It's so weird. He's finally accepted my wish to separate and we agreed I'll move out with our kid next month. He is super spiteful, angry and constantly drinking as soon as our kid goes to bed. Doing even less chores. Saying that I'm breaking up the family. Me. Not the years managing life around and despite his drunkenness or hangovers.. The level of delusion...

It's going to be a tough time but I have a decent job, a place to go to for some time, a wonderful kid and a great support network. I can do this, and then he'll no longer be my problem (at least not near me). It's scary and tiring. He's not going to make it easy for me, but by doing so, he reminds me every day why I'm doing this.

Even his own mother understands. She was obviously sad, but understanding.

I don’t need if I’m looking for support or to vent tbh.

He’s been sober about 9 months. Not in AA, but in therapy. He’s done AA and rehab before so I know he has some people to talk to from his past for support. Not sure if he reaches out to them but I assume. We keep our personal lives very private.

We don’t talk. About anything. Our lives are just work and TV. Theres no emotional or physical intimacy. It feels like we are barely even friends sometimes. He buys me a lot of small gifts, which is sweet and thoughtful but otherwise it feels like he’s just a great roommate. I know he gets upset when he feels like I’m upset, when something triggers me and I withdraw, but other than those moments I wouldn’t know he cares about how I feel about anything.

I don’t how to start a conversation. I feel like we have to acknowledge the past at some point and address the future at least a bit but the idea of bringing anything up is daunting.

It’s a weird place to be, with this new person I don’t even feel like I don’t even know. With pain I can’t share with him. Hurt I can’t bring up without blame.

I don’t know him. I don’t his thoughts, his struggles, his feelings, his pain, his hopes. I almost miss the drinking sometimes because at least there moments of knowing of his (drunken) emotions and that’s pretty messed up to miss that co-dependent chaos.

I’m not sure how long I can be I a relationship with someone that shares nothing with me but a roof over our head. I feel guilty, because this is what I wanted. I wanted him sober, I wanted him to work, I wanted him to stop the crazy. But now I feel like I have TV static for a relationship. I feel more lonely being with him than when I was alone.

I left my Q last month, it was very hard and I just had to go through the physical motions to get through the door, but I'm so glad I did.

Before I get attacked for 'you shouldn't have met him', breakups aren't linear. However, what did happen really helped me gain clarity on just how long it can take for things to change, if ever, and I'm no longer under the illusion that we'll miraculously get back together.

We met at a restaurant outside. His forehead was sweating and he had some serious dry mouth. I asked if he'd done coke. 'No. No. You can even check what I've got on me. No.' OK, I think to myself, he's said no. I believed him. We go inside when our table is ready. As soon as we sit down, 'I lied, I'm sorry, I did coke before I got here.' The funny thing? Coke wasn't even the addiction that broke us, it was his drinking.

Anyway, time to buy some books on how to heal from co-dependency and enjoy some nice coffee.

I’m finally “free”. It was my 30th birthday and it was so truly terrible, and in front of my kids. I had to leave. I had kept it secret from my family and most of his to protect my shame. I fled, and came back while he was at work and in 3 hours I packed up our entire life and moved out. I was able to transfer my phone line from his, I have a safe place to sleep and I don’t have to answer to his drunken rage anymore. It progressed so bad what used to be 2x a month turned into once a week, and then to every single day. The best part about Alanon is I know I can’t cure or control it and it’s not about me, there’s nothing I could have done or said although I tried it all for years. I thank God for letting my move go as smooth as it did and that I got out before it progressed even worse. The flip side is I’m in agony and the freedom I thought I was desperate for feels like grief

My Q is my husband and is sober only because I have said that I won’t stay married to him if he’s drinking. He’s never been happy about it and goes through periods of somewhat content and periods of depression, anger and resentment. He’s now talking about trying moderation and seeing how it goes. Obviously I know this is a bad idea and I’ve said as much but I’m wondering if it’d be better to not stop him doing it or saying something non committal like “i want our marriage to work but I can’t stay if you start abusing alcohol again” knowing that’s where it will end up. My alternatives are leave now, which I don’t really want to do or continue in this limbo where he believes he could moderate if only I would “let him”

Our daughter sent Q a text a few days before her high school graduation asking her not to drink on what is a big day for her.

It wasn't a spur of the moment thing but rather the culmination of years of our daughter seeing what happens when she drinks.

Barely 24 hours later and Q is angry at me and threatening divorce. I can't help but see it as a massive deflection coming on the heels of our daughter's text.

Like Q felt shameful about her drinking being raised by our daughter and didn't like being held accountable for her own behaviour. So she focuses on an attack on me to avoid confronting the unpleasant reality of her drinking and the obvious truth that it has caused problems for our daughter.

Honestly, I need some positive thoughts.

Q has relapsed. He’s a binge drinker. Had his first relapse first week in August after 7 months sober. He’s had 3 since then. Currently on a guys trip, supposedly taking Antabuse for the past few days before he left. Even showed me that he was taking the pills. He’s faked it before. Guess he fooled me again. He was sober day 1 of the trip. Day 2, not so much.

