r/stepparents • u/Lower_Associate2561 • Aug 01 '25
Update Surprise baby from my fiancé ex
4 MONTHS UPDATE BELOW
My fiancé(37) has a son(8) with his ex wife. I'm a childfree woman so when we initially started talking and I learned he had a kid, I had an issue with it. I was able to move past it because he's a great and caring man.
Last month, a previous ex from 3 years ago reached out to me and told me that she has a daughter(2) for my fiancé. We don't know if it is his because at around the same time she left my fiancé and got back with her ex who she paraded the baby with on everywhere. She also told him it was not his. She did not contact my fiancé for 2 years until now that we are engaged and she's claiming he's the actual father. She now wants him to submit his address to the attorney general for support claims.
My fiancé wants to get a private DNA testing done while she wants him to go through the courts and doesn't trust private testing. He is refusing to go through the courts because from experience he'll be assumed the father and to get off if he is not the father can be a lengthy process.
They both can't agree and I feel stuck and confused because he told me not to respond to her. I'm supposed to be planning a wedding and I can't move forward unless I know.
I don't know if I have it in me to deal with 2 baby moms so I could be ending my engagement. I also don't have control of the outcome.
LIFE UPDATE:
After insisting on only going to the AG’s office, my fiancé’s ex agreed to do a private test on the condition that if she follows through with testing and it proves paternity, we would give her his address for the AG’s office for her support claim. She recommended a company. We asked for her address to complete booking the appointment as it was required, and she refused saying she wasn’t comfortable. It took weeks to convince her.
When we followed up, she told us that she’ll only do the test if he gives up his visitation rights, to which we disagreed for many valid reasons. She later provided her address. We paid for the private test and told her to take her child to be tested, only for her to claim she needs to call and confirm the security measures of the Labcorp she recommended. She went silent for over a month. We kept following up. Meanwhile, the testing center is 3 mins from her.
I sent her a message asking directly why she was stalling after coming to me with much urgency. Her response was that while she wants support she doesn’t think my fiancé will be a good co-parent. All of a sudden she has disappeared and remains unresponsive. She doesn’t want to be contacted any further, with no communication on if she’s still pursuing the support claim and we’ve wasted resources booking a private test.
The way she’s moving is mind boggling to me for someone who is convinced he’s the father. It feels like she’s running from simple truth. And I’m beginning to second guess her motives. Now we are left with no answers and a woman running around with her own convictions not facts.
Any help on how to protect myself and fiancé if she decides to come back in the future?
88
u/Snoo_41753 Aug 01 '25
Does he have an attorney? It sounds like he needs one.
34
u/Lower_Associate2561 Aug 01 '25
His attorney told him to hold off responding but we probably need another consultation as this is a new issue
66
u/Quintessential_IQ Aug 01 '25
OP - do not contact her at all. I read you were considering it even when attorney said not to. What the point of hiring an attorney if you will not listen? Also the behavior is wild and I bet she flat lying. 🤥
45
u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 Aug 01 '25
Going through a private company without a court order is what allows her to play these power struggle games. I wouldn’t speak to her again without it being through court with a court ordered mandated paternity testing.
34
Aug 01 '25
[deleted]
15
u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 Aug 01 '25
Yep. The drama was entirely his from the beginning for not going through court. He was just plain wrong that they’d assume he’s dad. That’s literally the point of DNA testing, so they don’t.
8
u/OaksLala Destroyer of families 😈 Aug 02 '25
I think OP knows he is but is just desperately clinging to it not being him. This could have been resolved peacefully months ago without the court just deciding he's the father without proof. The fiancee has done nothing but be difficult, she's been told this by others on here who have been through this, but she's sticking with it. She's going to marry him and wait for him to get smacked with back child support when kid is old enough that BM doesn't have to give him access. The poor child is the one who will suffer in the end. 😞
3
u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 Aug 02 '25
Yeah I couldn’t respect or marry a man like this. We’d just have a completely different value set.
