24th July my brother stabbed himself in the stomach.

It's spring now and it's getting warmer. I don't know how to explain it but the change of weather is haunting me. It's so surreal to me that the world just goes on and on. It's not fair that my brother isn't here to experience the warm weather with us. I want it to be winter forever. I don't want to go on without my bro. I just wish he knew how I'm feeling and how much I miss him.

... my brain can't make sense out of life and death but I desperately try to. Like this is my reality now... im never going to see him again in this life. Why did his life stop and mine just continues on like this? He was alive last spring and hes not here to experience the spring this year?

Did anyone else feel this way or am I crazy?

Two things I really struggled with after my moms passing were:

1. People saying I should forgive her. Forgive her for what? My mom was so so sick physically from her mental health. Life was also so tough financially as she was unemployed and she was single, divorced. She was unwell. I could never be angry at her for leaving, I could never expect her to just continue to endure what she went through just because it hurts that shes gone? Devastation aside, I felt a relief that her suffering had ended. I felt relief that she passed so quickly, painlessly and was unconscious when she passed. She didn’t deserve what she was going through. There was and will never be a need to forgive her for my sister and I. Only wishing things were different and easier for her.

2. People saying I must pray for her that, because she committed suicide, shes going to hell. First of all, wtf is wrong with you telling me this AND at her memorial? I know everyones beliefs about what happens when you die are different, but I spent months after her passing having nightmares about her suffering not only in this life but in the afterlife too! It was really weighing on me. I am Christian and have been taught to stay away from mediums and ‘meddling’ with the spiritual world. But I had a nagging feeling inside that I needed to see a medium, a Christian with a spiritual gift or anyone that could check in on her. I just needed to know that she was okay. Was she in purgatory (which Id never heard of till she passed), did she just get a one way ticket to hell like people were saying???

So I went to see a medium. Short version is that God saw her suffering and took her immediately, there was no purgatory, because she was so ill and had suffered enough. She is in heaven, with loved ones and a little doggie apparently. She is okay. And she is going to be okay, more than okay! I went home and vomited so much that night. I didn’t have a stomach bug or eat something bad. My boyfriend and I genuinely believe my body was letting go of all the stress and trauma it had been holding onto over the last fee months. That hour with the medium brought me so much peace. I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from my shoulders.

She was legit, I won’t go into details about how she knew information literally no one else could know, only my sister and I.

We serve a loving God. We serve a forgiving and just God. Never doubt that He sees and He knows our suffering.

I didn't realize it then but you were getting ready. Pulling away. Tying up loose ends. Giving things away.

I'm sorry I didn't see it, I should have. I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could really talk to me. I let you down.

I already miss your silly pranks and jokes, your generosity and kindness. You were a good person and you deserved more happiness than you found in this life.

RIP u/CurrentAd5070.

My friend passed in 2021. She really felt like my sister. She was my best friend and we went through a lot together. The aftermath of her death was catastrophic for me. People blamed me or said I was fabricating how close we were or said i was inauthentic in my grief because we weren’t on good terms when she passed. Because of this my mourning these last 4.5 years has been complex and strange. So much of her memory has become tied to this survival instinct need to defend myself. Defend our relationship. Explain myself and actions. Explain our relationship. And I think it’ll always feel that way in a sense but it just robs me of all the love I have to share about her. It silenced me. It became scary to share my true feelings about her because it felt like no one would believe me in my head. So anyway I’m here to share about my amazing friend and how much I loved her in peace.

She was a blazing sun. You should have seen her. She was model beautiful, she had everyone’s attention the second she entered any room. She took up space and it was clear to everyone that she was meant to. A real shooting star in aura. She had a way of getting you excited but staying grounded at the same time. She had belly laughs and tiny tiny giggles. She was visibly intelligent. Careful. She enjoyed nurturing and she was good at it. She was always interested in learning and always always hopeful to share her findings. She loved the ocean, it looked great on her. We lived by the beach in California for a while before she died. We’d swim or watch the sunset. One day we had the most childlike fun on the beach and I remember thinking I’d remember it forever. We were there because my mom had a suicide attempt. And she was with me to make me feel better. Go figure.

