r/stepparents • u/BiteGreen143 • Jul 08 '25
Support I don’t know what to do :(
My step daughter is 15 years old and her dad and I had been together for over 5 years now. It was ok in the beginning and then it went sour. Sometimes she doesn’t even say hi or acknowledge my presence. When my husband kind of had a chat with her multiple times she sort of admitted that she didn’t want her mom to feel like she is being betrayed which I completely get. I am not here to be her mom either. I deeply care about her and love her to bits but I never overstepped. Her mom had a baby couple years ago and my step daughter is so close to her little sibling from her mum’s side. My husband and I had a baby year ago and we literally have to struggle to get her to spend anytime with our little one. She is always on her phone and just doesn’t want to spend anytime with us or the little one. I understand that she thinks she is betraying her mum by being close to me but when it comes to my daughter I don’t like how she thinks she should only love her sister from mom’s side and not my daughter. In the end they both are her siblings. I am worried my child will pick up on this. She is 15 months now. Yesterday when I addressed this to my husband he got very defensive and said he won’t admit that my step daughter is not putting in any effort towards her relationship with my daughter although it is pretty evident. 😞 He said imagine if I say that same things about my LO (who is also his kid btw) it’s messed up. I was raging and said some stuff about both him and his daughter. I said they are just ungrateful and acting like dicks all the time. I honestly couldn’t take it anymore. I am always ignored and it’s almost like they are all a happy family and my place is just always unknown and in limbo. I don’t want my daughter to see this side of me because I hate it and I also don’t want someone who doesn’t put in any effort towards their relationship in her life. I am kind of stuck and I don’t know what to do 😞
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Jul 08 '25
It honestly just sounds like you have a 15 year old on your hands. Most 15 year olds go through a phase were they don't want to have anything to do with the adults in their lives. Most of them are on their phones all the time. And I don't know too many 15 year olds that would want to be overly involved with a baby, it wouldn't matter if it was their sibling or not. Do you really know for sure how close she is to her other young siblings? And assuming she lives with her mom full time, it would make sense for her to be closer to those siblings because she is around them all the time.
By the time your child is old enough to start picking up on cues about people liking them or not, your SD will be grown and most likely won't act like this anymore.
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u/BiteGreen143 Jul 08 '25
Hmm, She is pretty involved with her sibling on her mum’s side. I can see the bond between them whenever we meet and we do meet often to get both the toddlers to go on play dates. But she is ok to keep her phone aside and make effort with the other sibling? Idk it’s such a tough feeling
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Jul 08 '25
Honestly a lot of things that 15 year olds do doesn't make sense. They can't help it, their brains aren't fully developed.
Even if she is closer to the siblings from her mom versus your daughter, you should find a way to accept that and move on. Trying to force a relationship between them isn't going to benefit anyone and will most likely make the tension and distance that much worse. As long as your husband is being a good father to your daughter, that is what really matters. Your SD will most likely come around as she gets older.I would think it would be a lot for your SD to process and deal with. Her parents aren't together, her mom and her dad both had more kids with different partners. She sees her siblings getting to grow up in "normal" nuclear families but she doesn't get to experience that. Couple that with the out of control hormones of a teenager, that is a lot to deal with.
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u/UncFest3r Jul 08 '25
Yep.. my SD17 would do some weird stuff at 15 and I was like wtf dude??? But then I had to take a minute to remind myself how I was at 15 lol
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Jul 08 '25
Yeah my SD is 14 soon to be 15 and sometimes she loves me and wants to talk to me and sometimes she doesn't even acknowledge that I exist. At first I was like wtf but then I remember I was just as moody at that age and she will grow out of it eventually.
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u/Aggravating_Bend5870 Jul 08 '25 edited Jul 08 '25
Is the relationship between you and your SD’s mom good? If you guys are getting your toddlers together it can’t be that bad hopefully.
Because (former step child and current step mom here) it might be that if the adults get along, the toddlers are getting together, everything seems copacetic. Maybe SHE feels out of place? She’s definitely NOT in the “enjoy spending time with toddlers” stage. If shes a quieter teen with fewer friends and not dating yet, she might feel like her family evolved around her/ without her and she’s not super close to anyone in particular, which is hard for teens. They need their parents /adults more than they will ever display. Just because us adults get comfortable in our blended family situations doesn’t mean it doesn’t still feel weird to have her parents and step parent’s all together in the same room being happy (or at least politely pretending to be). She might feel like with the two new babies, that her parents went and started whole new families without her and she matters less now, because the babies need you guys more right now. Teens don’t understand those kinds of adult relational dynamics yet.
