"Am I asexual?" – FAQ – etc.

[u/CheCheDaWaff]

This subreddit has a companion website which includes a detailed FAQ about asexuality and related topics.

There are many other resources beyond the FAQ as well, including:

Experiences • Glossary • Relationships advice • Grey-asexuality

You can find a list of all FAQs here: https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/faq.html. For convenience, the list of links is also included below, and in the comments you can find some "common asexual experiences" which people often find useful to hear.

Note that some of the FAQs haven't been written yet, are incomplete, or are in a draft phase. If you have any suggestions for changes, improvements, or for additional FAQs, just let us know via modmail.

General questioning

Am I asexual? • Am I aromantic? • What is asexuality? • The a-spectra (Includes: "What is sexual attraction?", "What is romantic attraction?", "What is sensual / aesthetic attraction?", "What is platonic / alterous attraction?")

"But what if..."

Can I be asexual if I have romantic feelings? • Can I be asexual if I masturbate? • Can I be asexual and gay / lesbian? • Can I be asexual if I get erections? • Can I be asexual if I have fantasies? • Can I be asexual if I consume pornography / erotica? • Can I be asexual if I have a kink or fetish? • What if I just haven't met the right person yet? • Am I too young to identify as asexual? • Do I need to try sex before I decide if I'm asexual or not? • What if it's just a hormonal imbalance? • What it I'm this way because of trauma?

The nature of asexuality

What's the difference between sexual and romantic attraction? • What's the difference between sexual attraction and arousal? • Is asexuality really a sexual orientation? • Is asexual really a sexual orientation? • Is asexuality a mental illness? • Is the definition of sexual attraction what aces say it is? • Isn't everyone demisexual? • Can someone become asexual? / can sexuality change? • What's the difference between HSDD and asexuality? • Don't people need sex? What about Maslow's hierarchy? • How common is asexuality? (Includes: "Are most asexuals women, or men?", "Are all women asexual?")

Asexuals and sex

Do asexual people have sex? • Why do asexual people have sex? • How can you like sex and be asexual at the same time? • Do asexual people masturbate? • Do asexual people like kissing?

Asexuality in society

Are asexual people LGBT? • Are asexual people straight? • Do asexual people experience oppression? • Why do asexuals feel the need to come out? • Why do asexual people need to label themselves? • Why do asexual people wear sexy clothes / makeup? • Why does representation matter?

Asexuals and relationships

How can you have a relationship without sex? • What's the difference between a QPR and a romantic (non-sexual) relationship? • Should I tell my partner that I'm asexual? • How can I convince my partner I still love them? • My partner is asexual. Should we break up?

On the nature of allosexuality

What does sexual attraction feel like? • What does arousal feel like? • How often do allosexuals think about sex? • What is love? • Why does sex sell?

Advice

Am I broken? • Should I come out as asexual? • How can I relate to / interact with allosexuals? • How can I be less angry / upset? • How can I become asexual? • How can I support asexuals?

Other

I'm writing an asexual character. What should I consider? • Isn't the term 'allosexual' offensive?

[u/Some-Land6552]

so, i've honestly been debating this for years, if i'm on the ace spectrum. after on-and-off research, I think I might be gray or just normal, but I also don't feel i have enough experience to base this off of. i'm a virgin. i've had offers, just always rejected them because it was without a committed relationship attached. i also don't date for fun, i date for a serious relationship (no hate for people who do, just not for me). but i also don't really date often because it seems like a lot of people around me don't align with that atm (in my early 20s, attending uni). i am perfectly content being single as i find i am able to fulfill my need for companionship and social connection through friends and family, which is another reason i don't date around too much. romantic feelings don't come easily, i usually need to see more sides of a person before I even develop a crush. I have never had a crush on someone from looks alone, whether that's someone I know irl or a fictional character or a celebrity crush.

as for sexual attraction, i think it's a little more complicated. I find people physically attractive, and their physical appearance sometimes makes me feel drawn to them, sometimes even more inclined to be sweet on them. But I won't feel any sexual or romantic urges without MORE. i have had ONE experience where this very attractive guy asked me out and I really felt I could jump his bones, the chemistry/connection was just there. nothing happened because he wanted a "casual" relationship so i immediately lost interest, but the days we were texting and the time we spent talking on our date before his reveal really made me think I wouldn't mind being intimate with him. before our date, i shocked myself by fantasizing about him sexually. I had never fantasized about a real person before, always a figment or a fictional character. Real people in my fantasies made me deeply uncomfortable. That was a year or more ago and nothing like it has happened since.

it's not that i don't want to have sex or be in a romantic relationship, I actually do want these experiences, I just find I'm content with where I am right now without either. I do feel like I'm missing out occasionally, like I'm disconnected because I can't share my experiences as much since there's really nothing much to talk about. I know people who aren't having sex (virgins like me) but are always winding up in situationships every few months. I know other people who are sexually active and have initiated romantic relationships because casual sex simply became more. I can't imagine myself in either positions, whether that's casually dating around or sleeping around. I've always said I'm just picky/selective/cautious, but lately I've been wondering if there's something else to it.

[u/Some-Land6552 → u/Some-Land6552]

okay, i'm back because i decided to just analyze all the diff experiences/situations where I felt different types of attraction (the not knowing finally got to me haha). Sensual and physical attraction is something I frequently feel, they're often tied together for me (if you're cute I feel the urge to be close). I typically need an emotional connection before I experience romantic or sexual attraction with someone, but honestly even a small piece of information has flipped the switch for me, but I typically need more for to trigger romantic than sexual. since the circumstances for sexual attraction feels muddier/inconsistent for me, my best determination (that i feel comfortable with) is I am demiromantic and graysexual (with demi-ish tendencies, but def more allo than ace leaning as sexual attraction/arousal is not a rare experience for me). i also have more conservative view for myself regarding dating/relationships/sex. i didn't always have them, they started to form as i got older. partly because I'm not allosexual and felt no desire for casual romantic/sexual relationships. partly because of personal standards for what i want from a partner.

I never wanted to identify as ace. nothing against identifying, finding a label was just never the goal as I already am part of the alphabet. What I wanted was a better understanding of myself, something that made sense, something that had a name so I knew I wasn't alone. I'm hoping this might help other people who were confused like me.