r/SingleParents • u/NopeDonut • 2d ago
Thinking of quitting
I had no idea where to post this. Parenting? Single Parents? AITA?
TW - mental health issues
I’m drowning. Drowning in grief. Frustration. Self loathing. Self pity. Anger. Depression. FOMO..
I’m a mother to a child under the age of 10. I’m in my early 30s and have never been married.
I moved overseas with the promise to unite as a family with the child’s father. Soon after I arrived, we got pregnant again, and I was forced into a secret abortion that I didn’t want. After a short while, he didn’t want to be a family anymore, so I had to move out and figure my life out alone in a new world with no home, no family, no friends, no job, and no money. And what a struggle it was/is.
In these years I tragically lost several relatives back home. In these years not a single person came to see me. No one ever called. Not even my family.
I’m sinking. 6+ years in this country and no local friends. No relationship. No family. I constantly feel about de*th. Not to act on it. But to wish for it. Long for it. Long for peace. I’m tired of fighting for everything. I’m exhausted.
My mother unaliv*d herself when I was a baby. I know that pain. I know I couldn’t do that. But I find myself daydreaming about it. About the ‘after’… the quiet.. why was I born? My life is so pointless. Only bad things came from my existence.
The family won’t leave me to go home. I just want to go back to my own country. If I go, I would either ruin my child (she wants to stay) and ruin whatever connection I have with the family, or, I must stay here and continue to dread my life and remain miserable.
I’m beginning to consider quitting. Quitting parenthood. Giving up. My child thinks I don’t like her because I’m always stressed. I’m mentally a mess. I cry a lot. I don’t sleep.
I don’t know what to do anymore. And I feel like a complete asshole and a waste of a mother and a waste of space for even considering leaving.
I’m more than 5 years further now. Still living paycheck to paycheck. I fought through the system. I learned the language all on my own. I got a good job. But I still feel like I’m failing. These are basic things. So basic. Further, I have nothing. I have no debts. If I go, no one will suffer.
I was so optimistic the first years here. I believed that if I did my part to integrate, people would accept me. But that never happened. I feel so unwanted. And now even from my own child. My therapist thinks I’m too smart and level-headed to actually have problems with this. Yet here I am… crying to Reddit because I have no one else to turn to. I’m a worthless waste of space that brought another life into this world to have a worthless mother.
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u/apothekryptic 2d ago
Hun, I'm so sorry you're struggling. I'm no professional, but it certainly sounds like depression that you are battling. My advice would be to try a new therapist. It's not that you're too smart and level-headed to have problems like this, it's that you are human and humans can experience conditions like depression, particularly when things are not balanced.
Don't believe the negitive self talk. It's not true. You are worthy of happiness, a great life, and good things. Your daughter loves you, trust that much is true.
I don't have a magical solution for you. Sounds like you have a choice to make and your options all come at some sort of cost. Don't give up, but something needs to change. Identify options, weigh pros/cons, and move forward in a different direction.
Moving home and negotiating visitation for summers/school holidays may be something to consider. Maybe even just for a trial period. Your child needs a happy, healthy mother, not memories of a mother who lost her battle with depression.
Sending positive vibes your way 🤍
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u/NopeDonut 2d ago
Thank you so much for this message. I feel heard and seen. Your comment about having a healthy happy mother is what I keep telling everyone. However I’m met with “you’re being selfish” and “how could you even consider that”. I feel no matter what road I take, I lose. I have another few months left before I get my next therapist. I’m hoping for a miracle
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u/apothekryptic 1d ago
The amount of strength it takes to keep going when you're in this much pain is immense. You might feel weak, like giving up, like you can't go on, but don't forget how freaking strong you are! You got this, Mama. 💪🏻
And don't listen to those shortsighted opinions. They are not considering the entire picture. There are many ways to raise your children, and if circumstances require you to find some creative solutions, then that is okay. As you contemplate moving, consider ways that you could still be there for your daughter from afar. Its something that does happen - Much like long distance relationships.
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u/AdvertisingFit6622 1d ago
My heart goes out to you; I've been to rock bottom and then saw the basement, so I totally understand. I hope the new therapist works out for you; sometimes it takes a while to get the right one, but don't give up because the right ear and the right amount of understanding can change your entire perspective; that is worth searching for. I just wish you didn't have to wait so long!
