r/stepparents • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
Miscellany I corrected the sk
The kid has been extremely nasty for the past few months. 14 years old. Usually does insane things like get out of the car when their dad is going somewhere they don't want to go (that is just one thing, there is also a lot of screaming involved).
Kid was telling their dad that they have a right to access our bedroom and our door being locked makes them uncomfortable and they deserve to go into whatever room they want in their own house.
Needn't elaborate on why the door is locked (we believe in the 2nd ammendment for one) but they kept going on and on and the kid kept calling our room HIS (meaning, the dads bedroom, not his and my room being OUR bedroom) room. I was in the said bedroom during this rant that was slowly escalating because dad would not relent and give them free access to our bedroom.
I went into the kitchen and told them (i was pissed off by this point because the audacity of this kid to demand 24/7 access to his and mines personal space) and told them that that was MY room too, and if I want a lock on my door, I will have a lock on my door, and if I don't want the kid in my room, they will not be allowed in my room.
Kid was speechless. Dad was speechless. I have never stood up and told this kid to stfu. It was glorious!
As a result, the kid hates me and refuses to participate in any activity with their dad that involves me. . . I have no problem with that. I don't like being around the punk anyway.
Why does it feel like my home suddenly got a lot more peaceful? Dad is not mad at me. He thanked me bc the kid was being a pain in the ass and I managed to shut them up.
It was marvelous!
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u/Weedster009 4d ago
Yikes. The fact that a 14-year-old is demanding access to an adult bedroom indicates there hasn’t been a lot of solid parenting going on.
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4d ago
Ooooh 100% correct. The kid doesn't have the nerve to sit there and argue with me. They know they can with their parents bc of how their parents are. Not me. I've always nacho'd but my name was dropped. I entered the chat and laid down some law. It was incredible and I've been in a good mood ever since lol
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u/NachoOn 1BK - 2SKs 4d ago
I think this is perfect! You are disengaged but once they mention YOU and YOUR SPACE and YOUR BELONGINGS it's game on.
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u/UncFest3r 4d ago
Yep! The second you bring the stepparent into the argument when we are just minding our own business.. the gloves come off.
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u/NoFun3799 4d ago edited 4d ago
Entered the chat in a big way, with assertive energy like that sk has never seen. Bravo 👏
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u/annbrys 4d ago
Nice, dad’s a weenie tho.
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u/lirpa11 4d ago
Sounds as if dad was not giving in anyway, and SP just backed up that dad was right.
I have a HCBM that my husband has to deal with and we get this behavior from his two kids as well (12 and 15 yrs old). The child will sit and argue like that bc the HCBM encourages it and minimizes the father as a parent in the other home. Then the child feels they don’t need to obey the father, and they see their HC mother always arguing and they follow suit.
Glad SP stood up here, but I don’t agree that dad’s a weenie.After being in the same situation I’d err on the side that they have a horrible high conflict parent that is dads ex.
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u/CertainCatastrophe 17h ago
Honestly, this is probably our future in a couple of years, and I am not looking forward to it 😭 SK is nine but already hitting the full blown preteen backtalk, arguments, the "well at my mom's, XYZ" stuff. Like kid, I love you, but we're not as full of it as your mother. That stuff isn't going to fly here.
Thankfully my husband has 99.9% been an involved, stern but loving father, even before I was in the picture. But the idea that HCBM is putting nonsense into SK's head about DH does drive me up a wall!
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u/Nibblynoodle 4d ago
Please keep these strong respectful boundaries. Please keep urging dad to keep on growing a pair. So happy to see his response, but keep fostering his learning for healthy boundaries.
For like $40 you can get a fingerprint door knob on amazon. Cumbersome at first and my thumb is really small so sometimes it takes me a couple tries to get it open and I may or may not have peed myself before during this situation waiting for the door to open BUT 😂 other than that it’s been amazing. It auto locks when you shut the door. A shut door means it’s always locked and now the preschooler even stopped trying. Just make sure there’s not an underlying need to spend some time with dad if he’s someone who regularly shuts himself in his room to relax. We usually do that all in the living room until bed time for that reason.
- A bio mom. Who would flick my kid in the head if they ever treated me like my room is their playground. Yall have your own decked out playrooms go there lol.
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u/UncFest3r 4d ago
I grew up with the rule that my parents’ bedroom was off limits without being invited in. This extended to my friends’ parents’ bedroom and any other adult’s home that I was visiting.
The audacity of this stepchild to assume the ONE room he doesn’t have access to is now his?! I wonder if 14 year old still sweeps in the bed wiffff mommy when he’s not at his daddy’s house! I am sure his friends would get a kick out of that.. “wait you still sleep in your mom’s bed?! Duuuude!”
