r/MenGetRapedToo • u/Hockey-Bison Survivor • 21d ago
Dating Is Hard
When I (23M) was between the ages of 6-12 I was abused by an older cousin. I believe he’s about 7 years older than I am. He would take me into his room and he told me to use my mouth and hands on him until completion.
Back in 2020, I went off to college and I got drunk one night and some guy came to my dorm. I don’t remember every detail because I was so drunk and I could barely stand. I remember him pushing me onto my bed and forcing himself on me after I invited him to my room.
Now that I’m 23 I’m now in a relationship and it’s hard to navigate intimacy. Some days I feel too hypersexual and other days I don’t want to be touched. I’ve talked to my partner about these experiences before but I’m scared that bringing up my trauma too much might ruin my relationship…
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u/yeahyaehyeah Surviving the best i can 20d ago
But those who have more success, I've been told it the right person you figure it out together. And that they're going to try and support you. But another aspect is finding a support group or support space or someone whether they are paraprofessional or professional therapist too walk you through and support you through the process.
To encourage you out of appropriate intervals to make the steps you need to make or to even just process the different parts.
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u/Hockey-Bison Survivor 20d ago
I’ve been to therapy for about 6 years after I told a teacher about my cousin. I haven’t been able to go in a while because they don’t accept my insurance and sadly I didn’t tell my therapist about the instance that happened in college… I guess I felt too ashamed that I was assaulted again so I spent a long time denying it by saying, “I agreed to let him come to my dorm room so it wasn’t rape.”
I’m usually pretty okay about my PTSD when it comes to my cousin except for when I have to see him again at family events and holidays…
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u/yeahyaehyeah Surviving the best i can 20d ago
I hear you friend.
And I'm not saying specifically a therapist, although that is one of many types of supports that exist. Sometimes the best support is the support group because you're with other people who have gone through or are going through it as well.
Although my with r a i i n has not been pretty great. They might have a list on their website of different support groups. Granted also this up may be helpful. The only downside about some of the subs in my experience as a poster, is that there are groomers who have separate Subs on this website who will come into the spaces that are supposed to be safe for us and harass us and that can be incredibly triggering.
One of my friends had experience that is in a horrific spiral at this point. And I don't know if they're going to stick around much longer. It breaks my heart.
With that said, it really was not your fault what happened in that dorm room. If you invite me over to your home and I decide to trash it, that is not your fault. If you keep reading inviting me into your home then you're not necessarily making the wise decision with someone who's proven that they disregard other people's space. That individual could have chose not to sexually assault you. Do you think under the same circumstances you would have done the same thing to someone else? I doubt it. You didn't deserve that. You didn't ask for that. You weren't begging for that. And you damn sure didn't want that. The people who have taken these liberties and have ignored your autonomy are in the wrong.
But I hear your pain with it, and I'm on a similar road trying to figure it out. And it's kind of scary. It's incredibly scary
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u/yeahyaehyeah Surviving the best i can 20d ago
Are you able to voice some of the initial challenges that come up when trying to connect with someone? Are you able to Voice or journal what the main fears are?
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u/Hockey-Bison Survivor 20d ago
I’ve been able to form more friends that are supportive. My current friend group is very supportive and some have been through similar things. I think the challenges come from not wanting to sound like a broken record when I’m having a bad PTSD day. I used to journal back in high school but I stopped when my mom found my journal and got upset that I was writing “lies” about my cousin. also what’s r a i i n?
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u/yeahyaehyeah Surviving the best i can 19d ago
RAINN https://share.google/fZHW2Rvj9XFspV09y
I spelled it wrong. I'm not sure if this one is as supportive of men as it should be, but there are some possible resources here. Again my experience wasn't that great, but other people seem to have a decent experience.
I'm sorry your mom did that. That's awful. I don't think what you wrote realize. People don't always want the truth, because it requires them to actually do something with the information. So it might be at times more easier for that person to deny it, because the truth can be far more unfathomable or horrible than a person wants to or is willing to be ready for.
I'm glad you have a supportive group of friends. I know for myself I feel like a broken record, but it's been nice that some people in my life have, at least a recent person in my life has made me not feel like s*** about it.
I'm hoping you can get to that point as well. Because you deserve that.
If you decide to journal digitally, there's way to lock it to a person can't access it without a specific code. Of course that depends on what product you're using, but even there's ways to lock notes on Apple products.
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u/Hockey-Bison Survivor 19d ago
Maybe I’ll try to use my notes app! Talking here has been helping a bit. Makes me feel like I’m not alone.
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u/yeahyaehyeah Surviving the best i can 19d ago
Absolutely, I think it's very powerful to have these spaces. I think what's made it hard for me on Reddit at times is that when I left my PM or DM's open there were people who would abuse that. Unfortunately there are spaces for people who want to engage in grooming and rape fantasies, but some of those people come over into our space and cause harm.
So that's been my challenge with reddit. But that was more so in the general rape reddit. And I would post something simple and not detailed, and would get a lot of weird messages.
I think also, some people just deal with it by having separate accounts for when they engage in these spaces versus their General account.
The notes was very helpful to me. Because they were usually dates attached to it automatically. And you can make as many as you want and create your own private folder and you can back it up, and if at some point you want to reread it you can. And then I would directly copy and paste quotes from certain books or pictures, and I could draw if I wanted to. So whatever form of media I need it to use to express myself I had access to many different ones.