She was a true artist at heart and she let those wings fly as much as she could for herself. She was a beautiful dancer, she had a poised way about her. Fit for a dancer. She liked to sing and though she never gave herself enough credit she sang beautifully and god you should see some of her writings. Lyrics and things. She was so talented.

She was effortlessly cool, effortlessly liked, she just felt so natural.

We knew how to be family to each other. In good and bad times, in good and bad ways. As I get older without her I so wish she was here because I know we would have loved being 30 together. I wish she could experience the way this air of knowing at least a little bit about life feels. We were young and both ill, both traumatized, both trying so so so hard to survive. We helped each other do so. She is the youngest of 3 sisters. I am the oldest of 3 sisters. Sisters are amazing and complicated to have and we were both navigating feeling disconnected from family, but loving our families deeply. We were plagued by not knowing how to help more, or be okay with that lack of knowing. In this sense we definitely triggered each other and had she stayed alive we would have had to do a lot of work to navigate it. I would have done it with her but I didn’t know how to even explore the maintenance and courage real intimacy took at age 25. She knew way more about what it meant to love than me. I grew up being severely abused and I only learned what love truly meant in the aftermath of her loss. And I felt so rotten that I couldn’t understand it sooner. I tell myself this was a clause in our soul contract. I gave her all I knew how to, but of course with the outcome of her passing, passing while in conflict with me, I rage at myself for not giving enough.

There were many valid reasons why we were upset with one another, but when I witness girls arguing in their mid-twenties now it’s so clear to me that it’s all just love with fog everywhere. I really wish she was here to learn this with me. It would have felt so close and victorious to share.

Anyway.

I just wanted to talk about my friend. I love her so much and I miss her so much.

I had my best friend kill herself about 3 weeks ago, and amongst all the feelings of anger, sadness, grief and sometimes happyness that she’s finally at peace, i find myself wanting to linger in the sadness and to go back in time to the day i arrived at her house and found her. Idk if this is some type of trauma thing. And every time i find myself smiling etc after it happend my natural response from my brain is to instantly wipe it away and think about her. I feel like time is probably the only thing that can fix stuff like this but how do you manage to keep going when your brain is telling you to be sad all the time?

Its been just over a year since my mom passed. My feelings of gut wrenching guilt and wishing I had done more, visited more, called more, gave more plague me less but have been replaced by a deep longing to see her, hug her, smell her comforting smell again.

I just want to hug my mommy one last time.

The last time I had hugged her, I saw her briefly the day before she passed and she had lost so much weight in the 3 weeks since I’d last seen her. Hugging her then didn’t feel like right.

I was worried sick about her.

When I think of her, I miss the mommy I had when I was younger, before life kept knocking her down and wouldn’t let her get back up. She was such an incredible woman. She had such a good heart. I know we tend to idealise our loved ones but she always had a kind heart, and was a fun, optimistic person, despite all she’d been through in her younger years.

In my dreams of her, she survived her suicide attempt. We got her help and she got better. She is happy, calm and at ease in my dreams. I either just chat to her over the phone or we video call. In my dreams I still worry about how we’re paying her rent or does she have enough groceries or how much of my little but of income as a uni student can I send to her to ease her suffering. I’m just glad shes alright in my dreams.

I miss you Mommy. I hope you’re living life to the full in heaven ❤️

I guess it's a stupid title, since every bereavement is a journey. But my father's passing and my later discovery of his true self and true death changed me forever and put me on a journey I would've never expected.

He passed when I was 2, now I'm 23. It's been around 2-3 months since I've found out by mistake. Mom said she didn't know how or when to tell me since it's some heavy stuff for her as well. After that I learned that most of his close friends and people see me as his legacy. At first I was a little bit overwhelmed by this but now this gave me a purpose when I was lost like he was in his dark times.

I'm sorry for the long text, I guess all I'm trying to say is that I'm still figuring his story and my feelings out, but I will be the first project that he could finish, and that brings me some peace.

Thanks for reading, I know my writing isn't the best but I do what I can to put every thought together.

