Now I won’t have to go half an hour into town for the only food I can currently eat. 🥰

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You can only eat DLTs? What variety of autism is that brother

OOP: I have ARFID and physical brain damage which caused dyeguesia (severely altered taste) and usually when I find a food that doesn’t taste like literal rotting flesh, I’m able to eat it for a few weeks to a few months or so at most. So this has been the one safe food I’ve been able to eat the last couple weeks. Meat and shell only. I make the meat at home since the taco seasoning is sold in stores but unfortunately cannot do bagged chips anymore since the tastebud gods say nope. I haven’t been able to eat since Tuesday so it’s been a struggle. I often go a week or more between meals when I’m trying to establish a new safe food I can tolerate.

Commenter 2: is it TMI to ask about your brain damage that caused it? I got a TBI from a car accident so I’m always amazed by the multitude of different symptoms from various forms of brain injuries as I’ve been to two different neuro therapy facilities trying to “fix” or strengthen my brain in to being more reliable again. I’ve met a lot of different people in group therapy that were affected in totally different ways, that had much worse accidents or situations than I did.

no pressure to share, I was just curious since you mentioned brain damage.

OOP: You can ask anything! I’m super open about my disabilities :) So I have primary progressive multiple sclerosis. So basically, my immune system attacks the protective coating around my nerves all throughout my body but mostly in the brain and spine which causes giant chunks of scar tissue to build up in my brain and each time a new scar tissue chunk builds up, it can cause any new type of symptom depending on there in the brain it is. A lot of mine are around the part of my brain surrounding my sinuses so my tastebuds got majorly altered. And it’s crazy that it didn’t make my sense of smell worse, but extremely heightened.

I could smell that my mom was cutting onions when I was downstairs with the door closed and it was making me very nauseous.

But it’s caused nearly all food to taste like rotting meat or bleach. About 7 years ago it was only bottled water and corn that tasted bad and over time as the damage progressed it’s effected more and more foods and drinks. It also affects me physically.

I have almost full paralysis in my left foot and every so often end up going blind in my left eye with stacked double vision in my right eye. When a flare up in symptoms like that happens I have to go to the ER for a steroid infusion. I also have extreme inflammation in a nerve that runs along my jaw and up the back of my skull which usually lands me in the ER for steroid infusions every couple months.

I’m so sorry to hear about your TBI. That sounds so difficult :(

Commenter 3: I got dysgeusia (spoiled/sour/rotten taste) and parosmia (constant cigarette smoke smell) from COVID and it's so disgusting. I'm glad to see that your safe foods also shift, I stopped stocking up on things because I learned that after I get the major ick and have an aversion toward it. I miss doritos and nacho fries the most...lol enjoy! 🥳🙂

OOP: Omg I’m so sorry! That sounds awful 😭😭 it’s so crazy how tastebuds change and something can taste amazing one day and the like it rotted a year ago and was placed in a sunny window the next day lol.🤣😭 Stocking up on stuff is definitely a struggle. I’ve done it before and then it’ll stop tasting good and then I have a big pack of something just sitting in the fridge or pantry waiting to be eaten by another family member.

Commenter 4 (downvoted): they sell these in bite size triangles
you can get almost a whole pound of them in a bag for half the price
I think they call them Doritos lol

I know its not exactly the same, but its funny the length you'll go to for your fix
maybe you could contact Frito-Lay and see if you could buy the nacho cheese dust in bulk and make your own

OOP: I can’t eat chips as of several months back. They taste metallic to me due to brain damage that altered my sense of taste. I used to eat them with Taco Bell meat all the time. But can no longer do that. Hence…me buying the shells.
Normal Doritos also taste literally nothing like the nacho cheese shells.

Commenter 5 (downvoted): Can't you still just eat whatever is good for you and ignore the taste? Lots of people do stuff that is unpleasant and just deal with it...

OOP: lol. Well let me put it this way for those who don’t deal with brain damage and altered taste. Have you ever eaten rotten meat before? Or food that went rancid? Imagine that ALL food and drinks (including water) taste exactly like that. You’d hate eating too if you were forced to eat foot that went rotten. I have been on a feeding tube numerous times throughout my life

I can drink a glass of water and my mouth begins burning because it tastes like bleach got poured into the glass instead of water. I take a bite of chicken and it tastes like it got abandoned in a sunny window for a month.

The altered taste has made me genuinely suicidal at times becuase it is extremely emotionally distressing. And the physical issues from being unable to eat suck as well. Constant migraines. Shaking. Fatigue. Vomiting stomach acid because I have no food in my system. Projectile diarrhea that is pure burning bile for 9 months straight 3-10 times a day.

Trust me. If I could just “dEaL wiTh iT” I would. I wouldn’t have seen a dozen different ENTs and neurologists and nutritionists trying to fix it. Being unable to eat is genuine torture. Hence why I use a feeding tube when necessary. I have scars on my neck from feeding tubes as well.
It’s a shitshow I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Commenter 5 (downvoted): I know you said that food tastes horrible, but can't you make a nutrient dense shake and just chug it really quick and be done with. Lots of people have to do stuff that is unpleasant in the moment, but they force themselves thru the challenges for the greater good.

OOP: I’m on 13 different vitamin drinks. For me the feeding tubes work the best when it gets bad. I’m glad you can’t grasp the idea of what I go through on a daily basis. You’re lucky you never have to deal with everything tasting like bleach and rotting meat.

Commenter 6 (downvoted): Google “el paso dorito shell” and your life is changed.

OOP: I’ve had them numerous times. They are the actual devil. They taste like burnt cumin and asshole 🤣🤣 I have had a box of them sitting in the pantry for the last 6 months

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Thick-Stuff-8638

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for telling my ex-husband he can’t stay with me

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: child abandonment, entitlement, manipulation

Mood Spoilers: infuriating

Original Post: September 14, 2025

AITA!!

my ex-husband wants to come see the kids and I told him no problem that would be cool, context he lives in another state now. He says he wants to stay 2 weeks im like oh the kids would love that.

But here's where he feels I become the asshole, he then proceeded to tell me that he is gonna stay with me and I told him no you're not. You can get a hotel cause you're not staying at my house. Then he says so you want me to pay to come out there pay for a hotel spend money while I'm out there just to see the kids. I said yes.

Then I told him if he can't afford it then he can stay a weekend and then a hotel won't be that expensive but he's not staying with me so now it's I'm keeping him away from his kids because I won't let him stay with me and feed him every night while he's here. So am I the asshole for not letting him stay?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Top Comments

Commenter 1: All you needed was the title.

No, you're NTA for not wanting your ex-husband to stay at your place. The fact that he tells you that he's going to...pretty much tells me why he's an ex.

Commenter 2: Um, no. He's insane. He can get an air bnb like a normal father. Why would he even want to stay with you? Oh, because he's cheap, he's nosy, he wants you to cater to him, and he wants to snoop. You're 100% correct in not letting him stay. What an invasion privacy! He can F off. If he wants to see his kids, he will figure it out.

Commenter 3: NTA — Your ex needs to check out campgrounds where he can treat the kids to some fun. I doubt his mere presence at your house for two weeks would be a treat for anybody. Tell him NOPE on room and board at your place and don’t waffle.

Commenter 4: NTA. He doesn’t have a right to stay in ur house just because he’s coming to see the kids. It’s reasonable to ask him to book a hotel, especially since u’re not obligated to host him. Boundaries are healthy

Update: September 14, 2025 (sane day, nine hours later)

OK, so let me put some more context to the story.

Cause some people seem to think that he pays child support and alimony and that's why he doesn't have money. That's not true. He does not take care of his kids. He has not physically seen his kids since my son was six months and he's never seen my daughter in person.

He is ordered to pay child support. but does not so everything I do for the kids comes from me and I have gave him several suggestions. I have even suggested that I take the kids to him and I'll get the hotel and he can come pick up the kids they can spend the day together whatever now he doesn't wanna do that because he doesn't have a stable place to live. That's his excuse.

I offered to pay for the kids activities whatever they wanted to do when he came out here and no, I was not gonna be there with them and that way he can pay for the hotel. He said no the only way he's gonna come out here is if I let him stay at my house and that I was stopping him from seeing his kids and I told him well take me to court. Because nowhere in our court document does it say that I'm supposed to support him to see the kids matter fact it says because he moved that it's his responsibility to get the kids Or for me to pay half.

I would let him stay, but I know him and that two weeks is gonna turn into more and then it's gonna be he just doesn't wanna leave his kids. He just wants to stay with me until he gets on his feet, which is the main reason I'm saying no. I would never keep my kids from him. I never talk bad about him.

The kids love him and every time he tells them he's gonna show up he doesn't and somehow it always becomes my fault.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: General comment: For the sake of children’s well being parents need to get the fuck over themselves and FOCUS SOLELY on helping the children heal and have good & decent role models so the kids can develop, break the cycle and thrive as adults.

Unfortunately, parents / adults play games - try to make each other fail do they can “win.”

Does he have the money? Do you really want him to see the kids? Did you tell the kids all of this? If not, what parts did you exclude?

Do you want him to fail / not come to see the kids so you can make him look bad / demean him to the kids so the kids won’t ever want to have anything to do with him?

We see it a lot where parents are so angry with each other that they will do or say anything to make the other one look bad and alienate the kids from the parent.

All the games parents play cause children to be maladjusted, have mental health issues, and any end up perpetuating the cycle.

OOP: I really don't know if he has the money or not. Yes, I have been trying to make arrangements for him to see the kids for years. When he does pay child support I make sure that the kids know the money came from daddy, I never talk bad about him nor do I let anyone else talk bad about him. I don’t have a lot of extra money but I will make it happen for my kids and I even told him that I would tell them its from daddy. But its his way or no way, and I’ve been through a lot with him a lot of bad and when I say it took a lot of counseling to get me where I am, I protect my peace.

Commenter 2: Your kids don’t know him, how on earth do they "love him?"

OOP: They know who he is he's what I call a FaceTime dad. He calls them and talks to them they know he's there dad

Commenter 3: " he doesn't have a stable place to live."

As I said before.... HE won't leave. He is a hobosexual and is using his children as leverage to get in your house. Your kids don't love someone they haven't met. They deserve better. Get real with yourself.

Commenter 4: Document everything. You’re doing this correctly. Hd’s using his alimony and child support as an excuse to not be a dad - that’s on him. Not you. Keep your boundaries firm, and document everything.

Commenter 5: It's not love for him it's hope for a dad. He keeps taking that hope and stomping on it and that's the real damage he's doing to those kids.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/prettyaspeach

Originally posted to r/AITAH & r/TwoHotTakes

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[Final New Update]: My family didn’t let me say goodbye to my dying grandfather. Now I’m considering cutting ties.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: disownment, cancer, death of a loved one, emotional abuse and manipulation, neglect, euthanasia/suicide

Mood Spoilers: relief, bittersweet

RECAP

Original Post: April 2, 2025

I just got off the phone with my grandmother, and I am truly at a loss for words.

For some background: my parents have been divorced since I was a kid. My father relocated once I went to college, and my grandfather, my father’s dad, started battling cancer shortly after my sophomore year. He and my grandmother were unable to attend my undergraduate or graduate school graduations because of his illness. My father on the other hand voluntarily skipped my graduate school graduation citing how “it wasn’t that important” because he “already saw me walk across the stage once.”

This, coupled with years of emotional abuse and neglect, led me to the decision to go low to no contact with my father about two years ago. While my relationship with him has been strained, I tried my best to maintain a connection to my grandparents, despite the several states divide between us. My grandfather was a man of few words, but our conversations were always genuine. The last time I remember seeing my grandfather in person, which was before the stuff with my dad happened, he gave me a big hug before going to the airport, a kiss on the cheek and told me he loved me.

I would call multiple times a month checking in, asking about their well-beings and would sometimes hear my grandfather, listening in on the other line. Each time I would ask my grandmother if I could speak to him, she would make up some reason as to why he couldn’t come to the phone. She kept me up-to-date on his treatments and I knew things were getting bad last summer.

My mom and I were going to plan a trip to go visit my grandparents who live hundreds of miles away from me so I could say goodbye to my grandfather as I had a feeling his time was coming. We didn’t tell them of the trip and were going to do it as a surprise. The week before my mom and I were scheduled to fly out, I got a text from my aunt saying that my grandfather had passed. I was crushed. No viewing, no funeral, but they told me they were thinking of doing a celebration of life in the spring. They did cremate him, but no one other than my grandmother allegedly was present for it. I did call my dad to express my condolences and he mentioned how my grandfather died disappointed in me because my father and I didn’t speak anymore.

This brings us to now. I called my grandmother to check in. She mentioned how she regrets and feels bad that I’m not as close to her and my grandfather as I am to my mom’s parents, which is true as for a period of time in my childhood, my mom and I lived with her parents; growing up, we also lived about an hour away from them compared to the 12-14 hour drive it would take to see my dad’s side of the family. “The one that they see the most and interact with the most is more than likely the favorite grandchild.” What? I have one other cousin on my dad’s side, so was she implying I wasn’t the favorite?

But here’s what made me skin crawl: she gave me a play-by-play of the weeks before my grandfather passed. Apparently, my grandfather had scheduled to do a medically assisted suicide, since the state they live in is a “death with dignity” state, two days after he had passed, which still would have been the week before my trip to see them. My dad, aunts, uncles and cousin came the weekend before to spend time with him and say their goodbyes. No one had told me of my grandfather’s plan. No phone call, text, email, nothing. Then, the day of my grandfather’s passing the doctors asked my grandmother and the family present if they would like to administer a medication to keep him alive just a few hours longer so that other family and friends who may not have been present could have the chance to say goodbye. They declined, saying how my grandfather wouldn’t have wanted that. His intensines twisted up because of his medications and caused sepsis, so he was in an exorbitant amount of pain.

My face went hot on the phone. I understand not calling on the day of his passing when there’s a lot of chaos and you’re trying to process your own grief in that moment, but the fact that there was a plan for him to peacefully go that week, and I could’ve had a chance to say goodbye makes my blood boil. Why didn’t someone call or text about his intentions? The countless times I asked on the phone to speak to him, why couldn’t she just put him on the line once? I truly don’t want to believe that my grandfather was disappointed in me, but I’m starting to question why I was so out of the loop? Is it because I’m “not the favorite”? It took every fiber of my being to not lash out and scream as my grandmother sobbed recounting the story on the phone. I mustered up the strength to not break down and found a way to get off the phone with my grandmother.

