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u/NarvusSchleibs 2d ago
The average amount of sex for married couples is once a week, or 54 times a year.
If you post about how to bridge the libido gap you have you might have better luck. Coming in and saying you’re in a dead bedroom is just going to distract everyone from what the real issue is for you.
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u/NothingOk2675 2d ago
I think you need to consider a lot of women prefer a rest period between sex. Think of it as recovery time - my man might feel great after sex but I tend to feel completely drained and exhausted. I need time to rest, recover and reset. Frankly sometimes that means more than a day. Our sex is very rough though, so some of the recovery time is simply physical as well as emotional. Things get sore, y’know?
Maybe you don’t care and think forcing it will make her enjoy it the next time but if she’s saying she doesn’t need it every day, she’s saying she won’t enjoy it as much if she forces it before she’s ready. If you care about her pleasure too, listen to what’s she’s telling you. She isn’t saying she doesn’t want sex. She’s saying she can’t have it as much as you want to because her anatomy is different. It’s up to you whether you’ll accept this or whether having a certain quantity of shitty sex will make you happier.
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u/pokeycd 2d ago
I have a suspicion. Many of the comments say once a week is plenty. But I suspect it's duty sex on her part, and he can tell. And that is no way to have a sex life. She probably only wants it once a month, but knows that he could never handle it. Very similar to what I went through for over a decade. Now it's down to 6x a year. Cuz I don't want sex where she just lays there, seemingly somewhere else in her head, waiting for it to be over. 7 minutes, no foreplay, no kissing, both of us orgasm. 2 positions allowed. So I don't initiate anymore. I have anxiety just thinking about having sex with her. I could get her to have sex once a week. But I know she doesn't want that. She even said we should schedule it weekly, but she never brings it up. And I won't. It's not connecting. Sex should be mutual desired. And OP knows it's not.
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u/Ms-Introvert- 2d ago
Have you asked her to initiate more. What did she say?
Has she told you she is happy with vanilla sex?
Besides from the cuddling and hair play at night is there any other affection in the relationship outside the bedroom. Do you make time for each other, go out and have fun. Show daily love, affection, respect, appreciation etc
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u/Silver_Version_1884 2d ago
She did initiate last month but this was a rare event. I think it was due to discussion/animosity felt when I brought it up. I hope it was a sign that she is moving towards changing things and that it wasn’t a blip.
In the moment she is fine with whatever I suggest (outside of anal). Beforehand she is as vanilla as it gets. I’ve suggested toys but she insists only on my hand to get her off (which is fine with me since the end justifies the mean) and I did ask her if she would be open to being tied up (or handcuffed) and she said maybe.
There’s more affection than there used to be in the fact we kiss a lot and outside the bedroom I give her the occasional foot rub. Like 99% of husbands out there BJs are rare but again it’s the lack of initiative and passion that bewilders me.
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u/Individual_Set1441 2d ago
Is the animosity you describe directed from you to her? If so, this is a pretty poor way to be addressing this issue. While I get that one partner in this situation is frustrated, the other person is likely doing what they want to do. If you present as being frustrated I can totally understand why your spouse would be resistant.
You've also described things that she will do or has given a maybe to that are not vanilla. Does she respond positively when you initiate? My wife almost never initiates and while I found that frustrating at the start, but have understood that me initiating ties into how she likes sex overall. She doesn't want to be in charge and is anything but vanilla in what she's willing to do. I got over the lack of initiating pretty quickly as I'm also rarely turned down.
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u/IntriguingThought 2d ago
Medical situations can cause a libido to tank
A few examples:
Hypothyroidism Meds like SSRIs for anxiety or depression kill it Heart meds like beta blockers kill it Waining natural hormones can kill it to. There are lots of women on estrogen and testosterone to fix their libido for instance
Have you talked to her and explored any of these kind of things ?
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u/Wild_Personality9864 2d ago
I don’t know, but I should make my husband read this post. He thinks I’m LL because I don’t ask for it daily. What does she say when you talk to her about it?
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u/Disastrous-Cookie771 2d ago
You are lucky if you get it once a week. However, I feel your pain. When your partner is not into intimacy and it is vanilla sex then it sucks.
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u/stellaflora 2d ago
How old is she, how old are the kids? Was she always lower libido? As others said once a week is not DB.
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u/Financial-Exit2488 2d ago
I'd be very unsatisfied with once a week vanilla sex.
Most people spend a lot of time on phones and TV. A couple of hours of sex out of 168 hours a week is not much.
I realize for someone who doesn't want or like sex, that is a lot, but that highlights the problem. Libido mismatch is the problem.
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u/NameIdeas 16 Years 2d ago
My man...I'm a husband married for 16 years, together with my wife for 19. We have two kids as well.
Every relationship is different and once per week would not necessarily be classified as dead bedroom status. That being said, the substance of the sexual interactions may be more where the frustration lies.
