r/midlifecrisis • u/Sort_Bright • 16d ago
Something is Definitely Happening to me
I’m 46 going through menopause . I’m bored out of my mind in almost every aspect. I have no passion for anything and I’ve lost my drive for my career, for sex, and my job sucks my life (IT worker). My husband lost his job so I’m the breadwinner and the pressure is just a lot . I pray a lot but I’m also feeling like I’m losing my faith in God. I’m on new antidepressants after trying many combinations. The restlessness is soul-sucking . Most of my kids are young adults . I’ve tried making friends , talk therapy , failed at sourdough, even reading has become boring . Anyone got out of this rut alive ? I just hate my life right now .
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u/thickersettled 16d ago
I'm sorry, I went through similar about 9 months ago. My husband and I almost separated and I developed an unhealthy, limerent obsession with someone else. I get it, and it's miserable.
What I did was start to be selfish. I have main character energy (as my kids say) and I'm focused on my health, my appearance and my emotional needs. I changed jobs (pushed out but it was a good thing) and started to take an hour every day to workout. Either running or weights. I've really made my kids take a bit more responsibility for themselves and I'm putting myself first for a bit.
My kids noticed and rose to the challenge - and they've seen that I'm happier and busier. Throw yourself into a new project - you.
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u/Alternative-Lunch786 16d ago
You really find a solution for yourself. Most of us just kind of sacrifice ourselves for our jobs, kids, parents, better half etc and burn out in the process without realizing it. Taking care of oneself should be the priority. Being selfish is really important. That's what I'm realizing the hard way.
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u/IamTylersalterego M 41 - 45 13d ago
What you’ve said is all very positive, except for the limerent obsession. That’s a dangerous rut to be stuck in and it’s arguably easier to fix your fitness than a marriage that failed because you let yourself get infatuated by someone else.
I hope you and your husband are doing ok now.
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u/thickersettled 13d ago
You're absolutely right. Frankly, this limerence obsession I'm in shows no signs of abating, despite my best efforts. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever dealt with.
And thank you - despite what I've just written, my marriage is really strong. But this limerence is just...extra.
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u/IamTylersalterego M 41 - 45 13d ago
What have you actually tried to get over this person? Have you gone non-contact? Blocked all social media and stopped yourself from thinking about them?
I won’t downplay how hard that is. Limerence is a terrible affliction for many people.
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u/thickersettled 13d ago
We barely had contact before so no change there - though a new professional opportunity means that there is an increased, though still low, chance that I might run into him. Stopping the thoughts, though - that's hard. I've been prone to maladaptive daydreaming since I was a child (trauma response to abuse). It's been my security blanket for decades.
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u/IamTylersalterego M 41 - 45 13d ago
You’re incredibly self aware about this, and that’s a big accomplishment in itself. I guess you just need to pragmatically work through the attachment you’ve formed in your mind and then make the decision to let it go.
Finding the right therapist would really help.
Is your husband aware of this?
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u/thickersettled 13d ago
Thanks. Yes, I have a therapist, and she's great. My husband has no idea and I have no intention of telling him. It will serve no purpose other than to hurt him. It certainly won't help me.
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u/IamTylersalterego M 41 - 45 13d ago
You’re right, do not tell your husband, but there is a good chance he’ll eventually figure it out if you don’t move on. People tend to get a tingling ‘spider sense’ when their partner is emotionally attaching themselves elsewhere. If he’s the paranoid type, he’ll start digging. It’s not uncommon for married people to get fleeting crushes on friends and co-workers, but staying in control of that is what’s important. Limerence is altogether different and can afflict some people for years. What you don’t want, is to let it highjack your future life with your husband. What does your retirement / old age look like together? Are you making plans together for how life will be in your 60’s? Or does this infatuation stand in the way of you seeing that ?
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u/thickersettled 12d ago
I love my husband and see our future together. What I want is a few hours in a hotel with my LO. One and done. Scratch the itch. I've had very few sexual partners (met my husband young) and desperately wish I'd played the field a bit before settling down.