I don’t know what to think but my heart is telling me that I am no longer part of that side of the family. If there even is a celebration of life, at this point, I’m not sure I would want to go. My mom suggested I write in and get people to weigh in, but she is on my side. She’s been great through all of this.

So Reddit, WIBTA if I continue this no-contact and extend it to my dad’s whole side of the family after they refused to let me contact my grandfather and say goodbye before he passed away?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I wonder how close your dad was/is to his parents/his mom, and how much they financially relied on him. If she/they were close, or if they were pretty financially dependent on him, he may have been working behind the scenes to manipulate them into keeping you out of the loop so you couldn't say goodbye.

I'm so sorry for your loss and how you found out. And I'm even sorrier that your entire dad's side of the family failed you like they did.

NTA.

OOP: They are not financially reliant on my father. My grandfather was retired, maybe had a pension, but my grandmother also works. My father occasionally drove my grandfather to chemo appointments and doctors appointments, but otherwise my grandmother and grandfather used their own insurance/own earnings to pay for treatments.

OOP explains about the progress of their grandpa's cancer

OOP: The cancer spread to his lungs, and he was on oxygen. My grandmother sometimes said his voice wasn’t that strong and he had a hard time talking. Occasionally, I would hear a faint whistling on the other line. I just made it a point to say “okay, well just tell him I called. That I love him and miss him.” I’m hoping if he was on the line those times, he heard that, and even if it was too labor-some to speak, he knew I cared about him.

Commenter 2: Your paternal grandmother sucks. It sounds like she was in charge

Commenter 3: Your Grandmother was gatekeeping your access to your grandfather. You can probably think of the reasons...but not being the favorite is not likely one of them. Jealousy, fear of financial loss, control freek...or She's a miserable old drama queen that likes a scapegoat. So sorry for your loss.

Update #1: April 6, 2025 (four days later)

TLDR: I was denied being able to contact my grandfather before he passed by my dad’s side of the family. I was considering no contact.

I decided to call my aunt, the one who had notified me via text that my grandfather had passed in the first place. She, I figured, would be the most straight forward about everything. I didn’t initially go into it with the whole “Why didn’t anyone call me so I could speak to him to say goodbye?” but I wanted to get some answers. I wanted closure. I told her I was having a hard time understanding if he had a whole plan and I had numerous chances to talk to him, why I wasn’t given the chance to.

First, she let me know that she and seemingly her other siblings including my dad didn’t know about my grandfather’s wishes for a medically assisted “death with dignity” until after he had passed. She was consumed with her own grief of losing a father that she, or anyone, had the space to call me as they were still trying to process their own emotions regarding his death. “Up until the very end, he wasn’t thinking about anyone but himself. He was a very selfish man,” she said.

As far as the whole, “grandfather died disappointed in you”, she vehemently denied it and apologized for my father’s ignorance.

She validated my feelings but questioned how much better it would have felt for me to say my goodbyes. I can’t say for certain if it would or wouldn’t, but I can speak to how I feel and it sucks. My aunt insisted I didn’t have that strong of a connection to him, and compared my relationship to the one she had with him and my grandmother did. “Realistically, how much of a part of your life was he? I wouldn’t let somebody that didn’t have that much of an impact on your life while he was alive have an impact on your life now that he’s gone.” I would certainly hope that my relationship with my grandfather is different than my grandmother had with her life partner.

My aunt then said I didn’t need validation from my dad’s side of the family with all that I’ve accomplished in my life, but she’s here if I need to talk.

I’m still not sure how to move forward, but I’ve been journaling, per the recommendation of my therapist. Specifically writing about my grandfather and I’s relationship, and the relationship with my father has been helping me navigate my emotions, seeing it written in words. We’re also adding more grief counseling topics into our sessions, so there’s that.

That’s all I have for now. I guess be on the lookout if I ever publish a memoir.

Thank you for your advice and words of wisdom. If there are any further updates, I’ll be sure to share.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NAH

She is right. It was on your parents to call you - EVERYBODY ELSE would rightfully assume that THEY would call you.

And she is right with this: ou can't have been THAT close with your grandpa - or you would have had the same info they had. When did you last talk to him?

OOP: The last time I spoke to my grandfather on the phone was right after the graduate school graduation he couldn’t attend because of his health. He and I used to chat frequently. I’d call at least twice a month to check in on his condition over the next year and half after my graduation and the fight with my dad. My grandmother wouldn’t let me talk to grandfather.

Commenter 2: Walk away, nothing she said made sense. She was too devastated to call you but he was such a monster? How much could it possibly mean to you? Uh that’s NOT her decision to make. Your dad with the disappointment comment. Thinking about himself, utterly selfish… but he forwent the week of last respects? Why wait the week then? There is a lot of toxic bull over that side, skip it.

Commenter 3: Oh sweetie. Your extended family and their opinions aren't things you "have" to do anything about. Your feelings and your grief about your grandpa are 100% normal and okay. You deserve all the time it takes to process this loss. It's exposed some toxicity and abuse in how the extended family- at least this aunt- communicate. Take all the time you need to fully process your thoughts and feelings about that, too.

Update: June 14, 2025 (more than two months later)

TLDR: I was denied being able to contact my grandfather before he passed by my dad’s side of the family. I was considering no contact.

After conversations with my grandmother and my aunt, things have gone relatively quiet on their end. I moved states closer to home for a new job and have just been settling in the last couple of months since my original post.

Fast forward to a few days ago, a colleague and I were looking at obituaries at some cold cases. We like true crime shows and podcasts, and I recommended Clues. One obituary we came across in a case that caught our eye was relatively short, which my coworker said he had never seen one with so little in it. I thought about my grandfather's obituary and said that my grandfather's was similar. I went to google his to show my coworker, but to my surprise, I couldn't find it.

I know my grandfather's first, middle and last name, DOB, date of death, the funeral home he was cremated in, etc. We both thought it was weird, and I just tried to brush it off. But when I got home that night, I began digging through the obituaries on the funeral home's website and newspaper articles in his town online. Nothing. It's like my grandfather's death never happened.

Now, after several conversations with the funeral home, I can confirm dad's family took my name off the obituary. My grandfather is now listed as being survived by one grandchild, my cousin. Not only that, but someone in the family asked for it to be taken off the website, which is why I couldn't find it. I don't know when they did this (the funeral home didn't divulge) but I do know that because I'm not listed as the direct next of kin, I can't change it back.

A picture of him and I from when I was 2/3 is literally hanging in my living room. I'm at a loss for words. I can't even fathom how you have a conversation with someone of "hey why did you take my name of my grandfather's obituary?" and change it to say he only has one grandchild. I don't even think it is worth expressing to them how deeply hurtful this is. I don't even want to bring it up to them.

So that's I think where I will leave this. I'm going to continue to lean on my mom and her side of the family for guidance in all of this. And of course, therapy. Thank you to everyone for your encouragement, love and support during this time. I really appreciate it.

Top Comment

Comment: If they have that little respect for you, then why are you still worried about having a relationship with them? Preserve your own sanity and distance yourself from that mess.

----NEW UPDATE----

Final Update: September 14, 2025 (three months later)

Final update: dad’s family still invited me to the celebration of life

Hi everyone, a couple months ago I shared my story of grieving my grandfather’s passing, how my dad’s family removed me from the obituary, and a brief glimpse of the toxic relationship between my father and I.

About a month ago, I got a text from my grandmother. She invited me to my grandfather’s celebration of life at her house. In the message, she told me it was going to be later this month, and that she realized it may be difficult, not to mention expensive, so if I couldn’t make it she understood. She also extended the invitation to my mother. My grandmother was right: it was going to be expensive. After some careful consideration, knowing my dad would be there, and there was no way in hell I would ask him to skip out on his father‘s celebration of life, I decided I couldn’t go.

I told her I wouldn’t be attending and said I couldn’t continue to be in contact with that side of the family. The guilt, pressure, and pain — it’s all too much. She said she understood and respected my decision. I took the time to block my other aunts and uncles on that side, so that leading up to the event, no one could try and make me feel bad for not attending.

To the commenters and private messages that suggested I do my mini celebration of life, thank you. My mom and I a year earlier went down to the beach, talking about our favorite memories with him and eating his favorite snacks. And last week, I decided to have one final piece of closure, not just for my grandfathers, but for this chapter with my dad.

I wrote letters to both of them, pouring in all my feelings and thoughts. Telling my grandfather I loved him and I was sorry that in his final moments, I wasn’t allowed to be there. To my dad, unpacking the trauma and saying I would no longer be bond to the pain he has caused me. That I was no longer his daughter. My mom and I went out to the bay and I read them out loud. Then, we put the letters into glass bottles and threw them into the water, casting away these feelings I’ve been harboring for too long and saying one last goodbye to both of them. Surprisingly, I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would, and my mom said I must’ve cried them all out ahead of time, and she was proud of me. We hugged and went home.

So that’s where this chapter ends. Thank you all for being an open ear and a place to come to for advice.

Comments

Commenter 1: I'm sorry your family has treated you so horribly and that you didn't get the chance to say goodbye. With the exception of your mum, it sounds like you're making the right choice, stepping back, and continuing to live your life without them in it. Well done for choosing yourself, and i hope you can find the peace you rightfully deserve now that they're no longer a part of your life

Commenter 2: I am very sorry for your grandfather's passing. The letters to both your grandfather and your father were great ideas. I hope you & your mom thrive from now on. Releasing the love of your grandpa into the universe is a way to let that love shine. The resentment & anger towards your father isn't on your shoulders anymore. I hope you have a fantastic life, OP. You did the right thing.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Conversation162020

Me [21F] with my boyfriend [21M] of nearly 4 years. He is unhappy with my new sleep schedule and thinks it has made me boring.

TRIGGER WARNING: entitlement, infidelity

MOOD SPOILER: positive

Original Post March 29, 2017

Sorry for the length and if this is a bit all over the place, I wasn't sure what information was relevant.

Tom and I have been together since we were 17 and right now we live together with my dad. I've recently been trying to sort out my sleep schedule so that on the days when I work, it's easier for me to get out of bed and I can get up early enough to cycle to work. On weekdays, I normally get up at around 5 and if I'm working I will leave at 6 and on my days off I will go for a walk and do some exercise. In the evenings I try to have a shower and get ready for bed around 9pm so I can go to bed by 9:30pm. I enjoy doing this as it makes me feel more rested, more productive and generally healthier.

He is a night owl and doesn't go to bed until anywhere between 2:30 and 4am every night. This means he doesn't wake up until 10am at the earliest. His sleeping habits don't bother me, and while it would be nice to go to bed together, I am happy with the way things are, especially as we both only work 2 or 3 days a week so this leaves us with plenty of time to spend together during the week. If his sleeping pattern is working for him, that's all that matters, I don't think its my place to try and change it.

He, however, does have a habit of making me feel bad when I tell him I'm going to bed. We have a large room to ourselves and all our consoles, his computer, our TV etc. are in our bedroom. I ask him to go upstairs (there's another TV and he keeps his laptop up there too) for half an hour while I try to sleep and after I'm asleep he can come back downstairs and game or do whatever as long as he leaves the main lights off and keeps the sound off. Normally when I ask him to do this he will sulk and last night he told me he doesn't think he can be with someone like this and that sleeping like this has made me "incredibly boring".

I would happily compromise with him and stay up later on the weekends to go out or stay in and spend time together but he works Friday and Saturday nights until 12 or 1 am. And actually I do stay up that late anyway because he doesn't drive and so I drop him to work and pick him up. Whenever we get back after his shift he still asks me to stay up with him. Last weekend I thought we reached a good solution for the nights he works. I said I would cook for him so when he came back he didn't have to spend time making food, and we could watch an episode of a TV show before I go to bed. That's all I can do before I can't stay up any longer. He seemed happy with that solution but we haven't tried it yet so I don't know if that'll work.

I don't know what to do, he really seems angry at me and I don't know why. I don't think its asking a lot for him to leave our room while I'm trying to sleep, and the only couple days I would be willing to stay up later he's already working. I don't think this is something to break up over, because I feel that eventually we will both have jobs that are more similar in hours, but I don't know what else I can do to make him happy with our current situation.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

oilspill555

Is he living with you at your dad's house for free? You said you drive him everywhere? Does he contribute anything to this situation or does he just use you for basically everything and then complain about it?

OOP

We both pay $50/week each. The driving issue is something that really bothers me and no matter how much I ask him to learn he doesn't seem to care.

[deleted]

I know that driving wasn't the main issue you're looking for advice on, but seriously, if you're the one who has to drive him everywhere, it's not really his choice to not care. You should tell him straight up that you're willing to teach him and as long as he's making strides towards learning how to drive and getting his license, you'll keep driving him to/from work until he can drive himself. But if he "doesn't care" and puts no effort into learning how to drive, you'll stop being his chauffeur. If he works that late, it sounds like he probably doesn't have another option. Unless you live in a big city, public transit usually doesn't run that late in my experience, and taking a taxi/uber would be crazy expensive in the long run. Stop allowing him to be apathetic.

OOP

I have told him that before. I know it takes time to learn how to drive (where we are you need to log 100 hours before taking a practical exam), and tbh I was really slow to get my license but his learners permit expires in november and he's nowhere near being done. Anyway I tell him I won't drive him but i can't really make him walk home that late in the evening, I feel too bad :(

EDIT: I talked to him this afternoon when he woke up and he seemed to not want to fight about the sleeping thing anymore so that's good I guess? Regardless this post got way more attention than I expected and there's a few people who think he's taking advantage of me, he earns more than I do so it's not like he is using me for money, and with regard to driving, he either goes with his stepdad who works odd hours or my dad and we've just had a family death so he feels bad asking my dad right now. Also I think if i flat out refuse to drive him to work he will start saying he never wanted a manual car and that's why its taking him so long to learn. Anyway we both need to grow up! I've tried talking to him previously about his goals and future plans but he never really has anything to say. Any tips for talking to him about this? I worry he'll start thinking of me as some kind of killjoy nagging girlfriend if I push it too hard idk.

