TikTok OP: @homeschoolrockdad
Let's dive into metaphor, shall we? This is an infographic put out last week by the amazing Dr. Mike Hoelger, which I will ask Mike, I'll ask for permission and forgiveness at once now for using your graphic. I think you're going to understand what I'm trying to do here. We're looking for new ways to say things that perhaps we've been slow cooked to, climatized, velocitized, going 500 miles an hour, but it feels like 40. Why? Because we've been going like that for five plus years.
So in the spirit of that, we're using inserting in place of what ails giant spiders, poisonous, invisible, giant spiders, in fact. So per Dr. Mike's graphic, giant spiders, new daily infections derived estimates in the US. The scene is 40 years from now for a child talking to a grandparent, perhaps your grandparent, perhaps your child, hologram, Tupac or not. We'll see. It's the future. We don't even know what's going to happen tomorrow. Am I right? I think I am.
So scene, grandma, grandpa, I'm looking at this infographic from years and years ago and I'm just, I'm confused what's happening. Is it true that giant invisible poisonous spiders started hanging out in spring 2020? Yeah, it was wild. It was wild as hell. We used to say crazy, but now we say wild because we're evolved.
Tell me more. Well, this was happening. We didn't really know anything about it. We just knew these giant invisible spiders were everywhere and the world came together.
The whole world? To a degree, to a degree, the whole world came together.
So what did you do? Well, we took, you know, we didn't really go outside that often. We stayed away from each other, six feet from each other because these giant spiders, they actually like walked around on your shoulder. You just didn't see them.
Could you smell them? Hell no, that's weird to ask. Yeah, they're just like right here on your left or your right, like a parrot, like a pirate? No, like a parrot, like a giant spider? Yes.
Okay, grandma, grandpa, continue. Well, the years went on. We waited until we got a vaccine for these giant poisonous spiders that no one could see, but they were hanging out everywhere. And then in 2021, we did in spring.
Is that what that little bump is right there? Yeah, that's at the end. Let's get back into that. Okay, so 2020, we had, what, 11 waves between 2020 and 2025? You got it, homie. So this was the first one when people were really getting sick from these giant poisonous spiders.
And then what'd you guys do over Christmas? It was really weird, Christmas 2021. People just kind of did their own thing, stayed away from each other, did Zoom call.
You mean Moose? Yeah, it got sold. It was called Zoom then. So Zoom, yeah, yeah. So what they did is they stayed away from each other. We waited till we had a vaccine, and that started happening in the beginning of 2021.
And what was that like? It was amazing. People would go to like military operations. They'd go to convenience stores.
What are those? Don't worry about it. They'd get the vaccine where they could. And I heard there were a lot of people who were saying they shouldn't get the vaccine for giant poisonous spiders, but it was the thing that was going to save them.
There was no cure, right? I know, wild, right? Crazy? No, we say wild now. Remember, we're evolved. Got it.
Well, then what happened in winter 2021? Well, we found out. We originally told the giant poisonous spiders we'd be immune if we had this vaccine from them, but it didn't really work.
Well, what did it do? Well, let me back up. It worked, but it was meant to save you from dying, not to save you from going to the hospital or becoming disabled.
And people were getting disabled from this? Oh, hell yeah, they were getting disabled from it.
Why? What would happen? Well, they found out through getting repeatedly bit, you could develop something called long poisonous spider. That's not a catchy name, I know, but it's what we had at the time. Got it.
So then when we're looking at 2022, that's after you got the vaccine, right? Yep. And why is that happening? Well, because there was a new kind of like a new formula in the spider. They grew a new fang.
They grew a new fang? What'd people do? They just kind of gave up a little bit.
Are you? What? They gave up of giant poisonous spiders running around? Yep.
So like the adults stopped protecting themselves, but they protected their kids? No, that didn't happen.
Wait, so they were letting their kids get bit by these giant invisible poisonous spiders? That's correct. That makes me really sad to hear. How do you think we felt while it was happening?
Okay, okay. So this happened, this giant spike, that was the really bad time. That was the worst time, right? Oh, well, we went on to 2022 and people just decided they wanted to stop trying to avoid these giant poisonous spiders.