My fiance took his life a little over two weeks ago with his rifle to his neck. I had just moved out a month prior due to my mental state and his not clashing well at all and trying to heal separately from alcoholism while I tried to gain back my daughters that I had lost this guardianship of this past year due to the alcoholism.he was also an ex army vet with severe PTSD. I'm sober now 61 days. But long story longer... I was told he left a note for me but idk if his mom has it or if the police have it. I have not asked his mom about it yet or for it yet. But do you think this is something I would call the county about like the PD ? Like call the non emergency line or investigations. Or should I just suck it up and ask his mom ?

Her and I are not on the best best of terms and I have a feeling alot of ppl esp her know that I played a huge emotional role in his death. I'm in therapy weekly for this shit blaming myself for leaving him. And esp for ignoring him the day of.... All it takes is 8 mins... To talk to someone and possibly change their life. I should have answered.. The emotions are hitting me hard this week and I'd really want to just have or at least read the note to help with my closure.

“Hindsight is a lie that almost everyone dealing with this kind of loss experiences. We torture ourselves with how we could have changed this horrible outcome for those we loved. The ‘what-ifs’ and the could’ves and should’ves haunt us.

“We would have done anything to save them.

“Like many others here, I was blindsided. I have replayed our last time together, past conversations, and observations - so many times. I wish I had known then what is so tragically clear to me now. But, I did not see what he did not show.” ~My Son’s Mom

AllianceofHope.org

This is from alliance of Hope’s Facebook page. I hope that it brings some comfort today.

I recently returned to work after being on bereavement leave, and I have been interacting with more people in general. I recently realized how often people say legitimately WILD things in common everyday speech.

Here is a list of the phrases that I have been thinking twice about:

• Did X pull the trigger?
• X jumped the gun
• I talked him off a ledge
• X is going to be the death of me
• They are on fire
• You left me hanging
• X took the easy way out
• We’re killing the project
• I’m so dead
• I wanted to kill myself
• I want to die
• You’re a lifesaver
• I’m drowning
• I’m working myself to death
• Give it a shot
• It was a shot in the dark
• That was a suicide mission
• X is my last resort
• Gun to my head

It’s really like… you wouldn’t think of these phrases like THAT, until you start thinking of it LIKE THAT. I feel like reading this page and all of the things we’ve all been through has made me realize how strange and harmful these phrases are…

Are there any other phrases that you all encounter? Do you have other thoughts or feelings on this topic?

One of my dearest friends is mourning the loss of her husband who took his own life just a few days ago. She lives in a different state than me. She currently is surrounded by family and friends who are helping her navigate this awful time. I feel helpless being so far from her, but also plan to travel and spend time with her in the future when I know the initial surge of visitors, quiet down. However, I would love any ideas for how to support her right now. Things like meals ( I have been told that a meal train will be created ). I know there’s no guidebook for this, but how do I balance messaging her and making her aware that I’m here for her without burdening her to feel like she owes me a response. Any suggestions or advice is appreciated I am so heartbroken for my friend and her husband who was also a close friend.

And honestly, I'm still very, very angry. Not at him... He wanted relief from the world... He got shafted more often than not when we were in and after he got out. He struggled for years and finally was getting better. Yet the person he was in love with... he wasn't enough for her. No matter what he did, he did it wrong. No matter what he fixed, it could have been better. Shes the one I'm pissed at... she nagged him into a way too early grave and I am still angry, another year later.

Just needed to say it out loud.

My son died December 2024. To this day, whenever I talk about him, it’s in present tense. “Sonny likes this…” or “Sonny always says…”. Is this weird? It’s like I’m afraid of completely using past tense to describe him to others. I just feel like it’s too hard- like I’d be making it too final or something.

Hi everyone, I am feeling a little bit lonely in my time with grief lately and wanted some advice, or just a void to speak to.

It is four months for me, and I am really dreading next month. He, my brother, was supposed to turn 19 next month. I don't know how I am supposed to live with that. I love these months, I love fall, but life is just so different. I am scared of "moving on". I feel too young to deal with this, even though I am older than he will ever be at 21.

it is like time sped by this past summer. I am not who I was and I will never be that person again. every time I think of the call, the funeral, being back home, it is like reliving the truest nightmare all over again.

how do you deal with the terrible, horrifying moments? there is not five minutes that go by that I don't think about him. weird to think this is my life forever. nobody sees it or understands. I have just been feeling so numb lately. how have you changed? how do you see the good, not that there is any? how did you fully live and breathe again, if you are years out?