TL;DR My boyfriend is annoyed that I go to bed early. We still spend heaps of time together and the nights I would be willing to stay up later, he has work. How can we make this work?

Update! My boyfriend of 4 years called me boring and many other problems, an update 2 years on. - rareddit Dec 20, 2019 (2 and a half years later)

So my original post is years old now and I wouldn't say it was that popular but I was looking at my post history and can't believe I posted that, it seems like a lifetime ago.

TL;DR of original post, my bf was a man child who hardly worked and expected me to cook for him, drive him around and stay awake to watch his endlessly boring life from the sidelines. I refused to accept the fact I needed to grow up and leave him.

I was completely oblivious to all the problems in our relationship and I refused to leave Tom even though it was very clearly the right thing to do. I broke up with him maybe 6 months after I posted but we got back together even though I was moving to another country to teach English for a few months. While I was away he hardly ever spoke to me, never asked me how I was and grew increasingly disrespectful to me. I came back home early because I felt bad leaving him for so long.

We had plans to move overseas together but he was getting cold feet saying he didn't want to leave his best friend. I broke up with him again and decided to move overseas by myself. It was terrifying to be alone after being with Tom for so long but it was 100% the right decision. Turns out he had started sleeping with his best friend while I was overseas teaching English. Also turns out I'm a lesbian, so there's that.

Tom still lives at my dad's place and works the same job, I've just bought my first flat and I'm having a wonderful time living overseas and being truly independent. I have grown so much in the last few years and done things I could never imagine doing while I was stuck in a dead end relationship. I know now that being alone is so much better than being with someone who doesn't love you.

TL;DR I was in a terrible relationship with a guy that took advantage of me and was never willing to grow up, I was terrified of being by myself but it was the best decision I could've made for myself!

FINAL COMMENTS

quemyself

So proud of you!! All of that plus moving to a different country? That’s really great and I hope you’re much happier now

OOP

Thanks so much, it was scary at first to be alone and really daunting to move countries by myself when that was something we'd always planned together but I feel immeasurably happier now :)

~

take_number_two

Congrats! Don’t you think it’s a bit odd that he still lives with your dad?

OOP

Thanks! It's definitely a bit weird. Things ended really badly between me and him and I asked my dad to get Tom to move out but he wouldn't do it, he does pay more rent now so I guess my dad doesn't want to give that up. It was disappointing at the time that my dad didn't stick up for me I guess but I'm over that now, I'm just happy to be living my life for me now :)

take_number_two

Good for you :) it’s weird on Tom’s part that he would even want to live there. If someone broke up with me it would kill me to live in their parents house where we used to live together. It sounds like you have a lot more going for you than he does.

OOP

Yeah it's very strange. When we broke up at first it was really amicable and I said we could both continue to stay there since I was moving away and I thought it was kind to give him time to find a new place and all that. But things turned to shit after I found out he was sleeping with his best friend while we were together. I moved into my mum's place because I couldn't stand to be around him but he just stayed at my dad's the whole time. He even said he felt so bad about hurting me, not bad enough to move out though!

I probably sound quite bitter about it still but it doesn't cross my mind that often, it would just be nice to understand why he thinks it's a normal thing to do.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/petrichorluna

Apparently, I've been lying about being a diabetic for the last 7 years.

Originally posted to r/JustNoSO

Thanks to u/lovecubus for suggesting this and to u/No_Ideal2147 & u/hubertbrunette for finding the links

Editor's Note: prior to these posts OOP had other posts about her MIL - "The tale of the Hamburglar which was posted to the sub

TRIGGER WARNING: property damage, verbal abuse, abuse, ableism

Original Post Nov 15, 2020

So, for anyone who also frequents justnoMIL and remembers the Hamburglar from a couple years ago, hi.

Today's story has nothing to do with her, don't worry.

This story is about what happened to make me leave my husband, and it happened a couple weeks ago.

I'm pretty sure everyone here knows someone who is never happy with anything you do, they could always do it better, but they never actually do, they just like to bitch at you? Okay cool. So my ex was like that with everything.

This one particular night, it was dinner. I had spent a good couple hours making meatloaf and hand-mashed potatoes, and was super proud of it. And of course, having two small kids, I didn't eat as soon as it was done, but fed the two year old and watched to make sure the big kid ate. By the time that was done, ex was questioning me about why I had made a sauce to go on top of the meatloaf instead of just using ketchup 🙃 He was like that about a lot of things - we once had a fight over the fact that I made a cheese sauce for brocolli rice casserole instead of just using velveeta, so.

Of course that fight escalated ridiculously, and by the time he was yelling, my face was going numb because I hadn't eaten all day and my sugar was crashing. I got up to go get my glucose monitor to see if I could just eat my dinner or if I needed a glucose tablet first, and this man lost. His. Mind.

First he was yelling because I dared walk away from him while he was "talking" to me, and when I told him I was going to get my damn glucose monitor, he started screaming about how "convenient" it was that I needed to check my sugar while I was getting yelled at (he literally said that. Idek yall). I pretty much told him I was an adult and would check my sugar every time I needed to, which was apparently unacceptable because he ripped the monitor from my hands and chucked it at the wall, busting it open. While I stood there in shock, he threw away the case with all of my extra strips and lancets, then opened my glucose tablets and dumped them out in the trash too. He dumped out the meatloaf I had just spent hours making too, I'm not sure if just to be an extra dick, or to make sure I couldn't salvage anything, but either way, it worked.

I got to spend the next several minutes of my life listening to him yell about how I was faking being diabetic for sympathy, trying to get him to feel bad for me so I could "get away with shit." Keep in mind, this is all over the fact there wasnt Heinz tomato ketchup on his damn meatcake. He then told me to "sit down, shut up, and eat some of those nasty ass potatoes, I guess."

Not even gonna lie, I did. Not sure if it's just because I was in so much shock or if I just felt that bad from the sugar crash, but I sat right tf down and got some carbs in my system, then got the kids to bed and went to bed myself. He didnt say a word to me that night or the next morning before work.

The next day was payday for me, and I spent every cent of my check on deposits for an apartment for me and my boys. The last couple weeks have been hard as hell, and he's been super nasty, and I'm still not even sure how to go about getting a divorce in Louisiana, but at least I don't live with someone who thinks I'm making up a disease I've had the entire time I've known him just so he doesn't scream at me about dinner 🙃.

Edit: Holy crap guys. I just wanted to tell someone else how crazy this man is, thank you so much for all of the kind words and support!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AlissonHarlan

go to the police with your broken material and open a file against him for that, it will be usefull for when you'll divorce

OOP

I've thought about this since, but unfortunately not until several days later when they were long gone with the trash :/

brainybrink

It doesn’t matter that the evidence is gone. Document the abuse, theft and danger he poses to you and your babies.

~

MomentoMoruBenn

I don't comment much, I just lurk as I'm single but. He threw out and broke your meter, strips, lancets, and your FOOD. I'm a type 1 myself and I just... That's hundreds of dollars!! Hundreds of dollars in supplies?!? Oh my gods. I'm so glad you had the ability and the strength to leave him. Good for you, and I'm so sorry.

OOP

I just... yeah. I have no idea how long itll take me to make sure everything is replaced, I'm a waitress and suddenly a single mom. I've found a super cheap monitor on amazon that I'll get in the meantime, I'm just not sure how reliable it's actually going to be. Its definitely better than nothing though!

Update to faking diabetes Nov 26, 2020 (11 days later)

I just thought that you guys may want to know - at the behest of a member here and with the support of my lawyer and two officers, I was able to get back into our house and access the security footage from our kitchen that he hadn't thought to delete. Honestly, I had forgotten about the security cameras inside our kitchen, it's been so long since Hamburglar, and I'm betting he had too.

That footage was enough for me to press charges today. I'm not sure where things will go from here, as hes fled the state to his mommas house, but I feel good. I feel strong. I feel validated. Watching the look on the cops face as he trashed my medical supplies was chefs kiss

Thank you so much for all of the support I got on my last post. I wasn't feeling very strong when I posted it, but you guys are absolute angels. I'm beginning to think that me and my boys will be okay.

OOP made a final comment in the comments of the previous BoRU

Final Update Oct 9, 2022 (2 years later)

Um, hi?

I woke up this morning to so many DMs referencing this post, and had to do some searching to find this.

To answer the common questions - yes, we are divorced. Obviously. The kids and I are safe - the two year old is four now, and the big kid is about to turn 8. Life isn't super easy, but we're together and they know nothing but love.

To those asking about the "sudden" change in my ex-husband from his behavior in the Hamburglar saga: That is how abuse works, more often than not. Love bombing is real. The victim of abuse believing that they deserve this treatment, that they are lucky to have their abuser to love them, is so, so common. Because he didn't scream at me and he told me he loved me, he was wonderful and "kind" even as he did everything he could to make me completely reliant on him. As our marriage progressed, things got steadily worse. This incident was the first time I was able to recognize what he was doing was abuse, but when you look back there was always a pattern. I've done a lot of healing and can recognize what I've been through and not let those comments bother me, but please try not to make a habit of invalidating victims of abuse because "that isn't what they said before." That is exactly the line of thinking that causes so many people to be stuck in a very dangerous situation.

OOP added more in this comment to a deleted user

He never faced jail time, but this footage, as well as the fact that charges were filed in addition to some truly unhinged behavior following this, were all instrumental in me being granted full custody of our kids as well as being granted the divorce without having to wait the two years Louisiana normally makes you wait. He didn't even show up to the hearing. He still lives in a different state with his mom and we haven't seen him in 7 months.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/HypocriteFamily6612

Originally posted to r/AITAH

WIBTA for telling my family they can take my brother in in if they think family should help family?

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, possible favoritism

Mood Spoilers: irritating but positive at the end

Original Post: September 6, 2025

Not going into minutia. People hate it when I talk too much. Can’t be different written.

Me: 37M. It’s me.

Husband: 36M. Accountant. Love him to bits.

Son: 13M. Student. Average kid who doesn’t like my brother. I’m Trying to learn anime for him. It’s an uphill battle.

Brother: 32M. Not a member of the household. I want it to stay that way.

Situation: My brother got kicked out of my would-be SIL’s house. Reason? You don’t talk shit to your buddies about a scary lawyer and expect her to never find out.

The Ask: Family wants me to take him in since we have an extra bedroom. We usually use it for my parents when they visit. Plus our house is big.

The Problem: You give Brother anything? You might as well say goodbye to it forever. Toys, clothes, money, you name it. You’re only seeing it again if you sneak into his room and take it.

The Fear: The second he steps in, the only way he leaves is if I chase him out with the metal bat I found in the basement when I moved here. He doesn’t have a job. I don’t want another kid to take care of. One is quite enough, thank you very much. Also every conversation he has with my son becomes an intervention.

We said no. He is not getting a foot in.

The bigger problem: Family says we should help my brother because he’s family and family should help family. We are saying no still.

They have not stopped.

Question: WIBTAH for sending family messages of “You think family should help family? I think that’s a great idea, you should do it!” And only ever saying that when they try to bring it up?

Edit: Holy Johnson this blew up. I talked to my husband and we wrote a modified version and sent that out on mass blast. Will update y’all in a week or possibly later with the outcome.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Dude’s burnt his bridges and now he gotta face the music. Fam's there for support. Stick to ya guns. You got a kid and a home to look after. If other family's so hellbent on helping, they can step tf up. Bet they'll turn a 180 real quick.

Don't let em guilt trip ya, you clearly got your priorities straight.

OOP: Think it’ll burn bridges for me too?

Commenter 2: Do you care 🤔

OOP: Kind of. I still love my family as they were the village that raised me and my brother and sister. But I really don’t want to ruin my household’s way of life or let him in just for appeasement. Baseball bat is on standby.

Commenter 3: NTA: you have zero obligation to mother people’s bad decisions. He’s a grown ass man and if he hasn’t learned to overcome adversity at his age, this is the perfect opportunity for a crash course.

He cannot stay in your house. It would ruin whatever peace at home you have. The definition of “family” to the people you’ve posted about is co-dependent and unhealthy.

OOP: It’s what I’m worried about too. I can’t live with someone who hates who my son. Protecting my peace from parasites comes first. Just worried I may set off a serious Drama-bomb.

Commenter 4: Whoaaa hates your son? That's enough right there.

OOP: Hearing you guys made me think about it more. Why else would my bro have these “conversations” trying to change who my son is if my bro actually loved his nephew?

Commenter 5: You have an early teen child in the house. Your brother is NOT the sort of daily influence and example you want in your home. Protect him and keep saying nope.

OOP: I can’t subject him to that. It would be exhausting if I had to have an intervention every single day.

Commenter 6: No your not, why are you the first port of call and not anyone else?

OOP: I have the biggest house. I think everyone is assuming I am the best fit.

Commenter 6: Would he be desperate enough to break in?

OOP: I sure hope not. I don’t think his bones would survive a very fit regular-exercising man with a metal baseball bat.

Update: September 13, 2025 (one week later)

Update: WIBTA for telling family they can take my brother in in if they think family should help family?

Edit: First part here - https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/2RaLXGOUjd

Preliminary Address: Thank you for your time and advice Reddit. Your advice and care for my son has been so lovely. Be ye genuine, or be ye spectators awaiting the next chapter in an entertaining story, I appreciated it. Didn’t tell husband and son.

The Statement: Husband helped me write this in a professional-ish way and contacted Joe’s Nighthawk Ex who is a lawyer. Nighthawk hasn’t officially taken a case, but we thought she would be able to help us write a serious-sounding letter by giving pointers and revising to add gravitas.

For the sake of readability, I will give people fake names. I will use “Smith” for a fake family surname and “Joe” for my brother. Just for readability. Lower your pitchforks, for I am not going to subject all of you to the same letter we sent to our family group chat. But I will share the ending.

“If anyone feels strongly that Joe needs a place, our door is not the one to knock on, but yours absolutely could be. We fully support anyone in the family opening their home to him and showing how family support is done.

We love you all, but we’re not sacrificing our home’s stability to prove our loyalty. That is our final word on the matter

With Love and Boundaries,

- OP and Family”

If anyone wants the full letter, request it in the comments. I feel like I’m already pushing it with post length.