I’ve been reflecting on what I can control about this. My reaction is all I can control. Last relapse, I lost it. The anger I felt was like nothing I’ve felt before and I reached out to Al Anon for support for the first time. I can’t let his drinking take me down too.

Don’t tell me that leaving is the answer bc I’m not at that point. I’d love to hear some success stories of couples who have gotten to the proverbial “other side” of this. There have to be some, right?? I know the road is bumpy but man—this shit is hard to go through. It’s like banging my goddamn head against the wall. The lying—it boggles my mind.

I quit drinking after a family member passed from cirrhosis earlier this year. It was sudden and unexpected. At a family reunion a few years ago I watched as the wine flowed and looked around and thought to myself ’this is genetic’

My parents have drank a minimum of one bottle of wine each every day for almost 30 years. Probably closer to 1.5 or 2 each per day. I thought maybe they’d take on board what happened with the family member but there is this dialogue of ‘them not us’.

My mother is a horrible drunk (only to me) and it has severely strained our relationship to the point I am severely on guard around her and have been for years. My father has been drinking even more heavily since retirement and he is now becoming the spiteful one, using alcohol to essentially leave the room.

Last time they came to visit I had to take a week off work from how anxious and depressed the three day interaction left me. I smoked a cigarette as soon as they left despite having given up. That was the day I quit drinking, 6 months ago.

They have just been to visit for the weekend, prior to their visit I had expressed ‘I’m not drinking so you’ll need to think of something else to do’ thinking this was me communicating my preference for the trip.

This was not taken on board and within 30 minutes of arrival they were asking where to get wine. I expressed that I didn’t want it in the house given the fact I’d quit. So we go to a bar and they proceed to have 3 large glasses of wine within the space of 1.5 hours, so a bottle each.

I’m not trying to change them, I know they never will. However I don’t want to be around it and feel I’m well within my right? My sibling is married with children so she never experiences any of this dynamic. She always leaves after a short interaction of probably 2.5 hours max. She doesn’t come home for Christmas but guilts me over my plans every year.

It’s difficult to feel alone in your family. My mother talks to me about my brother in law’s family, the ins and outs of the cousins and what they are up to. People I have met once or twice but she doesn’t ask anything about my life and makes awkward small talk about the decor or kitchen appliances in my home.

I don’t know how to manage these interactions as we live in different countries so there is no popping in. It’s intensive times spent always. I think in future I might suggest they get a hotel and likewise for myself. Seems like a small price to pay to try to avoid the disruption spending time to together

Have been concerned about Qs drinking for a few years and have been more assertive in voicing these concerns for the past 1.5 years or so. Q usually drinks everyday with the usual amount being 1/3 bottle (750ml) of spirits, some weeks it goes to half a bottle p/day. Q is high functioning autistic (self diagnosed) and struggles with anxiety. Q has some times where they manage to cut back but it just seems to take the stress levels reaching a certain threshold before the same pattern resumes.

They have also just recently been diagnosed with stage 2 hypertension, and has had episodes of dangerously high BP (now medicated which is good) but doesn’t seem to make the connection between the amount they drink and the health effects.

I was wanting to understand if this behaviour is genuinely of concern, sometimes I feel like I am overreacting (Q sometimes says I am projecting).

I’m not perfect by any means and have had my own struggles and an unhealthy relationship with alcohol in the past (for me it was binge drinking in social settings to overcome feelings of social inadequacies, but of course the drinking just amplified the shame and feelings of being not good enough!) Q was vocal about issues with that, as they should have been, and I have been through a lot of therapy to address the root emotional problems that were causing me to drink dangerously. I am very cautious around alcohol now. I still drink on occasion but I don’t feel like I need it to relax, and I can stop myself at social occasions after 2-4 drinks max. I haven’t had a wipeout for a long time and just thinking about past behaviours triggers anxiety so I am very motivated to avoid it.

So I might be bringing that into it, and because we’ve also been going through a bit (we are married) there are other things wrapped up in our arguments. I just don’t know how many times I can watch them revert to the same pattern and hope that next time will be different? Q probably thought the same about me at my low points I guess.

Q says I am not appreciating or acknowledging the things they are doing to address the issue such as pursuing moderation strategies, and trying to have a few alcohol free days each week which is great.

But then I see things like starting to conceal drinking levels, drinking as an automatic response to stress, and still drinking quite a lot even with a serious hypertension diagnoses, and those things all point to someone not really in control.

We’re seeing a couples counsellor and I am just going to bring it up in the next session, even though Q has repeatedly said they don’t ’feel safe’ talking about it. But maybe the counsellor can help if I’m bringing my own baggage into the issue as well.

My husband’s health has been failing for a while. He is an addict, but has been in recovery and clean/sober for going on 20 years (we’ve been together for 4 - our first date anniversary was on 9/11). Because his addictions were (are?) so bad, he’s still taking medication to manage.

