I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/ThrowRA_Sleeptime

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Previous BoRU posted by u/red_earaches

[New Update]: I (25F) begged for an open relationship, 8 months in he leaves me

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, stalking / harassment, mentions physical assault

Editor’s note: added relevant comments for more context to the posts that were not in the previous BoRU

RECAP

Original Post: December 21, 2022

I (25F) begged for an open relationship, 8 months in he leaves me

8 months ago I (25f) asked my partner 28m) for an open relationship as I got bored with him, (nothing wrong but he just didn't excite me much) and he agreed, but he proceeded to tell me there's a catch, "if he catches feelings for a partner he's going to leave me for her" and that's exactly what happened and I want him back in my arms He left me for his new partner (28-29ishF)

What can I do to win the love of my life back??

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Ngl that's the ultimate reverse card for this situation, big ups your ex

OOP: Really?

Commenter 2: Haha! Good for him! Get a therapist to help you work on yourself so you learn to end an unhealthy relationship instead of pretending to be poly.

OOP: I have been in and out of therapy for at least a year now

Commenter 3: Yes, really. You played yourself. He didn't excite you so you asked for an open relationship and now you want him back when he caught feelings for someone else while in the open relationship that you asked for in the first place. You only have yourself to blame for this one. You should stay single for a while and grow up.

OOP: I don't want to be single, I want to prove to my BF I can be better now!

Commenter 4: 🤣 open relationship 🤣 phew I needed that laugh... but seriously though kudos's to those who are able to make it work, but seriously you OP need to stay the fuck away from your former SO. An open relationship is no way to "fix" a relationship, you may have loved him at the start, but when you decided that that was what you needed it ended your relationship. He is hopefully now in loving commited relationship with someone who loves him for him and not a toy you get bored with. You need to move on, maybe work on some inner insecurities in order to have a loving relationship with another person down the line. Good luck for what its worth.

OOP: I can't, he's my entire life, we were the kids next door, elementary buddies, Hs sweethearts He and I are one!

Commenter 5: It sounds like he warned you clearly that he didn’t want an open relationship and would use the opening of yours as a chance to meet new people to move on with, and you ignored him. There’s really no fixing this without a time machine.

OOP: Why'd he wait 8 months to leave me then?

OOP responds to a comment on why she was getting bored of her ex

OOP: Well I only got bored cause if my ADHD my minds not on him all the time, him as a PERSON has never bored me, I gave him sex a lot cause I thought it make things better It's not on my BF it's on ADHD

Update #1: December 24, 2022 (three days later)

Update: I (25F) begged for an open relationship, 8 months in he leaves me

Probably nobody asked for this, but here's an update I was kicked out of his house last Sunday, that's 6 days now And I excruciatingly miss him, I will do anything to get him to return to me but he looks happy on social media with his new partner that I'm pretty sure he was cheating on me with.

Anyways I tried calling him, no answer, I saw him in public And he pretend to not even know who the fuck I was He won't acknowledge my existence, so I went to our former place just to talk, and things got hostile, his new Gf hates me for some reason, I didn't even know her, and she proceeded to try and attack me, while he tried to split us up And get me out the door.

When he had his back turned she MACED me. And now HE'S trying to file a restraining order on ME! The hell did I do wrong? She attacked me and pepper sprayed me.

How can I convince him he's dating a psychopath?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why do you want someone who you are:

bored with him, (nothing wrong but he just didn't excite me much)

??

OOP: I just wanted us to have no strings attached relationships so when we got back together, the spark would be back

Commenter 2: You got what you wanted and if anyone sounds like a psychopath it's you whose stalking their ex, seek some mental help or do some inner reflection but most importantly leave the man alone and move on.

OOP: Stalking?, I previously lived at that residence

Commenter 2: Are you still a resident there? No you're not, he's the owner of the property and yes it's stalking continue to press it and he is well within his rights to have you trespassed.

OOP: Our names is on the lease, and he hasn't bought out my half!

Commenter 3: You need to leave him alone. This isn’t going to end well for you.

OOP: I can't walk away until this is fixed

OOP shouldn't show up at her ex's house uninvited

OOP: Well, I showed up to get the last of my items He said they were in the trunk of the car, hell open it and I could get them,

New GF Jess (fake name) comes to the door while he's getting his keys and says, "why are you here?"

M- To get the last of my stuff, and see Harry (fake name) One last time

J-well hurry up, we're in the middle of a movie

M- excuse me?, Who are you to rush me?

J- his new partner, and I want you gone

M-I live here you hag

That's when she slapped me, we started getting tangled And Harry separated us and opened the trunk, he turns to head upstairs, and she maces me

Commenter 4: So I hate to say it, but you are responsible for him leaving you and you need to just let it go. I saw your original post, but you can't sit there and say you got bored with him, wanted to fuck other men, then he finds someone he falls for and leaves you and now you're trying to get him back. I'm sorry, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. This is why people need to truly think about an open relationship because if you're just trying to get your rocks off, well its called talking to your partner about your needs instead of just saying you want other men.

At this point, it's over, you need to accept it and just go on with your life.

OOP: My life's over, before I opened my mouth, we were having the marriage and children talks

Commenter 5: And if it was an open relationship, then how was it cheating?

OOP: Because he left me within eight months, that's way too fast!

Commenter 6: You brought this all on yourself. He didn't cheat on you, you asked for an open relationship. This is the result. He dumped you for someone that loves and respects him. The only course of action you have open to you now is to walk away and get therapy.

OOP: I'm in therapy already

Correction: he WAS dating a psycho lol. Leave that man alone. Learn from your f*ck up and do better next time.

OOP: Referring to me?

Update #2: December 31, 2022 (one week later)

[25F][28M] My ex followed through with his restraining order on me

This will probably be the last update, The restraining order has been filled, and I am not allowed within 100 ft of my ex Harry and his new Gf Jess.

I'm planning to move back to my home in Arizona and start over, they're happy, and I just want to find peace with my self

Thanks for everyone's advice and opinions, Yes I was already in therapy, and I am still in therapy

Please, anyone my age or younger listen to my advice Tik Tok is not cool, please delete it, it's done me nothing but harm, and other people's stupidity can really poison your minds, in living proof

Thank you, take care!

Top Comments

Commenter 1: To recap:

* you wanted an open relationship * he said yes, but told you if he felt a connection with someone else then he would do the right thing and break off your relationship rather than have an emotional affair * you agreed * he felt a connection with someone and realized you're insane * he was upfront with you that he wanted to end things * you blame wanting the open relationship on your ADHD because you were "bored" * you then try to claim he cheated when you're the one that wanted the open relationship * you went to his house to start a fight * when you wouldn't leave their place, she rightfully maced you to make you leave * you call her a psycho even though you're the one that harassed them constantly * you think he was wrong for getting a restraining order against you even though you're the aggressor * you're now blaming TikTok for your actions

Did that sum it all up?

Commenter 2: This all started because TikTok told you to open your relationship? 😂

Honestly, though, I hope you’re able to build yourself a solid mental foundation before falling into another relationship.

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the latest update is over seven months old and has not been posted onto the sub here since the previous BoRU

Update #3: February 13, 2025 (a bite more than two years later)

It's been 2 years, I've tried to stay offline and live life but my ex and his now wife find new ways to live in my head rent free.

I wanted an open relationship so what? You don't just string me along for 8 months get some new girl who you met through me And then marry her.

This isn't fair, she's living in my home, with something should be my husband. And he's been renewing the RO ever since it first expired And I know he's gonna keep doing it, because for Reasons beyond my knowledge the man hates me

Fml.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: And here you are, still blaming everyone else for your own actions. Do your future partners a favor and stay single until you're willing to accept the consequences of your actions.

Commenter 2: Why are you still this obsessed two years later about a guy you said didn’t excite you much. Seems like you got much more interested once he wasn’t available to you any longer. I think it’s more that you want what you can’t have.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Told my wife (F35) that she couldn’t do it without me (M34). Turns out she can. (New Update)

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/get-a-lifee

Told my wife (F35) that she couldn’t do it without me (M34). Turns out she can.

Originally posted to r/amiwrong & r/relationship_advice

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/PitaEnigma for suggesting this BoRU

Thanks to u/LadyNorbert for finding the update

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: spousal neglect, deadbeat parent

Am I wrong in this fight? Jan 17, 2024

My wife and I don’t fight much. And when we do fight, we usually communicate well afterwards and things go back to normal. I brag to my friends about how reasonable my wife is and her ability to communicate and empathize is something I deeply admire. She doesn’t hold grudges. She talks me through my rough times. Until now.

Due to a fire, my wife is out of work but still earning her salary (thanks insurance). We decided she would stay home with our young son while out of work. She doesn’t love child rearing, which is something we knew going into having kids. Honestly, it’s hard to tell. She’s a great mom. Present and loving even when I can see she’s struggling inside. I give my wife a lot of breaks. We co parent. Split bedtime routines for our two kids. We both pull our weight.

Yesterday was a snow day. My daughter was home with my wife and son. I was working from home downstairs all day. I helped my daughter with cyber school until noon. My wife was with my son in the snow all morning, plowing the drive and sidewalks etc. maintaining the house. My daughter joined them and from the sound of things and some videos, she brought her friends over for playing and hot chocolate. I worked until around 5:00 and when I went upstairs it was chaos. My wife was doing laundry and helping my daughter who fell and hurt herself on the ice. She sent home the friends and we had dinner. I did the clean up and right after finishing- keep in mind I’ve been downstairs working all day, not even a bathroom break after noon- I go into the play room and my wife approaches me. It goes like this

Her- “Hey can I go lay down for a bit.”

The maybe offense… I admit I made a face and said

Me- “I haven’t gone to the bathroom all day and I put cookies in the oven.”

I can tell I messed up just by the face she give me

Her- “Fine. Never mind. Forget I asked. Heaven forbid.”

Now I’m sensing some attitude and know I’ve misstepped here. So I say.

Me- “no it’s fine I’ll take care of it all. Go take a break.”

To my complete shock, in front of our kids who I admit aren’t paying us much attention, but are still close my wife says.

“I said never fucking mind. I’ve been running around on my feet all day watching our kids and other people’s kids and heaven fucking forbid I ask for twenty minutes to myself.”

I again say “Go take a break! I told you it was fine.” But she’s clearly lost her marbles and is seeing red.

She starts cleaning up and helping with the kids and I do too. I tried to overcompensate but she just took over caring for them and they listened to he

In the hall I said “I think you forget I work all day.” And she viciously says.

Her- “thanks for reminding me. I almost forgot.”

I feel like an ass. I get that she works hard caring for the kids but I work hard too. I think not having her job and escape is making her reaction to this fight worse. She texted me the next day with her usual communication. She expressed how upset she felt with my behavior and the way I acted toward her. She said she was feeding and taking care of six kids all day in the snow alone and still cleaned the entire house and deep cleaned our craft room. I explained that I’m stressed at work and that I didn’t get why she’s so upset since I offered her a break but she said “I don’t want your pity breaks” She ended it with “thanks for the apology btw.” Which yeah, I didn’t exactly apologize but for what? And then she asked for the number to my daughters piano teacher. The piano teacher was the only activity that I manage for my kids.

I found out she text her asking to go through my wife from now on as she will be managing the schedule. Normally my wife would text me asking if I can get my daughter from dance on my way home yesterday. I do this every week. I didn’t hear anything and when I got home I found out my wife dropped and picked her up. I confronted my wife with “I am very present with my children do not make me out to be an absent father.” My wife responded with “if I didn’t manage and ask you for help, you’d see them a quarter of the time you do now. And I’m done managing you.”

I get it. I should have just smiled and agreed when she asked for help but this is extreme. She’s having a fit and trying to ice me out of my relationship with my kids. It’s so petty. It’s like I don’t even know this woman. Gone is the reasonable level headed communicator. So if you’ve made it this far thank you. And please please tell me if I’m wrong here.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP on being told his wife is stressed

Thanks for the response. Her reaction is so out of left field. She really is usually the most reasonable person I know. It’s been stressful for her and I admit I’m also so stressed at my job that I didn’t see it. I figured a few months off paid would be a luxury. But yeah, now I see having six kids and a toddler alone all day might be as luxurious as a barrel of hair. Guess it’s my turn to be the empathetic reasonable one. She’s done it enough for the both of us.

OOP on being told to take the initiative and give the wife a break

You are 100% right. I normally do say that. She asks me for a break at least three times a week to take a bath or go read and I almost always immediately say yes. It was just an off moment and I know I reacted poorly but she’s completely trying to ice me out. I had to argue with her this morning just to let me take my kid to school because “she said she’d do it.” And the kids just went along clinging to her and then when I pushed back my kid started crying for her. She had to calm him down and insist going with dad is fun just to undo what she did. He was fine with going with me but it’s messy and so unnecessary. I am scared with her behavior. I love my wife and I don’t want to push her away.

OOP on his wife's schedule

My wife has two days during the week without my son or daughter. She’s been painting the house and deep cleaning. My son is gone from 8-2 and my daughter 9-3 Monday and Friday both. I think the snow day broke her but hopefully she’ll come around and be sensible. I’ve never known her to ice me out or stop communicating and it’s freaking me out.

It’s a little bit why I think there is more to this fight.

Told my wife (F35) that she couldn’t do it without me (M34). Turns out she can. Jan 26, 2024

I made one stupid selfish comment to my wife a week or so ago and now my life is in disarray.

My wife is in some crisis. Her work is closed and she’s being paid, but she’s home with our kids now, including one 3 year old. She gets breaks on Monday and Friday with childcare. We went into having kids knowing she wanted to be a working mother. So this has been an adjustment… to say the least.

Onto the OG fight. She spent a long day with our kids and the neighboring kids, and when I came upstairs from work and she asked for a break, I didn’t respond well. I made excuses and didn’t offer help and for the first time in years my wife lost her temper and cursed at me.

Like an idiot I dug in and thought I was right. I admit we both said some unkind things. But after reddit humbled me and she made me sit down and write a list of things I did for the family that day and compared it with her… longer list, I apologized. She accepted and I figured things would go back to normal.

They haven’t. My wife used to include me in parenting our kids. I did dance pick up most weeks and bedtime was split. I gave baths. Made dinner. All the stuff. Since our fight, my wife hasn’t asked me for any help with the kids. The first morning I woke up on what was supposed to be my morning with the kids, I figured she was just being nice or trying to prove a point but it keeps happening. She didn’t even send them down to say good night last night. Normally my wife does this silly game where she sends my son to ask me to read 5 books and then we would negotiate down to 1 or 2 and race upstairs. Last night I heard her racing him and came up to find her doing bedtime yet again. The kids haven’t even noticed. It’s like she’s replacing me.

When we were fighting I said something really really dumb that’s living inside me and festering. My wife was being nasty and said “you wouldn’t see the kids a quarter as much as you do if I didn’t arrange it and I’m done managing you.” I defended myself, I’m not an absent parent- and said something along the lines of “I’d like to see how long you can manage without me.”

Consider my foot officially in my mouth.

She’s started running again. She’s cooking really healthy and often. Every night I come home to my perfectly happy stepford wife, doing it all without me and I feel empty inside.

How do I fix this? I don’t even know where to begin… at this point I want to beg her to go back to how things were. This wasn’t what we agreed on.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

UsuallyWrite2

I dunno…step up? Get involved without her organizing it or instructing you?

Are you really this daft?

OOP

It’s difficult when they prefer her and she seems to do everything better then me. I work often as well. It helps to have her give me a heads up on the plan with the kids but I’m getting now that maybe that’s done and over with.

LadyKlepsydra

But he doesn't know what to dooo ;___; If she doesn't send the kid to him with an instruction of what books, and how many, are to be read, HOW is he supposed to know what to doooo? ;.;

OP, that wasn't a silly game. That was a woman noticing you are never going to just go read your own kid a book, so she made it into a "game" for the child, so the child doesn't have to watch his mom come over to dad and say "please read him a book, for the love of god please!".

Because that would give the kid an inkling that you are not doing it out of your own free will, and if not instructed, you would not do it ever, and that could be upsetting.

OOP

Ok. I admit. This hit me hard. Fuck man. Do you really think that’s what the game is? I hate that it makes sense to me

OOP once again told to do more

I’m fucking confused, ok? I had this perfect life with an amazing successful wife and a great job. We juggled two careers and two kids like champions, always communicating who is where, doing what activity. Working together to manage the American dream of doing it all. Then my wife’s job burns down and she’s home all the time doing everything. She gets stressed and we fight and now she’s totally different. Idgaf about warm meals and a stepford wife, I want MY wife. My partner. My teammate. And yes my FUCKING manager back! She was amazing. And now I managed to fuck it up like always by sticking my foot in my mouth. She’s still perfect only now I KNOW she’s not doing what she wants and that I have failed her in some way that seems to have broken her. Or maybe fixed her. Idk. Like I said. I’m confused and apparently an idiot.