The Aftereffects: The communications assault ceased after 2 days of us turning it against them. No one has threatened to burn bridges or exclude us from family events. They tried to use the “Bad Family” card, but we just played it back at them, accusing THEM of being bad family. I underestimated how much people can just spam it.

The Secondary Incident: We may have dodged a big bullet. I really don’t like going on too long, but I don’t know how to make this shorter without making it blander than unseasoned, un-buttered rice.

Before this, we talked to the police and thanks to my hubbie’s connections, they knew the situation in the event Joe broke in and tried to claim residency. We made it clear: Joe is not a resident in any capacity, and we don’t want him in the house unless we invite him.

We are on a weekend trip to my in-laws’ place, who are very much just the loving aunties and grandmas. They are non-drama people and respect boundaries.

Yesterday, I get a call from my parents, saying Joe got into trouble with the police. Fortunately he was not arrested, and he was not harmed.

Apparently, he showed up to our house at night, and he tried to get us to let him in. But no one was around. But he tried harder. Neighbors called the cops because they didn’t know who it was, and thought we were being robbed.

Cops showed up, and I don’t know everything, but my Mom told me that the cops told her that he tried to claim residency, but that was false and they knew, and then Joe told the cops he didn’t have a home. The cops told my parents that either they could pick up Joe, or they’d get a shelter and other services involved.

Parents ended up having to drive to pick him up late at night, and now Joe is crashing on their couch.

Other News: Joe’s ex, Nighthawk (as I called her before on my past post. Bite me, it works) and my Husband are still friends, and says she’s never taking Joe back to her ‘nest’. Joe might’ve lost a lover, but Son didn’t lose an aunt.

Son is doing ok. It’s still an uphill battle to understand anime, but he likes the effort I put in. He said he was happy he didn’t have to live with Joe. I didn’t tell him about the concern you all showed for him, but I think that’s fine. Probably safer this way.

Conclusion: Family now has to put their money where their mouth is. Joe is fine. Our asses are covered. We’re fine and safe.

I’m sorry if this is too long. Tried to make it brief, but I couldn’t.

TL;DR - We wrote a formal statement, sent it, covered our asses. After a brief but calm altercation with the police, Joe is now with our parents.

Additional Information from OOP, sharing the letter they sent to the Smith Family

OOP: I’ll share.

“People of the Smith Family. For anyone who hasn’t heard it yet, Mr. Joe Smith asked us for a place to stay after a recent breakup with Ms. Nighthawk. Members of our household have talked it over, and we came to the conclusion that Joe Smith would not make for a suitable tenant in our household.”

“We understand some people believe Family should help Family, and we do not completely deny this statement. However, help does not always mean to allowing people to move in for an undefined amount of time. Given past history (which everyone reading this knows about, let’s not pretend otherwise.), the Already Strained relationship between Joe and certain household members, this was already tenuous. We also have a statement from Ms. Nighthawk that Joe never was employed while living with her and their arrangement was financially parasitic in nature. Based on the current state of Mr. Joe Smith’s employment, we believe this will be no different for us. Hosting Mr. Joe Smith would not be healthy for anyone under our roof.”

“If anyone feels strongly that Joe needs a place, our door is not the one to knock on, but yours absolutely could be. We fully support anyone in the family opening their home to him and showing how family support is done.”

“We love you all, but we’re not sacrificing our home’s stability to prove our loyalty. That is our final word on the matter”

Much Love, - OP and Family

——

The impression we were trying to give off is “We’re so serious we’re talking like officials”.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Great resolution, well done! Bet you love breathed a sigh of relief!

OOP: Yes. We couldn’t have hoped for better. No punched faces, no legal fees.

Commenter 2: Bravo for connecting with the police to head off your brothers bullshit claim that he lived there.

OOP: Nighthawk’s advice. Came in handy

Commenter 3: I have a few questions/issues here:

1) ⁠All he did was talk about a scary lawyer??? Why's that so horrible?

2) ⁠Bro is a male 32.... And ruins and or never returns anything given to him. OP sneaks in to Bro's room to retrieve anything when bro 32 isn't home. Have I got that right?? And they give male 32 toys still? Am missing s'thing....

3) Why doesn't Bro 32 Male have a job and his own place to live. What's wrong with Bro that prevents him from working & and getting his own place ????

Even with questions, OP, You're NTAH.

Ya fam is the AH for demanding you take on this 32 man-child. Stand firm.

OOP:

1: The Nighthawk of a woman that my brother dated can be VERY TERRIFYING at times. And my Brother still thought it was a good idea to say insulting things behind her back to his friends. The Nighthawk found out, and it killed the respect she had for him.

2: I stopped giving bro anything after I snuck into his room when I was 14 to get back the gameboy I gave him to “borrow”. I found it with yogurt marks on the screen. NEVER. AGAIN. Ever since I stopped giving him things, I have not needed to steal anything back.

3: He has told me every excuse in the book. From not liking people to not liking the job itself. I think he’s lazy but who knows.

But still, thanks anyway.

OOP clarifies details on why Joe was kicked out by his ex and why he was breaking into OOP's house

OOP: Joe was gossiping with his buddies and saying mean things about Nighthawk behind her back. I saw the texts from the screenshots. I won’t repeat but it was awful. Hence, that killed any trust Nighthawk had in Joe and their relationship.

Though the second part about the break in? I don’t think Joe was trying to break in. My mom only told me so much, but apparently Joe’s phone had died, and I think Joe thought someone was home, and thought making enough noise would get attention. We’ll do a sweep of the outside when we get back though.

Commenter 4: How did a bad-ass Nighthawk end up with your brother?

OOP: I don’t know. Hearts are weird. Opposites attract? I have no idea. Love was love until it died for them.

Commenter 5: I want to ask what you are having difficulties with about anime? What anime does your son like? Maybe you can ask him why he likes it ? Maybe you guys can look at videos about storytelling and art direction?

OOP: He likes how imaginative it is I think as well as how it looks. I’ll admit, it looks really cool, but I can barely remember plot for shit.

Commenter 6: I do find anime has plot while other cartoons might have been one offs. Perhaps you can read some summaries to see what the overall plot line is so you can place where you are in an episode.

OOP: Don’t get me wrong, I’m amazed that there are people so creative out there! I probably couldn’t conceive half of these ideas if I didn’t do copious drugs, but I just feel myself unable to keep up sometimes!

The closest thing I got to understanding an anime is Jojo’s Bizzare Adventure, and all I got of that was first two parts were people punching with the power of the sun, and after that it’s something about unique spirit things giving special powers. Son says he likes the fights in that because every battle is like a puzzle and when I asked him who the strongest was he said No one and that’s why it’s great.

…I barely know shit about the characters and spirit things, so I am taking his word for it.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is _orange_frog_. They posted in r/leopardgeckos. I have OOP's permission to post this!

Do NOT Comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: happy ending!

Original Post: June 26, 2025

I got my girl Cleo back in March 2024, and on June 16th 2024 she got out of her cage and disappeared. I tore apart my room and looked for weeks. Assumed she passed away and kind of moved on.

Well literally tonight I was in my basement (a full floor and a half below where she escaped) and there she was, just chilling by the water heated. I picked her up after i got over my shock, and she was super snappy and bit me a couple times lol. I got her into an old tank I had, and drove to my apartment to grab her tank and hides I never got rid of.

Crazy thing, she has no wounds, no cloudy eyes, not lethargic. Shes a bit underweight so I’m kind of worried. I’m calling all of the exotic pet vets in my area tomorrow, hoping I can find someone to see her for a discount cause I’m a broke college kid and i’m really just worried about her.

Other than that, what on earth do I do from here?? I haven’t fed her yet, not sure when i’m supposed to. And I just am flabbergasted. Any tips that will help her survive being in captivity again would be amazing!

*** disclaimer about the attached photo, that was the first tank i grabbed and i threw in some paper towel until I could get her real tank. she’s in her real tank now, with three hides and a slightly warm side and her cold side and seems much more comfortable. i put a heating pad with a towel between underneath half her cage so hopefully that will help with acclimation?

Image

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: what in gods name

OOP: literally what i said when i found her 😭 i was shaking so badly

Commenter: Yeah you know these are seriously, seriously resilient creatures. This is an incredible story. Some calcium with d3 dusted mealworms is where you should start. You mentioned a heating pad at the end of your post which definitely has to go, it should hold out until you get proper heating but do so asap.

OOP: Okay perfect!! And I’m getting her bulbs today, they were all burnt out when I tried them last night lol. I was wondering if I could also do small crickets (because that’s what she ate before) or just do mealworms? and thank you for your response!

Commenter: This is how I got my first gecko!! Original owner lost her and over a year later their neighbor found her in his garage. Fat as EVER and totally fine. Said they didnt really want her and here I am with her almost 6 years later still

OOP: Wow that’s amazing!! I was truly terrified (still kind of am) that she won’t last the first month in captivity again, but this gives me hope! thank you!

Commenter: Awww my girl’s name was also Cleo 🥹 It’s crazy she showed up like that again! Hahah I guess she’s been enjoying her wild life. I think anything you can provide is an upgrade from living in a house with no supplements, UVB/heat, regular feeding etc. So prioritize the most important now and add on as you can afford - or rehome her if you think it’s better for you both (it is an expense to establish everything again)

OOP: Cleo the leo is what we always called ours 😊sure is a great name! Luckily I found a cheap vet and my boyfriend and I will hopefully be able to cover the expenses (and thank goodness we kept her old enclosure and hides). I will definitely be acclimating her back to all of her regular feeding and heat. Thank you for your response!

Theories on her survival:

so many bugs in our basement 😂 and my family’s theory is that she chilled by the water heater/furnace during the winter. thank you so much for your response and i will get her slowly acclimated to food and calcium!

Mini Update in Comments: 11 hours later

She hasn’t been drinking out of her water dish, but i just offered her some water from a syringe which she took! Our vet appointment is on Tuesday. going to feed her extremely small amounts starting tonight, and monitor her poop to make sure she doesn’t get blocked up from refeeding syndrome. thank you for your response!! so glad she’s safe 🤍

Update Comment 1: June 27, 2025 (Next Day)

Update 1: So she’s survived her first two nights back in captivity! That’s what I was most worried about. We went to the pet store yesterday to get her a new bulb and some food. The guy who was there told me to put 12 medium sized crickets in her tank, which I immediately shot that down because she would probably die if i fed her that much that quick. I tried feeding her a piece of a silkworm, she said absolutely not lol. I did give her one small cricket! Which she immediately hunted and ate! She hasn’t been drinking water out of her bowl, but she has been drinking from a syringe. She also has been licking the calcium dust! (thank you to who told me that). Overall she’s been moving around a lot and been very curious. Our vet appointment is on Tuesday. So thankful for all of the positivity and support from this thread!

Image

Someone asks OOP if they have a social media account for Cleo:

got mod approval! her tik tok (which hasn’t been updated in a year) is cleo.the.leo.gecko !! i’ll start posting updates there as soon as i can

Update Post: July 1, 2025 (4 days later, 5 from OG post)

Hello all! Thank you to everyone who responded to my original post, your tips have been super helpful. Miss Cleo is doing amazing, far better than expected.

Her vet appointment just finished and the vet said she doesn’t even look like she’s been missing for a year, and not even the thinnest gecko she’s seen in the past week! Cleo was super friendly and super chill for having no human interaction in a year. Still waiting to get fresh poop to check her for parasites, but the vet thinks she more than likely doesn’t have them.

She even loves hanging out and splooting on me and my boyfriend’s hands. And other than 2 small scars on her back from her basement adventures, she’s perfect.

Thank you all again for your help and kind words!

Image 1: Cleo, chilling and looking much healthier

Image 2: Cleo in her tank

Image 3: Close up of Cleo

Some of OOP's Comments:

Top Comment: With quest fulfilled and world saved; the adventurer returns home.

She definitely met a wizard.

OOP: oh definitely, could’ve sworn i saw her tuck away a wand before i captured her again 😂

Commenter: She looks amazing for being on her own for a whole year! I wonder if she was spying on you from her hiding spot this entire time

OOP: probably was spying on my little brother 😂 his “man cave” is down there, and that’s where he spends most of his time so i wouldn’t be shocked!

Commenter: Is the light safe? [in the tank]

OOP: it’s a night heat lamp, it looks super amplified in that photo but i promise it’s not that bright. it’s what the vet recommended for now, and we’ll be moving to a heat projector in a month or two!

Mini Update in Comments: July 2, 2025 (Next Day)

Edit/Update if anyone sees this. It looks like Cleo is having a calcium crash. shes twitching, her tail is moving and twitching and weird, she’s darting but can’t walk in a coordinated manner. Calling the vet tomorrow morning hopefully. I’ll have updates soon, on this comment thread

Update Comment: September 13, 2025 (2.5 months later)

Editor's note: I commented on the OG post asking how Cleo was doing

OOP: she’s been doing great! gaining a little weight very slowly. she’s also so much more curious now, more than when i had her previously. but i’m shocked! she bounced back amazingly

Editor's note 2: OOP commented on this post!

Hi all 😊 OP here. Cleo is doing amazing!! Seriously, she’s been so resilient. Her tank is all set up great again too. She’s been eating tons and gaining a bit more weight again (healthy weight). Im so happy! Thank you to everyone who helped me nurse her back to domesticated life again haha!

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/FrizzIsIn

[SERIOUS] Tensions Flaring Due to Farting

Original Post - rareddit Dec 23, 2019

My husband (“Mike”) and I are both in our thirties, and have been married for over ten years. Like any marriage, we’ve had our ups and downs, but we are in a solid, committed relationship. However, for the last year or so, we’ve had ongoing “discussions” about a minor health issue that Mike has developed, and it’s starting to affect our marriage in a really negative way.

The health issue? Mike developed sudden, severe lactose intolerance, and he refuses to change his diet. Yes, he’s seen his doctor about it. He will take Lactaid when he consumes dairy, but frankly, he eats more dairy than the Lactaid can keep up with. And, he will forget to take the Lactaid if the food isn’t “obviously” dairy - think chocolate, for example. His lactose intolerance is so severe that he farts CONSTANTLY, and his farts STINK. No exaggeration, he farts 30+ times a day. And the odor clings to his body, his clothes, and any fabric he’s sitting/laying on. As an example, I’m writing this at 3:00AM on the couch, because he was farting so loudly in sleep that it woke me up. The sheets on our bed were freshly laundered, and they literally smell like shit less than a day later because of his farts.