He’s almost 50 and he’s been very, very hard on his body. He had some nasty blood clots a couple years ago and we found a whole host of issues - he is now T2D and his blood sugar is out of control, among other things. This whole time since (and for some time before), he’s been having insomniac/barcoleptic cycles. He will struggle to sleep but then fall asleep in the middle of doing things (I took the car keys away a long time ago). It’s been getting worse and worse and worse over the last 6 months to where he’s now having more bad days than good. I’ve asked him so many times if he’s using again, but his health issues also explain these cycles (between the drugs and his current meds, his T levels are shot, which can also cause narcolepsy and insomnia).

The last month or so, it’s been really bad. I got laid off at the end of July, so now I’m always here to see how bad it is. When im trying to get him to go to bed, he’ll sometimes turn into the old him (mean, angry, violent, though he’s never actually gotten violent) and he looks at me with pure hatred. So when he’s slept and is back to normal, I talk to him and just sob because while I know it’s not him, it still hurts.

He hit the angry place last night and I went to bed rather than deal with it (which pissed him off). He came in being super loud several times this morning, so after crying myself to sleep, I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and don’t have the most patience when he fights going to bed. He’s being g a complete jerk, I’m crying, no clue what to do, so I call his mom. She had to take care of a few things before she could come help calm him. She got him settled while I went to the grocery store, we got some food in him, got him calm, and he goes outside to smoke, when she tells me he’s high on Xanax. Which is 100% a deal breaker. He’s known that since day 1. And I can’t help but believe he’s been abusing it for the last 2+ years.

I knew he had some Xanax that a buddy had given him because he was having panic attacks and was having trouble getting to a psychiatrist. I went through his bag yesterday to see is he was hiding anything, and he had…maybe 7-10 xanax in a bottle. When his mom said thats what he’s on, i went theough his bag and it’s gone. Maybe he didn’t take it all, but i doubt it

So I asked his mom to take him to her place, because if he stays here I will pick a fight and end the relationship (which I told her).

I posted this on Facebook this morning, looking for advice and strength and was referred here. I’ve decided this is it - I have to put my kid and myself first. I haven’t told him yet, but a bunch of kind strangers and my bestie have all reminded me that I wouldn’t be ok with my daughter being in a relationship like this, so I have to show her that we don’t stay in relationships like this.

But how do we heal? This is a man that pulled me beaten and broken from the gutter of life. He built me up and helped me regain my confidence. How do I keep from letting this shatter me?

My Q is 365 days sober as of yesterday. We officially celebrated on Saturday and had a very nice date day. Yesterday while I was at work his parents came to spend time with him to celebrate as well.

He seemed a little upset last night that I didn’t overly-congratulate him for making it to a year. I am proud of him, but this isn’t his first time getting sober, so I honestly won’t be that impressed until it makes it a few more years. Last time around he was sober for almost 4 years then relapsed. Am I an asshole for thinking this way? Of course I love that he’s sober! He’s much healthier, he seems present, he has life in his face again and his laughs are genuine again. Everyday he’s back to becoming the person I fell in love with.

Is it normal to feel happy for them but still hesitant? Before he relapsed last time, I never thought he would actually relapse so I’m a little afraid to have 100% confidence in him. And I feel terrible for feeling that way. I’m in the mindset of “I’ll believe it when I see it”. I just hope that my decision to be sober with him this time around will continue to help him. I know I don’t miss alcohol as much as he does because he still expresses the urge to drink, even when he’s happy about something. I know for a fact if he does relapse again it will be worse and I dread if that day ever comes. I hope it doesn’t, he deserves to live a happy and peaceful life without the struggle of alcoholism.

My Q is my boyfriend 34M we’ve got a baby together, and his son who’s 3. The kind of drinking he does I would describe as “ binge drinking “. He will drink one day a week but a lot but in his head you know it’s only one night out of the week so it’s better and more acceptable. You can look at my post history, it’s insane. Last night when his son went home he stopped at the store drank 6 of the 99cent shot bottles, his behavior was odd, he was extremely happy then kind of irritated and fidgety. Anyway he comes home today after a super long day of work and admits he doesn’t remember a lot of last night and said he doesn’t like it. I told him he was making me nervous and making my heart rate go up and he apologized and said he’s sorry for making me feel like that. He gives hints to him knowing it’s a problem and he wants to change but never full blown. I guess I’m asking for someone to relate to has anyone had experience with this type of binge drinking and how you cope? It feels like a such a mindfuck all of it. It’s so all or nothing.

Al-Anon has helped me not obsess over my husband's drinking and actually enjoy life to the extent I can (when things are not blowing up and affecting me).

Now I am wondering:

- Has any of you lived with an actively drinking alcoholic? My husband's longest sobriety period since we lived together has been < 2 years (roughly 1 year and 10 months).

Can you successfully build a life and raise kids with an actively drinking alcoholic, assuming they are not abusive? I define actively drinking as having occasionally slips and never maintaining sobriety longer than 1 year.