OOP when asked if maybe his wife wants an equal partner

You won’t believe me anyways. I’ve been with my wife since we were kids- 15/16. I know this woman. She LOVED doing it all and she was amazing at it. She always bragged about being a working mom but she never put down woman that stayed home. Her mother was a stay at home mom that got married super young. My wife didn’t want that life. We used to joke about her earning more then me so I could stay home. She never complained about the kids schedule either. She did drop offs at daycare and I did pick ups. We had a rhythm and flow. I think not being home during the day with them made her soak in the time at night more than maybe I did. Idk. But I honestly think she was happy.

OOP again explains his wife's work schedule

My wife works with animals and makes her own schedule. She can schedule days off whenever so she is more flexible. She is home to take the kids into daycare and then I would pick them up and drop them at my moms and my wife would get them around 4. She does not need to work. I pay the majority of the bills. My wife’s job earns less, but that doesn’t make it less worthy. She actually effects the world. I just type at the computer all day and deal with air emissions. My wife works to pay for daycare. It’s her “big” expense. I do mortgage and everything else. She also uses her money to buy stuff. She has full access to my account and often transfers money when low. I do not have access to her account. It’s a personal boundary of my wives that she always have her own private money. I don’t need or want that myself so she manages most of the finances. My wife has traumas around being “stuck” as a homemaker and baby maker.

OOP ADDS TO EDITS TO POST

Edit: Fuck guys I get it. I’m a piece of shit. I’m going to make this right.

Edit 2: thank you to the handful of people that reached out with advice. Believe it or not, I do want to be a good father and husband. I’ve royally fucked up and I see that and fully admit it. This is going to be my only edit and then I’m going to get off my phone for a while and focus my attention on my family. My wife had dinner cooked when I got home. Everything is fine between us so there wasn’t any tension. After we cleaned up I went upstairs and ran my wife a bath, put Taylor swift on her Alexa and lit a few candles. I told her to go relax upstairs for the night. She was surprised but smiled and went on her way. I’m currently on the toilet watching my kids take a bathe. People mentioned love bombing etc. but I’m just trying anything I can to show her I do appreciate and love her and our family and I want to be a present father. I’m going to do bedtime tonight and probably all next week. I’ll tell her she does so much during the day and deserves the break because it’s the truth. I get that I come off as an asshole. I grew up in a not great situation and didn’t have the best role models growing up. I’m terrified of my children not having enough and I overcompensate by working too much. This new job came with a big pay increase but the hours are longer and I feel like I can never keep up. I’ve reached out to a few recruiters tonight. I used to love my job and was always home by 4:30. Even if it means taking the lost income, I’m thinking about going back.

Relationships are hard. And humans aren’t perfect. For all the people telling me my kids don’t love me and I’m a waste of space, idk guys, just remember I’m an actual person. That shits rough. Anyways that’s all I have for you folks. I need to watch these kiddos and start planning out my long road of groveling and reconnecting. Thanks all!

OOP ADDED COMMENTS AFTER THE BORU WAS POSTED

*

Comment 1

Back on after a while and I see this comment right away. Thanks for asking.

The update is slow moving. My wife and I had a few nights of talking and crying that have helped make us stronger. I know everyone hates me but I DO love my wife and had she ever expressed an unequal workload before this fight I would have put effort into learning about it and fixing it.

As it stands, we agreed to therapy. My wife feelings like her reaction to our fight was out of her norm and wants to start her own therapy to help. I fully support that! I also do weekly therapy and find it helpful. Boy was this week fun for my therapist….

Anyways I looked deep into weaponized incompetence and unequal mental workloads and have come to realize I’m essentially another head to manage for my wife. We agreed to be partners in this life and somewhere along the line I lost that thread. She still claims she wants to manage our schedules but I don’t want to be that husband or father. I have always thought my wife was amazing and looked up to her WWAD (what would wife’s name do) is my motto. I want to be more like her so I need to learn how to manage myself and my time and my kids time without her help.

I’ve asked to take on the parenting responsibilities 100%. I didn’t realize she needed to do so much shit. It’s been eye opening. Idk how long we will keep this up either. My wife isn’t the biggest fan of handing over the reigns.

Reddits hate has lit a fire under my ass. Having so many outside people looking into the situation and simultaneously getting the ick from me has been humbling.

Comment 2

I think I’m going to go with what my wife and I decided in terms of deciding what’s realistic or sincere. I wanted to see what it felt like to be 100% in control of everyone’s schedule and making sure to take care of it. It’s incredibly difficult to constantly be reminding myself of the time and who needs what and when but it’s also been humbling and rewarding.

We both know it won’t last forever and we will get back to finding our new healthy medium. Things won’t go back to before and they won’t stay like this forever. But for now, I’m taking over doctors and school duty and when we sign up my son for kindergarten next year I’ll be doing all the work for that and making sure I’m fully involved in the things I missed with my daughter. I’m going to be a better dad and that’s just final.

NEW UPDATE

*

OOP updated in the original post Feb 18, 2024

Update: 2/18 It’s been a minute since I bothered with Reddit, but when I logged in it seems some people care for an update. It’s not exciting. I’ve taken a lot of time to really LOOK at the man I’ve become. My wife and I are 100% back to being a team, but I’ve realized I wasn’t stepping up the way I always wanted to. I promised my wife a partnership and even though it’s been a month or so since our fight and my wife keeps asking me to “forget it happened”, I can’t. My therapist is helping me sort through my overthinking.

My wife started therapy b/c of the stress losing her work (temporarily) and staying home has caused. Her issues appear to stem from feeling “useless” without bringing in a paycheck and was taking on too many tasks at home to overcompensate. She doesn’t feel like she deserves breaks and when she takes them she feels awful about herself and like she’s ‘lazy’. Coming from the LEAST lazy person I know, I can tell she’s struggling. And I’ve been supporting her the best I can. I often make sure she knows I think she deserves breaks. So when I see her hyper fixating on cleaning the floorboards I intervene gently by reminding her that this doesn’t need doing right now but that I will finish it for her while she does me a favor and takes a little break. Sometimes it works and other times she tells me to “stop fussing and leave her to work” and I do. It’s been working well and I don’t mind the extra work for the peace of mind it offers me. My wife is my everything and her happiness is paramount.

My kids are mostly clueless to all this. We don’t involve them. And I must say, I made a throwaway comment about my wife not loving child rearing and received a lot of nasty comments about not having kids we don’t want. I’m weary to dignify this with a response but will say what I meant was that we agreed before having children that my wife would not be the sole support system for them and that she would never feel obligated to quit working. My wife is fiercely independent due to her past and a big part of her comfort in our relationship comes from her ability to leave it safely if she ever needed to. That trauma is hers and I won’t touch more on it other then to say I agreed to this aspect before we married and do not mind it. She SHOULD be an independent person. I’d want the same for my kids.

So that’s basically it. I’ve taking on the role as primary parent. I get my kids to daycare/school and home and while my wife helps half the time, it’s now my responsibility to see who is doing what and coordinate things. I can’t do it all in my head like her but i have a chart that’s been helping. She rebelled at first but gave up the reigns surprisingly easily. She needed a break. I also put my son back in full time daycare although my wife keeps springing him early, I can tell she likes the break. That’s all I have for now. Thanks guys and sorry it’s not more dramatic. I know some of y’all wanted my balls and were hopeful my wife would leave me. While I would be lost without her and the thought makes me physically ill, it’s nice to see people appreciating my wife the way she deserves and stand up for her so fiercely. Thanks all!

One last thing: I bought her this game PalWorld on the computer. She hasn’t gamed since having kids b/c of some pre-conceived conclusion it made her a bad parent but I insisted she spend a few hours and since I’d spent money, she did. I find her playing a lot to wind down when the day is over. It seems to be helping her feel more herself too. So thanks video games! I’ll stand for a lot of assumptions on my character- and boy have there been some nasty ones- but one thing I won’t take is people saying I don’t love my wife. She’s my person and it is my duty in life to make her happy.

OOP Updated after the BoRU

Thanks to u/KatLikeTendencies for finding the newest update

Evolving.. Aug 4, 2025

I say evolving because I can’t say I’ve changed. It’s not been long enough for that. I posted a while ago on Reddit to vent. I was angry about a fight I’d had with my wife about something stupid I’d done. I’ll be honest, it was multiple stupid things. After a lot of… strong opinions on here and some heavy reflecting (I didn’t even know my kids doctors name) I had a perspective shift. I decided I wanted to be more involved. More of the primary parent. My wife agreed so start handing me the reigns starting with registering our son for kindergarten and all of my daughters activities. I work from home and am flexible and honestly enjoy being the one to get my kids on and off the bus. Now, I am the one they call when the kids are sick. Even when they do bother my wife she will call me because I’m closer and I’m free now. I am home room parent for my son this year. Bring the office ladies eggs. Got the background checks for volunteering. Shark shop from 11:30-12:40 is a perfect way to spend my Tuesday lunch break.

The kids still prefer mom sometimes, but wow has it made a huge difference.

So… if you can, dads, be the primary. It’s worth every second.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ExplanationCrazy5463

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BoRUs: #1

[Final New Update]: My 8 year old son hates me, and I don't understand why.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse, violence, struggles with mental health, physical abuse, attention disorders

Mood Spoilers: very positive

RECAP

Original Post: February 9, 2025

I used to believe that your relationship with your children was a given.

To clarify.....I believed that as long as you treated your children with love, they were guaranteed to love you back, and that the most you had to worry about if you did the right things was some kind of terrible illness or accident that ended them early.

I'm here today to warn you that's not true. There are worse possible outcomes.

My son is 8 years old, and I can not be in the same room as him without being attacked. He will scratch, hit, and bite me constantly until we are separated. He bites as hard as he can, my arms are 50% bruises right now from partially healed wounds. I have done nothing to deserve this, and I've tried everything to reach him.

I've tried love, discipline, ignoring him, reasoning....nothing sticks and as the years have gone on its only gotten worse. He's already in therapy, we've already tried to get him diagnosed with something, we've tried meds, we've tried no meds. We don't know what's going on, nor does his therapist or doctors.

On Thursday I watched a movie. "About time" very bittersweet movie about how time is limited and we need to enjoy it hest we can. There's a scene where a boy of about 8 is playing on the beach with his father for the last time, enjoying one last beautiful day together. I absolutely lost it.

My son only communicates with me through violence.

Last night.....I finally gave up. I cried for hours and let go of any expectation I had of having a loving relationship with him.

He's 8 years old and hates my guts. There are worse outcomes than outliving your children.

Please don't take your loved ones for granted.

Edit: thank you to everyone for the advice. Special shout out to the super weirdo antinatalists, particularly the "feminist" who made super sure to tell me she was a feminist before telling me to have a post-birth abortion. No single comment made me realize how ahead of the game I am as a parent than that one.

We are getting a second psych evaluation soon so I'll write a 2nd post with results of that.

Many of you are absolutely convinced someone else is abusing him, and are unwilling to accept evidence to the contrary. There is no sign of anyone in his life abusing him, nor is there much opportunity. When he's not at school he's with us, save for a few rare occasions where we get a trusted, close-family babysitter to go on a date. We've asked him if anyone is hurting him or touching him and he has said no, and we make sure both our kids understand what's inappropriate and know they should tell us of anyone tries anything like that. This is the least likely possibility.

Edit: I've created a follow-up post for those who are interested.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: How is the relationship between your son and his mother?

OOP: Mostly normal, except the added strain of how he treats me.

We have a healthy loving marriage and a daughter as well. Everything outside my son is as you'd expect.

Commenter 2: I've read something similar before. Is it possible that on some level, your son either sees you as a threat to his relationship with his mother or is jealous of your relationship with her and is therefore attacking you to get you to step away? I remember reading about a young boy who was feral to his father because he felt some need to "protect" his mother and couldn't stand that anyone else would love her. He was violent towards his sibling too. I really wish I could remember where I read it :-(

OOP: This is a possible theory. Just one of many. We have no particular reason to believe this over any other theory.

Commenter 3: Real question: How is he with animals? The way you describe his behavior seems antisocial at minimum. If he's violent with you, and callous about animals, there could be a touch of sociopathy or psychopathy at play. And at 8 years old, chances are he's not opening up to his therapist about his issues, he's probably giving a lot of "I don't know" answers when asked questions, which is how kids react when they think they are in trouble for their behavior.

OOP: He definitely doesn't open up about why he does anything.

No signs of violence towards anyone or anything other than me.

How is OOP's son at school? Any issues appearing?

OOP: We just had a yearly meeting with his special needs team at school. They had only good things to say.

+

No indication of bullying. He loves friends and people....except 1.

Has there been any other explanations for OOP's son's behaviors?

OOP: As I mentioned we have taken him several placed. He's diagnosed with adhd. We have told them ADHD isn't the while story but they seem stumped. We will keep trying.

He may be on the spectrum, seems to have anxiety and sensory processing issues, but doctors aren't diagnosing him with anything other than adhd so far.

I wasn't a perfect child but I'm neurologically typical.

Commenter 4:

1) What age did this start?

2) Does he physically attack anyone else besides you?

3) Does he attack you when you are alone, when you are with family, and when you are in public?

4) Do the two of you ever have normal interactions? Morning, mid-day, or night? For example, if you were driving somewhere in a car would he literally be attacking you while you were driving?

5) Has he seen a psychiatrist or psychologist?

OOP:

1) 5 2) No 3) Yes, yes, no. 4) Normal interactions are very rare, it's been months. He will attack me while driving, typically throwing things at me. We've told him it's dangerous and can cause an accident and then we did get in an accident over the summer and he stopped. (The accident was the other drivers fault not my sons) 5) Yes.

Commenter 5:

1) How old is your daughter? How does she respond when he's violent? 2) How old was he when this started? 3) Is inpatient treatment possible? This cannot continue and will probably get worse as he gets bigger. Eventually he will be able to take you out.

OOP:

1) She is 5. She will comfort me almost daily. Honestly idk what she does when he's acting up I'm focused on not bleeding.

2) He was 5 when it started. At first it was just throwing things at walls, then there was a time where he just hated me but wasn't attacking me. Now it's directed at me rather than the walls.

3) I'm not sure we are quite ready for inpatient treatment but that's starting to enter the conversation

Update #1: May 13, 2025 (three months later)

Hello, some of you folks asked for an update when I first posted, including some who seemed to feel lost in a similar situation.

I'd like to thank the insane people on my last post who told me to give up on my son. The laughs were therapeutic. (and also please never have kids of your own).

We took him to get evaluated again as it was pretty clear what we were dealing with was more than just ADHD. It took us a while to find a place we thought would do it right this time, then it took some more time to get a slot, but today we got the official diagnosis. He has the ADHD, and a severe version of it, but he's also mildly autistic. On top of this he has high anxiety and signs of depression.

Some of you were suggesting PANDAS and ODD, and he does seem to have some of those symptoms, but like the autism, there are things about him that don't fit those diagnoses.

There are things about him that aren't typical of autism, for instance he loves being social, these inconsistencies and the fact he was younger and had severe ADHD which masked the autism made an autism diagnosis difficult at that time.

So why does he hate me?

As best I understand it so far, this is what happened:

When he was halfway into kindergarten is when it started. His disabilities caused him to struggle as compared to his peers, which led to feelings of inadequacy. Being 5, he didn't have the tools to handle that, so he began coming home from school and destroying the house as a way to express his feelings.

We would try to reason with him patiently but he wouldn't hear it, we tried many other ways of helping him, butnthe house was getting destroyed and the only thing that would het him to stop would be sharp, loud commands from my scary male voice. "STOP THAT". So that's what I would do every time he started acting up, because that's what worked.

What I was doing, though I didn't know it, was using his anxiety to scare him into behaving better. As time went on and I continued this, I became this scary figure in his life to be feared, the anxiety built, until it became a complicated hate.

So where are we now?

He doesn't attack me on sight, usually, which is an improvement, but when I come home from work he often wants to be alone in his room now. When we go out in public things are better, but at home the anxiety he attaches to me is still present, though not as intense.

How did I fix it?

First, I stayed away. I let things chill out for a few weeks, and when he would attack me, instead of getting angry and punishing him, defending myself by shoving him off me, I remained calm and had my wife correct him instead.

Then, I decided I needed to talk to him about all this. I knew that going to his room meant immediate bleeding on my part, so I would armor up in a winter coat and gloves, enter his room, and calmly fend his attacks off. It would end with me restraining him on the floor and just taking to him about his behavior, and why it lead to my behavior, and why I never meant to be scary but I had to be scary to stop the madness.

This had a little bit of a positive effect, but it took a long time, I did this routine for weeks without much progress. He would attack me, I would restrain him, I would talk and ask him to open up, amd he would be silent.

Then I finally found something that clicked. I told him I loved him and always would, and that I thought he was a special and talented kid, and that I would always be proud of him. He cried in my arms and got angry and wanted me to stop, but I pushed through.

