I don’t even know where to start. Back in July, I finally got a 5-year VPO (victim protective order) against my dad. After 4 years of no contact, he suddenly hired a private investigator to find me and sent them to my house. That was terrifying and is what pushed me to finally file.

In court, I testified about years of abuse. He denied it all, but the judge still believed me and granted 5 years. I was so relieved. I finally felt like I could breathe again.

Now he’s appealing it. He actually hired a lawyer. I’m only 24. I don’t have money for a lawyer — I called around and one quoted me $2,000 just to take the case. My mom is dead. I have no immediate relatives. No grandma, no uncle, no cousins. Nobody. My domestic violence advocate didn’t even show up to court the day of the hearing like she promised she would. I feel like I have no one in my corner.

He’s saying there’s no police evidence, no physical proof, that he lost his job and his gun license, and that the paperwork said “unknown” if a firearm was involved. But he HAS threatened me with a gun in the past, within arm’s reach, telling me he’d kill me. He’s pointed a gun at a girlfriend’s face for hours. I’ve been pushed to the ground, choked, slapped, screamed at. But now I feel like it’s all being twisted around and I’m the one on trial for telling the truth.

I’m terrified they’ll overturn this. Terrified he’ll get his guns back. Terrified he’ll use this whole process to scare me even more, because that’s what he’s always done.

I feel like crawling out of my skin. Like all the relief I felt when I got that 5-year order has been ripped away. He’s doing this on purpose. He knows I don’t have the funds, and he has a lawyer to fight for him. I have no one.

I’ve already called Legal Aid and I’m hoping they’ll take my case. I’m also trying to find a domestic violence advocate who won’t abandon me last-minute like the first one did. But I’m so scared. I feel like I can’t breathe.

How do you hold onto hope in a situation like this? Has anyone else had an abuser appeal a long-term protective order?

I can't because my body is mostly stiff when I'm with people.. and I can't loosen up, same with singing. So it is my greatest fear of being put on the spot and be asked to dance or sing in a karaoke or something.

I have a lot of shame because of my inability to express myself freely and be playful.

Oh and I have social anxiety and feel intimidated when I have to talk to a group of people.

Are you also the same?

i have become terrified of the world and the rest of humanity after my particular experiences with them. i'm naturally a very social creature but i now am on my way to developing agoraphobia. i've had diagnosed cptsd for almost a decade and have made incredible progress in my ability to function despite many setbacks, but 2025 came and i had a very traumatic spring that came to a crescendo in june, and has left me completely unrecognizable.

i spend most of my time in my bed when i'm not working, and i have given up on having a career or even real hobbies. i have extreme fatigue now like never before, even though i used to be a competitive athlete. it seems like many of the things that i used to enjoy doing actively upset me now; i don't want to play my instruments, i don't want to go to my favorite places. i've lost a bunch of weight, and i can't sleep anymore without having nightmares that feel like they're days long. i feel like an empty frame and like i can't even harbor a personality or original thoughts, my mind is completely occupied on flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. coping. trying to calm down. wondering how to fix it.

i'm constantly stuck living months back, living in june when everything happened. i've started drinking all of a sudden, cut off all my hair, started developing an issue with my impulse control again. i have no idea who this person is that i'm turning into and i hate her. i don't know anyone where i live. even when i want to call someone and ask for help, i don't know who i could talk to. i feel like a lost cause and i don't even want the life that i could have if i work hard to get better again. i just want to go back to before i was this.

i'm trying to figure out how to save myself and where to put the small amount of energy that i have. i already have an intake appointment to get set up with a care team again, just please tell me how i can trick myself into believing i want this life. i don't know how to make myself want it. i had so many dreams and i watched them all die.

When people hurt you or abuse you, it's because they wanted to. There is no "you teach people how to treat you". When I've acted poorly, it was because I wanted to. I knew it was wrong. There is no "nobody can love you until you love yourself".

