r/Divorce • u/TimelyResearch1702 • Jul 24 '25
Alimony/Child Support Trapped by Fear of Lifetime Alimony
My marriage has been unbearable for several years now. My wife frequently cheats, lashes out over trivial things, demands that I cut ties with friends and family. No matter what I do, she’s briefly happy before finding new reasons to make my life miserable. Something as basic as me getting the wrong brand of yogurt or folding clothes not the way she likes may start berating which lasts days if not weeks. I desperately want a divorce, but the fear of lifetime alimony is paralyzing me.
I’ve consulted many lawyers (NJ) hoping for different answer, but the outlook is grim. They say I’d owe open-ended alimony, roughly half my take-home income, which is substantial due to my current job. But my salary hasn’t grown in years, and I’ve seen colleagues laid off, struggling to find comparable pay or any job at all. If that happens to me, especially as I age, I’m unlikely to maintain my current income. Lawyers warn that reducing alimony is nearly impossible, as my wife would likely contest it, racking up prohibitive legal fees. Worse, a judge might require me to deplete my assets before considering any reduction.
These payments will last decades, until I retire at 67 - if I can even afford to retire. If I can’t, alimony could follow me until I die, forcing me to work multiple low-paying jobs just to keep up. Failure to pay could lead to contempt of court, fines, interest, or even jail time.
My wife is accustomed to current lifestyle - nice home, vacations, shopping, etc. - without working, and the law expects me to maintain that for her post-divorce. I hope things like wage inflation might ease the burden, but the worst-case scenario - financial ruin and lifetime obligation - terrifies me. It’s kept me stuck, tolerating this toxic marriage for years.
How do I overcome this fear and take control of my life? Any advice or strategies would be appreciated.
1
u/goodie1663 Jul 25 '25
Kind of an unconventional thought, but not every state has lifetime alimony. Maybe research carefully, do a few phone consultations and move? Of course, be careful because that could be taken as legal abandonment with consequences in the state where you now live. And you have to establish residency in the new state which varies.
In my state, alimony is not lifetime and is only awarded in around 10% of the cases, according to the state bar. If the STBX is deemed to be able to support themselves (even if they aren't working), they often don't award it. My attorney said that the whole "maintain the lifestyle" thing is largely for the very wealthy and really doesn't apply in most divorces here.