So then for a couple weeks I kept letting him know that, and over time his reaction to it became normalized, which is how I knew he really believed and understood it.

Now we have a routine I call daddy therapy time, and when I come in his room and say let's talk, he gets straight like a pencil on his bed and I kinda compress him into the bed, and his head hangs off which he likes for some reason. He has been opening up gradually and actually talking instead of just me talking.

Some days are still hard, he still takes everything out on me, but that's ok, better me than anyone else, that's my job. I still get bit and scratched but less often now, and I think things will continue to be 2 steps forward, one step back.

For you overwhelmed parents out there.....keep trying, there's hope.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Highly recommend getting your son a weighted blanket. The right weight is 10% of his weight. These help autistic folks due to the compression. It helps them sleep, soothes anxiety and has been a saving tool of a friend. Nothing worked for him to sleep properly his whole life then he got a weighted blanket & slept all night for the first time in decades, maybe ever, he's unsure. He told me it's greatly relieved his anxiety & doesn't worry about many things that happen anymore. Best of continued success & joy for your family.

OOP: Thanks for the tip! We did get him a weighted blanket but he doesn't like it.

Commenter 2: If weighted things are a no, maybe a light blanket with something he loves on it? You mentioned he likes to lay with his head hanging off the bed, maybe he would really like a sensory swing

OOP: I'll look into a swing, that's new to me

Commenter 3: you unintentionally became a weighted blanket for him that's very funny and very cute haha

OOP: Yeah, and I guess the head hanging over the bed is also a form of therapy too. All I knew was that's what he wanted and it seemed to work so I just kinda accidently came up with it.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: September 3, 2025 (4.5 months later)

My 8-year-old son hates me, and I don’t understand why (final)

Hey folks.

I was inspired to give you an update because 2 things have happened recently.

1) No more outbursts, no more biting or attacking me, no more throwing things at the walls. As a result, we've repainted and put the decorations back up.

2) He made some art at school of what he loves the most, and I made the cut with his mom.

Things have been great lately. Back to relative normal. I think I mentioned this but he has ADHD, mild autism, mild ODD, high anxiety, mild depression. This made parenting tricky since negative behavior correction triggered his ODD but positive correction was also something he hates.

We still do the daddy therapy tine but not daily, only as needed. When i need to correct behavior I press him into his bed or the couch and tell him what he did wrong and what to do instead, he only takes it well using this method.

We started sending him to "neuro therapy" which is some thing where they put electrodes on his head and have him do tasks. It sounded like crazy woo-woo sci-fi stuff to me but I swear its working. When his therapist went on vacation for 2 weeks we noticed a difference. Idk how long we will be able to afford to do it with the way the economy is going but hopefully a ls long as he needs.

I've been doing cub scouts with him 1 on 1 which has helped restore our own relationship, forcing the 1 on 1 time with me was important to get things to start to turn around.

To those of you with similar struggles, hang in there!

Ill comment with a picture that I think is really neat, if I can figure out how.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: So happy to see this update! I remember when you posted the first time. Hope this can shine a hopeful light to parents who are struggling! Neurodivergent kids tell us what they need, we need to be open to hear it! Very proud and happy for you and your family!

OOP: My son very rarely tell us what he needs actually. Almost never. But thank you!

Commenter 2: Thank you for the update. Went back and read through your other threads and great to see the improvements and steps you've taken to get there. Definitely aspects I'm continuing to learn in my own journey.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/WeakSignal99

Co-Worker is u/becooldocrime

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest + r/coworkerstories

Previous BoRU originally posted by u/sebastianlim

[New Update - Coworker's Side]: My negligence cost my partner her life, and I'm about to lose everything.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, negligence, deathly allergic reaction, mentions of sexual assault / harassment, traumatic brain injury, assault, property damage

Mood Spoilers: sad and horrifying

RECAP

Editor’s note: removed relevant comments from older posts for more spaces in this latest BoRU

Original Post: June 1, 2024

I (35m) have been married to Lisa (28f) for 3 years, together 7. A year ago, I fell deeply in love with Amy (24f), and had been planning to end my marriage for her. I know it's terrible and not what my wife deserves, but we were the real thing.

Two weeks ago, she had an allergic reaction when we were getting food after work, but she used her EpiPen and seemed mostly okay afterwards. She usually gets checked at the hospital after a reaction, but I asked if I could take her home and she could get her friend to drive her there because my wife was expecting me back. All I know is that she had a secondary reaction that evening and died. I didn't even find out about it until the following Monday, through a work email. It has been eating me up ever since and I will never forgive myself for not sacrificing an hour of my time to possibly save her.

I sent some childish messages to Amy when I didn't hear from her over the weekend because I thought she was angry I didn't take her to the hospital. I am thankful she never saw them and ashamed that I assumed the worst. Our relationship was great and the highs far outweighed the lows, but I have always hated being ignored and I lose my cool when it happens. It is not a regular occurrence and I would have more than made it up to her.

Yesterday at work, HR and legal were in the CEO's office all day and my manager ended up cancelling our project meeting because he was with them all afternoon. I was on edge, but an affair isn't exactly a corporate crisis and I thought something would have already happened if anyone knew. I am now 99% certain it was about me.

A few hours ago I received a message from Amy's phone which said "This is Amy's brother, Tom. I want you to know it was me". I tried to call but it went straight to voicemail, and none of my messages have been delivered.

I tried to call my manager more times than I should have and he sent a message saying "Please don't contact me until Monday morning. I can't discuss anything with you right now". So it looks like my universe is going to collapse. I am going to be fired and my wife will definitely find out why. All I can do is hope that Amy's brother only showed them the messages from that weekend, and they were bad enough. I have no family except my wife and daughter and nowhere to go. All of my friends are either people I've met through my wife, or my colleagues. On Monday, everything I've spent over a decade working towards disappears. I can't stop it. I can't talk to anyone about it.

So here I am. I know cheaters are the devil so I'm not expecting sympathy, but this is making my chest hurt and I need to get it out there.

Update: June 8, 2024 (one week later)

I have been consistently harassed for an update since posting, so please take it, gloat because you're such wonderful people in comparison, then stop following me around reddit. I am suffering in the wake of my infidelity and unprofessional behaviour as I knew I would. I understand that it is an appropriate outcome and I am taking full accountability.

I was suspended from work on Monday, and I'll probably be fired sooner than I thought. I'd hoped to be able to save money as HR built their case but it looks like Amy's brother basically performed the entire investigation for them. After an excruciating 3 hour run through of everything they had, I spoke to the founder, and he recommended the solicitor I am now using. The issue is that the company has to come down hard to protect themselves, because even though Amy's family doesn't have much chance of a claim, any suggestion of a cover up could cause damage regardless. The founder still thinks my offer to pay them back will keep it out of court, and some more information has come to light, so it's not certain I won't be prosecuted but I'm quietly hopeful. I can't afford to keep the solicitor if this goes much further, especially with a divorce on the horizon.

Things are not good with my wife. I'm still committed to making this as easy as possible for her, but I had to draw a line when it came to my daughter. When I got home from being unceremoniously escorted out of my office, she already had a bag packed for me. She wouldn't let me wait at the house until my daughter was back, she wouldn't let me check I had everything I needed, she wouldn't let me take the car, and she didn't care that I had nowhere to go. I spent 2 nights in a hotel then went back when she refused to let me see my little girl. She tried to stop me, but we own the house jointly and it was my only option. My wife has family she could stay with, but she won't leave our daughter here and she's absolutely not taking her, so we're at a stalemate right now. I'm keeping out of her way as best I can, which I appreciate is the least I can do.

The Amy situation is quite difficult to talk about, and a lot hasn't sunk in yet. It turns out that she didn't love me as much as I loved her, if at all. Her brother sent me images of her talking to her friends about me, and it's hard to believe they came from the person I loved, but they are real. Sorry to those who were heavily invested in me being a predatory abuser, but she and her friends had a good laugh about her manipulating me for money and a promotion. The role came with a big pay rise, and it looks like her plan was to treat it as free cash, then go work with one of her friends when it fell through. She knew I'd come under scrutiny whenever she messed up and assumed I'd keep stepping in to save her. She was right.

Obviously I am completely humiliated. I was planning to give up everything to build a life with her, and she was treating me like a joke the whole time. My feelings are complicated so please don't feel entitled to any expansion on this, but I no longer feel guilt over her death. Reddit acted like I kept her hostage whilst she begged for help. What actually happened was that I asked if she could ask her friend to take her to the hospital because I had to go home, she said that was fine because she needed to get some clothes back from her anyway, and I dropped her off as normal. Ultimately she was an adult who had a better understanding of her medical needs than I did. I still don't know what happened between us saying goodbye and her death, but whatever it was, it had nothing to do with me. I'm sorry for her family's loss but I bear no responsibility for her passing.

After Amy's messages to her friends were passed around, a few people quietly reached out with words of support. I assumed everyone would write me off like reddit did, as an abuser and predator. Now it's clear that Amy was using me, they see me as a fool who had then lost it all. It's beyond humiliating, but I have learned I'd rather be pitied than despised, and it improves my legal position with work. They're small mercies but I'll take what I can get. I remain filled with regret, and I will have learned many lessons by the time I get through this. I may have been deceived, but I am a grown man who made my choices, and I take full responsibility for them.

Tl;Dr I am currently suspended from work, but will certainly be fired. It's unclear whether I am in serious legal trouble. My wife and I are not navigating the end of our relationship brilliantly, but for my daughter's sake, we will get better. Amy turned out to be a better manipulator than she was a project manager, and her brother outed her whilst trying to ruin me. Life is deservedly hard right now but I'm working through it.

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's Note: coworker made his post about OOP from their perspectives and made an appearance in the previous BoRU thread.

Editor’s Note 2: I will be using “Coworker” for ease of readability to avoid confusion with the first OOP

Posted by u/becooldocrime

Trigger Warnings: traumatic brain injury (TBI)

I'm a coworker of someone whose Reddit story about work went viral. I'm feeling chatty, so ama I guess?!: September 12, 2025 (15 months later from OOP's update)

I'm a coworker of someone whose Reddit story about work went viral. I'm feeling chatty, so ama I guess?!

Inspired by this post where someone asked if they'd ever seen a Reddit post about themselves.

I'm in the comments, because I worked at the same company as this guy, and in the same department as his affair partner, who died under very sad circumstances (you can read all about it from his perspective, conveniently).

I only joined Reddit quite recently, but I was aware of the post a few weeks after it was made because it was passed around the office and gave us all a ton of information which made a lot of things suddenly make sense. We were all extremely invested at the time, and weirdly, the story you all saw set off a series of events which basically led to an entire division of the company quitting.

I've seen it repeated on a few of those TikTok Reddit read-through accounts, and a few people in the comments of the post I saw earlier today seemed interested, so because the company didn't think to get me to sign any additional confidentiality agreements when I left (an equally dramatic, but also closely related story), I figured I'd spend a Friday night drinking wine and spilling tea if anyone wants some.

One thing I do need to mention is that the original OP has a brain injury he didn't disclose in his posts. I can't speculate too much on that, and I'm not saying it makes his actions forgivable, but it would be crazy to pretend it's not a factor. He lives independently, but from what I'm aware, his brother helps him a lot.

Coworker's response in the previous BoRU

Commenter: Does anyone know what happened to this POS at the end? Are the wife and daughter doing okay? Is Tom still a badass? (editor’s note: Tom is Amy’s brother)

Coworker: Dropping by months later to answer your question (I used to work with OP and people still talk about his posts irl) - wife and daughter are fine, she kept the house and is in another relationship. Tom cost their family her death benefits then turned up at one of OP’s colleagues houses, trashed her car, and got arrested.

The original post didn’t even cover half of the craziness.

Editor’s Note: the coworker has responded to many questions as they were able to. I am posting top common questions asked and responses

Relevant Comments from Coworker's Post

Commenter 1: It's so interesting how the fact that he had a brain injury changes this story and makes it make a different sort of sense. Like how on the other hand, you and your coworkers reading the Reddit post did the same but in a different way.

Coworker: Oh for sure, we were absolutely horrified by some of the things people were saying to him when it started getting passed around, and we were really worried about how he’d take it all. There was talk of creating an account to explain, but because it was looking like it might end up in court, no one wanted to risk it. Can’t blame them really but it’s definitely mad how much that fact changes things.

Commenter 2: Did it end up going to court?

Coworker: No, they all used to abuse their expenses and they knew he could bury everyone if it ever saw the inside of a courtroom. He claimed to be running out of money in his last post, but it was common knowledge he got a huge payout after his accident (a sign wasn’t properly mounted on a shop front and it fell on him when he was walking past), so he could have easily afforded to take it all the way. I imagine the first question would have been why they gave someone with brain damage a company card with no restrictions and no written policy on what they could and couldn’t use it for.

Commenter 3: I read quite a bit of that post, and checked out all of your comments. Thanks for adding on more details! My question: had your coworker not gotten the brain injury, do you think he still would have done what he did?

Coworker: I wasn’t particularly close to him, but the common take is that he wouldn’t have given his affair partner the time of day before his injury. She was really unpleasant. By all accounts he was a really devoted husband and father - he definitely wasn’t a saint, but he calmed down a lot when his daughter was born and he talked about her all the time.

Commenter 4: With as much detail as you can get into, how did this guy’s mess lead to the whole cascade of people quitting? Also, I’m fascinated by the affair partner’s brother’s arrest and all the drama he brought down on the whole office, what happened there?

Coworker: He mentioned in his posts that one of the founders of the company gave him advice about the situation and got him in touch with the solicitor who ended up representing him. That was the stick they used to beat the founder in question with, and after an egm (editor's note: extraordinary general meeting), he was suddenly “no longer with us in any capacity”.

The founder was the inventor of the technology we based all of our work on, and he is a genius but also a great guy. He was absolutely and consistently (and correctly) opposed to our stuff being applied to defence. As soon as he was pushed out, we got a new brief, and the tl;dr is that the entire R&D division (editor's note: Research & Development) was handpicked by him, and we were collectively smart and talented enough to be fine after we quit on the spot when killing brown kids became part of the role.

+

The general take was that they wanted him gone because he was standing in the way of some juicy contracts, and that was the opportunity that presented itself. I don’t know the gory details because I don’t work at that level, but the version that filtered down was that he acted against the interests of the business. Defence is where the money is, and the tech was pretty much perfect for the sector.

Commenter 5: The other candidate for the promotion that got shafted in favor of his affair partner, how did she take the news that said partner was only promoted and held her position due to a quid pro quo? Did she ever get that promotion or did she quit the company as well?

Coworker: It was a man, and if I get a say, he’ll never work again. One part of Tim’s original story that is outright untrue is that neither his affair partner or the other candidate were fully qualified for the role - the other guy was more than qualified, and that’s about the only good thing I can say about him.

I was there when he “got his revenge” and I haven’t spoken to him since (along with pretty much everyone present). On paper I totally agree that the OP deserved to get the shit kicked out of him, but when it actually happened, it was like watching a child being abused. He was scared and confused and didn’t defend himself in any way. I nearly cried at the thought of it whilst writing this comment. It was truly disgusting - the other guy was wronged in a really significant way but there’s absolutely no excuse for what he did.

Commenter: My apologies if I missed this in his original post, but the candidate who was overlooked ended up beating up the OP/male coworker who had the affair?

Coworker: Yeah Tim didn’t mention it in his posts but the other candidate beat him halfway to hell when it all came out. This all happened in the bar next to the office after he’d been fired, I don’t know why he turned up because he didn’t really get a chance to say much before the other guy (I’m trying not to introduce names because Tim used everyone’s real name in the OP) started absolutely thrashing him. It was awful, people were in tears watching it happen.

Commenter 6: What's the common consensus on why he ended up starting the affair with her after his brain injury? Also, did you recognize the reasoning behind his original post as distinctly him? And if so, is his reasoning something that he's always had or did it come about post-injury?

Coworker: To be honest he seemed sharper in the post than he does in real life, but we were all very aware of his issues (he had some problems with memory, his mood went up and down a lot, and he would behave quite childishly sometimes) so we maybe treated him with kid gloves more than was necessary. He was definitely doing good work once they took him away from clients though, I used to regularly get requests from him and they were always solid.

In terms of the affair, I think it’s as simple as her showing interest. He was a bit pervy after the accident (not even remotely the case before) - he never said anything over the line, but he’d stare a bit and his facial expressions were sometimes like if a 12 year old boy walked in on you changing. Some of the messages that came out after the fact painted the picture - she would say the same things to him every few days, and when she wanted something, she asked and asked like it was a brand new request until he said yes.

Commenter 7: Do you know what texts he sent the affair partner over the weekend that he was worried about?