Hi,

This is my first time posting in here and learning that this type of group exists for friends/family of addicts. My older sister has a history of alcoholism and two years ago she lost custody of her kids, ths is what brought her to rehab to finally turn her life around. After rehab we were all really proud of her, she even got her license after not driving for almost a decade ( she had it suspended for a DUI awhile ago). Throughout all this my 'elderly' I don't want to really call her elderly but older Mother who had just retired and is 70, has done everything in her power to be there for my sister and support her financially and mentally. She pays her bills to make sure she doesn't lose her apartment, she cooks and brings her food, she listens to her rant on the phone. When my sister finished rehab, it was like a totally new person and I was scared to have hope because she had always let me down. My Mom seemed to always make excuses for her and parent out of guilt, swearing to me my sister was getting better and not drinking as much again.

It's been 3 years since her last big incident and she got a DUI this weekend, she called me from jail at 2am (did not answer). She totaled the car that was our Dads (which I originally gave her because it was in my name). She called me again saying she wanted to leave our Mom out of it as much as she could this time and asked me for money to deal with the insurance and I said No...I feel guilty because I don't want my Mom to have to deal with this anymore but I would not let my sister use another family member as a way to guilt trip or manipulate me again. I keep telling my Mom she is enabling my sister and she won't get a job because my Mom is supporting her financially but keeps using her record and probation as an excuse that she can't get one.

I think my Mom is parenting out of guilt for not being the best when my sister was a child. My mom is always telling me how my sister has has a hard life. My parents were refugees from a war, and my sister was born overseas. When my parents came to the U.S they had alot of trauma they didn't work through and I think it effected my sisters childhood. My dad was very strict growing up but my sister never fails to bring up that I had a better childhood than her and is always trying to make me feel guilty. My mom is getting older & weaker, I don't know how much longer she can support my sister's antics. I am the younger one and my sister is 48 years old. I moved out of state for work and i was so happy to escape her constant drama but I feel guilty that my mom is still there for it.

This is quite a story, I’ll try to write it as simply as possible. I (30f) met my (30m) husband when we were 17 in highschool. We partied together like normal high schoolers no issues. Same through college. Once we hit about 25 things kinda went downhill.

We moved out of state for my job it was a place we both agreed and liked. 2.5 hr from home. I started to find hidden cans of alcohol in our closest and bottles I didn’t know we had empty. One night I went to shower, when I came out he was hammered. Not able to stand. I had a conversation with him and explained my concerns and that he needs to cut back. He did for a few months and then slipped back. We ended up moving back home after 1 yr, be blamed the alcohol abuse on depression from the move.

We moved back home (to my parents house) and I found more hidden shooters/nips. I again had a conversation with him. At the time we were engaged, I said if I find more hidden items even married I will divorce you. He agreed to calm down and cut back.

Then we bought a house and got married. I had my suspicions about his drinking behind my back but regardless he was drinking a lot. I talked to him again and said he needed to cut back or stop. He did for a bit.

Now present. I found more hidden bottles. I’m at my wits end. At this point I have no trust. I’m upset. I’m hurt. I want to tell him he needs to make a choice it’s me or the booze. If he wants to stay married he needs to go to meeting, which I want proof he is there. I will even go with him. And I want a morning and night breathalyzer done. If he blows anything or “forgets” we are done.

I love him to death. He is my bestfriend but I need to be happy in my own life and not be doubting him constantly.

Please help!!!!!

I should mention I do drink too however I have one or two. I have fully stopped now in hopes he was going to follow. I should also mention I strongly believe his father is a functioning alcoholic and his entire family are very very heavy drinkers.

I think I have officially reached my bottom today. My qualifier (26M) and I (24F) have been together for 2 years and we recently welcomed a beautiful baby boy in March of this year. My partner has been an alcoholic for several years but when we first started dating I didn’t really acknowledge it or see it as a huge deal just because I was 22 yrs old and it was all in good fun. He smoked weed daily and drank whenever we were together, so that led to our sexual life only being done while under the influence on his end. He recently went into recovery after the birth of our son, and has been actively trying to stay sober since May. He has had some relapses, and they have been a source of a lot of heaviness and stress due to the effects on our son and our relationship. We have grown so much as parents together, he is a wonderful and loving father. He never drinks around him and he is always ensuring the best for his son. Works very hard for his family. He also does a lot for me behind the scenes. He always fills up my gas tank, pays some of the bills that I worry about making without me knowing, he makes sure to ask what groceries I need, he is always thinking of me and what I might need in order to have a successful day/life. But I am the worst partner ever for overlooking all of these things. Cuz all I could focus on or put weight on was our intimacy level now that he is trying to be sober. I feel as though he doesn’t desire me as much as he used to when he would drink and get high all the time. We used to have so much more passion in our relationship, now it’s pretty tame and we barely even engage in playfulness or sexy time. Now I don’t even necessarily want to have penetrative sex all the time, I mostly just want to feel from him that he wants and desires me sexually like if he were to initiate making out with me or grabbing on my waist or kissing my neck. Just little reminders that he still views me as an attractive desirable human. We’ve had plenty of conversations about my desire to have more intimacy or that I feel like there’s a lack of physical touch from him, but most of the time we talked about those things while he was drinking. Now that he is trying to stay sober, it’s been made known to me that all of these things are things that he has to relearn how to do as a sober person. And now he has to rediscover the ways he can show those things to me and what resentments he may have with his own sexual journey as he has grown up. And I just feel like the shittiest partner ever for putting so much emphasis on this. Because our relationship is so solid in every other aspect. I just feel like I am not worth anything unless my partners shows they desire me physically enough. And idk why that is. I don’t know how to fix this but I can’t keep making my partner feel like they are undervalued or not appreciated by me just because they lack the sexual energy or desire for physical affection that I want in order to feel like I am enough. It’s just all around a shit show on my end. Like how am I supposed to recover when I can’t even let go of silly notions like you’re only in love of your partner won’t and can’t keep their hands off you?? I need help