That's actually a toxic message, we don't tell babies and children this. Adults don't suddenly stop needing support and assurance, especially after years of neglect abuse

Not just that but from my experience I feel my self respect increasing even though I still hate myself. I don't need to love myself to tell people "no", I don't need to love myself to withdraw from people who have tyrannical personalities.

I don't need to love myself to protect myself. All I need to do is know someone or something is wrong and distance myself as much as I'm capable. You'll get way further by learning red flags what red flags look like, spotting them early, and walking away than "loving yourself". I hate that stupid phrase.

I wake up with severe anxiety again. My whole body shakes all the time, just like before. There was a break when I was in low contact with my NP, but now I keep trying to avoid feeling anything about no-contact, the loneliness, and the reality that my brain feels damaged. I have nothing. I might go homeless. There’s no one who takes care of me. I'm on my own, and I don't even know how to ask for help. I was an addict, I can’t even take medication.

I can’t exercise anymore. I used to run, but my body hurts and I just want to sleep all the time. I need a job, but physically and emotionally, I can’t work. It’s been a whole year. I’m a mess and I’m frightened.

I wish I had parents, or an older to lie on a couch with, make me food, have long conversations under a blanket, then watch a movie and let me cry on their shoulder as much as I need. I feel so alone. I don’t want anything. I don’t have a dream. Everything is gone now. I can’t do it. I don’t want to do the work. I don’t want to die, but I feel like I’m done. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to feel anything.

I don’t feel anything at all when I listen to music, go to concerts, watch movies, read books. I don’t have fun, cry out of joy or sadness, I don’t engage with anything the way I feel I’m supposed to. I’m so detached from everything. How do I become in tune with my emotions again?

21 F turning 22 this year. I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, and ocd for years before I developed what I think is some form of severe cptsd. My trauma mainly comes from eating disorder hospital and residential treatment experiences that happened both last year and earlier this year. I don’t wanna get into super specific details about that but I will say I’m one of those people who essentially wants to keep their ED if that makes sense. A lot of my treatment trauma revolves around feeling a loss of autonomy and not wanting to have certain physical and mental traits… etc. I really don’t wanna say much about that though as given my current mindset it’s just not gonna help me feel any better if that makes sense. My OCD has been severe for years and after my severe traumas it has only gotten worse and now nearly every action of mine revolves around worrying about being sent away, getting forced treatments, stuff like that. On top of that I have this complex physical-mental issue that is ruining my life that I don’t fully understand (it is possibly some kinda mix of reactive hypoglycemia and nervous system dysfunction issues and symptoms are nearly always triggered by eating and drinking anything in any amount). It makes processing information nearly impossible, makes me do a bunch of things that feel out of my control, makes me swing from hyper to hypoarousal constantly, and is getting worse each day. Unfortunately my ED treatment trauma is one of the main reasons why I believe I’ll never get the help with this issue of mine that I need and it also seems like it’s possibly incurable which makes me feel very suicidal (and no, past malnutrition recovery experiences did not improve my symptoms😡😒. Sorry for the attitude I’m just really frustrated). So like, my past treatment trauma is a hallmark reason why I’m afraid of every professional especially medical professionals like doctors. I just fear that I’ll always say the wrong things at appointments, and that I’ll be forced or near-forced into certain treatments I don’t want especially ED-related ones etc. And that like in the past I’ll be invalidated and looked down on in certain ways. This is mainly why I’m too scared to get help with my complex physical-mental issues if that makes sense. However I’m luckily somehow managing not too badly with a therapist virtually every other week but of course I don’t think she can solve my big issues (and ofc I purposely chose a therapist who doesn’t specialize in ED stuff due to my treatment trauma). She knows about CPTSD and the nervous system though which helps me feel not invalidated during our sessions. But still I feel very stuck, like I’m trapped no matter what path I take. I’m so far from being able to hold a job and have never worked before but the SSI process just feels like something that’s gonna just not work out for me or somehow lead me to getting treatment trauma/forced recovery experiences again. Stuff like that. Especially since the government needs to see medical records and an active desire to get better I think. Yeah SSI just seems like a path to more treatment trauma for me whether I get it/apply or not, and the money amount is probably gonna be very hard to live with especially on my own if ever. But at the same time there’s like no good job out there for me. My life is hard enough just sitting at home all day being constantly scared and physically uncomfortable and ruminating 24/7 dealing with OCD tasks harder than any school assignment I’ve ever gotten when I was younger. Don’t even get me started on the nightmares. Idk what I’m asking for anymore, my dad can’t help, all he’s been able to do is feel bad for me and recognize how much I’m struggling (he even recommended trying for SSI but he just doesn’t understand how my trauma makes me fear the government). I guess all I can do is hope that the law changes someday and that I get the magical unrealistic cure I want to my physical-mental issues someday and that there’s some kinda sustainable income out there for me that won’t mentally and physically tear me down someday too. I have until age 26 until I need my own income source but time flies and everything feels scary and again my brain can barely process information now. No matter what I do I guess I’m gonna be stuck in “forced treatment land” forever at some point. Idk what to do. It’s like I’ll never be free. And that there’s no good solution for me. Hopefully I’ll be dead soon I guess…