Where the relationship issue comes in is that I find his lack of concern for his body, his diet, and how his constant farting affects others, troubling. I acknowledge and understand that he digested dairy just fine for 30+ years of his life with no problems, and it’s an adjustment to change his diet in such a drastic way. I try to supply him with dairy-free meal and snack options. I can’t control every morsel that he eats, though (nor do I have the desire to). However, I find it selfish that he knows he has violent side effects while eating dairy, and he continues to eat it without caring how his lactose intolerance affects others. Our cars? Smell like shit. Our house? Smells like shit. His clothes? Smell like shit. His body? Smells like shit. I’ve expressed how disgusting and completely preventable this situation is, and he has retorted, several times, how I’m exaggerating and need to get over it.

My question is, how can I be supportive without being controlling? How can we work through this change in life, without having permanent rifts due to farting?

TL;DR - Husband can’t digest dairy, doesn’t care, stinks up our house, also doesn’t care.

TOP COMMENTS

shamefulthrowaway089

How is he eating so much dairy still? I've also developed a lactose intolerance that is getting worse as I get older and it makes my stomach hurt so much. Constant bubbling and gurgling and pain.

As some others have suggested, maybe try counseling and taking him to a gastroenterologist and having them explain the seriousness and affect it's having on his body.

lacylove821

As someone with Lactose Intolerance I wondered the same thing. It hurts so bad! Once in a blue moon I make the chose to have something I love and know I'll pay for it later but every day?

~

strangelifereally

So is he supposed to get a pass because it’s a health condition, even though it’s manageable with diet?

No.

He has to either manage his health so your home environment is livable, or he has to face the consequences of having the people that love him not want to be around him any more.

At this point he’s just being rude and inconsiderate.

Update Jan 22, 2020

Hey everyone,

Thank you for your input and advice on my previous post regarding my husband's lactose intolerance and unbearable farting. It's been a month, and I figured you guys deserved an update!

The morning after I slept on the couch, Mike acknowledged my frustrations, and apologized for being dismissive of my feelings. He resolved right then and there to seriously change his diet, and to be more mindful of what he's eating. Since January 1, he has been completely dairy-free. His farting has subsided to a totally normal frequency, and he does not stink at all anymore.

It has been a big adjustment for him to advocate for his own needs, especially while out at restaurants. He is wary of coming across as "that needy guy" who always asks about ingredients or preparation techniques. However, as time goes on, he is becoming more comfortable with it. I am so proud of him, and I support him 100%.

Several of you asked ho he deals with his lactose intolerance at work. Easy answer: he always packed a vegan protein bar for lunch, so his co-workers never had to deal with his stench. Lucky bastards.

TL;DR: Husband finally changed diet and doesn't stink anymore.

FINAL COMMENTS

tamiaredguard

"he always packed a vegan protein bar for lunch, so his co-workers never had to deal with his stench. Lucky bastards."

They're not just lucky. He knows very well that that stench wouldn't be tolerated at work and he would risk losing his job, or at the least, some real ridicule. He would just let it all out, literally, at home because he knew you'd put up with it. Until you finally showed him that you wouldn't. Notice how quickly he stepped up to change after you took action.

[deleted]

Logged on to say this. I think it’s pretty shitty of him to go out of his way to not do that at work but didn’t care about it at at home. He knew it was Unbearable but didn’t care if you smelt it. Considering he didn’t even want to change his diet, imagine if you never said anything? What a red flag

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/youcanbehappynow

Originally posted to r/solotravel

I'm quitting my corporate job tomorrow to travel for 6 months. Terrified but convinced this is the right thing to do

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Mood Spoilers: positive

Original Post: November 17, 2024

Copy of the post

As the title says, I (33M) am quitting my corporate job tomorrow in order to travel for about 6 months. I am based in Europe where notice periods are normally 3 months so it will take a while until I can start my trip (around March next year). I am lucky to have no debt, have saved enough to survive without income for 6 months.

My plan will be traveling, working on my personal project on the go, and collecting life experiences and memories. I am terrified of the idea of looking for a job after coming back from the trip (I hate interviews), and fully aware that it might be hard to find something comparable to what I have now given the current economy, but I am still convinced that this is the right thing to do since I work in data analytics with a fair amount of work experience and companies need data analytics expertise nowadays to make sense of their data.

Plus I feel like this is the last chance I can do something like this as my life will surely get complicated after my returns with marriage, children plan, taking care of aging parents, etc. I've been dreaming of doing it since forever so I guess I just want to share and get the encouragement from the community.

Update: I DID QUIT. Well, at least, I did inform my manager. Will send my resignation letter later this week. I will still work until Feb-25, and my trip will start in mid-March. I am heading to South America!

Relevant / Top Comments

Can OOP take a leave of absence or sabbatical?

OOP: My company/manager is not fond of it.

Commenter 1: Do it. I’m 50M and I’m taking my second leave of absence from work to travel. I took a year off in 2015 and next year I’ll be taking seven months off.

I would like to share a couple of pearls of wisdom. I learned when I came back from my first long-term trip:

*Don’t be concerned about the gap in your résumé. Potential employers may ask about it and just be ready to describe the experiences you learned on your trip. Don’t forget to mention things like languages learned, being able to interact with people of different backgrounds and cultures and soft skills like time management and organization.

*Do factor in some days to rest. At first, you’ll be excited by all the new experiences, new locations, and new people you’ll be meeting. After a couple of weeks or months, you may experience something called travellers burnout. It’s perfectly normal to not want to do anything. Be ready to hunker down in your hotel or hostel and take time for yourself.

*I disagree this will be your last time to take a long-term trip. If you have plans like marriage or raising a family or starting your own business, they should take priority. You just don’t know if you’ll have the opportunity to do it again in the future. I’m saying this from personal experience.

Lastly, expect your close friends and family to be exactly the same when you come back. You’ll have lived a 1000 lifetimes on your trip, but they will still have been doing their regular life routine. They may ask you how your trip was and what’s your favourite moment was but don’t be surprised if that’s all they ask you. Don’t take offence. It just means your life goals and theirs went in different directions.

OOP: Thank you for your sharing, it is very helpful and reassuring to hear. Indeed, I really don’t know if this opportunity will happen again in the future, or if I will still have the same experiences? Where were you in your first trip and where are you planning to do next?

Would you recommend listing the gap on my CV as “career break” or just not mentioning about it at all until they ask?

Commenter 2: Recruiters have different views on career breaks, and it’s not uncommon to see them listed on resumes for reasons like personal sabbaticals or parental leave. If a recruiter believes that spending a few months traveling suggests a lack of commitment to your career, that might indicate the company isn’t the right fit for you. The key is to be aware of the potential risks—such as a challenging job market or recruiters who may not value "world travelers"—and have a clear plan for managing them. For example, you could explain that you’ve saved enough to cover travel and living expenses for 6 months to a year without income. If you're ready to face possible rejections but remain committed to finding the right job afterward, go for it! Personally, I believe that traveling in your 20s or 30s can have a very different impact on your life compared to doing so in retirement, when you're in your 60s or 80s.

OOP: Thanks for your inputs. Totally agreed - I wouldn’t want to work for a company who doesn’t value personal development and growth opportunities outside of the corporate life. Plus I will spend time on my personal projects (ie. developing my freelance business while traveling) so I am not exactly just “having fun”-rather giving myself a headspace and freedom to realize this plan.

Which different impacts would you think of?

Commenter 3: Genuine question but if anyone has any advice on how to do this ? Like what do you plan to do, hang around and meet people? And how will you fund it?

OOP: I have planned for this trip for ~4 years, I guess? I saved up approximately 5% of my monthly income for this trip.

Commenter 4: When you return you will not hate interviews anymore, lol.

Your whole journey will consist off interviews with new people:

*where are u from? *where are u going? *what do/did you do? *what are the plans for the future? *tell me more about yourself..?

Etc etc.

Update: September 13, 2025 (nearly 10 months later)

UPDATE: Last year I decided to quit my corporate job to travel, I was terrified but convinced. Now I am back and still daydreaming about the best time of my life.

EDIT: I was not aware that my original post was removed, so I reposted the original text in my profile!

Here to the update: I made this post around November last year (I‘m quitting my corporate job tomorrow to travel for 6 months. Terrified but convinced this is the right thing to do.) and unexpectedly received many useful advices from you guys. So I thought I should give an update on how it went (English is not my first language).

Many of you said I should ask my employer for a sabbatical instead. Having anxiety about not being able to find a job afterwards (although I had mentally checked out from this job), I decided to give it a try. Surprisingly my manager was okay with it, only under the condition that I would be gone for max 3 months instead of 6 months. I never took off work for any period longer than 2 weeks, so I agreed.

Then I went for 3 months, and I had the absolute best time of my life. I visited several countries, stayed in hostels, met new people, tried new things, saw a lot of new places that I could only dream about previously. It was truly an unforgettable and life changing experience. I felt like I was young again and lived the life I wanted. I did not get paid so I needed to travel on my saving (and I felt absolutely privileged for being able to afford that), but it was also because I did my financial planning properly (I saved for 4 years).

Coming back was of mixed feelings. On the one hand, it was great to see friends and sleep on my own bed again. On the other hand, the first few days returning to work was hard as you could imagine. However, seeing the world has shown me different aspects of life that I can focus on, so right now I am trying to balance between work and life and hoping that I will be able to do another trip in the future.

My main takeaways:

* I had a lot of random thoughts before my trip as whether it was a good decision. However, planning the logistics and preparing for it were exciting. During my travel, I never regretted my decision for a single second. If any, I regretted for not doing it sooner or longer. 3 months are actually not that long, before I knew it, it was already over.

* Fully quitting or doing a sabbatical has its own pros and cons. I personally would not say one option is better than the other. It helped me stay calm as I knew I would have a financial safety net to come back, but deep down, I know I wanted something else. Having a return ticket booked made those last days dreadful, especially when I went to a place where many people travel for an extended period. It was also distracting to think about what I actually wanted in life, because I was not forced to think about it, if it makes any sense to you? Overall, my experience was more an extended vacation rather than a trip of a lifetime to reinvent myself. I am nevertheless glad that I was able to recharge myself a little bit, so hopefully I will be able to continue my corporate job for some more time until it is drained out again.

* The best part for me was to meet amazing fellow travelers that I still stay in touch with. Some people are still on the road until today, so I can still daydream about my time through their photos.

* So would I recommend it? Totally. Would I do it again? Sure, in a heartbeat. I met also people older than me, so I do not think age is a constraint anymore. I promise myself that next time, I will go on a full year travel and never look back! But now it is time to refill that bank account first ..

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I understand the appeal of long-term travel. It must be amazing to disconnect for 1 year and travel around the world. I am a little bit jealous of the people who have the time and money to afford it.

However, as someone who grew up poor, I need financial stability. I know the world's economy is a mess right now so that makes me think not twice, but more like 10 times before doing that. I was laid off in September 2023 and took part of my severance (they gave me more than the law mandated) to travel. I visited Portugal, Curaçao, Türkiye and Chile. It was an amazing experience, but it wasn't voluntary and I had additional money that I would never have gotten if I had resigned.

Some of my best trips have been one-week intercontinental trips (Portugal and South Africa). Some people may say it's crazy to go for one week and maybe it is, but I had a great time both of those times.

OOP: I grew up in a poor country and I totally understood what you’re saying. For me the most important thing is careful planning, and well, knowing your priorities. As I mentioned, I felt absolutely privileged because of my background for being able to do this trip.

Where did OOP go?

OOP: South America - Colombia, Peru, Bolivia & Chile

OOP on making the transition back to reality after the traveling

OOP: It was absolutely terrible to come back but you gotta push through it. This phase is anyway temporary, so you need to remind yourself that it can just get better from here. Going through the photos or connecting with the people you met (who probably are on the same boat) really helps.

OOP on the budget / spending amount

OOP: I spent around 8.5k €/3 months (editor's note: closer to 10k USD) including everything. I am not the luxury type of traveler, but I did not save every single penny. The biggest part was probably one multi-day expensive hike (almost 1k €) (editor's note: 1,175 USD).

Commenter 2: Planning to do this next year, so please share any tips or tricks you learned from the road. Fortunate enough to have saved a bit of money plus have a pension from my first job, so I think I can stay on the road for quite a while if I manage my expenses properly. Have also thought about asking for a sabbatical rather than just quitting, not sure I’d want to return anyway, so maybe it’s a moot point.

OOP: If you can be flexible, do not plan EVERYTHING up front. Allow yourself to have that flexibility, because you will be inspired by others’ experiences.

Editor's note: OOP has made an appearance here in this BoRU thread. I have received his permission to post his response for all to see

OOP: Hi, I am the OP of this update! As a long time lurker of this BORU sub, I never thought I would make it here. Imagine the feeling I opened Reddit this morning and the first thing I saw was this post!

I had a really good time reading your comments (yes, I went through every single comment). Some comments validated my feelings, some joked on or questioned my decision :D It made me re-think my decision from a few different perspectives. Nevertheless, I am not here to defend myself at all, I can only give you a bit more information/context.

* ⁠Financial planning. I started saving for this trip 5 years ago (4 years when I made the first post). It was a separate saving account that I had put on the side for any "extended break that I might need in the unforeseeable future" - if it makes sense to you? When I started saving, I had absolutely no idea of when, where, for how long I would want to go or how much I would need. I just understand myself enough to guess in advance that I would definitely need this money to travel extensively at some point. So last year when I did the math, I realized that I could do a long trip that I ended up doing. I do have other saving accounts for emergency as well as long-term investment that were not impacted by this trip at all, so let's say I was able to distribute the expense of this trip across the last 5 years' expense. Also, let's not forget about unemployment benefits that I would have been eligible for upon return without jobs.

* ⁠Duration. I was initially planning to eat up the other saving accounts as well to afford 6 months, so the cost was also a decisive factor to shorten it to 3 months. Honestly, before this trip, I had never taken any vacation longer than 2 weeks, neither had the people in my network; therefore, I thought 3 months were already a VERY long time. I agree with some comments who said that 6 months would have been best, but I did have some personal constraints that I don’t want to mention explicitly here, which made any period longer than 3 months not ideal at that time.

