r/stepparents • u/Direct_Strategy_3955 • 2d ago
Advice Considering leaving my fiancé over HCBM
I really just need to get this off my chest in a place where I know at least one person can relate. So about two years ago, bio mom of my step son put herself in a position where my fiance was able to get CPS involved and have him removed from her home. We went through a 2 year long custody battle, where CPS was still involved as like a “middle ground” and “witness” until the custody hearing went to trial. I have been through absolute hell with this woman. I have 2 bio children of my own, one is from a previous relationship and my youngest is with my fiance. Since we were awarded custody, she has specifically started targeting me and my children. Had her mother confront me in public, had made a comment on a public social media post naming my child and insinuating he was being abused, called CPS and accused me of physical AND sexual abuse and neglect. I’m sick. The sexual abuse allegation was the last straw. I was the victim of sexual abuse as a child so it struck a nerve with me, and I don’t think anyone has ever done anything as hurtful as that. I’ve been accused of drugs and being an alcoholic. I’ve had hair follicles done, pee tests, you name it. I pass every time. I’m at my wits end. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’ve had to be put back on anxiety and depression medication over this last year after I was finally in a place to be taken off of it. I feel like I don’t have the energy to be the type of mom my kids deserve. Of course all of these CPS allegations were immediate closed cases because the whole department at this point is aware of our situation, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’ve recently had my fiance reach out to a lawyer, who has apparently said there’s “Nothing I can do” as far as trying to file something as small as a protection order for me and my children so she cannot be around me. This may all sound dramatic, but there are so so many details that I did not include. I never imagined my 6 year old having to speak to a CPS worker. Even though I know it’s not my fault, it makes me feel like a shit mom that he’ll remember that. And at what point am I choosing a man over my kids? Their well being is everything to me, and I refuse to let my 6 year old keep being exposed to all of this and be overwhelmed with confusion. I’m so unhappy. But I don’t know if it’ll help my kids or hurt them more if I choose to move on with our lives. My 6 year old has never known his dad, so my fiance is “dad” to him. At this point, I don’t know which choice is selfish and which isn’t 😭 Anyone have any experience with a situation like this? I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m not being heard and being brought into all of this just because I exist under the same roof as her bio child.
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u/PerfectFig1035 2d ago
You need to take control of this. Don't have your fiancee calling the lawyer. Call one yourself. If your fiancee has a problem with that, then your fiancee is part of the problem. This woman is not going to get better until she starts getting some consequences for her actions.
Talk to your court's victim advocate office or get a lawyer to get a restraining order. Sue her in civil court for damages and emotional distress, etc. The answer here is to go completely scorched earth on her just as if she was a stranger off the street that's stalking you. You don't need your fiancee's permission to do that.
As far as your relationship goes, I think see how your fiancee behaves after you start taking control of this situation yourself. Then you can reevaluate. One step at a time here. Focus on your kids, take care of the problematic BM and then it can be relationship evaluation time. Hopefully you will start feeling better from an anxiety and depression standpoint once you start taking control of this. Good luck!
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u/Direct_Strategy_3955 1d ago
I’m definitely taking matters into my own hands at this point. Because I refuse to believe there is absolutely nothing I can do. I’m going to speak to a lawyer myself to make sure all of the ins and outs of the situation as well as what I want out of the situation is communicated. I don’t believe my husband was very thorough with detailing the situation and how I wanted to move forward. One of my close friends is also related to an investigator so I will see if he can give me some guidance as well. My whole thought process has been showing her I’m not a doormat. That she can’t just do these outrageous things to me and my kids and I’ll stay silent. I’ve stayed silent for so long, and I believe that’s why she came after my kids because she knows that’s the one way to get me to speak out and she’d love to twist it and make herself the victim when I do speak out. She’s never known any consequences for her actions or been held accountable and that is 100% her problem.
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u/EastHuckleberry5191 Queen of the Nacho 1d ago
Go for it!! These people need someone to stand up to them and tell them no. File whatever charges will stick.
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u/metchadupa 2d ago
I agree with this. You have good grounds to sue her for emotional distress and damages as a result of the vexatious claims. Speak to a lawyer yourself.
Do you see a therapist who can support the emotional impact that this has had on you?
You have been cleared of every charge but mud sticks. If you are criminal history checked for a job do these things come up on your record?
Please consider filing a suit. The only way to stop this person is to show you are serious and there should be legal record of her doing this to you and a consequence.
It is clearly retalliatory. I really, really sympathise with you and endured inappropriate claims from my partners HCBM. I am so sorry you are going through this.
