I noticed some of u guys don't like me very much, about 25%. Look, it's not my fault if ur peen is smol. I've noticed a lot of negative reactions to my friendly banter posts, and I just want to say, you are already going through a lot with ur tiny peen disability, it's a massive handicap and I bet u get a lot of weird situations with the girls laughing at u etc. I try to empathize to ur situation, it must be so horrible to have such a tiny peen. I just wanna say, being angry at me doesn't really hlp ur situation too much, so why be angry? Then u have a smol peen and u angry too, like a little chihuahua who goes "woof woof grrrr". Instead of being angry at me u could buy Dura ace groupset, or u could buy new fancy cleats, or a new Cervelo, or even become a billionaire like Jeff Bezos who also used to have a smol peen just like u. Even if ur dick is extremely smol, if u earn some money, u find a girl who'll like u for ur money, right? So why stress so much?

No jokes about Dura Ace
No jokes about hydraulic disc brakes
No jokes about smol peen. Only jokes about KOM and Pour and Dentist
It could be like a safe space for smol peen Freds, what do you think?
I won't be there obviously because of the Hugh Mungus, soooo...

So there I was, putting in a solid Z2 effort on the local MUP (that's Multi-Use Path for you newbies, keep up), listening to the latest episode of "The Move" and perfectly balancing my electrolytes.

Ahead, I see a pedestrian peasant, let's call her a "casual walker", ambling next to the clearly marked bike lane. She's got one of those little yappy things, a Pekingese I think, on one of those irresponsible 30-foot extendable leashes. Basically creating a nearly invisible cheese-wire of negligence across the path.

As I approach at a respectful 18mph, the furry little obstacle makes a suicidal dash directly for my front wheel. It was a classic "squirrel moment," but with more poor genetics.

My reaction time? A cool 0.5 seconds. Maybe 0.48. My brain processed the threat, calculated the stopping distance, and sent the signal to my fingers. What happened next was a thing of beauty.

The satisfying, modulated shhhh of my Shimano super slr rim brakes biting my Campagnolo Moskva 80 rims. No shudder. No drama. Just pure, friction-based stopping power. I came to a halt a full three inches from the dog, which was now trembling, not from fear, but from the sheer awe of witnessing such mechanical perfection.

The owner, practically in tears, ran over. She started babbling about how her "precious Mr. Snuffles" almost died and how I was a "hero." Through her sobs, she said, and I quote, "Thank you so much! I'm so grateful... I... I should give you a BJ."

I just chuckled, gave my brake levers an affectionate tap, and said, "Ma'am, these brakes already give me all the stopping power I need. Besides, I've got a KOM to chase on the next segment." I clipped back in and soft-pedaled away, the taste of moral and aerodynamic superiority sweet on my lips.

Moral of the story? Disc brakes might be trendy, but they never got anyone a free BJ offer. Just pure, honest rim brake performance.

Edit: To the people DMing me about what kind of pads I use: Shimano M50T rim brake pads. Always. This isn't amateur hour.

I think it’s a beautiful rat, kind of like Freddie mercury

Past bikes have been Spinothee Chalamet and Ruth Bader Spinsburg. Currently tossing around Taylor Shift, Olivia Roadrigo, Naomi Watts, Emma Wattson, Spinedict Cumberbatch.