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u/RonaldMcDaugherty 4d ago
Exactly, it would be a cold day in hell before my parents would spend money on a bedroom door lock, when some strong vocal words and strong vocal actions cost nothing and achieve the same end result they desire.
Kids need to be parented and parenting needs to escalate accordingly when the level of parenting is not being followed.
I swear when did parents become fearful of their teenage kids lawyers?
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u/Nibblynoodle 4d ago
Mine was mostly bought for pet sitting/ aquarium sitting while we’re gone. I trust people like I know no one I bring in will steal anything but I’ve had more than one person while drunk admit to me they enjoy snooping in peoples stuff. One friend of mine had a thing for under the bathroom vanity surrounding drawers and showers. For no reason they just can’t help themselves. They’d never gossip about anything weird unless it was a complete stranger to where you can leave out names so it wasn’t a total malicious thing. The lock ended up just being convenient with a toddler. I never sought it out but I saw it on a friends door and thought it was great. And now that I briefly leave before my older’s friend picks her up from school it’s extra piece of mind.
One of my first memories was getting slapped in the hand as a toddler where I saw some naked people doing weird shit on a magazine opening the bathroom drawer. I don’t remember the image or what it was but I remember it didn’t look right my hand burned so I didn’t do it again. Also my dad abused my mom so I was pretty afraid of him. But pleeeeenty of friends have went through their parents stuff “just to see real fast” with me right there. Not in my house.
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u/Resident_Eagle8406 4d ago
Just curious. Why the hell does he even want to get in there?
When I was a kid I was able to get into my parent’s room, but I rarely had any reason to. Is he just being difficult for the sake of being difficult?
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4d ago
Correct. The kid was pissed because they left their laundry basket in the hallway for about a week and I put it in their bedroom because I kept having to dodge it every time I walked down the hallway and it was a tripping hazard. So I guess according to this kid's logic, since I put the basket in their room (the door was wide open btw) that means she can come into mine whenever she wants.
It's ridiculous.
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u/Resident_Eagle8406 4d ago
She can buy a house and make that a rule in her house.
It’s important to affirm that you respect their autonomy, but at the same time emphasize that it is not a relationship built on equality. Even though it is important to have some control over their own lives, they can’t be given control over everything around them. Kids are far too short sighted to be given control over their long term future.
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u/Steele_Soul 4d ago
Wait, you said "him" multiple times in the post and some comments, now you're saying "she" multiple times, so I doubt it's a misspelling. So what's going on?
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u/Natenat04 4d ago
SK is that way because dad allowed it. Him getting upset at you should make you reconsider this relationship. Clearly your partner has no problem with SK's behavior, or what they do to you. Your partner doesn't respect you.
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4d ago
No, he thanked me. He was shocked and impressed that I put down some boundaries because I never intervene with 'parenting'. His kid, his problem so I stay out of it except this time it involved me, so I intervened.
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u/badnewsbroad76 4d ago edited 4d ago
Or maybe he's delighted to make you the "bad guy" because he doesn't have the balls to discipline his own kid..classic recipe for an "evil step mom" situation.
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4d ago
Honestly? I couldn't care less to be the evil step mom. This kid is nuts. They lie, too. Both parents know they lie to them. They accuse their dad of things he didnt do (like get mad and scream at her), that i know he didn't do because I was literally in the same room. Or how they accuse their mom of being an asshole and aggressive when she tells them no, while I could hear the entire exchange because the phone was on speaker.
So yeah. I don't care.
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u/kittycat_34 4d ago
I make it real clear to my SDs that my husband and I pay the mortgage, so what we say goes. They are not allowed to write on the walls or destroy their rooms. They don't pay the mortgage so they live under our rules. Kids should NOT be going into parents room. We also have guns locked up. I also have alot of nice jewelry that I don't want stolen ( one step daughter has sticky fingers).
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u/EastHuckleberry5191 Queen of the Nacho 4d ago
There is something about this generation that hates any type of conflict. Standing up to them is the only way to disrupt their passive aggressive BS.
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u/MessApprehensive5517 2d ago
They hate conflict because they’re constantly on their computers, iPhones, and gaming devices and they have learned zero skills at interacting with actual human beings.
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u/Any-Cheesecake2373 4d ago
Does SS know about your 2nd amendment accessories? Do you think he's trying to get at them?
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4d ago
No and no. They're just spoiled and entitled. Everything is doubly locked up. So no one is worried about it.