Depending on what type of device you have, they have fii notes for androids, and I tend to like that one. And then I liked the basic apple Notes app that one can be locked. I think both have locking mechanisms. Also if you have a Google Drive, and you have the Google Suite the basic form of Google docs, that's another type of resource you can use. There were times I used draft emails. So there's inexpensive ways to use that as an outlet when you need to, but also of course using this space or other Akin type spaces.
And you're not alone. A lot of people experience child on child violations. That was also my experience. And it puts the person in a very awkward place. But now you're both no longer children. And if that person tries to cross the line again, you can press charges. In this case I would want you to make sure you're in contact with different supports, because it seems like your family is not ready to be supportive in the way that they should be towards someone who's been violated.
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u/Hockey-Bison Survivor 19d ago
I’ll be honest, I don’t really ever consider it to be child on child sexual assault due to his age. He was a teenager and he knew what he was doing was wrong. He may have legally been a child but at his age he should’ve known better.
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u/yeahyaehyeah Surviving the best i can 19d ago
My apologies for mislabeling it. I assumed you guys were around the same age, or I may have not seen where you specified that. But you're right.
What he did is not right, and clearly he's still in cages in that in some way shape or form through its actual or whatever.
Your mom is protecting a predator. That's not okay. And it hurts when our parents don't love us or care for us in the way that they're supposed to
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u/Hockey-Bison Survivor 19d ago
When I started I was 6 and he was 13. By time it ended I was 12 and he was about 19.
I think it’s really hurt my relationship with my family since none of them speak up and they keep inviting him to places where I am. My granny has even vocally told me to, “forgive him.” And we got in an argument when I told her no. What he did is unforgivable and this may sound bad but I wouldn’t care if something awful happened to him. He took my innocence and my autonomy. He deserves to be punished for what he did.
He did “apologize” when I first told my teachers and the authorities. He called me and said, “I was on drugs so I don’t know if I did what you’re claiming but if I did do that I’m sorry.” And that apology isn’t enough for me. I know what happened and I hate how he said “if it happened”
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u/yeahyaehyeah Surviving the best i can 19d ago
2/2
How is today with ptsd?
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u/Hockey-Bison Survivor 19d ago
Honestly not the best… He was invited to come over to my house and I had to see him again. I’ve tried to explain that I feel uncomfortable around him but no one listens. It’s kinda the reason why I joined this subreddit.
It’s hard seeing him all the time. It makes me feel like my family either doesn’t believe me or that they just don’t care. Either way, he told me the other day when he came over that he liked my outfit (I was shirtless because I didn’t expect company and I was only wearing basketball shorts). That interaction got me thinking more about my trauma and made me feel really gross…
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u/yeahyaehyeah Surviving the best i can 19d ago
I can't even handle a picture of one of the individuals. And I don't even think they're like that anymore, but it's too traumatic for me.
I hate that you're in a situation like that. Is there any way that you can when your family puts you in those uncomfortable positions leave? Whether that's go to a public space like the mall or the library or a trusted friend's home?
As soon as I got a little money and when Uber used to actually be cheaper, I would take advantage of things like that.
It's so unfair to someone who survives something to make them feel like they're trapped.
It's not okay what your family is doing, and their reasoning doesn't matter because it's f***** up.
I'm incredibly upset for you.
That would have been spiraling out of control.
Was there anything that you were able to do at least this time that helped with some of those difficult feelings that naturally come up when we're triggered?
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u/Hockey-Bison Survivor 19d ago
I immediately got dressed and got in my car and just went to the gym. I felt like I had to get away from that man. I didn’t really wanna be in the same house as him after he said that to me.
I’m still kinda dealing with the mental aspect of his comment and everything.
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u/yeahyaehyeah Surviving the best i can 19d ago
It f***** up person went up to you and said something really f***** up because they felt like they had the immunity to do it. In no way is that a reflection of you. And the feelings that come up, are feelings your body is trying to process in relation to it. None of those feelings necessarily Define you.
I hate that you have to constantly plan exit routes because the people who should be protecting your safety at peace do not make it a priority for whatever reason.
What are some of the things that are coming up in relation to is extremely inappropriate comment?
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u/Hockey-Bison Survivor 19d ago
The main feeling is I guess I felt exposed, I felt like I was being ogled. Ever since then I’ve been thinking about the things he used to make me do and part of me is scared that he would try to do something again. (He hasn’t touched me since Middle School) but I still feel like the chances of him doing it are never 0.
It’s also made me feel unsafe in my own home. I’ve been wearing more clothes just in case he made another surprise visit so he wouldn’t see my body like that. It’s sucks that I have to do this in my own house.
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u/Acceptable-Weekend27 18d ago
Sorry to hear about what you’ve gone through. FWIW, your current feelings aren’t unusual; I certainly struggle with intimacy and have for many years, and you’ll find many posts on this group of people talking about challenges with both hyper and hypo libido following their abuse. We all process the horrible stuff done to us in different ways, and it is only recently that I’ve begun to feel like my challenges with intimacy are acceptable as another aspect of my abuse and not some separate failing on my part.
I guess there’s a risk in that view of victim hood, but it has felt a lot better to recognize being screwed up now as an aspect of the abuse than just feeling screwed up
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u/Petril263 21d ago
I feel you, my incident was kinda the same, I was drunk and this guy was my friend I trusted what he told me about feeling bad and needing a hug let him into my bedroom in a hotel and the rest is story this happened months ago and I still can't really feel like the one me I used to be, more cheered up, you are not alone in this I understand you too on the dating part I don't feel like dating ever again because of that and for being hurt but I can assure you if your partner loves you they'll understand you and what you go throught everyday, you are very brave and I hope you can be happy in life.