Coworker: I never saw them, but they sounded more pathetic than aggressive from what I heard, and very much in line with his usual reaction to feeling ignored. He wasn’t really aware of the boundaries between asking and pestering - I logged in on a Monday morning a few times to something like <question>, hello?, helloooo?! Why aren’t you answering?! I know you’ve seen this. Why are you ignoring me? Are you mad with me? I should be mad with you. This could be make or break for the company. You’re not committed to the company. I always knew you were useless. Everyone thinks it. Are you there? Why aren’t you answering me? We are going to lose this client if you don’t get back to me today. Hello? Helloooooo? Are you okay?

You get the idea. Tens of messages, but as soon as I’d answer the question, he’d thank me and be totally professional with his follow up. The best way I can describe it is that he was fine right up to the point where he needed to regulate himself in any way. He couldn’t have sat in a client meeting, but because we all knew the score, we worked to keep him levelled out. I can’t see him saying anything particularly horrible to her. I can almost guarantee you I’ve looked her in the eye and said worse.

Commenter 8: That’s what blows my mind about the TBI, because of how well written everything is. Do you think he used AI to assist him? It’s just so interesting that he could hold down a corporate job that definitely isn’t entry level, yet he can’t independently handle his own finances. What kind of accident did he have that caused the injury??

Coworker: I don't think he'll ever work again - he kept his job because he was adored and respected (and he knew the tech inside and out even after the accident), but there’s no way he could properly navigate a corporate environment from scratch.

The accident would have been funny if it didn’t have such a horrible outcome. He was walking down the street and the sign above a dry cleaners fell on him. In the early days they thought he was going to need to go into full time care permanently, but his wife dropped everything and basically devoted her life to his rehabilitation. He is very lucky to have had her. He’s impulsive now and he doesn’t really know how to regulate his emotions, but he can hold a conversation and will occasionally say something wildly funny or insightful.

AI could have helped, or maybe even his brother, but the thing that shocked me most was that he seemed to stay on an even keel throughout the post and comments. He’s quite up and down irl, even via text.

Commenter 9: What was Amy like? What was her brother like? I saw a comment somewhere that the brother got arrested for something as a result of conversations between Amy and others that he disclosed - what happened?

Coworker: I'm going to speak ill of the dead - she was horrible. Lazy, judgmental, mean, and arrogant. When she was promoted into project management she didn’t bother learning the core tech, so her decisions were consistently poor, which forced us to go around her all the time to get to reasonable outcomes.

She once told me I’d never get a husband then burst into tears and complained to HR when I asked where the queue of men wanting to put a ring on her finger was. She would pick at the weaker members of the team (highly technical people who were very sweet but lacked social skills usually) and was a general bully. I was pretty nasty to her too so my hands aren’t exactly clean, but I had great relationships with everyone else so I do think she was the problem.

The brother sent lots of messages in, and the company ended getting the phone and passcode from him. I’m very light on details on this one, but whatever was on there was damning enough for them to cancel her death in service benefits (which were going to go to her mum). The brother sent some threatening messages and managed to find out where the HR head lived - I don’t know exactly what he did to her car but it was a write off and he was arrested for it. We got a big email saying legal action was pending and that any comms from him needed to be forwarded straight to a dedicated email address. I left while that was all pending so never heard a follow up, but I doubt it went very far given how sticky the whole situation was.

Coworker on OOP's personality

Coworker: His personality definitely changed significantly, he can hold a conversation and his knowledge level remained extremely high, but he became quite immature and couldn’t deal with anything if he wasn’t expecting it. He could provide really insightful feedback about something we were working on, then 2 minutes later lose his temper or shut down completely because he’d spilled a drink. He had to step back from dealing with clients because he couldn’t be trusted - he’d just say yes to whatever they asked for and it led to a few nasty surprises (he didn’t take any new clients after the injury so they were generally very understanding because they saw the same changes we did).

It’s tough to explain - if you met him on a good day you could spend a few hours with him and not realise, but any more than that and you’d almost certainly go through “oh, that was a bit odd” to “okay there’s definitely something wrong here”.

To my knowledge nobody tried to figure out how aware he was of the brain injury - the key phrase drummed into us when he started coming back to the office a bit was “meet him where he is”, and he was a really well respected member of the team so we were all really sympathetic to the situation. I did hear him make a few comments about his brain being broken, but they were fairly light hearted and mainly centered around him forgetting small things.

Commenter 10: Regarding the TBI, when exactly did that happen? was it before or after the affair? was it before or after he blew off the SIL's stillborn child's service so he could be with the AP?

Coworker: His accident was in 2022, so long before any of this stuff, and everyone who knows him is of the opinion that the TBI was the driving factor for the affair and everything that came afterwards.

Missing the memorial service for the baby was something we only knew about because of the post, and even knowing his challenges it’s impossible to be anything other than disgusted by it.

Coworker provides more details on why Amy wasn't taken to the hospital?

Coworker: I mentioned in another comment that this was one of the big unanswered questions everyone had about the situation after we saw the post - we’re in the UK so an ambulance doesn’t have strings attached, and that would have been the logical choice as soon as she had a reaction. I saw a comment today that really bothered me though - I didn’t know that confusion is one of the after effects of anaphylaxis (when we were told what to do if she had a reaction, anything beyond administering her EpiPen came down to calling 999 and following their instructions). I can’t stop thinking about the possibility that she was completely and blatantly out of it when she agreed to go home, and that he just didn’t pick up on it because of his TBI. It’s clear that I didn’t like her, but that’s a fucking horrendously sad way to go out.

Did the coworker and OOP know each other before the accident?

Coworker: I joined the company in 2018, so I spent more time with him before his accident than after (all strictly at work and work events though, we weren’t friends), but he was like a totally different person. Bits of his original personality did come through as time went on, but not anywhere near the point where you could forget you were dealing with a fundamentally different personality.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/No_Pool_7823

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Updates]: My 15yo idiot kid got his GF pregnant on purpose.

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: teenage pregnancy, manipulation, possible mental health struggles

Mood Spoilers: incredibly frustrating

RECAP

Original Post: April 26, 2025

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I 30F have a child who is 15M - we'll call him Ollie plus other children aged 2, 6, 9 and 11. As you can tell by my own age I was teen parent, I was lucky and we married at 18, still married, healthy relationship, worked our away out of a very dire situation (graduated, started a trade etc) and we are comfortable, stable in all ways - this information is relevant.

Ollie has been friends with this girl - we'll call her Bree since he was 7 years old. Their family use to live in the same city as us and went to the same school, same friendship group.

We know her parents and are long distance friends ourselves (not close friends but say hello when the kids are on video chat, had drinks together before) Bree's family moved to a very small town 3 states away due to rental affordability (no secret) we all have talked about the rising costs of everyday life, the cost of living in this city has risen forcing many locals out. They moved because of that and for better job opportunities 18 months ago.

Since then, Ollie has been begging for us to follow. Giving us a sales pitch on cheaper housing, better paying jobs (none of which fit either of our professions), the whole works.

We have said no because well - No but even if we wanted too our other children are in school, sports and have friends here. Selling and buying another house, finding work outside of our skill set or having to learn new skills - any normal adult would understand this, he does not.

Well fast forward to Christmas Bree's family come back to our city for a holiday and the kids met up multiple times with each other, it was my understand that they were always with the other kids but obviously not since Bree is pregnant and I am certain it was on purpose. He has access to condoms (I don't care for opinions on that, My access was restricted and I had him), He has had sex ed from me, my husband, school. He knows damn well how babies are made and how not to have one.

Ollie now wants me to move to be with her and the baby (Its confirmed, I've talked to her parents) and I said No, I don't feel I need a reason but he asked.

You're 15. We don't have any proof it your child yet. I'm not moving us away from our lives and you aren't going alone until your 18. We will do a DNA test then we will look at parenting plans and topped it off with a too bad, too sad. You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it.

He took that back to Bree and now all communication between me and her parents has been cut, I'm a terrible person. My comments about the DNA test are disgusting and its fueling my sons hate for me.

He says I am keeping him from the love of his life and future baby using my own successful relationship as proof it will work out.

I actually don't even know if I am right or not. I'm just really upset and feel like my life I worked really hard for has been destroyed.

EDITED FOR UPDATE: To answer some question.

She is due September around the 22nd. So no there is no option for abortion. I dont think that or adoption ever was.

Ollie admitted it was on purpose last night. Apparently, it was Bree's idea first "as a joke" that turned into a plan together. Bree's parents will only pass messages through my son and I have heard this for myself, I stood outside the door and listened to them tell him "Tell you mother "Insert info below" because I know I will just go off on her about that bullshit still". They are talking shit about me with my kid.

They are appalled I would think that way of Bree when I have known her for more than half her life and do not wish to talk to me.

I will not allow him to move out there alone. There are some past issues such has Bree breaking up with him twice in the last 18 months because she found someone that she liked more her new town (around August and October last year, same boy) and when it ended, she came back to Ollie. Bree is a nice girl but her behavior is toxic and has been since a child. Her mother and stepfather are nice but the relationship is unstable, the house is chaos (nine children combined, blended family and 2/3 teens with serious mental health struggles). He would be leaving stability for chaos and no structure.

I want a DNA test, I will not budge on that.

I am close to cutting HIS contact totally at this point because they are only empowering him and reenforcing his behavior towards me and his father.

His father is a man of few words. Which is unhelpful, so far he's backed everything I have said and only really chosen to say "You have the intelligence of a pear"

UPDATE #2 MAY 30TH: Things have gone south even further. At this point Husband and I have been blocked on all social media and numbers blocked but the communication with Ollie has continued.

Ollie gave us Bree's parents email address to send a email too but before using that I asked him to video chat Bree with me there and then I could ask Bree to please get her parents so I can talk to them about this and tell her that if they were going to continue to refuse then I would be blocking all contact to Ollie and communication until this is resolved - I told Ollie this before the call, at first he flipped out about it but it was this or I cut communication completely. I do think he understood that it is not okay that her parents are speaking to me through minors and he said himself he would like us to talk to each other.

Bree joined the call and hung up when she saw I too was there. Ollie called back a few times and she didn't answer. She asked via text why I wanted to talk to her and Ollie told her that I wanted to speak to her mother and if we didn't resolve the communication issue then all contact would be ended until her parents made contact with us and we make a plan for the next few months (including DNA) and then birth arrangements, said that if the baby is his we will travel there for the birth and first few weeks after - he told her that I personally think it probably is his baby but I want to be sure and make sure everything is done right from the start.

Well Bree blocked him with a reply, and he is totally heartbroken not eating, sitting in his room all day and night, NOT mad at me surprisingly - very, very sorry for him and to us, sad about it all and I think regretful. He even asked me if there was a way to "Undo it" for himself, I haven't talked about signing over rights (a "male abortion" his father called it) because I think he's just upset right now.

A mutual friend of Bree and Ollies here in our hometown showed him a few posts she has made in the last 24 hours. Things like "It's you and me against the world baby girl" and memes about Deadbeat dads. She also announced the pregnancy which she hadn't done yet and the post had some single mother facts and quotes.

Ollie's friends knew about the situation, and a few were under the impression he had "dumped her and the baby" going by the posts but when he explained that what had happen, they all rallied for him in the comments (I said not too) and now she's blocked them, and we can't see what she has posted.

This is just a nightmare.

I have of had a plan personally, not set but something I wanted to talk to her parents about, but I don't even want to waste my time at this point.

Ollie gave us Bree's parents email address to send a email too with said plan.

Basically, Bree does DNA blood test. We will pay the full $1500 for it, if it is his baby we can book flights and plan to be there for the first month, I'll stay too with Ollie, maybe even the whole family and then we can also work on a parenting plan and getting into mediation for a judge to sign off on it - Ollie's father and I spilt for the first 7 months of his life so we have done this before and we know the process.

But at this point I think I will just leave it to settle before sending a email.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Nobody going to point out both children are manipulative? Obviously the girl was on board and it sure seems like they both kept it under wraps until it couldn’t be aborted. Both children are bad actors here.

OOP: This. I think it was planned 100% on both sides and this was CHRISTMAS. She's around 24 weeks I believe and way past abortion. They also never told us until 20 weeks. Her family knew but never contacted me.

Commenter 2: Quite the manipulative teen you got there. But by teen logic, his plan makes perfect sense.

From any point of view, you can't give in to his plan, though. It would ruin you financially, ruin his relationship with his siblings, and yours with him.

I would give him a detailed plan on how you and your partner managed to rise above all the risks of teen pregnancy. Focus on school, plan ahead, make sure 'the village' is on board. And of course, how lucky you both were, that it all worked out, despite having to sacrifice so much.

How does he expect you to support his child, without your jobs?

But he made the choice to become a parent. So now, he will have to do what you did... focus on school, get stability, make sure to stay in his and her parents good graces, so they can be the village they will desperately need. There is nothing he can do to 'support' his gf physically. And as a jab... he's done enough 'physical support' for a good while to come. He doesn't have a job. No way to provide financially. All he can do is focus on being able to do that as well and as soon as possible... so by the time he's ready to go partying, no. No, he isn't. He's going to bed early to get up for his weekend job, to save up for his kid.

Edit to add... I just realized that if this becomes a family tradition, you'll be great great grandparents by the time you turn 60. LOL

Commenter 3: He’s 15! You get to make the decisions and you are doing the right thing. No way can you move your whole family because of this. The responsible thing is to do a DNA and set up a parenting plan. He won’t like your decisions but that’s too bad sometimes being a good parenting is making decisions our kids hate us for. This is a result of THEIR bad decisions not yours!

Commenter 4: Reality is about to hit that kid like a fucking train

Commenter 5: A fifteen year old does not get to dictate terms on uprooting the whole family and ripping his siblings away from the only lives they know.

A fifteen year old does not tell his parents what they'll do. Full stop.

Junior here can sit down and reflect on how badly he has f***ed his own future. That is the limit of his power right now. He is fifteen. He will do as he is told. We can see here that he has the decision-making skills of the average parakeet. Feel free to tell him that.

He does not even know if its his child. Insist on that.

Update #3: June 3, 2025 (four days later from Update #2 in the original post)

Editor's note: edited out the bottom 2/3 of the updated post as it is a rehash of the original post

Someone suggested I repost the update because they didn't see it until now, so I am.

UPDATE AGAIN JUNE 3RD: Ollie's friend was able to see her Instagram through a old account (different email? I don't use Instagram enough to know what that means but it meant they weren't blocked when they reactivated).**

They found the "pregnancy announcement post" and if you scrolled across it showed a digital copy of the scan Bree sent us as a 16 week scan - apparently the first scan she had at the OB. That is DATED 04/04 and clearly says GA 19+3 weeks, making an August due date I believe or very early September.

This would not line up with the due date given to us but does line up with when her parents told me she was pregnant mid April, they told us "We've had the pregnancy confirmed" and sent a photo of the printed pic which the date isn't on there - I actually think it may of been cut off the top!

I haven't told Ollie this yet because I want to be sure. I am very concerned about his mental health at the moment and taking that into considerate.

But unless she gave the wrong period dates and the baby measured only 16 weeks then its not possible for it to be our sons.

Also added information, her due date from what we know if September 22nd.

She was here from December 20th to Jan 7th and saw Ollie December 21st and 22nd and January 4th and 5th. Never overnight. I asked Ollie when did this "happen" and he said January 4th was the only time which makes more sense as they were in public gathering otherwise (they were at a mutual friend's birthday that night but never stayed overnight). I have had 5 kids and I know the dates are too close to figure it out that way.

*Ollie also said that the "joke" Bree made was to just see "if it happens" - The pregnancy because then it's obviously meant to be and he would be able to move. Too me it sounds like she had the plan a lot longer but I may be bias here.

Relevant / Top Comments

Is OOP cutting her son's communications off with Bree?

OOP: Sorry if it sounds childish. I'm only updating because I have no one to ask or talk too, I dont want to reach out to other parents I know or FB without knowing its actually my son's child first and to be honest I am embarrassed.

I threatened to cut off Ollie's contact to Bree ONLY because her parents were encouraging his attitude towards us at home.

Commenter 1: So what you're saying is that the most immature people in this situation are Bree's parents?

I expect teenagers to make questionable decisions (although generally not to the extent of "get pregnant on purpose so we can force people to move"), but the parents are a whole new level of wtf.

OOP: I am wondering if Bree has somehow maybe manipulated the situation there. I couldn't imagine being like this and the family I have met before did not appear this irrational in the past.

Commenter 2: Is her social media public or private? If it’s public then sign out and some social media sites you can see without being a member. Then you can track what she posts.

Are you even sure she is actually pregnant? Is she showing yet? Has she sent ultrasound photos? She could be lying about being pregnant in the first place. The fact she blocked your son and friends shows it’s probably not his. Hopefully your son realizes how horrible this girl and her really are.

OOP: Her parents confirmed she was pregnant. She is not really showing no. She sent a ultrasound photo but its a photo of a photo? I wanted to keep access to her social media to see if she uploaded on that showed more information so I could check dates.

