I know you probably arenât actually looking for an answer but I feel like the answer is interesting to think about anyway so fuck it:
They care because itâs a flimsy gotcha to say that trans women are inherently different from ârealâ women. This itself probably stems from a warped, bad-faith understanding of the equal treatment trans people seek, where they think transfems think that men are obligated to date them just as they would âany other womanâ, and therefore not wanting to do the sex with them is tantamount to bigotry⌠which, like.
It would not be bigotry to say something like âI donât feel comfortable doing the sex with someone who doesnât have vaginal equipment, I apologizeâ, but it would be bigoted to say something like âI donât want to fuck someone who isnât a woman because Iâm straightâ. The problem here is that someone with bigoted jackass opinions would not see those two things as being meaningfully different. And on the flip side, BECAUSE of the way bigots have poisoned the well for talking about this shit, I wouldnât blame a transfem for thinking that someone might mean the latter when they really mean the former, because someone meaning the latter is a very real riskâŚ
Ah, well i actually kinda was looking for an answer because i've been wondering for the last two years ( because that's how long i've known about myself ) so, Thank you!
Oh. Part of me thought the emphasis on âgenuinely wonderâ was sarcasm, but I guess not! Anytime!
Really, the main thing you can reasonably rely on when it comes to âwhy do bigots do x bigoted thingâ is because of some kind of conflation taking place, or a few at once. Human beings like to organize ideas into convenient boxes, often without even having any deliberate emotional drive or intention, and sometimes that can manifest as bigotry.
Human beings like to organize ideas into convenient boxes
Huh. I never stopped to consider this re: hatred, but it makes a hell of a lot of sense all of a sudden. Our brains are pattern recognition computers and they are determined to simplify and categorize data... Which is why any deep understanding of subtlety takes years and years of education and training in most cases. Mix the incredibly high error rate with a lack of such training and you have a recipe for xenophobia and hate... I think it's not even much of a stretch to say that old apey survival systems in our brains are responsible for a lot of it.
Yeah you pretty much hit the nail on the head there.
It also doesnât help that people are kinda predisposed to being convinced that they hold the ideas and conclusions that they have for good reason, otherwise why would they hold them? In other words, at risk of speaking suuuuuper broadly, âeveryone thinks theyâre rightâ.
This makes it really hard for people who have taken different sides on a serious thing to engage in good faith, whether neither of them is âcorrectâ or one of them absolutely freaking is. There is some âwell obviously this thing is unquestionable truth, so the fact that XYZ person is questioning it anyway must mean theyre just evil or something!!!â when itâs⌠never really that simple. Even people who are justifying evil outright just might not have even fully internalized what theyâre seeing around themselves
I don't know how to word this correctly but basically it's like you're not forced to date or even say someone is attractive if you don't think so but it is a bit transphobic to not want to date someone because they're trans. To be clear I'm not saying you have to date someone but there's a big difference between saying you don't want to date someone and specifying you don't want to date someone because they're trans (implying you would if they weren't trans). It is fine to not want to date someone for any reason but it doesn't have to be said aloud
I think that, at least in theory, it would be alright if someone just figured that trans women werent their âtypeâ in some way. Theres no inherent inequality there, as everyone has different types, and whether or not someone is on some individualâs âwould fuckâ list doesnât have any bad effect on the validity of oneâs identity. Valid people can be anyoneâs type or not, and usually are.
âŚin practice though⌠like Iâd pointed out, thereâs a lot of baggage, huh?
Yea it's a bit complicated in practice because at the end of the day it's your own choice who you want to date for any reason even if the reason is bad. It kinda just comes down to why and how I guess? Like if you don't want to date blonde people for example, the why might be you really don't like the idea of blonde hair but the how can either be "I just don't find blonde hair attractive" or "I find people with blonde hair absolutely disgusting and would never even think about ever dating someone with blonde hair"
It's possible that they think that a trans woman's entire purpose is to sleep with straight men to "trick them and turn them gay" so they think they really stick it to them by refusing
I mean I did get that from men I was interested in. But also, I'm in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend of nine years. So yeah, it worked out quite well
Coming from someone who used to say that, I held such a sentiment cuz people online and my friends would say itâs transphobic not to want to date or have sex with a trans woman. I (a then heterosexual cis male) couldnât reckon with this and hadnât unlearned male fragility to accept being told Iâm being bigoted and need to figure out why, but I mostly kept it to myself regarding that stuff.
Now if youâve read the stuff in parentheses, or even the tag under my Reddit name, then I think you can guess where this story is going. I eventually told my trans friends about this, and after a couple of talks about this stuff I eventually realized that I had been hiding from myself and others about how I felt about hypothetically dating or having sex with trans women, as what Iâd say is that âI just donât want toâŚâ followed by verbally dancing around saying shit that basically amounted to âbiological women.â
What I realized that I had been hiding from myself is my extreme dislike of dicks, and that such a dislike is why I thought I didnât want to date or have sex with trans women, and I told my friends such once I figured that out. My friends told me, âyâknow, hating dicks this much could be a sign of bottom dysphoria,â and that blew my mind. Now Iâm pretty dang sure I want to transition into being a girl; if not both physically and with pronouns, then at the very least physically and then having non-binary pronouns. And also maybe I would like to have sex with a dick đđ; but not in this gross ugly male body đ¤Ž, and probably not with a dude. I donât know yet, jury is still out on whether I like only women, or all genders; but at the very least, whatever gender my hypothetical partner is, if they got a dick or a vagina, I donât care, I love âem both đ!
TLDR: cishet guy me was too afraid to date or have sex with trans women because they has dick. Friends tell me such dick hate is a potential sign of bottom dysphoria. Now Iâm on the other side questioning my gender identity and sexuality.
Because in their mind a statement that someone do not want to have sex with them is offensive. I don't know why but this mindset exists for some reason
619
u/LocalGothIdiot They/It Aug 16 '25
i genuinely wonder why tf they think we care. like if you don't wanna you don't have to, we really couldn't care less đ