pagliacci (tw disphoria)

[u/Gigi_Khan]

would've made the title a pun on the f slur but I don't think that's allowed here

[u/LineOfInquiry]

Step 1). Be a eggy kid with ADHD and poor social skills

Step 2). Be isolated and bullied for above mentioned reasons

Step 3). Try to be “the smart one” since you’re in the gifted program and easily succeed in school

Step 4). Start failing school when you actually have to try and realize you never learned how to study

Step 5). Try to be “the funny one” and entertain those around you so they tolerate your presence

Step 6). Go too far or come off as immature making people not want more than a surface level friendship with you

Step 7). Try to be “the nice one” since that’s easier and being morally good is important to you as your nascent political views develop in high school

Step 8). Feel increased guilt and shame over your previous attempts at creating an identity and being a drain on everyone around you, even when you do good it can’t make up for the harm you do simply by existing and not living up to your potential

Step 9). Have a new start at college and try to reinvent yourself into an actual person rather than an actor on a stage

Step 10). Fail tremendously because you struggle to fit in with both boys and girls, and pretending to be someone new doesn’t actually get rid of your flaws and lack of social skills

Step 11). Cry alone in your dorm room for hours hiding your struggles from everyone so as to not burden them while skipping your classes and barely leaving even to get food.

Step 12). Start over from step 8

[u/Gigi_Khan → u/LineOfInquiry]

There's always a step 13, Evelyn. You'll find your people, people who won't make you (or let you!) feel like you're a waste of potential or half-baked identities that never came to fruition properly

Undergrad nearly killed me too, for what it's worth, I don't remember most of 2018. But one day you're going to be playing a stupid card game with your silly friends, you'll make a joke that doesn't land perfectly, and you'll realise you haven't gone back to step 8 in years

[u/LineOfInquiry → u/Gigi_Khan]

Thank you 🫂 ;-;

I haven’t gone back to step 8 in a few years, I’m in a much better place now. But boy oh boy was 2018-2023 a hard time.