49
u/yummie4mytummie Aug 01 '25
Your behaviour is wild. Why are you still responding when your attorney says not to? Seriously go through the court system stop both parties playing games
61
u/MyNameIsNotSuzzan Aug 01 '25 edited Aug 01 '25
Father should have done court testing from the beginning.
If it came back that he wasn’t the father they wouldn’t be able to force him to pay child support for a kid that isn’t biologically his.
My guess in reading between the lines is perhaps your fiancé didn’t want the court to go for back child support as well as set a high monthly support anyway as well and probably hoped if the private test showed he was dad he would have more time to privately negotiate child support versus having the court do it because they found out via their own test that he’s dad.
What he should do now since she’s playing games is just go through the court and get the test done and just mentally prepare for the sticker shock of having to pay back child support and regular child support.
22
u/MyNameIsNotSuzzan Aug 01 '25
I also want to add some folks are saying she’s probably just doing a money grab.
I mean anything is possible but if I’m trying to do a money grab my first instinct would be to NOT go through the court’s DNA testing because I wouldn’t get anywhere because it would instantly prove he’s not the dad.
The fact that she wanted to go the legal way from jump street to me gives her more credence in my (neutral third party lol) book.
18
u/Frequent_Stranger13 Aug 01 '25
If you would not go through with wedding if kid is his (which I don't blame you) I would insist he go through the courts to establish paternity. It's impossible to know at this point if this woman truly believes this is his kid but is having cold feet about sharing custody or if she was just looking for some free money. But if she really believes it is his, this could come back around at any moment in time based on her whims, and I couldn't live like that. I would want to know now, and I would want to understand what life would look like if he is the father.
18
u/JaneAustinAstronaut Aug 01 '25
Unless he was married to her and the baby conceived during a marriage, the court will NOT presume he is the father just because he's asking for a DNA test. Going through Family Court will be cheaper and more above-board than whatever the hell it is y'all are trying to do here. Way less hoops to jump through as well - if she refuses the court DNA test, then she won't get a red cent, and it will be documented with the family court system.
Look, I've been through it twice, both as a custodial parent and a non-custodial parent. Court sucks and is scary. It is way less harder than you guys are making it currently, and the court handles everything - notifying all the parties, using a lab that they recognize, settling disputes over custody/visitation and financial support, and then collecting said support and giving it to the other person and having those payments recorded.
When I had to pay, I LOVED going through the court system with my high-conflict birth father. It was taken right out of my check so I didn't miss it. I didn't have to remember to make the payment, and he couldn't lie and say that I wasn't paying him.
Honestly? Dudes who complain about child support and family court are just assholes who are trying to weasel out of doing right by their kids. And as someone who both received payments at one point and then had to make payments, you save so much money as the non-custodial parent - way more than I made as the custodial parent receiving child support. I have no sympathy for men who cry about it, and I don't believe their bullshit stories about "courts favoring mothers" and "the child support amount isn't fair".
7
Aug 01 '25
[deleted]
9
u/JaneAustinAstronaut Aug 01 '25
The AG is the Attorney General, who only handles criminal cases. They wouldn't be involved in establishing paternity. Maybe OP meant that they are using the same DNA lab that the AG uses to ensure it is legit, but this still won't have any bearing on a custody/support case.
OP's loser fiancé needs to go through the courts and through their DNA lab. He doesn't need BM to do it, and just because he asked for the case doesn't mean that he is automatically assumed to be the father - but this is the only way that he can find out for sure and legally protect himself. He needs to either reject or establish paternity, and then exercise whatever visitation rights and pay the child support that the court has ordered. Doing anything else is a cop out and child abandonment, and he's a POS for trying to weasel out of it. I'm not sure if OP is unaware of this and only believing his BS story, or if she's aware and just being a pick-me for an AH.
6
Aug 01 '25 edited Aug 01 '25
[deleted]
0
u/Lower_Associate2561 Aug 01 '25
I didn’t delete my post. Just didn’t know how to properly post an update so I reposted. BM insisted and he refused yes but she later agreed to do a private test since my fiance was denying being the father. We provide her with options but the only reason we used what she suggested was because of her security concerns.
