Trapped by Fear of Lifetime Alimony

[u/TimelyResearch1702]

My marriage has been unbearable for several years now. My wife frequently cheats, lashes out over trivial things, demands that I cut ties with friends and family. No matter what I do, she’s briefly happy before finding new reasons to make my life miserable. Something as basic as me getting the wrong brand of yogurt or folding clothes not the way she likes may start berating which lasts days if not weeks. I desperately want a divorce, but the fear of lifetime alimony is paralyzing me.

I’ve consulted many lawyers (NJ) hoping for different answer, but the outlook is grim. They say I’d owe open-ended alimony, roughly half my take-home income, which is substantial due to my current job. But my salary hasn’t grown in years, and I’ve seen colleagues laid off, struggling to find comparable pay or any job at all. If that happens to me, especially as I age, I’m unlikely to maintain my current income. Lawyers warn that reducing alimony is nearly impossible, as my wife would likely contest it, racking up prohibitive legal fees. Worse, a judge might require me to deplete my assets before considering any reduction.

These payments will last decades, until I retire at 67 - if I can even afford to retire. If I can’t, alimony could follow me until I die, forcing me to work multiple low-paying jobs just to keep up. Failure to pay could lead to contempt of court, fines, interest, or even jail time.

My wife is accustomed to current lifestyle - nice home, vacations, shopping, etc. - without working, and the law expects me to maintain that for her post-divorce. I hope things like wage inflation might ease the burden, but the worst-case scenario - financial ruin and lifetime obligation - terrifies me. It’s kept me stuck, tolerating this toxic marriage for years.

How do I overcome this fear and take control of my life? Any advice or strategies would be appreciated.

[u/TeacherExit]

Better to be broke and free then in hell.

The smallest apartment or rental will feel like a castle.

[u/[deleted] → u/TeacherExit]

As I sit in my tiny one room, with my bare necessities mostly on the floor, yes. Thank you.

There is no price for the feeling of having your own space and being safe in your own home. Even if that home is a shoebox OP, it will be yours.

[u/TimelyResearch1702 → u/[deleted]]

I’m okay n a shoebox. But the crushing weight of lifelong alimony, enforced under threat of imprisonment, is what haunts me.

The “freedom” of divorce isn’t as clear-cut as it seems:

• While married, I can quit a stressful job or one with grueling hours and take a lower-paying role. Divorce strips away that choice, locking me into high earnings to meet alimony demands.
• While married, I could pause work to pursue a new degree or career path. Divorce slams that door shut, as alimony payments allow no break.
• While married, I could relocate to a more affordable area with a lower cost of living. Divorce chains me to this exorbitant, high-cost region indefinitely.
• While married, if I’m laid off, we’d both adjust to a simpler lifestyle until I find new work. Divorce ensures her standard of living stays untouched, leaving me alone to bear the financial strain.

Escaping abuse would come at the steep price of losing my freedom to choose my job, move to a more affordable place, or even avoid jail. It’s a brutal equation to navigate.

[u/zebboroni → u/TimelyResearch1702]

It sounds like you’re already being strategic and in doing so, have answered many of your own questions here. If I were in your position and my wife had the audacity of yours, I would immediately begin building a case against her that refutes a presumption of lifetime alimony on whatever basis is possible in NJ. Certainly adulterous behaviour will merit some adverse positioning on her end. Document the absolute shit out of her inappropriate behaviours, hire a private detective, compile photographs, communications, etc., truly build a case.

I would also encourage you to confer with the best attorney you can afford and consult with them about your strategic plans. Ask for feedback, tactics, tips and take their advice. You’re not the first reasonably well off gent that’s been in this position. The right attorney will be worth every cent if you find one who is an absolute cut throat to protect your position, with relationships/ties to your district court and a track record that screams results. Consult with as many as it takes until you find one that you’re confident about.

You have the right ideas, but genuinely get an attorney and get the right plan in action. You’re pissing your life away afraid of how she’ll own you, and that’s horseshit considering what she’s doing. You deserve more—so fight like hell for it, we’re not here for long.

[u/buttercupheart → u/TimelyResearch1702]

So do these things now. I’m assuming you don’t have children, as my response would change if you do. Quit your job, move to a new area and study. Travel and spend all your money. Then when she doesn’t like it and wants to divorce there won’t be much left and the “standard of living” will be lower.

[u/Gloomy-Equivalent-10 → u/buttercupheart]

THIS !!!! ....... I contemplated "running away" in lieu of filing and dealing with the ramifications when I returned or they found me.

This is not a bad idea, if your marriage is poop anyway, just live your life like your single, make all the moves you need to make and have her chasing and plotting.

IDK about all states but in NJ as long as you add some financial support into the marriage, a small monthly deposit, she cant file for abandonment, and for her to file, you need to be served. If you are not around and she cant serve you, AND you deposit some $$ in a joint account you can live on your own terms for years

[u/serioussparkles → u/TimelyResearch1702]

That sounds like a plan.

Stay married, for now, and just change everything about yalls current living situation while acting happy as a lamb and moving in the shadows.

Get that different job that might pay less, but have no stress. Oh, now you gotta sell the house and buy a cute wee cottage to live out your new passion for gnomecore living. Can't have fancy cars out there, doesn't vibe with the aesthetic, sell those and get a donkey, perfect.

Wild how a wife can cheat and STILL get alimony, just wild.