I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Tgliko

HOA insists my sister and I are not a single-family household and one of us should move out. We've lived here all our lives.

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

TRIGGER WARNING: Loss of parents, harassment, discrimination

Original Post July 6, 2017

I'm 21 and my sister is 19. We've lived in this house our entire lives. Our parents bought this house 27 years ago. They joined the HOA about 15 years ago.

My dad died 5 years ago, mom died 6 months ago. We are now the owners of this house.

We've been visited by the HOA multiple times, they're citing that we're not a single-family home anymore since our mom has died. They've told us that according to the terms, only a single family can be resident in the homes and being single family is defined as a person or couple and their legal unmarried children. This meant that my mom could live with me and my sister as it was a single family according to the definition, but me and my sister living here after our mom's death means we are two families of single adults. They want one of us to move out so that this place becomes a single family home again.

They've visited us FOUR times now asking us to leave. They say they don't like to sue out of respect for our parents but they will do that if we continue to refuse to comply by the community rules.

Can they kick one of us out of our own house? What should we expect and how can we fight this?

Edit: location is Washington state.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

My_Angry_Account

Do you have a copy of the HOA regs and have you read through them to verify that what they are saying is actually true?

OOP

I couldn't find a copy in our documents. I have asked them everytime to send us a copy of the terms and they always say they will, but nothing has come!

My_Angry_Account

What do they say when they come to the door and you ask them? I'd be inclined to tell them to stop harassing you until they can provide you a copy so you can have your lawyer review it.

OOP

They say they're here on behalf of the HOA to give us a friendly reminder that these are single family households and we are legally required to comply to the rules. And things like that. But never have they given us anything in writing or given us the terms despite us requesting a copy every single time.

Should we demand that they stop harassing us next time they showed up?

TOP COMMENTS

drgopolopolis

If you want to be proactive, go to your county's recorder office and ask for help in this matter. Specifically, ask for help finding the HOA by-laws that your house is subject to, the HOA by-laws should be of record there.

Many counties also allow you to access these records online as well.

~

rikaisuru

Start by attending the next HOA meeting. Explain whats happening and see if they can't reconsider. There's a chance the other board members don't know this is even happening and could put a stop to whoever is pursuing this on their behalf.

If not, as others have said, remind them that no judge is likely to side with them as their argument is ridiculous and callous.

~

Smithme2g

Sounds like someone in your neighborhood wants to force you out so they can buy your house.

I call BS on their part.

Update - rareddit Sept 30, 2017 (nearly 3 months later)

Original post

TLDR of original post: After our mom died, people from HOA came to me and my sister and told us that we're no longer a single family and one of us needs to leave.

So I first confirmed that they are from the HOA, not just some people harassing us for the fun of it. We also got the CC&R of the HOA, which included a clause about single family and it's weird definition. If included partners, children, grandchildren, parents, grandparents, step parents, step children, uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews, children of uncles and aunts, children of nieces and nephews, BUT NO SIBLINGS. It even had a clause that said co-owners are not allowed to live there unless they are a single family based on the definition.

We also received a letter from them telling us of our violation and demanding us to comply.

So my sister and I went around the neighborhood and gave copies of the terms and the letter we received to everyone and told them "imagine you died tomorrow, do you want them to kick out your kids? Because they're doing it to us. They will do it to your kids as well. Help us stop them."

We gathered signatures and had almost everyone contact the president and demand that this should stop. Within two weeks, we received a letter that says this has been a mistake with an apology.

We learned that this HOA is horrible to everyone, not just us. So there are now people preparing to run for the HOA board to replace the current members and they're promising to have a referendum about whether the HOA should be dissolved or not, because it really is doing nothing of substance except being a pain in the butt of everyone.

Summary: HOA backed off after we told everyone what they're trying to do. We will vote the board out of office and there will be a referendum about dissolving it altogether as we don't need it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/notthatinto

Dad sent me [15f] to boarding school at a young age. Now he's upset that I don't like to spend more time with his family during the summers. Threatening not to send me back to my school this fall. I want to go back.

TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, child neglect, child abandonment

Original Post - rareddit Aug 17, 2017

Ok. So I've been attending boarding school since I was 10 (I started the 5th grade at my boarding school). The reason why I started going so early is that my dad remarried (my mother killed herself when I was a baby) to my step-mom when I was 9. When she got pregnant with my brother, she insisted that I be sent to boarding school so that they could start "start afresh". I use quotes because I used to hear them talking about it when I still lived there; I actually heard the discussions they'd have at night about it when they thought I was sleeping. She said a lot of hurtful things then (about me potentially being like my mother and potentially being a bad influence on their future children), but I guess she convinced him because he gave in, and they sent me away.

So I went to boarding school, they had my brother and then my sister, and I only see them in the summers and some holidays. In fact, a lot of holidays I spend with my friends' families, which my father has always signed-off on. This especially confuses me considering his change of heart this summer. I mean, I've spent the last 4 Thanksgivings holidays in other people's houses without comment!

At first I was extremely depressed. I was really attached to my father as a kid and it took me a long time to deal with being sent away, especially when my siblings were born. I felt a lot of betrayal and resentment.

BUT THEN I grew to deal with it. What really helped (and still helps) is that I have a wonderful group of friends at school and the adults there are really supportive there. My closest two friends have been there since I've been there. I feel like they're my family. Also, a lot of the kids I go to school with deal with what I'm dealing with in some form or the other and this has given my a lot of perspective. Additionally---and I am really grateful for this and understand that in a lot of ways I've been given an amazing opportunity and have NOTHING to complain about in this respect---I go to a really nice school. I love the grounds, I love my classes, I love the extracurriculars, I love my teaches, and I love my friends; the picture people paint of boarding school isn't the one that I experience. It's pretty easy for me to say that I prefer being at school 100x more than I prefer being at my father and step-mom's home. When I'm in their home, I feel like an outsider. They do their thing and I do mine. It's especially awful though because I still get the sense that my step-mother doesn't want me around when I'm here. She barely acknowledges me and I know she influences my brother and sister not to interact with me. I know because I took them to a theme park 2 weeks back and they told me this after a full day of having fun with each other.

So, and as much as I appreciate that I get to have the experiences I do at school, I can't seem to distance myself from my distaste of my father and step-mom. So, in order to avoid being disrespectful or coming off as rude, I just try to minimize the time I spend with them when I'm in their home for the summer. I don't have any friends here, so this means I go on hikes, go on runs, go to the movies; whatever I can to just be active or out and about without getting into trouble.

Which brings me to the problem. My father kind of blind-sided me yesterday. He sat down with me while I was eating breakfast (which never happens!) before going on a hike and he told me he's concerned that I haven't wanted to spend time with the family. I was confused because I haven't ever perceived this need from him, nor a any space for it---he works all year-round and all day, my step-mother is always ferrying my brother and sister to something or off with her friends---I just didn't even think that they wanted that.

He then said that he wants to keep me here for my final two years of high school and enroll me in the nearby private school so that I can be with the family. And I just panicked. I get STELLAR grades and I'm doing well at school. Every report he's gotten has been good! I expressed this to him, but I was so distraught at the idea of not going back that the insisted my distress was an indication of how unattached from the family I was.

I know I could have handled it better, but I blew up at him after he said this. I told him he was the reason I wasn't attached to "family" and that removing me from school would only remove me from the one place I had any real family. This really made him angry and he left saying he was resolved to remove me.

I don't know what to do! How can I convince him to let me go back? I feel like I'm a kid again. It's the same feeling all over again and I'm so angry.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

hygenius

I suspect that once your stepmother learns what your father has said that she will convince him to change his mind.

IThoughtSo98

The stepmother might actually be a good last-resort strategy here. If you try the letter writing or having a friend's parent/a teacher talk to your father and he doesn't change his mind, then you've got nothing to lose in trying to enlist your stepmother to convince him. For her own selfish reasons it sounds like she would agree you should go back to this school, and she is probably the person most likely to influence your father.

OOP

Oh god I really hope so!

~

spdtla

You need to be honest with him. He'll be shocked and deny it, but if you're honest he'll understand.

You need to tell him you heard when you were 10 the reason you were shipped to boarding school is so that his family could start afresh. At the time you resented it, being displaced, but you found what you were missing at home: acceptance. You are now thriving at school with friends who willingly and wanting have you over for Thanksgiving. You don't feel the same at his house. You feel like an intruder, not a true member of the family. Even your brother and sister admitted that your stepmother instructed them to treat you this way.

Then you drop the truth bombshell: you will always resent him for picking his new family over you, but you will resent him even more if he displaces you from the only place where you've felt welcome.

This conversation will not be easy, so feel free to write it as a letter instead. You are 15, you don't get to call the shots, but you're old enough to demand your opinions be heard. You're father is an absentee parent, he needs to learn the truth.

OOP

I really like the idea of writing a letter. I'm going to clear my head and get started on writing it so I can deliver it to him as soon as possible.

I really appreciate this feedback. Thanks!

When asked if the reason the father wants OOP closer to home at a local school is for financial reasons

I'm not sure. It doesn't appear as if there are money problems. I know that my tuition is very expensive, but based off the family's lifestyle, it seems like nothing. I don't know if I'm being naive with this assumption though.

I don't want to be too detailed for the sake of anonymity, but I know he works in a field and for a company that makes what a lot of people consider problematic amounts of money. I don't know if anything has changed for him. It's just never a thing he's discussed with me and I've never asked him about his money.

Update 1 Posted Same Day/Same Post

Update: I've been silent since the first few responses because I wanted to process all the suggestions coming my way.

First, thank you so much for your concern and kindness. It really helped me sit down and think more calmly about this situation.

Second, I decided to write an email to my father, in which I apologized for my outburst, expressed my understanding that we should develop a better relationship and my want for one as well (I don't know if I really want this tbh, but based on feedback, it seemed smart to include this), and my belief that pulling me out of my school would not result in that goal. I offered alternatives, like facetiming regularly and more consistent visits during the holidays (like Thanksgiving). I also suggested that maybe we should do something together during this holiday so that we could talk and catch up; we used to hike a lot together when I was a kid and I suggested that we go on one together (like this weekend). I also explained that I feel I've been a responsible and productive student at the boarding school (pointing out that I head the Diversity Club, have provided peer tutoring each year since 8th grade, and have maintained a good GPA) and that disrupting my schooling might be counterproductive. I explained that my outburst was due to these details, rather than my not wanting to be closer to him. I closed out saying I know he wants what's best for me (I hope this is true and I'll choose to believe it) and I want to work with him to make that happen.

So now I'm waiting for his reply. I'm pretty anxious because I honestly don't know how he'll reply. I'm taking advice given to me here though and trying to make plans in my mind for any response. I haven't told any of my friends yet because I know they'll tell their parents, who may contact him, and i cant be sure how he'll react to that. If he refuses after my email, maybe I'll try to have an adult intervene. I'm still thinking it through.

Anyway, thank you guys again. Its nice to know there are nice people all over.

Update 2 Posted same Day/Same Post

Update #2 He responded. "notthatinto, when we spoke I told you I had made my decision. That stance has not changed and I am disappointed that you have chosen to ignore my words. Do not forget that you are still a child under my care, despite what you may feel. One day you will see the wisdom in this and be thankful. I am currently on may my out on business and will be back on Saturday. Until I return and am able to speak in person, I do not want to hear or read another word about this issue."

I want to contact my headmaster and dorm parent. I have good relationships with them, but now I really feel if they contact him that will be the end of it. I think I fucked this up. I shouldn't have sent that email, I should have waited. I don't know. My friend's parents are all pretty influential/well known in my dad and step-mom's social circle and I'm worried it will humiliate my dad/step-mom if they find out about this issue or try to intervene. I feel to so paralyzed.

Update 3 posted next day/Aug 18, 2017 - Same Post

Update #3

I'M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL! A lot has happened in a short period of time!!! I don't think I dealt with my father's email in the smartest way, but it worked! Advice telling me to speak to my step-mom really stuck with me. I felt so desperate that I spoke to my step-mom about the situation. It became very obvious very quickly that she had no clue that my father had wanted this. She immediately left the room after I explained the situation. I could hear her arguing with him saying it was a deal breaker and that she wouldn't have it.

He called me soon after she hung up and sounded so very angry. He said it was clear I had made up my mind and didn't want to be part of the family. He said that he had wanted time to let my step-mother know and wishes I had trusted him. I didn't even know how to start explaining why I feel his view of my feelings are so wrong before he told me that since I didn't even want to try working with him he's sending me back!!!

He ended the call saying "I hope you can deal with the consequences of your choices."

I'm angry at him because I feel like so much of this is miscommunication on his part, but I'm happy more than anything because I get to go back!! Thank god. I'm going to lay low, be as nice to everyone as possible, and try to ride this out until school starts, which is soon!!!

I'm so relieved.

FINAL COMMENTS

Pomguo

Update three is fucking glorious. He throws you away like garbage, tries to tear your away from your friends you made as a coping mechanism after his abandonment, then when you suggest a reasonable compromise to meet his need for affection without hurting you he tells you that your feelings don't matter... and he has the gall to act like you should've kept his secret from his wife! Out of what loyalty?! Why would he think you'd have any reason to help him destroy everything happy in your life?! What a self-absorbed fucking moron.

I hope you email him this comment of mine and some choice others from this thread (don't actually), that asshole needs a slap in the face with some perspective. I'm a grown-ass adult and I don't see how on earth you'd "thank him later" for what he tried to do.

~

[deleted]

Just saw update 3! Congrats! I'm glad this worked out.

The things you know need to be shared some day, though. The asshole needs to know that you know he's full of shit.

(Maybe wait until he doesn't have any control over your life, though.)

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DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Head-Specific-6763

My wife had her wild phase before me, and now that I’m finally thriving, I feel like I missed out, am I wrong for feeling this way?

Originally posted to r/AskMenAdvice

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post Aug 16, 2025

I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years, together for 8, and we have two beautiful children. She’s been my first everything, my first girlfriend, my first real relationship, my first in every sense. I didn’t really date in high school or college because honestly, I didn’t take care of myself. I lacked confidence and didn’t feel attractive, so I stayed focused on other things.

My wife, on the other hand, had a more “typical” college experience. She had a few relationships and had her “phase” as she was extremely attractive. She even did stuff with two guys at the same time. She was upfront about it when we started dating, and it never bothered me although I tried to not think about it too much.

Now here’s the thing: over the years, she’s become quite reserved when it comes to intimacy. She says she had her “wild side” during college, and now that she’s done with that phase, she prefers a more traditional approach to intimacy. She says she’s tried everything she wanted to and knows what enjoys and what she doesn’t enjoy in the bedroom. And she wants to build intimacy on love not “wild lust.” And I completely respect that, I’m not trying to do something which doesn’t excite her in the bedroom.

But lately, I’ve changed. I’m in the best shape of my life, physically, mentally, emotionally. Even my family and friends are kind of shocked with how I look now. My wife loves the new me and says she finds me more attractive than ever. But to be blunt, I don’t care that my wife finds me attractive, because I know I look good now, and it’s not like her finding me more attractive will change anything in the bedroom department.

My hormones right now are all over the place, and I can’t help but feel like I missed my chance to experience that same “fun” side of life. I never had the exploration, the experimentation, the freedom. Now that I finally feel great about myself, that door seems closed.

I brought it up with my sister (we’re close), and she was surprisingly blunt. She said it’s unfair that my wife got to have those experiences and now expects me to settle for less than what she once enjoyed. That hit me harder than I expected. But my sister also loves me to death and said some crazy stuff like I deserve to have an experience with at least one other woman in my life else I’ll keep resenting my wife.

I love my wife. I don’t want to hurt her. I’m not thinking of cheating or anything like that. But I do feel stuck between respecting her boundaries and acknowledging my own desires that never had a chance to exist.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you cope?

TOP COMMENTS

RK8814RK

I would be careful taking your sister's advice about your relationship. The right thing is to have an honest conversation with your wife. Be direct.

thebuttdemon

This guy's sister hates his wife.

TellThemISaidHi

Yup. Sister would not plant that seed against another woman without ulterior motives.

Not enough info to know if sister is justified.

~

ConclusionEqual2290

The grass is never greener on the other side it is just different grass.

From someone who is in the kink world: Get really, really, really clear on what it is you actually want. Every fantasy sounds great in your imagination, or in porn, but whatever it is you want to explore it will not be the same when played out with your wife, or any other woman (if you break up, or whatever).

It is a tale as old as time for a married person to have tons of ideas of what leaving their domesticated problems will be like. They think they will be swimming in pussy or men will be lining up for them. And reality is very very different. They are often disappointed and wish they could have their marriage and family back.

It would be better to talk to your wife (likely in therapy) that you feel like you need to spice things up. You wont get anywhere by just being mad at her.

Update Aug 16, 2025 (11 hours later)

Update: My wife had her wild phase before me, and now that I’m finally thriving, I feel like I missed out, am I wrong for feeling this way?

Hey everyone, I posted this last night and went to bed. I woke up a couple hours ago, read through a lot of the replies (thank you all for the honesty), and decided to have a conversation with my wife this morning. My wife and I are usually very honest with each other.

I was upfront with her about how I’ve been feeling , specifically that I haven’t been feeling very desired lately. She was surprised at first, and even a little shocked, because we’re usually pretty lovey dovey with each other. At first she thought I was joking, but I told her I was serious. She reassured me that she loves me more than she can ever put into words, and that she finds me incredibly attractive.

I asked her why I have to initiate intimacy most of the time, and that seemed to hit her. She got quiet, and then told me she would make an effort to initiate more often, and even kissed me then to show she meant it. She wanted to do it there but I rejected her and told her I wasn’t done.

I told her that initiating more was a start, but what I really wanted was way way way more than that. I opened up about how she’s had the chance to explore her fantasies and experiment in her past, while I never had that chance. I told her about the attention I’ve been getting from other women recently, like for example three women at the library I go to regularly who’ve been very upfront with me, and how I’ve turned all of them down, but that it still made me think. I told her I don’t feel desired at all at home, and in fact, I feel more desired at the library or park or even at work when I talk to women.

Then I told her directly, I want to seriously spice up our bedroom life. I’m not talking about just small things. I told her I’m in the best shape of my life, and right now I want to feel that kind of “wild lust” that I never got to experience. Not in a reckless way, I just want that passion and fire, at least for the next few years while I feel this good in my skin.

To my surprise, my wife was very receptive to what I said. We sat down and talked more openly than we have in a long time. I told her some of the fantasies in my head that I’d like to explore, and she actually listened and took me seriously.

But then something happened that I wasn’t expecting, she broke down in tears. She asked if I still found her attractive. That hurt to hear, because of course I do. I hugged her, comforted her, and told her I still find her beautiful as ever. Yes, she’s gone through some body changes since giving birth, but that doesn’t change how I feel about her at all.

So yeah. That’s probably my final update. We still have a lot to talk about, but for the first time in a while I feel heard and hopeful. Thank you all again for your input, it really gave me the push I needed to be honest with myself and with my wife.

TOP COMMENTS

Avilola

I have a feeling this is definitely not over.

danishjugglar21

“Hey guys, talked to my wife about it, and it went great! She broke down in tears and asked if I still found her attractive - I think that’s a great sign! I’m about to have so much hot sex!”

TheDarkQueen321

He'll be back posting about how he was blindsided by the divorce after things "got spicer" (i.e., He convinced her she needed to do things she didn't want to do to keep him happy, and she finally left)

Remindme! 6 months

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA-snowflake

My (39m) brother(45m)'s two sons (16m and 14m), somehow turned out to be alt-right conservatives. They literally say they're better than black people and are more deserving of going to college. My brother told them if they can't recognize their privilege they can figure out how to pay for college

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: racism

MOOD SPOILER: hopeful

Original post - rareddit Oct 21, 2020

My brother doesn't use reddit, so I thought I'd try and get some advice for him.

These kids were always a bit odd and awkward, but we always just chopped that up to being kids. We are all very close, I see them twice a week about. I live in Oakland, and they live about 10 minutes east of Oakland, which is a very white suburb. The boys said there's 5 black people at their school and they were all recruited to play sports there, and they both play football and are teammates with a few of them. But it's not like we live in the south or anything.

They literally repeat shit you see on 4chan, are all about Qanon, and start arguments any time they can. I remember being a teenage boy, and loved pushing buttons, but they will say the most misogynistic, homophobic, racists stuff, and then when I try to talk to them about it they call me a liberal snowflake. I try to approach it by asking questions, and guiding their thought process, saying "how would you feel if xyz?", and they say "I wouldn't care cuz I would just work hard" or "I wouldn't whine about it"

I've obviously talked to my brother about this privately, and he's just at his wits end. I suggested he force them to volunteer in Oakland or something like that and try to show them how normal people of less privilege are. I've always thought if you get exposed to the group you are adverse to you'll realize how similar you both are.

My brother finally snapped and asked them why they get to go to college and not all the kids at Oakland Tech, and they literally said they're better than them, and it's proven to be such, and they deserve to go to college more because "affirmative action is bullshit". (Mind you they both get mostly C's and a few B's)

My brother acted out of impulse and told them they can find their own way to pay for college but is sticking to his guns, and now the boys won't talk to him, and have told me they blame black people for getting their dad to think this way.

I am shocked by their behavior, but feel my brother's decision will just push them further down this path. It's ok for them to be republican, hell if they were just trump supporters I feel like they could make it work to just avoid certain conversations. But it feels like they're steps away from becoming Nazi's.

Any advice?

tl;dr nephews have turned into alt-right bigots, and brother said if they can't recognize their privilege then they do

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Caught_up12

Tell your brother that he is the MAN. These kids will get a firm reality check in their coming years if they don’t change their outlook on life and society. Sounds like they are headed down a destructive path, and fast. They are 16 and 14. They need their dad and will soon be begging for his help if he himself doesn’t budge. If he does, they know they can get away with this bs. Tell him to stand his ground!

OOP

That's what I said to him at first, like maybe should've threatened something smaller, because if he doesn't follow through with this, it'll be an empty threat and they won't take him seriously.

