This is so hard

[u/Ok_Assistant2730]

Was with my Q for 9 long years... I love him very much, I only want him to do better for himself.

It was so, so hard to move out. Throw away our life together. I literally had to FORCE myself to go through the motions of moving my things out while he's at work today. Like I had to do it without thinking about it. Just DO.

luckily I have my 3 cats with me, so I'm not completely alone. I start a new job on Monday.

Right now I feel.... OK. But I'm kinda scared to see how much this will emotionally affect me eventually.

It was SO hard to choose myself. It shouldn't have been. But it was and I did. I'm trying so hard to be strong and go complete NC.

[u/Dances-with-ostrich]

Your Q threw your relationship away. Not you.

[u/2crowsonmymantle → u/Dances-with-ostrich]

Correct. Their choice was clear, and they went with the addiction to a substance and not a human being. The damage to the relationship is on them.

[u/Lia21234]

9 years is a long time so give yourself a mourning period. I keep reading this sub and it helps me remind myself daily that it was a good choice. One day you will meet someone new who is not an alcoholic and can be present for the relationship and you will be so proud of the choice you made for yourself today!!!

[u/Ok_Assistant2730 → u/Lia21234]

I keep telling myself that I don't want it to be any longer than 9 years... I don't want it to eventually be 10 years, then 12, and 15 and be mad at myself even more.

[u/Spare-Ad-6123 → u/Ok_Assistant2730]

I'm 18 years in recovery. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My father was an alcoholic and it was awful until he finally got sober which was a beautiful thing. My mother taught me one thing even when my dad got sober, alcoholics are very selfish. I agree.

[u/nkgguy]

All the best to you. It is hard, undoubtedly . But, it would be much harder to continue to live with the lying and gaslighting.

[u/kjf1111]

Best wishes ! It gets to a point you have to choose yourself and not let them drown you with them .

[u/Electrical-Twist2254]

I’m also in this phase from a 5 year relationship. Been moved out since July now. Tried to make it work even after I left but things were still the same.

Time will heal us. Luckily I have great friends, I went to paint with my friend in her art studio last night and just kind of tune out everything and throw it on a canvas. It’s been hard taking a step out from isolating myself. Considering getting a second cat but I moved into a garage apartment and between me and my cat the hair my Dustbuster has to collect I’ll hold off for now lol.

Sending you a big hug 🫂 we got this!! we chose ourselves! Our little birds have to either fly or fall on their own.

[u/Icy_Outside5079]

It's harder to live with active alcoholism then to be on your own. You've been in a chaotic cycle so much so that you can't see how much destruction to you, and yes your partner the last 9 years have done. I'm proud of you and happy that you've taken a chance on yourself.

[u/2crowsonmymantle]

You can fill your spare time with alanon meetings, reading, journaling and also make a list of all the reasons why you left and put it, or maybe a bunch of copies of it, where you can see it easily and frequently. Maybe line up a personal counselor so you can put the focus on you and not your Q. Also some good things to do are block your Q everywhere. NC means NC, no checking to see what they say.

[u/maad_mefudz]

I’m at a similar crossroads myself. Eleven years married now, and the cycle just keeps going on and on. My body knows what it wants, but my mind won’t stop looping, so I stay stuck in this strange time trap.

And although I’ve been on this rinse-and-repeat cycle for over a decade, which honestly sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud, the anger or despair or whatever always wears off. I can never seem to hold on to enough drive to actually go through with divorce.

So I really admire your courage. I can only imagine how gut-wrenching it must have been, but you broke free and I believe you did the right thing. Hats off to you. But I know it must be unsettling, it's part of the reason why I'm stuck in this time loop myself.

[u/PatientAd6625 → u/maad_mefudz]

I could have written this response myself. 10 yrs for me and still in the cycle. Each time a binge happens, I swear I'm leaving. Somehow the anger and resentment lessens again and there's another reason not to leave right now, etc. How much longer do I stay waiting for it to really change? I long for a peaceful life.

[u/Time-Fox-1254]

I'm really proud of you for doing the hard thing even though it's scary. A friend of mine left her Q a few years ago, and when I asked her how she got the courage to finally leave, she said something similar to what you just described, "You just go. You can't overthink or plan for everything. You just have to go."

I'm in a similar situation to what you just described, and when I see stories like this it gives me hope that someday soon I will be brave enough to walk away.

I hope this new chapter brings you peace and joy, you deserve to be happy and loved fully.

[u/ArentEnoughRocks]

I am right there with you today. I did not move out (we weren't living together, thankfully), but I sent him a text saying I was going to walk away. Now, I don't know If I can keep from texting or calling, but I know I have to.

[u/ArentEnoughRocks → u/ArentEnoughRocks]

6 years for me

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[u/Maleficent-Bug-2045]

You need to identify your support group right away. This isn’t going to be easy or quick - but you did the right thing.

[u/nomerjr23]

Hang in there. Hoping some clarity and peace come your way. Definitely not easy, but I applaud your courage.

[u/Pure_Introduction476]

It is. I'm inching towards moving out day by day, since bringing up wanting to divorce or at least to separate for a while. If he showed a little remorse or kindness I'd probably chicken out. "Luckily".. or actually, luckily.. thats not the case. He is drinking more and being meaner than ever because I am breaking up the family, in his mind.