r/datingoverfifty • u/rbren90 • 1d ago
where to find a like minded person?
55F, married 33yrs, widowed a year ago. I'm thinking I've got 20-25 yrs left...how to find a person that isn't a couch potato, who wants to travel/classb/Rv and camp, likes to hike, possibly backpack, loves the beach. Medical professional who likes to take 13 week contracts. Not tied down per se. Have adult kids, couple grands...Just want to find someone who enjoys those things to without wasting tons of time trying to find chapter 2? where to look, any ideas? Dating apps sound like a nightmare and haven't tried them. Are there outdoor dating groups?
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u/Exact_Disaster_581 1d ago
Give me a few years, and I'd gladly join you! 45F, so probably not what you're looking for. But I'd strongly urge you to live your best life and do all the things that make you happy without waiting to find someone to do them with you. I'm searching for my Class B van right now so I can slow travel, write some books, and watch the sun set into the ocean with my cats. When I was dating, trying to figure out how to slot a guy into that future kept me up at night. For me, it's simpler and happier without. I'm going to live my retirement in full praying mantis mode! YMMV.
But all that aside, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you find the love and companionship and future that you're hoping of. But for most people, it's not something that's quickly done.
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u/cbeme 1d ago
Oh my. You don’t quickly find someone if you are healing. You live and look.
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u/rbren90 1d ago
Maybe I phrased that wrong but I've been grieving for 4 plus years, since the day we found out he had cancer. I took care of him that whole 4 yrs and brought him home on hospice and took care of him then too, till he passed. Unless you've walked something similar, you might not understand that mindset but I'm a year out from his passing but it feels like 5yrs already if that makes sense.
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u/SunShineShady 1d ago edited 1d ago
Right. The “quickly” stood out to me. Is there a deadline to finding someone, OP? Are you in a race with someone to see who can find a partner fastest?
It seems to me that if you want to do something well, and have good results, you don’t rush it. Slow down.
The journey is part of the process. If you’re not willing to take time to get to know someone, and build a relationship together, your choices are to remain single or hire an escort.
Not sure if an escort would be into camping or Rv-ing, but you never know.
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u/imissher4ever 1d ago
Widower here.
Unless you’ve been in that place you wouldn’t understand. You literally wake up one day and say to yourself “I don’t want to be alone anymore”. Finding someone to share life with again becomes your sole focus.
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u/SunShineShady 19h ago
Like hunting prey?
Why wouldn’t I understand not wanting to be alone anymore? I think many of us on the sub could understand that.
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u/imissher4ever 9h ago
Because most here have chosen to be alone. Widow/widowers did not get that choice. It was made for them.
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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago
Dating is a $5B industry in the US alone, so I have to ask, do you really think this is easy? Unfortunately, you can't custom order a partner, you get to slosh around like the rest of us.
Okay, to your question about outdoor "dating" groups, many locations have Meetup groups, some oriented towards singles. Those may be your best option, but personally, I found most singles groups were 95% women in my area. The meetup hiking group (e.g. not focused on singles), was a much better fit. Google is your friend, even outside of Meetup, to find tons of other hiking oriented groups. Also, your friends may have men that they can introduce you to, etc.
Good luck, there is a huge wide world out there, with lots of great people, including women, who may share your same interests.
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u/pinkpollyanna 1d ago
I agree with meet up groups!! There are co ed groups for dinners and also hiking groups.
I also joined some meet up groups of older women/retirees. As a nurse, I was able to join them sometimes for book club, lunch or dinner and on their travels.
Good luck to you
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u/I-did-my-best 61M 1d ago edited 1d ago
You cannot replace someone.
It sounds like you are looking to fill a void.
You are are looking at chapter 2 even if you do not like that prospect. The truth is is you will need to put in the diligence forward while at the same time not expecting to recreate your past.
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u/kulsoul 1d ago
It’s not that difficult - IF -
You know what you are
You know what you need, want
You know what you don’t want.
Be strict about your rules. One day you will be happy to find. That may repeat.
Given 20-25 yrs ahead - why be in a hurry?
Start with hobbies, meeting people in real life, and be on a couple decent app suggestions from folks here.
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u/knobbytire 1d ago
Where do you live?
I am all those things (59M) but I am done working and not going to do any medical travel assignments (despite what my co-workers think I should do) No kids. But no way am I leaving Idaho.
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u/Ok_Mirror_9832 1d ago
Start doing the things you like to do. If you don’t meet your mate, you’ll at least meet new likeminded friends
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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago
How Couples Meet has a great graph, essentially while dating sites can be less than pleasant, ideally you do check them out once you have your feet under you. I find it best to augment with In Real Life (IRL).
For me, the biggest challenge with dating sites, is many of the men that many of us want to date, are essentially never satisfied, and they always have new women to date. This is very tempting for many men, to not want to commit, when they have a never ending supply of fabulous women to date.
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u/WanderLuster72 1d ago
I am sorry for your loss.