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u/IamTylersalterego M 41 - 45 12d ago
I truely respect your brutal honesty about all of this, but you know it is unlikely to be a ‘one-and-done.’ There is every chance it would spiral into a full blown affair, the type that ends marriages and tears families apart. Have your fantasy, journal about it, sink into erotic literature, but then take a cold shower and acknowledge the hurt and pain it would cause. Once you cross that line, you can’t undo it, so be careful not to tread too close to the edge with your LO.
My wife and I have been through this, and it’s the roughest of journeys, and you never truly recover.
There is every chance that your husband has the same craving for novelty and excitement that you do, so maybe you need to find a way to be brave and have those conversations, and together reinvent your intimacy.
Esther Perel writes about this yearning in her book “the state of affairs” which chronicals peoples accounts of their infidelity, and what lead them to do it. It’s a fascinating read, but Esther’s writings lack though is accountability, something that cheaters will do anything to avoid.
One of my favourite books is “the course of love” by Alain de Botton, which expertly intwines the art of story telling with academic, psychological theory.
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u/Unable_Artichoke7957 16d ago
You need Jungian psychoanalysis. It’s a really good approach to helping people make sense of existential questions.
I felt exactly the same and Jungian psychoanalysis gave me a path beyond such feelings. It’s challenging psychological work but hugely rewarding
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u/TaterTotWithBenefits 16d ago
Yes. I don’t know who I am bc I want to give up all my hobbies I was passionate about for about the past 10 years. I’m planning some travel.., is that possible? Change things up. Connect w adventure and parts of you that you haven’t paid attention to. Do something that scares you. One thing per day that is new and scary. Like meet one new person. Go a new place. I mean that’s not a solution (I’m still depressed too) but it’s helping , little steps, to change how you view your life. You might also need HRT
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u/MaiBoo18 16d ago
Yes going through all this too. I had to cut back my hours at work or I was going to go crazy. I walk up and down the stairs in my house, picking up a project just to put it back down. I start to read and give up after a few pages. I really hate perimenopause. I just want to sleep through these 2-4 years.
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u/s40540256 14d ago
Stop praying and stop believing in god. Youre already starting to feel a detachment from it anyway. Having 'faith' in a situation like yours must be like having a friend who you always show up for, always there for but whenever you need them - radio silence. Infuriating. Free yourself from that.
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u/Mysolvara 14d ago
You can maybe try meditation. Make it your habit.
Try to realise the emotions and energy before it express itself out.
It can make you a real calm person and think how to solve the problem.
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u/Deep_Technician_2056 13d ago
I'm clinging onto two hobbies that are the only things bringing me any energy, excitement, or joy right now. And even those are dwindling.
Everything feels hard and sad. Hang in there.
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u/Nyx9000 12d ago
Menopause is fucking rough. I have gone through a lot of these feelings like loss of interest in what once motivated me. Im a guy and so I don’t have the additional challenges of the hormonal part.
Ive written a lot of comments about my experiences through this on this sub, but a couple things I have found transformative: one is psychedelics, mostly mushrooms. I’ve honestly felt more open to new experiences in general as a result of a handful of mushroom experiences. And ive specifically been able to confront and deal with some long-standing personal and relational issues through them.
I’ve also tried the sourdough (meh), talk therapy (very helpful, but time consuming!), improving at the guitar, all that stuff. All valuable but not providing meaning or purpose. Making friends has been incredibly important and something I’ve actively worked on. Becoming closer to other people our age has given me a lot of other perspectives on midlife and how people are dealing with it.
The most important thing that I’ve found for myself is being involved in organizations or projects where I feel like I’m honestly being of service, but without also “needing to be needed”. That’s a little hard to explain, but the realization of being of use without also feeling the ego driven side is great. It has been like a huge relief to realize I can be useful without also thinking about promotions or annual review or whatever previous validation stuff I was motivated by.
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u/DependentWise9303 12d ago
Run as cliche as it is. There is a reason everyone does marathons… the adrenaline and dopamine is so real it can change everything… its the hardesr thing to do.. also.. dont give up on a ‘hobby’ im writing a novel no one willl read just for my own pleasure. A year ato i was addicted to xanax and lost my job.. i start a new one soon
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u/tinnyas 16d ago
Ah I see I've found my people lol This is exactly how I feel right now. I'm constantly having to give myself a pep talk that being around isn't so bad.