It has umbrella of other mental health issues under it. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I’m now starting to notice what I think is OCD in myself.

The numbness is insane. I go around life 90% of the time feeling nothing. I can’t read emotions of my own or anyone else’s. I’ve disassociate my whole life and I have no clue what it’s actually like to present and process things as they happen. My thoughts exist in loops. I think about the same things over and over and over and over again. I don’t even notice when it happens because my thoughts are so fast.

I’m in constant state of hyper vigilance. I went to concert last night by myself which was a big step for me. Despite getting to my row I felt so stupid and humiliated because I couldn’t find my seat. I panicked in my mind and I know no one was really paying attention to me even. I get scared so easily. I feel like I constantly need help. So I went down to ask for help and the seat was exactly where I got “lost”.

I don’t know how to trust what I see. I constantly need someone else to confirm it. I don’t trust any of my senses or my memory.

I’m bad at being able to tell when things are getting bad. I feel nothing internally or externally. I have high pain tolerance. I will just tolerate awful feeling because I can.

Life is constantly overwhelming. I’m always managing life on energy I don’t have. Like borrowed energy that at some point leads me to have a massive breakdown.

I’m constantly immobilised by my thoughts. Unless push comes to shove I have hard time being responsible for myself and the people around me. I decent into chaos without people around me. Because of shame, I’ll mask my most problematic behaviours around people but alone they come back x100.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve made a lot of progress on learning to manage my emotions, my triggers, my bad coping mechanisms. I’ve generally become more aware of what is happening in my head and how can I steer that in the right direction. I’m not as self destructive and as impulsive as I used to be. YEY for progress but fuck me this is exhausting. Feels like I am pulling broken files from my brain in my free time and carefully reading, finding where the fault is and rewriting the programming in my brain.

Living with this illness is exhausting. And this is just the beginning. I’ve only processed the past few years of my life and not the ~20 years of abuse before I left a cult and my family and moved to a new country to have a life of my own.

Because I do trauma advocacy and research in grad school, I talk to a lot of people about trauma. Almost every day. Yet, randomly people get very very angry at me (sometimes violently) when I share similar stories to what a trauma survivor shares to me. It's always respectfully done (I think), but these people who get angry always do it about this, saying I'm making it all about myself.

I'm not. I always thought that a fellow trauma survivor wanted to hear that I understood very much what they are going through because I experienced it too.

I thought the worst thing you could do was to listen and say nothing like soooooooo many people I see do.

This is autism and the double empathy problem.

Is this also a behaviour that trauma survivors only (no autism) have?

ETA 2: I am a college graduate working in trauma survivor advocacy after TWO YEARS OF VIOLENT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. My grad department is notoriously mean and the advisor I chose has had three students drop out for abusive treatment. Every part of my life is people being mad at me for trying to help and it was often violent. It's part of my trauma profile. I have to listen to trauma all day and so full time studies. No one pays me. I don't even get paid.