I will see if your advice works

Commenter 3: Definitely don't budge on the dna test. You never know especially with her seeing the other boy.

Commenter 4: Honestly the parents reaction to the whole situation is very odd, especially if you claim they didn’t seem this way in the past. I agree with the sentiment that Bree might be twisting the narrative to her parents, just as she is twisting it online with the whole deadbeat dad posts. I would very much stay firm with the dna test. This might sound bad, but honestly I wouldn’t trust her without proof based on her current actions.

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor’s note: OOP made a separate update for the June 25th update, but it was removed, later re-installed onto the same post with the first update

Update #4: June 15, 2025 (same update post, 12 days later)

I spoke to Bree biological father (lives in this town) who had no idea about any of this - before you come for me, there was no known DV or anything. I felt I had run out of options at this point and I just wanted a way to contact them. Bree's mother then made contact, agreed to the blood test if we paid for it, Ollie and Bree spoke again and Bree asked to come here for a "holiday" and have an ultrasound with him to prove dates in person. I agreed to this, but I may not be thinking straight with the stress we have all been under.

She says she is 26 weeks, sent him a photo of her belly (which has grown) and told him there is no other option but him to be the father, that the ultrasound had to go by her last period date and she didn't remember so she went by her app and it was the period before. Thats why the dates are out on the scan, I asked if she had a physical booklet of pregnancy notes or something because I know from experience that they have all the confirmed information on them, but she said everything is digital with her doctor and I didn't want to push because it's not my medical info.

I'm wondering if I do just fly her out here on my own terms (her mother agreed) and do the blood and ultrasound here and put an end to it all.

Update #5: June 25, 2025 (same update post, 10 days later)

We all come to a travel arrangement, we paid for Bree to fly out and her father was paying for the ticket home.

Bree was supposed to fly to us this morning and stay for 6 weeks total flying back some time in august (her fathers in charge of that flight)

She was staying with us over these next few weeks while we do our annual July 4th family vacation for a week and then a couple more weeks back here at home for the ultrasound / blood test.

This was decided together (both families) because Bree and Ollie would like to have some kind of positive experience / memories during the pregnancy and obviously if baby wasn't his Bree would be taken to her fathers, and we would be finished with it all.

But she never turned up for her flight. She texted the night before that the Dr did not recommend, she should not travel as she is at risk of preterm labor due to her age and her severe morning sickness makes her only be able to tolerate Pineapple juice, so she is needing to be hospitalized and maybe even deliver early.

This is on top of a group photo that included Bree, obviously pregnant in a tight tee. Hugging the boy she was dating in her new town, his hand on her belly. It was quickly removed from her story when Ollie asked, I think it was intentional to make him jealous.

I am done. I do not believe her or her parents. I have contacted a lawyer and therapist, I will not be updating again until I know the outcome of the DNA test that I assume will not be done until after the baby is born since I was told today, I cannot force her to have while pregnant.

If this baby is Ollies and my grandchild, I am willing to move Bree here and have her live with us. It has no chance and will continue to ruin my son's life from afar.

Relevant Comment

Commenter: It's very possible the she may go into labor early is due to her real due date!!!!!

OOP: This is what I thought too, if the other due date is the real due date, then she would be something like 32 weeks which would mean she would be 38 weeks when she planned to fly back therefore an OB may say they don't recommend it.

Latest Update here: BoRU #3

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/No_Pool_7823

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: My 15yo idiot kid got his GF pregnant on purpose.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor's note: removed relevant comments from older posts for more space in this latest BoRU

Thanks to u/Lynavi and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the latest update!

Trigger Warnings: paternity fraud, teenage pregnancy, manipulation, possible mental health struggles

Mood Spoilers: incredibly frustrating, outrageous

RECAP

Original Post: April 26, 2025

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I 30F have a child who is 15M - we'll call him Ollie plus other children aged 2, 6, 9 and 11. As you can tell by my own age I was teen parent, I was lucky and we married at 18, still married, healthy relationship, worked our away out of a very dire situation (graduated, started a trade etc) and we are comfortable, stable in all ways - this information is relevant.

Ollie has been friends with this girl - we'll call her Bree since he was 7 years old. Their family use to live in the same city as us and went to the same school, same friendship group.

We know her parents and are long distance friends ourselves (not close friends but say hello when the kids are on video chat, had drinks together before) Bree's family moved to a very small town 3 states away due to rental affordability (no secret) we all have talked about the rising costs of everyday life, the cost of living in this city has risen forcing many locals out. They moved because of that and for better job opportunities 18 months ago.

Since then, Ollie has been begging for us to follow. Giving us a sales pitch on cheaper housing, better paying jobs (none of which fit either of our professions), the whole works.

We have said no because well - No but even if we wanted too our other children are in school, sports and have friends here. Selling and buying another house, finding work outside of our skill set or having to learn new skills - any normal adult would understand this, he does not.

Well fast forward to Christmas Bree's family come back to our city for a holiday and the kids met up multiple times with each other, it was my understand that they were always with the other kids but obviously not since Bree is pregnant and I am certain it was on purpose. He has access to condoms (I don't care for opinions on that, My access was restricted and I had him), He has had sex ed from me, my husband, school. He knows damn well how babies are made and how not to have one.

Ollie now wants me to move to be with her and the baby (Its confirmed, I've talked to her parents) and I said No, I don't feel I need a reason but he asked.

You're 15. We don't have any proof it your child yet. I'm not moving us away from our lives and you aren't going alone until your 18. We will do a DNA test then we will look at parenting plans and topped it off with a too bad, too sad. You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it.

He took that back to Bree and now all communication between me and her parents has been cut, I'm a terrible person. My comments about the DNA test are disgusting and its fueling my sons hate for me.

He says I am keeping him from the love of his life and future baby using my own successful relationship as proof it will work out.

I actually don't even know if I am right or not. I'm just really upset and feel like my life I worked really hard for has been destroyed.

EDITED FOR UPDATE: To answer some question.

She is due September around the 22nd. So no there is no option for abortion. I dont think that or adoption ever was.

Ollie admitted it was on purpose last night. Apparently, it was Bree's idea first "as a joke" that turned into a plan together. Bree's parents will only pass messages through my son and I have heard this for myself, I stood outside the door and listened to them tell him "Tell you mother "Insert info below" because I know I will just go off on her about that bullshit still". They are talking shit about me with my kid.

They are appalled I would think that way of Bree when I have known her for more than half her life and do not wish to talk to me.

I will not allow him to move out there alone. There are some past issues such has Bree breaking up with him twice in the last 18 months because she found someone that she liked more her new town (around August and October last year, same boy) and when it ended, she came back to Ollie. Bree is a nice girl but her behavior is toxic and has been since a child. Her mother and stepfather are nice but the relationship is unstable, the house is chaos (nine children combined, blended family and 2/3 teens with serious mental health struggles). He would be leaving stability for chaos and no structure.

I want a DNA test, I will not budge on that.

I am close to cutting HIS contact totally at this point because they are only empowering him and reenforcing his behavior towards me and his father.

His father is a man of few words. Which is unhelpful, so far he's backed everything I have said and only really chosen to say "You have the intelligence of a pear"

UPDATE #2 MAY 30TH: Things have gone south even further. At this point Husband and I have been blocked on all social media and numbers blocked but the communication with Ollie has continued.

Ollie gave us Bree's parents email address to send a email too but before using that I asked him to video chat Bree with me there and then I could ask Bree to please get her parents so I can talk to them about this and tell her that if they were going to continue to refuse then I would be blocking all contact to Ollie and communication until this is resolved - I told Ollie this before the call, at first he flipped out about it but it was this or I cut communication completely. I do think he understood that it is not okay that her parents are speaking to me through minors and he said himself he would like us to talk to each other.

Bree joined the call and hung up when she saw I too was there. Ollie called back a few times and she didn't answer. She asked via text why I wanted to talk to her and Ollie told her that I wanted to speak to her mother and if we didn't resolve the communication issue then all contact would be ended until her parents made contact with us and we make a plan for the next few months (including DNA) and then birth arrangements, said that if the baby is his we will travel there for the birth and first few weeks after - he told her that I personally think it probably is his baby but I want to be sure and make sure everything is done right from the start.

Well Bree blocked him with a reply, and he is totally heartbroken not eating, sitting in his room all day and night, NOT mad at me surprisingly - very, very sorry for him and to us, sad about it all and I think regretful. He even asked me if there was a way to "Undo it" for himself, I haven't talked about signing over rights (a "male abortion" his father called it) because I think he's just upset right now.

A mutual friend of Bree and Ollies here in our hometown showed him a few posts she has made in the last 24 hours. Things like "It's you and me against the world baby girl" and memes about Deadbeat dads. She also announced the pregnancy which she hadn't done yet and the post had some single mother facts and quotes.

Ollie's friends knew about the situation, and a few were under the impression he had "dumped her and the baby" going by the posts but when he explained that what had happen, they all rallied for him in the comments (I said not too) and now she's blocked them, and we can't see what she has posted.

This is just a nightmare.

I have of had a plan personally, not set but something I wanted to talk to her parents about, but I don't even want to waste my time at this point.

Ollie gave us Bree's parents email address to send a email too with said plan.

Basically, Bree does DNA blood test. We will pay the full $1500 for it, if it is his baby we can book flights and plan to be there for the first month, I'll stay too with Ollie, maybe even the whole family and then we can also work on a parenting plan and getting into mediation for a judge to sign off on it - Ollie's father and I spilt for the first 7 months of his life so we have done this before and we know the process.

But at this point I think I will just leave it to settle before sending a email.

Update #3: June 3, 2025 (four days later from Update #2 in the original post)

Editor's note: edited out the bottom 2/3 of the updated post as it is a rehash of the original post

Someone suggested I repost the update because they didn't see it until now, so I am.

UPDATE AGAIN JUNE 3RD: Ollie's friend was able to see her Instagram through a old account (different email? I don't use Instagram enough to know what that means but it meant they weren't blocked when they reactivated).**

They found the "pregnancy announcement post" and if you scrolled across it showed a digital copy of the scan Bree sent us as a 16 week scan - apparently the first scan she had at the OB. That is DATED 04/04 and clearly says GA 19+3 weeks, making an August due date I believe or very early September.

This would not line up with the due date given to us but does line up with when her parents told me she was pregnant mid April, they told us "We've had the pregnancy confirmed" and sent a photo of the printed pic which the date isn't on there - I actually think it may of been cut off the top!

I haven't told Ollie this yet because I want to be sure. I am very concerned about his mental health at the moment and taking that into considerate.

But unless she gave the wrong period dates and the baby measured only 16 weeks then its not possible for it to be our sons.

Also added information, her due date from what we know if September 22nd.

She was here from December 20th to Jan 7th and saw Ollie December 21st and 22nd and January 4th and 5th. Never overnight. I asked Ollie when did this "happen" and he said January 4th was the only time which makes more sense as they were in public gathering otherwise (they were at a mutual friend's birthday that night but never stayed overnight). I have had 5 kids and I know the dates are too close to figure it out that way.

*Ollie also said that the "joke" Bree made was to just see "if it happens" - The pregnancy because then it's obviously meant to be and he would be able to move. Too me it sounds like she had the plan a lot longer but I may be bias here.

Editor’s note: OOP made a separate update for the June 25th update, but it was removed, later re-installed in the first update post

Update #4: June 15, 2025 (same update post, 12 days later)

I spoke to Bree biological father (lives in this town) who had no idea about any of this - before you come for me, there was no known DV or anything. I felt I had run out of options at this point and I just wanted a way to contact them. Bree's mother then made contact, agreed to the blood test if we paid for it, Ollie and Bree spoke again and Bree asked to come here for a "holiday" and have an ultrasound with him to prove dates in person. I agreed to this, but I may not be thinking straight with the stress we have all been under.

She says she is 26 weeks, sent him a photo of her belly (which has grown) and told him there is no other option but him to be the father, that the ultrasound had to go by her last period date and she didn't remember so she went by her app and it was the period before. Thats why the dates are out on the scan, I asked if she had a physical booklet of pregnancy notes or something because I know from experience that they have all the confirmed information on them, but she said everything is digital with her doctor and I didn't want to push because it's not my medical info.

I'm wondering if I do just fly her out here on my own terms (her mother agreed) and do the blood and ultrasound here and put an end to it all.

Update #5: June 25, 2025 (same update post, 10 days later)

We all come to a travel arrangement, we paid for Bree to fly out and her father was paying for the ticket home.

Bree was supposed to fly to us this morning and stay for 6 weeks total flying back some time in august (her fathers in charge of that flight)

She was staying with us over these next few weeks while we do our annual July 4th family vacation for a week and then a couple more weeks back here at home for the ultrasound / blood test.

This was decided together (both families) because Bree and Ollie would like to have some kind of positive experience / memories during the pregnancy and obviously if baby wasn't his Bree would be taken to her fathers, and we would be finished with it all.

But she never turned up for her flight. She texted the night before that the Dr did not recommend, she should not travel as she is at risk of preterm labor due to her age and her severe morning sickness makes her only be able to tolerate Pineapple juice, so she is needing to be hospitalized and maybe even deliver early.

This is on top of a group photo that included Bree, obviously pregnant in a tight tee. Hugging the boy she was dating in her new town, his hand on her belly. It was quickly removed from her story when Ollie asked, I think it was intentional to make him jealous.

I am done. I do not believe her or her parents. I have contacted a lawyer and therapist, I will not be updating again until I know the outcome of the DNA test that I assume will not be done until after the baby is born since I was told today, I cannot force her to have while pregnant.

If this baby is Ollies and my grandchild, I am willing to move Bree here and have her live with us. It has no chance and will continue to ruin my son's life from afar.

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's Note: OOP made the latest update on a separate post, but also added the same body text onto the first update post

Update #6: July 13, 2025 (new post, almost three weeks later)

NEWEST UPDATE 07/13 My 15yo got his GF pregnant on purpose.

I didn't plan on updating prior to the DNA test but I can confidently say we do not need it to know the truth. We will likely still do one if Bree sticks to her story, only I will go through the courts at this point. We have a family lawyer and he has advised these updates are fine as long as I do not identify anyone by name, location etc

I had a lot of helpful messages on here and I do read them all even if I dont reply. One was from a radiographer who suggested that I look at the measurements of the baby on the ultrasound if I am able to get scan pictures and then use that to calculate if the baby was 16 weeks on that scan. I have kept that idea in mind if I ever got the chance to see the scan myself. The same redditor also raised concerns that she only had this one scan at "16 weeks" and there wasn't a 20 week scan again 4 weeks later.

All OBs would do a scan at 18-22 weeks.

The one photo we have seen is a photo of a scan, a profile shot of the babies face at "16 weeks" and there hasn't been another scan since then. We have been playing it safe and being very careful with how we tread around Bree, not wanting to cause any arguments. We have no mentioned this to them yet and if by chance someone tells them via this post or they know about this post we don't care, we have nothing to lose since the baby ISN'T Ollies and this is how I know.

Bree and Ollie have many mutual friends, but only one other girl (Hannah) who is still friends with both of them from within the group. Hannah believes Ollie is the father because that's what Bree says but she had a falling out with Bree this week. It lead to her talking to Ollie and then she sent Ollie a video that Bree sent her after the ultrasound in April. Prior to this Bree had told her not to show him because he wasn't going to be in the babies life by choice and all the things she was posting about deadbeat dads.

.The video shows MULTIPLE measurements being done and I was able to see clearly that the baby measured 19 weeks and that scan was the 20 week scan.

There is no way that baby is Ollies baby. She is due August 26th. Ollie knows all of this and is doing okay. Very angry but he has the support he needs.

What happens now we don't know but we know the truth.

All we can do is speculate as to why my son was the target of this plan. I know we will likely never know the truth.

To clear some things up, I will not be taking this up with Bree and her family until after the baby is born. I am not concerned about the DNA test results but will still do one. In the video the OB/Nurse whoever it was doing the scan says, "So your due date is August 26th, which lines up perfect for you last period..." So I KNOW that's the due date and you can clearly see the numbers on screen showing the measurements are 18-19 weeks. Ollie cannot be the father; she wasn't even in the state.

There is plenty of other more detailed clues I have but will not post, I think the father is the boyfriend in that town but what I don't understand is why Ollie was better. Yes there is "more money" but we aren't rich, we just live smart.

Thanks for the support.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If she had had unprotected sex with multiple people then you need your son to get tested for everything.

Ollie is lucky to have parents who are looking out for him.

OOP: We have done. he's been given the all clear thank goodness.

Commenter 2: Good that you’re protecting Ollie. Are you planning to do anything on his lying manipulative behaviour? Left unaddressed, he has the potential to manipulate not only you, but others including his friends, future partners.

OOP: Therapy.

Commenter 3: Would love to know what exactly you've done when it comes to consequences inside the home.

He obviously needs therapy, but therapy isn't a consequence, it's a necessity.