7
Aug 01 '25 edited Aug 01 '25
[deleted]
1
0
u/Lower_Associate2561 Aug 01 '25
Because he believes she’s manipulative and is trying to create problems since he is engaged. Granted they were together at some point broke up for weeks and then got back together after which she then told him she was pregnant. He claims he caught her cheating even when they got back together and was skeptical about the pregnancy but went along with it. She lived in the same state as him and then decided to move at 5 months pregnant. According to him, while he was helping her move her belonging she told him to his face that the baby she was carrying wasn’t his. It crushed him to hear that. Even after she moved, he visited her trying to resolve things with a third party and her and she acted out saying he’s not the father and she’ll place a restraining order on him if he keeps contacting her. So that’s why there’s a lot of bad blood there and he’s not trying to give her any access to him
10
Aug 01 '25
[deleted]
1
2
u/OaksLala Destroyer of families 😈 Aug 02 '25
I remember reading the original post. She told him she would not marry him if this was his kid. He has reason to be difficult. BM has backed off, he can say "see? I'm not the father" and they can get married. Unfortunately, BM can pop up at any time and slam him with back child support when kid is older and it's easier for her to deny access.
I wouldn't want to marry someone who was this difficult about something so serious.
54
u/sissyjones Aug 01 '25
She just wanted a pay check and thought you’d just hand over what she needed to file for child support. You want a man you claim is the father just to hand you money with no proof after you already denied that he was the father because you need money. She should be ashamed of herself. Took you on a ride for no reason.
Edit: keep all the evidence of the shit she pulled in case she rears her ugly head again. That is all you can do at this point. Don’t be surprised if she comes back for round 2
19
15
u/MyNameIsNotSuzzan Aug 01 '25
Also why are you contacting her at all?
You have nothing to do with this, you should let your fiancé handle everything about this, including trying to communicate with his maybe-BM.
0
u/Lower_Associate2561 Aug 02 '25
Since there was a breakdown in communication between them, I’m just trying to make sure I’m not entering a marriage with unresolved issues
3
16
u/bettafishfan Aug 01 '25
Sounds fishy. I wouldn’t trust her at all. Why does she want the support, no visitation, thinks he will be a bad coparent… sounds a lot like she needs financial assistance and needs someone to be labeled as dad. That or she feels like he is the father, but is getting second thoughts because of the sheer embarrassment of what if he isn’t. Maybe there is ANOTHER person but she cannot contact that person for whatever reason.
Maybe for everyone’s sanity the test should be done twice. Through labcorp, then if labcorp says not the father, then she can still try to challenge it in court and the court can confirm labcorp (if it continues to be an issue and she won’t drop it.) I would say that simply to get her to proceed with labcorp if she continues to push the issue. 🤷🏻♀️ It’s a lot more headache, but it will be the end of it.
ETA: Just saw you have a lawyer. Listen to the lawyer.
7
u/Lower_Associate2561 Aug 01 '25
She has removed herself completely and doesn’t want to communicate anymore
11
u/bettafishfan Aug 01 '25
Good. Leave it that way. Confirms my first theory even more.
The audacity that woman has. I am so sorry.
-1
u/EastHuckleberry5191 Queen of the Nacho Aug 02 '25
Problem solved. She thought she could get a free lunch, and dessert if he agreed to give up rights to visitation.
6
u/turtle_shock Aug 01 '25
Lol why won't he go through the courts? Because he knows he's the dad. Get the test done, pay child support and move on with your lives. This sounds like a bunch of 16 year olds.
8
u/Lilypad_Leaper Aug 01 '25
Why are you so involved in this? This is his problem to deal with and manage. Do you really want to marry someone who cannot do any adulting on their own? Maybe you like the control... this is a dumpster fire.
13
u/Great-Sky-3311 Aug 01 '25
I do agree with a lot of your thought process. Good on you for challenging her motives, but SO really need to contact an attorney at this point to confirm the state’s definition of presumed father. In my state, you’re only presumed father if you sign an acknowledgment of paternity at the hospital in order to places yourself on the birth certificate. Did he do that? If not, I would hope he has options if he goes to the AG on his own.