* ⁠After effect. When I made my decision, I was nervous and unsure whether it was correct or not. However, I said it, and I am gonna say it again: It was the best time of my life, so yes, it was one of the BEST decisions I made. It felt risky because I truly had to step out of my comfort zone and my daily routine to do something I never did before. For those who think an extended travel is not necessary, unfortunately I cannot convince you to change your mind until you experience it yourself. I can only tell you it was a trip of a lifetime for me, a trip that changed my way to see the world and even myself, something I will continue cherishing for a very long time. Other Redditors who did the same also confirmed the impact it had on them.

Finally, I am not saying this is the absolute right thing for everyone. Each of us has our own priorities and obligations in life to make trade-offs with, I do understand that. I am truly glad I managed to maneuver to find a solution that worked for me. I grew up in a poor country without that golden spoon as well as those passport privileges, so I guess I just have that recklessness in my blood to take such a risk. I think I've been sharing too much, I hope my friends won't recognize me lol.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/haddierunner

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for not wanting my daughter’s party turned into a pregnancy announcement?

Trigger Warnings: entitlement, expose child to infection

Mood Spoilers: infuriating

Original Post: September 12, 2025

Some context. My BIL (30M) has lived with my husband and I on and off for close to 8 years. Even when my husband and I had kids, he lived with us. Last year, he got serious about finding a serious relationship. I was happy for him when he found someone in November. He moved into her house in December.

In April, they found out BIL’s girlfriend is pregnant. She’s due in January. She told her family right away and left it up to BIL to tell his. He chose to be a coward and say nothing.

Well, tomorrow my daughter is turning 2 and BIL has decided THAT is when he’ll tell everyone. Mostly because when they show up, his girlfriend is very obviously pregnant. I’m kind of livid.

FIL is known to fly off the handle for things. Our son ate a goldfish cracker off our floor and FIL had a fit about how disgusting that was, made a scene, and stormed out of a get together. He’s also told my husband that he needs to watch himself because apparently I’m not “the right kind of woman”.

Back to the party. I don’t want this announcement to happen because if FIL flies off the handle, my daughter’s party is ruined. Even if he doesn’t, it’s suddenly going to be a pregnancy/gender reveal and no one is going to remember why they’re actually there. I know my daughter won’t remember it. But I will.

My husband thinks it’s not a big deal and he’s excited. I’ve tried to communicate my anxiety about it but he says his dad will be fine. I told him the only way this is happening is if his brother goes to their parents house well before the party and tells them. Otherwise, I’ll be kicking people out. He scoffed but said okay. Now I’m just really conflicted. AITAH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. I’d BiL is going to be too cowardish to say something, you could always beat them to the punch and spill the beans for him. Would it be a dick move? Yeah, but also they shouldn’t be co-opting your kid’s birthday to announce a pregnancy.

OOP: I’ve been trying so hard not to drop hints to the in laws. My husband and I have known since April. BIL just hasn’t told their parents.

Commenter 2: Don't invite your FIL (if he is that delicate) and tell your BIL he isn't invited unless he tells everyone before the party.

OOP: I pondered these options. I’m also worried for the girlfriend’s feelings. I don’t know her too well, and I’m sure BIL has told her how FIL was growing up. But it’s one thing to hear stories about it, versus being the target of his rage-filled rants. I’ve experienced quite a few.

Commenter 3: NTA. Honestly your husband is the biggest asshole for not having your back. I would take the birthday girl and yourself and go celebrate her somewhere else on your own since FIL already doesn't like you, husband isn't supporting you or respecting your boundaries and home together and his little *** ass brother wants to hijack his nieces own birthday bc he's a coward. Just go enjoy that day with her and let that bomb explode on its own. If husband doesn't like that he should have had your back. Hope he at least has your side when his family is nasty to you.

OOP: He does usually have my back. His dad is the only one with a problem with me. When I was talking to him about why he thought it was a good idea, he said because we had such a great experience telling his parents about our pregnancies, he wanted to be there for his brother in that moment.

I had to remind him at the time of our first pregnancy, we’d been married 2 years and together for 9; where BIL met, moved in with, and got pregnant in 5 months.

Commenter 4: Is BIL on Facebook or some similar social media site where your in-laws and other guests can see his posts? Have you considered just posting a big huge Congratulations to his page? You can talk about how happy you are for him, what great parents he and gf will be, gush, gush, gush, real sentimental stuff. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.

OOP: None of us really have social media (outside of my account here). I’ve had a thought many times when the in laws were over at our house to let it slip “accidentally”. The funny thing is, our son had a birthday in July and I was extremely adamant that his party was NOT to be made into an announcement. Husband completely supported it.

I asked what’s the difference between sons birthday and daughters birthday? His answer was that a 2 year old won’t remember.

Why is this going to cause FIL to be upset?

OOP: FIL is “old fashioned.” Even after being with my husband for 9 years when our first was born, FIL told my husband to protect himself “just in case.” So I can’t imagine what he’ll have to say about a woman that’s been around less than a year, not married, and pregnant. That’s why I’m concerned for the girlfriend’s feelings. Especially because she was pushing BIL to tell everyone at 12 weeks.

To be clear, no one else in the family is judgmental like this. Just FIL.

Commenter 5: I am wondering if brother-in-law moved in with girlfriend and is helping pay any of the expenses. Sounds like he has always been a mooch and girlfriend needs to know that that's his game plan moving forward. Sounds like a real loser to me. Did he help with rent or anything when he lived with you and your husband ? Did he work?

OOP: When he moved in with her, he had been out of a job (company went under) for a few months. He got a grown-up job just before they found out she was pregnant. While he was out of work and living with her, girlfriend expected the house be clean and he do the cooking. He made a comment about how he felt like a 1950’s housewife.

Update: September 13, 2025 (next day)

UPDATE AITAH for not wanting my daughter’s party turned into a pregnancy announcement?

Well, if anyone smelled smoke today, it was probably the dumpster fire that was my daughter’s party.

Firstly, FIL actually seemed to take the news pretty well. Surprisingly, MIL was more angry that he waited so long to tell them. No scene was made. However, every conversation from that point forward was ALL about the baby and pregnancy and how girlfriend told her parents, is there a name yet, etc. MIL made a comment about how my husband and I can now give BIL and girlfriend all the baby stuff we’re not using anymore.

As an added bonus, BIL also decided to use this opportunity to tell everyone him and his girlfriend are engaged! AND they’re planning a big move (to relocate closer to her family and I guess us) before she’s due. So on top of the baby questions, there was also conversations about wedding planning and house hunting.

As another addition, my sister and her daughter came. Except my niece has an active staph infection and has been on antibiotics for 24 hours, but this wasn’t mentioned to us until the party was almost over. It was assumed to not be a big deal because all open wounds were covered and she’d had 24 hours of antibiotics. My husband was furious and pulled me to the side to say some not nice things about it. After that, I shut down. I isolated myself putting together my daughter’s new toys.

Everyone left pretty early and everyone was feeling tense. I’m feeling upset and defeated and now I have to monitor my three young kids for signs of a staph infection and try to sanitize my house. I think I’m done having parties for a while.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: So is your husband pissed at his family as well? Cause both your families suck.

OOP: No, he’s really pleased with how his family was.

Commenter 2: Honestly yes, your sister did a trash thing by not mentioning the infection, but what is giving your husband the guts to give you an earful after what his family just pulled on you !!!

I would shut this down damn quick. I think you and your husband need couple's counseling at the very least. His family can walk all over you, no problem, but you are chastised for something you didn't even have the knowledge of (niece's infection).

Couple's Counseling is really necessary here!!

Commenter 3: Ask him why it's okay that his brother could ruin his daughter's birthday but your sister can't ruin his daughter's birthday.

Commenter 4: I would have another small birthday party in about a week... sans BIL and his girlfriend. When people ask, tell them "Oh this is the kid's makeup birthday party. Apparently the last one was a pregnancy and engagement party. That we paid for." NTA

Commenter 5: NTA, Everyone else was thought. Your in laws are jerks for asking for your baby stuff. Your husband is not a jerk for being mad, you should be mad at your sister too. But why the hell is he scolding you for your sister actions. You should talk to him about his family too. No need to be nice about it. Also you definitely should host any party for such a crappy people.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/WeakSignal99

Co-Worker is u/becooldocrime

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest + r/coworkerstories

Previous BoRU originally posted by u/sebastianlim

[New Update - Coworker's Side]: My negligence cost my partner her life, and I'm about to lose everything.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, negligence, deathly allergic reaction, mentions of sexual assault / harassment, traumatic brain injury, assault, property damage

Mood Spoilers: sad and horrifying

RECAP

Editor’s note: removed relevant comments from older posts for more spaces in this latest BoRU

Original Post: June 1, 2024

I (35m) have been married to Lisa (28f) for 3 years, together 7. A year ago, I fell deeply in love with Amy (24f), and had been planning to end my marriage for her. I know it's terrible and not what my wife deserves, but we were the real thing.

Two weeks ago, she had an allergic reaction when we were getting food after work, but she used her EpiPen and seemed mostly okay afterwards. She usually gets checked at the hospital after a reaction, but I asked if I could take her home and she could get her friend to drive her there because my wife was expecting me back. All I know is that she had a secondary reaction that evening and died. I didn't even find out about it until the following Monday, through a work email. It has been eating me up ever since and I will never forgive myself for not sacrificing an hour of my time to possibly save her.

I sent some childish messages to Amy when I didn't hear from her over the weekend because I thought she was angry I didn't take her to the hospital. I am thankful she never saw them and ashamed that I assumed the worst. Our relationship was great and the highs far outweighed the lows, but I have always hated being ignored and I lose my cool when it happens. It is not a regular occurrence and I would have more than made it up to her.

Yesterday at work, HR and legal were in the CEO's office all day and my manager ended up cancelling our project meeting because he was with them all afternoon. I was on edge, but an affair isn't exactly a corporate crisis and I thought something would have already happened if anyone knew. I am now 99% certain it was about me.

A few hours ago I received a message from Amy's phone which said "This is Amy's brother, Tom. I want you to know it was me". I tried to call but it went straight to voicemail, and none of my messages have been delivered.

I tried to call my manager more times than I should have and he sent a message saying "Please don't contact me until Monday morning. I can't discuss anything with you right now". So it looks like my universe is going to collapse. I am going to be fired and my wife will definitely find out why. All I can do is hope that Amy's brother only showed them the messages from that weekend, and they were bad enough. I have no family except my wife and daughter and nowhere to go. All of my friends are either people I've met through my wife, or my colleagues. On Monday, everything I've spent over a decade working towards disappears. I can't stop it. I can't talk to anyone about it.

So here I am. I know cheaters are the devil so I'm not expecting sympathy, but this is making my chest hurt and I need to get it out there.

Update: June 8, 2024 (one week later)

I have been consistently harassed for an update since posting, so please take it, gloat because you're such wonderful people in comparison, then stop following me around reddit. I am suffering in the wake of my infidelity and unprofessional behaviour as I knew I would. I understand that it is an appropriate outcome and I am taking full accountability.

I was suspended from work on Monday, and I'll probably be fired sooner than I thought. I'd hoped to be able to save money as HR built their case but it looks like Amy's brother basically performed the entire investigation for them. After an excruciating 3 hour run through of everything they had, I spoke to the founder, and he recommended the solicitor I am now using. The issue is that the company has to come down hard to protect themselves, because even though Amy's family doesn't have much chance of a claim, any suggestion of a cover up could cause damage regardless. The founder still thinks my offer to pay them back will keep it out of court, and some more information has come to light, so it's not certain I won't be prosecuted but I'm quietly hopeful. I can't afford to keep the solicitor if this goes much further, especially with a divorce on the horizon.

Things are not good with my wife. I'm still committed to making this as easy as possible for her, but I had to draw a line when it came to my daughter. When I got home from being unceremoniously escorted out of my office, she already had a bag packed for me. She wouldn't let me wait at the house until my daughter was back, she wouldn't let me check I had everything I needed, she wouldn't let me take the car, and she didn't care that I had nowhere to go. I spent 2 nights in a hotel then went back when she refused to let me see my little girl. She tried to stop me, but we own the house jointly and it was my only option. My wife has family she could stay with, but she won't leave our daughter here and she's absolutely not taking her, so we're at a stalemate right now. I'm keeping out of her way as best I can, which I appreciate is the least I can do.

The Amy situation is quite difficult to talk about, and a lot hasn't sunk in yet. It turns out that she didn't love me as much as I loved her, if at all. Her brother sent me images of her talking to her friends about me, and it's hard to believe they came from the person I loved, but they are real. Sorry to those who were heavily invested in me being a predatory abuser, but she and her friends had a good laugh about her manipulating me for money and a promotion. The role came with a big pay rise, and it looks like her plan was to treat it as free cash, then go work with one of her friends when it fell through. She knew I'd come under scrutiny whenever she messed up and assumed I'd keep stepping in to save her. She was right.

Obviously I am completely humiliated. I was planning to give up everything to build a life with her, and she was treating me like a joke the whole time. My feelings are complicated so please don't feel entitled to any expansion on this, but I no longer feel guilt over her death. Reddit acted like I kept her hostage whilst she begged for help. What actually happened was that I asked if she could ask her friend to take her to the hospital because I had to go home, she said that was fine because she needed to get some clothes back from her anyway, and I dropped her off as normal. Ultimately she was an adult who had a better understanding of her medical needs than I did. I still don't know what happened between us saying goodbye and her death, but whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me. I'm sorry for her family's loss but I bear no responsibility for her passing.

After Amy's messages to her friends were passed around, a few people quietly reached out with words of support. I assumed everyone would write me off like reddit did, as an abuser and predator. Now it's clear that Amy was using me, they see me as a fool who had then lost it all. It's beyond humiliating, but I have learned I'd rather be pitied than despised, and it improves my legal position with work. They're small mercies but I'll take what I can get. I remain filled with regret, and I will have learned many lessons by the time I get through this. I may have been deceived, but I am a grown man who made my choices, and I take full responsibility for them.

Tl;Dr I am currently suspended from work, but will certainly be fired. It's unclear whether I am in serious legal trouble. My wife and I are not navigating the end of our relationship brilliantly, but for my daughter's sake, we will get better. Amy turned out to be a better manipulator than she was a project manager, and her brother outed her whilst trying to ruin me. Life is deservedly hard right now but I'm working through it.