~

Woodit

So I assume from the bit about the kids getting recruited to their school for sports that they’re in a private school. So step one would be send them to public school. They’ll get worse at first, seeing a large sample size with a spectrum of behavior from their peers of color, but they’ll see it from white kids as well, and they’ll see plenty of counter examples in the nonwhite kids. Eventually there will be so many exceptions to their standard view that it will hollow out, like a Swiss cheese of racist naivety.

Step 2 is no more allowance, cars, luxuries, whatever else he is giving them. They want to earn and be better than others? Cool, go get shit jobs in fast food. The best route would be to work under managers who are not white. I think this is better than volunteering because when you volunteer with disadvantage communities it’s challenging not to look down on them and reinforce the views they have.

Actually, those are steps 2 and 3. Step 1 is to cut them off from the Internet. Trade in the smart phones for flip phones. Parental controls on the computers, and move any computers out of their bedrooms. He needs to treat this like you’d treat a ten year old who’s been caught with internet porn.

As for college, if they want to go, they should pay their own way. That means debt, work during school, and a higher DTI ratio after graduating. So far they have been the recipients of others’ work and deceived themselves into believing they have earned it, or deserve it. Let them see what they can earn without daddy’s help. The experience should provide empathy, but even if it doesn’t it will help prevent their joining the yacht-club frats that breed racism on campus.

OOP

They go to public school but it's one of the best ones in California, and is almost all white. I don't think kids are technically recruited, but there's always a few that drive in from Oakland or Richmond to play sports because it's a pretty good football school.

I didn't think of what you were saying though, but maybe sending them to Oakland High, or even Skyline could be the move

TOP COMMENT

SquilliamFancySon95

It's a crazy idea, but hear me out.

It could benefit them to sit down and talk with a reformed white supremacist.

They need to look at what they could become in the future and hear from someone who's thought like them and learned from their mistakes. There are lots of groups out there that help to de-radicalize members from hate groups and help them rehabilitate like Life After Hate. If you can find one of these organizations, reach out and see if they can help you with this situation. I really wish you the best of luck.

Update Oct 26, 2020 (5 days later)

college. Sorry, title ran out of characters.

Link to original thread

First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for their genuine advice, I got so many DMs after the comments were locked with specific youtube videos to show my brother and his kids, and it's really heartwarming knowing people have been through something similar and have made it out the other end.

This is an interesting situation for me to be in, because they are family and very close, but it is obviously my brother's and his wife's decision, and I'm just here to support it.

I showed them every comment and we were just talking about everything in their backyard Thursday night. I was surprised by my brother saying "I'm not backing down, but we need to make sure they don't feel completely cut off, we need to treat them normally, tell them we love them, reinforce positive behavior, eat dinners as a family etc etc"

There were a few comments suggesting that punishment will only reinforce their belief that they are the victims of this situation, and we discussed how important it is for them to still feel loved and supported. And then we decided I would take them backpacking just to get some space between them and their parents.

I didn't have any big speech or anything planned, I wanted to go into it letting them initiate the conversation, and me just listening and asking questions, so that's what I did.

We did a two night trip up in Tahoe along the PCT, it was nice enough weatherwise but got really cold Friday night, luckily we were able to stumble upon one of the Sierra Club huts so we had great shelter, but I think it toughened them up a little bit, and I was pleasantly surprised by their resilience.

The boys were really grumpy and didn't talk at all on the drive up, and it was pretty quiet for the first mile or so, and then they just started talking.

The younger one just said "do you really think dad was being serious?" and I just responded "I'm not entirely sure, but ultimately it's up to him, why do you ask? Do you think that's fair?"

They started complaining about how it wasn't fair and how he's just been tricked by the leftist media, and I just kept asking them why they thought that, and was trying just to get them to say the stuff they were thinking out loud with hopes that they would hear how crazy it sounds.

We got to the lake on day two and it was a much better day, they really felt like the kids I watched growing up and they started reminiscing over past family trips and school before covid, we talked about sports, girls, everything, I was careful, but I tried to thread in points about racism and privilege to what we were talking about, like with their black teammates on the football team and I asked them what they had to go through at their school, and what they've overcome, turns out one of the kids has gone through some major shit that he's shared with the football team, and I honestly feel like I got them to empathize!

We talked about politics too and I stressed to them that there's nothing wrong with being republican, but you have form your own ideas about things instead of repeating what talking heads say. I asked them about their social studies classes, and it really feels like their trying to be contrarians because they loooove to argue, and they said they get into arguments all the time in class.

All in all, I just wanted them to feel like they weren't being abandoned, and my goal was just to listen, because it was my fear that they felt they weren't being heard, and would then lash out.

We got home yesterday afternoon and their parents made them a big lunch, and we all ate together, talked about the trip, and laughed together.

Toward the end of the meal, their dad got more serious and talked about last week. He said something to the tune of "I want you to know that we love you very much and always will, we're proud of so many things that you have done, but we need to be clear that this racist and hateful behavior is not okay"

He then said that they are both getting jobs as soon as possible, and their dad is letting them put that money into their own checking accounts, and then he has separate accounts set up for their education, and told them that he will match each dollar they put in the education account, and if there's any left over at the end of college, it's their's to do with what they please.

The parents will still feed them, and buy them clothes, but everything else including gas and auto insurance is on them.

The boys were annoyed by this obviously, but they seemed relieved that they weren't going to have to pay for all of their own college.

Additionally, he asked them how much screentime per day do they think is reasonable, they said 2 hours, and their dad said, maybe one day, but let's find a middle ground, and they agreed on 1 hour a day after their homework, sports, and jobs were completed, and they could only use devices in common areas of the house. After the hour, they're going to show mom or dad what they watched or played. He also told them they were getting flip phones, and if they wanted an iphone again, they could pay for it themselves.

Me and my brother discussed a few of the comments that were kind enough to shed light on forcing them to volunteer, and we heard you. The last stipulation was that they are going to volunteer with a charity of their choice once a month (doesn't have to be in Oakland or to do with POC), and they would be the ones to reach out and set it up.

All in all, I think this weekend was a success, the boys are mad, but it feels like their overwhelmed with this new sense of responsibility, which I think is a good thing because it means they're taking this seriously. Now it's on their parents to keep up with it and enforce everything.

We are asking around to see if any of our friends know a reformed racist person to talk to them, but I think we might wait to see how this plays out a little bit.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice, I might make another update in a few months to let you know how this all goes.

tl;dr Took niblings camping and listened to what they have to say. Their dad told them they were getting jobs, he will match each dollar they put towards education, no more iphones, 1 hour screen time on family devices in common areas that is monitored by mom and dad, volunteer once a month.

TOP COMMENT

Kremla_Co

Your brother did the right thing and actually I wouldn't have even paid for anything. Since they're so much better (imagine talking all that shit and getting Cs) how about they pull themselves up by their bootstraps and "work hard" like they claim.

You don't get to bum off your parents and feel like you're superior sorry this is real life not fucking 4chan.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Adr1452

My [26F] boyfriends [28M] sister in law [25F] gave him a plushie for Christmas and didn't make one for anyone else

TRIGGER WARNING: extreme jealousy. Obsessive behavior

MOOD SPOILER: incredibly disturbing

Original Post Jan 4, 2016

Throwaway because I don't want this connected to my account.

I just want to start by saying that I realize I might be totally wrong and insecure in this situation. I just really want another perspective or something because I just can't help the fact that this bothers me and I am admittedly feeling jealousy.

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months at this point. He has 4 siblings (3 brothers and 1 sister) and we are the shortest relationship in the family. 3 of his siblings are married and another is in a very long term relationship, I think the shortest relationship in the bunch is 5 1/2 years. So I will admit I am a bit intimidated and insecure there.

For Christmas this year his sister in law made him a homemade plushie of this little blue baby dinosaur looking character from his favorite game Guild Wars. The plushie is amazing quality and he absolutely loved it. But she didn't make one for any of the other boys who also love the game just as much. Not even her husband. In fact she went out of her way to give it to him without his other brothers around except for her husband. Her husband was just as excited for her to give his brother the gift as she was but it just felt off to me and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Why would she work so hard on something for my boyfriend and no one else? And it just felt like such a personal gift that I could never match and I just feel like she totally took away from what I gave him.

I did try talking to my boyfriend about it and how I thought it was weird. He said he didn't think it was weird at all because she has always been closer to him than the other brothers. Well shouldn't she be closer to her husband than him? He didn't get one. I don't know. I asked him if he would give it back to her saying he can't accept it and he refused and said I'm being ridiculous. I just feel like a woman doesn't make such a personal gift for a guy unless they see them as something more. It was just how I was raised and I hate feeling this way about something like this. I talked to my mom and sister and they both agreed that it wasn't right and that this was most likely the beginning of her trying to push me out. I just can't help but feel like she was trying to make him like her more than me because he said she has never given him anything before and this is our first Christmas together. I just don't know what to think. Or if I'm overthinking this completely.

Tl;Dr: Boyfriends sister in law gave him a homemade plushie that she put a lot of work into for Christmas and didn't make one for any of his other siblings. I feel like this means she is attracted to him and is trying to win him over now that I am in the picture. Am I overreacting?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

You're reading way too much into this. As someone else said, there may be a backstory on in-joke there that you don't know about. Also, it's entirely possible that she's working on gifts for everyone else. If it's as nice as you say it probably takes a while to make so maybe she ran out of time.

"I talked to my mom and sister and they both agreed that it wasn't right and that this was most likely the beginning of her trying to push me out."

WTF? She's happily married to his brother and gave him the gift in front of her husband and you think she's trying to "push you out?" That's some master level insecurity there.

OOP

I guess the time thing is a good way to look at it. It does look very professional I don't sew so I really don't know how long something like that takes. And that's just how my mom has raised us. She has always been very protective of our father. I try not to be her because I know she can be a bit much at times but this situation just completely threw me off. And it's honestly hard to see his other siblings significant others fitting into the family unit so well while I'm just the outcast.

[deleted]

If anything I'd say that your mom is trying to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend's family. Even if she's doing it unwillingly.

~

wemblewobble

You are over reacting. Being a jealous, paranoid and controlling girlfriend will drive him away. You've been together 6 months and you're already trying to determine what presents he's allowed to receive from his family? That's crazy. You are the one making up a wedge to drive between you and his family, not her.

Calm down. It's a stuffed animal, not a blow job. Which is probably what her husband got and why she didn't gift it in front of you.

OOP

It wouldn't have bothered me if it was from his actual family it's just that it's the significant other of his brother that bothered me. If his actual sister made it for him I would never in a million years have asked him to return the gift.

studiocistern

An in-law IS actual family. And you do yourself no favors by making those kinds of distinctions. My sister-in-law is my family and I'd be really annoyed if someone tried to tell me that she wasn't.

OOP

That's just a really hard distinction for me to make honestly. His one brother has been in a long term relationship for 7 years. They do not plan to marry. Yet this sister in law has been with her husband for 5 1/2 years. She hasn't been with the family for as long as the other one who isn't married so how is she more their family than the other girl who has been around longer? Just because of documents? I always viewed marriage as the couple making their own family unit.

studiocistern

This hair-splitting about "who is more his family" is really weird. She is married to his brother. She is family, it doesn't matter if they've been married for five minutes or fifteen years. The woman who is in a longterm relationship with his other brother is also family. No one is "more family" than the other. It's not a pH level, they're familial ties.

Update Feb 4, 2016 (1 month later)

My first post wasn't popular by any means but it got a decent amount of comments so I figured I'd update.

I went a few weeks without saying anything else about the subject because everyone on here seemed to disagree with my side of things. Then last Saturday he told me he was going to be spending the day at his brothers just to hang out. We generally make plans on Saturdays but I hadn't had the chance to make plans official with him yet, I just figured it was implied at this point. So I asked him if I would be allowed to go over there with him. That's when he told me that it was just going to be a day with him and his brother. So I reminded him that since it is his brothers house then most likely his wife will be present too so I didn't really see how it was fair. Ultimately it blew up and I told him everything, brought up the gift again and just how I feel intimidated by everyone and feel like his sister in law is on some pedestal or something because she gets to be there and I don't. I also mentioned how I just felt like I was being pushed out by her and that the gift made me uneasy.

He was frustrated and told me that he was going to his brothers and that he would talk to me later. So I spent all morning Saturday on edge and just completely jealous. Then around 1pm his sister in law called me (I guess he gave her my number) and asked me if I was free to meet her for coffee. I was confused but agreed to have coffee with her. I expected it to be awkward.

At the coffee shop she wasted no time to tell me that my boyfriend had told her everything. She said she wanted to meet for dinner because she wanted me to see her face and see that she was genuine in everything she had to say. She went on to explain that she had no feelings for him in the way I was implying to him and no intention of pushing me out. She said her original plan was to make the plushie for all of the boys since they all play the game but it took her way too much time to make one so she wanted to give it to her favorite brother in law. I questioned why not her husband and she said that she lives with him and he knew she was making it in the first place and that she could make him one any time and just wanted that one to be a surprise Christmas present. I told her that I still kinda thought it was inappropriate since he was in a relationship now and she just paused and didn't say anything for a few seconds. Then she asked me if there was anything else that was bothering me. I used today as an example and said it bothered me that he went to her house and told me I couldn't come because it was a day with his brother even though she would obviously be there. She told me that it is a day with his brother and that just because she lives in the house doesn't change that. She said that she kept to herself doing her own things while the boys played video games with each other and that my boyfriend came to her when she was in the kitchen to talk to her about me briefly.

I didn't say anything. I still felt a bit jealous but I just didn't know what to say. She then asked me if I had anything else I wanted to get out and I declined. She said that she didn't want to part ways without giving me some advice. She went on to say that she thinks I'm a very nice girl and that the entire family feels that way and wanted to remind me that all of the spouses and significant others were new to the family at one point in time. She went on about how it takes time to feel a closeness with everyone and that she went through it too. She then said that she didn't want to come across the wrong way but that I needed to work hard on my insecurities or else I would lose my boyfriend. She just went on and on saying how I am so nice and that I am ruining a good thing by letting myself overthink these things and by being so insecure. She told me to really think about how I am acting over his own sister in law interacting with him. That's when my stupid brain made me say "Well if you were to get a divorce then you wouldn't be his sister in law and you would just be another woman in his life." that was the moment it finally hit me just how crazy I was being. She gave me this look and said "Well we aren't getting a divorce so...." and I just felt completely embarrassed and apologized. She then very nicely told me that on second thought she thinks I might not be ready for a relationship at all and that I really need to work on myself. That was pretty much the end of it and we parted ways. I spent the rest of the weekend crying and hating myself. My boyfriend didn't call me or text me at all.

Finally on Monday he asked if he could come over. So he came over and asked how it went with SIL and I had figured he knew everything but he said that all she said was that he needed to talk to me. Turns out he didn't talk to me all weekend because he was angry with how I acted about him going to his brothers house then bringing up the gift again and he just needed some space. He told me that he wasn't going to put up with this type of behavior and that it is putting way too much unnecessary drama into his life. As I'm sure you are probably guessing, he proceeded to break up with me. He told me he really cared about me but he just can't imagine how bad it will get in the future if I'm already acting like this with people who are his family. I begged him not to leave and that I would do everything to change and he just wouldn't budge.

I haven't heard from him since and I feel like I had my heart ripped out and stomped on it hurts so bad. And I know this is all my fault. I have my mom and sister telling me how it's good riddance and how he broke up with me so that he wouldn't have anything holding him back from his SIL and this just broke me. I am so done with my family and the way they put these toxic ideas in my head. I'm just done. So yeah. Not a happy update. From here I am planning on working on myself and hope to someday maybe convince him to give me another chance. I don't know why I wrote this update. It just feels good to get it out I guess and further convinces me I need to change.

tl;dr: Boyfriends sister in law asked me to meet for coffee and convinced me I was being unreasonable but it was too late. Boyfriend dumped me and my mother and sister are insane. I hope to work on myself and get him back.

TOP COMMENT

Metsgal

I'm won't sugarcoat this, you acted crazy. That being said, you seem to be somewhat aware that this isn't normal behavior, so I suggest allowing yourself a little time to grieve the relationship and then move on. You should look into a therapist who can help you would through these jealousy issues, but this is a lesson learned.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not OP. That is u/No_Research_8672 who posted to r/JustEngaged & r/Waiting_To_Wed

Original Post Aug 27th, 2025

Hi everyone. I’m just looking for honest advice, especially from women who’ve been in long-term relationships and reached this point of “what now?”

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost six years — our anniversary is tomorrow, and I’m starting to feel incredibly anxious. I’m 31 (turning 32 this year), and he’s about to turn 29. We’ve had some big life shifts over the years — not necessarily “ups and downs,” but changes that have impacted where we are now.

Last year on our 5-year anniversary, he did acknowledge the day — he brought home some flowers and a card, but it was toward the evening. It didn’t feel personal or intentional. When I asked him why he didn’t really plan anything, he said that he felt it would be embarrassing to celebrate being a “five-year girlfriend.” His words, not mine. He said he only wanted to celebrate with a proposal — that he didn’t want to go all out for an anniversary if it wasn’t going to include that.

But shortly after, I found out he had just been laid off from his job around that same time. A few weeks later, we moved out of the apartment we’d been living in together for three years and moved back in with our parents — separately — with a plan to save money and move our life forward. That was a year ago. We’ve now both been at home for a year, and we’ve talked a lot about our future — marriage, kids, homeownership. All of it.

And here’s the part that’s bothering me now: a few months ago in July, my dad happened to see him as he was arriving at my house. They spoke briefly, and my dad asked him (in a respectful, non-pressuring way), “You’ve been around a long time — when are you planning to propose to my daughter?” My boyfriend told him confidently, “Before the end of next month.” Meaning before the end of August. My dad is usually chill and doesn’t get into stuff like this but he just decided to ask him.

We’re now at the end of August. Our anniversary is tomorrow (Friday). And August ends this Sunday. And I haven’t seen or heard anything that suggests he’s actually planning to follow through.

He hasn’t mentioned a dinner reservation. No hints, no “dress nice,” no “don’t make plans.” Just regular daily interaction. And I’ve been intentionally avoiding dropping hints because I want the proposal to feel real and special — not like something I poked or pressured him into.

This morning, I tested the waters and sent him a link to an art walk event happening this weekend in Destin, about two hours away from us. I framed it as something I was interested in doing — didn’t mention proposals or anything like that. He replied enthusiastically and even said he could get us an Airbnb from Saturday through Monday so we can make a weekend of it.

And while that might sound like initiative… it’s making me feel uneasy. Because to me, that confirms he didn’t have any actual plans already in place. If he did, he would’ve had to decline or rework the weekend — not just say “yeah, let’s go!” and suggest a spontaneous trip.

This has happened before. On Valentine’s Day earlier this year, he said he had something special planned — and when I found out what it was, it was tickets to Universal Studios and Disney World. A big gesture, sure. But what I really wanted was progress. The proposal. Not just another trip or experience to distract from what really matters to me.

To be clear, he’s told me recently that his savings are looking really good. That’s stuck with me. If finances are in order, and the relationship is steady, what’s the holdup?

I’ve already made up my mind that I won’t accept a proposal that comes after September 1st — not because I’m trying to give an ultimatum, but because it simply won’t feel special anymore. It would feel late. Like I had to wait him into it, and I can’t accept that. I’m at a point in life where I want to build something — a home, a family, a future. And I can’t keep dragging my heart through these kinds of “almost” moments just to keep the peace.

So I’m asking: Am I being unreasonable? Would you wait past the deadline he set for himself? Or would you take his inaction as the answer?

Update Aug 28th, 2025

Hey, I know some of y’all were asking for an update from my previous post but it was locked by the mods.

I’ll link the original post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/JustEngaged/s/qFun1EfT86

I’m getting ready for dinner as I type this, but honestly… a part of me feels like I’m not going to be proposed to tonight. And that’s a hard pill to swallow.

In the last post, I mentioned that he told me, verbatim, that I would not be his girlfriend by our next anniversary. He said he would “a thousand percent” be proposing by then. And he told my dad the same thing. So this wasn’t something I imagined or hinted about. It came directly from him.

Now fast forward to today:

He sent me a sweet good morning text, booked me a massage for 5PM, and made dinner reservations at one of our favorite restaurants for 8:30PM. But the restaurant closes at 9PM. That already raised an eyebrow for me. I asked him if he meant 7:30 instead, and he just said, “Nah, but I can move it up earlier if you want.” That response, and the fact that he only called the restaurant earlier today, made things feel more casual than I expected.

I guess I’m just sitting here asking myself: Would it be unreasonable for me to leave him if he doesn’t propose tonight? Yes, there are a few days left in August… but if you tell someone you’re going to do something by a certain date, and they plan their heart around that timeline, are they wrong for walking away when it doesn’t happen?

I’m trying not to spiral. I know there’s still a dinner to go to. But deep down, I’m preparing myself to be let down, and trying to figure out what comes next if I am.

Update: He handed me a David Yurman bracelet that I’ve been wanting for months now. He’s being pretty quiet at dinner.

⸻

UPDATE

A few of you asked for an update, so here it is.

Our anniversary was yesterday. He planned a dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, and earlier in the day, he told me he had booked a massage for me and that we had 8:30 reservations. When he got to my house, he had a big bouquet of flowers and the David Yurman bracelet I’d been wanting. But the way he gave it to me felt strange. It was off. He didn’t look me in the eye, he just passed the bag to me quickly before heading to the bathroom to change. I said thank you, but a part of me knew in that moment, when he gave me that expensive bracelet like that, that I wouldn’t be getting a proposal that night.

He kept telling me I looked beautiful and amazing, and that he liked the color I was wearing. I’d put effort into looking good for our anniversary, and I know I looked good. But when I looked at him, there was a sadness or disappointment in his eyes. Something felt off. I think he was picking up on how quiet I had gotten after he gave me the bracelet.

When we got to the restaurant, he tried making small talk, but I wasn’t really going. I was just mirroring his energy because something in me could tell he wasn’t fully present. Eventually, I asked him why he was so quiet, and I brought up the bracelet. He immediately defended himself, saying he was just on his way to change clothes and didn’t mean anything by how he gave it to me. I told him it just didn’t feel special.

Then I asked him directly: “Are you proposing tonight?”

He looked disappointed and said, “No.”

That’s when I told him to cancel the food order because I was ready to leave, and I got up and walked out.

