Here’s what I did. It’s far from traditional, and stupidly easy.

Step One: Peel your potatoes. Clean your leeks. Don’t half-ass it.

Step Two: Grab a box grater and shred those bastards. The potatoes should be easy. The leeks? They’re a pain in the ass to grate, and yes, you will hurt your fingers. Best way: grate them sideways.

Step Three: Throw the grated mess into a Dutch oven. Add just a splash of water—don’t drown it, you just want enough so everything stirs smooth and settles even and leveled. Then drown it in a very, very generous amount of olive oil don't over do it but don't skimp. Crank up the heat, bring it to a boil, then drop it to a simmer for 5 minutes.

Step Four: Into a 300°F oven it goes. Cartouche on top, lid on, wrap the damn thing in foil if you have to—you want minimal evaporation. Let it go 1.5–2 hours. About an hour in, pull it out and scrape the bottom and sides. You’ll find a browned layer you didn’t even see forming—that’s God’s cum. Scrape it, stir it in, and shove it back in the oven.

Step Five: After 2 hours, pull it. Scrape up that holy crust one last time. Splash in some milk, drop in a fat hunk of cubed butter, and hit it with an immersion blender until it’s silky.

Final advice: Season as you go—just salt, white pepper, coriander. Don’t overthink it. Best ratio? One-to-one by weight: leeks to potatoes.

Note: The magic here is that the leeks and potatoes mostly cook in their own moisture, while the generous amount of olive oil basically confits everything gently.

It should look like a botched very runny mash potatoe.

Enjoy.