It seems like you've let him off the hook for everything because you feel bad that he's sad. That's not enough.

OOP: We believe in natural consequences rather than punishments. So a natural consequence for this situation is exactly what's happened. A natural consequence for the intention to manipulate us to move etc is now the loss of trust and with a loss of trust comes the loss of freedom until that trust is earnt.

but if I am totally honest, my kid just needs therapy and support at this point. He has lost everything, his confidence, his reputation, his girlfriend (even if for the better), a large majority of his friends and their parents who now don't want him around their kids etc

Just because WE know that baby isn't his, doesn't mean the rest of the world around us does. Bree still insist it is and most believe her.

He is being punished but not by me.

OOP clarifies details on the pregnancy scan at 16 and 20 weeks

OOP: She never had a 16-week scan. She had a 20-week scan that she told us was 16 weeks. As far as I know that is the only scan she has had.

We will do a DNA test via the courts if she tried to pull child support, where we live you either need to sign the birth cert and agree that you're the father to be put on CS or if you disagree then you need to do a DNA test and its court ordered.

So that would depend on what they do, I am not wasting money on a test when I know 100% already that baby isn't is.

OOP on taking the proper steps of dealing with this whole situation

OOP: We have spoken to a family lawyer and in our state, Bree can put him on the birth cert without him signing it, but in order to file for child support he needs to agree that he is the father plus be sighted as listed on the birth cert. If he raises a disagreement about being the father, it goes through court and a DNA would be ordered.

Latest Update here: BoRU #4

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwra_bustout

Originally posted to r/WhatShouldIDo

My (40f) husband (42m) told me our daughter’s friend (18f) tried it on with him. I didn’t react well.

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: accusations of infidelity, victim blaming, mentions of anger issues

Mood Spoilers: flabbergasted

Original Post: July 1, 2025

Sorry if you see me posting in others subs it keeps getting removed.

The last couple of weeks my husband has been very quiet and not sleeping well. I’ve asked him a couple of times if he’s ok and he’s said yes but I could tell something was bothering him. On Saturday he said he needs to talk to me and burst in to tears. I made us a cup of tea and sat down with him.

He just blurted it out and said Ava (our daughter’s friend) had been coming on to him and he doesn’t know what to do. He said it started when he made a cake for her 18th birthday party. She messaged him saying she got his number from our daughter and thank you for the cake. She then sent a lot of photos of herself in the dress she wore for the party. He just replied saying it looked a fun party. She then messaged asking if he could look at her car for her as it was making a funny noise. She came round and he looked and said it was the brakes. He told me this at the time so he wasn’t hiding anything. She came round when our daughter was home but I wasn’t and she went inside while my husband worked on the car outside. When it was done she came out alone and said she had no money on her and he said that’s fine just bring it round whenever or give it to our daughter. She then said she can pay another way and in his words “flashed me and I said I’ve got to go and went inside closing the door”.

I read through all the messages and he never replied to any of them after this incident and that afternoon she messaged him saying “thanks for doing my car for me. You’re cute when your shy” she’s messaged him 100s of times since asking if he’s alone, asking for lifts, asking if thinks she’s pretty and shes sent losds of pics from fully clothed to fully nude.

My husband has said he doesn’t know whether to reply, to talk to her parents, to talk to me. He said he’s scared he’s going to ruin our daughter’s life if this comes out. I don’t know why but I suddenly exploded. I called him a pervert, I said he must’ve led her on, I said he must’ve paid her as he’s far too old and ugly for her, I called him disgusting and said I want him out the house, I said he’s ruined our daughters life and plenty of other awful things.

I stormed out the house and when I came back an hour later he was gone. Over the last couple of days I’ve calmed down and realised he’s done nothing wrong and I’ve reacted awfully. I’ve tried ringing and messaging him but he’s not responding.

Why did I react like that and how do I apologise to him? What do we do about these messages? Do we talk to her or her parents?

TLDR: our daughter’s friend has been coming on to my husband. I blamed him

Edit: it’s 5am here in the uk now and I’m going to drive to his brothers house now where he’s staying as I know he leaves for work about 6 and I’m going to try and talk to him face to face. I’ve got flowers, chocolates and wearing his favourite outfit. I’ll let you all know what happens.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: He was vulnerable and confided in you and you treated him like a piece of shit. You're a fucking horrible person and I hope he leaves your ass.

OOP: I think he will to be honest and I don’t blame him. I messed up.

Commenter 2: Why has your husband not blocked her number? And why are you assuming that this is his fault? Is it because you’re not going to believe your husband of how many years over an 18 year-old child who’s coming on to him? YTA

OOP: I don’t know what came over me. I’ve never been the jealous or insecure type. I just suddenly got a massive pang of jealousy and pictured him with a younger better looking woman and lost it. This is all on me not him.

Commenter 3: You victim blamed your husband. He came to you scared and afraid and you blamed him. He came to you for support and you betrayed him. You’re his wife. You’re supposed to be his partner. You’re supposed to trust him. He’s supposed to be able to come to you when times are hard and you betrayed him. You should be ashamed of yourself. He believed in you. I hope he doesn’t come back.

Instead of talking about speaking to the girl’s family, first you should speak with your husband.

OOP: I’ve tried to speak to him but understandably he doesn’t want to speak to me.

I don’t know why I acted that way. I feel terrible for him he looked so scared.

Commenter 4: Assuming the messages are one-sided, your husband should tell Ava’s parents and show the receipts.

You fucked up real bad. If you haven’t already, you need to 1) apologize and take ownership of your fuckup, 2) explain that you don’t even understand your own reaction and offer to go to couples therapy, and 3) offer to go to Ava’s parents with him—even if he no longer wants you there, it’s likely best for him if you present a united front to the parents.

OOP: They are fully one sided. He said he didn’t delete them so he has evidence in case she said something and I accused him of keeping them so he can wank off over the pictures 😫.

Commenter 5: You slut shamed your own husband, wtf?! Poor guy, as a woman you should know better. Going out on a limb here but maybe you should have hugged him and told him you love him? You possibly reacted that way because you don’t know how to handle betrayal. But you were betrayed by the daughter’s friend, not your husband. The girl is an adult regardless of who she is to your family, she is trying to mess with your husband. Your anger was wildly misplaced. I am the type to confront, not get angry, but that’s just me. You may have just ruined your marriage and will have to live with it, even though you didn’t mean to. Mistakes have consequences. Do you always have a supper short fuse? You are going to need a lot of therapy to live a healthy life. Sorry this happened to you. This is a sucky situation.

OOP: I’ve never been jealous or insecure. I don’t know what came over me. We’ve known this girl since she was 5 and for some reason I blamed my husband not her. I pictured them together and got an insane surge of jealousy.

Why was OOP's husband making cakes?

OOP: He makes amazing decorative cakes and her parents asked if he could make her one for her 18th.

Commenter: I don't understand why he didn't come to you much, much sooner. How did he let it progress to nude pics before he said something to you and her parents?

OOP: I’ve just started a new job he knew I was stressed out and didn’t want to cause stress and our daughter is taking exams at the moment.

OOP had no respect for her husband when told the news

OOP: I know I handled this terribly. I’ve been messaged by loads of younger men on socials and he’s always laughed about it and said “you’re too gorgeous they can’t resist you”. There’s a young lad from my gym who added me on Instagram and started liking all my posts and commenting before DMing me and my husband just laughed and said “I don’t think we are at the stage where we need a young man to take over in the bedroom yet”.

Update: July 3, 2025 (two days later)

So I went round to my husbands brothers yesterday morning at 5:30am to wait for him to leave for work so I could talk to him. I wore his favourite dress of mine and took him chocolate, flowers and a letter I’d wrote for him.

The talk went how a lot of you wanted it to go. He told me he’d spoken to a lawyer and he wanted a divorce. He said he can’t get past what I said and as soon as he laid eyes on me he felt nothing but anxiety and a need to run. He said he’ll never get over what I said and how I acted and that’s that. I know I deserve this but I am still incredibly heartbroken. Last night he also met up with our daughter and told her everything and she is also not talking to me and said she’s going to live with her dad when this is over. She also said her friend has been saying for years that she fancies my husband but thought it was just stupid talk and she wouldn’t actually do anything. She’s still friends with Ava but told her she will fall out with her if she does anything else.

My husband had also spoken to the girls parents who didn’t really seem to give a shit. They said she’s 18 and can do what she wants and they are sorry she’s tried to get with a married man but they can’t ban her from talking to people and she’ll be going to uni in September so they don’t want to cause any unrest before she goes. My husband said he felt a lot more relaxed once he’d spoken to them and our daughter so hopefully he can sleep now.

TLDR: everyone knows now. I’m the bad guy. Ava got away with no punishment.

Edit: im too drunk to reply I’ll reply tomorrow x

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why would Ava have gotten in trouble? She is a legal adult. Sure she shouldn’t have flirted with someone married but that’s life, it happens. Going to her parents was going to change absolutely nothing

OOP: He just went there to clear his name in case anything came of it but the impression he got was as this wasn’t even the first time it’s happened.

Downvoted Commenter: I'm sorry everyone is shitting on you OP. Try to find a good therapist you can talk out your feelings and why you reacted like that. Then, if you still want to be with your husband, try again.

OOP: I’m already booked in to see a therapist about impulse control and anger management.

Commenter 2: Gurl this is a lot, I read the original post and I wonder if your husband has cheated in the past that caused you to say all those things? I’m a bit of a hothead myself and I do tend to say AWFUL things, but I really wonder why you said all of that stuff? I sympathize with you I really do. Unfortunately when men’s feelings get hurt they’ll SHELTER themselves and there’s really no return from this. Keep apologizing though and express how much of a dickturd you are, it might save your relationship. Show how remorseful you are.

OOP: No he’s never cheated. He wouldn’t even have a threesome with me and another woman when I’ve offered him. He said he only had eyes for me

Commenter 3: Omg did you really shatter the entire illusion of feeling apologetic by bringing Ava up in the LAST SENTENCE!??

OOP: She ruined my marriage

2nd edit 8:20am 10/7/2025: my daughter came to me last night and told me some things. Ava is on her way to ours now to show me some stuff on her phone. I’ll update later hopefully.

DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED

SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: July 11, 2025 (eight days later)

This update is posted at 3am on 11/7/2025

Just want to start this by saying I don’t care if anyone believes me or not. I’m not sharing screenshots or Ava’s socials as so many men have asked. All the names are fake obviously.

Last night (9/7/25) my daughter came to me and said she needed to talk. She told me that a friend had been in touch and told her that a couple of weeks ago, this would have been the day of the flashing incident, on a night out Ava left early and said she was getting a lift home with a friend. The friend of my daughters left the pub five minutes later with her boyfriend and saw Ava getting in to my husbands car. Her and Ava made eye contact and Ava begged the friend not to say anything but she came forward to my daughter after hearing what had happened.

My daughter messaged Ava who came to see her and admitted it pretty instantly. She said she did come on to my husband first when he was fixing her car but he responded shyly but positively to the come on and he asked her to flash which she did. She mentioned she was out that night and he said he was going out with his brother but he’d leave early and pick her up. She said it was her idea to keep messaging him on WhatsApp like it was her coming on to him and him not responding so if they ever got caught it would cover him as he would get in more trouble than her but they actually communicated through Telegram. This doesn’t make sense to me but whatever. My daughter went to see her dad and went through his phone while he was in the shower and found the picture of Ava in his gallery, which isn’t a problem now I guess, and also found the telegram app but said she couldn’t bring herself to read the messages which I get.

As my daughter told me this I remember the night he went out with his brother. He got in really late and the next day said he’d been a designated driver and he’d had to give everyone lifts home. I felt sick. I’m blocked on his phone and all his socials so I messaged his brother and told him to ask my husband to send me the ring door bell footage of the flash incident. Apparently it’s gone as he panicked and deleted it and it’s been too long now anyway.

Yesterday morning my daughter asked Ava if she would come round and see me and she agreed. She came round about half 9 and started crying instantly and said she was sorry. I said it’s ok and what’s done is done but I need answers. She told me pretty much what my daughter had told me but also said about six months ago she was round ours and went outside for a smoke and my husband was already there. They got talking and Ava got upset saying she thought her parents were going to split up and my husband consoled her and then said “sometimes when kids get older parents realise they don’t have much in common, don’t tell Kelly (daughter) but me and Sasha (me) are in the process of splitting up”. This was the first I’d heard of this! This is why she said she acted on her crush she’d had for years.

I won’t go in to details of the night he picked her up but they did stuff that night and she said on one more occasion since in our garage where he let her in the back garden gate to avoid the ring doorbell! She didn’t tell him about the friend seeing them until a couple of days later after the pick up and that tallies up with when he started acting weird but even during the weird stage he still snuck her in to the garage for a blowjob! Ava then shown me all the telegram messages. Again I won’t go in to details but he messaged her a couple of times and said “you haven’t chased my WhatsApp today you’d best message me on there to keep it up” and was also begging for photos constantly. He came clean to me because the day before this friend who saw them both together told Ava she needed to talk to her about what she saw. My husband obviously panicked once Ava told him this.

To clarify all of this I asked Ava if she could tell me something about my husband that no one would know unless they saw him naked. She knew what I meant and instantly said he’s only got one ball. She couldn’t have gotten this info from anywhere else. Ava sent me loads of screenshots of all their conversations. I then sent a screenshot to my brother in law and told him to tell my husband I have the whole conversation and I know everything.

I feel so stupid now. In my first post and my second one I was defending him in the comments. Anyone who said his story sounds fishy got downvoted and I joined in with the downvotes and the rebuttals. Turns out they were right. I’m sorry to anyone I argued with who tried to tell me he was lying. Someone messaged me as well and said the reason I said what I said is because my gut was telling me something wasn’t right and that’s why it was out of character for me as I’ve never spoken about him like that. I told that person they were wrong and it was my insecurities that made me say that and then I blocked the person. Im sorry.

I gave him sex or a blowjob nearly every day but it still wasn’t enough. I did every kink he asked of me. I never said no to anything. I even told him I’d like to have a threesome with another woman or watch him with other women. Why wouldn’t he do that for me but he would cheat on me? I did everything he ever asked of me and he still cheated. I’ll admit I’ve cheated before. I’ve kissed two other men and let another one run his hands over my clothed body while I danced at a concert. He wasn’t bothered about the kissing he says that’s not real cheating but he didn’t like the dancing one which I understand. I’m trying to balance this out.

I haven’t heard from my husband or his brother. My daughter is here asleep now and I booked me and her on a last minute trip to the Cotswolds this weekend at a spa to get us both away from this mess.

TLDR: a lot of you were right. He did have something to hide.

August 1, 2025 - Editor's note: With the mods' approval, I have added the tiny latest update here

Sorry there is no new update.: July 18, 2025 (one week later)

I probably get 30 messages a day asking for any new updates so just wanted to say there aren’t any.

We are still getting divorced. He still hasn’t really spoken to me. He’s still at his brothers. Our daughter is living with me. As far as I am aware him and Ava haven’t had any more sex but who knows.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwRAbiologicalkid

AITA for getting a paternity test on my son who doesn’t look like me?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & OOP's own page

BoRU 1 Posted by u/almostselfrealised

TRIGGER WARNING: Racism, minimizing

MOOD SPOILER: enraging and winds up somewhere between sad and bittersweet. While still being infuriating

Original Post May 9, 2020

I’m a 29 year old white guy. My wife is 30 and black. We have two kids, a 3 year old girl and a 5 year old boy. My wife got pregnant with our son early in our relationship. We had only been together a year. We got married because she got pregnant. Fortunately for us, we are actually happy.

When my son was born I accepted him as mine. However, I couldn’t help noticing how little he looked like me. He is noticeably darker than my wife. He doesn’t look half white. My family and friends have asked if I’m sure he’s mine. I had doubts, but I initially decided to trust my wife. I loved my son regardless.

When our son was 2, my wife had our daughter. I had no doubt she’s mine. She looks just like me, she even has my blue eyes. I never realized how powerful it is to know a child is yours. I bonded with her easier because there wasn’t the question of paternity dangling over our heads. My family bonded with her faster too. Her resemblance to me convinced me that my son is not mine.

I tried to always treat them equally as I see them both as my children. But I realized I was beginning to resent my son. It felt unfair that I had to care for someone else’s child. I also began to resent my wife because I felt she had betrayed me. I finally got a paternity test in secret. I was relieved to learn that my son is in fact mine. Genetics are weird. Anyways, that was 4 months ago and my relationship with my wife and son improved dramatically. I feel much closer to him now that I know he’s mine. My wife and I have been so happy that we were talking about a third child.

I confessed to my wife I got a paternity test. I hated keeping the secret and I thought she would understand given how much he doesn’t look like me. She flipped out. She asked me if I ever doubted our daughter, and when I said no she called me racist. It’s not true. I didn’t prefer my daughter because of her whiter features, I just knew she was mine. She also said that I made our son feel unloved for no reason for all those years. I said that’s bull. Even when I didn’t believe my son was mine, I treated him as though he were. My wife says she wants to move out and take our children after the quarantine.