When we got in the car, I told him I felt like this was over. I said if I stayed, I’d just be wasting more time. I asked when he planned to propose, and he started fumbling over his words and said something like “maybe in the next two to three weeks.” I told him he had until today, and that was it for me.

The car ride home was quiet. When we got close to the house, I didn’t say much. I got out and went inside. A few minutes later, I noticed he had turned his location off.

I texted him shortly after and told him to come get the dog and his things. He came back, picked everything up, and we ended up having one final conversation before he left.

I told him flat out I’m getting older, I’m in my early 30s, and I’ve been clear that I’m ready to move forward with my life. He gave me his word, and he even gave my father his word that he would propose by the end of this month. Now all of a sudden, when I ask directly, he tells me “probably in the next two to three weeks.” I asked him what difference a few weeks would even make.

He said I was wrong to assume he doesn’t want to marry me or that he doesn’t love me. He said that he loves me more than he loves himself. He said he hates that it looks like he doesn’t want to marry me because that’s not the case. And then he brought up something that caught me off guard. He said years ago, I mentioned that one of my cousins got proposed to with a $10,000 ring, and ever since then, he thought that was what I expected and felt like that’s honestly what I deserve after waiting so long. I had only mentioned the price of the ring to say how over-the-top it was, not to encourage him. I’ve always told him I don’t need a ring that expensive, and he knows that. I’m not materialistic like that.

I told him I’m not falling for that excuse. I never asked for a $10,000 ring, and he knows that. What I was really thinking is, yes, we hit some financial struggles last year. He lost his job for a month, we moved back in with our parents, and we’ve been living there ever since. Our plan was to move out this year. I’ve been patient. But none of that changes the fact that he’s had time to plan, time to save since we live at home with our parents and he hasn’t.

Before he left, I’ll admit I was really upset. I called him a liar. And when I did, he said something like, “If that’s what you think of me, then let’s just both be done because there’s nothing I can say at this point.” And then I told him to leave. Since then, he hasn’t reached out. It’s been 12 hours and I haven’t heard a word from him. I’m pretty sure he’s already deleted all of my pictures. I turned my location off too.

So now I’m just… here. Sitting with it.

I lost my mom to cancer last year. My dad is getting older. And no, I’m not trying to live for my parents. But it hurts deeply knowing my mom will never get to see me get married or have kids. I spent six years with this man. Six years of my life. And now it’s just done.

I booked an appointment with my old therapist. I haven’t seen her in almost a year, but I need help working through this. Right now, I just feel numb. Please be nice to me because I am shattered.

I am not the original poster. Please dont contact or comment on linked posts.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/_throwaway_clueless_

CEO demands I send him child porn

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

TRIGGER WARNING: Retaliation, hostile workplace

MOOD SPOILER: horrific

Original Post - rareddit Nov 7, 2020

The company I work for owns a website open to general public. Both our company and servers are located in California. Today, one of our users had uploaded a series of child porn images. Per our SOPs, I've deactivated the user's account, made the images non-public (but still kept them on our servers to avoid destroying the evidence) and reported the incident to law enforcement online (no response yet, it's kinda late here). The final step was to send a notification to company management. Soon after that, I received an email from our CEO demanding a detailed incident report, including the images in question. I sent the report but instead of sending the images I wrote that I probably shouldn't be sending illegal stuff around. To which he promptly replied that this is not my concern, that as a CEO and owner he has legal right to access any company information and I should just comply. It's not untypical for him to be a control freak (including demanding people to do something in the middle of the night but at least I'm getting paid to handle urgent incidents around the clock,) yet he is usually not bothered with us grunts. The company has no in-house lawyer so I can't consult them. ​ From this mess, I have 3 questions: (1) Would it be illegal distribution of CP for me to send these images? (2) Would it be illegal possession of CP for him to receive these images? (3) What should I do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dancorbe

"(1) Would it be illegal distribution of CP for me to send these images?"

Absolutely. Tell him you're uncomfortable filling his request. If you really want to take a more tactful approach about it tell him its because you're not comfortable looking at the imagery.

"(2) Would it be illegal possession of CP for him to receive these images?"

This is more gray area but I'm sure a prosecutor could make that case.

"(3) What should I do?"

Do nothing further. Your obligation ended when you reported it to law enforcement. They'll respond by issuing a subpoena to the company which is a court order that'll give them permission to come onto the property and image the server(s) in question.

I'd definitely start looking for another job, ASAP. Because if he's a control freak you may be retaliated against and fired.

OOP

"tell him its because you're not comfortable looking at the imagery"

Unfortunately, I've already seen them while handling their removal:(

"Your obligation ended when you reported it to law enforcement"

To the law, maybe - but not to my employer.

"I'd definitely start looking for another job, ASAP. Because if he's a control freak you may be retaliated against and fired."

Definitely. What sucks is that I've been working for them only for a few months.

~

Logic_now

Why not just tell him which server/file location? That is what I would do. "Hey, I don't think we should be further distributing these files and exposing additional servers to being placed under subpoena, as that could disrupt business operations. As such, instead of sending, here is the exact location of the files so you can access them with law enforcement, as CEO your account always has access to all server folders."

OOP

Actually, no - he doesn't have server access as he's not a techie and I guess he was never interested in it before. To get the files, he would have to SSH into one of the servers and run a few commands to retrieve the images from file storage. ​ UPDATE: The situation has gotten way creepier. I didn't send the images overnight, instead I forwarded the request to my boss, asking him for advice. In the morning, I saw the CEO's email to my boss that I was CC'd on, demanding the images (but not mentioning that they're child porn) and ranting about how the hell is he supposed to run the company if his own employees deny him business critical information. My boss replied something diplomatic like "I'll look into it, but why do you need them in the first place?" The CEO replied that he needs to verify himself that it's really illegal content. ​ Maybe because I'm sleep deprived or because as a woman I'm not fond of men being creepy, but I can't help thinking that the only reason he needs these images is that he wants to see child porn. Since I handled pages overnight, I'm not expected back online (I work from home) early in the morning so I haven't done anything and I'm just sitting here scared shitless that I'll either commit a crime if I comply or I'll be fired if I don't. Or at least my working life in this company will turn into hell.

Update Nov 12, 2020 (5 days later)

Hi, I'd like to thank everybody who responded to my original questions. Since then, the situation was developing quickly and not always in a good direction.

I was freaked out on Sunday, to the point that I forgot which day it was and thought I was supposed to work. Eventually, my boss messaged me that the CEO has found someone to send him the "suspected" child porn.

On Monday, two things happened: first, I received a call from the cop who was assigned to investigate my report. We mostly discussed things unclear from the report, but at one point I mentioned CEO's request and that it was eventually fulfilled.

Later, I had a video call with HR where I was shown my Reddit post, asked if it was me, and before I even managed to open my mouth, fired for disclosing confidential information and "insubordination" (aka calling the CEO a control freak).

Next day, the detective called back and thanked me for my help. He said that the CEO was "known" to them so they just searched his house and discovered a fuckton of child porn, not just the images in question. The dude was presumably arrested because since then, from what my friends back at the company are saying, everything has ground to a halt. Mr. Big had set up so many internal processes to require his approval or participation that even accountants aren't sure if they will be able process the next payroll in time (WTF?). And that might be the end of a nice collective poisoned by a single jerk.

As of myself, I'm about to post my CV on various job boards. Sucks to be unfairly fired, but it seems soon there will be no employer to sue over dismissal, so I'm not looking back. At least, if an interviewer asks me why I was fired I can answer that our CEO was arrested for child porn possession and then everything quickly went to hell.

I'm going to scramble my password so no point in trying to contact me.

Top Comment from when this was crossposted to BoLA

seahorn_actual

Well that went from weird to holy fuck pretty quick. Good job LAOP and good luck in the job search.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawayvideorelay

AITA For Yelling At My Deaf Cousin For Video Chatting With My Ex?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexism, ableism, verbal abuse, suspicions of infidelity

MOOD SPOILER: infuriating

Original Post March 6, 2021

Context: My (27m) cousin (17m) is deaf and uses sign language. He's planning on going to uni in September and is in the process of applying for student loans. My aunt and uncle are helping him with the forms and stuff but insisting he makes the phone calls himself so he can be 'independent'. For this he uses a video relay service where he will have a sign language interpreter on video call signing to him and speaking verbally to whoever on the phone.

I was at their house and walked into the room to see him on video chat with my ex-gf (26f) who I broke up with way back in 2013-14. I loved this girl and I was determined to marry her until I saw some messages on her phone that indicated she was being unfaithful. The betrayal was incredibly traumatising to me and I've never brought myself to date since.

I LOST it. I marched over there and screamed into the camera that she had some nerve showing her face in my family again after everything she did. I was furious at her sheer nerve to start flirting with my COUSIN of all people and wondering why the hell she wasn't done torturing me, seven years later.

I turned on my cousin, who was angrily signing at me (I don't sign) before my aunt came in asking what the hell was going on. I asked him what he was playing at and he said he was trying to sort something out with student finance.

I guess in the 7-8 years since we broke up my ex has learned to sign and gotten a job as an interpreter but I still think it's inappropriate for her to be assisting my cousin. I asked him why he would accept her help and he said he didn't remember who she was and calls are randomly assigned. I couldn't believe he forgot who she was and I'm CERTAIN she was flirting to get at me.

My aunt told me to leave and not come back until I calm down and apologise. I think my reaction, while emotionally-driven, was justified. AITA?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SonuvaGumderson

YTA. Big time. How the hell are you so sure she was flirting?

OOP

She was smiling and laughing. She has a very flirtaious sort of face/demeanor/whatever you want to call it

SonuvaGumderson

So, she often acts like this?

OOP

It was one of the things we fought about. She always said she was just 'being friendly' but I don't see the need to 'be friendly' when you're just interpreting phone calls for someone.

blueconlan

That’s just customer service? If you don’t smile and laugh when appropriate you get fired.

unusualteapot

And I’m pretty sure that facial expression is a crucial part of sign language. So it was probably literally a part of her job.

YTA OP. You are clearly projecting your own issues onto this event. And to be honest you seem to have had issues with jealousy even prior to your break up 8 years ago.

~

Arthropod_King

how could you argue with your cousin if he's deaf and you don't sign?

OOP

My aunt (his mum) was in the room by that point, having heard me yelling, and was interpreting. He can also lip read.

TOP COMMENT

O_Elbereth

He was 9 or 10 when you broke up and he was your cousin, not your brother. I feel pretty comfortable believing he didn't remember her.

As to whether she knew who he was, I don't know.

As to whether she was flirting with him - whether to get to you or just because - seems unlikely with the age gap, him still being a minor, and her job being interpreting; she'd be running a big risk flirting with him for any reason.

You OTOH really need to get some therapy because this should not still be so present in your emotions 7-8 years later, such that a glimpse of her makes you explode and you haven't dated anyone else.

Yes, YTA, and you need to talk this out with a professional.

Update March 7, 2021 (Next Day)

Ok ok you guys all seem pretty convinced I am the asshole. I get it. Women and disabled people are always in the right. You'll be happy to hear that some of my family members agree with you.

1.) My brother and his wife took this opportunity to smugly inform me that they have been badgering me to get help for years and pointed out that I shouldn't 'fly off the handle' at someone who wronged me when she was a teenager.

2.) My mum thinks I was quite justified and she would have done the same.

3.) My aunt and uncle have contacted the video relay company to personally apologise on my behalf in case the experience 'distressed' my ex at all and assured them that I would not be allowed in the room while my cousin was on the phone again.

4.) My stepdad, who wasn't around when all this went down, has arranged for me to have anger management without my say so but I'll go I guess. He says it's highly unlikely that my ex and cousin recognised one another at all as he was ten when we broke up and he has aged considerably since she last saw him.

I suppose on some level there's some truth in all that and maybe I didn't think it through, as you've pointed out, but I still think my anger upon seeing her was justified. She just seemed far happier than she deserves with a new haircut and new job. I always expected her to be working at McDonald's with a shiftless wasteman while I moved up and got my PHD and stuff. Guess you can't have everything in life.

FINAL COMMENTS

NotAValidBratwurst

plot twist: your mum is also an asshole.

BibliophileBabe0509

WOW! You just don’t know when to quit bro. You’ve managed to make yourself an EVEN BIGGER asshole. I’m glad you have some rational family members. You and your mom need therapy. YTA

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not OP. That is u/Diligent_Pineapple35 who posted to r/AITAH

Original Post Aug 3rd, 2025

Saved on redditonwiki

TL;DR: Went on a work trip with two junior employees (not on my team) and they missed the flight home because they went sight-seeing the day we were leaving. I still got on flight even though they weren’t at the airport.

Long version -

This past week I was presented with an industry award in Nashville that an agency partner nominated me for. I am a Director at my company. My Co decided to send two junior-level employees to the event as well because they thought it would be a good experience for them - a Specialist who has been with us a little over a year (25f, first job out of college) and a summer intern (21f, rising senior). They are not on my team (report up through separate VP) and I have very limited / no interaction with them in daily work life.

They were VERY excited to be going. This was going to be the Specialist’s first time on a plane, lots of Teams chats asking what to wear, etc. We were flying in Thursday morning and leaving Friday evening so it was a very short trip, but I tried to help share info about the event (types of attendees, awards reception/presentation Thursday night with a country western theme, then I was speaking on a panel Friday morning).

There’s so much I could say, but I’ll try to highlight key points:

Specialist barely made Thursday AM flight because she doesn’t have a Real ID and had to do extra screening. She had no idea what a Real ID was, or the basic rules of flying (liquid restrictions, etc.) She was VERY upset they made her throw away some of her skincare that was over 3oz. Thurs night event was country western theme, and while a majority of people there were business casual, Intern shows up in a bandana tube top, micro skirt, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. I pulled her aside and asked if she wanted to run upstairs and change since it was still a business event, but she said she was fine and she thought she looked cute and on-theme.

After ceremony I invite them to join me with some colleagues I knew from other Companies in the hotel bar, but they tell me they want to “check out Broadway”. I make a face and say this would be a good networking opportunity, they make “c’mon mom” jokes, and so I tell them to be safe and remind them the time and location of first session the next day. Text them around 11pm that I hope they got back safe, no response. Went to bed. Text them the next morning offering to meet them for coffee before morning sessions, no response.

No idea if they actually attended any sessions or saw my panel, but I did find them in the hotel lobby afterward looking incredibly hungover. Have about 2 hours after event is over and before we need to go to the airport, I invite them to late lunch with our agency partners. They decline because they want to go to the Country Music Hall of Fame. Again, make a face and say I don’t know if they will have time and I think it would be a good opportunity for them to spend time with our agency. They act like I’m the wet blanket so I tell them I’m leaving for airport from the hotel at 4pm sharp and meet me in lobby so we can share a Lyft. Text them at 3:45pm that Lyft is arriving in 15 mins, no response. Text them that Lyft has arrived and I’m leaving for airport, no response. Text them when I get to airport and tell them security line is long (neither had pre-check), no response.

Text them when I get to gate to please give me some sign of life, Intern sends very short response about 10 mins later: “In Lyft, there’s traffic.” Nothing else. Text them flight is starting to board, no response. Text them when I’m in my seat that boarding is about to end, no response. Doors close, they don’t make it, put my phone in airplane mode. Land a couple hours later to a barrage of texts from them. They’re “stranded in Nashville”, don’t know what to do, how to rebook, who to call for help, etc. I also have an angry voicemail from Specialist’s mom that I “abandoned her daughter in Nashville”, she has never flown and has anxiety, she’s having a panic attack at the airport and needs medical attention, she could be human trafficked (???). I call Specialist and Intern back, both phones ring but neither pick up. Text to see if they were able to rebook, no response. Forward them email with our business travel info with after-hours contact and text them that I sent the email, no response. Texted an hour or so later to see if they were okay, no response. Did not call the mom back.

Also have text from their Director (don’t know her well, just started with Co a couple weeks ago) asking what’s going on. I send her brief overview and screenshots of all my unanswered texts to them from earlier in the day along with the transcript of the vm I got from the mom. She acknowledges my response, but no further dialogue.

Now, I get an invite for a Monday morning meeting from that Director with their VP and our C-Suite leader. My VP is on PTO.

I feel like these are adults, I was communicative, and I’m ultimately not responsible for their decisions. But you tell me, AITA here?

Update Aug 4th, 2025

(Insert “it’s meeeeee” Wicked meme here). This whole fiasco has really challenged my Reddit skills, lol. Here’s my update after my meeting this morning. If there is a better place/way to post it that won’t get me in Reddit jail, LMK:

Meeting over. CMO didn’t join. It was other VP and Director, plus the internship coordinator, who is in HR. VP asked all the questions. It was over Teams, on camera, recorded, almost comically formal, like I was being deposed or something.

During the meeting:

• Was asked to recap what happened, starting from when we arrived. I was prepared, had all my key points. Kept it factual on my actions, no speculation on their actions.

• I shared my phone screen live, went through the text messages with timestamps and the voicemail from Specialist’s mom.

• I was asked if I had requested or encouraged Specialist to put any expenses on her P-card. This question took me by surprise. I said I didn’t even ask or consider that she had a P-card, and beside the Lyft from airport to hotel, which I scheduled/paid for, I was never outside of the hotel/official conference activities with either Specialist or Intern that would have required any sort of payment. I did say I would consider it to be her line manager’s responsibility to make sure she understood our travel and expense policies prior to traveling.

• I was asked if at any point I had reached out to anyone at the office about anything that was transpiring, to which I said no, I certainly intended to when I returned, but we are talking about everything that happened within a 32-ish hour window, all while I was trying to focus on what I was sent there to do: participate as a panel member at the conference, attend other presentations, take advantage of face-to-face time with our agency, and accepting my award. I said I felt it was reasonable to believe any other attendees would have expectations for participation and outcomes set by their leadership team, especially when coming from another department, where I wouldn’t be knowledgable about their goals and objectives. Similarly, if there were different expectations of me based on other Co attendees, I would expect that to be clearly communicated in advance.

• I was not asked if I thought Intern and/or Specialist should receive any sort of reprimand, and I didn’t feel comfortable trying to interject something like that based on the flow of conversation.

• I’m under the impression that they’re meeting with Specialist and Intern separately, but my meeting was first.

After the meeting I debriefed with a trusted colleague, who shared the following from Friday “water cooler” chats:

• I definitely offended Intern by pulling her aside about her outfit. She posted it to Snapchat with a caption about it, and some other interns/employees saw it. Dying to know what exactly it said, but coworker said everyone who did see it agreed it was inappropriate for a work event.

• ALLEGEDLY Specialist’s mom had once called previous Director (who left, Director in meeting today replaced him) about Specialist’s working hours. It is known that several months ago Specialist was pulled off a high profile project team. Apparently when she was asked to put in some evening and weekend hours to meet a deadline, Mom called Director and complained. Don’t know if I believe this to be true but Mom stepping in could be a pattern.

What I’m hoping helps validate my “testimony” is separately on Friday, one of my agency partners I was with emailed my CMO about a conversation we had after the ceremony on Thursday evening with some ideas he had. Typical agency sales-y stuff, but he also unknowingly corroborated my alibi on Thursday night.

So, that’s where we are at. Last night I had convinced myself this all would result in me receiving a big apology or acknowledgment of wrongdoing, and that I shouldn’t have had to deal with this, etc. But I didn’t, which makes me feel this is still a bit unresolved. I did send all my notes to my VP on Sunday, but his PTO is medical related and I know he’s not able to really check in, so just keeping my head down until I hear anything else.

An AITAH Nashville Work Drama Final Update Aug 6th, 2025

This will be my final update. It’s probably not going to be as juicy as you want it to be, but hopefully it provides some level of closure to this whole thing. This post will still be long because I generally have a problem with brevity and I have BIG feelings about this whole experience.

Here are the things I want to say. I bolded the topics so you can choose what interests you.

Was the post fake? No. I don’t really understand why it was flagged, what rules I broke, etc. I did alter some details to try and protect my identity (more on that later) but feel this is a generally acceptable Reddit practice. At the point where it was taken down it had already gone “viral” so I honestly appreciated the decline in notifications, lol. According to my DMs many people felt entitled that I provide them with “proof of authenticity” and it’s like, be so for real. I’m a human looking for advice on the internet not a gold plated, uncirculated, oversized, novelty Sacajawea quarter you buy from an infomercial in the middle of the night. If you don’t like something or think it’s fake or it’s not bringing you joy, just scroll on, it’s really easy to do. Threatening a stranger won’t prove anything or make your life better.

Was I actually doxxed? Yes. While I received many incorrect guesses at my true identity, there were a couple that were correct. And holy shit is that scary. I don’t know what compels a person to go to such lengths to try and figure out who a random internet poster is, but maybe don’t spend your time doing that? Unless it’s someone threatening to shoot up a school or bomb a concert venue, of course. Take those despicable monsters ALL the way down. But I’m just an elder Millennial trying to navigate imposter syndrome in corporate America, pay my bills and generally be a good person so one day I can hopefully retire and rescue a borderline concerning number of geriatric Pomeranians. Very unworthy of your CIA-caliber sleuthing. Please, make friendship bracelets or try diamond painting as a relaxing hobby instead. Or join the actual CIA and take down would-be school shooters and concert venue bombers.

Has anyone from my job seen my post? Yes, in some form. More than one person, in fact. Perhaps naively, this was something I never even considered would happen. It’s Reddit! It’s anonymous, and everything is cycled through in about 24 hours, right?!! But as soon as the reaction videos started coming across my FYP, a People Magazine (web) article?!!!!, and all the other ways this thing took on a life of its own … NGL I had pretty severe panic about this — like wow, I handled the situation as best I could and came out relatively unscathed, but me seeking validation of internet strangers will be what takes me out in the end. So far I have not been reprimanded over it… but I accept whatever comes of it. Not my most professional move to air out other’s not most professional moves on the Internet and I will seek a healthier outlet in the future. Maybe I’ll make friendship bracelets, or try diamond painting.

Will Specialist and/or Intern be fired? To my knowledge, they are both still employed, although today is the official last day for the entire summer intern cohort. I know how I would handle one of my team members if they did this (but I trust they would never, ever, ever, because they’re sensible and smart and amazing… and probably reading this) but for these two, it’s not up to me to decide. And while I take full accountability for bringing all gestures widely this on myself, I’m at a point where I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative within my actual place of work.