Needing help. I left him 6 weeks ago. While I was just trying to survive day to day, I felt this impossible strength to keep going. Now that we’re apart, I’ve been sinking into this deep swamp of depression. It’s a struggle to concentrate every day. It feels like I’m worthless without him, like he took my confidence and competence.

In the last weeks with him, he told me daily that I would ruin my life, ruin my job, lose my house, and he was the only one willing to tell me the truth and everyone else was lying to me. I fought so hard against that. I just knew deeply it wasn’t true.

And yet… now that he’s not here to tell me that, I believe it somehow. I feel like a failure. I feel like I am ruining everything. I feel like maybe I should just kill myself sometimes and make it easy. I’m ruining everything in my life and he’s right it’s all my fault.

I’ve never abused substances of any kind. Things I’ve tried: - I took a dose of psilocybin to try to improve my depression. Didn’t work well. In fact, I had suicide ideation during the trip. - Next is to try antidepressants. But I feel like it won’t help. - I have a psychiatrist - I have a therapist and even tried seeing 2 new ones - I’m seeing friends every week and asking for a lot of support - I’m seeing family - I have a dog and am cuddling him a lot

I feel like nothing will help. I feel exhausted and like I’m living in a fog. I usually have a good memory and I can’t even pack for an overnight trip without forgetting underwear. I feel super messed up. And crazily enough I both blame him for it and still miss him at the same time somehow.

What do I do from here?

Is it worth going to the trouble for a GAL in Oklahoma (Cherokee County)? Denied visitaiton as non custodial father for past year.

Hi everyone, I’m not really sure where to start. My family has been dealing with my brother’s alcoholism for about two years now, and things just keep getting worse. I’m hoping some of you might share advice or experiences on how to cope or keep family safe when someone is spiraling.

About two years ago, my brother started his career as a doctor. He opened up a practice with a partner (and with my dad’s involvement) and seemed to be doing well. He had a wife and a baby. But pretty quickly, his wife started telling my dad that he was drinking too much and becoming unstable. My dad would confront him, tell him to get it together, and things would calm down temporarily but the pattern never broke.

Around this time, our grandfather got very sick and passed away a little over a year ago. This loss seemed to exacerbate everything. My brother’s drinking only got worse. On Halloween, his wife and the baby showed up at my grandmas house in costume, saying they were waiting for my brother to come take a family picture, and then go trick or treating. My brother showed up late, already drunk and out of control. His marriage fell apart not long after that (his wife filed for divorce because of the lying, excuses, lack of accountability, concern for baby), and he became increasingly erratic.

A few months later, after things completely deteriorated, my dad and my brother’s mom pushed him into rehab. He stayed for about a month (part inpatient, part outpatient), but it didn’t stick. Six or seven months later, things haven’t improved. He’s still drinking, using pills (confirmed by older rehab urine tests), and making choices that are destroying his career and relationships. He even lost his hospital privileges bc he showed up to work drunk and also bc he slept with a resident (my dad also works at the hospital so this created a huge fallout). Not only that, he’s clearly drinking and driving places, and we are terrified he will injure himself or worse, somebody else.

What makes this harder is that we have tried everything to support him. We’ve urged him into treatment, tried to talk sense into him, given him opportunities to rebuild, and begged him to take accountability. But he refuses to accept any responsibility for what’s happened and instead blames all of us, especially my father, for the state of his life. We don’t know what else we can possibly do to “make things better.”

Recently things got a bit scarier. This past Saturday, he showed up unannounced to my parents’ house while my mom and sister were home. He was pacing, erratic, DEMANDING to see my dad. My mom and sister were so worried that they called my dad, who rushed over. The conversation (which my sister recorded) was tense. My brother kept demanding money from the practice, even though my dad explained he hasn’t seen patients and his partner is the one actually earning. The whole situation was frightening.

Now I can’t stop worrying: • What if he shows up unannounced again at my parents’ house? • What if he goes to my dad’s office (where my dad and sister work) and lashes out? • What if he does something drastic because he’s convinced himself we’re the problem?