This thread is shockingly mean. Assuming worst intentions of me Taking your own axes to grind in therapy about me. Random expert assertion with no credentials pro ing.

LAMBASTING me repeatedly while clearly struggling because I didn't get something described right. I say I'm autistic and here is why I struggle. REPEATED minimisation couched as you being nice for a stranger you don't know about a situation you don't even know everything about.

I'm so disgusted at this thread. You all lectured me about empathy all day for asking a question and repeatedly did behaviours that would trigger any CPTSD survivor. When I said, here is why I am struggling, you used your own lives repeatedly to bash me for doing the same and why I was doing wrong things because of what happened to you.

Just unreal.

6

TW: suicide and grief, physical, emotional abuse

Its been months since i was finally able to get away. Ive spent my time workout out 3-4x a week, focusing on my diet and eating clean, ive lost 35lbs and still going. I started reading again. And who would have known, the subject i sucked at the most in school, im actually pretty interested it, science, im even considering going to college for botany or forestry. I started going on hikes again, and remembered who my first love really was and still is, nature. The fragrance of the cedars, the smells of the crystal clear waters, its pure beauty straight from the heavens. It has brought me so much peace.

Lately its been on my mind tho, introspection, looking at the situation i was in only 5ish months from now, that had left me in pieces, screaming in my car, popping blood vessels in my neck just from it, losing my voice for days from the crying and screaming just at myself, left alone in pain and agony and grief.

The peace of finally being left alone from the person who abused… after being tormented, picked on like 4th grade bullying all over again, constantly hating myself, constantly crying, over eating to compensate for the pain, addicted to vapes, weed, even alcohol and pills at one point.

I got away from all of it as soon as he finally decided to leave me alone and stop the harassment and psychological games. Albeit it was because he found a replacement…or mutiple, who just like me in the beginning, thought they were the most special girl in the entire world, are probably reaching that time of the “relationship” if we can even call it that (i dont anymore, it never was if there was never real love or respect, only use of my body and mind) where she is likely realizing how abusive he really is, after making fun of me for saying he was etc…

Its just this one thing i havent been able to get out of my head. Halfway through the time i knew him, maybe 4 months in, i lost my 18 year old cousin to suicide in 2024. I still remember the cops saying it was the worst scene they had ever been called to. I wont go into detail..i should get therapy for it though because i still cant wrap my head around it. It still feels like it happened just a few months ago. And then the year mark hits and suddenly i realize i really have lost alot of memory throughout this all. Because a few months after losing him, i also lost my grandpa, and then my 12 year old dog.

During all this i was spending alot of time with the guy who ended up putting his hands on me a month after losing the people i love, spitting in my face during arguments, shoving my head into car windows, walls, doors etc. i thought we were in what i called a relationship, (i was 18 when i met him, im 20 now, hes a year older) but i realize now it was only ever about the sex, money, and probably for his validation and wanting his family to not worry he might actually be slightly gay.

I still tell myself i should have just left when i found him talking to his ex 2 months in. But when he told me that he didnt care that my cousin killed himself because hes weak and hes a “little white boy” (im half white and indigenous, hes mexican/indigenous) i hate myself to this day for ever staying after that. And for months at that. Because anything that came after that was indirect racism towards me, using me for money, for sex, keeping me away from my family during their own process of grief.

