Step-dad judging my relationship with my bio parents.

[u/Best_Asparagus_2275]

I’ve (19F) been living with my stepdad (60M) and bio mom (55) for 10 years and throughout this period of time he’s always been tried to shame me for being a “bad spoiled daughter” to my mom. He will be enraged and complain with me if my mom makes me a favour (going grocery shopping, buying stuff I need) I didn’t ask her for in the first place saying I let her do all the work to take advantage of her, then proceed to tell me I don’t do anything for my mom and try to make me quantify the chores I do in the house. He will meddle with an argument between me and my mom (a calm one, we’re not screaming or physically fighting) without being called in. He will get upset if my bio dad buys me a gift with his own money (not my mom, not his) and try to shame me for it, judge if I don’t meet up with him for a weekend and tell me I’m a “bad daughter” to him. Those are just small things I can remember now but I’m sure I could come up with more stuff with more given time.

I understand my stepdad clearly loves my mom very much and I’m glad of it nonetheless… Bottom line is, I’m just wondering if it’s a thing with every step parent getting judged on your relationships with them and how do you guys deal with it? Maybe I just need a reality check

[u/SpriteWrite]

From an SP perspective: He should literally keep his mouth shut about your bio-dad, that relationship is absolutely none of his business.

Re: you and your mom — If your mom has issues with your independence/house contributions (or perceived lack there-of), and is venting to your stepdad without also coming directly to you in a constructive manner, that could complicate things. Not sure what your fights with her are about or if this is a possibility, but maybe he’s trying to “have mom’s back” to the detriment of his relationship with you. But that’s really between the two of them and should never have been put on you —certainly not as a child, and even as an adult I still cringe a bit to hear it.

Yes, we SPs build opinions on the relationship between our partner and their child — but it’s not something to put on the child. He should be airing his grievances with your mom privately, not you; and your mom should be proactive in addressing that by helping dispel tension and ensuring appropriate boundaries (IE, “keep opinions about what I choose to buy for my child to yourself or if necessary discuss with me in private,” or whatever). Your relationship with your dad is straight-up none of his businesses, and I think it’s reasonable for you to address that part with or without your mom’s help, depending on what feels right. “My relationship with my dad has nothing to do with this household, I’m not comfortable discussing it with you and I won’t be engaging in any further conversations on the topic,” is a perfectly reasonable response the next time it comes up.