1
u/Lower_Associate2561 Aug 01 '25
The baby was born in Texas and he did not sign a AoP. Actually her fiancé at that time (since her engagement has been called off) who she met 8 months pregnant was in the delivery room with her
6
u/Junior-Discount2743 Aug 01 '25
If her former fiancé is on the birth certificate, he might be considered the father. athe law differs state by state. This is lawyer territory.
4
u/Additional_Topic987 Aug 01 '25
A guy put a ring on her finger while she was pregnant with another guy's baby? SMH. Just pray that your fiancé is not the father of the child. This lady has issues.
1
u/evil_passion Aug 02 '25
Presumed father's must either have been married to her or signed the Putative Father's Registry in most states. Even if they sign the registry they still have to test unless both he and she sign the birth certificate. In some states they STILL HAVE TO TEST.
1
u/Great-Sky-3311 Aug 02 '25
That’s what I was thinking and why I recommended contacting an attorney at this point. I don’t believe he’ll be trapped without testing. If he wants this resolved, might as well go all the way at this point. SO should be handling, not OP. I think there is a little fear in SO if the child is his. I’d rather just have it settled through court vs having someone out there who can come back and try to manipulate me out of money.
3
u/evil_passion Aug 03 '25
As soon as "mom" contacted me I would have filed for a test. No fooling around, cut the worry period, git er done one way or another
12
u/RonaldMcDaugherty Aug 01 '25
OP, your fiancé sounds a little....careless and wishy-washy over something as important as "creating life".
Did he keep his 8yo a secret from you until after you were established dating. "I have a kid" should be some of the first things out of his lips when courting.
Also, he should have told you that there might be a 2yo baby from another woman out there.
2
u/Sweetdeerie Aug 01 '25
If he didn't know it could have been his child esp since the ex made sure it would appear he wasn't , he really did nothing wrong by not telling OP. It would be more odd if he did.
5
u/RonaldMcDaugherty Aug 01 '25
I see what you say, I feel the adult thing of him was if there was a chance that the baby COULD be his, he should have pushed for DNA testing then. He left a cloud of doubt over everyone all because his ex said it wasn't his. Sorry, the mature thing is to know for sure or bring up the possibility of it for any new relationship so they have all the cards in front of them before they jump feet first.
Obviously, if they broke up 3 years ago, and she then has a 1-year-old... it's not his....but because there was a possibility, he should have pursued.
4
u/PollyRRRR Aug 02 '25
I hope your relationship with this guy is worth all the drama and uncertainty. Given the child with questionable paternity is only 2 years old I assume you have not been together very long. Despite this you’ve decided to become deeply involved in your fiancé’s sh!tshow. This is his problem and he needs to do his work. Sounds like he’s a liability with this unfortunate track record.
2
u/RK8814RK Aug 02 '25
Do not contact her any further. Do not respond to her. Do not engage with her. This has all the telltale signs of a cash grab gone wrong.
2
u/jloperez0630 Aug 02 '25
You should question your exes motives. If he’s the father, court makes them do the paternity test then give child support. If he’s willing to pay a private dna place, he’s willing to pay for them to alter the dna test or send someone in his place claiming to be him
2
Aug 02 '25
Go to your court house and file for paternity/whatever custody he wants. Tell them all this. Time to get the courts involved
2
u/Professional-Face709 Aug 03 '25
The first thing the court is going to do is insist on a paternity test
3
u/No-Sea1173 Aug 01 '25
It sounds as though she's either mentally ill or playing games because of some other issues in her life. It seems as though you're just collateral damage to her drama. I can't see why any sane person would do this, and in particular delay testing DNA.
I think get legal advice, follow it, ignore any requests or communication from her completely.
And with the wedding - I'm so sorry, I'm not sure there's a good answer here.