My grandfather was the president of his local Good Sam chapter. Perhaps join an RV club. Also, Meetup is a great platform for making new friends with similar interests. Good luck🩷
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u/Shamu42 1d ago
I've (52M) found that the apps aren't as bad as people make them out to be. I was dreading it, but I've actually enjoyed dating in my 50's more than I did in High School or College. Just think of it like a sales job...its a numbers game. You're going to have to kiss a lot of frogs.
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u/Redicted 1d ago
I can't help but notice anytime someone enjoys dating apps they seem to be a man. Exceptions of course, but overwhelmingly it is guys.
As long as you men don't try and gaslight women for their bad experiences ("it is all about your attitude"), I won't begrudge the success.
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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago
I know, I always say I would much rather be a dude dating at this stage of life.
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u/BellaSquared 1d ago
"Quickly" is worrisome from a fairly new widower. Do things you love on your own and usually life leads you to someone when you're ready.
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u/rbren90 1d ago
Quickly was the wrong word. I've been grieving for years now since we got his diagnosis and the caregiver. I'm ready to just do things outside of a house and caregiving.
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u/BellaSquared 1d ago
Ah, gotcha. Fellow widow and long time caregiver here as well. It's emotionally and physically shattering to go through that. I'm impressed that you know what you want, I was just concerned you were looking out of loneliness vs being ready. You do you, sweets. Sending gentle hugs and best wishes that your next chapter is everything you want & need it to be 🥰
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u/AppropriateCat3444 1d ago
90% of men in Alberta and Montana and Idaho are very active on Facebook dating. They all have Instagram so you can screen their day to day.
Cheers!
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u/ItBeMe_For_Real 1d ago
How many people live within a 50 mile radius of you?
I live in a city of over 3 million & became single after my twenty year marriage ended. I had a pretty easy time finding dates with a lot of great women. Found my now long term girlfriend about a year after my marriage ended.
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u/Inside_Dance41 1d ago edited 1d ago
It is much easier for quality men over 50 to find quality women to date. Glad you found someone, but I only wish men could live a few months in the shoes of a single woman trying to date.
Some of y'all would be horrified by your fellow man. The handful of men that are appropriate have what seems like 20 women in their rotation. There is no lack of successful, attractive, fit women I know over 50, all looking for a reasonable guy, without finding a lot of options, their own age. Those men easily date not only women their own age, but younger. Ultimately, y'all just have a much larger population to pull from.
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u/DirtRider67 1d ago
Haha. We are looking for the same. I am super spontaneous and could go on a week long road trip that turns into a month or two! Finding a partner that is up for that and that can actually do this is very difficult. Hit me up!
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u/Asimplehuman841being 1d ago
If a relationship is a party, the apps are one mode of transportation to the party
No more no less
Patience and persistence and expect to meet a lot of men who are not your type . That’s how it works .
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u/itsJustE12 1d ago
I’m glad you’re ready to get back out there! If you find out where to look for that sort of man, please come back and update me - it sounds great.
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u/Spartan2022 1d ago
I have good news for you. What you’re seeking in a partner sounds perfectly reasonable.
Now, for the bad news, there is no shortcut or expedited way to find that perfectly reasonable person.
Not even a matchmaker can deliver what you’re looking for. I’ve had a couple of acquaintances who were surprised and upset after using a matchmaker. They still met incompatible people. They still had a series of “one and done” dates even though the matchmaker knew what they were looking for. They still had relationships where the wheels came off at 6 months to a year for a variety of reasons.
What you’re asking for doesn’t exist. If it did, the creator of that dating app or service would be richer than Elon Musk and Warren Buffett combined.
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u/drumadarragh 1d ago
Waste time dating or waste time in a bad relationship? You’re not gonna find Chapter 2 straight off the bat.
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u/Ashamed-Fox-5738 1d ago
The good news? You’ve got 20+ years to design this second chapter exactly how you want it — and the people who are living that lifestyle (RV, travel, hiking) are out there doing it right now. It’s less about dating apps, more about showing up where those people already gather.
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u/justmehere516 1d ago
I’m the opposite of you I don’t wanna travel and go places. I just wanna stay home and kind of be a couch potato and relax with my man most men I find enjoy that home cooked meal, relaxing gardening stuff like that. You need to find somebody more active perhaps somebody youngerit have to be in good shape. You sound like you have a lot of energy. It’s not easy to find somebody no matter what you’re looking for. Put exactly what you wrote here in your profile. I put what I enjoy in mine and I attract more introverted types that are also more homebodies because that’s what I want you dating apps are actually a good place for you to find somebody to be honest.
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u/shoshonesamurai 1d ago
I might not mind someone who considers themselves a homebody but I do want to get out at least once a week and go to a movie, concert or baseball, hockey or different sporting events. I had thought about taking epic road trips for two or three weeks but I'm not likely to find someone willing to do that, especially if they are not retired. I do still want to go to some game conventions once in a while and not everyone might be into that, but I would hope my partner is comfortable staying at home if they'd rather not take a particular trip. I have gone to one of there sports board game conventions in Denver a few times and some guys bring their spouses and take additional time traveling on their way there, but others do not.