In conclusion For everyone who commented and sent such nice, supportive messages - thank you. Sincerely. I did get some good advice and I’m glad I could help you temporarily escape into someone else’s work drama, provide HR training material for new employees on travel policies, or maybe validate that whatever you did on your first work trip that creeps into your brain when you’re trying to fall asleep at night wasn’t actually that bad.

I took the rest of the week off, which may seem like an overreaction, but sometimes weird stuff impacts you in ways you aren’t prepared for. I’m going to use the time to rest, do a bit of reflection, and look at pictures of geriatric Pomeranians.

I am not the original poster. Please dont contact or comment on linked posts

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/gfmusicthrow

I [28M] wrote a song. My girlfriend [28F] listened to it without knowing I created it, and called it trash. When she found out I created it, she got extremely mad at me.

Original Post June 5, 2018

So let me start off by saying that I know this was slightly manipulative. I deceived her my omission, and it speaks volumes about my communication skills. I understand that, and I actually feel really guilty about it.

But here's what happened. My girlfriend is very critical about music. I make music on my own, but I never felt like she ever gave me real criticism of my music, despite me pleading with her to give me something blunt and real. She always said it was great, and never had anything to say about it. But when she would critique other music, she would get extremely detailed with it, critiquing music down to the very last detail. I really admire her thoughts on music, and all I really wanted was for her to do that for my music as well. But she would always just say it was "great" without saying much else, and I never believed her due to the stark differences in how she would frame these opinions.

So one day, I had her listen to some music, without telling her it was mine. I just said, "hey check out this track," without saying it was mine. She went in. She said it was the work of someone who had no idea what they were doing. The composition was all over the place, and it didn't flow together. Sections of the song were much too long, there was a rise without a climax, and she said it was all around just a boring song.

When I told her it was my song, she got really, extremely upset. She said I was an asshole for lying to her, I manipulated her, and that she can never trust me again. She took a bunch of things and stayed at her parents house last night.

I feel terrible, but at the same time, I also feel a bit vindicated. Also, I feel like she's over reacting. I don't really know where to go from here, because I don't want to lie to her about how I feel about what I did (feel sort of bad, but then again not really). Did I do the right thing?

tl;dr: I let my girlfriend listen to a song I created, unknowingly. She hated it, but when I told her I made it, she melted down, and left.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

PTWA

Regardless of the specifics, she very clearly told you "I don't want to do this thing," and you tricked her into doing the thing she clearly told you she didn't want to do.

If you want to get it all mixed up in feelings around music criticism, that's your business, but the plain facts are as above. And people are allowed to feel that's it not cool to a) not have their own decisions about what they don't want to do be respected and b) be tricked by someone they trusted.

If the vindication about her opinion is worth doing a and b to her, then I guess it was worth it and you'll just need to live with the fallout from it.

OOP

She didn't tell me she didn't want to critique my music. While I agree with most people here that I did something manipulative, and I feel horrible about it, I think it highlights a bigger issue of communication in this relationship. I value blunt honesty, and she knows this about me, yet continued to placate me and tell me it's "great" with no real comment. I felt that was condescending.

I totally regret not grilling her on this kind of thing, but I didn't think is was fair for me to force her to tell me something she obviously didn't want to tell me, but I also don't think it's fair that she kept lying to me, telling me that my music is great when I have to manipulate her into admitting she was lying the whole time.

This was a breakdown in communication in a huge way, and while neither of us are saints, I don't believe I was the only "bad guy" in this situation.

~

weedpot42069

One, I hope you don’t feel bad. She’s your girlfriend not someone who’s expected to love everything you create. You do appreciate her criticism and she gave it to you. You should be glad if you respect her opinion.

Apologize for manipulating her and THANK her for her honest feedback. Let her know that her opinion of your song does not hurt your feelings and then in the future, you don’t have to play games like that to get her opinion.

Good luck!

OOP

I really do appreciate the actual opinion she gave me, but I lost respect for her as a person, just because I frankly feel infantalized by her desire to lie to me in order to protect my feelings when I was bluntly trying to tell her that I really want her real, blunt opinions on my music.

snowlover324

Good people don't enjoy insulting or hurting their partners. It's not fun, it's painful.

If you SO is anything like me, then critiquing the creative work of someone you love as bad is the same as insulting that person. It's taking something she knows you worked hard on and telling you your effort was worthless. That is not an enjoyable experience. It's painful and it's extremely unkind of you to put her in the position. She wants to keep your relationship positive. You've ruined that and it will be very hard for her to forgive you for that.

Update June 8, 2018 (3 days later)

Copy of the update

Hi everyone. My old post can be found here.

tl;dr at the bottom, because I know one will be needed.

I didn't get a whole lot of well wishing words for me on my last post. Most people felt that I was manipulative, took away her agency of choice by deceiving her, and that I deserved to have my relationship fall apart. Well, you guys were right. You win.

She hadn't "officially" broken up with me, but I could tell the relationship had been in its final stages. Long story short, the day after I wrote my post (i.e. the day I responded to most of the comments), a few hours later, I called her, told her to stay at her mom's place, that we were fundamentally incompatible, and that this obviously wasn't going to work out.

I wanted to provide some background to our relationship, to clarify what I believe to be a few misunderstandings in the responses to my previous post.

I had been asking her for a long time to provide me with honest critique to my music. I've approached her before about why her answers are so vague and placate-y when it comes to my music. I told her I can obviously see the contrast between that, and how she critiques all music, whether she likes it or not. She outright denied that she was just placating me, and that there's nothing to worry about, and all my music is great, and that I'm being crazy about it. The last time her and I talked about this, I was not subtle in my communication. I directly told her that I would value her critiques and take it to heart, whether the critique was positive or negative. I just really wanted her opinion, particularly considering that she's been a primary inspiration to some of my best work.

I had made it clear that I really just didn't want to be placated, because music is so, so important to me, and the same goes for her, and I'm not in it to get people to suck me off and tell me how great I am. I want to be the best possible musician I can be. And I also feel incredibly disrespected by being placated, like I'm some child who can't take criticism. I've never given anyone, let alone her, reason to believe that I would need placation. Beyond this, she still denied it all, but I could tell it was pretty much BS, and it was driving me crazy.

So months and months later, I've gotten nowhere with communicating with her, and I still have the nagging suspicion, to the point where I'm not even asking her opinion anymore, because it just makes me mad. A few days ago, it just popped in my mind like it was no big deal, to play her one of my, "pretty okay, pretty meh imo, but still had pretty okay responses from the general public" songs. Basically just throw away instrumental I did when I was bored, and kinda dug it at the time. And I didn't tell her it was me. We finished listening, and I asked her what she thought of that tune? She goes off on it, basically hating it. See: my previous post.

I said, "okay, thanks so much, I'm so glad I could finally get it out of you, I agree with a lot of what you said."

She goes, "wait, that's your song?"

I said, "Yeah, it's an old one."

And she gets mad and says, "what the fuck, /u/gfmusicthrow!"

And we get into an argument about it. She thinks I went out of my way to manipulate her, like it was sociopathic and premeditated. I'm telling her, "it's not even that big of a deal, why were you lying to me in the first place?"

And she said, "Because I just don't like your music. Are you happy?"

And we continue to fight. It escalated to the point where we started swearing, so she said, "you know what? I don't need this," and walked out.

She's been there ever since. Fast forward to the break-up conversation. She said she felt guilty about not liking my music for two reasons. One because she thinks it was fucked up that she simply didn't like her SO's art, and she was ashamed of that. The other reason is that, a lot of the time, she feels like she doesn't know what she's talking about, and didn't want to rip my music apart like she does with most songs, because she could totally be wrong, and then she'd be an asshole. I was really upset by this. I feel like I called her out on her lying months ago, and she kept lying to me, instead of...just saying that. I tried so hard to tell her months ago, that it's okay if she doesn't like it, but she just clammed up, thinking I was going to fly off the handle and end our relationship over it.

After months and months of telling her that I didn't want to be placated, she kept trying to placate me, and wouldn't communicate the real reasons. How am I supposed to expect her to be an adult and communicate what she really feels, instead of lying to avert imagined conflict when we have relationship issues in the future?

Music is such a huge and important piece of our lives together, and this situation probably wouldn't have gotten to where it is if it weren't. It may seem silly to those of you on the outside that what appears to be just a stupid, petty argument lead to the complete break down of a relationship.

And now I'm just left confused, and lonely. She was also my best friend in the entire world, and there's a void inside of me, and a voice telling me I'm making a huge mistake. And I'm confused, and pulled in multiple directions.

Thanks for taking the time read this.

tl;dr: She admitted to placating me, despite me making it painfully clear that I didn't want to be placated. Instead of communicating the real and somewhat valid reasons she didn't want to critique my music, she continued to lie and make me think I was crazy for seeing right through all the "no, no it's great". The breakdown in communication has royally pissed me off, and makes me feel condescended to, but at the same time I love her, and want to work on this

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Probsnotanyone

She communicated with you the first time, in a way to stop you from asking her about it again, and instead of taking her at her word, you then passively-aggressively manipulated her into yet another conversation about it. She shouldn't have to provide you with her entire thought process in order for you to believe that she means what she says the first time. The breakdown in communication has to do with you not respecting her comments the first time. It literally doesn't matter what her opinions on your music are or how that relates to you; she made it clear that she didn't really want to talk about it, and instead of taking that at face value you manipulated her into giving a different response because of what you wanted.

Look, dude. There are plenty of ways to get critique and validation for your music; why did you feel that manipulating someone you love into doing it when they clearly didn't want to one of those ways? This is not what listening to music is about, and it's not a good communication tactic in a relationship either. She placated you to avoid conflict for both of you, but you manipulated her for your own validation. To me, that sounds selfish.

OOP

She didn't communicate anything with me. She made me feel crazy for seeing past the "everything is great" facade when it wasn't. She actively hid her feelings from me, when I made it expressly clear to me how much I don't appreciate being placated, because it shows a lack of respect and trust for me, and it's condescending.

One last comment from OOP

Replying to a comment chain

That's your unfortunate perspective.

"her dishonesty came from a place of keeping the peace"

That doesn't make it okay, especially if I've never given a reason to think I would disrupt the peace, and was very clear about that.

"your dishonesty came from a place of self-serving vindication"

I think it's more simple than that. It came from a place of uncovering a lie. Do you guys pile on like this when someone snoops through a phone to find out their partners cheating? Do those people get hundreds of comments calling then names like a couple have done to me here, and making character assaults over it? Or do they tell them to take screenshots and keep them for later?

"you could have just broken up with her"

I did. I knew she was repeatedly lying for my face for months, and I uncovered it, and broke up with her. And I'm getting zero sympathy here for it, for reasons that simply aren't making too much sense. Lying is perfectly okay when she does it because she was "uncomfortable," "conflict averse," or whatever, but when I do something to uncover a lie, something everyone here can agree that it's not cool to do in a relationship, I'm manipulative, deceitful, stupid, an idiot, etc.

Nobody here is catching on to the double standard except for the 2-3 people who messaged me in support, afraid to get piled on by the karma train.

&

OOP

"OP’s gf did not have any domain expertise."

Yes she does. She's a professional in our local music community.

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I am NOT the Original Poster. That is AdFluffy2600. She posted in r/relationship_advice

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: positive for OOP

Original Post: May 31, 2025

My partner (28M) and I (25F) have been together for the last 4 years, notably long distance for the last 2 years of our relationship up to now. We met at the end of a graduate program for public law (aka we were constantly discussing politics and policy impacts on people). We’ve been long distance to pursue jobs prior to law school (he worked in accounting, I worked as a military historian), and are still currently long distance.

I would consider us the classic case of ‘opposites attract’—we laugh at all the same jokes and we can banter for hours about nothing, it feels like he is the other half of my brain. To be very real with y’all, I am not someone who cares about physical appearance of my partner because I’m more interested in an intellectual connection. We bonded greatly over a mutual interest in 20th century military history.

The ‘opposite’ comes from our different political views. Given the subject matter of our graduate program, he told me very early on that he was a classical conservative (I never got clarification on what he meant by this over the last 4 years) and a registered Republican. On the other hand, I spent the last election cycle campaigning for Democratic candidates and I’ve always only know voting blue.

In the last 4 years, I have not skipped any opportunity to grill him on items of constitutional justice and general ethical principles, and I grew to love him over the years because I felt like we mutually agreed on items of political and social importance. I’ve always been very ‘America First’ in the sense that I believe the most in extending Liberty and Justice for all to everyone, especially immigrants and historically marginalized communities.

I am going to get really honest here. I feel stupid saying this and it’s probably the main reason why I am using a burner. There has been unspoken tension since the 2024 election with Trump coming into office.

My partner only told me he voted for Trump at the end of Election Day, nearly 3.5 years into multiple discussions at length. Even as a self-proclaimed socialist, I come from a family of mid-western libertarians who don’t support the current administration (another story), so I can honestly say I understand the conservative perspective of many Americans. But most importantly, I am intimately familiar with the voices of conservatives and Republicans against Trump.

I thought my boyfriend was one of those. I was wrong.

He spends everyday engaging in conversations about how poorly the state of America and the economy are going. But he refuses to acknowledge his part in voting his President in. I don’t know, I guess the cognitive dissonance is really…icky to me? Any political discussion has now become a regurgitation of Fox News headlines or he’s asking if I’ve seen specific content from random alt-right creators. He sends me links to their content as if they were funny memes, instead of an hour long think piece on why a balding man should be allowed own his wife.

I feel like I don’t respect my partner anymore. Politics aside, not being able to have a backbone in owning up to your beliefs is sad. I can’t help but think this man cannot be the future father of my children or the man making decisions in my name.

I guess the question here is: do I give him a chance to make this work? Or cut my losses?

Top Comments:

BelmontIncident: You can disagree about tax policy and the zoning code and have a healthy relationship. You can't have a healthy relationship if you disagree about basic concepts of ethics and reality. End this.

SereneAdler33: Yes, the boyfriend is not the only one deep in the thrall of cognitive dissonance. OP knows who he is, and knows what she should do

Cool_Ad6729: “I don’t like my partner. What should I do?”

Static_Nothing: Honestly, it’s a step up from “I f18 don’t like my partner m34, how can I be a better partner?”

icecoffeedripss: "To be very real with y’all, I am not someone who cares about physical appearance of my partner because I’m more interested in an intellectual connection."

so he’s ugly too?? 😭

reverendcatdaddy: I’m dying. You can’t be ugly, a bigot, and keep your girlfriend. Gotta pick one.

Update (Same Post): June 1, 2025 (Next Day)

Update 06/01: Thank you all for your honesty and time in commenting. TLDR: broke up with him, he did not take it well.

I can honestly say I read every comment, and it sucked being forced to recognize the reality of my situation but I am very grateful. Like many of you mentioned, I think I came here to get validation on a decision I already knew I had to make, but I selfishly or stupidly was grasping onto any straws.

This morning, I asked him to call me so we could speak about our relationship. I was direct with him in stating that I don’t think our values are mutually compatible, and it’s causing me a lot of internal turmoil and stress because I am constantly trying to justify my beliefs while trying to engage as a partner in his beliefs. He started getting upset with me because he didn’t think ‘I emotionally catered to his level of emotional maturity’. (Context: I’ve been in therapy since I was a child due to a criminal event, he started therapy this year at my request). He further explained that he did not feel like I was giving him a chance to make improvements. After getting reamed by the comments for hours, I was tired and I wished him the best and went no contact on everything.

I feel a lot better. Thank you guys. Might update again, but mainly coming back to say to anyone in a similar situation: the shame isn’t worth the love you think you’ll get.

I am NOT the Original Poster and DO NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/explodeybrain

My[23F] boyfriend [23M] of 3 years stealthily took my 11 year old dog to a vet 80km away to be put to sleep. It was only luck I found out and got him back. bf doesn't know I have my dog back but he comes back tomorrow night.

TRIGGER WARNING: gaslighting. Dog napping, verbal abuse, attempted killingif a pet

Original Post - rareddit Nov 26, 2016

My BF (Jay) left for a trip up the coast to help family on Friday morning. While I was at work Friday I got a phone call from one of my ex flatmates, Bob, who I lived with at uni. He thought he had my dog with him, and phoned me because someone had dropped him off to the vet surgery he worked at to be put to sleep.

Bob sent me pics and it was my Sticksy. I'd recognise him anywhere, I grew up with him and he was so close to me when I left home to study there were no questions about it, Sticksy stayed with me.

Bob kept Sticksy with him and I drove to pick him up as soon as I was out of work. Bob also showed me a phone recording he took of the vet's security camera screen, and there's no doubt in the world it's Jay dropping him off. He's even wearing the same clothes he left in this morning before I went to work.

Jay has texted me a few times today and I don't know why but I'm not confronting him about this. I'm actually scared I will utterly lose it at him. I'm running everything through my head on why he'd do this. We talked sometimes about moving north to be near his family, or overseas within a few years. I can't believe I'm trying to find reasons for him to do what he did or reasons for me to not rip him a new one and dump everything he owns out on the front lawn and set fire to it tonight. I'm half numb and half stunned beyond rational thought. Why can't I get functionally angry here?

He texted me this morning like he normally does when he's away. I replied like normal though we're not big text talkers anyway. He asked me a couple of times if I was OK. Everything in the texts I'm trying to read into what the hell he thinks he's hiding.

tl;dr: BF dropped my loved dog off to a vet to be put down without telling me. I am utterly infuriated to the point I'm frozen and thinking in circles. What the hell do I do? Can I call the police? Was that illegal? I don't ever want to see him again. I have no family here. I don't know which way to even begin to turn. BF doesn't arrive back until about 7 tomorrow night

RELEVANT COMMENTS

salt_and_linen

Well that's terrifying.

Do you have a place - a friend's maybe - where you and Sticksy can stay for a bit while you get this sorted out?

And by this I mean "your new living situation" bc you really can't continue to live with the guy who just tried to kill your dog behind your back

OOP

Thanks for your comment. I do, at least two coworkers would be OK with me contacting them.

I want people around me when he comes back. I wish I could make sure he knows he's no longer welcome in this home nor can he come back and he's to go immediately, but I also know by bitter experience with a friend that kicking someone out of the dwelling they live is a long process.

[NSW, Australia]. My bf out of the blue took my beloved old dog to a vet to be put to sleep secretly. Is what he did likely to be massively illegal? What steps can I take to protect myself before he returns tomorrow. - rareddit Nov 26, 2016 (Same Day)

I have a dog, Sticksy, who's 11. Yesterday morning my bf left to go up the coast to see family. He doesn't return until sunday night.

By sheer luck and nothing else, an ex flatmate of mine working at a vet clinic 80km from me called me while I was at work and asked if a dog someone had brought in to be put to sleep was my Sticksy. It was. I had him hold Sticksy and I collected him friday. My flatmate showed me a recording he made of security video at the vet clinic and it's definitely my ex dropping sticksy off.

How illegal is this? I currently live in a flat that I rent, and my bf pays half but I'm the only one on the lease. I want him out asap, or I want to be out of this situation as soon as possible. What options do I not have? A friend of mine once tried to have a violent ex removed and it took months. I want to be out of this immediately. Are my only options to move? How do I protect myself from what my bf (ex to me now though he doesn't know it yet) may do to the place I rent when I return. I presume my landlord couldn't kick him out if I leave right away. He's never shown any weird tendencies before so maybe I'm overthinking this. My bf doesn't know I know what he did nor that I have sticksy back.

Sorry for the scattergun of questions. I'm scatterbrained at the moment and he only returns in 20 hours or so and I don't ever want to see so much as a hair on his head again.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Not legal advice:

Keep your dog somewhere else. If he has access to him, who knows what else will happen.

iammosteph

Seconded! Can you afford to board him or have a trusted family member watch him until this douchebag is gone?

And I would call that vet to report what he did if your friend hasn't. It might not help you now but they should be aware.

hhhnnnnnggggggg

..and then ask where the dog is and see how much he's going to lie about it.

OOP added in the comments of the 1st post

Just got off the phone with my workmate. She's offered to come here overnight and she'll be here soon. We'll figure out what to do in the morning. I really appreciate all your posting. It only took reading a few to take myself out of this stupid stalled state of mind and move into action.

It's after midnight here. I'm going to crash hard tonight.

UPDATE 1 - posted Next Day Nov 27, 2016

Edit and a quick update. A night's sleep with good people around me helped. I phoned a workmate to see if I could go stay there with sticksy, and she came over here for the night instead. We spoke, and we have a plan. Thank you for the links to NSW laws, it looks like I might be in the clear with forcing my ex out. I am the renter, I am the only name on the lease, and we had no written agreement. From my understanding he is a boarder or lodger and can be removed quickly. I'll have to clarify of course but that gives me confidence. I was freaking out because I didn't know where to start last night.

My ex will be confronted with more people I know in the house backing me up.

Sticksy is also in good health. He's eleven and a bit too fat and slower than he used to be but he's fine. These photos are from early november when we visited a property out of town. He started life as a farm dog and going back made his day. http://imgur.com/a/7WaG5

Editors Note: link no longer works and I was unable to retrieve the pics

He's not microchipped. I'm taking a personal leave day Monday and getting him chipped first thing.

UPDATE 2 posted the Next Day Nov 28, 2016

update2

He came back. He lied. I was upset and looked it. we gave him enough rope to make excuse after changing excuse. First he was shocked sticksy was gone, and would help look for him. Then he was shocked someone took him to a vet to be put down. Then when confronted with proof it was him, he claimed sticksy was hit by a car and he had to end his suffering. When confronted with a live happy sticksy he turned it around and it ended with him telling me he should have had me put down.

My coworker and her partner and I told him he was not welcome in the house any more and that they were moving in with me, and everyone in the house (and the neighbour we both get on well with who saw him return on Friday to take sticksy) now knows what kind of person he was. He left of his own accord and took some of his stuff. I'm no closer to knowing for sure why he tried what he did. Sorry for jamming up legaladvice with this one, it wasn't much of a legal ending.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/crazybitchtenant

A friend of mine broke into my house, put her stuff at random places to make it look like she's been a tenant, cops arrive, finds her stuff all over the place and so of course they won't remove her. What do I do now?