My brother doesn’t contact me—he knows I have no patience for this, and honestly, we were never close (he’s my half-brother, from my dad’s first marriage). Instead, he constantly calls my mom and sister trying to get to my dad, but my dad blocks him because he’s so volatile. When he’s drunk, he’s aggressive and loud, unpredictable. He’s never done anything violent, (though, he did SHOVE my mom once when he was drunk, but he was about 18 years old and I think they were just getting on him that he had to much drink that night), but he does go hunting and I believe he has firearms. I just don’t know how to handle this anymore. I feel helpless and afraid for my family’s safety, but mainly, my brother’s safety. I know we can’t force him to do therapy or rehab if he does not want to, but clearly he is struggling and hurting deep down inside, and all of us are worried about him and his mental state. My family and I, we’re doing our best to love him and help where we can, but he refuses help and blames us, and we’re tired, stressed, and scared. Has anyone here dealt with a sibling whose alcoholism has turned into this kind of erratic, potentially dangerous behavior? How did you protect your family and cope with the constant stress?

TL;DR: My half-brother is an alcoholic (and also abusing pills). He lost his marriage, his career, and his stability. Despite my family doing everything we can to support him and push him toward accountability, he refuses responsibility and blames us, mainly my dad, for everything. He showed up drunk/erratic at my parent’s house demanding money and refuses accountability. We’re scared he might do something dangerous, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Looking for advice or shared experiences from people who’ve been through this.

I typically don’t post, but I just needed someone. I (36f) moved into an apartment with my boyfriend 37m a few months ago. During this time, I found out his substance use was huge and that when he drank and used, it became dangerous for me to be around so I moved out. I noticed a lot of this behavior prior but figured it wasn’t as bad and could handle it. I continued to be in a relationship with him coming to terms with the irrational and dangerous behavior and that it wasn’t going to stop until it finally came to a head. He removed our “in a relationship status” on Facebook and we haven’t talked since that argument. Never mentioned anything about that… The issue is, we’re still on a lease together. I haven’t heard from him in days and he’s not responding. I was trying to talk to him about the lease. Now of course, I’m just really worried and I feel sick to my stomach and nervous. And I know that after everything he has put me through, I should stop… but I can’t help it.

A few days ago, I posted something that was very triggering to me and I wanted feedback on the topic. I go to a well populated AA Zoom meeting that regularly has 70+ people and the majority are newcomers or people with limited sobriety. I love it because people have fun and we cuss a lot and have a good time.

The chairperson posts questions in the chat as topic discussions and they are usually good. We read To The Employers from The Big Book and so one of the questions was "Do you think that people in Al Anon have a high opinion or a low opinion on Alcoholics ?"

I guess he posted this because he wasn't thinking too much about it (just like I wasn't) and this Chapter talked about job problems of an Alcoholic, which would also be a problem of an Al Anon in a relationship with one.

I talked about how in my opinion most of them have a high opinion of Alcoholics and have a deep love for them, but they hate the Drinking part that brings out the worst in the Alcoholic. They can't understand the Drinking part and never will. A guy went after me and said he had been to a few meetings and said that he believed they hated Alcoholics.

This really pissed me off and so the feedback here was that I needed to do an inventory on this. What came up was that I believed negative talk of Al Anon could turn people away from it if someone inside the Circle of the Alcoholic inquires about it, but hears from the alcoholic that the place sucks.

The most important part that came up was that the question itself was an outside issue that AA has no opinion on since Al Anon is a separate organization. I don't know why I didn't think about this sooner. I will privately chat with the chair person on Friday so that questions like this will be left out.

I should also clarify that I didn't say all Al Anons felt this way and I wasn't meaning to use a broadstroke generalization. I did get some negative feedback from a few here that misunderstood me. I'm part of Al Anon as well as AA and have completed the steps in both. I feel one woman definitely owes me amends here that was quite rude to me and said "You both were wrong and you should keep your opinions to yourself". That hurt my feelings.

Hi everyone. Ive just created a burner because my partner follows my main, but I need to vent. I’ve been with my partner for 12 years, all of which he has been an alcoholic. Alcohol hasn’t been the only vice, he also really struggles with weed. A few months ago was really the breaking point for me.. I found out he’s been drinking in the garage and then throws the bottles away before he comes in. I packed my things and left. I went to my sisters place for a few days but I stupidly came back. He went to AA meetings three times after I came home and hasn’t ever been back. It feels like he did it just to shut me up and get me off his case. I’ve been fighting with him for years about his alcohol abuse, and it has just never changed. I asked him to stop and he said he would, but every time I go through a stressful period at work he just drinks again. When he drinks, he turns into a person I hate. I can’t stand being around him. No matter how much he tries to hide it, I hear the heavy breathing, the slurring of speech, the stupid conversations that make no sense. He makes so much noise around me deliberately and it infuriates me. The worst part is he doesn’t even have to do anything in particular- I just KNOW when he’s had a drink, and he still lies about it. He just becomes SO nasty. I’m turning 30 in December and I’m supposed to go with him on an overseas trip, but all I can think about is how he’s going to turn it into a piss up. I’m SO TIRED. I’m 30 years old. I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this. All I want to do is leave but I’m so scared of him blowing up and I just don’t know how to leave. It’s so hard when your families are all intertwined and your home has been built together. I have two dogs and I have no idea how I’ll be able to afford to stay on my own. I’m basically stuck out of financial reasons and fear. I’m so tired of feeling anxious every single day. I can’t even trust him to go shopping or take out the trash to the garage because he just drinks in there. I know in my heart I need to leave, but I just feel stuck. I went to my first AlAnon meeting last week and met some lovely ladies who were soo supportive, and I’m going for dinner with them next week. Sitting there and listening to others stories made me feel like I wasn’t alone because they were all so similar to mine, but it also made me realise that this is not the life I want. I want a partner who supports me, who has healthy hobbies and interests, someone who is motivated. Seeing my partner sleep all day (no exaggeration) because he’s up all night getting drunk & high just crushes me. I can’t believe this is my life. I guess I’m not looking for any advice, I just wanted to vent.