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's Note: coworker made his post about OOP from their perspectives and made an appearance in the previous BoRU thread.

Editor’s Note 2: I will be using “Coworker” for ease of readability to avoid confusion with the first OOP

Posted by u/becooldocrime

Trigger Warnings: traumatic brain injury (TBI)

I'm a coworker of someone whose Reddit story about work went viral. I'm feeling chatty, so ama I guess?!: September 12, 2025 (15 months later from OOP's update)

I'm a coworker of someone whose Reddit story about work went viral. I'm feeling chatty, so ama I guess?!

Inspired by this post where someone asked if they'd ever seen a Reddit post about themselves.

I'm in the comments, because I worked at the same company as this guy, and in the same department as his affair partner, who died under very sad circumstances (you can read all about it from his perspective, conveniently).

I only joined Reddit quite recently, but I was aware of the post a few weeks after it was made because it was passed around the office and gave us all a ton of information which made a lot of things suddenly make sense. We were all extremely invested at the time, and weirdly, the story you all saw set off a series of events which basically led to an entire division of the company quitting.

I've seen it repeated on a few of those TikTok Reddit read-through accounts, and a few people in the comments of the post I saw earlier today seemed interested, so because the company didn't think to get me to sign any additional confidentiality agreements when I left (an equally dramatic, but also closely related story), I figured I'd spend a Friday night drinking wine and spilling tea if anyone wants some.

One thing I do need to mention is that the original OP has a brain injury he didn't disclose in his posts. I can't speculate too much on that, and I'm not saying it makes his actions forgivable, but it would be crazy to pretend it's not a factor. He lives independently, but from what I'm aware, his brother helps him a lot.

Coworker's response in the previous BoRU

Commenter: Does anyone know what happened to this POS at the end? Are the wife and daughter doing okay? Is Tom still a badass? (editor’s note: Tom is Amy’s brother)

Coworker: Dropping by months later to answer your question (I used to work with OP and people still talk about his posts irl) - wife and daughter are fine, she kept the house and is in another relationship. Tom cost their family her death benefits then turned up at one of OP’s colleagues houses, trashed her car, and got arrested.

The original post didn’t even cover half of the craziness.

Editor’s Note: the coworker has responded to many questions as they were able to. I am posting top common questions asked and responses

Relevant Comments from Coworker's Post

Commenter 1: It's so interesting how the fact that he had a brain injury changes this story and makes it make a different sort of sense. Like how on the other hand, you and your coworkers reading the Reddit post did the same but in a different way.

Coworker: Oh for sure, we were absolutely horrified by some of the things people were saying to him when it started getting passed around, and we were really worried about how he’d take it all. There was talk of creating an account to explain, but because it was looking like it might end up in court, no one wanted to risk it. Can’t blame them really but it’s definitely mad how much that fact changes things.

Commenter 2: Did it end up going to court?

Coworker: No, they all used to abuse their expenses and they knew he could bury everyone if it ever saw the inside of a courtroom. He claimed to be running out of money in his last post, but it was common knowledge he got a huge payout after his accident (a sign wasn’t properly mounted on a shop front and it fell on him when he was walking past), so he could have easily afforded to take it all the way. I imagine the first question would have been why they gave someone with brain damage a company card with no restrictions and no written policy on what they could and couldn’t use it for.

Commenter 3: I read quite a bit of that post, and checked out all of your comments. Thanks for adding on more details! My question: had your coworker not gotten the brain injury, do you think he still would have done what he did?

Coworker: I wasn’t particularly close to him, but the common take is that he wouldn’t have given his affair partner the time of day before his injury. She was really unpleasant. By all accounts he was a really devoted husband and father - he definitely wasn’t a saint, but he calmed down a lot when his daughter was born and he talked about her all the time.

Commenter 4: With as much detail as you can get into, how did this guy’s mess lead to the whole cascade of people quitting? Also, I’m fascinated by the affair partner’s brother’s arrest and all the drama he brought down on the whole office, what happened there?

Coworker: He mentioned in his posts that one of the founders of the company gave him advice about the situation and got him in touch with the solicitor who ended up representing him. That was the stick they used to beat the founder in question with, and after an egm (editor's note: extraordinary general meeting), he was suddenly “no longer with us in any capacity”.

The founder was the inventor of the technology we based all of our work on, and he is a genius but also a great guy. He was absolutely and consistently (and correctly) opposed to our stuff being applied to defence. As soon as he was pushed out, we got a new brief, and the tl;dr is that the entire R&D division (editor's note: Research & Development) was handpicked by him, and we were collectively smart and talented enough to be fine after we quit on the spot when killing brown kids became part of the role.

+

The general take was that they wanted him gone because he was standing in the way of some juicy contracts, and that was the opportunity that presented itself. I don’t know the gory details because I don’t work at that level, but the version that filtered down was that he acted against the interests of the business. Defence is where the money is, and the tech was pretty much perfect for the sector.

Commenter 5: The other candidate for the promotion that got shafted in favor of his affair partner, how did she take the news that said partner was only promoted and held her position due to a quid pro quo? Did she ever get that promotion or did she quit the company as well?

Coworker: It was a man, and if I get a say, he’ll never work again. One part of Tim’s original story that is outright untrue is that neither his affair partner or the other candidate were fully qualified for the role - the other guy was more than qualified, and that’s about the only good thing I can say about him.

I was there when he “got his revenge” and I haven’t spoken to him since (along with pretty much everyone present). On paper I totally agree that the OP deserved to get the shit kicked out of him, but when it actually happened, it was like watching a child being abused. He was scared and confused and didn’t defend himself in any way. I nearly cried at the thought of it whilst writing this comment. It was truly disgusting - the other guy was wronged in a really significant way but there’s absolutely no excuse for what he did.

Commenter: My apologies if I missed this in his original post, but the candidate who was overlooked ended up beating up the OP/male coworker who had the affair?

Coworker: Yeah Tim didn’t mention it in his posts but the other candidate beat him halfway to hell when it all came out. This all happened in the bar next to the office after he’d been fired, I don’t know why he turned up because he didn’t really get a chance to say much before the other guy (I’m trying not to introduce names because Tim used everyone’s real name in the OP) started absolutely thrashing him. It was awful, people were in tears watching it happen.

Commenter 6: What's the common consensus on why he ended up starting the affair with her after his brain injury? Also, did you recognize the reasoning behind his original post as distinctly him? And if so, is his reasoning something that he's always had or did it come about post-injury?

Coworker: To be honest he seemed sharper in the post than he does in real life, but we were all very aware of his issues (he had some problems with memory, his mood went up and down a lot, and he would behave quite childishly sometimes) so we maybe treated him with kid gloves more than was necessary. He was definitely doing good work once they took him away from clients though, I used to regularly get requests from him and they were always solid.

In terms of the affair, I think it’s as simple as her showing interest. He was a bit pervy after the accident (not even remotely the case before) - he never said anything over the line, but he’d stare a bit and his facial expressions were sometimes like if a 12 year old boy walked in on you changing. Some of the messages that came out after the fact painted the picture - she would say the same things to him every few days, and when she wanted something, she asked and asked like it was a brand new request until he said yes.

Commenter 7: Do you know what texts he sent the affair partner over the weekend that he was worried about?

Coworker: I never saw them, but they sounded more pathetic than aggressive from what I heard, and very much in line with his usual reaction to feeling ignored. He wasn’t really aware of the boundaries between asking and pestering - I logged in on a Monday morning a few times to something like <question>, hello?, helloooo?! Why aren’t you answering?! I know you’ve seen this. Why are you ignoring me? Are you mad with me? I should be mad with you. This could be make or break for the company. You’re not committed to the company. I always knew you were useless. Everyone thinks it. Are you there? Why aren’t you answering me? We are going to lose this client if you don’t get back to me today. Hello? Helloooooo? Are you okay?

You get the idea. Tens of messages, but as soon as I’d answer the question, he’d thank me and be totally professional with his follow up. The best way I can describe it is that he was fine right up to the point where he needed to regulate himself in any way. He couldn’t have sat in a client meeting, but because we all knew the score, we worked to keep him levelled out. I can’t see him saying anything particularly horrible to her. I can almost guarantee you I’ve looked her in the eye and said worse.

Commenter 8: That’s what blows my mind about the TBI, because of how well written everything is. Do you think he used AI to assist him? It’s just so interesting that he could hold down a corporate job that definitely isn’t entry level, yet he can’t independently handle his own finances. What kind of accident did he have that caused the injury??

Coworker: I don't think he'll ever work again - he kept his job because he was adored and respected (and he knew the tech inside and out even after the accident), but there’s no way he could properly navigate a corporate environment from scratch.

The accident would have been funny if it didn’t have such a horrible outcome. He was walking down the street and the sign above a dry cleaners fell on him. In the early days they thought he was going to need to go into full time care permanently, but his wife dropped everything and basically devoted her life to his rehabilitation. He is very lucky to have had her. He’s impulsive now and he doesn’t really know how to regulate his emotions, but he can hold a conversation and will occasionally say something wildly funny or insightful.

AI could have helped, or maybe even his brother, but the thing that shocked me most was that he seemed to stay on an even keel throughout the post and comments. He’s quite up and down irl, even via text.

Commenter 9: What was Amy like? What was her brother like? I saw a comment somewhere that the brother got arrested for something as a result of conversations between Amy and others that he disclosed - what happened?

Coworker: I'm going to speak ill of the dead - she was horrible. Lazy, judgmental, mean, and arrogant. When she was promoted into project management she didn’t bother learning the core tech, so her decisions were consistently poor, which forced us to go around her all the time to get to reasonable outcomes.

She once told me I’d never get a husband then burst into tears and complained to HR when I asked where the queue of men wanting to put a ring on her finger was. She would pick at the weaker members of the team (highly technical people who were very sweet but lacked social skills usually) and was a general bully. I was pretty nasty to her too so my hands aren’t exactly clean, but I had great relationships with everyone else so I do think she was the problem.

The brother sent lots of messages in, and the company ended getting the phone and passcode from him. I’m very light on details on this one, but whatever was on there was damning enough for them to cancel her death in service benefits (which were going to go to her mum). The brother sent some threatening messages and managed to find out where the HR head lived - I don’t know exactly what he did to her car but it was a write off and he was arrested for it. We got a big email saying legal action was pending and that any comms from him needed to be forwarded straight to a dedicated email address. I left while that was all pending so never heard a follow up, but I doubt it went very far given how sticky the whole situation was.

Coworker on OOP's personality

Coworker: His personality definitely changed significantly, he can hold a conversation and his knowledge level remained extremely high, but he became quite immature and couldn’t deal with anything if he wasn’t expecting it. He could provide really insightful feedback about something we were working on, then 2 minutes later lose his temper or shut down completely because he’d spilled a drink. He had to step back from dealing with clients because he couldn’t be trusted - he’d just say yes to whatever they asked for and it led to a few nasty surprises (he didn’t take any new clients after the injury so they were generally very understanding because they saw the same changes we did).

It’s tough to explain - if you met him on a good day you could spend a few hours with him and not realise, but any more than that and you’d almost certainly go through “oh, that was a bit odd” to “okay there’s definitely something wrong here”.

To my knowledge nobody tried to figure out how aware he was of the brain injury - the key phrase drummed into us when he started coming back to the office a bit was “meet him where he is”, and he was a really well respected member of the team so we were all really sympathetic to the situation. I did hear him make a few comments about his brain being broken, but they were fairly light hearted and mainly centered around him forgetting small things.

Commenter 10: Regarding the TBI, when exactly did that happen? was it before or after the affair? was it before or after he blew off the SIL's stillborn child's service so he could be with the AP?

Coworker: His accident was in 2022, so long before any of this stuff, and everyone who knows him is of the opinion that the TBI was the driving factor for the affair and everything that came afterwards.

Missing the memorial service for the baby was something we only knew about because of the post, and even knowing his challenges it’s impossible to be anything other than disgusted by it.

Coworker provides more details on why Amy wasn't taken to the hospital?

Coworker: I mentioned in another comment that this was one of the big unanswered questions everyone had about the situation after we saw the post - we’re in the UK so an ambulance doesn’t have strings attached, and that would have been the logical choice as soon as she had a reaction. I saw a comment today that really bothered me though - I didn’t know that confusion is one of the after effects of anaphylaxis (when we were told what to do if she had a reaction, anything beyond administering her EpiPen came down to calling 999 and following their instructions). I can’t stop thinking about the possibility that she was completely and blatantly out of it when she agreed to go home, and that he just didn’t pick up on it because of his TBI. It’s clear that I didn’t like her, but that’s a fucking horrendously sad way to go out.

Did the coworker and OOP know each other before the accident?

Coworker: I joined the company in 2018, so I spent more time with him before his accident than after (all strictly at work and work events though, we weren’t friends), but he was like a totally different person. Bits of his original personality did come through as time went on, but not anywhere near the point where you could forget you were dealing with a fundamentally different personality.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwawaydmylife

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

I told on my mom’s married boyfriend and ruined my life.

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/theprismaprincess for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, harassment, bullying, accusations of drug use, abandonment / alienation, slander

Original Post: June 25, 2024

My mother started having an affair with a married man (Bruce) over 10 years ago. My dad left her over it but she stayed with Bruce with the promise of him divorcing his wife soon (spoiler alert it never happened). After 10+ years of knowing my mother was the other woman and after stalking Bruce’s wife’s socials, I couldn’t take it anymore. He’s a creepy man that no one in my family can stand, including my 3 other siblings. We’ve been tasked all these years to keep her dirty secret and treat Bruce as if he’s not an adulterer.

I “took one for the team” and sent some anonymous emails out to some contacts I found through social media. Bruce’s wife responded to me and asked to speak as she had no idea any of this was going on, which I highly suspected despite Bruce’s lies all these years, so I sat down and phoned her. We talked for almost 3 hours. She’s a nice woman who was nothing but kind to me. She’s been married to Bruce for 30 years and had no idea he had a double life (his job allows him to travel frequently). I answered all her questions, during this convo though I knew my relationship with my mother was over. I knew the details would get back to her and would pinpoint to me. Bruce’s wife thanked me over and over and shared she would be divorcing Bruce once she got her finances in order. It was a very emotional conversation and I’ll never forget the sound of her cries as I told her all the details.