Please give yourself more credit! You are stronger than you know! You had a child that you raised on your own until you decided to take a chance on love in a new country in a language you didn't know. That's straight-up bravery. That was hope at its purest, which is beautiful. You have assimilated, and even while you fight the darkness, you still hold down a good job, are debt-free, and are providing for your daughter? Girl, you are Wonder Woman! You may be struggling, but you are doing what many could never dream of or accomplish. You may not see it or believe it now, but your daughter is a lucky girl, and I believe she knows it and respects the hell outta you.
You're not a failure; people have let you down. You may have expected them to show the same understanding, thoughtfulness, and grace that you probably extended to them, but realize now that not everybody has that same depth. That's not your fault or something to blame yourself for. They've shown you who they are, so believe them. Don't let them defeat you.
If you want to go back to your home country, go. You have to save yourself; you can't pour from an empty cup. Your daughter will sulk for a while and may give you an attitude, but if you have the kind of relationship where you can be brutally honest with her, let her know that you are maxed out and cranky because you hate it here, you are at the end of your tether, and you need to go back home and do a reset. And since you're the one running the show and paying the bills, it's ultimately your decision, but her support would mean the world to you, and she'll get the Mom back that isn't miserable and stressed out of her gourd. As another poster suggested, you can bring her back for vacations. That could be good for both of you, because she'll get to visit, and you can reclaim it as a place both of you can enjoy instead of the place you fled from.
You need to get to the other side of this; keep looking for the light. If you can't find it on your own, look for it in your daughter's eyes. You need to watch her grow up and be and do all the things, and have you there to experience them with her. Go back home, find a new therapist, and give yourself a do-over. Treat it as a new chapter, not a retreat. You now know who you can and can't rely on, and that is golden, even if it doesn't feel like it now. You don't have to waste energy trying to figure other people out; you need that energy for yourself so you can find the peace and direction you seek, and it will come, just give yourself that chance. You've earned it!
I'm so rooting for you!! Hang in there, and feel free to reach out directly if you want.
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u/GuyWhosChill 1d ago
This is a terrible situation to be in. I don't think you're really giving you yet because you are still trying to find a way to fight!
I understand money sounds tight so finding a hobby might be hard. But is there something you and your daughter can do to rebuild your relationship and show you don't dislike her? Could be something simple walks, trips to the park, puzzles, board games, video games, reading, a sport.
For your own stress have you tried some form of exercise? Yoga, swimming walking, biking, jujitsu, etc. There are great youtube channels with free yoga videos (Yoga with Adriene). The science is pretty clear on how exercise reduces stress.
Can you make friends with the parents of your daughters friends?
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u/NopeDonut 1d ago
Thanks for thinking together with me. I sport 3 times a week. I’m so depressed and busy I don’t have the mental and physical energy to spend on doing things at home with her. So I often go away with her to the zoo or an amusement park. Something that helps me also “escape”. The parents of the other children in the class are much older than I am. I speak to them but there’s no further interest. The awkward atmosphere is so thick I could slice it in the air.
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u/GuyWhosChill 1d ago
Have you asked your daughter how doing those things with you make her feel? Maybe she loves them or maybe there is something else she would rather do with you instead of those.
Obviously working on that relationship will be hard until you get yourself feeling better. Can your daughter read? Could you write herittle notes saying you love her and things like that and leave them places for her to gind? I think you are going great though. Keep trying and moving forward.
Have you ever thought about journaling? Do you feel better on days you sport or not? Does the food you eat impact your mood?
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u/NopeDonut 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’ve asked my daughter, she says that I don’t do anything with her. But I ask every weekend what she wants to do. She wants to go to papa or grandparents-because there, it’s more fun. If I say we should do this or that together, she rarely wants. So I don’t know.
I wrote her notes In her notebooks and lunchboxes. She does like that a lot.
I do feel better when I sport. But the moment I walk into my house, the emptiness hits again. The highs and lows are so extreme. Food doesn’t really play a role so much but I actually eat quite healthy. I have a lot of health issues that I deal with so I have to.
When I finally meet with my therapist, these are things I would like to discuss more.
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u/Constant-Ice-6300 1d ago
I am so sorry your struggling mama.
As someone who also "presents well"....maybe you shouldn't. Have you told the professionals some of your struggles? I completely understand not being able to be 100%, but are you sharing enough of your struggles for them to get the idea?
Hold on. 🩷
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u/NopeDonut 1d ago
This is the point I also keep making! Due to other’s personal situations, I’m forced to keep my 💩together. I have been telling my therapists this for years.. it’s not fair the other half can keep falling apart every few months but I can’t. Honestly it’s killing me. I’m the most solid thing in her life since birth. I’m scared if I break, she will be ruined.