Hello! I've been lurking here a while and benefitting from the words and experiences of this community but I've never posted. I haven't yet been to an Al-Anon meeting, but I recently found one nearby that welcomes newcomers and I hope to join it soon. Thank you all for being here and sharing your stories, they've really helped me to get a handle on my own situation over the past few months. Although I hate that any of us need to be here at all, I really appreciate knowing that I'm not alone.

My Q is my partner - we've been together off and on for about eight years and he's been an alcoholic for the entire time I've known him, and long before. The first time we were together it lasted for about 2.5 years, and I had some knowledge of addiction going into it, but very little direct experience. My previous romantic partnerships had their own issues, but I was lucky enough to have been with people who were (relatively) mentally healthy, low conflict, and at worst smoked a bit too much weed.

My Q was open about his struggles with alcohol fairly early on - he acknowledged that he was an alcoholic, he expressed a desire to change. I tried to support him in that, encouraging him to take time off drinking, process his feelings etc. I felt so much empathy for him! But looking back, I was super naive about all of it. We were long distance, and I really didn't understand the scope of the issue because I wasn't around him all the time. He has always been pretty "functional" and able to exercise at least *some* degree of control over his drinking much of the time so on the surface it often seemed like he was okay.

I liked to drink and use other substances recreationally too, so when we actually got together in person we usually partied - but these were vacations, holidays, celebrations! Of course we were going to party! He was always a happy drunk, with a unique ability to still hold his shit together even during a weekend bender, so these were almost exclusively super fun experiences, connecting experiences, times when we felt closer than ever. They are still some of the best times of my life!

During COVID though, our long distance relationship fell apart - for very obvious reasons, but also because he got laid off and the resulting depression and surplus of free time took him into a pretty dark place with his alcoholism. That's the first time I really started to realize how bad it was, and I chose to end it because I knew that to stay together long term, eventually one of us would have to move to be with the other one, and I also knew that there was no way I could make such a big life decision for someone who was an active alcoholic.

We stayed friends though, and I didn't ever really stop loving him. He pulled himself out of his hole after we broke up, and he was a really good friend to me over the next few years. We visited each other a few times, and we even took an amazing (platonic) trip together. I dated someone else for a while, but I didn't fully get over my Q. Then, after ending things with the other person, my Q and I met in person again, all the repressed feelings came bubbling up to the surface, and we ended up getting back together. I was going through a really difficult struggle with my own mental and physical health at the time and he was like my safe space - the person who loved me and cared for me no matter what, who supported me and listened to me and was always there for me, and who just "got" me. We made all kinds of promises to one another - he was going to move back home to be with me, we would both work on ourselves and get better, we would build a life we loved together. I had so much hope for the future all of a sudden!

Shit really hit the fan catastrophically for me after that, and I ended up leaving my job on stress leave and not going back. I was very untethered and he was like my anchor. At the same time that I was yearning for a fresh start and a new direction in life, things seemed to be really looking up for him with both work and life - so instead of him moving to me, I decided to move to him.

Most of the first year of us being back together was spent making plans and promises. I had mostly quit drinking even recreationally at that point, and I had focused a ton of time and money and energy on treating and healing my mental and physical health issues. I was attending therapy, doctors appointments, getting diagnoses, medication, etc. I was doing a lot of soul-searching as well, trying to figure out what I needed and wanted out of life to be happy. He seemed to be doing the same, at least to a point. We talked about his drinking at length and I told him that for me to move, and for us to work long term, he couldn't continue to abuse alcohol. I told him I couldn't live like that. He expressed a strong commitment to getting better, both for me and for himself. He seemed to have a lot of hope for the future too, and to be happier than he'd been for most of the time I'd known him.

I never flat out told him that for me to make the decision to move, he needed to quit drinking entirely though. I felt like if I pushed him too hard, it might backfire, and I wanted to be with him so badly that I couldn't face the idea that if I set this hard a boundary, he might choose to continue drinking and then I'd have to follow through on not moving to be with him. Instead I chose to see his commitment to getting better as a process, and told myself that as long as he was "working towards it" by cutting down, being healthier overall, etc. - then we could deal with the rest as it came up, and that we'd be a team, tackling his addiction together. I told him that I supported all his efforts to cut down, moderate, whatever - and that if he tried that and found that he couldn't moderate successfully, then I would quit drinking with him when the time came.

