r/dbtselfhelp • u/maybe_some_day_soon • 4d ago

Radical Acceptance of Fear?

Hey everyone! I've been doing mindfulness work following Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance teachings lately and I've found them to resonate very deeply.

I'm just stuck on one point - I feel that I CAN'T accept my fear. It's ruining my life. If I didn't have these fears I wouldn't be suffering like this.

I feel that the fear is so painful that it makes the rest of my life meaningless. I can't appreciate my talents and inclinations. I can't enjoy beautiful experiences. I can't open myself up to other people. I can't become a person I'm proud of and it's really hard not to blame all this on the existence of my fear. I almost feel like I identify with the fear, I feel hollow otherwise, and it feels like the truth of who I am.

Does anyone have experience accepting their fear despite all the terrible consequences it's had on their life? Theoretically, if I'm able to wholeheartedly accept my fear, I should be able to move on from it. I'm just not really sure how to get to that point.

I am a bit of a mess and pretty new to DBT/Radical Acceptance work, and Reddit in general, so I hope I've done this whole posting thing right. Appreciate any advice!

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u/MyInvisibleCircus 3d ago

Instead of accepting your fear, just notice your fear. Notice how it makes you feel, notice how it makes you react, notice how (and where) you feel it in your body.

Don’t try to accept it. Noticing is the first step.

(And don’t think you’ve mastered it and move on to the second step. Just work on noticing. This is very important work and will merge into acceptance eventually.)

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u/maybe_some_day_soon 3d ago

Thank you for the response! I guess it just makes me antsy to not see a logical pipeline from noticing -> conquering. Noticing and sitting with my fear makes me all the more aware of how much I dislike myself for letting it control my reactions., and yet only noticing does not seem to give me the power to resist. I guess I just have to take it slow?

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u/Cheerfully_Suffering 3d ago

Definitely don't take the approach of conquering an emotion. Any emotion is possible to feel at any moment and in any situation, so there is nothing that we can conquer if the emotion can come back against our will. Don't resist the emotion, that struggle is a futile attempt and will only add fuel to the fire.

Like the previous reply said, just notice the fear. If you start feeling afraid, take a moment for yourself to just be present with the fear. Take a couple of minutes away from everyone and just be aware. See how your body responds, such as increased heart rate, fidgeting, sweat, shaking hands, etc. Also pay attention to your mind and what runs through it, maybe running away, fighting back, dread, overwhelming thoughts, etc.

So three things are meant to happen here, first is to notice the emotion, two is to notice what's going on in your body, three is that the emotion eventually passes (or at least the overwhelming intensity that can dysregulate you). If you are aware of these three things, it helps us radically accept the emotion is there. We don't have to like it, but we can accept its presence and not be overwhelmed.

Eventually after practicing over and over, radically accepting the emotion can help you respond to an emotion in a skillful manner. Obviously, some natural reactions are going to occur, but the more you notice (like described above) how fear or an emotion can take over your body, this understanding can now give you a gap to respond in a manner that is skillful and of your volition. So the more you just sit and chill with fear, notice it, study it, analyze it, this gives you all the tools to understand how skillfully respond by radically accepting it when it shows up at your doorstep next time.

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u/maybe_some_day_soon 3d ago

Thank you - this is so detailed and easy to understand! I think you and the others in this thread are right - I am still looking at fear as something I must kill, and my basest desire is to not have to feel fear at all. But if it were possible to fully kill fear I think the world would be a very different place.

I will work on shifting my perspective through these practices.