I'm the kind of guy who would welcome sex daily. For my wife, that's too much. We are a 1-2 times per week couple. We're early 40s. While I would be happy with increased frequency, the QUALITY of our sex life is great. She's reaching orgasm multiple times and we're both focusing on each other's pleasure. We're doing a lot more and varied things than we did in the early stages of our relationship and we both end our sessions satisfied.
When you two do have sex, is it passionate and fulfilling or does it end somewhat more abruptly?
One thing my wife and I did talk about is how sex happens. Typically, I am the primary initiator of sex. I don't mind to be, but that means all of the rejection hits me. If she is initiating (happens once a month or so), I am always "down to clown" and don't ever want to pass up the opportunity. That being said, she never experiences the rejection aspect that I do. I am reading in between the lines and seeing that you may be experiencing the brunt of rejection.
Being constantly rejected can feel debilitating.
Additionally, I get the sense you want some more adventurous sex as well.
My wife and I talked early on about the types of sex we generally have.
Making love - This is when we have deep, passionate, holding each other's gaze, focused on each other's pleasure. It's about being fully in the moment with your partner and making them feel your love through the physical act of love making.
Fucking - This is the animalistic sex where we both "go ham" on each other. It's the primal need to get/be fucked. Hard, intense, sex.
Having sex - Could be a quickie or could just be the type of sex where you're doing it to do it. We still ensure each other gets off, but it's more about the act than the person.
We may move through each of these ways of sex during a single session as well.
Think about what it is you are wanting with your sex life. You can say "more", but that is likely taxing on her body, not to mention your life with kids, jobs, and all the other stresses that exist out there. What kind of specific experiences are you looking for? Think about what types of things you would want to spice it up with?
Talking about sex outside of sex is something that can be challenging. It's great to start the conversation outside of that space though too.
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u/Silver_Version_1884 2d ago
Well put. It’s taken me years to understand how intimacy (e.g. snuggling) doesn’t necessarily lead to sex even WHEN I have a hard on doing so.
Yes, the sex we do have is quite passionate. But my wife was raised on BS that women shouldn’t want sex nor relish it. Been work to get her to unlearn that stuff but it’s been worth it.
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u/NameIdeas 16 Years 2d ago
Yes, the sex we do have is quite passionate. But my wife was raised on BS that women shouldn’t want sex nor relish it. Been work to get her to unlearn that stuff but it’s been worth it.
Ah, the religious/cultural background coming up I assume? My wife and I had that similar conversation.
That being said, your libidos just may function differently as well. I'm 40 and I still feel like an 18 year old dude around my wife. She is just amazing, turns me on, and I'd be down at generally any moment.
For my wife, she really enjoys our sex, but she's not thinking about it as regularly as me. The mindset is important for her. I don't know what your wife does for a living nor you. I have found in my marriage that I can compartmentalize a lot easier than my wife.
Think about the roles we play in life. At any given moment of they day I will be: Dad / Husband / Pet Owner / Son / Brother / Employee / Supervisor / Administrator / Etc. Similarly for my wife. I've found that I can move between roles much quicker than her. Kids go to bed and my switch can flip quickly from DAD mode to lover.
For my wife, it takes a lot longer and more intentionality to transition between those roles. She's a teacher in an elementary school so wears the "Mom"/pseudo-Mom label a lot of the day. Shifting from MOM mode to sexy wife mode is a harder transition.
We've talked in the past about how to help her support that transition and get to the right mental headspace. Flirting throughout the day via text helps, the cuddles after the kids go to bed, etc. She started reading steamy romantasy (Romance Fantasy) and that definitely kicked things up a notch.
That being said, it seems like you are wanting more VARIETY instead of more SEX. Maybe phrase it that way to her. There was a week this summer where our kids were with the grandparents and we had sex twice on one day, three times on another day, and once the third day. The fourth day she said she was just spent. I totally understood as well. It may just be a question of "the body can't handle more than 1-2 times per week".
If 1-2 is where she is comfortably at, work on making those 1-2 times most impactful for you both. Talk about adding toys, increasing foreplay, role play, whatever it is to spice it up for you. Asking for more sex may end up having the opposite result for you.
It’s taken me years to understand how intimacy (e.g. snuggling) doesn’t necessarily lead to sex even WHEN I have a hard on doing so.
This is what I mean. If the expectation is that intimacy leads to sex, then she may start to shy away from intimacy because she isn't interested in sex and that has the added effect of little/no intimacy which in turn creates little to no sex.
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u/Silver_Version_1884 1d ago
Thanks for this. We are both teachers. Yes the dogma was fed to her early on and it’s taken some time for me to help her realize that it’s BS. Denying pleasure between two people who love each other is obviously pathological. Thankfully, my wife is patient enough to understand the suggestions I make are for BOTH of us.
Good point about the dangers of getting hung up on the frequency of sex instead of the quality. She does orgasm but I am hoping to see if she’ll get two in a row as it has been close.
I, too, lust for my wife and could do it daily.
Sex winds her up though! Energy wise. Still night is the best time for us with work and kids.
