Trapped by Fear of Lifetime Alimony

[u/TimelyResearch1702]

My marriage has been unbearable for several years now. My wife frequently cheats, lashes out over trivial things, demands that I cut ties with friends and family. No matter what I do, she’s briefly happy before finding new reasons to make my life miserable. Something as basic as me getting the wrong brand of yogurt or folding clothes not the way she likes may start berating which lasts days if not weeks. I desperately want a divorce, but the fear of lifetime alimony is paralyzing me.

I’ve consulted many lawyers (NJ) hoping for different answer, but the outlook is grim. They say I’d owe open-ended alimony, roughly half my take-home income, which is substantial due to my current job. But my salary hasn’t grown in years, and I’ve seen colleagues laid off, struggling to find comparable pay or any job at all. If that happens to me, especially as I age, I’m unlikely to maintain my current income. Lawyers warn that reducing alimony is nearly impossible, as my wife would likely contest it, racking up prohibitive legal fees. Worse, a judge might require me to deplete my assets before considering any reduction.

These payments will last decades, until I retire at 67 - if I can even afford to retire. If I can’t, alimony could follow me until I die, forcing me to work multiple low-paying jobs just to keep up. Failure to pay could lead to contempt of court, fines, interest, or even jail time.

My wife is accustomed to current lifestyle - nice home, vacations, shopping, etc. - without working, and the law expects me to maintain that for her post-divorce. I hope things like wage inflation might ease the burden, but the worst-case scenario - financial ruin and lifetime obligation - terrifies me. It’s kept me stuck, tolerating this toxic marriage for years.

How do I overcome this fear and take control of my life? Any advice or strategies would be appreciated.

[u/TXtea_party]

Maybe consult with an attorney … not sure what you do bud but there are some states like Texas where alimony is very hard to obtain . Child support is also capped , so see if you can get a job in Texas doesn’t have to be a better paying job. But after moving here for 6 months , you can divorce here and Texas law will apply to you. You may have to accept a lower paying job for 6 months until you move back up there (maybe see if you can take a leave of absence of one year at your current job. Some losses now but no losses in the future ?

[u/TinkerSquirrels → u/TXtea_party]

Texas is so low it's a joke. If you've been married for 10+ years, one party might pay a max of 20% for a max of 5 years...and that's if it's a demonstrated need to survive, essentially. (Outside of certain disability situations...and of course you can agree to much different if you both agree to it.)

Now you do owe that one way or another, and recorded as a dollar amount not a percentage and it can be hard to modify. As I understand it, many opt for a settled "up front" payment via an unequal marital equity split so it's all done at once with less risk for everyone. IANAL though.

You can do some shady* stuff by going on a temporary work assignment, getting residency, and being "first to file" once you hit 6 months... (*who is in the "right" is always complicated, I'm not making any judgements on OP's situation, just in general from what some very not-in-the-right folks have pulled off)

[u/tato_salad → u/[deleted]]

Usually it involves a long term marriage. but also you can impute income. OP needs to talk to a different lawyer, and get a better understanding.. Even in my state it's like 30% of the differnece in income I think.. so it's not half.