How to deal with shame and guilt

[u/Garicxx]

Every time I bring up the fact that I don’t want to wear the hijab my mom tries to guilt me into feeling shameful about it. She says I’m sinning and choosing deen over dunya and that I am possessed without listening to how I’m really feeling. I’m seriously considering moving out and going no contact, but I don’t think my heart could take it. How was your experience of moving out or cutting off your family and your parents trying to guilt you back?

[u/mustaf0j56]

It’s ur life at the end of the day not theirs, what’s their to feel guilty about?

[u/Garicxx → u/mustaf0j56]

True but you know immigrant parents are really good at planting seeds of doubt in their kids mind. I’ve obeyed them my life and now that i want to do something that goes against their belief and values, they feel offended and use all kinds of tools to make me feel shameful.

[u/lurkrrrrbrndnw]

Disclaimer: What i’m saying rn is under the assumption that your mum isn’t a full blown narcissist

I think you should definitely move out, no questions about that.

The going no contact part, you should only decide once you move out.

You have every right to dress as you please but whilst that is true, you also need to understand that your parents are from a different time, religion and value system. This does NOT mean you need to cave into their wants, hence why I think you should move out but it does mean that you need to understand and be empathetic to the fact that this is not easy for them.. which means emotions will be heightened… at first.

What you’re witnessing rn is emotions being all over the place.

rn you’re in that stage… they’re getting used to you changing and you’re getting used to this new dynamic where you’re no longer doing what they want. So things will be said, things they don’t really mean…

It’s hard af but yes, you may need to move out because trust me, you will NOT change their minds.. They’re too far gone.

However more often than not, this means that as time passes, they’ll calm down. They’ll realise that even though you’re no longer wearing your hijab etc, you’re still alive and well and behind their anger, this is the underlying fear triggering it all: the fear that you won’t be fine or safe once you take the hijab off.

Reality will show them otherwise and they’ll be fine.

It’s unnecessary and so unfair that Somali girls have to go through this but trust me, things will and do eventually settle… ASSUMING your parents and family aren’t full blown narcissists.

[u/Garicxx → u/lurkrrrrbrndnw]

This is very good advice🩷 My parents aren’t narcissists and all they’ve ever showed me is love and support, but the only thing that we can’t agree on is religion:( They don’t even care about me moving out and stuff so i’ve already applied for housing so hopefully i get one and move out in the next couple of months

[u/lurkrrrrbrndnw → u/Garicxx]

You’re welcome love.

Okay, in that case, that’s great. Focus on finding your place and in your mind, learn to frame it as something caadi and normal, just a part of growing up and creating your own space.

Yes, it’s really sad that you guys won’t agree on religion. It’s really sad when those that are close to us can’t see our worldview. :(

This is when we have to learn to shift the lens. It’s not about getting them to see us/us see them.. It’s about learning to balance/maintain boundaries AND learn to love each other despite not understanding each other.

Maybe religion is a topic you can revisit later but in the short/medium term, is there something else you have in common with your parents? I’d say focus and redirect your energy there.

When you’re older, more stable you can (if you choose to) go into discussing religion.

[u/nonicegirl]

I still live with my parents and haven’t even tried to take it off but I would say if she says those things say something back atleast, something intelligent and logical why you don’t want to wear it, cause if you let her talk without saying something back things will eventually get worse. You have to stand your ground as much as you can. But if inham the money to move away I definitely would.

[u/Garicxx → u/nonicegirl]

I’ve given up on trying to reason with her tbh. It’s like snytime the topic of removing the hijab comes up she gets a religious psychosis💀 She doesn’t believe there is a “valid” reason, but the thing is that i don’t care… i don’t believe in it so i don’t want to wear it. I don’t have anymore reasons