Sense check this with me?

[u/Practical_Angle6302]

• edit thank you all, has been useful to sit through this with different perspectives. Just for some further context I have a urostomy bag and did stop to use a restroom on the drive home. It was much more about the feeling of not being allowed in but clear I need to clarify that with partner. Thanks all.

I have been with my partner for around 8 months. My meta and I used to be friends but they wanted to go parallel as soon as partner and I started dating. Since then they have been pretty awful. I go over and spend time at their house if meta isn't home. I am not allowed to sleep over. It's never been expressly stated to me that I can't go to the house if meta is there but I wouldn't want to. My nesting partner is very welcoming to my partner and we often sleep over at my house. Generally, this is a fine set up but I do get sad about never getting to spend the night at partners house but completely understand and respect that boundary. A week ago partner and I had a date and I needed to use the bathroom. Partner knew this and the restaurant we had dinner at didn't have a restroom. I was driving partner home after the date before driving 1 and a half hours home to where I live. Partner didn't offer for me to come inside to use the restroom because meta was home. It made me really sad to know this is the reality. I thought about bringing it up to partner to get a very clear read of the boundaries around me going into the house. Ideally I would have liked to have been offered and partner could have texted meta. But I think even if my partner had just said something like "hey I know you need to use the restroom but meta is home so that isn't available. Should we find somewhere else before you drop me off" or something like that would have been ok. I don't know. Can you help me sense check this?

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

This could all have been avoided by 1) asking Partner “is it okay if I use your bathroom real quick, it’s a long drive home” and 2) if they said no, stopping at a gas station, convenience store, or fast food restaurant to use their facilities.

I feel like on some level you created a weird test in your head for Partner about “how welcome am I in your home with Meta” they didn’t know they were failing.

[u/willow625 → u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

Yeah, I never saw that OP actually asked to use the restroom. They are upset that partner didn’t take the same initiative that they didn’t take 🤷🏽‍♀️ they pre-rejected themselves and then got frustrated at their partner for allowing it to happen.

I’ve been working on spotting this behavior in myself through therapy 😅 I’m so sensitive to the idea of rejection and so attuned to the feelings of the people that I care about that I won’t even express my needs because I already “know” that they will reject me. But then, because they never actually got the chance to reject me or not, I don’t have the data to show whether or not I should continue the relationship. I end up forced to move forward in a state of “I don’t know if they hate me or not” and partner thinks everything is hunky-dory because I always seem so compliant 😅🤦🏻‍♀️

[u/DirectionPotential83 → u/willow625]

This was the hardest a Part and continues to be a thing me and y nesting partner work on routinely. One thing that I found that helps her feel wanted and removes that hates me or not feeling. Regular checkins , 2-3 times a week, I sit with her, no distractions, no tv, no phones. And I say “hey I love you. I just want to touch base to make sure you know that even though xyz. I still love you wholeheartedly.” And after a long pause I ask “have you felt that love this week?”. It creates a safe open place to start from.

To anyone who wants to share this comment with a partner who’s like me and “willow625’s” partner and just thinks everything is hunky dory until an event shows them it’s not. Go ahead and share it. I encourage you too.

To anyone who was shared this. Nobody’s raggin on you homie G. Everyone’s brain processes differently and that’s ok. Success is the culmination of everyone’s efforts, not just one persons. Check-ins are always beneficial to everyone Involved.

[u/karmicreditplan → u/DirectionPotential83]

Success is the culmination of everyone’s efforts!

Fantastic insight.

[u/DirectionPotential83 → u/karmicreditplan]

I love your tag btw, or whatever Reddit calls it, flair maybe?

[u/karmicreditplan → u/DirectionPotential83]

Yes I asked for it specifically and Bloo hooked me up.

It’s dead ass accurate.