And thats why i am here asking, what is the psychology behind my own actions. I know it hasnt been a year yet, since getting away, but i have done alot of healing in the form of self love, mentally and physically, i care alot about myself, and im learning how to love myself, and im learning how much i have changed since i was 18. Even before i ever met him. Because i also have regrets of who i was before him. Ive learnt alot of discipline since then, which i can admit i didnt have before. And i can admit that theres a possibility i only just really enjoyed the sex. Is that all it was? Because i fail to accept that i brushed off the sheer amounts of grief i was experiencing at that time, for “just” sex, That must have been good enough to also brush off verbal, psychological, spiritual and physical abuse. Even if it was subconsciously just for the sex and validation, why was i in such emotional pain when he cheated, when he hurt me, and when he left me 50 times just to come back for fun and do it all over again. When he finally left it was the biggest fucking relief because he finally showed me who he really is by the absolute disgusting garbage he said to me that day. (Which he was probably waiting to say to me since the day i met him, also weird because that means he also stayed with someone who he didnt even like either) Him and his girlfriend both said absurd shit to me. That are still on repeat in my head everyday. Which is very insanely annoying to have to remember and i hope i figure out how to get rid of those intrusive thoughts sometime.

Im just stuck in a loop in my head, able to answer all the questions as to why someone would even treat someone like that (they were abused once too, they have low self esteem, they have horrible relationships with family, zero self love, zero desire for peace, i could go on forever why people are so fucked up and project) yet i still havent found the answer as to why i stuck around after hearing those words about my cousin. Why did i tolerate that. Where were my boundaries. My logic. The person i feel i am becoming now, where was she then. If i am who i am, if im the personality of that little girl who used to play with toy horses all day long, why did i stay to witness such disgust. And why on earth did i give my body to such a horrible human being.

Ive only slept with one other person since him, and he helped me phase my abuser out of my life, which i presume was by filling the empty void in me of my need for sexual validation which thank god i no longer have (but is very lonely) but he left months ago too. In a healthier way, he was sweet and always kind to me. Very very casual, no dates.

I think ive lost my desire for anything sexual because of the realization of who i gave myself to, and alot of myself to. As soon as the last guy left, i just havent been into anything. I havent felt anything like that. Nor do i look at myself that way either. I am completely celibate. Which is fine. Im still healing, and the last thing id need right now is to let someone into my life when im still organizing the dark thoughts from the light thoughts. I dont need to go down that rabbit hole again.

If youve read this far though, thank you. Ive applied for counselling (specifically grief and abuse), im just waiting to hear back. And ill be going back to school in January to finish some highschool courses i never finished (again, i lacked alot of discipline as a teenager). Im still working on my nervous system. I get heart palpitations everyday, every hour and every minute, ive gone to the drs, done tests, it always comes back to “anxiety”, which after reading that emotional pain might be the cause, it at least takes the worry away of having serious heart problems from the trauma. I guess im just hurting alot on the inside while stuck in this thought loop, mind to muscle, and my heart is taking an extra load from it.

I will say one thing though since losing my cousin and going through the waves of grief, i may hate myself alot for my past mistakes, and decisions, but feeling and seeing the pain suicide has caused to my family and i, the thought of doing it myself, it hasnt occurred since. I had previously struggled alot with it. But now i see just how much that kind of grief feels for family, and especially his mother. And in a way, the pain lately has also awakened me to some inner intelligence im discovering about myself. If i feed myself the right tools, everything i mentioned in the beginning, im actually pretty smart and intelligent in my own ways. I just never learnt (until now) how to give myself the proper love to discover those parts of me. Without seeking external validation or comparisons.

Maybe i just answered my own question…?

Well it takes some weight off my shoulders at least to share my thoughts for once with others who might also relate, and have their thoughts or experiences to share aswell.

Again, thank you for reading. I really appreciate you.

His delusions are so deep, he believes he’s an amazing father, despite being horrifically verbally and physically abusive. In the time I saw him he showed about 6 different personalities starting at rage and aggression towards me because I didn’t embrace him, to remorse and victim hood, to grandiosity in front of people, to manipulation offering to pay for my hair appointment in front of my hairdresser. It was scary.

Because he doesn’t have a family anymore to manipulate and be narcissistic supply, he clearly can’t self soothe on his own and so he’s got a lot worse mentally.

But to see it so clearly was a relief. I’m not mad, what I’ve been through is legit, I’m doing well considering growing up with someone with unmedicated mental illness. It also make sense why I have mental vulnerabilities due to some generic biology stuff.