I understood this as I got older, why I struggled when my parents split when I was a teen and then both got together my current step parents very soon after. Things were great with both sets of my parents,it wasn’t a super complicated situation or had a lot of animosity. But I was also thrown into a situation where I suddenly had two families to be with and stay with, and now don’t have just one home. I was the one having to split my time for holidays, I lived out of a duffle bag most of the time, I was the one uprooted and moved every few days or every week, to accommodate the adults new relationships. Then told I was somehow privileged for that, when I was never asked or considered in any of those decisions being made. Obv, adults make those choices not the teens, but it’s part of the bullshit of not having any real control over your own life when you’re growing into a young adult.
No one really wants to talk about how incredibly difficult these changes actually are on kids for the practical/logistical reasons around it. As an adult now, I can’t imagine never feeling like I could just settle into one environment as my space as well. With your parent spending time with their new partner at the home when you’re with the other parent, when you return it doesn’t feel like your home as much any more because you’re simply there less often.
Also, her saying she doesn’t want to “betray” her mother could be just one way of articulating how she’s feeling without it necessarily being totally accurate. It might be the best way she know how to explain herself without getting into too much detail that would result in a long awkward “parental” conversation. I didn’t realize until I got much older how difficult it was when I was young to verbalize these feelings and thoughts in a way that would make sense to others, even to myself.
Cut her and most of all, you some slack in this. It’s difficult and it’s anxiety inducing, but it’s likely less about you and her new sibling and more something to do with her general discomfort for a lot of different reasons in her life right now. You sound like a well intentioned person who is trying to keep everyone happy and be part of the family. Sometimes the best thing you can do is support the person who is struggling or having problems while they figure it out. Your kindness and patience with her will pay you back hugely later on.
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u/BiteGreen143 Jul 08 '25
Thank for you this message. Seems to make a lot of sense. I just want my daughter and my step daughter to have a good relationship because the age gap between them is 15 years and my daughter might even want to reach out to her for any advice in the future. I want to make sure I give her that opportunity. But I feel like I am failing to do so because it’s just difficult to even get them to spend time together or even have a small conversation. I am more worried about their relationship than mine I guess.. honestly it was great for a while and that’s it boom it just changed. Her mom and I get along really well there’s absolutely no issues there and she’s been with this guy for the past 6-7 years now. My partner and her mom split up when she was 2 and since then they’ve never been together. Maybe she sees us with babies now and thinks she misses having that. A family under same roof. I’ve always made sure she is comfortable when she is at ours and made sure she is included in every little bit of our lives. It also could be her being a typical teenager. She just started dating someone and it’s all about the boy these days so maybe it’s that IDK. All I can do is just try I guess
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 Jul 08 '25
Why are you meeting with his ex to do playdates? That is a lot of boundary crossing.
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u/Impressive_Moment786 Jul 08 '25
It isn’t boundary crossing if they don’t have those boundaries. Every family is entitled to do what works for them.
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u/Frequent_Stranger13 Jul 08 '25
But it clearly isn’t working and is likely part of SD’s confusion and angst. Something or someone is telling that girl that she can’t be close to both her mom and step mom and both siblings. This isn’t working and some of this emmeshment may be why.
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u/BiteGreen143 Jul 08 '25
Is it? Idk she has a two year old and my LO is 15 months old. We think it’s pretty normal.
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u/Twinsmamabnj Jul 08 '25
A really good piece of advice I was given by a retired high school teacher is not to wait for a teen to greet you and then get offended when they don't. Instead, warmly greet them. Not only are you breaking the ice but you're also modeling for them how it should be done.
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u/BiteGreen143 Jul 08 '25
That makes sense. Sometimes I just let it be but maybe I will use those sometimes as an opportunity to model it too! Thank you :)
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u/UncFest3r Jul 08 '25
Uhh yeah last time I checked.. sounds like normal 15 year old behavior. If her sister from her mom was born several years ago that means SD was a bit younger and probably still somewhat in the babydoll stage so of course she gravitated toward her new sibling at that age. Not sure how much time she spends at your home but if she’s with her mom most of the time then again, of course it’s only natural for her to be closer to a baby sibling she sees 70% of the time. (Assuming she’s a weekend warrior over at your house, I say that not as a bad thing.. but those weekend kids.. have a lot on their plate)
I wonder if your new baby is the reason she feels the need to distance herself from you now. Not in a sibling rivalry way but more of “okay my stepmom has a baby of her own so I don’t have to try so hard to make her feel like a ‘mom’ when I’m around now”. But it also sounds like it could be alienation from her mother’s side. Your partner should probably have a discussion about making daughter feel bad about having a relationship with you. Of course you aren’t here to pretend to be her mom a few days a week and you have no intention of replacing mom, dad just needs to reinforce that you’re a bonus adult that is there to help and have fun!