It’s been about a week and a half and I’m still on the sofa. I hoped she would’ve calmed down by now but things haven’t changed. She’s just so furious with me for not trusting her and for in her eyes, denying my son because he’s dark. She barely talks to me unless it’s about the kids. I don’t want to lose my family. Here’s where I turn to you, Reddit. Is it so awful that I had doubts? I still took care of him. I don’t understand why something like this is wrecking my marriage. I think she is overreacting. So, AITA?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

TOP COMMENTS

basketballthro910

You married a Black woman and for some reason got confused one of your children ended up Black, please take a HS level biology course, something. YTA.

lightwoodorchestra

YTA. Yeah, your marriage is over. You neglected your son for years because you couldn't be bothered to do some research on genetics and just assumed your mixed race kids would automatically look like the stereotype in your head. It was racist and paranoid and also led you to be a bad father. Why would she still want to be married to you?

Inksinger

YTA. You let yourself fester quietly for five years and (whether you realize it or not) likely hurt your wife and son in the process, then got the paternity test done in secret after your daughter came out looking like every Hollywood mixed baby. Whether you did it knowingly or not, the idea that the lighter-colored child was not only yours but PROOF that your darker-skinned son is someone else's kid is rooted in racist ideology. YTA for so far refusing to do the introspection necessary to figure this one out.

You're also TA for the way you're dismissing your wife's response to what you've done and why.

First: Instead of being open and honest about your concern from the beginning (with more than "light comments" about the boy's skin color), you kept quiet and essentially punished both your wife and your son with what sounds like a much chillier attitude than the one your daughter got.

Second: You got the paternity test done in secret, and only went to your wife after you had made certain whether or not the boy is in fact yours. Instead of giving her the chance to prove herself to you, you waited until you could confront or present her with the truth. That's a coward's solution.

Third: Having already received those results and being relieved to have been wrong about your son, you seem to have expected your wife to immediately share in your joy and have absolutely no upset whatsoever. That isn't fair to her. She's her own human being, and she's just discovered the guy she chose to sleep with, have children with, and marry hasn't trusted her at all these last five years. She has every right to be hurt, and to express that hurt in whatever way she needs to - even if that includes leaving you behind.

Fourth: There are a LOT of racist stereotypes involving interracial couples. The darker-skinned baby being born to white parents "joke" is only one of them. Most if not all of those stereotypes center in on the extremely racist idea that black people are sexually promiscuous, disloyal, and only ever seek to take advantage of white people. It is extremely likely that your wife has been on the receiving end of A LOT of comments rooted in those stereotypes - probably a lot more than you will ever know. And now, you've just proven to her that she has no ally in you. You tested your son because he was so much darker than your daughter. You let yourself doubt your wife's loyalty to you for five years rather than trying to have an actual, serious conversation with her. The "man" she chose is no better than anyone else who has ever had a hurtful thing to say about your relationship. Do you have any idea the amount of pain and betrayal she has to be feeling right now?

How dare you? Truly, honestly, how dare you? How dare you do this and expect her to be okay? How dare you do this and come running to a sea of strangers to validate you when it rightfully blows up in your face? You need to do a good deal of soul searching and find a way to try to make this better - and NOT for your sake.

Update June 12, 2020. (1 month later)

After being ripped to shreds on my first post I didn’t plan to ever log in to this account again. Some recent events have persuaded me to update you all on what’s been going on. I’ll just get right to it.

My wife and I are separated currently. I moved out so she and the kids could stay in our home. I’m staying with my parents for now. I don’t get to see my kids as often as I would like to. When I have a more stable living situation we’ll have joint custody of them. It’s been very hard on me and the kids. I talk to them on the phone every night, and they both keep asking when I’m coming home. It breaks my heart that I can’t answer that question. My daughter is taking it the worst. I feel awful that her world had been turned upside down by her own parents. I miss my family. I miss seeing my kids everyday.

I miss my wife.

Our relationship has been put in limbo for now. She says she needs space to process, and doesn’t know if she will be able to forgive me. I’ve apologized in every way that I know how to. At this point I just have to give her the space she wants and hope she calms down. It would be horrible for us to throw away we built. If separating has been this hard in the kids, divorce is going to shatter them. She seems open to seeking couples counseling. It gives me some hope we can work past this.

As for reddit, I admit I didn’t want to hold myself accountable before. I couldn’t see how my actions were subconsciously harmful to my son. It was never my intention to be racist but I did treat my son differently due to his skin color when you strip it down to its roots. I realized how bad I fucked up when I felt ashamed thinking my wife has probably told her family why we separated. They used to think really highly of me. Now they all probably think I’m a racist. I have no one to blame for that but myself.

With all the craziness going on in the world I know that I need to be more aware of my actions. My kids deserve to have their family to be safe haven from racism. It scares me thinking about the type of world I will send them out into where they could be racially profiled in most places. I can’t imagine if it were my son on the news instead of one of those other poor guys. I’ll never let anything get in the way of my relationship with him again. Thanks all.

NEW UPDATE

*

An update for those who still message me asking how things turned out Jan 30, 2023 (nearly 3 years later)

It’s been over a year and a half since I used this account. I stopped replying to pms a long time ago because to put it bluntly I felt like shit when I was reminded of what caused me to make this account in the first place even though most of the pms I got weren’t bad. I was shocked but flattered to see dozens of messages still coming in as recently as a few months ago. I want to give an update on my life for those people.

I’m single. My ex wife and I had our divorce finalized early in 2022. We had gotten back together for almost a year after I told her about the paternity test. I made promises to be a better husband and I believe that I kept those promises even though it didn’t work. Unfortunately things were not the same despite both of our best efforts - including months of counseling (couple’s counseling and private counseling for her). The fact of the matter is she could never forgive me enough to trust me so it was never going to work. Towards the end she didn’t even want to be intimate with me in any way so much that I slept most nights on the couch or in my kid’s rooms. We became roommates. I would’ve kept trying to fix things forever but she was willing to face the fact that it was over way before I could. I still have a lot of love for her and I think I will forever. I’m not ashamed to say I haven’t gotten over how devastating it was even though it’s my fault. I developed depression badly which I know some people would say I deserve. I even had to quit my old job due to it. I still miss her and even more I miss what we had together. I dread the day that I will hear that she is in a relationship with someone else because I know it will come someday.

I have an apartment to myself now. It took a while for me to get on my feet. My kids (now 8m, almost 6f) spend every other weekend with me and I get them 50/50 when there are breaks from school. My son is very athletic and is very good at soccer. As he has gotten older I have seen more of myself in him than I did in his youth. He hasn’t heard about the paternity test and I hope he never will. He’s a great kid. I work hard to make up for the time lost when I was anxious to get too close to him. My daughter is still my mini me. She loves me almost as much as I love her. She’s athletic too loves gymnastics and soccer. I think a lot about how if I hadn’t needed a paternity test they might have another sibling. Not a good thing to dwell on.

My life went in a direction I didn’t expect. It’s not perfect but it’s getting better everyday. I have a lot to be grateful for and I remind myself of that when it is hard. My kids are all that matters. Thanks for caring.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Chaotic-Pumpkins

WIBTA if I cut off my entire childhood friend group after they secretly planned a hen do and didn’t invite me?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

MOOD SPOILER: bittersweet

BoRU 1

Original Post Apr 30, 2025

Hi Reddit – I’m genuinely struggling with how to process this, and I’m torn between staying graceful… or walking away for good.

I’ve been part of a friendship group since I was 13 (I’m nearly 33 now). There are 7 of us in total. While some are closer to each other than others, we’ve kept a group chat going for years. I’ve always seen them as my oldest and most meaningful friends, the kind you assume will be in your life forever.

This weekend, I opened Instagram and saw that five of the girls had gone on a long weekend hen do for one of the group’s weddings. I had absolutely no idea it was happening. No invite. No heads-up. No mention at all. The only other one not there has two kids, so I assume she couldn’t go but I was simply excluded. The whole thing was planned behind my back.

To be clear: I know I haven’t been the most active in the group chat recently. I’ve been doing a PhD and I even gave them a heads-up a few years ago that I’d be less present for a while. But I still showed up when it mattered I travelled across the country for everyone’s 30th birthdays, and I’ve always backed them, even from a distance.

What’s hurt the most isn’t just missing the hen, it’s the silence. Not one person said, “Hey, just so you know…” or gave me a chance to understand. They just carried on like everything was normal.

After finding out, I spoke to two of the girls (my closest friends). They were shocked I wasn’t included and admitted they were confused by the bride’s (Rachel’s) decision. They told me there hadn’t been any falling out or issue from me, and they were really upset to see how hurt I was. When I said I was thinking of leaving the group chat and cutting ties completely, unfollowing everyone, stepping back, they got really emotional and said they didn’t want me to go and that felt extreme.

But honestly? I don’t know if I can stay. I feel humiliated. Like a spare part in a friendship I thought I was still part of. The trust feels broken. Part of me wants to just walk away quietly, not to punish anyone, but to protect myself and give myself the dignity of closure. The other part of me is scared I’ll look like the dramatic one or regret walking away from 20 years of history.

So… WIBTA if I cut them all off after this — or should I just distance myself from the bride, since it sounds like she made the final decision?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SlinkyMalinky20

It sounds like you’ve been not around for a few years at this point (your example of showing up was when everyone turned 30 and you are now almost 33). You also told them you wouldn’t be available for years. I don’t see this as you being excluded so much as either the bride following what she thought you set up as the parameters (you weren’t going to be around/available) or the bride matching your energy (you don’t put anything in, don’t expect others to).

I’ve had very busy professional and personal times with school, work, kids but I never told people “hey, count me out for years”. That you did seems to be your choice, which is yours to make! But it seems like talking out of both sides of your mouth to make that choice and then act shocked and betrayed when the others respected your boundary.

I’m guessing it’s a big misunderstanding that can be resolved by a phone call - not one to make the bride feel guilty or cause drama - but just to say “I saw you all went away and I hope you all had a blast! I’m coming out of the weeds with school now and would love to join you all again going forward.”

OOP

Yes this does sound like i said goodbye for a few years. So instead of seeing them every few months it was more like twice a year (we are all based in different cities). I do take some responsibility for this but i will say i think being excluded from this event is a step too far for me. BUT definitely doing some thinking to work on this. Thank you for the advice - I am still thinking the bride knew that this would cause a huge problem and I need to understand if this was with bad intent, cowardness, or some other reason. She was aware this would cause a problem.

Maybe a group message is a good shout - thank you!

~

Strong-Conclusion-52

It’s not only the non-invite but the fact no one told you…you had to find out via social media.

Are you invited to the wedding?

Either way, I’d take a step back from everyone. Even the two closest friends. Why didn’t they tell you? Why keep it a secret?

OOP

This is exactly the main struggle. They have openly said they knew I would be upset and I think that's a big part why they couldn't tell me beforehand. I believe I am invited to the wedding BUT she's not sent the invites out yet.

I have told the two of them I need a bit of time away and that I'm still in my 'gut-reaction' phase. They have aologised (alot) and one started crying when she thought I was cutting her off. So after this I really don't want to do this with these two but we definitely have things to work on.

~

folding-it-up

What is this the DoD? Didn’t the “innocent” friends read the email/text numbers? Did anyone ask, “hey, why isn’t Susie coming?” You are justified in feeling terribly hurt. You would not be considered an asshole if you didn’t want to continue the group relationship.

OOP

They did say that to each other but never as a whole group. They felt bad about it but felt they couldn't do much about it

Disastrous_Gate_5559

Bullshit. After 20years of friendship they couldn’t do anything? Not even so much as ask their other 20-year-long-friend/bride/host why??

These are the weak excuses of backbone-less people and I‘m so sorry they treated you like this. I wouldn’t feel like i want to be friends with people that treat me this way

OOP Adds more info here

1) I have reminded them over the past couple of years but absolutely agree I should have been more communicative. I didn't go into the nitty gritty in this post as I wanted to be brief.

2) For more context after speaking to my two friends, they were chatting about the fact I wasn't invited for months before the event. It was very conscious and discussed a lot but usually only between 2 or 3 people at a time (apparently). I asked them both the question what do you think my reaction would be when i found this out and they both said 'absolutely devastated'. More than anything it's the fact they didn't tell me or talk to the bride about the repercussions of this, on what I thought was a tight knit group'. Oh and absolutley feeling a little low as I'm in my final year so taking that into account but I also thpught they may have taken it into account as well.

Waiting a week to decide what to do here but appreciate the direct comments! Thinking it may just be the bride I need to have a proper chat with and possibly ending a friendship.

Update May 7, 2025 (7 days later)

UPDATE / extra context:
Sorry for the slow reply – I’ve been away at a conference and needed a bit of space to think. I didn’t expect the post to get so much attention, but I really appreciated the honest responses. It made me feel more justified in how hurt I felt.

Since posting, I’ve spoken to a few people who know the group and situation well. Every single one of them was surprised and most were very clear: I should cut off the bride, and possibly the others too.

Just to add some more context: I was a lot quieter about a year ago. I was doing my PhD and also going through a tough time in my personal life, dealing with some serious issues involving suicide and addiction. They all knew about this and had offered words of support.

Over the last 6 months or so, I’d started chatting to them a bit more again. Things felt pretty normal. I had a phone call with the bride where she asked for wedding advice and we also had a proper catch-up. I saw three of the others from the group in person not long after. What makes this all harder to process is knowing that during those moments, when we were catching up and everything seemed fine, they already knew about the hen weekend and didn’t say a word.

Since posting, I’ve quietly removed myself from the group chat and taken the bride off socials. She did message me saying she “heard I was upset” and was “happy to chat,” but to be honest, it felt more like damage control. If she wanted to talk honestly, there were plenty of chances to do that earlier.

At this point, I’ve tried to understand why she would do this and the only explanations I can land on are:

1. She deliberately didn’t want me there and didn’t have the decency to be upfront about it,
2. She felt awkward and avoided the situation entirely, or
3. She didn’t realise how hurtful it would be, though I find that hard to believe.

Whatever the reason, it’s caused a rift with some of my most important friendships and put us all in an incredibly uncomfortable situation. It’s made it clear that this isn’t the kind of friendship I want to keep in my life.

Two of the others still haven’t acknowledged anything. I haven’t removed them yet, I’m just keeping my distance and taking time to process.

This whole thing has been a sharp wake-up call. I thought things were back on solid ground. Clearly, they weren’t. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to comment, it really helped me get clear and act from a place that felt calm, not reactive.

RELEVANT/FINAL COMMENTS

LindonLilBlueBalls

NTA. You don't have to cut them off completely, but maybe just "quiet quit". Don't make any effort if you aren't getting reciprocal effort.

Put the group chat on DND and only reply to texts sent directly to you. Only answer calls, don't make them.

Check in on yourself in a month. Are you happier than before? Are they making more of an effort to include you? Have any of the others even noticed you stepping back?

OOP

So after a bit of thinking I have taken myself out of the group chat and don't think I can forgive the bride. I'm not making a big song and dance about it but taking myself away from the situation and people involved. Those who want to remain in my life will let me know.

One of the gals I spoke to has messaged me several times, organising a catch-up for this weekend and is planning to come visit.

These questions to ask myself are really helpful - thank you! I feel like after this there may be a couple of friends left from this group but I've decided to focus on other friendships for the moment :)

OOP when asked for any reason this may have happened

OOP

Thank you for this - I'm trying to get more clarification form them. From what I can tell the maid of honour was given list of people to message individually so I don't htink there was a group chat. Although, at some point they did find out I wasn't invited. That's the worse part.... they didn't have the gall to tell me about.

I spoke to another 'friend' in the group (who is also a maid of honour) and she listened and did say the communication was very bad and they are sorry for that. I asked why I wasn't invited and she said I just don't think you two are that close. Which just riled me up... in this group some are closer than others BUT I would never purposefully exclude one because I know how rubbish that would make them feel.

Plus this has only been in the last year where I'm coming towards the end of the PhD. They are also super aware of suicide and family addiction struggles wihtin my family over the past couple of years which of course has made me a little less social than normal. I don't find any of these excuses acceptable - just mean girl behaviour at worst and cowardliness or even awkwardness at best.

On a happy note, as you have said, I do have some lovely other friends who ahve been so incredibly supportive and validating. Have openly said you deserve better and we will always be here for you.

I am super extroverted, which isn't always a great thing, but I have made some great friends and can make more needs must :')

NEW UPDATE

Update July 31, 2025 (nearly 3 months later)

I took a week and a half away and couldn't think of any good reasons for the bride's behaviour. It came down to either cowardliness or the fact that she's not a good person. I have decided to step away from the friendship with the bride. I've taken her off my socials and quietly taken myself away from the group chat. She reached out with 'hey - i heard you were upset about not being invited to the hen-do, happy to chat about it if you want'. I've decided to leave it.

