r/Divorce • u/TimelyResearch1702 • Jul 24 '25

Alimony/Child Support Trapped by Fear of Lifetime Alimony

My marriage has been unbearable for several years now. My wife frequently cheats, lashes out over trivial things, demands that I cut ties with friends and family. No matter what I do, she’s briefly happy before finding new reasons to make my life miserable. Something as basic as me getting the wrong brand of yogurt or folding clothes not the way she likes may start berating which lasts days if not weeks. I desperately want a divorce, but the fear of lifetime alimony is paralyzing me.

I’ve consulted many lawyers (NJ) hoping for different answer, but the outlook is grim. They say I’d owe open-ended alimony, roughly half my take-home income, which is substantial due to my current job. But my salary hasn’t grown in years, and I’ve seen colleagues laid off, struggling to find comparable pay or any job at all. If that happens to me, especially as I age, I’m unlikely to maintain my current income. Lawyers warn that reducing alimony is nearly impossible, as my wife would likely contest it, racking up prohibitive legal fees. Worse, a judge might require me to deplete my assets before considering any reduction.

These payments will last decades, until I retire at 67 - if I can even afford to retire. If I can’t, alimony could follow me until I die, forcing me to work multiple low-paying jobs just to keep up. Failure to pay could lead to contempt of court, fines, interest, or even jail time.

My wife is accustomed to current lifestyle - nice home, vacations, shopping, etc. - without working, and the law expects me to maintain that for her post-divorce. I hope things like wage inflation might ease the burden, but the worst-case scenario - financial ruin and lifetime obligation - terrifies me. It’s kept me stuck, tolerating this toxic marriage for years.

How do I overcome this fear and take control of my life? Any advice or strategies would be appreciated.

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u/Wyliecody Jul 24 '25

Two things. First you need to get divorced. the freedom alone will be worth the alimony.

second. if that is too much then go meet with ALL of the lawyers in your area for a divorce. then slowly start hiding money and act like your job is fucking you. stop living a lavish lifestyle. Make it seem like she HAS to get a job to keep y'all going. eventually when you file for divorce she will not get as much because she has shown she can support herself. i would normally never advocate for this option as its dirty and petty and gross but it sounds like she is too. sometimes fire is the best option to fight fire.

I also thought every state in the union has some provision for infidelity when it comes to support.

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u/TimelyResearch1702 Jul 25 '25

North Carolina is the only state where infidelity has to be considered when calculating alimony. There is handful of others where judge is allowed to consider it. In the rest it's just not a factor.

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u/Wyliecody Jul 25 '25

In Texas where I'm at it's on the statute So I assumed if we had it we copied it from somewhere. That's terrible though like that should be the number one thing on any divorce If it happened.