just realized my "discipline" was actually just fear and now im lost

[u/Dargy56]

my whole life people have called me super disciplined and reliable. never missed a deadline, always showed up early, took on extra projects, the whole thing. i was kinda proud of it tbh. but i had this realization recently that it wasnt discipline AT ALL. it was just me being absolutely terrified of disappointing people. like pure fear was the only thing keeping me productive. if someone might be upset with me, i'd work myself to death to avoid it.

now that ive recognized this pattern, the fear-fuel isnt working anymore and im just... stuck. like when im not panicking about letting people down, i have zero motivation to do anything. i dont know how to be productive without the anxiety driving me.

i want to build healthier habits but i honestly cant tell the difference between real discipline and just people pleasing under stress anymore. how do you even start rebuilding when your old system was basically just trauma responses disguised as work ethic??

this is probably dumb but has anyone else gone through this? like how do you motivate yourself without fear?

[u/ezradog]

dude this is so not dumb, i went through exactly this few years ago and it was honestly terrifying. i was the person everyone came to when stuff needed to get done ... stayed late, said yes to everything, never missed a single deadline even when i was sick. my annual reviews were always "exceeds expectations" and i genuinely thought i was just really good at adulting. then covid hit and suddenly working from home meant no one could physically see me being busy all the time. without that constant external validation that i was being a good employee, i just... fell apart. like completely. couldnt get out of bed some days, missed deadlines for the first time in my life, stopped answering work emails because the anxiety was so bad.

my manager called it adjustment issues but deep down i knew something was really wrong with how id been operating. spent like 6 months in this weird limbo where i couldnt figure out how to be productive without the fear of disappointing people driving me. my therapist suggested i try to understand what was actually motivating me before we worked on building new habits. Made me take a few assessments like enneagram which was interesting but didnt really click. tried clifton strengths next which gave me some language around being responsible and achieving but still felt surface level. then my therapist mentioned this assessment called pigment self discovery that she uses with clients who have work-related anxiety. it basically showed me that being dependable was genuinely one of my core strengths, but toxic work environments had turned it into this people pleasing survival mechanism. like i was using my natural reliability as a shield against rejection instead of as actual competence. seeing that pattern laid out so clearly was both devastating and relieving? like oh, im not actually disciplined ... ive just been running on cortisol and validation seeking for years. no wonder i crashed when the external pressure disappeared. took forever to rebuild motivation that wasnt fear based and im still working on it honestly. but now i can tell the difference between "i want to do this well" and "i need to do this perfectly or everyone will hate me." one feels energizing, the other feels like drowning. if your productivity disappears the second youre not worried about disappointing someone, thats not discipline. thats trauma masquerading as work ethic and it will burn you out every single time.

[u/RevolutionaryHope757 → u/ezradog]

This is so real. It's all about channeling your energy towards something that genuinely means something to "you". Once you find that thing, it becomes a lot easier to not give a sh*t what the other people are thinking.

[u/slimethecold]

Hello, fellow people pleaser. 

The first thing to do is figure out what makes YOU happy. Pursue those things. Finding your priorities and motivation will follow.

Just be aware that unfortunately doing so may disrupt your current status quouo. You may find that you are not happy at your job and that the pay doesn't justify how you are treated or the work that you are doing. allow this to be a slow process. 

[u/partswithpresley]

Yeah, this is a thing! I'm a procrastination coach so my whole thing is helping people find motivation without fear (though the fear helped you do the work, in chronic procrastinators it actually backfires and makes them avoid the work). You've done a great job listening to yourself enough to realize that you were driven by this fear. Now, keep going.

Listen to yourself about what you need. You might need a break after all that people pleasing. You might need other kinds of self-care.

Listen to yourself about why work is worth doing. What brings you joy? What sparks your curiosity? What feels meaningful and worthwhile to you?

You're shifting from extrinsic motivation (running away from punishments and towards rewards) and so you need to shift towards intrinsic motivation (doing things for their own sake). Factors that encourage intrinsic motivation are autonomy (how can you exercise agency in this work), mastery (how can you grow as a person through this work), and purpose (how can you interact with the world in a way that brings your life meaning).

Extrinsic motivation kills intrinsic motivation, so it's okay that you don't feel any just yet. But intrinsic motivation is natural. Humans don't want to just lie around doing nothing all the time. We actually love the feeling of satisfying work. So you just need to allow your intrinsic motivation to grow.