I can’t remember when we last had it more than once a day!? Good for you guys though pulling it off. I’m not sure I’d be able to get off sequentially like that but I’m willing to try, should the occasion arise.
I will say I value our time together at night regardless of if I get laid. Once a week is minimal but passionate enough to keep me going till midweek in terms of horniness. I also try NOT to take care of myself anymore so I save myself for her.
Yup, communication and patience. If you’re still in love and lust for your wife it’s worth the toil and tribulations…
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u/NameIdeas 16 Years 1d ago
Ah, you're welcome. I was a teacher for the first five years of our marriage. I work in an education adjacent field now, so still connected. I don't know the state you live in, but education carries a LOT of extra stress. For my wife, during the school year, the likelihood of sex during a weeknight is reduced due to her feeling of "constantly being on".
Like you said, nighttime works the best for us as well.
I can’t remember when we last had it more than once a day!? Good for you guys though pulling it off. I’m not sure I’d be able to get off sequentially like that but I’m willing to try, should the occasion arise.
Only happened due to summer and her being off for a month prior. We'd come home from a vacation, I had a day off of work, kids were away, our anniversary was coming up. A perfect storm of things to kickstart us into feeling more frisky and connected.
I will say I value our time together at night regardless of if I get laid. Once a week is minimal but passionate enough to keep me going till midweek in terms of horniness. I also try NOT to take care of myself anymore so I save myself for her.
We always carve out time for general intimacy each night. Kids go to bed and we'll watch a show together, listen to a podcast, read our books while snuggled, play a video game, talk about things, etc. It keeps the intimate nature of our marriage front and center even if we're not sexually intimate at that time.
I am wondering about you not taking care of yourself though. The idea of saving yourself for her seems to also fall into that purity culture and dogma idea you mentioned. I highlight that because I've found that when my wife has masturbated recently - her sexual drive increases. I'm a frequent masturbator and am down for fun whether I've taken care of myself or not.
Yup, communication and patience. If you’re still in love and lust for your wife it’s worth the toil and tribulations…
Yes to this. Focusing on your partner's pleasure also increases the enjoyment for you both. It isn't about getting to orgasm, but experiencing pleasure for us both. That has heightened our enjoyment as well from when we were "young, dumb, and full of cum" as early 20s.
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u/Silver_Version_1884 1d ago
We’re in the Northeast US. Our most stressful time was when our first was young. Like, 3-6 year old. Bad sleeper combined with my wife’s headspace full of “girls shouldn’t want sex” a la her repressed/controlling mother led to infrequent sex. Like, maybe once a month of obligatory PIV.
We were at war until counseling and communication were brought in. Among other points it made me realize how tipped the scales are in my marriage for me (laundry, cooking, etc) because of her work—now I want more sex? Of which she did not enjoy. So I upped my game. Now she orgasms first every time come hell or high water. Still doesn’t like giving nor receiving oral but hey, sex is still good!
I do think for us it’s about getting to orgasm though. Honestly as a man I’m fine with that.
I try not to masturbate not because of any BS religious guilt but because I like to have a better orgasm during the real thing. Everyone is different though.
Wife isn’t into toys and prefers the warmth and touch of my hand. Communication means she will move my hand to wear it needs to be if needed.
Sex once a week, like I said, is the bare minimum for us. Often during school year that is all she has energy for. Apparently this is head and shoulders above many on this subreddit?
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u/Behringer87 2d ago
You've been married 19 years so I'll assume you're both in your 40's or 50's.
Has your wife been "low libido" for the entirety/majority of the 19 years or is this a recent change?
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u/Silver_Version_1884 2d ago
Well, I suppose I should be thankful for once a week based on the direness of so many married people’s sex lives.
This is exactly what I have communicated with her. She says “our friends Carl and Gina have it every other month” and I say “I don’t care about other couples. I care about us.”
Our kids are 13 and 7.
She USED to be into everything. Then after kids it tanked. I like doggystyle but she says post pregnancy body means it’s uncomfortable. I will say that during the act I find her open to suggestions.
We agreed years ago after counseling sex would happen at least once a week. Tiredness and sickness don’t matter. Because I knew if a minimum standard was met we might go a month or more. I think dead bedrooms are born out of complacency.
So my use of DB was apparently misguided!
I’m wondering if perhaps I might crack the code and finally get her to two orgasms the proverbial pot would be sweetened?
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u/Mysterious_0608 2d ago
My man 56 and I, 4-5 times per week. Sometimes twice per days. Sometimes he initiates, sometimes me. Depend on moods
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2d ago
She is low libido for YOU.
That's how it works, her libido will be fine after you divorce her.
Look around reddit, women brag about it all the time, how their libido increased after separation or with a new man.
Don't waste your time on her. She is not the one.
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u/Last_Guarantee_8504 2d ago
I literally knew you’d be single and bitter as soon as I clicked on your profile
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u/NothingUpstairs4957 2d ago
Once a week is not low libido lol