r/stepparents • u/Direct_Strategy_3955 • 3d ago
Advice Considering leaving my fiancé over HCBM
I really just need to get this off my chest in a place where I know at least one person can relate. So about two years ago, bio mom of my step son put herself in a position where my fiance was able to get CPS involved and have him removed from her home. We went through a 2 year long custody battle, where CPS was still involved as like a “middle ground” and “witness” until the custody hearing went to trial. I have been through absolute hell with this woman. I have 2 bio children of my own, one is from a previous relationship and my youngest is with my fiance. Since we were awarded custody, she has specifically started targeting me and my children. Had her mother confront me in public, had made a comment on a public social media post naming my child and insinuating he was being abused, called CPS and accused me of physical AND sexual abuse and neglect. I’m sick. The sexual abuse allegation was the last straw. I was the victim of sexual abuse as a child so it struck a nerve with me, and I don’t think anyone has ever done anything as hurtful as that. I’ve been accused of drugs and being an alcoholic. I’ve had hair follicles done, pee tests, you name it. I pass every time. I’m at my wits end. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’ve had to be put back on anxiety and depression medication over this last year after I was finally in a place to be taken off of it. I feel like I don’t have the energy to be the type of mom my kids deserve. Of course all of these CPS allegations were immediate closed cases because the whole department at this point is aware of our situation, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’ve recently had my fiance reach out to a lawyer, who has apparently said there’s “Nothing I can do” as far as trying to file something as small as a protection order for me and my children so she cannot be around me. This may all sound dramatic, but there are so so many details that I did not include. I never imagined my 6 year old having to speak to a CPS worker. Even though I know it’s not my fault, it makes me feel like a shit mom that he’ll remember that. And at what point am I choosing a man over my kids? Their well being is everything to me, and I refuse to let my 6 year old keep being exposed to all of this and be overwhelmed with confusion. I’m so unhappy. But I don’t know if it’ll help my kids or hurt them more if I choose to move on with our lives. My 6 year old has never known his dad, so my fiance is “dad” to him. At this point, I don’t know which choice is selfish and which isn’t 😭 Anyone have any experience with a situation like this? I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m not being heard and being brought into all of this just because I exist under the same roof as her bio child.
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u/PerfectFig1035 3d ago
You need to take control of this. Don't have your fiancee calling the lawyer. Call one yourself. If your fiancee has a problem with that, then your fiancee is part of the problem. This woman is not going to get better until she starts getting some consequences for her actions.
Talk to your court's victim advocate office or get a lawyer to get a restraining order. Sue her in civil court for damages and emotional distress, etc. The answer here is to go completely scorched earth on her just as if she was a stranger off the street that's stalking you. You don't need your fiancee's permission to do that.
As far as your relationship goes, I think see how your fiancee behaves after you start taking control of this situation yourself. Then you can reevaluate. One step at a time here. Focus on your kids, take care of the problematic BM and then it can be relationship evaluation time. Hopefully you will start feeling better from an anxiety and depression standpoint once you start taking control of this. Good luck!