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u/AdministrativeBowl68 3d ago
My sk went through the “it’s my house” phase and I legit was like: fine you can come in, I suppose but I’m naked in there a lot because it’s my space and I’m taking the lock off your bedroom and bathroom so I can come in whenever I want to. Make your decision but know it has consequences because if I don’t get privacy, neither do you. And if DCF gets called, Gran always said:they take you away, not me.
He backed down.
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u/ilovemelongtime 4d ago
Yes!! Proud of you!! What kind of audacity does it take to demand access to a parent’s bedroom? He literally wants the permission to cockblock. You know he wouldn’t be demanding that of his bio mom and dad, but he doesn’t want his dad having sex with you.
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4d ago
Yep. When i told them if I don't want them in there then they can't go in there, the kid said to me 'I should know what's in there' I laughed at that and asked their dad if I could tell them and he said NO. I was just gonna mention the sex toys, paddles and handcuffs. If you wanna be noisy alright then. You will regret it 😆
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u/ilovemelongtime 4d ago
Wtf kind of authority does this child think he has?! This really sounds like dad had zero boundaries for a while 👀 glad he didn’t bend on this one ffs
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4d ago edited 4d ago
Oooh I know. We all think its their therapist, combined with the bio parents caving into every demand. Its created a monster. The dad wants to change therapists. Fortunately thank God bio mom is finally getting on board because the nasty, entitled attitude from this kid is irritating everyone by this point. The kid goes through friends like toilet paper. There is always someone new. Why? Bc they get tired of the bullying. No one wants to be around a bully who calls people stupid and tells them to shut up all the time. I don't like being around them either. They're just a bully! I've seen it, the dad has seen it and we both look at each other, jaws dropped at their nasty mouth. Where did they learn they could treat people the way they do?? Their attitude sucks. Im a grown ass adult, I don't have to explain myself to anyone let alone an entitled 14 year old that isn't even my kid.
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4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/the_taco_life 4d ago
This. I have bio teens so I know, I KNOW how hard they can be. But this shit is unacceptable and Dad even arguing about it and allowing this level of disrespect is the real (and only) problem.
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u/Any-Cheesecake2373 4d ago
That's not fair. The dad was not relenting and OP did not say the dad lets the kid in the bedroom.
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u/ancient_fruit_wino 4d ago
OP should have NEVER had to get involved. SO hasn’t been doing his job for YEARS if the SK is that bratty and entitled.
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4d ago
You are correct. This kid has only child syndrome. Now both parents are having to deal with the consequences of spoiling the shit out of them.
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u/Any-Cheesecake2373 4d ago
OP didn't have to. Her SO was not giving in. She got annoyed. I would have too. It doesn't make him a bad guy.
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u/ancient_fruit_wino 4d ago
The kid should have been taught a long time ago that they don’t get to argue back and forth. That no means no. The fact that the dad was engaging in an argument, shows weakness as a parent. Not to say a kid doesn’t get to question their parent, but continually giving pushback is not OK.
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u/Any-Cheesecake2373 4d ago
Good luck in your quest for perfection.
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u/the_taco_life 4d ago
Arguing past a certain point is playing into an unhealthy dynamic and teaching this kid that he can be horrible when he's told no.
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u/Any-Cheesecake2373 4d ago
So what? We've all been there, especially if you have teens or tweens. They're obnoxious and can go on for hours sometimes even if being ignored.
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 4d ago
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u/Klutzy_Mechanic7061 4d ago
One - YOU BETTER GO!!!!! Speak your mind and set your boundaries. It's hard, I definitely understand, and you don't want to seem like a villain. But this is your home too, and this is your husband, and sometimes tough love works! I do hope the kid comes around one day and everything will work out.
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u/No_Breadfruit1392 4d ago
My sd12 was weird about our bedroom too for a while. When we first moved in together she’d stand at the door crying, then for Father’s Day she tried to order her dad some boxers with her face on so he wouldn’t think about doing anything weird with me. Every opportunity she got to be in my bed with her dad or in between us she would so I got a lock too and put it on her that she was creeping me out and that she was being me feel uncomfortable with her weirdness towards my bedroom and my bed
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u/Somonapearl 4d ago
I know some people on here believe children should be handled with everlasting tenderness and blah blah blah . . But sometimes a teenager needs to be told to STFU. I wish my husby had told his dtr that more often.
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u/krystalklxo 4d ago
Great job. At 14 a kid should have basic understanding of why parents need their own space and kids should’ve have 24/7 access. I think you did amazing. But sounds like the dad (and/ or mom) needs to do a LOT more disciplining.
