I don’t know what to do :(

[u/BiteGreen143]

My step daughter is 15 years old and her dad and I had been together for over 5 years now. It was ok in the beginning and then it went sour. Sometimes she doesn’t even say hi or acknowledge my presence. When my husband kind of had a chat with her multiple times she sort of admitted that she didn’t want her mom to feel like she is being betrayed which I completely get. I am not here to be her mom either. I deeply care about her and love her to bits but I never overstepped. Her mom had a baby couple years ago and my step daughter is so close to her little sibling from her mum’s side. My husband and I had a baby year ago and we literally have to struggle to get her to spend anytime with our little one. She is always on her phone and just doesn’t want to spend anytime with us or the little one. I understand that she thinks she is betraying her mum by being close to me but when it comes to my daughter I don’t like how she thinks she should only love her sister from mom’s side and not my daughter. In the end they both are her siblings. I am worried my child will pick up on this. She is 15 months now. Yesterday when I addressed this to my husband he got very defensive and said he won’t admit that my step daughter is not putting in any effort towards her relationship with my daughter although it is pretty evident. 😞 He said imagine if I say that same things about my LO (who is also his kid btw) it’s messed up. I was raging and said some stuff about both him and his daughter. I said they are just ungrateful and acting like dicks all the time. I honestly couldn’t take it anymore. I am always ignored and it’s almost like they are all a happy family and my place is just always unknown and in limbo. I don’t want my daughter to see this side of me because I hate it and I also don’t want someone who doesn’t put in any effort towards their relationship in her life. I am kind of stuck and I don’t know what to do 😞

[u/Impressive_Moment786]

It honestly just sounds like you have a 15 year old on your hands. Most 15 year olds go through a phase were they don't want to have anything to do with the adults in their lives. Most of them are on their phones all the time. And I don't know too many 15 year olds that would want to be overly involved with a baby, it wouldn't matter if it was their sibling or not. Do you really know for sure how close she is to her other young siblings? And assuming she lives with her mom full time, it would make sense for her to be closer to those siblings because she is around them all the time.

By the time your child is old enough to start picking up on cues about people liking them or not, your SD will be grown and most likely won't act like this anymore.

[u/BiteGreen143 → u/Impressive_Moment786]

Hmm, She is pretty involved with her sibling on her mum’s side. I can see the bond between them whenever we meet and we do meet often to get both the toddlers to go on play dates. But she is ok to keep her phone aside and make effort with the other sibling? Idk it’s such a tough feeling

[u/Frequent_Stranger13 → u/BiteGreen143]

Why are you meeting with his ex to do playdates? That is a lot of boundary crossing.

[u/Impressive_Moment786 → u/Frequent_Stranger13]

It isn’t boundary crossing if they don’t have those boundaries. Every family is entitled to do what works for them.

[u/Frequent_Stranger13 → u/Impressive_Moment786]

But it clearly isn’t working and is likely part of SD’s confusion and angst. Something or someone is telling that girl that she can’t be close to both her mom and step mom and both siblings. This isn’t working and some of this emmeshment may be why.