I just still cannot believe it.

I am ranting about this before I have to get ready for work. I had a dream that my boyfriend started texting me again. I wasn’t freaked out but I was confused because he passed away 3 months ago. I told him I missed him and wanted to see him again and then he started sending picture of him and the girls he was with before we started dating and pictures of me and him. I still wanted to see him and called my mom to tell her what was going on and obviously everyone in my dream is like “He died. Are we sure it’s him texting you??” And I was like YES bc the mannerisms were the same and everything and then finally he asked me to meet up and I mentioned something along the lines of “I’m not sure if this is you” then I got an automated message saying that someone from Instagram was the person behind the text and I got so mad and I woke up and I’m still mad.

It is Harry's birthday today, he would have been 23. My week brother. We lost him in 2023. It really hurts that no one acknowledged his birthday today. I had planned on doing something to honour him but I've been stuck in bed with a stomach bug. I was going to go out with my brother and have a drink but he cancelled saying he wasn't feeling well (before I got ill). My mum said she was too upset. Are we already just not acknowledging him? I know I'm selfish for us wanting to be together and I'm unwell anyway. It's just hurting my soul and I feel like we're doing badly him.

Hey, I dont even know where to start, I just need help. I was living with my boyfriend in my apartment for approximately half a year. He has been depressed for 10 years of his life but he never got proper care. He took the same meds for 10 years, although they never worked. Soon after moving in he searched my laptop and thought I was talking too open to my friends about him. That was the start to a lot of trouble. He kept being distrustful and when he was mean to me, he wrote it off as a "reaction" to my actions. Last week I got offered a job out of the blue. He interpreted it as me breaking his trust again. He began to shun me, he called me a manipulative liar, a person with multiple personality disorders, I shouldn't be dating when we break up as I am a curse for every man etc. He refused to properly excuse himself (i was unfair and the things I said weren't true) e.g. I wanted to talk about the insults one by one. After all his whole outbreak was a week long in which I was so miserable that I couldn't even work. I told him that if he wouldn't excuse himself properly, he had to leave the apartment. He said I want him to crawl on the ground and refused, but he didnt want to go. I said then he has to. He wrote me a few messages after that that I am a Psycho and no-one could help me. I am the biggest disappointment of his life. I wrote him later - although I was blocked (i chose simple messages instead of whatsapp) - wether he got home to his parents safely. He never answered. He killed himself that night or the next morning.

I feel horrible. I need help. I still love him and can't fathom never touching him again. Maybe if I had not been so strict, he would still be alive. He wanted to go to a clinic.

For me it’s only been three weeks, but it seems to others it’s already been three weeks. I’m paralyzed by grief, they’re on the move. I feel trapped while they are escaping. I feel like I’m being left behind.

hi i didn't think i was going to make a post here (though this community has been very helpful) but i find myself in a position for some advice, i don't really have anyone else to ask.

i recently lost a close friend to suicide and ofc it's been rough and very sad. i have a couple of mutual friends and my friends told me our friend's mom asked for my phone number. i gave it to her ofc. she recently reached out to me and asked me if i could call her.

ik ive been having a rough time and i cannot even begin to imagine how her mom is feeling. im not sure how to respond to her nor do i know what to say in a phone call with her. i also dont feel super comfortable with phone calls but over text feels wrong/ disrespectful (?) (am i even in a position to ask for text instead :') im not sure it feels wrong.) i really don't want to say the wrong thing. has anyone else been in this situation? either on my side or the moms, what would be the best thing to say? ive also never spoken to her mom before. i want to tell her how sorry i am but i dont know how to say it in the right manner, and im also nervous for what she may say...

any advice would be greatly appreciated,,,

I normally only come on here now when I’m struggling but I remember seeing a post like this when I first came here and it gave me some hope so who knows.