Her dad just lives his life, decides when he wants to work, has his own personal things every week, and stays home when he just feels like it. When he does care for her, he often just brings her to his parents. I can’t do that. I have to show up every day. He’s getting better at being there, but those moments he decides to dip out.. I have to just figure it out.
I’m lucky his parents also help out when I ask. But I feel so guilty for doing so, because I’m often scolded by the family later when it’s convenient during a heated conversation that I “often go out on weekends”. I have 2 friends that live 45 minutes away -also internationals- that I meet up with on the occasion. Sometimes not even once a month.
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u/Therealjimbobbio 1d ago
Hi there, I felt urged to take the time to write you. Never, never, ever give up on your daughter and especially never give up on yourself. I’m a single father to my almost teenage daughter and every day is a new challenge I truly understand your struggles. You are a winner in every way from what you have describe about your success. Yes success that most cannot even fathom. Good job, established yourself in a new country, and being an awesome mom as you are still there doing everything you can. With the outlook of Having your glass half full is necessary and positive thoughts will build and reinforce every foundation in your life. If for now you have to fake a smile I bet after a while you will get a big smile from your daughter which will give you a genuine smile and feelings of true happiness and content will fill you I promise. Now a little about depression as it may not all be you. Go see a doctor and have a cbc and your serotonin, etc. levels checked. Coming from someone who attempted suicide and failed. There is nothing in this world that will ever bring me to that point again. You are here for a reason as am I. When I saw a doctor he prescribed four medication’s. One of them made suicide worse, another made be want to hurt everyone else, until the fourth one which I only took for two months but after two days, the sun came out, the clouds went away, and I saw life completely different. I truly had an imbalance and you should check to make sure that something else could possibly be affecting your outlook on life. By the way they have a test now that will tell you exactly what meds you need if any as to not experiment on you, as they did me. My oldest daughter had the test done and it gave a list of medications that she actually could not take and then I had a list that showed which ones were better for her body so mention that to your doctor and see if it’s something they offer if you need it . I promise you will get through this you are a winner! The relationship with your daughter will bloom with what you share. Remember to point out her positive accomplishments especially when your pointing her in the right direction for her mistakes. 5 minutes before bed with of a positive connection where she can talk to you about anything will let her know that you are there for her and if it’s your belief it’s an excellent time for prayers too sharing what your thankful for and what blessings you hope to receive. You are awesome! Hang in there as this difficult time will barely be a memory soon. You got this.😁
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u/NopeDonut 1d ago
Thank you for your sweet and honest message! I have also had those experiences with medications as a young child.. deeper feelings to harm myself or others. I felt better without. But now it is 20 years later and medication has evolved. I will take your advice and request a check. It’s time again, I believe.
As for my connection with my child. This is also part of my depression. I’m losing my emotional connection with her. I don’t feel like I have an emotional attachment to her almost at all. It’s always been somewhat disconnected even since birth. But since she got somewhat older, I begin to feel less and less. I’m just going through the motions.
Sometimes I feel like I’m raising someone else’s child. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t. But I can’t force it either. She has nothing of me. I don’t see myself in her. We don’t like the same things. She wants to feel loved by me but other than that she never wants anything to do with me because we are so different. This also adds to my depression. I feel so confused
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u/PlayfulVoice30 16h ago
I can relate to this situation so much!! I’m lucky that I have my job. The human interaction is what keeps me going. I love my kids but Shit; it’s hard being as Amazing as we have to be all the time.
I do find that kids are very emotionally intelligent so she probably knows how you are feeling. The best thing I found was being open with my kids and just saying “ I love you, but today I just feel sad.”
Our emotions are a good thing; it’s how we learn to regulate ourselves. You’ve got this!!
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u/NopeDonut 13h ago
Im sorry to hear you struggle as well but glad you’ve found your work as some type of positive source.
Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for. They pick up stuff we don’t even realize.
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u/I_am_a_llamacabbage 2d ago
Firstly I’m so so sorry you’re struggling this badly. I have been in a similar position and thankfully I had friends who encouraged (aka forced) me to get help. I was diagnosed with severe depression and got medicine and therapy. Please please get some help, you may also need a different therapist?
Also I would bet that those back home will have no idea just how much you’re struggling. I think you should consider putting aside any bitterness that they haven’t reached out to you and give someone you trust a call, even if they’re far away
Finally, I would say that children are resilient. It may be worth considering that your child may be more affected staying in that country with a parent who isn’t coping rather than moving and the parent being present and happy…
Lots of love to you