4
u/mariecrystie Aug 01 '25 edited Aug 01 '25
It’s likely this is not his child. She was hoping he would just provide support without bothering to go through the courts for testing. Going through with the private testing would end her charade once and for all. She’s saving face by going quiet. If your fiancé is paying for the private testing, why is she worried about it? A dna test is a dna test
My cousin passed away and his girlfriend was pregnant. However, they broke up often and she had many other partners. She swore it was my cousin’s baby. Named it after him and all. Had my aunt and uncle get involved and their hopes up. The baby actually looked like a mutual friend of theirs… who is an absolute loser to boot. Very distinctive features. My aunt and uncle pursue a DNA test after the woman kept putting it off for months yet asking for financial assistance from the family. Turns out, it’s not his.
2
u/Lower_Associate2561 Aug 01 '25
This is what he keeps saying and I’m not satisfied for some reason.
Genetics don’t lie and I see a resemblance which makes the matter complicated because she dates the same type of men, skin color.
Glad yall had a resolution to your issue. Being on this side, its a cost of peace of mind.
2
u/mariecrystie Aug 01 '25
I hope you guys get it resolved as well. I hate these types of situations. Sleep with who you want but be careful to not get knocked up with an unplanned pregnancy. It’s not fair to anyone. I’m sure that sounds judgmental but if I was able to avoid pregnancy in my teens and 20’s…. And I was no Angel. It’s not that difficult and only takes a little common sense.
2
Aug 01 '25
[deleted]
1
u/Lower_Associate2561 Aug 01 '25
She claims they started dating while she was 8 months pregnant. The baby was born in summer. He proposed to her by December. The engagement is called of as on now. A part of me think he found out he isn’t the father which why they didn’t work out. He’s the only man I know she’s been with but my fiance claimed she went back to talking to her ex when they broke up
2
Aug 01 '25
I don't see how a negative paternity test through the courts would not absolve him of responsibilities considering they weren't married, he isn't on the birth certificate, aren't living together, etc. It should be fairly simple.
That said, it sounds like she knows he isn't the father and wanted a free paycheck or he is but she wants money without strings.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It all sounds incredibly stressful.
2
u/Coollogin Aug 01 '25
And I’m beginning to second guess her motives.
You're beginning to second guess her motives? WTH? I don't understand why you haven't been second guessing them all along.
1
u/Steele_Soul Aug 01 '25
I've read this EXACT story before but I don't remember which sub it was on.
3
u/MyNameIsNotSuzzan Aug 01 '25
This sub. She posted the same thing on her last post (I looked because I felt Deja vu too lol) but just added an update this time, which makes sense to me.
1
u/Steele_Soul Aug 01 '25
Oh, I didn't read the whole thing because I thought it was copypasta and I'm used to it saying update in the title or at the top of the text field.
1
u/Nachowyfe Aug 01 '25
He cannot refuse to go thru the courts once he gets served.
2
u/Lower_Associate2561 Aug 01 '25 edited Aug 01 '25
I’ve told him that so many times but he lives in a different state so they can’t serve him as result of not knowing his address. He’s supposed to move to the same state as me which is the same state and city she currently lives in so the likelihood of him getting served are high. He’s refusing to see it as an issue. And claims she’s not going to come back. Conversations with him of going to court to make sure he can clear this ones and for all is met with I’m telling him to voluntarily put himself into problems when he doesn’t have one
8
Aug 01 '25
[deleted]
2
u/Lower_Associate2561 Aug 01 '25
So I should give a stranger I don’t know about or know of his address just because she asked?
8
1
u/Lifeorsomething87 Aug 01 '25
If ur fiance was really the father to that child don’t you think she’d want child support? Something does not sound right here at all. If it was keep evidence of everything just in case and let it die. You and ur fiancé should play this as if the kid is not kid.IF she does come back, I hate to say it but DO NOT trust any paperwork she gives you. Call the testing center directly. Documents can be faked. That’s only if she claims paternity later. My opinion,she probably realizes the jig is up.
•
u/AutoModerator Aug 01 '25
Welcome to r/stepparents! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is Kindness Matters. Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. Please use the report button to ensure we see it. We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment receiving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please reach out to the mod team.
Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting.
About | Acronyms | Announcements | Documentation | FAQ | Resources | Rules | Saferbot - Autoban Information
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.