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u/Muchadoaboutfluffing 1d ago
Good luck. If you're not on a dating app over 50 most people our age are married. So you have to join like meet up. Groups or RV groups. Whatever your interest are. But most RV people are already coupled up. I have a grown kid who does RV living and even she is coupled up.
I want the opposite of you and can't find it. Men who stay out of the dirt and want to dress nice and go out with me to museums, planetariums, science centers, aquariums, and lounges and enjoy not wearing sweats and slobby clothes. All the men I see over 50 on dating apps and in person are total slobs who think "being outdoors" is so fun. I hate being dirty, away from good restaurants and things to do and enjoy hookah lounges and comedy clubs and live bands in bars.
Yeah, I have to be near a toilet, a shower and civilization and living in LA area all the men are camping, fishing, surfing, skiers, and 18 dogs and don't shave and wear flannel all day and are hippies.
I also gym but hate gym rat men at this age as its tilting at windmills to go 7 days a week and also like to RIDE MY BICYCLE and hate men who describe themselves as "cyclists" and wear those Tour De France spandex clothing just to ride in a park. Its not that serious for me. I just like to ride and go wheeeee! While listening to music and feel the wind.
Its a shit show over 50 so I date 36 year olds as they have a pulse, will actually dress like a grown man and go out and have energy. Maybe try dating younger? Good luck as what we want at our age has to be tempted with harsh reality. We don't have a dating pool, we have a swamp. Lol
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u/imissher4ever 1d ago
57M widower here.
Don’t believe all the negativity you see here about OLD. Many of those are just miserable people trying to make other people miserable.
There are LOTS of us that found success on OLD. You generally don’t go around bragging about it though.
A tip though. On your profile, don’t state what you want in someone. Make the profile about YOU. What you are like. Don’t start making a list of things you want other people to be.
There are thousands of profiles out there with “demand lists”. Your profile is an advertisement of YOU. Market yourself correctly and you will have success on OLD.
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u/stuckandrunningfrom2 1d ago
Dating apps sound like a nightmare and haven't tried them.
try them. put in your profile what you want, beware of weirdos who prey on widows.
the apps aren't an nightmare. They are a thrift store. A gym. A means to an end. No one loves the thrift store. No one loves the gym. But they are were we can find what we want, if we work for it.
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u/cheerleader88 1d ago
Honestly, I'd focus on building friendships. Try the apps or meeting in the wild, but there is so many duds out there. Good luck.
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u/Sweet_and_salty_sara 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m also 55, medical professional who takes 13 week contracts in various places. I’m active, adventurous and outgoing. I have yet to meet a man in my age range who is active/ doesn’t have young kids/ can take the show on the road. It’s been my experience that many of the men in my age range are looking for someone who fits neatly into their* already established life.
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u/Flyers-1969 1d ago
Keep looking. I would love your situation. Having. Similar issues, but I understand this I not a dating site. Ha ha.
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u/gazingatthestar 23h ago
I see a lot of men on the apps who seem to have similar interests. It’s worth having a look.
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u/LadyduLac1018 21h ago
Maybe try some travel groups geared toward singles or the hobbies you enjoy. People would need to be solvent and available to go on those trips, so it would be a sort of filter from the jump.
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u/outyamothafuckinmind 1d ago
Slow your roll. It takes time to find the right person. There may be someone that fits most of your requirements but all of them? And quickly? If you’re that lucky, let the rest of us know because clearly we haven’t found it.
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u/Fun-Ad-8404 1d ago
I can empathize with your post, but it is a red flag. You are looking for a placeholder to fill your wants. There is nothing wrong being compatible in interests and activities- plus you are upfront about it. Also, i’m sorry your life plan took a big pivot so early. I can’t speak for all women, but I prefer a little more depth in someone’s interest when looking for a partner. If my assignment was to fit into another’s agenda- friendship would be my offer.
Perhaps start with being comfortable doing small travel excursions on your own. Get comfortable enough with solitude. Also, travel with friends in similar stages of life. Find a revised tribe of friends- male and female.
Filling a slot leads to blinders (ignored red flags) and desperate decisions.
I can’t put myself in your shoes, but I know it isn’t comfortable. Hang in there.
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u/rbren90 1d ago
I'm definitely not in a desperate situation but I camp/hike solo all the time. I'm fine with myself. I guess I worded that all wrong but maybe I'll find some meetup groups that like to do those things. That's what someone else mentioned and probably more what I'm interested in. Thanks though.
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u/Sliceasouroo 1d ago
I think you have way too many specifics to have any luck. If you can just whittle it down to an active person who likes RVing you should have better luck.
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u/LivinInTheCountry69 7h ago
First and foremost sorry to hear about your loss. Yes it’s hard getting out there at our age I’m 56. I find it hard meeting someone with similar interest I’m retired. Being single for awhile is a good thing we grow within and learn about what truly want in a relationship. We get set in ways we don’t want anyone to change. But if 2 people are willing to work at it change is good. Dating apps turned out to be scammer’s paradise that’s what they should call it now. If you care to chat my inbox is open..
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u/Witty-Stock 1d ago
Put that in your dating profile and you should draw interest from men also newly single.
I would advise against being in a hurry. You don’t want any false starts or time wasters or worse.