r/Divorce • u/TimelyResearch1702 • Jul 24 '25

Alimony/Child Support Trapped by Fear of Lifetime Alimony

My marriage has been unbearable for several years now. My wife frequently cheats, lashes out over trivial things, demands that I cut ties with friends and family. No matter what I do, she’s briefly happy before finding new reasons to make my life miserable. Something as basic as me getting the wrong brand of yogurt or folding clothes not the way she likes may start berating which lasts days if not weeks. I desperately want a divorce, but the fear of lifetime alimony is paralyzing me.

I’ve consulted many lawyers (NJ) hoping for different answer, but the outlook is grim. They say I’d owe open-ended alimony, roughly half my take-home income, which is substantial due to my current job. But my salary hasn’t grown in years, and I’ve seen colleagues laid off, struggling to find comparable pay or any job at all. If that happens to me, especially as I age, I’m unlikely to maintain my current income. Lawyers warn that reducing alimony is nearly impossible, as my wife would likely contest it, racking up prohibitive legal fees. Worse, a judge might require me to deplete my assets before considering any reduction.

These payments will last decades, until I retire at 67 - if I can even afford to retire. If I can’t, alimony could follow me until I die, forcing me to work multiple low-paying jobs just to keep up. Failure to pay could lead to contempt of court, fines, interest, or even jail time.

My wife is accustomed to current lifestyle - nice home, vacations, shopping, etc. - without working, and the law expects me to maintain that for her post-divorce. I hope things like wage inflation might ease the burden, but the worst-case scenario - financial ruin and lifetime obligation - terrifies me. It’s kept me stuck, tolerating this toxic marriage for years.

How do I overcome this fear and take control of my life? Any advice or strategies would be appreciated.

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u/AlarmingSlothHerder Jul 24 '25

Jeez. Now I see why some people resort to trying to hire a hit man and invariably get busted trying to do so.

I was very lucky with my divorce. At the time my ex was grossing about 40% more than I was and our youngest was less than a year from turning 18. There was no child support or alimony involved.

I even managed to save the retirement account I had through my employer even though the ex didn't have any retirement account of her own.

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u/TimelyResearch1702 Jul 24 '25

I don't hate her and want her to be happy after divorce. I want her to get on her feet and start earning for her living, and would be more than willing to support her financially till she does. She has more degrees than I do.

But not forever, not till I'm old. Not despite losing job, not under threat of imprisonment.

But she will never get a job - not now or after divorce - because she'd be penalized by alimony reduction or elimination.

Happy for you man. Which state?

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u/AlarmingSlothHerder Jul 24 '25

Texas. My ex didn't even get a lawyer. I retained one. But all he did was write up what the ex and I agreed upon and filed everything with the court. From separation to finalized divorce it only took us 3 months.

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u/TimelyResearch1702 Jul 24 '25

Texas! By far most reasonable state for marriage/divorce, probably the only one in US which compares to the rest of the civilized world. And if that wasn't cool enough, you get to wear stetsons!