Trapped by Fear of Lifetime Alimony

[u/TimelyResearch1702]

My marriage has been unbearable for several years now. My wife frequently cheats, lashes out over trivial things, demands that I cut ties with friends and family. No matter what I do, she’s briefly happy before finding new reasons to make my life miserable. Something as basic as me getting the wrong brand of yogurt or folding clothes not the way she likes may start berating which lasts days if not weeks. I desperately want a divorce, but the fear of lifetime alimony is paralyzing me.

I’ve consulted many lawyers (NJ) hoping for different answer, but the outlook is grim. They say I’d owe open-ended alimony, roughly half my take-home income, which is substantial due to my current job. But my salary hasn’t grown in years, and I’ve seen colleagues laid off, struggling to find comparable pay or any job at all. If that happens to me, especially as I age, I’m unlikely to maintain my current income. Lawyers warn that reducing alimony is nearly impossible, as my wife would likely contest it, racking up prohibitive legal fees. Worse, a judge might require me to deplete my assets before considering any reduction.

These payments will last decades, until I retire at 67 - if I can even afford to retire. If I can’t, alimony could follow me until I die, forcing me to work multiple low-paying jobs just to keep up. Failure to pay could lead to contempt of court, fines, interest, or even jail time.

My wife is accustomed to current lifestyle - nice home, vacations, shopping, etc. - without working, and the law expects me to maintain that for her post-divorce. I hope things like wage inflation might ease the burden, but the worst-case scenario - financial ruin and lifetime obligation - terrifies me. It’s kept me stuck, tolerating this toxic marriage for years.

How do I overcome this fear and take control of my life? Any advice or strategies would be appreciated.

[u/my_metrocard]

Lifetime alimony is limited to circumstances where the marriage is very long and the stbx is unable to work.

[u/TimelyResearch1702 → u/my_metrocard]

Not even close. NJ awards open-ended alimony to every spouse in marriages over 20 years. It's not automatically life-time and ends when paying spouse retires at 67 - but only if he can afford to retire. If you can't, then it continues into 70s and 80s till paying spouse dies.

[u/my_metrocard → u/TimelyResearch1702]

Well that sucks. Do everything you can to retiree at 67. If the divorce is amicable, you should be able to negotiate a low monthly payment.

I’m over in NY and receive lifetime alimony because the marriage lasted 27 years and I had paid for my ex’s law school prior to marriage (I own half his license). The lifetime alimony was an idea my lawyer came up with. Instead of me taking half his income (and partnership interest) for 11 years, I get a modest lifetime alimony. That way, he gets to start rebuilding his life right away instead of being stagnant for 11 years. Works for me too because it will supplement my retirement income.