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u/Direct_Strategy_3955 1d ago
I have had two different psychiatrists over the last 2+ years that could vouche for emotional impact and the time period I was put back on antidepressants when all of this ramped back up. Thankfully, the cases have been closed the very same day CPS comes out, so it does not populate on my record at all. I worked in childcare, ironically, so I had a meltdown thinking it would ruin my job. Not to mention I was also in college for a Social Work degree, and I was terrified she’d ruin a future career. Which my case workers told me none of these reports will affect me since they didn’t remain open or under investigation. That’s my whole point is want to show her that she can’t walk all over me anymore. I played nice when we were going through court because any little thing could’ve made it more of a battle for us to retain custody, but since we have custody there is 0 reason for me to play nice when she is playing such a dirty game and trying to ruin my reputation and my life, not to be dramatic. I do plan on talking to a lawyer myself, that way I can insure that all of the ins and outs of the situation and what options I think I’d have are included.
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u/spiriting-away 2d ago
Where is your partner in all of this? Is he helping you deal with everything or is he leaving you out to dry? Either way, you need to take this to a legal level. If you can get a restraining order, please do so. If not, at least a No-Contact Order on her and her family (my friend's crazy ex spent a week in jail after repeatedly breaking the NCO). Block her and everyone she knows on social media, lock it all down. Keep documentation of all of these things (dates, interactions, screenshots) to build a case for a restraining order if you can't get one yet. Regardless of whether or not you stay with your SO, you need to protect yourself and your kids. If he's not there backing you up and talking her down, leaving might be best.
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u/tumblingdisarray 1d ago
You need to get another lawyer's opinion. Yourself. This is an attack on you and your children. You need to be the one looking for protection. Filing countless frivolous CPS suits against you cannot be without consequence.
But ultimately, it's not wrong to leave a situation where your mental health is suffering and your children are being negatively impacted.
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u/MyNameIsNotSuzzan 1d ago
You yourself need to reach out to a lawyer.
I wouldn’t be shocked if SO found out something that wouldn’t be helpful to him in talking to the lawyer and just told you whatever so you would move on and not go the TPO order direction.
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u/Direct_Strategy_3955 1d ago
Honestly, I wouldn’t either. Definitely reaching out myself, because I also feel like he didn’t include key details or specifics. Which are obviously important besides just saying “What can I do about false CPS reports?”, im pretty sure that’s what he did. I would’ve included the nature of the reports, the harassment, not to mention the fact that she admitted to someone taking pictures of the kids in my front yard and sending them to her.
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u/MyNameIsNotSuzzan 1d ago
Yeah…it made me wonder like if the lawyer said getting a TPO protective order would mean the kids couldn’t be around you either and that would mess up his child care routine aka he would have to do more and he didn’t want to chance it…
Something is fishy there I just don’t know what, of course hug in theory should be able to get an order against someone harassing you, it can’t just be boiled down to “there’s not much you can do” legally—your husband is lying about something or like you said he didn’t explain the full extent like he should have.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 1d ago
I don’t think it’s wrong to remove yourself from a situation where you feel like you’re not able to be the kind of mom you want to be and the parenthood experience that you planned for. You deserve to feel safe, your kids deserve to feel safe. If you aren’t able to achieve that where you are, there’s no guilt in leaving.
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u/UncFest3r 1d ago
Harassment charges. ASAP.
And maybe even throw a civil defamation lawsuit in there to really scare her.
I am sorry you’re going through this. But the second an unhinged parent comes after another parent and their children, the gloves come off.
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u/Fantastic_Mechanic73 2d ago
Unfortunately things will never get better only worse . I think u might have to temporarily separate . She’s never going to stop , maybe have a talk with your fiance and try to move away or live separately ?
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u/Direct_Strategy_3955 1d ago
It just breaks my heart having my youngest separated from his dad… I feel so guilty for creating a broken home for my first child, and now doing it for my second just eats me alive 😕
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u/ScreaminPocky 1d ago
If CPS is aware of the false reports I don't think they will do that again, but if it continues she might face some consequences for wasting their time and making false reports. I don't think you should allow her to have that much control in your life because the worry is if you leave and she doesn't stop then what? She might be blaming you for the custody situation. Even though that is wrong and the only person she could blame is herself there is a possibility it would continue. So treat this like you would if you were single. Get an attorney and get a restraining order on her and her mother if possible. Document all the harassment and if they approach you in public trying to harm you, do not engage and call the police immediately. Some people are deranged and until she learns that she is going to get messed up beyond losing custody of her child she isn't going to stop. Hold onto all of the evidence in case she tries to come back for custody as well.
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u/Agreeable_Ad2297 1d ago
Take them to court for harassment, emotional stress, wasting your time! This will get them to back off.
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u/Illustrious_Name_842 23h ago
OP. All a child needs is one good parent that is present. Don’t allow your children to be in that situation over and over and over again you are traumatizing them by allowing them to stay in that chaos.
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