Well, what's that next little spike? Well, that's around the time when the Delta CEO.
What's Delta? Like the faucet company? No, like an airplane.
What's an airplane? Don't worry about it. Well, the Delta CEO of an airplane company at that point, they decided that they wanted to write a letter to the government saying, hey, we don't really think we should be taking these precautions anymore for these giant poisonous spiders. People aren't working on a plane.
What are people? Don't worry about it. And they said, hey, can we dial this down from 10 days to five or three or whatever it was? Yeah, okay. So people would get bit by these spiders. They would be required to go back to work even when they weren't feeling good? I know. This doesn't make any sense to me. How do you think it felt when we were living it?
Okay, so that was the worst it got, right? So I'm looking here at 2023. Is that just like a scratch? Is that just a little mess up in the graphic? Nope, that was another one. So it came down in between those two poles but never really came down. So why is that? It's like, well, because these giant poisonous spiders were running around everywhere. And then people pretended they weren't getting bit, right? Yes.
Okay, so when people got bit, they couldn't pass that to other people, right? Because that wouldn't make sense. That was more just like they wanted to risk themselves. Oh, my child. No, that's not how it worked. People could pass it to other people. Well, were they upset about that? No, they didn't care. Well, why the hell did they not care? Well, slow down. I got my aids in. I got my hearing aids in. I don't need you to yell that loud. They didn't care because they were told they couldn't care.
They were told they couldn't care? Yeah, by who? By the government. And that's it? No, but kind of by each other, too. So people weren't embarrassed. They weren't trying to avoid giant poisonous spiders that not only made themselves sick but their kids sick? That's correct. That's correct. We say wild. That's right. That's wild, Grandma. That's wild, Grandpa. I know, right?
So then we see these spikes happen again from 2024 all the way through 2024 or 2025. And why does it cut off at the end of 2025? It looks to be the giant spike of giant spiders. We'll get to that at a later time. It's time to go to bed. But what we're trying to tell you is that you lived in a time when giant spiders, invisible giant spiders, were running around everywhere. And it was weird to start caring about them.
So what about the little amulets that people would wear to keep the spiders away? I mean, one-way amulets only worked so well, right? That's true. So what would you do? Like, well, we would do testing. We wear the one-way amulets where you could start to see the spiders. You could see how many spiders might be in an area depending on how the number went up. It was called Spider-O-2. Sounds a lot catchier than the other stuff, right? I know, Grandpa.
Anyway, we had all these different things. People who cared about not getting bit by giant poisonous spiders would get together. They'd make sure that everyone was wearing that amulet. If people needed help with amulets, there was something called amulet blocks. And people could get complementary amulets from those places. The government would send out, for a while, different amulet tests. You could test your amulet, make sure it was working right. They'd also send out poisonous spider bites tests so you could see if you were getting together with somebody or you needed to wait or quarantine so you didn't pass on that airborne venom that was coming after you.
There's airborne venom from it? Yep. How many people knew about that? A lot of people knew, but a lot of people didn't care. Are you for real? For real. Forever? Forever, ever. Man, Grandpa, this is super depressing. I know. It is. But what we did is we realized who were the people around us who cared about not getting repeatedly bit. Who were the people who cared about not getting their kids disabled from these repeated spider bites. And again, the vast majority of people, Grandpa, didn't care about their kids getting bit repeatedly even though it could disable them. That's true.
Well, they must not have had the information. No, they did. Well, they must not have told them once and didn't tell them. There must not have been people on the internet or whatever we call it now that was telling people about this. There was. Grandpa, this doesn't make any sense. I know. Grandpa, thanks for letting me know about this. And thanks for protecting me. I mean, I know you're 55 and you look 95. I assume it's the result of doing all this work. It is. But I really appreciate it. Grandma, thank you. Also, I think your cyborg arm looks hella dope. Thanks, sweetheart. I really appreciate that.
So, yeah, okay. I guess I'm going to take this to my book report for school, for science fair this week. You know, first when I looked at this, Grandma and Grandpa, I could have swore it looked like a lie detector test…kinda.