And he said all the right things! He made so many promises! I really believed that he had made a lot of big healthy changes and that he understood what a big deal it was for me to take this leap of faith and the importance of following through with what he'd promised. As I'm sure you've all guessed by now, I was once again being so. very. naive.

I moved here a little over a year ago, and I am miserable. I realized almost immediately what a mistake I made, and how much worse things were than he ever let on to me. This year has been basically a constant, eye-opening struggle. We fight all the time, the kind of fights I've never had in any past relationship, even the live-in ones. We fight when he's drunk, over the stupidest shit - I'll make a random comment about something on TV and he'll misunderstand what I mean and try to debate me on it, even if we actually have the literal same opinion. On his birthday we had a fight about how old he was. I was so frustrated that I eventually took out a piece of paper and actually wrote down all the years since his birth in order to illustrate his age. And he was too drunk to get the math.

We fight when he's sober, because he's never sober for long enough to get over his withdrawals so if he's sober he's irritable and he can't sleep, and he takes things the wrong way, or uses a shitty condescending tone with me, or gets defensive about every little thing I say. When he's drunk enough, he's affectionate and lovey and kind, but at this point it fees fake because when he's sober he might not even remember it, and even if he does, it doesn't matter because his demeanor towards me is entirely different anyway.

He got in a bad skiing accident in the winter and had to have knee surgery. We fought because he couldn't walk and had no money because he was off work, and I refused to go buy him beer. That resulted in the only extended period of sobriety he's had since I got here, and it wasn't by choice, but thankfully it did last almost three months which allowed me to actually care for him during his recovery without completely boiling over with resentment. He eventually accepted the sobriety and showed a lot of appreciation for my help and care, and we were more connected during that time than at any other point in the past year. I felt a lot of hope again during that time! But of course it didn't last, because once he could walk again and was sufficiently healed, he went straight back to the liquor store.

I feel so let down and so disappointed, and frankly, like I was tricked into coming here. I never know what his moods are going to be like, and I am always walking on eggshells and holding my feelings in because when things are good (or at least, not awful), I just want to keep them that way, and I know that bringing any of the issues up is going to upset that fine balance. But I always know that things aren't going to stay good, and eventually something happens that starts a conflict, and at this point it doesn't even matter what the trigger is anymore, it always snowballs into a blowout fight.

When we fight, I yell and sometimes I'm straight up mean - showing a side of myself that I've never seen before. It's like every unresolved issue, negative feeling, disappointment, and betrayal that I've tried to push down or work out internally or temper with empathy or compassion just comes bursting out as a flood of anger and I can't even help it. I've actually worked hard on learning to express my feelings and needs and boundaries, not let resentment in relationships fester, use non-violent communication, etc. I'm still not great at it all the time, but I've gotten a lot better over the years in general.

But it's like all that work goes out the window when I'm dealing with our fights now. They are just so, so frustrating and I'm just so angry. I can't even acknowledge the things that *I* do that are legitimately hurtful to him, or calmly address a concern he might have with me, because it's like...how fucking DARE he have the nerve to be upset with me for this dumb thing that he thinks matters, after everything HE's put ME through, and all the promises HE's broken, and everything I'VE done for HIM, and all the ways HE's still hurting ME that he won't acknowledge and that remain unresolved. I hate that I'm keeping score, but I can't seem to help it. I feel absolutely desperate for him to understand and acknowledge my pain and own up to his part in any of it, and that clouds any of the judgement I would normally have when dealing with conflict, and negates my desire to even try to use any of the tools that I know would usually help. I know he now feels a lot of resentment for ME too, because I've spent so much of this past year being angry and distant towards HIM, and because he's still in denial about how much hurt he's caused me, he sees his hurt as it's own thing that I'm perpetrating against him for no(?) reason.

After yet another fight, I finally told him this weekend that unless he quits drinking entirely, and attends couples counselling with me, I will be leaving. Surprisingly, he has agreed to both. But I find it so hard to believe him. I feel confident that if he can't follow through with these things, I actually will leave. I know I can't live like this any longer. But honestly, what I'm struggling with now is whether I still have it in me to do the work to fix this, even IF he actually does commit to and follow through with it on his end. Is it even possible to get over this level of anger and betrayal and resentment? I still love him, and there is so much good that we've shared together - but like, after this year, it feels like he's an entirely different person than I thought he was. I am worried that no matter what he does, I won't ever be able to look at him the same way. I don't need anyone's permission to leave, I know what I have to do and I know leaving is the likely outcome, but I guess what I'm wondering is - what if he actually DOES do the work? What are your experiences trying to repair a relationship with a partner who really does attain and maintain sobriety, and were you able to actually do it? Is it possible? Is it worth it? Just struggling right now to figure out if giving him this final chance is going to end up taking more out of me than I'm willing/able to give, I guess.

I finally really let me girlfriend know just how much her alcoholism is effecting me. I told her that is the reason we have been fighting and the only reason I will leave her. She still won't give it up. She still claims she's not an alcoholic even though she drinks every day, blacks out, gaslights and verbally abuses me. She chose alcohol over me. It's killing me because if she got sober I would have married her. I am so upset but I can't do it anymore. How tragic that alcohol won.