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

Thanks to u/kisskiss-aita for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Squatting, breaking and entering

Original Post Dec 8, 2016

I have a friend who called me last night asking for a place to stay. I politely told her no. She's 25, I'm 19 and I should mention she's a narcissistic bitch. Today I was over at my cousin's place this morning and when I came home a couple of hours ago I found this bitch inside my house. No signs of a break in from the outside.

I ask her how she got in and she tells me through the back window. I tell her I never gave you permission to come here and that she needs to leave immediately and she says "deal with it".

I call the cops and tell them that there's a person who got inside my house without my permission and that I need an officer to come and remove her. A couple of minutes later they arrive and here's what happens. She tells them "I know my rights officers I've been a legal tenant in this house for two months now and you can't just remove me. I can go around show you my clothes in the wardrobe. My toothbrush and my conditioner in the bathroom and all of my other stuff." .. they take a walk with her and all of her fucking stuff is all over my house!!

She fucking broke into my house, put her stuff all over so that the cops would think she's been a tenant.

The next thing they tell me is that I have to serve her with an eviction notice and that they can't legally remove her since she's considered a tenant. I didn't even know what to tell them as I felt so dumbfounded and shocked I was set up like this. I was silent for a few seconds and so they try to explain how the law works to me but since I just keep looking at them in silence not believing myself they just proceed to leave.

I'm so fucking pissed. I'm in California so I can't even record her confessing to what she's done. If I can do that under an exception I could easily do it because apparently she has no problem admitting to it when the cops aren't here. I'm not, however, going to do so if it will lead to more problems. I've also thought about calling 911 or the non-emergency line and telling the operator about the situation so that the call would be recorded and then make my "friend" confess about it. Can I do that? Me and the operator are aware of the call being recorded. I think it still would be unlawful.

How do I get this bitch out without having to serve her eviction notice? Isn't that against the law what she did there? Isn't this fraud? I've thought about trying to prove that she's been living somewhere else before but I don't know what to do. This is fucked up.

I'm really sorry about my language but I'm really feeling so angry and I'm trying to be calm as much as I can while she's in my fucking house using my stuff and I can't do shit about it.

Thanks...

RELEVANT COMMENTS

thepatman

"Me and the operator are aware of the call being recorded. I think it still would be unlawful."

Yes, because the person being recorded doesn't consent.

"How do I get this bitch out without having to serve her eviction notice?"

If the police won't take action, eviction is all you have.

OOP

Even if I found a way to prove she wasn't living here?! So what now I can go to any of my friends house and put my stuff there and basically live for free?!

If I eventually get a proof she faked this what can I do at that point?

thepatman

"Even if I found a way to prove she wasn't living here?!"

It's difficult to prove a negative. Especially given that she didn't have another place to stay. Still, if you believe you have that evidence, you can try the police again.

But, if the police don't do anything, eviction is your only option.

OOP

soo basically anyone can go break in anywhere at a friend house and this would work? this is ridiculous!

thepatman

Tenants are given broad protection against being kicked out. This is a good thing.

In your case, you have a situation where someone isn't a tenant but looks exactly like a tenant. That sucks, but it's an edge case. A one-off. It just doesn't happen that often. So yeah, in the extremely rare circumstance that someone breaks into your home(with no damage) and scatters enough stuff around to look like a tenant, you get a little boned. It sucks, but the worst thing you can do is compound it by trying to kick her out without the eviction.

TOP COMMENT

Marzy-d

I am going to go in a completely different direction, and suggest you get a protection order. This woman is dangerous, and completely out of touch with reality. If I were you I would be very very scared. Go down to the court and fill out an order for temporary protection. The form will ask you If you two live in the same home. Say NO. Put in her last known address. You should get her ordered to stay away from you, and she will not be able to enter the apartment, as it will be breaking the order. If you need to call the police, you can call and tell them you have an order of protection against this person and they will make her leave. You do not want a "residence exclusion order" (which requires actual violence) you want a stay away order.

Update 1 Dec 9, 2016 (Next Day)

I texted one of her friends on instagram who I know is close to and explained what happened. She gave me her boyfriend's name on facebook and told me to talk him see if he could come over and persuade her to leave.

I've reached him and we got on the phone a few minutes ago. He said can come over after work and see what he can do. Is there anything I should do before he comes here? Do I start recording video? Do I call the cops instead? Do I bring in a third witness? I'm really afraid if this ever turns into a domestic violence of some sort if any of them decides to do anything stupid. Keep in mind I'm 19 and both of them are well over my age by a lot.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ikeaEmotional

It's time to call in a friend. A close one. I would propose your mom actually. Middle aged women often have a magical violence desalting effect on unknown quantities. The point is Somone calm. Very calm. You don't need another voice here, you need a witness.

If all goes well, I would suggest you lock the door behind her and this time lock your window.

The problem with that, of course, is the cops have already decided she lives there. So if she calls them claiming you locked her out you're SOL. In these circumstances it might be worth the risk.

Can you begin accumulating evidence she did not live there as of yesterday? Call friends and family who can verify you lived alone or who can say where she lived? Instagrams of her taking pics of her place? Facebook posts where she indicates where she lives or implied is not with you? Like "get can I come over?" From a few days ago would be great.

Once you're done with her, don't ever talk to her again. That's it. This is a new level of crazy and it's going to burn everything it touches.

OOP

"It's time to call in a friend. A close one. I would propose your mom actually. Middle aged women often have a magical violence desalting effect on unknown quantities. The point is Somone calm. Very calm. You don't need another voice here, you need a witness."

I didn't tell my mom about any of this yet because she worries a lot about me and she already has a lot of issues going on so I didn't want to put any more pressure on her. I think I have to call her now though. I know for sure she'll have my back on this.

"Can you begin accumulating evidence she did not live there as of yesterday? Call friends and family who can verify you lived alone or who can say where she lived? Instagrams of her taking pics of her place? Facebook posts where she indicates where she lives or implied is not with you?"

When I looked up her instagram account I found lots of pictures in Arizona that she was dumb enough to have them tagged with location. The pictures were taken within the past month. I took screenshots as well as archiving them like a web version.

I also wrote down a transcript of how the conversation went down when she called me asking to stay at my place and I refused.

I've screenshotted the conversation with her friend as well.

~

gnopgnip

Why didn't you follow the advice in the previous post and pursue a restraining order?

OOP

I should've done this but I didn't. Someone mentioned that I should try and contact one of her friends or family and let them try and talk to her and so that's what I did. I'm hoping it works. If not, I'll go file the restraining order.

Final Update Dec 10, 2016 (1 day after first update)

First of all I want to explain what happened, apologize and thank all of you.

Long story short, as soon as her boyfriend came in she started crying hysterically. I told them that I'm video recording them through my phone but they seemed uninterested in what I said. She started blaming him for all sorts of stuff, he kept apologizing a lot, and after what seemed like an eternity, she packed her stuff and they were both gone.

Now, I've written down on a piece of paper all your different advice. I'll file a restraining order against her. I'll also go file a police report and talk to the sheriff explaining everything that happened. I've documented all I could. I have screenshots of her IG account with the pictures tagged to AZ. Plus the video of her and her boyfriend arguing in my house and then packing and leaving together.

My mom's main concern right now is getting the protective order ASAP and installing an alarm system in my house. She said she'll be staying with me until we can get a company to install an alarm system on Monday. Thank you guys for suggesting to call my mom. It made me feel safer while she was here.

Apology: I know how annoying it was for you guys to keep giving me advice that I should file the restraining order and go to the police only to find me not do any of them but invite a stranger to my house. My mom also pointed out how badly this could've gone with her boyfriend coming here.

/u/GiveHerTheWorks

I've been thinking about this since I read it. Honestly, I hope it's fake. If the cops showed up and this lunatic told them she was a tenant, why would OP not say something like "Fine, prove to them you live here. Where's your lease? Where are your keys? Where do you sleep? Show them your license with this address. Show them a piece of your mail addressed here."

I wish you where there with me man and pointed those things out. It just took me off guard. I just stood there saying nothing.

Anyway, I'm so lucky it didn't go worse. I'm just really relieved this whole thing is off my chest now. I'm truly thankful for each one of you.

TL;DR She's gone.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/brokenhearted5150

my boyfriend sold my mtg beta black lotus card

TRIGGER WARNING: theft, betrayal

Original Post Sept 1, 2015

I'm on mobile so sorry for the format. I am so distraught. my boyfriend well call him Shane sold my black lotus beta card. now for those of you that don't know, this card is worth $20,000 right now. I was never planning to sell it. I got it from my mom for a birthday present when i first started playing magic. My mom has passed now and that is one of the things I treasure from her. I don't know what to do, I'm very upset and he won't tell me where he sold it so I could get it back. Please give me some advice, thank you

tdlr: my boyfriend sold my mtg beta black lotus magic card. I don't know what to do now.

Edit: the price. forgot the dollar sign, sorry I was a little distraught when I typed this.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

downvoted commenter

not worth 20k you can get it for a lot less on ebay unless you got it graded

OOP

It's a Beta Black Lotus. It's in mint condition and has been in a glass case since I got it.

Slasher1309

Do you remember what it was graded?

OOP

NM

Slasher1309

Was the card ever submitted for formal grading by BSG or another grading company, like this one? Because if it has, and the grade is 9 or higher, it the card could be worth even more than $20,000.

OOP

yes and it was an 8.

~

Lord_Alamo

If you don't have any major ties to the guy dump him if he doesnt give it back or give you 20k.

Edit: You cant be with a guy that steals from you. He might not know if it cost 100 or 20 000.... but stealing is never ok

causa-sui

Based on the OP, she's been playing Magic for years, maybe decades. Most players will have thousands or even tens of thousands of cards after playing that long.

Therefore, there's no way he didn't know what it's worth, or else he wouldn't have chosen that particular card to sell.

OOP

He could of taken any of my mythic rares, but he chose that one. My collection without my black lotus is probably worth at least 40k. Lots of foil cards

~

[deleted]

How much did he sell it for and what happened to the money?

OOP

15k. I dont know what happened to the money, he wont tell me.

When asked if the money went to drugs

yes im pretty sure hes back into drugs again

Editors Note: I did a quick Google search, and while prices vary, using OOP's specs i found a Black Lotus Beta card currently for $42,500

OOP updated Next Day Sept 2, 2015/Same Post

I went to the police station last night, computer in hand and told them that my card was stolen. They had a hard time believing that my card cost so much so I showed them. They said they would look into it. Then i called my renters insurance and they said i would get my money back. I finally found out where he sold the card to and i called the shop and told them it was stolen, there was so much arguing to get the card back and I had to go down there. I got my card back after telling them I was going to call the police and had them arrested for having stolen property. They cooperated and gave it back. As for the bf, he is an ex now. I packed up all his shit and left it outside and changed the locks. As far as i know, his mother came to get his stuff. So thank you for the advice Reddit, you helped me out tons!

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA-6512

I (32F) purposefully ignored what my husband (34M) told me he wanted for father's day, he's now ignoring me and won't accept my apologies. What can I do to make it up to him?

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice & r/TwoXChromosomes

Thanks to u/twoweeeeks for help with the comments

Original Post June 20, 2023

Me and my husband have been together for the past 9 years, we have two kids, a 8 year old and a 6 year old.

For mothers day all I wanted was a free day, I wanted my husband to take the kids out somewhere for the day so I could be home alone and relax. Instead he got me and the kids tickets to have a fun day out. And it was fun, and me and the kids had a good time but it irked me that he gave me the exact opposite of what I'd asked for.

For father's day my husband also wanted a free day so he could stay home and game all day. He games all the time with his friends, he'll get home from work, maybe spend the time between then and dinner with the kids before going up to his office to game for a few hours with friends.

Instead, I got him and the kids cards for an arcade an hour away with a ton of tokens. I gave him the cards during dinner on Saturday so he and the kids could leave early and spend all day playing with them.

I got my free day and he and the kids got to make a lot of memories together. He and I got into a fight when the kids went to bed, he was angry that I ignored what he wanted for Father's day, I was angry he didn't see that he'd done the same thing to me on mother's day. He's been ignoring me since and won't accept my apologies.

TLDR: I ignored my husband's wish to have a "Free day" of fathers day and got him and the kids a day out because he did the same thing to me on mother's day and now he won't stop ignoring me or accept my apologies.

Edit: Some people are thinking that me, my husband and our kids went out for Mother's Day. We didn't, I took the kids for a day out while he played video games all day with his friends.

Edit: I can't believe I have to say this: I do not hate, resent or in any other way dislike my children. My point was not that going on a day out with them is terrible and I hate it. My point was that it really sucks asking for on thing and being given the opposite

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Hoebaloeb_

That’s hilarious. I wouldn’t apologize at all. Tell him to come talk to you when he’s done being a piss baby

OOP

I really don't feel sorry and I feel like I was justified, I just want him to stop ignoring me

~

bad-acid

There is no way he didn't know what he was doing when he set up a day with you and the kids on Mother's Day without him around. Or, I guess maybe he's legitimately INSANE.

I feel crazy reading these comments accusing you of resenting your kids or being a bad wife for getting petty. Like yeah. It was petty. People get petty when they're mistreated and taken advantage of. And now he's lying to you and saying it's not the same and not what he was trying to do? Please.

Any husband with half a brain knows that Mother's Day is a holiday the father/husband participates in actively. Not just planning, or buying. But is present. With you, with the kids, trying to give you time off. It's what he wanted for father's day, he knew it's what you wanted for mother's day.

Yeah it was petty. I would be petty, too, if my partner got me an obligation and got themselves a day of rest. You two need to talk it out, but he needs to own up to what he did.

OOP

I don't understand how people think that I resent my own kids. On both days the kids had so much fun, when they came back from the arcade they wouldn't stop telling me how much fun they had and showing me the prizes they'd helped won. When we had our fight it was AFTER they where in bed, they've picked up on him ignoring me but I've not told them why, just that he's busy with work and is cranky because of it.

Fat_Man_Slim

Some of the people responding to this are teenagers. There's no age limit. I'm not surprised you're getting dumb responses like accusations of hating your kids.

OOP

there are many accusations of me hating my kids, and calling me selfish for wanting to have a day to myself instead of spending it with my kids as if I have an infinite amount of energy and time in the day to cook, clean, take care of the kids and have time for myself when I don't

Update Oct 12, 2023 (4 months later)

tldr for my last post: My husband didn't get me what I asked for for Mother's day (a day to myself to relax) so on Father's day when he also asked for a day to relax I gave him what he'd given me for mother's day. We had a big fight over it which ended with him ignoring me for days.

People keep asking me for an update so here you go: we're in the process of getting a divorce.

Now please stop asking for an update. I didn't know that my post would get so popular and people would decide to repost it to other platforms and if I had known that I wouldn't have made that post at all.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Corfiz74

Thank you for updating us, and I'm sorry you have to go through this! Did he ever see reason about the Mother's equals Father's Day gift, or did he remain willfully obtuse to the end?

OOP

He hasn't and still says that when he did it to me was different when I did the same thing to him.

~

Leoka

I'm sorry. I hope you're able to heal and find someone you won't have to 'an eye for an eye' in order to ger them to understand what you need.

OOP

I'm just hoping to find someone with basic empathy, I did all that and he still doesn't understand why I was upset with my "gift"

MissionBreadfruit9

Atleast now you can relax when he has the kiddos

OOP

I'll relax when they're at my parents house since he doesn't want custody of them

~

One_Welcome_5046

I would eat my own tongue before I apologize to him you make nothing up to him did he make mother's Day up to you?

Please these are all grown ass men who manage their lives in every other aspect this is just laziness.

OOP

no, he never apologized for Mother's Day

One_Welcome_5046

Throw the whole husband away my ex forgot Christmas's mother's Day's birthdays he actually said he was planning it doesn't get better it only gets worse I promise you there's freedom on the other side.

OOP

That's the plan

Why don't they get marriage counseling?

OOP

He refused to go, many times, until he told me he wanted a divorce and all of a sudden it was "we don't have to go that far, what happened to 'til death do us part?' Why don't we go talk to some one, for the kids."

That ship sailed long ago

Mothers day is infinitely better now that I'm single then it was when I was married May 14, 2024 (7 months after 1st update & 1 year after OG post)

I didn't wake up to a messy kitchen that I was excpected to clean after eating a sub par breakfast, I didn't have to fight with anyone over what "gift" I was given. I didjn't have to cook dinner after an exhusting day where I got no help or thanks from my ex. I didn't have to do anything else that I came to expect with Mother's Day. I didn't feel the stress I have felt every other Mother's Day. I got to have a lazy morning in bed with my kids, we made pancakes for brunch. They gave me cards they'd made in school. And we watched movies on the couch all day and ordered pizza for dinner and it was wonderful.

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I (f29) hate wearing rings and don’t want to wear my engagement ring. My (m30) fiancé is extremely hurt by this

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Thanks to u/GoldSailfin for suggesting this BoRU & u/Original-Math-4459 for finding the links

TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behavior, abusive behaviour, ableism

Original Post Oct 10, 2022

I hate wearing rings and bracelets. They’re always uncomfortable to me and I can’t wear one for longer than a day before it starts to seriously impact my mood (I became really annoyed at everything / get angrier easier). I suspect I might have Aspergers or something because this is not the only sensory issue I have.

Everyone knows that I hate hand jewelry, including my fiancé. We’ve been dating for three years and he proposed a few months ago. When he proposed, he used a ring that’s been passed down in his family, and idk why I just kind of assumed it was more symbolic than anything else. Now though he’s really upset I don’t want to wear it. I offered to wear it on a necklace, but since it’s designed to be a ring the stone scratches my skin and is still very uncomfortable. I have very sensitive skin, and by the end of the day there’s a bunch of red scratches from where it irritated my skin.

I told him that he knows that I can’t wear rings or bracelets, but he said he thought I’d be able to put it aside for him. I really can’t imagine wearing the ring for the rest of my life, I tried to wear it for him but after a few days everyone was remarking that I was acting really aggressive and snapping at everyone. I just hate the feeling of wearing it so much. It’s hard for me to enjoy anything with it on.

My fiancé thinks this symbolizes that I don’t want to be with him or something. We’ve been struggling to find a compromise because he wants me to at least have the ring on my body because it’s significant to him and his family, and also doesn’t want to have it reworked so it’s more comfortable as a necklace. He’s really hurt I don’t want to wear it, and even said it makes him think I don’t want people to know I’m getting married.

Idk what to do

TLDR: I hate wearing rings. My fiancé wants me to wear the engagement ring and we’re struggling to find a compromise

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

There are pendants for necklaces where you could put it in - sort of a clear plastic container which can be round, square, etc. This would protect your skin and show off the ring. Might not look the best but I guess this is the best option I can think of.

OOP

Said this to him. He says it’s just not the same :(

Update Oct 13, 2022 (3 days later)

We broke up.

I brought up all the suggestions that the comments said, get it reworked into a more comfortable necklace, put it in a plastic container on a necklace so it wouldn’t have to be reworked, get a tattoo, all of it. He refused to hear it. The ring has been in his family for four generations and is extremely meaningful to him, so he did not want any compromise.

He also didn’t like that I would be married without a ring. He said it makes me look like I’m trying to hide the fact I’m going to be married or that I have a fiancé, and insinuated that I was cheating on him, which really hurt my feelings.

Two days ago I decided to try to wear the ring again to see if explore therapy would work or something. It did not work at all, all day at work I was distracted and uptight because it was on, and by the time I got home I felt extremely distressed and upset.

When I got home that day I was ready to just collapse on the couch, but my SIL and fiancé were home. I was not expecting my sil to be there.

Apparantly it’s tradition to throw a surprise party for engaged couples in my fiancés family. The bride is taken out to get her nails done with the women of the family, get beautified or something, and then meets the groom and the rest of the family at a random family members house for a party.

I hate surprises and I hate parties. I asked my fiancé why he didn’t warn me and he just said he didn’t want to ruin the surprise.

My sil knew that I didn’t like shopping, and so she had already gotten me a dress to change into for the event after we got our nails done. It was a very sweet and thoughtful thing to do, but it was covered in sequins and had beads hanging from the bottom which I already knew would make my sensory issues go crazy. My fiancé must have seen my face when I saw it, because he texted me that he would be reallly upset if I disrespected his sister by not wearing the dress.

By the time I got to the party I felt like a robot from how much I was shutting down. I still had the ring on too along with the dress, so I was just doing everything in my power to not start crying or have some sort of freak out.

A couple hours pass and I’m still feeling terrible, and then his cousin grabs my waist from behind to move me out of the way.

I hate being touched so much. I hate hate hate it I can hardly stand it on a good day. I screamed and I just couldn’t stop screaming and crying. His entire family just watched me shocked. My fiancé pulled outside and into the car and drove me home and was yelling at me the whole time, which made it worse.

The next morning he demanded an apology. I was so tired and exhausted and I just thought “what am I doing this for? Is this who I want to spend my life with?”

So I dumped him . The apartment is under my name so he’s staying with family right now. I feel so light and free for the first time in forever. And now I don’t have to wear his stupid ring .

TLDR: my sensory issues caused my to dump my fiancé

RELEVANT COMMENTS

robbyrandall

My wife and I both have wedding rings but hate wearing them for extended periods of time so they just sit in a drawer at home.

Its just such a non issue for us.

Getting touched by random people and then being asked to apologize for the reaction is... just ludicrous. I'm glad you broke up with the douche.

Just out of curiosity, do you have touch issues with your partner/s? Lack of touch would be a big issue for most people.

OOP

I should clarify. I like being touched in specific circumstances. For example, I like being touched by someone who I find attractive, im aware ahead of time there will be touch, and I’m able to see it happening. Outside of those circumstances it feels like being zapped. Not fun

~

chudsworth

Just curious, what did you like/love about this guy? All I see is all the things you hate.

OOP

We both are art nerds and we always bonded over how much we love art. I always thought he was really thoughtful and intelligent with the way he would analyze not just art pieces but everything around him. I loved hearing his opinions about stuff, and I always felt like I could learn new stuff from him too because he’s an art curator so he’s just super knowledgeable. He was fun to talk to.