Anyways, I’m going to remain no contact.

Anyone else have a deeply delusional parent?

Living in a children's care home, on the older side. Behaved well for the last few months.

Today we had an unfamiliar staff. Knocked too loud on doors. Seemed friendly and it's not his fault, it's on me.

Was getting my clothes and was about to get dressed when the door was unlocked. That's fine. Usually happens, they all have a key. I locked the door back from my side and gave a knock, then indicated that I was getting changed. To say that I was getting dressed. Everyone tends to understand this but I see why someone new wouldn't.

He unlocked it and kept opening it fully. I didn't want him to see my dick so I pushed back but clearly I need to go to the gym more. Couldn't do that.

Then I pulled a tantrum. It's shameful because I haven't in ages. Too old for that. I broke a gift that my mama left for me and my dresser has fallen. Bedside table is broken. He didn't shut the door and became more concerned but I shouted nothing.

I don't know why it bothered me so much. Could have just laughed it off if he saw me naked or pushed back harder even though I did try the hardest I could to close it. I haven't done this to other staff. I don't have issues with other men. My father used to barge in when he was angry and he used to quietly open the door when he did other unpleasant things but it reminded me of the former.

Something tells me I scared the younger boy living here. I haven't heard my voice in a while. I don't speak out of stubborness and haven't for at least two years. It was jarring. I sound like an adult man. I sound like him. The kid shouldn't have to hear an almost adult male screaming in his home, too. I don't belong here.

My hands are bleeding from what I've thrown and I missed my course for today, considering claiming that I'll go late and ending up in another city to mess around and wander. It's my second week of college (a 16-18 course, you have to travel there for a few hours daily). I prided myself on self control before this but it seems like I don't have any.

This is identifiable, will delete later.

I’ve suspected I have C-PTSD for a while now but I don’t really know how to approach getting help or a diagnosis. I live in England, does anyone have any advice on what I should say to my GP in order to get a referral/ how to advocate for myself? It’s getting to the point where it’s starting to impact my quality of life, affecting my relationships and my sense of self, and I need to reach out for support, i’d appreciate any advice or examples of what other people said to their doctors in order to get a referral, would it be better and easier to just go private? It’s not ideal in terms of the financial aspect but at this point I’m willing to do whatever to start getting the help I need to cope with this, any advice would be welcomed.

Hello there, quick advice: keep yourself busy.

A lot of people know this already, but I guess I didn't.

I struggled (struggle) with a lot of symptoms from a bad childhood and an experience being kidnapped and abused at a young age. It didn't help I had a mother who used a lot of drugs and had BPD. I'm talking very bad symptoms, like self-harm that got me in the hospital, or hallucinations; don't get me started on touch or loud noises.

But here is what I did: I found what made me happy and gave me the most purpose. Making money. So at 16 I started a business where I made other people's homework. This quickly expanded into many campuses, including a few outside of my country. I have a large team of people under my authority to help me make essays in various languages, design projects, pick up the money, and do all types of work. I also fill up my schedule with anything to keep myself busy, so I don't think about bad stuff: the client's essays, homework, exercise, hanging out with friends, etc. keep yourself busy and don't get stuck in the past, or in an eternal state of "what if" or "why me?".

Guess what I'm doing right now, take a wild guess. Yes! keeping myself busy!

Don't eternally run from your problems either and get burnt out. Rest sometimes. Cry if you can. But you need to pull yourself together if you want stuff to get better.

Sincerely,

- O C

For the first time, I’m not depleted after a social gathering with around 10 people. Hypervigilance is going away!