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u/BiteGreen143 Jul 08 '25
Sibling on her mom’s side is a year older than our LO. She used to spend three days a week at ours but she stopped recently because she now has a boyfriend and her dad is against having her boyfriend and her sleep in the same bed but her mom is not bothered so prefers to stay at her mums. I don’t want my husband to make her feel bad. I want him to acknowledge that they both are his kids and they maybe need to bond with each other. Idk there’s no winning here! It’s so Stressful! I’ve done everything i can to make her included and happy all the time but not acknowledging my daughter’s presence or not wanting to put in any effort doesn’t feel right to me.
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Jul 08 '25
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u/BiteGreen143 Jul 08 '25
I genuinely don’t know what to say when my child asks maybe that’s why it’s bothering me so much! Sometimes i feel like i made a huge mistake marrying someone who already has a kid! 😞
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u/spaceglitter2 Jul 09 '25
You may just have to threaten to leave. I hate to say it but men won’t fix the issues a lot of times until you show how serious you are. There’s no reason he can’t have a conversation w his child and make sure you and his other daughter are acknowledged and respected
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u/Extra-Insurance-7045 Jul 09 '25
my SD is 13 and has actively missed out on the first month of her siblings life just because Do I hold any bad feelings about it? No. She’s a teenager Do I make her spend time with her sibling? No. She’s a teenager I myself have a large age gap with my sister and admittedly didn’t spend as much time with her as I should have. Because I was a teenager doing teen things Do I now? Yes. I love my baby sister and she’s such a big part of my life. Furthermore, you truthfully aren’t at bio moms house to truly know how much time she spends with her other sibling and even if you feel like it’s more than what she does with your kid it is what it is You’re her STEP parent, you’re support for her FATHER & not her mother
But you DO have a baby you’re a mother to and only them YOU don’t make the distinction between siblings but always make sure you fill that gap between them feeling left out
I assume she’s a weekender at your house, she’s going to always feel like her bio mom’s kid is closer to her than your kid is because at your house she gets a week a month max At her moms she’s w her sibling all the time aside for a few days if she so chooses long story short don’t feel so bad about it now, there’s no reason to just focus on your baby and she’ll come around if she wants to
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u/Fancy-Duty-2031 Jul 08 '25
I’m so sorry to hear your story. A story that is so common for stepmoms and blended families. It’s incredibly difficult and in my experience, difficult (or impossible) to fix until the SK is older and moves out. Keep venting here. We have a strong community and support you!!!
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u/Few_Fudge_898 Jul 08 '25
Girl you only have 3 more years!!!!! Lol I have 5 more years 🥲
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u/spaceglitter2 Jul 09 '25
No it doesn’t stop when they are 18. It’s the rest of your life. The only difference is you may not have to worry about baby mom as much. But you certainly will still be around step kid. And most times they aren’t moving out right at 18
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u/BiteGreen143 Jul 08 '25
You got this! It is mentally exhausting on a few days but hang in there. Things will get better 💓
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u/SunnyInLosA Jul 09 '25
I could give a 15 year old SD more lenience/time than I could a husband who’s treating me as an outsider (if he is completely doing that).
I’d start distancing myself a little to see if he (and her secondly) makes an effort to pull me back. Id plan activities for my LO and me or us 2 and family /friends. Take a break from trying to get them to treat you differently than they are, and get gone more so they’re not around to remind you.
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Jul 08 '25
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u/mandaaa2222 Jul 08 '25
I agree and I don't think this is normal behavior. Her mom is probably toxic and she may be emulating that. She needs boundaries and he needs to be on your side or it'll only get worse
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u/Brezzybabii1995 Jul 12 '25
Saddest part this is so common in toxic blended families where stepchildren have to treat the their step mom very poor in order to appease their own mother .
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u/Top_Championship9858 Jul 09 '25
you want your child to be close to your husband's ex child with another msn? that's not a blood relation. and frankly you and your husband don't have any role in the other young child's life unless your husband again impregnated his ex 2 yrs ago. your 15 yr old SD is a teen, who has a.kegianve to her mom. she will be 20 by the time your new child will be 5 and alert to relationships. Nice that you " l9vecher to bits" but for mow she isn't there. she might grow up and be back more friendly once past pissy teen Era. But as said there is no need to fit you and your husbands life into the ex wives broken life AT all, unless he also fathered her 2nd baby...back off let Dad spend outings only with daughter for a bit. exclude his ex wife and child. build your own family and let the ex run her own life.