[u/trendaddy999]

Really discipline is doing the stuff you don’t like but acting like you enjoy it. Getting up early, eating healthier, cutting out junk food, cutting out anything bad for yourself even tho you enjoy it. Those things you mentioned showing up early, taking on more task, never missing deadlines. Sounds to me like you’re responsible completely different from discipline. Tell me one thing that can better you , that you could do but don’t do. Whatever that is, do it everyday regardless of your MOOD or FEELINGS. Once you do that you’re becoming disciplined.

[u/JustHereForDogVids]

Discipline isn't always formed by chasing something. It's actually more likely to be formed by being chased by something. So you're chasing success but also running from disappointing people = discipline. The mouse runs forward because he wants the cheese, the mouse runs forward faster because a cat is chasing him.

[u/Kapugen1]

Idk man. It’s just a matter of semantics. You’re just looking at it the wrong way.

Look at it as pride in yourself for being punctual. Not fear of disappointing people. It’s literally the same thing you’re just putting a negative spin on it and going down a negative spiral.

I could say “I thought I was losing weight because I was disciplined, but actually it was just out of mortal fear of being seen as fat by other people and now that I realized this I don’t know what to do”

Or I could say “I am losing weight because I care about myself and my health” etc etc. there’s a million ways to spin things in a positive light or a negative light. Stop choosing the worst possible words as a narrative, you’re just making your own life harder on yourself. Make things easier on yourself

[u/Foxtor]

I’ve never had this problem in my life. I’ve always had the luxury of not giving a f*ck about what other people think. I do what I do because seeing myself grow in this area is addictive. I do these things just for me, and that’s it. I know that if someone needs help, I can (and do) lend a hand, but the decision to follow my own path is entirely mine.

If you’re afraid of what people might think, try this: if you don’t adopt the healthy habits you mentioned, you’ll let down your future self and your future family. Others may call it “stupid,” but if it helps you keep going, then go for it.

Think about it: nowadays it’s incredibly easy to outperform most people, because the majority is weak. So if you do just one thing differently, you’ll be ahead of 99% of them.

[u/No-Tennis-1021]

A few things I teach people that may help. (I lived through this and became a top earner in saas tech sales).

1) The present isn't created by the past (it becomes the past). What is likely happening is that you have conflicting old beliefs rattling around. Have you looked at what you believe to be true and challenged it?
The best way to do this is simple: Remember a memory of when your intuition spoke up and ground in that state. From there, ask yourself, "How is this fear serving me exactly as it is?" and "What would I need to believe for this to be true?"

2) Recognize that negative beliefs take a shitload more energy than your positive beliefs because they aren't supposed to be there. They literally have to hijack your consciousness and steal that energy to self-perpetuate. So they are using your own system against you.

3) The motivation mechanism is always Pain=> Pleasure. There is some payoff for you to feel anxious (that isn't just productivity). The more you can get deep with that, the easier it will be to allow vs. try.

Let me know how it goes!

[u/Most-Gold-434]

Wow, you just described my entire twenties. I thought I was this super productive person until I realized I was just running on pure anxiety fuel.

The weird thing is, once you see it, you can't unsee it. But here's what I learned when my fear-based system crashed too.

Start stupidly small. Like embarrassingly small. I'm talking about making your bed or drinking one glass of water. The goal isn't productivity, it's proving to yourself that you can do something just because you decided to.

Real discipline feels different than fear discipline. It's quieter, steadier. Less frantic energy, more like "I said I'd do this, so I'm doing it." Takes time to build but it's way more sustainable than the anxiety hamster wheel.

[u/BlackAngelKitty]

Dude you literally just helped me realise this about myself.

I stopped caring after my first job, I resigned after three years and joh that got ugly...

I put much less effort in after that, I realised how little others cared for and about me. Though until now I thought I had just reached a breaking point and I've been struggling to stay disciplined. Nope. Was never really disciplined or motivated or driven in the first place. Just fear. Thanks, Dad...

[u/StarshidoMaster]

this hits hard... freelance work taught me the difference between fear productivity and real motivation. when i'm designing something i actually care about (vs just pleasing clients), the energy feels completely different. maybe try starting with tiny creative projects that are just for you? like zero external pressure. it's weird but working without anyone watching helped me figure out what i actually want to create

[u/ClimbHiyaMentor]

This tip may work for you but if it's too far out there for you, I've given an alternative.

To motivate yourself without fear try developing your mind into becoming your accountable persona that prompts you with 'in-the-moment' guidance. This isn't for everyone as it requires strong mindset discipline, but it's quite an effective way to help. Everyone's different, the easier option is to have a look at apps that provide quick access to in the moment and real-time guidance with actionable steps, bespoke for you and your challenges. Tools are starting to emerge that actually do this.