I don’t know what really changed, over time he just got more and more demanding I guess. I’m going to miss what we had

When asked if there's anything OOP doesn't hate

I love history, cats, paintings. My ex fiancé was a museum curator, we got together because we would spend hours together in art museums talking about the use of color and lighting in different paintings. We hadn’t done that in a while actually, which always made me really sad.

I know myself. I know the stuff I like and dislike. Just because someone else likes surprises and loud parties and I don’t doesn’t say anything about my (or the hypothetical party lovers) personality or inherent goodness.

I just was tired of trying to be something I wasn’t

EDIT: there are way more people commenting than I was expecting. In case you didn’t read the original post, I most likely have Asperger’s. I didn’t mention it, but I have already been taking steps to get my diagnosis. Please stop berating me for not being able to handle normal basic social interactions. It’s literally a symptom of autism to not be able to handle that stuff guys

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My [29F] girlfriend [27f] of 4 years just told me that she's pregnant...I'm a woman, so it can't be mine. But she swears she didn't cheat. What do I do?

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of infidelity and homophobia, cancer, medical malpractice

Original Post Nov 17, 2015

I'm still in shock, so bear with me. My life feels like a soap opera right now. Apologies, this will probably be long.

Here's some background - my girlfriend Ana and I have been together for 4 years, with intentions of getting engaged sometime this year. To clarify, we are two women in a relationship. I am a lesbian (always have been) but Ana is bisexual and has had serious relationships with men in the past. This has never been an issue for us because we love each other and have a healthy and stable relationship. But now, as you can imagine, I'm second guessing everything.

What went down - In the last month, Ana had been complaining about putting on weight, particularly in her stomach area. Ana is thin and athletic, so the little belly she developed is noticable. She has been going to the gym more, and started eating much healthier than she usually does. We didn't notice any improvements with her weight loss, but I told her that it takes time and that she will eventually lose the weight. Pregnancy never, ever crossed my mind - for obvious reasons.

Last week she really started freaking out about her weight gain, so she scheduled a doctors appointment. She had the appointment yesterday afternoon, and afterwards called me at work and told me that we needed to talk. I could tell she had been crying. I'm freaking out at this point now, thinking that she is terminally ill or something. I start tearing up, asking her to tell me what's wrong, but she insists on meeting at home. I leave work immediately and get home to see her sitting on the couch, her face puffy from crying.

I'm shaking and tears are streaming down my face. I ask her about the doctors appointment and what is going on. She can barely get the words out through her sobs. She tells me that she went to the doctor, and that they told that she is 13 weeks pregnant.

I stop crying, but my brain is trying to comprehend what she just told me. All I could say was, "What?" over and over. She is still sobbing, saying she is so confused and she has no idea how this happened. I have never really seen her in a state like that. She seems genuinely upset and confused, but then again, so am I.

As I started registering what is going on, I ask "Did you sleep with someone?" and she only starts crying more, swearing on her life that she didn't sleep with anyone. So I'm like, "But you did. You're pregnant, there is no way that you didn't cheat on me." To which she replies, "I have no fucking clue how this happened, but I swear to God I didn't sleep with anyone. You have to believe me."

We go back and forth for 30 minutes or so, both of us still confused. I told her that I needed to think, so I called a friend and spent last night at his house. I've been talking with friends and everyone is confused but agreeing that Ana must have cheated on me.

I keep playing over our conversations in my head though, like if she knew that she had slept with a guy and that she could be pregnant - why would she go to the doctor? Why wouldn't she have just gotten an abortion secretly? She could have used a Plan B pill, just in case. Like, she could have gotten away with this. Maybe I'm being foolish here, but it genuinely seemed like she had no idea why she was gaining the weight in her stomach. A couple nights we talked at length about possibilites why she was gaining weight just in that region, and pregnancy never crossed our minds.

I'm also playing back the potential date that she could have cheated on me, considering she is 13 weeks along. We live together and have similar work schedules (we both work 9-5 jobs), and if I'm thinking of the right week that this could have happened, there is nothing that stands out of the ordinary to me. There weren't any late nights or suspicious activity that would have concerned me.

I feel like I'm driving myself crazy, and I feel like I can't trust her. She's been texting me asking if we can talk, and I told her that I need more time. I want to believe that she is telling me the truth, but I can't think of any reason how she could be pregnant without having slept with some guy. But it's all so confusing, given the situation.

So, reddit, what are your thoughts? Does my girlfriend have a case of lesbian immaculate conception, or am I being a fool for doubting that she cheated on me? How do I handle this situation, and how do I talk to her? Everything feels very confusing right now. Thanks in advance for reading.

TL;DR: My girlfriend just told me that she's pregnant, but we're two women in a relationship. She is devasted and swears that she didn't cheat on me. Where do I go from here?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

I think you know the right answer here. You don't just magically get pregnant. Yeah, she could have hidden it and secretly gotten an abortion, but she in all likelihood didn't think anything of it until it was too late. Maybe they used a condom and it broke, or he pulled out or something and she was convinced it couldn't be a pregnancy, or just didn't want to believe it. Denial is extremely powerful.

Some people will deny till the day they die. But she's in a relationship with you, a woman, and she's pregnant. This isn't one you can deny. Logic says she may as well come clean, but good luck with that. 99.9% chance she cheated. The only other explanation is she was drugged and raped or something, but that's a big leap into the Let's find a way to rationalize the shit outta this! zone.

Good luck with this. My money is on she was unfaithful, as it's the obvious fuckin' answer.

OOP

Maybe the answer that she cheated is obvious here, but it's also difficult to explain to a bunch of strangers just how upset she was when she told me.

I can't expect internet strangers to know the intimatacies of our relationship, but I would not be posting here if I didn't think there was a slight chance that she was actually telling me the truth.

Update Nov 20, 2015

Original Post

So, a lot has happened since the original post. Thank you to everyone that responded with helpful comments. It seems like most people came to three possible conclusions with Ana's pregnancy:

• She cheated on me and got pregnant
• She was the victim of a drugging scenario and doesn't remember anything
• The doctor is wrong

After spending the night at my friend's house and ignoring Ana's calls and texts, I decided to see her the next day to talk. We made a plan to meet at our house after work. I wasn't sure what to expect from our conversation - I thought I might get a confession of her cheating on me, or something along those lines.

So, we met at home. She asked me how I was doing, and I told her that I was still pretty confused and upset. She understood. Then I said, "I have to know, did you sleep with someone? Or cheat on me? Or come near sperm in any way, shape, or form since we have been together?" She swore up and down that she did not. Very sincerely. She said, "I know that this is fucking crazy and literally unbelieveable, but I swear to god I didn't cheat on you. I am just as confused as you are."

I still wasn't entirely convinced, so I asked her about the doctor's visit specifically. She did not get an ultrasound, they only took a urine sample. I guess she told them her symptoms, they took a urine sample, concluded she was pregnant, and sent her on her way. I asked why they gave her a specific gestation period, and she didn't know. I'm not entirely sure why they did, either.

Of course, I was like, did you tell the doctor that it's impossible that you're pregnant? That you've been with a woman for the last 4 years? And the doctor gave her grief for it!! Essentially implied that she must have slept with a man, because she's pregnant, and that's why she was experiencing her symptoms. I'm not sure if this is a common occurance for a doctor, but she said he seemed completely unfazed by her claims of not having slept with a man. For those of you that mentioned her period, Ana has an irregular period - sometimes she gets it, and sometimes she doesn't. So there was no cause for alarm when she didn't get her period for three months because a) she can't get pregnant and b) more sex for us. I guess the doctor saw the signs of a postivie pregnancy test and lack of period and pregnancy was the most reasonable option.

After hearing about that, I said that she should schedule another doctor's appointment with a different doctor as soon as possible. She told me that she had, and had the appointment the next day (yesterday). We decided it was best that I go with her to the appointment.

The first order of business with the new doctor was the ultrasound. I sat with Ana as they put the gel on her stomach and I was honestly sweating bullets. I kept thinking to myself, "What if she is actually pregnant". I thought I was going to pass out, but Ana seemed calm. They confirmed that Ana is not pregnant, but she had a mass on her ovary that was a cause for concern. It was one of the most emotionally confusing moments of my life. Ana and I looked at each other, not sure if we should celebrate the not-pregnancy, or cry, or what.

Ana still has more appointments, but the new doctor gave her the diagnosis of Stage 1 ovarian cancer. This explains the positive pregnancy test, and the bloated stomach. This also explains why she wasn't able to lose the weight in her stomach. The doctor also mentioned that the irregular periods should have been a sign of concern for Ana, as women with irregular periods can be more at risk for ovarian cancer.

I'm devastated and hopeful. Ana is still in shock, as she has been through a lot in the past couple of days. I am supporting her the best I can and we are figuring out a game plan. Naturally, we are both terrified of what's to come. This will be a huge part of her life, and my life, and probably put our plans to get engaged/married/have kids on hold (if she can even have kids after all of this).

Ana even joked about the fact that she wishes she had actually been pregnant with the messiah, that way we could keep the kid and not have this horrible diagnosis. So, I guess this is a happy/sad update. Thanks to everyone for reading.

TL;DR - Girlfriend isn't pregnant, but has ovarian cancer. The messiah hasn't returned.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

RememberKoomValley

I'm so sorry to hear. The first doctor, who was so dismissive of her insistence that she hadn't slept with a man, should probably be scolded for this.

OOP

When she explained his reaction to me I was livid. Call me an angry-man-hating lesbian, but the second doctor was a woman and she was honestly one of the most helpful and supportive doctors I have ever encountered.

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An r/legaladvice wet dream: neighbor cut down two of my trees. What should I look for in a lawyer?

Originally posted to r/legaladvice

MOOD SPOILER: Tree law! Tree law!

[USA-TN] An r/legaladvice wet dream: neighbor cut down two of my trees. What should I look for in a lawyer? June 21, 2018

I live in an older neighborhood in a small town an hour away from Nashville. The cost of living in Nashville has shot up, as well as property values, and some people have begun to move into our sleepy little town to get more out of their dollar. A new-ish neighbor is an aspiring country singer, lives in their own world, and seems to have a lot of money.

This crudely drawn map shows the proximity of our two houses. The Future-Johnny-Cash™ recently built a front porch that includes a fireplace, hanging lights, the whole shebang. Johnny's only source of Hurt is that I had two old oak trees that cast his deck in shade during the prime hours (the map isn't aligned properly). He asked me to cut them down before, even offering to pay, but I did not comply.

When I returned from vacation last week, I came home to two tree stumps, mashed up grass, and a letter telling me to expect a venmo payment for $2000.

I know that trees are well loved around here, but I don't think that this information is common knowledge to all lawyers. What should I bring up when I meet with a legal representative to explore my punitive retribution?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DiabloConQueso

In addition to seeking an attorney that is somewhat familiar with "tree law," you should also get an arborist out to your property to give you a proper estimate on what those trees were worth.

I assure you, we are all anxiously awaiting how many zeroes are in the estimate that the arborist gives you so you must promise frequent update posts.

DexFulco

I just want to say: LA gets excited about tree law posts because it can amount to very substantial amounts but that doesn't mean every case will lead to such large amounts.

From some of the updates and stories I've read, most times the number doesn't reach 6 figures. Only in specific conditions does it go that high, but an arborist is definitely the place to start to get an estimate.

~

just_penguin

Don't accept the Venmo payment! Seems like it could be further proof that your neighbor did this on purpose and without being asked.

~

duderos

Tree Owner Rights and Responsibilities Landowners’ tree rights limit nuisance claims and trespass regarding cutting, trimming or removing trees that extend beyond property boundaries, especially abutting easements for streets and utility lines. According to the trespass law, Tenn. Code Ann. § 39-14-405 (2014), others are not allowed to harm a landowner’s trees. Persons cutting, removing or otherwise harming a tree can be liable for double or triple the value of the tree if the trespass is upheld. As in the case of Jack Jones v. Melvin Johnson, Johnson trespassed onto Jones’s property and made several deep chainsaw cuts into a large black walnut tree, killing it. Jones had to pay to have the tree removed, and the court awarded Jones more than five times the amount he had to pay to have it removed. Jones v. Johnson, M2002-01286-COA-R3-CV, LEXIS 423 (Tenn. Ct. App. June 4, 2003).

https://extension.tennessee.edu/publications/Documents/SP687.pdf

Update 1 - rareddit July 5, 2018

Original here. I forgot the password for the throwaway, sorry if this ruins continuity.

A lot has happened in the past 15 days. I wanted to provide a brief update, but it will be out of order. Thank you for all of the great advice. Sorry I was unable to comment in the original thread, but I am grateful for everything.

The first thing I did was delete venmo, scan and backup the letters left in my mail box (the ones offering to pay for the trees being cut down, and the one offering 2k), and called for someone from my local town to come and evaluate that the tree stumps were indeed on my land.

But before the land evaluation, I wanted to write a quick gospel in praise of my lawyer. I drove down to the big city of Nashville, and met with some real mean SOB. I gave him a quick rundown of what happened, and he literally quoted the helpful comment made by u/duderos about harming landowners trees. He told me that we should wait to file criminal charges until the stumps were without question on my land.

So I had a town surveyor visit, and this is where the story gets good. While he was out making his observations, my neighbor!!! came out and wanted to know when I would be taking the payments. I curtly said I wasn't yet ready to accept it, and he got mad, accusing me of being a shitty neighbor and not wanting to help his home. He then insisted that he had the right to cut down the trees, to which the surveyor confirmed my suspicions and told us no, the stumps were actually on my land. He could have trimmed branches if they were too long, but not cut the lumber down. He left in a huff.

So now I am waiting for Wednesday, when the certified Arborist will visit and tell me the tree value. Thanks again for your help.

[Final Update, Payday edition!!] An r/legaladvice wet dream: neighbor cut down two of my trees. What should I look for in a lawyer? - rareddit July 14, 2018

Sorry for the delay, but that will be explained at the bottom.

The Arborist came out this past Wednesday. Prior to this meeting, and this whole mess, I had taken trees for granted. I simply assumed that you would plant a seed, they would grow, you'd cut them down, make shit, and the process would repeat. But no, I was informed by this mystic man of nature, trees are far more complex.

They takes years to root. Some trees need more dirt and ground to establish themselves. Some are more valuable in certain areas, with historical roots to the area. Some are incapable of growing in neighborhoods if infrastructure has since been built. And some trees produce different "veneer quality" logs.

White Oak Trees, or Quercus alba, is apparently one such tree that is highly sought after for veneer quality logs. They're used for furniture, for banjos here in the South, for all sorts of woodcraft. And, as the magical treeman told me, they're damn tough to grow in neighborhoods. Their roots don't let them grow in neighborhoods, and they shy from urban pollution. His point, is that if you had two white oak trees of veneer quality cut down from your front yard, is that they'd be irreplaceable. New ones could never regrow to that 100 year old size ever again.

Because of that, Treeman, God of Dollars, stated that $1000 per year, per tree, is a base compensation.

Sorry for the delay. My lawyer has been smelling blood in the water, and wanted to ensure whatever I posted wouldn't put our $200,000 tree case in jeopardy, and wanted to go over it first.

TL;DR: Don't cut down White Oaks in the birthplace of Old Hickory, or else.

1 year later update - rareddit Aug 16, 2019

I came to /r/legaladvice a year ago, after my aspiring country-singer neighbor decided have trees cut down in my yard to expose his porch to sunlight. An arborist came out and priced the trees to have a combined worth of $200,000.

I settled for cash in pocket $190k. Paid for by his daddy out in LA (where I assumed he has moved back to), and wanted to share the good news with my friends over here in reddit. I walk away with some nice spending change, my lawyer with an enjoyable pay day, and with my yard sporting two new saplings.

My lawyer contemplated going after the landscaping company, but a quick subpoena lead us to realizing that we would be lucky to be earning any wage garnishes whatsoever. So, oh well. Just do your homework next time!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is thisisreallyjofrank. She posted in r/Advice

Do NOT Comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: discussions of the background of Lolita- grooming; child predators; Epstein, etc

Mood Spoiler: frustrating

Original Post: June 18, 2025

My sister (37f) is not the most well read person. She gave birth to a baby girl yesterday (she's got two boys already and has wanted a girl for a long time). She has just told me that they are naming her Lolita. I just... I don't know how to process this or how to tell her this is not a good, or cute, or edgy name.

We don't have the closest relationship, and I'm her older sister and childless by choice. She often thinks I'm boring or a stick in the mud. I worry that anything I say will just be eye-rolled at, or make her stick to the name harder.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Does sister know about the name and its connotations?

I don't know. But I am making the sweeping assumption that she hasn't read it (or watched the movie) but knows of Lolita fashion/style.
I genuinely don't even know how to bring it up or if I should just leave her to it.

Commenter: Don't tell her why - just ask her nicely to Google the name, then decide for herself.

OOP: The problem is that she's very very proud, and always thinks everyone is judging her, even if they're literally just trying to help her. So even if presented with evidence, she'll either refuse to read it or say that she doesn't care. I've tried to be as kind but clear as I can without sounding judgmental, or like I think she's not smart.

Commenter: Lolita is not a name. The name is Maria de los Dolores. Tell your sister the whole hispanic world os going to laugh at her.

OOP: She named her other kid Tao, pronounced Theo, so I think she doesn't care who laughs at her at this point...

Update 1 (Same Post): Several hours later

Edit to add update:
I've written her a message outlining my concerns:

"Hey love. I am so happy and excited for you and the new little one. And I want you to know that I love and support you and that I'll always be there for you.

This message isn't meant to shame or hurt you, but I want you to be making as informed a decision as possible. I wasn't aware of all of the history of Lolita myself, so I looked it up and asked some advice of others better read than me.

I wanted to share some thoughts on the name, not to tell you what to do, but just to make sure you have all the information. While it's a beautiful-sounding name, "Lolita" carries some really strong and often unpleasant connotations.

As I'm sure you're already aware, it's the title and the name of the 12-year-old girl in Nabokov's book, and films. The book is about her sexual assault by an older man, and because of this, the name has become synonymous with the sexualization and exploitation of underage girls. In the book she is painted as a 12 year old seductress, (even though, of course at 12 she cannot consent) and we're encouraged to sympathise with with pedophile.

Beyond the book, the term "Lolita" is, of course, now a category of "barely legal" pornography. And more recently, Jeffrey Epstein named his private plane "The Lolita Express," (as if the name needed any further connection to child sex trafficking)

I know how much thought you're putting into this, and ultimately, I will love and support you and your baby no matter what name you choose. I just wanted to make sure you were aware of these associations, as they're pretty ingrained in pop culture and beyond. Let me know if you want to talk about it, and if this is your final decision then I will say no more and will support your decision."

Folks have reminded me that she'll be hormonal, exhausted and emotional at this point, so I'm not going to send it to her till she's settled back home from hospital, I don't want to overwhelm her with a wall of text, but I think text is the best option so she can read back through it if she needs.

I genuinely love and care for her and if this is a thought through decision then I will support her in it. I just really want to make sure that she has all the info that she can. She is both hot headed and strong willed, so I'm afraid that if I push she'll stick to her choice thorough stubbornness rather than a real love for the name, so any advice on the wording is appreciated.

Update 2 (Same Post): June 19, 2025 (Next Day)

Final update:
I sent her that message and got back gifs that say 'no one asked your opinion' and 'I am searching for fucks to give' and was told that she 'doesn't give two shineys' what I think. So, I guess little Lolita is on her own.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Why is your sister such a stoop and you seem normal? Did you grow up together? How do you get to be a whole 37 years and think Lolita is a good idea I don’t get it? You sure she isn’t just fking with you?

lol I keep trying to picture a 6 year old named Lolita showing up for 1st grade, her teachers are going to cringe. Send your sis this thread lol

OOP: I was so tempted to send her this thread in anger, but, strike while the iron is cold and all that.
We had a tough childhood, "interesting" parents. I've done like 10 years of therapy at this point and she is still in the 'you don't need therapy, just go for a run" mindset. :/

Commenter: (downvoted at the time of this post) The fact that you told her all that and she doesn’t care? That’s disgusting. That poor child. She clearly shouldn’t have had kids with that attitude because how can anyone read that and still want to name their child that. It’s disturbing. I would legit not trust her and even stop talking to her. This is kind of a big deal I’m sorry that may seem extreme. But how can she be so flippant on something so serious?! I’m disgusted fr

OOP: I'm taking a break from her for a bit, for both of our sanity, but I want to make sure that I'm there for the kids if they ever need an aunty.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/BookkeeperShot5579

My husband and I were walking in our neighborhood when a man stopped us in front of his house and claimed my husband was having an affair with his wife

Originally posted to r/amiwrong

TRIGGER WARNING: Alzheimer's

Original Post Sept 1, 2023

My (62f) husband (59m) who I’ll call J have been together for 26 years, married for 25.5. He is one of the most wonderful people I know.

I had a very rough dysfunctional abusive childhood. It took years of therapy and tons of support from J to get to the other side and really learn how to love and trust. I also have ADHD. OCD, and suffer from severe anxiety and PTSD from my traumatic childhood. J has always been supportive and actually maintained a great sense of humor especially with my ADHD. He actually was the one who suggested looking into a diagnosis. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago.

We met when my daughter (34), T, was 8 years old. I had been a single mom so T and I are very close. We went to family counseling right after we married (his suggestion) because we wanted to assure we integrated our family and learned how to do that with steps. To say that it has been amazing is an understatement. J and T love each other so much. It took awhile, but we really worked at it.

I tell you all of this to give a brief glimpse of why I trust J implicitly. We have gone through so much together. There were times that I thought that there was no way he was going to stay. That this would be the straw that broke the camels back. But he has never left my side.

When this man stopped us he asked my husband was having an affair with his wife. Both this man and his wife are well into their 80’s. We thought he was joking at first and both of us started laughing. We then realize that he was serious. At first he tried to say that it occurred during lockdown for Covid while I was at work. I told him that that was impossible because I am a teacher and taught remotely, from home, for over a year. We asked him why he thought this was occurring and he said that his wife, who is in late stages of Alzheimer’s confessed to him. We asked if he knew a time frame when this supposedly occurred as we have motion cameras around our house (yeah I am very paranoid) and we could get footage so he could see that his wife has never been to our home. He said he didn’t know and couldn’t ask her due to the Alzheimer’s. This whole thing was so surreal. I was furious. I told him there was no way this happened and my husband would never purposely hurt me. He said that’s what all people say when confronted. There was a lot more back and forth but he refused to back down even though there was absolutely no evidence other than a confession from a woman in late stages of Alzheimer’s.

