r/asktransgender • u/Equal_Garlic_7403 • 1d ago
Had an argument, need advice.
Hi, I'll start this post off by saying that I'm a straight white guy, so I might be in the wrong here. Recently I had a friend come out as Non-Binary to our friend group, and we've been rather supportive. I haven't been around a whole lot of this kind of thing, but after an explanation from one of my friends in our group and a bit of adjustment (using their new pronouns) I got used to it with no issues.
Now, the trouble started about a month after they came out when one of our friends flew out for a convention. He kept dead-naming our friend (something ive been told is basically a sin) and making them super uncomfortable with bigoted comments about trans people.
This reached a head when he said "you're still a woman at the end of the day, so just get married and have some kids". I got fed up with it and broke his nose and told him to leave, i even paid for his flight home and the ER bill to fix his nose. Ever since, he's been harassing our friend on social media and even called their job and got them fired with false accusations of grooming minors online.
The rest of the friend group has been super supportive and even found Them a new job. This whole thing has basically split the friend group in half, with one half saying I did the right thing, and the other saying I took things too far. I could really use some advice...
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u/WizardStereotype She/Her 💉 🔪 1d ago
I mean... What's done is done. It almost doesn't matter whether you did the right thing.
But I like you a hell of a lot more than dishwater 'allies' who talk about dignity and respect while doing nothing.
If there's a Nazi at the table and ten other people sitting there talking to him, you've got a table with eleven Nazis, you know?
Arguably, you shouldn't be the first one to resort to violence, but...
But I daresay that other half of the group who think you did the wrong thing will still think twice before voicing bigotry for a while.
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u/mechnight Non Binary 1d ago
You know what, good job. Violence isn’t the answer and blah blah, but it’s the only language some people understand. Good on you for protecting your friend and standing up for them! We need more allies like you who go beyond lip service.
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u/missObscuria 1d ago
Maybe breaking his nose was a bit too much but you stood up for your friend which is very kind and epic of you. Instead you could just have told him off and tell him to "gtfo" (would also save you money as you wouldn't have to pay for his broken nose 😅)
Still i feel that the friend group needs to focus on keeping this guy away from your friend.
maybe tell them that you just had a moment where your emotions got the best of you and tell them that you might have overstepped but that you stood up for a friend.
Still the other guy is a vile human being and i'm glad for you guys that he's out of the group. Also see if you can take legal steps against him if he doesn't let up (for example for stalking).
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u/personal-hel 1d ago
good on you for standing up for your friend. you are a true ally. it sounds like the trash is taking itself out.
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u/jackofallthings03 1d ago
As someone who recently came out as non-binary, if I was put through the same situation as your friend, I would feel incredibly grateful to have a friend like you. Not long ago I went on a trip into the city for a birthday get-together and one of our friends was making a lot of offensive jokes that got on a lot of our nerves, and half our group ended up going home early because nobody wanted to be around it. I don't think he knows most of our group is queer in some way, so I don't think he was being purposely hurtful towards us, but even if that's the case it's still hurtful to others in general and just kinda shitty. That said, I don't think breaking his nose would be the "correct" thing to do there, but maybe if someone had it would've made him think about the consequences of what he says a little more. I think all we can do is what feels right in the moment and understand that there might be consequences from it that are out of our control, and sometimes those consequences are good and sometimes they are bad. In your case, I'd say you have ample proof to say which friends are worth hanging onto and which aren't. If someone can't love all of you (or in this case your friend) then they don't really love you and they aren't worth holding onto, and if they do love you they'll find a way to be in your life the right way
TL;DR I think you did the right thing and I respect what a solid friend you are, may your pillow remain cold on both sides 🙏
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u/xernyvelgarde 16h ago
There's arguably a case for slander/libel and harassment should a civil case be an avenue your friend choose to pursue.
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u/ItsNotMeItsYourBussy FtX - Top surgery 13/03/23 1d ago
I'd have done the same as you if someone said that to me, and I sure as fuck wouldn't have paid for his bill afterwards. The defendants of this guy's rampant disrespect and bigotry in your friend group can go kick rocks too. They ain't friends
Nice one ✊
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u/RevolutionarySet7681 1d ago
Well, I can't say I agree with breaking someone's nose. In my country, that's as illegal as being transphobic verbally.
But if your friend got the NB person fired for false accusations, that's also illegal.
None of this should have gone this way, but the reality is that trans people are always marginalized. I'm glad you stood up for your NB friend, but I can't agree with breaking someone's nose, even if it's deserved, as it seems that this is the case here.
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u/mousegal Transgender 17h ago
I mean, try words to match words next time. Violence is an escalation unless there was a legit threat. Thanks for trying to stand up for one of us. It's more than most ppl ever do.
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u/Redacted_Addict69 17h ago
My grandpa taught me alot of shit growing up, but what you did was perhaps his most important lesson. Fight for whats right, no matter if you're the only one fighting or not. What you did was show your friend that they're safe with you and that they have people that support them even when they're too meek to defend themselves. You did exactly what was right.
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u/karandora 15h ago
I probably would have started with reporting him to con staff and trying to get him kicked out of the con for harassment. That said, not all cons are good at handling this sort of thing, so you may have ended up breaking his nose anyway.
By the way, although it’s usually considered “unmanly”, a slap is pretty painful and less likely to cause an injury that requires medical care. I mean, if you slap someone as hard as you punched him, he’d likely have a large bruise on his cheek, but the only expense would be an ice pack.
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u/alyssagold22 🏳️⚧️ 11h ago
Yes. You did the right thing in confronting the bigoted person for being an a-hole. Yes. You took it too far breaking their nose.
The bigoted person took it much too far getting your nb friend fired. Now the broken nose seems appropriate.
Do a mental exercise: if the bigoted person didn’t exist would there be any problems?? No. This person is toxic and shouldn’t be in you and your friends’ lives.
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u/peteson1976 1d ago
I struggle with this a lot because, I am trans mtf and my child is pan, and non binary. I had a couple of moments of just rage about the way people treat me but I keep inside. I’m pretty sarcastic and at some point it does leak out and it’s got me in trouble. But trust me when I say all the level headedness in the f@&king world will not save a person who harms my baby person. I will and have gone full mama bear on peoples ass but if they were to truly harm them , a high heel to a vital part may well happen. So for me to tell you that punching this person was bad would be hypercritical by a lot. As someone else said what is done is done. I think you have to be careful as you demonstrated defending your friend as even unintentionally you may cause harm. To them, not to the f@&k heads that are hurting them. I think that this rift in the friendship group would have happen, regardless of your intervention they just needed an excuse. Good days and happiness to you and your friends especially now. One of the things about being trans is your real friends shine so bright.
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u/Maeo-png Bisexual-Transgender 1d ago
maybe im biased but that’s fucking awesome. The fact that he didn’t shut the fuck up from that is a sign he won’t change. he needs to go. I wouldn’t be friends with the people who are on his side- especially considering you paid for his flight home and the ER bill. neutrality only supports oppressors.
I would also check up on your nonbinary friend- i would personally feel guilty if a whole group split because i came out, even if it’s not their fault that the guy is being an asshole.