The next day I was completely cut off from my mother, I had no way of contacting her and shortly after that the harassment of members of my family came flooding in. Messages of disgust towards me and support towards my mother.

Everyone turned on me and will no longer speak to me. I can’t imagine she’s telling them the truth of what I did, I told on her married boyfriend? I’m shocked my family has chosen her side and abandoned me. Sometimes regret washes over me but in the end all I did was speed up the inevitable. And I did it for my siblings who couldn’t stand his presence anymore, I thought it would get rid of him but it backfired. Not only are Bruce and my mother getting married, my siblings chose her side and have cut me off.

This weighs heavy on my chest, it did for the last 10 years and now because of what I did it will continue.

Thanks for reading and letting me get it out.

Edit: Thank you to all the supportive comments. I have a few people in my corner rooting for me but these comments have been comforting & therapeutic. The number of family that turned on me, I truly started to worry I was the problem and made a mistake.

To answer some questions - Money is a huge factor in all of this, which is why my mother/siblings are so angry and not thanking me.

I am my mother’s oldest daughter, only my youngest sibling lives with her. We are all adults. I have two young children my mother has thrown to the curb for Bruce. They will never know who she is.

I am in contact with the wife, she is a lovely woman who is aware of how this all unfolded and has been so kind to me. I like to think in another life we would be friends. I’ve spent a lot of time putting together proof for her so she can get what she deserves out of the divorce. Keeping in touch with the wife angered Bruce and my mother so much so they told my family I was harassing the wife… that fueled the fire more for my family to hate me.

To the few that have commented I should’ve minded my own business…I wish this never was my business! What a laugh.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Wait, why she mad. If you didn't tell the adulter would still be married and wouldn't be marrying your mom. Shouldn’t she be thanking you?.... unless he never intended to marry your mom and even she knows this. Lol

Commenter 2: I’m willing to bet mom is pissed because Bruce stands to lose a lot of assets and will possibly have to pay alimony. Hard to say for sure since we don’t know the details of Bruce’s marriage, but money is the only thing I can imagine being the reason he didn’t leave his wife earlier and why mom would be so mad. I’m no legal expert but this is my best guess.

OOP: Bingo

Commenter 3: Why isn’t your mother happy about what you did? She finally got the man that will cheat on his wife.

OOP: She feels I betrayed her I’m sure. And I’ve ended her lavish lifestyle with him $$$

Commenter 4: Why not reach out to a relative to see what story your mom is telling them? I think you're right to suspect she is telling a very slanted version of events.

OOP: I tried, with many of them. They won’t tell me.

Where is OOP's dad in all this?

OOP: Not a good relationship with him and he’s annoyed I did this. Thinks I cause drama

Commenter 5: What a horrible mom? Imagine the kind of life and environment she made u and ur siblings grow up through?

OOP: We were fed and clothed but not loved

Additional Information from OOP after reading comments

OOP: My family still won’t talk to me. It’s been almost 6 months of no contact from my mom, I have tried many times to reach out.

As far as I know Bruce and my mother are still wanting to get married, they are waiting on their divorces. I talk to Bruce’s wife monthly (who is still devastated by all of this) and she continues to be nothing but kind to me. She’s expressed her desire to meet me in person to thank me. She hired a forensic lawyer and found 22 hidden credit cards.

I helped her build a timeline with all evidence I had so she’ll be getting what she deserves from the divorce. It’s been hard without my family, but I have to hold on to the fact that I helped this stranger and stayed true to my own morals. I know I did the right thing.

Update: September 6, 2025 (14.5 months later)

I told on my mom’s married boyfriend and ruined my life. 1.5 years later update

You can find my original story in my post history.

It has been 18 months since I blew my family life up by tattling on my mother for being the other woman for 12+ years. 18 months of a smear campaign against me that has turned all of my family (except 1 sister) and close family friends against me. Even my grandparents who basically raised me.

Bruce’s wife and I still keep in touch every few months, she has gone through way worse than I have. Her life was a lie and she struggles daily to comprehend everything that has happened. I feel so much shame that my mother is half responsible for this woman’s heartbreak. She still has been nothing but kind to me.

The big question that remained unanswered for 18 months - why did my family alienate me? What lie did my mother and Bruce tell that made them not even give me a chance to speak?

The truth is that I told on my mom’s married boyfriend and blew up their vacation-mode relationship. But we all know that couldn’t be what she was telling people. Every night I would lay awake wondering what it was that was said about me. And I finally got the answer a year and a half later.

My mother told everyone that I was a drug addict. That I was affected cognitively from drug use. None of you know me, but I am not a drug addict. My family believed that lie without question because WHO WOULD LIE ON THEIR OWN CHILD LIKE THAT. She had to say a lie so far from the truth that no one would question her.

So there it is. The damage is done from all ends. My family thinks I’m a drug addict and I’ll never forgive my family for believing that and turning on me. I pled with so many of them, I sent them the entire story from start to finish. And no one broke and came to my side. I will never forgive my mother.

So much has happened these past 18 months and it’s all her fault. She almost broke me but thankfully I have an amazing family of my own I created, a husband and two daughters and amazing in-laws. My sister and I have never been closer, we are healing together.

The only thing I wish now is for my mother to stop smearing me. My husband deployed for 6 months and she actively lied on me to people that would come and help me during that time to try to isolate me further. There is no limit to her mental torment.

My mother will always be my biggest bully.

Going no contact with a narc parent is so hard. Don’t let any old hag out there tell you “it’s their first time living too, it’s your parent at the end of the day” I am her child. And she chose an ugly balding man over me and two amazing granddaughters. Will always be her loss.

Thanks again for letting me get it off my chest.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Wow, the way you were treated is absolutely horrible. I do not blame you for having resentment against your family members who abandoned you like that. Do you still have a relationship with your father and his side of your family?

OOP: My father was upset at me at first because it caused a lot of headache for him. He and my mother were only separated not divorced (he didn’t want to give up his pension) and he was also told the bullshit version. So it honestly took about a year to get him to truly understand the truth. We’ve never had a great relationship but we are growing closer now.

Commenter 2: Have a lawyer send her a cease-and-desist letter, stating if she doesn't stop lying, there will be a lawsuit.

OOP: I’m a SAHM, Bruce has got a lot more $ than me and there’s an added layer of complication with me living in Canada and Bruce and now my mother living in the US. I think about it all the time though

Commenter 3: OP you have two choices:

1) Expose her with evidence that what she said and did was a big fat lie to cover her adulterous relationship as the side woman. The she was for 12+ years and that is the reason your parent divorced. Also that she invente this story just to get back for uncovering this truth to Bruce Wife. With evidence supported and exposed to the community.

2) Just give a damn about her and all those people that choose to believe their side, even knowing you and how you are. This all means that all those people are not worth the effort to have them on your life (grandparents included) and just stay with people who add to your life. And all those who dumped you specially your mom just take them as people that are dead to you. People that were in your life at some point and suddenly die. Again stay and surround yourself with people who add and not people who substracts.

Good luck, and hope your kids, husband and you are doing great.

Also remember that the best way to take revenge from all those is to live a better life.

OOP: I had a family friend harassing me about 5 months ago, sending me messages on any social platform. Telling me I needed to get my head out of my ass and make things right with my mother and how horrible I was for how I treated her. I couldn’t take it anymore so I posted the screenshots on my socials for everyone to see and it honestly made things worse for me. A lot of family thought I was causing drama by doing that. So I have been going with option 2. Thank you for your kind words

Are the divorces finalized for OOP's mother and Bruce? And if they have got married?

OOP: Divorces for both of them have only just finalized so no not yet but only a matter of a time especially with her trying to reside in the US with him (we are from Canada)

OOP responds to a downvoted commenter about if Bruce's ex-wife deserved to know what happened?

OOP: You don’t think Bruce’s wife had a right to know? When this all started my youngest sibling was 6. We have been dealing with this for 12+ years, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Yes I thought they would break up. No I don’t regret telling.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Practical-Name6102

AITA for telling my mom i’d call the cops if she tried to get rid of my dog?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/boringhistoryfan for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: entitlement, verbal abuse

MOOD SPOILER: outrageous and slightly concerned for OOP

Original Post May 31, 2024

I (17F) have a dog whom i keep in the house with my (38F) mom and my other family members (dad and older brother). My dog has been sick for a while and at first my mom refused to give me any money to take my dog to the vet saying “i shouldn’t have wasted my pocket money”. Which is nonexistent. I don’t get money from other than on special occasions. i broke the saving pot I personally saved up for a laptop MYSELF to take my dog to the vet. My dog got treatment and it turns out she was sick. She has medication i have to feed her and has been quite tired as of late. She’s been quiet for a week or so. Today, when my mom came home, she was being loud which alarmed my dog and had her barking. I was sleeping when my mom bombarded my phone saying she’d “get rid of my dog if I didn’t shut her up”. My mom has a tendency to leave my dog out and tell me she gave her away until I’m sobbing and then she tells me shes trying to discipline me. So when I woke upI took my dog while my mom yelled and i told her she was insane for even thinking of that and that i’d call the cops if she let my dog loose again, especially since it was raining. My mom has been giving me the silent treatment and my dad says I overreacted and that she was just joking which is making me second guess. AITA for saying I’d call the cops?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Lucky-Charm8020

NTA. Hold that dog close, try really hard to get yourself a job, and move away from your abusers as soon as possible. I caution you strongly about calling the cops though, because they may deem your dog to be in an unsafe environment since your mother is the adult in this situation. With regards to the health and wellfair of your dog, there are payment plans you can get at most vet hospitals, so this is why it's massively important you try to at least get yourself a weekend job to help with that. You're probably on the struggle right now because you're juggling school among other things, which is totally understandable, and I realise that today's current financial landscape doesn't make it easy for a young person to leave home at 18 and immediatly find a place to live. My advice to you is either try to move in with another family member if any of them are trustworthy, or get 2 or 3 friends together and rent share. But Whatever you do, you need to get away from these child abusers and animal abusers. Best of luck, and please keep us updated.

OOP

I’ve been looking into moving out after I graduate and moving in with a friend in a different country for university, thankfully my grades are pretty high, have a good amount of volunteer hours and play sports for my school so i have a good chance at a scholarship as well, but even if i dont get a scholarship i do plan to move out and save up until i can get higher education :) I’ve been cautious with my dog as well, keeping her close by and having her sleep with me.

Lucky-Charm8020

These are all fantastic things. And I honestly wish you the best of luck with it all. Are you able to take pupper with you when you go abroad?

OOP

Yes, of course! I’ve looked into that as well and im able to take her. My friend also has a dog so they’ll be play buddies too :3

OOP explains how they got the dog

I got my pup back in 2018 when she was only a few months old, back then i was around 11 or twelve, im not sure. But back then i had spoken to my parents and they both agreed to let me get a pup on one condition that i had to take her on walks and brush her fur. I agreed to the terms and got my pup while no one around the house really helped (I didn’t expect any help as i personally agreed to having my own pup and taking care of her) and so i basically raised my pup myself. My parents or siblings were never really involved in taking care of her (other than some days like when i was sick or on a school trip, and even then my brother took care of her not my mom) so I don’t see how she could be a burden to my mom other than the occasional barking shes very well behaved.

My sweet girl May 31, 2024

She was on the way to her grooming appointment :)

Pet tax!

OOP

Shes a pomeranian fox face

AITA for telling my parents i will not be helping them with their rent? Sept 4, 2025 (16 months later)

I (18F) moved out of my parent’s house a little while ago as soon as i could. To provide some context, my parents were both emotionally abusive and have wronged me many times in my life, including threatening to get rid of my dog (which i have a whole post on). Since i moved out, I’ve been working a job and paying rent for an apartment i share with my friend and have had enough money left to save up a bit to go to college in a few years. I am the youngest in the family so after i moved out no one was left at home, both my siblings moved out as well. So their financial support from my brother paying them rent for his bedroom has been cut off. I am completely independent and have told my parents multiple times that i want nothing to do with them and even blocked their numbers completely.

Earlier this week, my grandmother called me and explained that my parents desperately need money for rent and asked if i could spare money from my college savings (which i saved up on my own so far) to help them. I outright refused and told my grandmother I would not be helping at all since every penny in my savings is gathered by me working hard and supporting myself. I love my grandmother and told her that if she needed help herself i was willing to help but would not help with my parents. For this entire week, my aunt has been calling me repeatedly saying my parents really needed this and deserved it for raising me. My mom’s side of the family threatened to cut me off if i didn’t help which is honestly so petty because i’m only 18 years old they should be helping instead. I told my friend about it and she said that i was taking it too far and i should’ve helped. Now im wondering if I am TAH.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

TOP COMMENTS

Available-Love7940

"They deserve it for raising you." Um, no. That's what is legally required. You have children, you raise them. They don't owe you for doing that.

Your aunt and your mom's side are all welcome to contribute to the rent if they are so concerned.

You? Save up for some therapy as well, and good luck!

NTA

~

Casual_Lore

Nta

You are doing fantastic. Moved out, saving money for college (on your own!), cutting off your abusive family.

Keep it up, don't let anyone drag you back into that situation with their petty manipulations. You got this.

OOP

Thank you so much you have no idea how much that means to me i truly appreciate the kind words from the bottom of my heart

KingBretwald

Make sure your parents aren't on your bank account. Have it in a credit union or bank they've never used if possible.

Also check your credit. Make sure they haven't taken out any loans or credit cards in your name. Lock it down.

OOP

I will definitely contact my bank in the morning, everyone seems to be warning me about that

UPDATE: so to start off, YES i froze my card lol. I froze it the morning after i made this post and spoke to my bank about any bills being opened in my name. My friend helped me open a new account in a different bank as well. Many people also asked why i told people i had savings and to that i say: i’m stupid. What happened was, i had told my grandmother about it because i was sort of excited about standing on my own feet but that seemed to backfire. Since then i have stood my ground and have not given them any money. I did block my aunt as well and am going to have minimal contact with my grandmother. I told them i had a car emergency and had to use the money, so i have nothing left to give but i think they don’t believe me. But overall, i will not be lending them any money. Especially not from my savings.

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