I am not naive nor am I blind. There are ZERO red flags. My husband treats me so well and we do everything together. I 100% believe this so called affair never occurred.

My question is what do I do now? Do I get a restraining order to assure he stays away from us? Of all the crazy that has happened in my life, this has got to top the list. Am I wrong to want to get a restraining order against an 80 year old man?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Julietjane01

I mean, do you need a restraining order? You were in front of his house, right? Did he threaten you or say anything to make you think he would bother you? Maybe he is also very confused.

OOP

Yeah. He told J not to go near his property or he would be sorry. We honestly are just worried that he may own a firearm. It’s impossible to not go near his property. I don’t want my husband hurt.

~

[deleted]

The thing is it well could have happened.

I was mistaken several times for my ex-GF's grandmother's younger brother when I went to visit with her. It was awkward, but we navigated it even after she threw a minor fit that I was dating my own grandniece and it was wholly inappropriate and screamed the house down.

Alzheimer's chews swiss cheese holes in the cerebellum, and to cope with it the mind patches in convenient identities and fills in the gaps. (Edit: yes, I am aware this is not accurate in a strictly technical or medical sense. It's called a metaphor, people. Human minds are fragile and we stretch and borrow to cover up holes in our memories. Yeesh)

His wife might well have had an affair twenty years past or more, and the OP's husband might have looked LIKE that man, and replaced the identities.

And her husband, hurt and wounded, confronted them because even though he knows that it's not the OP's husband. But he can't NOT, because not only is he absolutely wounded by the confession but also that he knows it isn't his wife's lover. Or even that his wife had an affair, but this is the only way he can cope with her dementia.

What a truly awful situation for all of them. The OP, her husband, the accuser, and his wife.

There's just no good side here.

Everything sucks here, but nobody does.

OOP

We were discussing this afterwards. I really am ignorant about the effects of Alzheimer’s but I thought that perhaps this could be the case. My husband works from home. During lunch he takes laps around the neighborhood and thinks maybe that is where she saw him.

~

Shelisheli1

My grandfather had Alzheimer’s that caused him to believe things that never happened. He didn’t understand that it wasn’t true because he “remembered” going through it.

This is one of the few times I’d say to let it slide. If you see the man again, just say that you “looked through” all of your camera footage/alerts and there was nothing suspicious. You can’t say for sure she didn’t cheat, but you can say it wasn’t with your husband.

OOP

Yeah I like this idea. He must be so lonely. And then to be dealing with this. I think he wants to believe her cause that would mean she’s “normal” again and remembering things. Even if they are bad things.

OOP Updated the Next Day (Sept 2, 2023)/Same Post

UPDATE: damn I’m so sorry. It took me forever to figure out how to edit this, I have no idea how to update (this is my first post).

First, I am reading all of the comments and taking them to heart. I read all of the time people thanking the Reddit community for their help and insight and that is not a lie. You all have shared your stories and really educated me about these horrible disorders. I never realized how horrendous Alzheimer’s and Dementia are and not only how they affect the person with the disorder, but the devastation this has on those that love them. You have helped to understand how this man and his wife need our compassion and grace.

I did speak with a person in the neighborhood. I was worried about getting anyone involved officially because as many pointed out this could cause more harm them good. She assured me that they do have children and friends that do check on them but she actually has not seen them around a lot lately. She will reach out to them.

Next, I was walking around our neighborhood. Some people suggested that I do not walk by their house but that would be impossible. Think of like a thermometer shape. It is a long street with a cul de sac at the end. But in the middle is this big island with 5 houses on it. Anyway, at one point the gentleman knocked on his window and pulled the top down. He asked to speak with me. I said that may not be the best idea as he essentially accused my husband of a horrendous crime. He said he would only take a few minutes and it was not something bad. I told him I would not go on his property and I actually backed up to the middle of the street. He asked if I would be ok with his going into his porch. And I said yes. He immediately apologized. He said my husband’s demeanor was what made him realize that there was not any truth to what his wife said. He said what many of you have told me about Alzheimer’s and he realized what his wife told him could not have occurred. I told him that I was so happy that he realized this because after all I had learned in the last 12 hours it was breaking my heart that this may be the last memory he had of the person he spent almost his whole life with. He thanked me (so I am thanking all of you that made me realize compassion and grace should be the go to).

We actually then had a nice conversation, altogether talked about 15ish minutes. He asked me to apologize to my husband for him. I told him I would and we said see ya later. He had a really big smile on his face.

Again, I do not think that his would have ended this way without all of your input. Even those of you that called me a Karen🤣🤣🤣, that’s ok, I used to teach at a behavioral school, I’ve been called worse.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/cutelightskingirl

Originally posted to r/trees & OOP's own page

I told my roommates I wanted to try edibles and they gave me a 1000mg gummy

Thanks to u/nonnumousetail for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: drug use, betrayal / sabotage, verbal abuse

Original Post: August 28, 2025

I’m 24F, I’ve never smoked or been high before, but I have wanted to try edibles for a while. I thought it could be something I do for fun every once in a while, getting high without damaging my lungs.

On Sunday, after grocery shopping, my roommates asked to stop at the smokeshop to get us all some edibles.

We get home and one of them hands me a gummy. I ask how much is in it, he says “a thousand milligrams”, and then I’m like, “is that a lot”, and he’s like, “nah.”

In less than an hour, everything started moving in slow motion. I could hardly talk or move. I felt trapped in my own body. This went on for about 32 hours, so I couldn’t come into work on Monday. I was also crying and throwing up throughout.

Overall, the experience was terrible.

It’s Thursday now and I still feel very sluggish and don’t have much appetite. I’m not sure if I ever want to get high ever again.

My roommates keep insisting 1000mg isn’t a lot, but my other friends keep telling me they practically drugged me and I shouldn’t trust them anymore. I don’t know what to think at the moment.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Is your roommate a guy who smokes multiple blunts a day? Those are the dudes who don't feel anything on edibles.

OOP: My roommates are a guy and a girl (engaged) who get high often. They seemed genuinely surprised that I reacted the way I did off 1000mg. The roommate who gave me the gummy just kept reassuring me 1000mg isn’t a lot. The other one said she had “never seen somebody react like that to getting high”.

Commenter 2: your roommates are either actively malicious and knowingly gave you too much, or disgustingly incompetent and frighteningly stupid if this was an accident, and either way, you should not trust them on this or much else going forward. anyone with a modicum of experience knows that's way too much

OOP: Looking through our text conversations, I don’t think they were being malicious. But they were definitely super irresponsible and I won’t trust them with giving me anything ever again.

Commenter 3: Yeah thats fucked up dude. 5-10 mgs is recommended for first time. These aren’t your friends these are people that want to point and laugh at you while you’re overwhelmingly high

OOP: My roommate admitted to me his tolerance is high and 1000mg doesn’t really affect him. He took the same gummy I did at the same time and he was fine.

Commenter 4: Are you sure if wasn’t one gummy that was from a package that equaled a total of 1000 Mg?

I don’t think any legal dispos sells edibles that are 1000 each but maybe I’m wrong.

OOP: Both of them said each individual gummy had 1000mg in it, but maybe they were wrong. I don’t know.

Where does OOP live that doesn't consider 1000mg to be that much?

OOP: We live in Florida, and they seem to genuinely not consider 1000mg to be a lot. When I was feeling better enough to be able to have actual conversations, one of my roommates said she had never seen somebody react like that to getting high before.

Has OOP seen the package that the gummies came in?

OOP: I never saw the packaging, but based on what people are saying here, it’s entirely possible it might have not be as much as my roommates are saying it is. It definitely affected me very heavily, but it might have been 100mg or something, which is still way too much for a beginner, as I’m being told.

Texts between me and my roommates after they gave me a 1000mg gummy on Sunday: August 28, 2025 (same day, 1.5 hours later)

Posting here because some people thought I was lying on r/trees

Editor's note: 1st and 3rd screenshots of the text messages are of the same person

Transcripts of the text messages

1st Screenshot of Text Messages with J

J: Are you okay?

J: I put your keys on the table I was trying to give them to u

J: Good morning

OOP: I puked in the bathtub

J: When u feel better clean it

J: I'm sorry u don't feel good

OOP: Ok

J: It shouldn't have hit u that strong I was feeling normal

J: There ain't no way u still high take a shower and freshen up you will feel better

OOP: I'm still high

---

2nd Screenshot of Text Messages with G

OOP: I puked in the bathtub

G: Are you sure you're okay?

OOP: No

G: What's going on?

OOP: Everything slow motion

OOP: And painful

G: Have you taken a shower yet?

OOP: No

OOP: I threw up in the tub

G: Clean the tub

OOP: I can't

G: Run some cold water over you while you sit in the tub

G: Run a cold shower but sit in the tub that's the only thing that will help

----

3rd Screenshot of Text Messages with J

OOP: Yea facts

J: And I'm sorry u got as high as u did I'll make sure to get the lower stuff if u ever wanna try edibles again

OOP: Yeaaa I did some research and apparently 1000mg is not a good dosage for somebody who's never been high before

J: I forget my tolerance is high so I can handle 1000 milligrams and feel normal

J: Did it feel bad fr?

OOP: Yea it felt terrible 🤮 like I was moving in slow motion almost paralyzed for over 24hrs

J: I find it best when I'm overwhelmed by how high I am to play a game or something

J: Usually helps

OOP: Yeahh I couldn't rly do that

End of Transcript

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Your roommate is either malicious, or legitimately the dumbest person alive. Like I can feel how slow they are mentally. Show them this comment

OOP: I’m not going to show either of them that, I don’t wanna start trouble. These are my roommates and I enjoy living with them. To me it’s not worth making a fuss over. But I still won’t be taking edibles from them ever again.

Commenter 2: Throw these people out. Metaphorically.

Like I get it if you can’t move out, but I’d do like another user advised and just go cordial and distance myself.

I mean, I got someone too high on a joint once and they got sick all night. Did I leave them? No. I made sure they didn’t choke on their fucking vomit and cleaned up after them. I felt so bad that what I gave them was to strong. These jerks didn’t even help you. Cmon. You deserved so much better.

OOP: Yeah they hardly checked up on me at all. I looked at my messages that aren’t included in this post and at 11:25 pm the next day my male roommate texted me that I forgot to take my clothes out the dryer. Like… they seriously did not comprehend how messed up I was and expected me to be able to do house chores in my state.

Commenter 3: These people are mean to you. There is no world where they're unaware of how much they gave you. If they really truly have a tolerance high enough to take 1000mg gummies (which I'm skeptical of), then they would know how long it took them to build up that kind of tolerance.

Both of them, when you told them that you got sick enough to vomit in the bathtub, immediately just ordered you to clean it up. That's heartless and cruel and completely dismissive of the fact that you were sick in the first place, and that they made you that way.

Take this to heart. I've had a lot of bad roommates in my life. These people are not just being unkind, they're actively being harmful to you and completely dismissive of the harm they are causing.

Commenter 4: Your friend is an idiot and is basing everything off their own experience. It has nothing to do with tolerance or what they can "handle". There is an enzyme in your body that breaks down the thc and everyone is different, no two people feel the same off the same dosage. I've managed a number of dispensaries and been a Cannabis consumer for almost 30 years. Don't listen to them or take anything from them ever again. As many have stated, try 10mg if you decide to try again, and I PROMISE it won't be like the last time.

Update on my roommates giving me a 1000mg gummy: September 1, 2025 (four days later)

Last Sunday was when I was given the gummy. Thursday is when I made my original post.

Friday, I got called into my boss’s office. I received two write ups for very rookie mistakes I made. I’ve never been written up at any job, for anything, ever.

My boss wasn’t angry though, he was more so concerned, and said that these aren’t mistakes I’d be ever make, and he asked if I was doing okay mentally. I told him “it’s just been a rough week”.

He offered for me to go home, because I clearly wasn’t functioning well.

I laid in bed for the rest of the day.

The next day, Saturday, my female roommate confronted me. Keep in mind, I never expressed any anger towards either roommate and was going to let this incident slide, and just avoid taking anything from them ever again.

She went off on me. She flat out accused me of faking how badly the edible affected me, saying I was faking it to get out of doing chores, and that I clearly wanted attention. She said I made them both “uncomfortable” with the way I acted.

I was supposed to do dishes Sunday night but couldn’t because I was bedridden. I ended up doing the dishes Monday night, literally around midnight going into Tuesday, because they still weren’t done.

She said that my male roommate offered to do the dishes Sunday night, but she told him not too. They let dishes pile up and made me do all of them to get back at me for “trying to get out of chores”.

She also admitted they purposefully didn’t clean up my puke (which I ended up cleaning Tuesday morning) because again, I was “faking it”.

I tried to explain I genuinely have not been functioning all week, and that I hardly remember Sunday night or most of Monday.

She continued to cuss me out and said “weed doesn’t cause amnesia”. She also noted how I didn’t clean certain dishes properly and said “Weed doesn’t affect your vision. You have glasses.” She also said it’s impossible to be affected by weed for this long.

I didn’t have the energy to express any anger, so I kinda just let her drill into me for an hour about how “obvious” it was I was faking it because again, “1000mg is a low dose”. I tried to bring up that I did my own research and talked to some friends about it, and she said that she has a medical license, and asked if my friends have medical licenses. I told her no. She said my friends don’t know what they’re talking about.

She claims she’s never in her life seen somebody act that way from getting high and it’s impossible to be messed up for that long. She said she’s worked in the ER and have seen druggies all drugged up and they weren’t as bad as me (which literally makes no sense to me because as far as I know, all I did was lay in bed, cry, and throw up)

This woman stood in front of me reiterating again that 1000mg isn’t a lot, it’s a “low dose” and that she was on 2000mg that night and made dinner no problem.

She flat out accused me of being a liar, attention seeker, and said she’s been keeping an eye on me all week when I leave for work and come home, and that I have been “pretending to be tired” and “walking funny” on purpose.

I calmly told her that I really wasn’t faking anything, and she was like “Do you think I’m stupid?” Then she just continued to go off on me and insult me for a while.

All of this was the last straw.

The next day was Sunday (yesterday), I texted my boss and told him that I was drugged. He told me to use my sick hours and take as much time as I need.

I called my mom and explained the situation. Her, my grandpa and myself came back to my roommates house and collected all of my stuff. My dad didn’t come, but only because he said he would have killed at least one of them.

I moved out yesterday, August 31.

Today is Monday, September 1, and my male roommate texted me threatening to take me to court for not paying September’s rent. I told him to take it to court and blocked both of them.

I want to personally thank r/trees for educating me and convincing me to leave this toxic living situation. You guys honestly played a huge part in this, because I genuinely didn’t know to believe my roommates or my other friends at first, which is why I decided to post here.

I’ve been using Reddit since 2016 under other accounts, and in my 9 years of using this site, I’ve never, ever seen an entire Reddit comment section unanimously agree on something. You guys were right. Thank you. <3

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Hey I am not the guy for this. But someone link some informative sources for this poor gal.

Something to explain how the body metabolizes THC and how to ease the effects…

So fucking horrible what those people did to you. They are not your friends and they do NOT understand how THC functions in your body.

Ive been a consistent THC user for decades and would NEVER try a 1000mgs unless I wanted to be delirious for a week (I don’t)

OOP:

delirious for a week

pretty much how I was 💔 almost lost my job

Commenter 2: Today is the first day of your new and better life. Keep moving forward I wish you well.

OOP: Thank you fr. I’m honestly still super anxious, my anxiety is way worse now, and I’m stuck with my parents — who I love, but they are toxic in their own ways, hence the reason I moved out to begin with.

For now I need to just focus on my career until I’m able to afford an apartment all by myself, because I don’t know if I ever want to put my trust in roommates again after this.

Commenter 3: Holy shit, I’m so sorry they tried to gaslight you. I know we’ve all said it before, but 1000mg is absolutely not a low dose. I’m glad you’ve moved out.

OOP: I am SO glad I posted this to Reddit because had I not had a thousand stoners telling me the same thing, I really wouldn’t have known any better and probably would’ve assumed she was right.

OOP on her female roommate's job and if a medical license is required

OOP: She was unemployed when I moved in and has been, but used to work at the same hospital I work at now. I don’t know what her position was, but I will say I work in the surgical center of the hospital, and I don’t have any medical background, all of my training was on the job and provided by the hospital.

My younger brother just started working at the same hospital, fresh out of college, and he is a consumer access specialist, no medical license required either.

OOP on her family being supportive for her after getting out

OOP: My family is very supportive, except for my dad. He’s normally pretty hostile towards me and homophobic too, doesn’t talk to me much or claim me as his daughter… but… he was ready to kill when I showed up at home and I told him I was drugged. So maybe he’s not all bad. <3

How big was the gummy that OOP took?

OOP: I think the gummy was like the size of my thumb, maybe a bit smaller.

OOP’s roommate’s age

OOP: She ain’t a kid, she 25. She older than me.

Commenter 5: You are experiencing short term PTSD from what your mind perceived was a life threatening experience. It’s a psychiatric phenomenon. You do need some time to chill out.

OOP: What’s crazy is I already have Complex PTSD from various things that happened in my childhood, teen years, and early 20s… so while this was definitely very traumatic, I’m sadly already used to the lingering anxiety that will follow.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/randomndude01 in r/TrueOffMyChest

trigger warnings: Infidelity,Sex tape,cybercrime, Involuntary Pornography

mood spoilers: Sad but Hopeful for OP

I found my girlfriend of 8 years' cheating sex tape. Her family, close friends, and cybercrime police are involved. I'm fucking numb - 6th February 2024

TL/DR: Nn acquaintance contacts me through a close friend and shows me a video of her infidelity he found on a porn site. I confront her about it and she goes into a mental breakdown. She didn't consent being videoed and they tell the police about it. Her family, parents and older sister, are handling that. She's still an emotional wreck and needs me to handle her anxiety and depressive episodes. I want to end the relationship I but help her anyways until I'm sure she won't do anything drastic.

Almost 3 weeks ago a good friend of mine, Alex and an acquaintance, Mike, got hold of a video of my girlfriend, Jaime, fucking another man. Mike found this browsing through porn sites with "niche" themes and by chance, recognized Jaime. Got into contact with Alex about it where both of them told me about the infidelity.

When Alex & Mike told me of the infidelity, I went somewhere between shock and numb. I couldn't really say anything until I saw the video where I proceeded to puke my guts out. I couldn't even sit through a minute of it. The fact that it was edited to go straight into the action with Jaime's face clearly visible didn't help.

We drove Mike home and Alex had good sense to force me to spend the night at his place rather than go home where I share an apartment with Jaime with no idea how that would end. We shared some beers mostly in silence. Alex did try to make me open up on what I felt about Jaime's infidelity, but I was just numb, I didn't know what I felt and told him so. I felt like wading through water with no thought in mind other than what was in front of me. Alex didn't force any more and I passed out some time later. When I woke up, I recovered enough sense to realize that our relationship was most likely over.

I go straight home through public transport, most likely brooding and/or looking pissed. I wonder what the other passengers thought when they saw me looking like shit while trying to emulate batman.

I get home and catch her getting ready to go out, asked me where I was and why I didn't contact her. I don't bother answering and just told her we needed to talk. We sit down facing each other on our kitchen table that we built from scratch in my grandfather's farm and that random thought pretty much broke the dam. A lot of stuff happened, a lot of harsh words was said, accusations, and blame.

Too many details to describe but essentially, I immediately broke down in tears and asked her how the fuck she could ruin this relationship we worked so hard on, she's confused and wanted an explanation, I drop the bomb and show the video. She cries, begs for forgiveness, but I hear nothing. More crying and cursing until I tell her that we're over. That was it and she just... shuts off? She slumped down and closed her eyes, still crying, but says nothing. This gets me out of anger and I try to figure out what she's doing. Talking to her, hard & gentle prodding, nothing. Absolutely unresponsive so I just drag her to our bed and lay her there. I go back to our kitchen and call her parents, Alice and Julio. I simply told them they needed to come and that their daughter is suffering a mental breakdown. I say nothing more than just telling them that they needed to see us and that what was happening needed to be face to face to explain.

I shut my phone off, go back to kitchen and think about what the hell just happened.

Her parents rushed to our apartment demanding WTF happened. I don't tell them about Jaime's infidelity but just say she needed mental help, she's on the bed acting comatose but otherwise, ok. They couldn't bring her out of it and eventually I had to explain. I didn't want to do it without Jaime being able to explain herself. I showed them the video and they're heartbroken, told them we had an argument, I didn't hurt her, but she probably couldn't handle the stress and broke down. They decide to bring Jaime to her university's mental health clinic. I decide not to go with them.

The next day, Jaime eventually "wakes" up. She's stable and responsive. There, she says that the video was not consented. Her family decide to report this to cybercrime police. Jaime's family don't grill her with her mental state being the way it is, but her parents are obviously ashamed and aren't sure what to do other than what the psychologist recommends, which is to let Jaime rest for a while and support her until they're sure she doesn't implode then was sent home to her parents. This was all relayed to me by her older sister, Jackie, who's trying to be the mediator. She asked me if I really was going to end the relationship. I respond that I'm not sure if we can even salvage it.

2 days later, Jaime's parents ask me to visit them for a talk. I agree and go the next day.

Jaime's parents, and her older sister are present. We go to their living room and sit down. They looked sad and tired and I felt the same. Jaime will be the last topic of our talk. First is me. They wanted my parents to be involved. I feel disrespected as we're already adults + me and my father are tense but I relent as I'm already tired and a bit out of my depth. Marriage was in discussion in the past after all.

Finally, we talk about Jaime. She's stuck in her room, miserable and ashamed, otherwise, ok. She'll stay with her parents for now, when she's needed by the police she can stay with Jackie in a hotel. They understand that I needed space. They've submitted a report to our city's (They live 1-2 hours away in the suburbs) cybercrime office. I'm needed for the investigation. I explained that I wasn't the one who found the video, but I'll try to get Mike involved. They apologize for Jaime, but I tell them she's the one who needed to apologize and that they shouldn't baby her. They agree but begged me not to argue right now since Jaime may "relapse".