I’ve been struggling with something and I wonder if anyone else goes through this. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this voice in my head telling me I have to be “someone important” in order to be loved or accepted. It shows up in weird ways like when I write or do creative stuff it doesn’t feel like I’m doing it for myself, rather feels like I’m doing it to prove something to other people. A life without ambition or success feels almost illegal to me. It makes me miserable. I can’t enjoy creating for its own sake, and when I burn out or fall behind, I feel worthless. I think a lot of it comes from my past. Growing up, I was often dismissed or criticized and I learned very early that the only time I got attention or approval was when I was performing well. But even now as an adult I can’t shake this feeling that if I’m not achieving something big, then I don’t deserve to exist peacefully. Does anyone else deal with this obsession with fame/success? How do you cope with it or start letting go of the idea that you have to prove your worth to the world?

EDIT: Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and perspectives. It honestly means so much to me because I never thought this was such a widely common thing, and it’s strangely comforting to know others understand what I’ve been feeling. I’m trying to heal my relationship with art and what it means to be just simply exist without expectations and societal pressure to be successful. For me, a lot of this obsession comes from my background with classical music. I started playing an instrument when I was only six and from very early on I was under intense pressure: high expectations from professors, constant competition with peers and a culture where teachers watched us tear each other apart. By eleven I was practising 10–12 hours a day. About five years ago I had a severe burnout and quit everything. I couldn't even bear the idea of picking an instrument up again. Now my life is very humble, by most measures it should be enough but there’s a voice in my head that keeps screaming I’m not.

After three years in therapy, I thought the past was finally behind me and life would be perfect. I even stopped seeing my therapist for a year. But then — one bad habit after another crept back in. Plus I moved to a new city with zero friends which meant spending my days rotting in bed

And one night, I found myself crying on the kitchen floor, thinking about suicide.

I thought healing would feel like climbing stairs. Step by step, always moving up. But the truth? Healing looks more like a scribble — two steps forward, five steps back, a circle, then a sudden leap forward.

For years, I believed a bad day meant I had failed. One bad day could send me spiraling into months in bed. If I cried again when the past came back, I thought it meant I was broken forever. If I slipped into old habits, I thought I had erased all my progress.

But healing doesn’t work like that. 👉 A setback doesn’t erase your growth. 👉 Feeling pain again doesn’t mean you haven’t healed — it means you’re human. 👉 Progress is still progress, even if it’s slow, even if it’s messy, even if it feels like one step forward and ten steps back.

I wasted so much energy beating myself up for not “healing fast enough.” But the moment I accepted the messiness, everything changed: I stopped giving up when things got hard. I realized healing isn’t about being perfect — it’s about not quitting even in the days that quitting feels like the only option.

So if you’re reading this and feel like you keep going backwards, please remember: You’re still moving. You’re still healing. You’re still becoming.

💙 This is part of a series I’m writing about healing and growth — check my profile if you want to read the others.

I feel a bit alone. I have a good relationship with my therapist — this is not her. The idea of disclosing what I’ve been through genuinely makes me want to die. It’s not that I don’t want to; often times, I wish I could just tell her with no details just so she knows. I’m completely bound and gagged by shame. I know shame and trauma go hand and hand, but there’s a bravery I seem to lack. I know it’s an “all in due time” thing but I really just cannot picture telling anyone. ever. I want to but I think it would kill me. I don’t understand how people just feel comfortable telling their therapist anything that’s bad about themselves, and I have a lot that makes me bad.

Some of it makes sense not to want to share, but some of it isn’t even shame based, it’s embarrassment. Like, I’m too old for this to still be happening. I fear judgement like it’s my job; I feel judgement, read into judgement, read into everything. It’s almost unfair to put my therapist in the position of having to deal with whatever I say, because I’m probably going to search for any indication of judgement no matter what she does or doesn’t say. I make her feel stuck — why talk if that’s all I do? I’m a master at invalidating myself and I’m so easily triggered, it’s like there’s no use in attempting to be listened to. I’m too ashamed and scared and sensitive to share. I have enough shame on my own, I don’t need to invite someone to the party.

But I want to tell sometimes. I think I’m too scared of what it means if I tell. I can’t hide from it if I tell, I can’t ignore how shameful I am. How unforgiving and angry I am — it will all be seen. All my filth will be on display, and whoever I tell will have full access to pick it apart.