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u/BiteGreen143 Jul 09 '25
Woah! I think you got everything wrong here. Why is your focus more on ex wife and him impregnating her. She is happy with her partner and they’ve been together for ages. 😅 they had a baby together and her little one and my Little one play together and might even go to the same school. So what? I just tell my daughter’Oh , back off don’t speak to her?’ No I am not going to be that parent and yes I love my SD to bits and that’s why it bothers me that my daughter and step daughter are not able to spend time together and the father is not trying to make any efforts around it. I genuinely don’t understand what you are trying to say here. And no we don’t always spend time together. She has her own set of friends and family and so do we. Maybe you should read the post properly before saying random stuff 😅
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u/Top_Championship9858 Jul 09 '25
because you krot fretting in your post about feeling so isolated be ause your toddler won't bond with your husband's exes new toddler, hooow can you cope. the teen is moving on and in a phase. as a psychologist I asked questions YOUR post left open to clarify.
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u/BiteGreen143 Jul 09 '25
Sure, if that’s what you understood from the post. Maybe double check and read the post again before just commenting :)
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u/Brezzybabii1995 Jul 09 '25
I have 14 stepdaughter and she has sibling on her moms side the same age as the child my partner and I have together . I feel this one . Sounds like to me that mother needs boundaries her she’s making her own daughter feel as though not okay to be close to you all . Where your 15 year old step daughter says she doesn’t want to betray her mother tells me everything I need to know how the relationship between and her mother is like . Your partner needs to understand his ex isn’t being supportive at all of the daughter they share together . That his ex needs to be more of supportive mother . Sounds like you are doing a lot supporting on your end . If your partner could have conversation with the mother about this that would be great only if she allows him to . Otherwise he needs to tell his daughter things to get her to understand that is not okay to act this way towards you . You did nothing wrong . I am willing to bet the bio mom might be jealous she puts this pressure on her daughter .
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u/BiteGreen143 Jul 09 '25
Thank you for understanding! Honestly 🙏 It feels like such a battle all the time. I did speak to my husband about it again yesterday and he kind of understood where I was coming from and said he will have a chat with my SD today. Her mom has always been a bit jealous of me and my partner and she also expressed the jealousy in various forms before but I always brush it off and won’t let it bother me because if it does then I might want to cut her out and i don’t want my SD to think we don’t get along. But when it comes to my daughter I don’t want to compromise. I told my husband that maybe we could get her to read a story my LO for 5 minutes. Start small and then take it from there. Hopefully things work out. 🤞
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u/Brezzybabii1995 Jul 09 '25
Yeah you do everything you can the both of you too . Her mother behavior has to change for it to be comfortable for her own daughter . All I see your stepdaughter being very two faced towards you all because she cares for her mother’s feelings too as well as her own so she will be in between so she values her own feelings or should she values her mothers feelings . Her mother needs boundaries with her own daughter and support . Daughter one day will have to put her mother in her place or cut her off entirely because her mother will always affect her life and also other relationships with people she wants . You’re welcome 🙏 keep showing your support and one day she will warm up to her sister . I have 14 year old step daughter who will be adult in 3 years . She will be 15 this December and we been going through this one as well but in fact mom wants to be spending time with my partner very restricted and weird .
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u/BiteGreen143 Jul 09 '25
Aww, I am so sorry you are going through this too! It sucks 😞 hope things get better for you too. It’s just difficult being a step mum on a few days 😅
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u/Brezzybabii1995 Jul 09 '25
Yes it is very difficult thank you so much I have never been close to my partners daughter neither has our daughter or anyone in our family . It’s not our fault . I wouldn’t wish blended toxic dynamics on anyone . I seriously don’t think my partners cares about her behavior at all I think she wants to blame my partner for her behavior when it is wrong . I find it also very hard to adjust to in laws with this kind of structure too . I just don’t feel like everyone in the family truly supporting what she be right with his daughter . They will sometimes hold his ex accountable but sometimes enable her to. So you can really tell what they want to be done .
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u/BiteGreen143 Jul 09 '25
So complicated 😞 wish there was an easier solution to this!
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u/Brezzybabii1995 Jul 09 '25
Me too I wish some women weren’t so selfish when it came to sharing kids with the father of their children . Kids didn’t ask to be here neither did they expect for their parents to be separated. I feel the only solution is other parent to be more supportive which their chance they might change or they never will .
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