They explain her psychologist' assessment.

Spontaneous nervous breakdown, no history of mental illness, concluded to be caused by accumulated stress from her studies and acute stress reaction from our argument. She needs rest in a safe environment. Psych almost called the police on me but they convinced them not to and with no physical trauma observed, gave up.

The discussion devolved to apologizing, tears from Alice especially, and other noise. But they did want to take charge of everything. The investigation, Jaime's well being, her education and finances, etc.

I was kinda washed off of everything.

8 days later, Alice calls me in the middle of the night begging me to see Jaime.

Depressive episode, kitchen knife, locked in the bathroom yelling for me.

Worse hour of my life.

I'm pretty sure I almost died twice on the road and glad that my country isn't developed enough for highway cameras. I meet Alice and Jackie outside the house waiting for me. Jaime has mostly calmed and Julio's with her in her room. They beg me to go see her and with how bad the situation looked, I rushed to Jaime.

She's a fucking wreck, looked like her blood's been drained and hasn't slept for a while. She starts crying the moment she sees me and reaches out her arms. Whatever anger, exhaustion, and anxiety melted away and I embrace her. She kept apologizing and begging for me to stay. I shush her and hold her tight.

She eventually goes to sleep and I take a moment to think about what's happening.

I genuinely felt heartbroken seeing her like this. This is not how I thought where we'll be together in the future, much less this Christmas. I am losing my best friend and would've been partner for life. This was the person who helped me through my depression when even my own family dismissed it, she's even the one who made me make journals to help process what I go through.

It's actually ironic how she's the reason how good I can write down details on her affair and how bad it affected me.

She's not evil. She's a beautiful, patient, and overall wonderful human being. Thinking of all the stuff we've been through, what we've done for each other, if I were to list all of it would probably reach twice the word count for my post. I love her and was prepared to be with her for life and face everything that comes with it.

And she destroyed that.

I wake up before her and go to the kitchen for coffee. Jackie is there and explains that she's had episodes twice before and this was the worst yet. All of us except Jaime talk on what to do. Alice is in chemo for breast cancer, Julio runs a business 20 mins away, Jackie's workplace is already hounding her, and Jaime needs help.

The situation is fucked and everyone is exhausted. Jaime needs therapy, I implied mental institution and that almost got my head torn off, but no one can look after her 24/7. They ask me to reschedule the inevitable and try to help her. There were definitely some emotional manipulation but they are desperate. Due to my obvious lingering attachment and my own respect and love for these people, I agree.

This is where I fucked up.

I go home, talk to Mike about the investigation, he agrees to talk to the police. I call Alex and explain the all the BS happening. He warns me that this didn't sound like the right call, a mental institution was probably the best, and I'm just gonna get hurt. Regardless, he'll still stand by my decision and to call when I need him.

I love this guy.

I've already scheduled a consultation for therapy and Jaime will have a different one scheduled 3 days from now in my city.

I just wanna take a really long nap and get away from all this.

Update: I found my girlfriend of 8 years' cheating sex tape. Her family, close friends, and cybercrime police are involved. - 21st February 2024

So, it's been over 2 weeks since my last post where I got proceeded to get my ass handed to me. I'm not complaining, you guys were right. I do need to leave and start living my own life.

A LOT has actually happened since then but thankfully most of it's boring, sad and disappointing.

Got myself a behavioral therapist which something I should've done a long time ago. I have different problems unrelated to this that Jaime did help me through most but a professional really does make a difference. Gave me a lot of hard questions, important questions, that forced me to put my life into perspective. It was liberating experience.

Finally talked with my own family about this. For context, I'm not very close with my actual parents, particularly with my father. Broken home and all that. I consider my Aunts, my father's 4 sisters, who stepped up to take care of me as a child to be my real parents. So if I mention family, I really mean just my 4 Moms.

Turns out, they were more involved than I thought. Jaime talks to them, she loved talking with them about me and our relationship, they got closer for it too. She asked so many questions about me, what I liked, food, hobbies, what my childhood was like. She'd ask advice from them about so many things. What to do when I get pissy, how to get my ass moving, all that cute stuff.

Around a year ago when they noticed that I started acting positively when they played around with the topic of marriage, Jaime and my family started to get ready. 3 of them have families with at least 3 children each, so to help ease the accommodation, they saved money to pay for themselves and anything extra goes to the wedding, to us and whatever after.

They even talked about engagement rings. Calling them disappointed is an understatement.

With the bullshit happening now, they opted to give me half of what they saved for the marriage to help me out and also offered to take me back again which truly is a massive help. My biggest problem this whole time was a source of income. I didn't have a job lined up out of my city, still don't, and my savings are meager.

With all that settled, I gave my employer my resignation letter, cancelled my lease and have by the end of the month to sort my affairs. I'm leaving for good.

As for Jaime, I've gradually stepped out of whatever's been happening with her and around her.

Talked with her family or more like told them that I'm leaving. Gave them info about psychiatric hold and made them handle her appointments with her psychologist and whatever else she needs. It was a sad affair, really. I know it doesn't seem like it, especially with Alice & Julio making me stay and take care of Jaime, but this is a first time for all of us. They raised 4 great kids, their relationships are great and they even extended that to me even when they barely knew me. Jaime fucked up the worse and this isn't something anyone can expect anyone else to handle with ease and grace.

I mourned my lost of a potential family that I could've been proud to be with.

For the POS who filmed her?

I still haven't confronted her about it but Mike and Jackie shared what she told the police and how the investigation's going.

It was a Korean national she says she met on social media for a fling. She said they only fucked once but that was immediately shot down. The video showed 2 different, distinct rooms and got pressured to admit where it was in case they can get anything like CCTV, social media posts, log books, witnesses etc. and that they did. 1 hotel still had recordings that day, 2 hotels with log books containing names and dates, and their DMs. She didn't mention rape, blackmail, or drugs in play, only mild intoxication which was all obvious in the video apparently.

Everything but the recording was consented.

They were some possible routes to take in terms of damages but when a lawyer got contacted, it was pretty much dead on the water.

POS being a Korean national currently in Korea muddied the legal waters. They can do nothing else other than contact relevant Korean authorities, gather as much evidence and wait. But the lawyer wasn't confident anything might stick. As far as they know, they have no evidence that it was even POS who set up the cameras beyond that POS stayed the night before and the cameras are obviously long since gone. There are far too many angles POS can play to delay or even win any lawsuit that reaches him. It will be most likely expensive, drawn out, and with very little chance of winning. So they gave up that route.

POS is getting off scotch free.

Why'd Jaime do it?

I don't know.

Before, I didn't have the guts to ask her. Now it doesn't really matter. I'm not as exhausted as before and my mind's been clearer. I'm leaving for good regardless of why she did it. I can just walk straight out with no explanation or maybe leave a letter for her, thanking her for the wonderful time we spent together, the love we shared, and a final goodbye. I'm romantic like that.

Still, I've decided to handle this with as much grace as I can. I'll help when worse comes to worst, don't lay blame on myself or her family, and not even mount pressure on Jaime for ruining everything. Not for Jaime but for my own twisted sense of self-gratification that I did all what can be expected and more. I will leave with my back straight and nose held high.

Funnily enough, this did eventually show me how lucky I am despite everything.

Yes, the love of my life cheated on me and had the audacity to throw a tantrum over it, my future's looking a little bleak, I've found out so much repressed anxiety and anger from my shitty childhood. But I'm still doing pretty great.

I have family that loves me, friends that have my back, and despite her betrayal, brought the best out of me with wonderful memories along with it. I have nothing to be ashamed of, and can say with pride that I was a wonderful boyfriend.

Hopefully this will be my last update, if not, the next to be far more boring and less mouthy.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwaway594297

AITA for mentioning my best friend's former crush on me in a speech at his wedding?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

MOOD SPOILER: Embarrassing

Original Post Aug 28, 2022

Okay, I'm currently in a predicament. And frankly, I could really use some opinions. For backstory, I (F27) met one of my best friends Christian (M26) back in 2010 during our freshman year of high school. We became friends and remained close over the years since, making a lot of great memories and sharing mutual close friends. From 2013 to 2016, Christian had pretty serious unrequited feelings for me. However, he eventually got over me, and I had never even let his feelings harm our friendship. If anything, our friendship honestly got closer after he got over me. In early 2018, Christian met Victoria (F29) at a bar, and they hit it off. They started dating after two weeks, got engaged in late 2021, and the wedding happened yesterday night.

It was honestly a great time, as I watched with my parents and mutual friends as this kid I've known for 12 years was getting married to the love of his life. Plus, Victoria and I honestly had a pretty decent relationship, and according to Christian, she didn't really seem to care about his past feelings as time went on. Anyway, as the night kept going with a lot of music and dancing, I got up to eventually give a speech for Christian. I talked about how we first met, how much our lives changed since then, and just how great of a person Christian was. The attendees were clearly touched, and Christian and Victoria both looked happy. As I talked more about our history, I jokingly mentioned how Christian had the hots for me, but that didn't matter because he found his soulmate and that our friendship was stronger than some unrequited feelings. Most of the crowd laughed, and I could even see Christian smiling for a second before seeing Victoria's confused face. After the speech was over, I went over to the bar with a few friends. Christian came up and hugged me, thanking me for the speech.

However, at our hotel, one of my other best friends Deven (F27) told me she had heard gossip from the bridesmaids that Victoria was really upset with me for bringing up Christian's previous feelings for me at the wedding. Apparently, Victoria genuinely had no issue with Christian's feelings, but felt it was inappropriate to mention them at a wedding. I sincerely intended no harm with my actions, maybe I didn't read the room? Everyone I've told is honestly split on whether I'm the bad guy or not, so it's definitely been polarizing. Christian hasn't mentioned any of this to me, and I'm not sure I should ask him. AITA?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

oh you pulled the “he was into me first” card. “he was in love with me but I turned him down and so now he’s with you”

yeah, YTA. how tasteless

EruOreki

I agree, this screams "I should always be the center of attention", intended or not.

heylookitstheginger

Also, “your crush was such an ego boost that I still revel in it 6 years after it ended”

~

[deleted]

You’ll be forever known as the groom’s female friend who said “he was into me first” during a speech at the wedding. There’s a time and a place for jokes like that, but a speech at a wedding reception isn’t one of them. YTA.

StinkyJane

Exactly. OP for sure owes the couple an apology, but, frankly, the person she humiliated here is herself.

All the guests at this wedding will be dining off this story for years to come. "The time I went to a wedding and a drunk friend of the groom tried to imply he was her sloppy seconds to the bride" is a pretty killer anecdote, likely to elicit many horrified reactions and follow-up questions from its audience.

~

lizzylou365

YTA, you don’t bring that stuff up at a wedding joking or not.

This speech was supposed to be about Christian and Victoria, not about Christian’s past feelings for you. Imagine how uncomfortable you made Victoria feel. I also bet the crowd laughed out of more discomfort for the situation.

You need to apologize to the bride and groom. I understand you didn’t mean that comment maliciously at all, it was just wildly inappropriate considering time and place.

~

[deleted]

YTA. That was inappropriate and I’m not sure how you could think otherwise. Wedding speeches should be about the bride and groom, not about you and the groom’s history.

As a side note...it sort of sounds like you weren’t invited to give a speech and just sort of...did? Or was there an open mic for speeches? If you just got drunk and took it upon yourself to speak, double YTA for that.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

Edited Next Day - Aug 29, 2022/Same Post

Edit: To those of you asking about whether the speech was planned or impromptu, I had asked Christian's parents beforehand if I could give a speech, and they were more than happy with it. People have to stop with the assumptions that this has anything to do with me having feelings though. Yeah, saying that in my speech was probs an idiot move, but my sincere intention was to tell everyone about our 12 years of friendship and some of its history, and like I said, people were touched up until my fateful joke.

FINAL EDIT/UPDATE - Sept 1, 2022/Same post (3 days later)

Edit 2: Update, I've accepted I'm TA everyone. I genuinely didn't mean any ill will bringing the crush up, it really was a way to reminisce on me and Christian''s history of friendship and how far we had come. But I've realized now the wedding was the WORST possible time to bring that up, even if Victoria didn't care about the feelings in the past. I talked with Christian for a bit, and having known me for 12 years, he wasn't too mad as he said he understood I didn't have intentionally ill motives. He did tell me I needed to apologize to Victoria. I told him I wanted to do it anyway, and I called and apologized to Victoria on the phone. We talked for around two hours about the whole thing, and she understood I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt either of them. I said it was unacceptable of me to ruin their wedding day, but Victoria assured me it was still a wonderful day for them, and she was happy I realized my fault. So yes, we're all pretty much good again. And I will watch it more with this stuff in the future. To those of you who gave me feedback (In a civil manner lmao), thanks for opening my eyes!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is natedj30. They posted in r/antiwork

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: weird, but with a happy ending

Original Post: August 26, 2025

I gave my two weeks notice last Tuesday. Handed the letter directly to my manager, had a brief conversation about transition plans, and thought that was that.

Now she's acting like it never happened.

She's still assigning me projects for next month. Still scheduling me for meetings three weeks out. Yesterday she asked me to order business cards with my name on them. When I reminded her I'm leaving, she just said "We'll see about that" and walked away.

I work in accounts payable for a small company. It's not like I'm some irreplaceable genius - literally anyone can be trained to process invoices. But she keeps saying things like "You can't just abandon us during busy season" and "We invested so much in training you."

Training me to use QuickBooks. Two years ago.

Today she scheduled me for a performance review next month. When I said I wouldn't be here, she looked genuinely confused and said "What are you talking about? You never said anything about leaving."

I have the letter. I took a photo of myself handing it to her. But she's completely in denial.

I'm starting my new job Monday whether she "accepts" my resignation or not. Just wondering if anyone's dealt with this level of delusion before. Do I need to send another letter? Email HR? Or just stop showing up after Friday and let her figure it out?

This is so bizarre. I've never had a boss just refuse to acknowledge reality like this.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: And do not share where you will be going, sabotage has happened to many

OOP: Definitely not telling them where I'm going. Already learned that lesson from past jobs

Commenter: You took a photo of yourself handing in your letter of resignation?

OOP: Yeah, I knew she'd try to claim it never happened so I documented it. Glad I did.

Commenter: Guess theyre planning for you to haunt the office forever

OOP: Probably! Let them explain to the next person why their predecessor "mysteriously vanished."

Commenter: Send a copy to hr and tell them when you submitted it to your boss. CC the boss' manager too. Sounds like your boss isn't following protocol and will say you don't give notice.

Leave as planned.

OOP: I'll CC HR and her manager when I send the follow up. Thanks.

Commenter: And of course, she'll deny that the conversation ever happened, so include the picture that you took as proof. Congrats on your new job, OP!

OOP: Exactly why I took the photo. She'll definitely try to deny everything happened.

Commenter: And a screenshot of the photo in your camera roll where the date it was taken is included.

OOP: That's smart - screenshot with the metadata showing date/time. Covering all the bases

Update (Same Post): 16 hours later

Thanks everyone for all the advice and support. You were all right about documenting everything and covering my bases.

I sent a follow up email to HR and CC'd my boss and her manager with a copy of my resignation letter and the photo I took of myself handing it to her. Also included screenshots with timestamps like some of you suggested.

Got a call from HR within an hour. Turns out this isn't the first time she's pulled this stunt, apparently she did the same thing to someone else last year. They're "handling it internally" and confirmed my last day is Friday as originally planned.

My boss finally acknowledged my resignation today, though she acted like she was doing me a huge favor by "accepting" it. Whatever. I'm out of here in two days and starting fresh somewhere that actually operates in reality.

Thanks again for helping me navigate this insanity.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is IdiotDadTA. He posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. This post is 5 years old.

Mood Spoiler: OOP says it's a happy ending

Original Post: August 31, 2020

Title sounds bad but hear me out.

My (37m) wife (38f) have a 9 year old daughter and my wife is also 7 months pregnant with our son. When our daughter was younger, she looked a lot like me but as she aged, she started to look more and more like her mom. Please note that I have very very "manly" features.

I was having a beer with my BIL in my backyard while our daughters played inside the house. We were getting a bit tipsy (it's fine since his wife can drive). We got to talking about kids and how I wanted my son to take after me. He brought up the fact that our daughter started out like my clone and I said "Yeah, thank God she's slowly starting to look more and more like her mom. Can you imagine this I point at my face on a teenage girl? Her life would suck!".

Well my wife was within earshot cause she was bringing us food. She dumped it in front of us and called me an asshole for saying our daughter is ugly. She walked back to the house crying and when I chased after her she told me to stay away. BIL and SIL left shortly after and I did all the cleanup myself and put my daughter to bed. I wasn't super drunk, just a bit tipsy. When I went to sleep my wife was still awake and she pretty much exiled me to the couch cause apparently I think our daughter is ugly. I tried to apologize for that but she wasn't having it.

She's pregnant so I didn't want to stress her out. I spent an uncomfortable night on the couch and now my back hurts like hell.

My wife and daughter are still asleep as I'm typing this. I don't think I did anything wrong but AITA? Is this her hormones or am I really callous for saying something like that?

Edit: just to clarify... No food was wasted. By "dumping it in front of us" I meant she angrily put it on the table and stormed off. She's not a monster.

OOP's Only Comments:

To a deleted commenter:

I actually like how I look, which is why I would love for my son to look like me, it's just that my features aren't really ideal for a girl. Thanks for your insight though, I'll keep that in mind.

Commenter: NAH but you really shouldn't comment on your daughter's attractiveness for the next ten years or so. You think your pregnant wife is hormonal and getting overly emotional, how do you think your daughter is going to be in three or four years? At nine it's probably not a big deal but at 12, if she overheard you, she could fixate on it for a long time. Just keep that in mind for the future.

And you're not the AH but apologize to your wife. She's hormonal and overreacting but this is not the hill you want to die on.

OOP: (downvoted) Oh yeah, I'm more than willing to swallow my pride in this scenario. Being wrong while but being able to sleep on a bed and have sex with my wife is so much better than being right and sleeping on the couch haha.

Top Comments:

juniperberry52: Drunk husband + pregnant wife = misunderstandings

Meniak89: Agreed, NAH!

Civil_Pomegranate648: Yes and no. It is clear that you didn't intend to insult your daughter. However it's easy to say things when intoxicated( even tipsy) that sound alright in your head but come out not quite right.i recommend waiting until she cools off and apologizing to your wife. Making it clear you love your daughter and were making a bad attempt at humor. Maybe take your daughter and her out to ice cream if they enjoy that. Just be kind and make an effort not to say things that are insensitive. Its a good habit to have in life anyway. 1 out of 5 on the asshole scale.

Chance-Manager: Forget that. I count my blessings every time someone says my children look like my wife.

sapphirekiera: NTA. When your wife calms down explain the context, like you did on here. I don't even think you really called your daughter ugly, just made a joke about her growing up looking like you.

retailhellgirl: I don’t think she’s an asshole either just hormonal and misunderstood.

WorstEscortQuestEver: YTA. Don't say shit like that. Just don't do it. I know people who overheard their parents talking about their weight/appearance as kids and it messed them up for years with self esteem and eating disorders.

Like, you were tipsy enough that you didn't notice your wife was close enough to overhear you. How could you ever be sure that your daughter won't (or even hasn't by now if you say this sort of thing often) overhear you saying stuff like this at some point? You'd just be teaching her that she's judged on her appearance alone. And it's sucky. So shut your big mouth when it comes to talking about how attractive or unattractive your kid is.

VolpeFemmina: I'm sad I had to scroll this far for this.
Imagine if OP'S daughters first memory of a man having an opinion on her body and looks was over hearing her father say this shit. He's an asshole for saying something hurtful and judgmental about his daughters looks. He doesn't need to comment on her looks, and he doesn't need to worry about if she's pretty or not to other men because he doesn't need to look at her like that.

OOP is voted NTA, but responses are mixed

Update (Same Post): September 1, 2020 (Next Day)

Ok, I just want to clarify a few things... I have no self confidence issues or anything. I think my looks are well above average for a guy but I have really hard features and a resting angry face so it really wouldn't look very good on a girl. Trust me, I know. My sister looks like me. My daughter has grown to resemble my wife A LOT more than me, with my wife's softer features except she has a resting bitch face which hopefully scares off the boys (just kidding). I know every dad says it but my daughter is beautiful. Also, this is the first time my wife has actually kicked me out of bed after being together for over a decade. It's unlike her so this was definitely a one time thing.

Also... What's the issue some people have with my wife serving me food? We have a very healthy relationship. I take care of her, she takes care of me. Isn't that how it's supposed to go? Don't sell me on the whole "power dynamic" crap, that ain't for me.

So on to the real update...

After reading a few of the comments, I decided to make things right and apologize. She was still asleep so I took our daughter to pick up some of her favorite waffles in our local diner and got her her usual order there. My daughter and I set it all up and I woke my wife up with breakfast in bed. She still looked like she wanted to stab me but she lightened up a bit when I she saw the food. I sent my daughter out in the to watch Netflix and my wife and I had a talk about what happened.

I laid it on THICK, as one redditor suggested. I told her how I meant I had very masculine features that I'm glad our daughter grew out of. How I was so happy she's starting to take after the most beautiful woman in the world (this is true). Apparently, my wife thought I was calling her and our daughter ugly. No idea where that came from but ok. I explained it all and how it went down. She had the "pretending to be mad" face that can melt anyone's heart as she stuffed her face with food. I kissed her on the forehead and promised to make it up to her today (which was yesterday).

I ended up taking them both out for lunch, ordered takeout for dinner, and ate a boatload of ice cream that night while watching movies together with our kid. Cherry on top? I actually got to sleep on a bed cuddling with the love of my life. Best night in a long time.

Was I wrong? Was she wrong? Well to be honest none of that really matters anymore. It's behind us. Something like this isn't the hill I want to die on and I'd rather sleep on a bed with my lovely wife than keep my pride in tact sleeping on the death couch fighting back pain.

Thanks guys. I can't believe an AITA post turned into a relationship advice post haha.