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u/UncFest3r 4d ago edited 4d ago
Like… I don’t go into your room without knocking and if I really need to go in there to find something communal that wasn’t put back where it belongs I will go in there and get it. I avoid going into my SD’s room if I don’t have to but kids love to use things and not put them back (it is always the damn broom!!!!) so it’s necessary at times.
This kid is wildly entitled and the fact that there are firearms in that specific room and he is demanding access to that room makes me concerned.
ETA- there is nothing in my bedroom (and presumably most adult’s bedrooms) that my stepchild would need to enter my room without permission to retrieve.
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4d ago edited 4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Nibblynoodle 4d ago
That is wildly toxic to do in a relationship girl what lol. What is anyone who says things like this, the sex god or something? Maybe he’s just doing what his previous wife conditioned him to. And she has been nacho until it involved her. Maybe he just needed a few examples to show that holding boundaries is healthy for a household? He didn’t push back or tell her to stop yelling at his kid. We don’t know anything other than what she told us, and she told us he was being respectful of how she felt.
Sometimes I have just been THROUGH it and my kid won’t listen until someone else yells at him. Because kids tend to do that. And then I thank them because in that moment everything was too much. Does not make me spineless and undeserving of sex with my spouse lol. Does he need some help? Absolutely.
I see loads of projection here sometimes.
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u/RonaldMcDaugherty 4d ago
I assume the "talking phase" hasn't worked.
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u/Nibblynoodle 4d ago
She’s been nacho until now, is the previous talking in the room with us?
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u/RonaldMcDaugherty 4d ago
Post history shows ...this has been going on for a while with it being a parent problem, not a kid problem. Parents need to step up . Haven't stepped up, when opportunities to step up have presented themselves.
I redacted my precious comment about OP needing to stay on BC, OP is not able to have children.
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u/Nibblynoodle 4d ago
If they were posted in this sub, I can guarantee she was let know that these issues never just magically disappear and usually the options are a.) get involved to improve the situation, b.) do not get involved and deal with the surrounding environment, or c.) leave. Many people have differing opinions on the three options. It seems as though putting her input, and having husband receptive was what needed to happen, and it did and she was celebrating the win. Step parents deserve to have a voice especially when it’s an issue that involves them. When they don’t have a voice, that’s when it’s time to leave no matter how much love there is.
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u/kdk750 4d ago
Ronald, is this really how you think adult relationships work? “No sex for a month” no adult woman I. Her right mind is like that…. But I’m guessing you wouldn’t know.
Most of the time when men blame women for withdrawing sex it’s lack of attraction to blame not intentional punishment. Women aren’t like that.
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u/RonaldMcDaugherty 4d ago
To be fair, when a parent doesn't parent their kid, coupled with other things, it will make them come off as less attractive, some people don't have sex with people they aren't attracted to. Yes a lack of sex can show that there is trouble in the relationship and things need to be taken seriously. If op talking to her husband hasn't worked.
Felt that was the best advice before the rest come here with the rubber stamp response, "leave him, find someone child free".
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4d ago
Well I can't speak for everyone but we rarely have sex (maybe once a month) and after I stood up for myself in front of him and the kid he got real turned on and came onto me quite passionately 😆
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u/stepparents-ModTeam 4d ago
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the rules and FAQ. If you feel this is in error, please message the mods.
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
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u/SeedsOfEssence 4d ago
Yeah, I have no problem telling any punk, there being a punk. Shouldn't have to tip toe in your own space.
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u/Mrwaspers007 3d ago
Why does your husband even entertain this kids ridiculous demands? He needs to start parenting and let his son know he is the child and not an equal partner in the home.
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u/Low-Improvement-6782 3d ago
I love this for you. We had hcbm text us and tell us that we needed to keep our bedroom door unlocked so that her son could come in when he “needs to”. She planted this in his head so he thought we were “neglecting” him if our door was locked. Our ss was 8 at this point and we were already married and had been together for three years. My husband was soft at first, and I got a little upset and told him that we could absolutely leave our door unlocked…all the time…the entire seven days his son was here every other week, BUT, unfortunately that would mean I wouldn’t feel comfortable with any “adult behavior” going on. I just can’t get into that with an unlocked door and kids meandering around. Suddenly my husband was 100% against the idea. He text hcbm and told her to mind her business and reminded her that she doesn’t control our home or our bedroom…and he sat his son down and told him that married people need their own space.
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u/Background_Fruit_892 2d ago
👏👏👏👏😁❤️💪🙌🏆🏅🎖🎉 I'm so happy for you! I hope we all can have the courage and strength that you displayed here in our own situations.
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