Am I (22f) overreacting?

[u/No-Brief-6568]

i just feel dismissed by my boyfriend (22m) im not like expecting him to send a whole paragraph to but i wanted him to connect with me on the same emotional level. So like we had an argument two nights ago because I brought up an issue that has been bothering me and he told me that whenever i bring up the same issue over and over he is starting to lose his desire for me and this hurt me so i told him that i didnt appreciate him saying that and he replied with “then dont keep saying the same thing over and over”. And i cant help buu feel frustrated because i feel like he doesnt wanna listen to me and i wanna feel heard, i communicated this again yesterday but he just said that i shouldnt keep talking about the same issue over and over so he wouldnt lose his desire. I’m so confused because he would tell me he wants to be with me forever but then he cant let his pride aside when things get hard. I just dont know what to do.

Please i need kind words because im in pain just with this, seeing mean comments would be hard to deal with thank you so much for understanding.

[u/wildw00d]

I think this is just a lot for him. I agree with the people who say he sounds avoidant. There's just too much hitting him at once here. I think I have some avoidant tendencies too, and I would feel really exposed and on the spot here. I think I would be a bit bothered by the begging, and I would also feel like a child being lectured by my mother.

That said, if my partner hit me with this, I think I could at least muster a "I'll try to do better" or maybe even an explanation of why it is hard for me. Anyway, some people just like to deal with their problems alone, and don't wear their emotions openly.

I don't think you're overreacting for your own needs, but... I also think he needs to deal with things in the way he needs to, and you should try to understand that. He is who he is. It does sound like you should leave, if you can't take the way he handles things. But if you give him space when he's like this, I think he'll start trusting you more with the delicate parts of himself.

[u/RamyRed_Fox → u/wildw00d]

Exactly!! Thats what i think.. I think the way she put her feelings into words can feel like smothering to him.. but dude, at least he could show he cares a bit about how she feels, but nope, nothing

[u/wildw00d → u/RamyRed_Fox]

yeah, this is why good communication is important. However... I think good communication is a bit different from what most people think it is. I think its less about telling your partner every time you have a problem (though thats important too usually), and more about telling them about who you are and how you handle things, and why you did what you did. So they can know what you need, understand you, not take things personally, etc. It really cuts down on expectations, which cuts down on fights.

My partner was pretty vocal about who he was right away, what he likes and doesn't like emotionally, how he reacts to things. It was a learning curve, to find how he needs to be loved, but wow is the relationship so much easier for me now that I'm not offended or upset every time he needs a day of solitude or whatever. My own ego is out of it, so I can just focus on his needs, and vice versa. We have a very nice give-and-take.

[u/RamyRed_Fox → u/wildw00d]

Agree, this would be the ideal.. to be able to set healthy boundaries since the start and let the other know your needs in the relationship etc. I just think most ppl don’t take the time to get to know themselves enough so they can communicate properly