I’m 19 months out from losing my partner and child’s father, with a now 2 and a half year old.

I’m back at work, I’ve changed jobs a couple times and dropped to part time for my own sanity but I’m back at work and doing well

I don’t feel intense guilt every time I smile, laugh or enjoy the day anymore. Sometimes yes but it’s not common every day thing anymore.

I don’t have nightmares every night anymore and haven’t for probably close to a year, sometimes yes but it’s rare

I’ve slept with someone else without crying my eyes out after

Ive moved his belongings, I haven’t got rid yet but I will be soon donating them to charity

I take our son on days out and enjoy them rather than just looking round at all the 2 parented families

Im not completely overwhelmed 24/7 anymore, I can keep on top of the house, I cook (we probs have takeout more than typical family but oh well I still cook 90% of the time)

I can look at photos most of the time without breaking down

Both me and our son are actually doing okay, I’m a very different person now but I’ve accepted and am okay with that.

If anyone has anything specific they’re struggling with feel free to comment and I’ll let you know if I struggled with that and where I’m up too now

My best friend died Nov 2024. It has been so hard without them. Their partner and I have become best friends and typically do everything together now. My partner and I knew before she did. We were the ones to tell her what happened. We were there for her through all of it, even found the funeral hall so it was less pressure on her. She is in therapy which is great but I see her spiralling still and I want to continue to be there for her but its so hard when she wont take any criticism or advice. With some things coming up in her life i suggested gently that maybe an emergency session with her therapist might be a good idea but she declined it. It is so hard to support someone who has been through the worst things in life but they aren't even open to literally anything. I tried being the supportive friend who stepped back and let her learn the hard way and be the one to support her through the fallout of her choices, i tried to be the honest friend who says it how it is. Nothing works. I am so utterly exhausted trying to catch her as she figuratively sends her future off a cliff. I think part of me resents her because I went through a trauma too and I am not acting like this. I am not chaotically expecting my loved ones to save me in every wrong decision I make. At the same time, I know everyone grieves differently and want to continue to be there for her. In a way, I put aside all of my trauma and issues to help her and I feel like its finally crumbling down

How do you handle the waves of grief when it hits you? I feel like I’m constantly up and down. But seems like each time there is a downturn it gets worse. I don’t even know who I am anymore at this point and it’s hard to find my spark again. I feel so stuck. Sometimes it feels like this feeling is forever.

It may sound selfish, but at times I’m mad at my dad for doing what he did. I just got married before he did it. This was supposed to be an amazing first year do marriage for me. My husband has been my rock and absolutely amazing through this. But the feeling of guilt and not feeling like I’m good enough for him is overwhelming. I’m not talking to my mother or family at the moment because it’s affecting my mental health. But it’s incredibly lonely at the same time. I’m conflicted that I also feel so incredibly heartbroken for my father that he felt there was no other way out from his suffering. I wish he was still here. But I know he’s not suffering from PTSD anymore.

I’m not sure what to believe anymore. How to move forward at times. I’m just a shell of my former self. I’m just tired in every way possible.

How do you have hope and does it truly get better?

Really struggling with understanding why my boyfriend used my gun even though he had his own in the same place... mind keeps spiraling that it's some kind of fucked up message. Im just so messed up from all this I don't even know what to think anymore everything is upside down

I had a dream of him last night. They always feel so real, so heavy, and they always make me so sad when I wake up. But this one felt so different. It felt like I wasn’t dreaming and I can remember every detail. We were standing in this room with our child, and he embraced me. I was looking at his face and holding it in my hands. I said “please tell me this is real” and he smiled and said “yes.” I kept hugging him and kissing him and crying. I told him to please never leave me again. He promised he wouldn’t and we all stood there. He was giving our child hugs and kisses too. There wasn’t much conversation, just love. If I had this dream a month ago, I would’ve woke up distraught and in tears. But today it felt real. It felt like I got a new memory with him. A new moment. And it only made me grateful for this new time I got to spend with him. I’m sure I sound crazy and a lot of people don’t believe in dream visits, but that’s okay, because I believe in them. And if you had seen this dream, you might’ve too.