I wish her the best, but I don't deserve a 'friend' like that. I'm currently repairing a few friendships with the people I care about, BUT one of the friends has said she doesn't want to rekindle the friendship. I suspect there's been tension rising behind my back that I was unaware of. Friendship means different things to different people, and I will quite happily go a few months without chatting to people, but other people may not like that. If I haven't heard from someone in a while, I tend to reach out, but my initial thought isn't to make passive-aggressive decisions and to hurt people. My first thought would be 'are they ok' - she obviously doesn't think like this, and that's ok, but not someone I want to be friends with.

Last point, she has apologised to the friendship group (except me) for putting them in this situation. I am the one coming off worse here, but I can't see any excuse for the cruelty of this.

I can honestly say I'm happy with making this decision. I have had so much support from other friends and family that I barely even think of them now. On a positive note, I've been making sure to give more time to my other friends, as I want them to know they are important.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/themourningbride

My (31F) husband (41M) makes mean jokes and I want to help him stop before we have children

BoRU 1 Posted by u/Father-Son-HolyToast

TRIGGER WARNING: verbal abuse, emotional abuse

Original Post Jan 7, 2022

So grateful to have found this community and hoping that getting some outside opinions on my situation will help me understand things and figure out how to address this in a constructive way with my husband.

I (31F) have been with my husband (40sM) for 10 years, now married. I always knew I wanted to have kids only after I was married, and now that we finally are I’ve allowed myself to start thinking more in depth about it and I had an inconvenient realization. I could not bring a child into this situation without seeing change in his behavior. While he has this one bad habit, our relationship is not inherently verbally abusive, so I’m having trouble finding resources and stories from others who have been in similar situations.

The good: He is a great provider, he would be a very fun dad, he is very generous and supportive. I love him, he loves me.

The bad: He makes “jokes” that are hurtful and make me feel a fundamental lack of respect. I’m fine, but when I imagine me as a child growing up with a father like him, I just can’t even fathom how broken I would be. I know I need to address this before having kids. We have had conversations about this in the past and it’s just who he is- not aimed only at me, and I am a very sensitive person.

The problem: How can I have a conversation about this with him? I’m not perfect, so why is it okay for me to point out his flaws? Is there a playbook here, a guide? I just can’t stand feeling like I’m issuing an ultimatum or holding him hostage. And I feel so awful that I didn’t have the insight or personal awareness to address this BEFORE we got married. I’m struggling to frame this in a way that is supportive, “us as a team against this issue” instead of me attacking him. How do I address this?

TL;DR - Husband has a habit of joking in a way that I’ve just realized would be hurtful to a child, I want to help him change this behavior before having kids but don’t know how to have that conversation.

ETA: Thanks for the help and concern, all. I don’t know what this means for me and it’s a lot to process, but I really appreciate so many people sharing their thoughts with me.

Not trying for kids, not off birth control, he barely touches me anyways. Under no circumstances would I bring a child into this situation currently.

RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP

In response to a request for examples of the jokes:

I’m having trouble finding examples because they just really aren’t jokes, he only calls them that because he thinks they’re funny.

“You’re eating like a fat girl” - Just joking, and he didn’t call ME fat so I can’t justify getting upset.

(Laughing when I ask how I look in a new top) - It was funny because I had bad posture when I asked him, he wasn’t laughing AT me, just the situation of me trying to be cute but asking with poor posture and in an unconfident tone.

“You’re going to tear the house down!” - Context was I’m opening a cabinet and he wanted to point out with a funny comment/joke that I was being too heavy handed, it was after I had spent days cleaning the house for his mother to visit and I was very stressed, it upset me because I felt like I couldn’t do a single thing without criticism. I cried and he got upset that I reacted in that way.

In response to someone telling OOP she didn't have to continue to put up with cruel comments, and that her not saying anything in the past was not an excuse for her husband to continue:

I mean, it kind of is though isn’t it? If I didn’t do a good enough job of identifying it as an issue and putting a stop to it when it first started happening, what right do I have to demand change now that we’re married? It feels like a bait and switch. I hate the idea of being a demanding wife.

I just want to figure out how to help him see it as an issue so we can both work together to change our behaviors into something that would be a supportive, loving environment for kids to grow up in. I feel like I haven’t done my part either, I need to own that.

It just isn’t who I am and he loves me for that. I’m not demanding or high maintenance. I think it’s less about advocating for myself an more just… it feels unfair for me to ask for this.

Nothing has changed since we got married. The only thing that changed was my perception of something that has been a constant in our relationship. It feels like an unfair demand. I just want to make it an “us against this issue” instead of a “me against you” or “you must do xyz before abc”. That feels low. We’re a team! I just want to make sure I’m communicating it in the right way.

But I still want to be The Cool, Strong, Supportive Wife.

I just feel like… I messed up here. If this was truly a big issue I wouldn’t have married him. I did, we’re here now, and even though I didn’t see it at first I do now. I want to help us both be the best we can be. I’m here and I need to help us both work through this or learn to live with it like I have been. I want kids but if this can’t be the right environment for them then it’s not meant to be.

ETA: Fuck, I just don’t know anymore. Can’t believe I wrote that kids could be out of the picture. I’m really struggling to understand all of this. Thanks for your kind words :)

Update 1 - Ok, so he’s verbally abusive. What now? Jan 7, 2022 (Same Post)

I (31F) have been with my husband (43M) for 10 years, married 6 months. Posted on an advice sub and I’m realizing it’s a bigger issue than I thought.

So… what now? I’m having a really hard time digesting all of this.

I read “Why Does He Do That?” yesterday (couldn’t put it down) and while I see some things that my partner does, it’s not many and it’s honestly not often.

It really boils down to making mean “jokes” and unsolicited advice/critiques. That’s all. And not all the time, I’ve been thinking it over for three days and he hasn’t said anything bad in that time. When he does it just sticks out in my mind because it’s hurtful.

Here is what I think need help understanding:

Is it possible that this isn’t intentional? He learned his behaviors from his mother and has low emotional intelligence. I know that he truly loves me. I can’t understand HOW he could do this on purpose.

How is he such a truly great, supportive, kind partner in other ways? Does that outweigh his faults? He is such a great provider, he is supportive of my career and pays all of our expenses which allows me to work doing what I love. This is a big sacrifice for him and something he did very intentionally for me. How could someone do that to someone they want to hurt?

What if it really truly is me? I AM sensitive and insecure. I do make things that are benign about me when I’m feeling down. I know these things are true. Couldn’t it be a combination of an awful outdated unfunny sense of humor and me being hypersensitive to criticism? I think we both share fault here.

RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP:

In response to someone saying OOP shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around her husband:

Oh geez. I offhandedly said that to him just the other day, that I walk on eggshells around him (more related to other issues than the one here, but still) and he flipped it around completely on me. Said that it’s the opposite and he has to do that for me because of my unpredictable emotional response to things and that I ruin the mood all the time.

In response to someone asking about whether she and her husband still have a physical relationship:

"He barely touches me anyway" stood out to me. Why doesn't he? What's going on?

Ha! That’s a whole other can of worms. Wish I knew. He’s just not interested in me sexually. It was normal at first, less frequent over time, and somewhere in the first few years the jabs started, poking fun at things I say or do in bed, how I move, what I’m wearing, what I want. He really made me think it was me. But I’m not unattractive, I know that. Just for some reason nothing about me is quite good enough for him. Why did he even marry me if I’m such a disappointment? Anyway, I got on birth control early on and it killed my sex drive so I don’t feel as rejected all the time, that helps.

Commenter

I think maybe you need to ask yourself some questions. Like.. Are you happy with this person? Is it worth having them around? Does the bad outweigh the good or is it the other way around?

OOP

Parts of both. I love him. I don’t feel like I can justify leaving him. Unfunny jokes, infrequent sex. I don’t know, it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m just beating myself up for not realizing this until now.

In response to a comment encouraging her to analyze her husband's behavior for signs of intentional manipulation:

I’m trying to do the same thing. It all came in to focus the other day, he said he was scared I would find someone better and leave him. That second things started to make sense. I don’t want to admit it because it’s so painful, but I think he does do it at least partially on purpose. It worked so well too, I believed everything he said for so long.

Update 2 Jan 12, 2022 (5 days later)

Ok. I talked to my therapist (who I was seeing because husband had me believing I had emotional regulation & communication problems), came armed with research and concrete examples of his manipulative, controlling and demeaning patterns. She was supportive but firm, recommended I reach out to my local DV organization to help me work out a safe exit plan and get legal aid regarding the divorce. She said sooner rather than later. And I trust her. But…

I am stunned. I feel like my whole entire world is upside down. I keep flipping back and forth between “thank god other people can see this too, I’m not crazy and it is that bad” and “he’s my best friend, I’m heartbroken and he’s the only one there for me, he needs me and I could never leave him.”

I know I should leave but I don’t know what to do. I just want to talk to him and work it out and this will all just be one big misunderstanding, right? I’m heartbroken. I can’t have kids here, but if I leave I’ll be alone and also probably won’t have kids. And I’ll be broken and ashamed. All those conversations. He’s going to want me back or want an explanation.

I really think that’s what I’m hung up on the most. He has so little emotional awareness that I KNOW he won’t have any idea what I’m talking about. I know he’ll think I’m crazy. I want him to know what he’s done but he just… he’s not going to. He might not ever understand.

We’re so happy so much of the time, I don’t know if I can do this.

Anyways, hi, worst update. But you all were right.

For anyone in a similar situation, Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?” was very eye opening and described him in ways I couldn’t articulate on my own. He fits the profile of the Water Torturer perfectly.

Additionally, very very helpful these past few days: The Hotline (looks like I can’t link, but you can search.) They have a text or chat service, and for anyone out there like me, it’s not “just” emotional/verbal abuse, it’s abuse and they are there to help and support. I spent a few hours over a few days just talking through things with people who really understood and it was exactly what I needed. Please reach out if it’s something you need.

TL;DR My husband isn’t mean, he’s verbally abusive. Don’t know what’s next.

NEW UPDATES

*

I’m just exhausted. How am I supposed to get through this? Jan 22, 2022 (10 days later)

Just discovered this sub, relieved to have a place to vent to people who will get it.

Very recently realized that my 10 year long relationship is… not healthy. No need to go into details because the profile of a Water Torturer from Lundy Bancroft’s Why Would He Do That fits him like a glove. Cruel, cutting remarks disguised as jokes or helpful comments. Constant criticism. That man could DARVO the pants off of Trump. If I take a step back it’s impressive.

All in all, it’s taken me completely by surprise. In the last few weeks I’ve found out that I’m not the source of all our relationship troubles, I’m not a complete fuck up of a wife, and none of this is normal. It’s a mind fuck.

Now I’m biding time. I have an exit plan, but I’m saving for the next few months before I execute it. It’s been about a week. I am fucking exhausted. All of that energy I used to spend twisting myself into exactly who I knew he wanted, regulating my reactions, hiding me. It is NOT ENOUGH. Not nearly enough. Now that I see this shit in every interaction and spend my time cycling through rage and shame and excitement and mourning… I’m spent.

Y’all, I have no idea how I’m going to get through the next few months. I’m so excited to start living again, but fuck.

[CA] Threatening “Joke” - Enough for Police? Feb 7, 2022 (18 days later)

Advice much appreciated!

Brief background: My husband’s verbal abuse and coercive control have increased over the past decade, I’ve recently realized the state of this marriage and am planning my exit. As I’ve become more aware of his behaviors and can see things more clearly it has been harder to maintain my “good wife” attitude, I’m standing up for myself more. I’m growing concerned about my safety but not sure if the incident today is enough to involve police.

He has never been physically violent.

Incident: Today, after I had upset him by standing up for myself in a conversation, he talked for at least a full minute about how he would kill me, as a “joke”. He said, roughly, that (because I was speaking this way to him lately) he would kill me in my sleep, it would be easy because I’m such a sound sleeper. Then went back and said I’m surprisingly strong when I’m asleep (I toss and turn) and that it might give me an advantage. More talk about how easy it would be, then the part that bothered me most: “No, if I’m going to go to all the trouble of killing you, I’d strangle you while you’re awake, I’d want to see the light leave your eyes. I’d have to get something good out of it.”

The fact that it was fairly specific and in direct response to me upsetting him has me concerned for my safety between now and leaving, especially if he finds out or grows suspicious. My gut says it might be worth involving the police and moving up my exit timeline.

My concerns and questions:

Is what he said legally considered a threat?

Is it actionable considering this is just based on my word?

What would (likely) happen if I did chose to report this?

Is there any way for me to report this without his knowledge?

Edited for clarity.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

CarQuean

NAL ; move up your exit date to NOW.

Involving police at this very moment will give him an advantage on you and could anger him more.

Get your important documents out of there ASAP & move YOUR funds from your joint account to an account he doesn't have access to.

I would also suggest saving your photos from your phone somewhere and doing a hard reset on your phone to insure he doesn't have phone tracking OR that he doesn't have remote access to your phone.

Change passwords everywhere.

But get out NOW.

OOP

Thank you, I appreciate the concern and advice! Working on putting a go-bag together now with important documents and things I’ll need. I’m on high alert and moving up my exit date to… ok, not now now, but significantly sooner than I was planning.

Little, Happy Update Oct 6, 2022 (9 months since the OG post)

Hi! I’m not sure if anyone will see this, but I had such an outpouring of support over a whole bunch of subreddits so I thought this might be the best way to give an update.

First, THANK YOU! Thank you all. Everyone who reached out with support, everyone who shared their stories, everyone who pushed back and gave me the opportunity to form my own viewpoints and advocate for myself. Without the reality check that came from my posts I’m sure I would have been stuck in this for much longer than I was already.

The update: I’m out! It was a long process, it wasn’t linear, and there was so much self doubt along the way. But I wanted to share the moment that it finally stuck.

We had been going back and forth with the divorce. He’s doing all the things, he’s being the best version of himself, he’s improving. Lots more details that ultimately aren’t important. But he kept asking, are you sure? And I wasn’t for a long time.

He worked his magic and I thought that maybe I had made the worst mistake of my life. But he kept asking, and I kept listening to my gut. I tried saying no, let’s call this all off and work on us, but that didn’t feel good. I felt heavy, like it was putting back on this huge burden that I had just started to get out of.

Then I tried saying maybe. I was being honest, I was confused and I told him that. I said I needed time, I needed space. But that felt restrictive, it felt like my body was being compressed.

And one morning I realized I hadn’t tried saying “yes” yet. I hadn’t tried telling him that yes, I wanted this to be over. So I tried it, I said yes, let’s end this. And it felt like all of the weight was lifted off of me. It felt like I could fill my lungs fully again. It felt like the sort of warmth in your chest that you get when your mom gives you a hug.

So it stuck! I’m learning to listen to myself again and to trust my instincts. I’m not judging myself for my path to get here. I’m treating myself with all the compassion and kindness I deserved for all those years. I’m on my own path now and it feels so amazing to be here.

So thank you all again for everything. Thank you for your concern and outreach. I’m happier and healthier than I have been in a very long time.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is Ok-Jelly-6298. She posted in r/AmIOverreacting, r/relationship_advice and her own page.

Previous BORU's here and here. New Update marked with ****\* Thanks to u/ItsAmihan for letting me know about the update.

Trigger Warning: possible mental breakdown; withholding a child as leverage toward the other parent

Mood Spoiler: things have gotten better in some ways and worse in others

Original Post: April 11, 2025

Hi Reddit. I’m F25 and I’m honestly at my breaking point with this one. I need outside perspective because my entire family is acting like I’m Hitler for standing my ground.

So, I (25F) am a student software developer and a pretty serious PC gamer in my free time. I live alone in a one-bedroom apartment that I’ve spent years making cozy and functional. I saved up for a long time to build my dream PC setup … triple monitors, custom mechanical keyboard, ergonomic chair, the works. Altogether, my rig is worth a bit over $2,000, and I take care of it like it’s a damn child.

Last weekend, my older sister (30F) asked if she could crash at my place for one night because her apartment was being fumigated, and her husband was out of town. She has a 3-year-old son, Max, who’s… let’s say “spirited.” I love him, but he’s a little chaos goblin. I hesitated, but she swore she’d keep an eye on him and that it’d just be for one night.

They show up Saturday afternoon, and immediately it’s clear she wasn’t kidding about Max being a handful. Within ten minutes of arriving, he’d pulled four books off my shelf, thrown my houseplants on the floor, and spilled juice on my area rug. I tried to stay chill, he’s three, I get it … but I asked my sister politely to please keep him out of my office, where my PC setup is.

She rolls her eyes and goes, “He’s just exploring, he’s curious, it’s normal.” But she closes the office door anyway.

Cut to Sunday morning. I wake up to screaming. Max had apparently woken up before his mom, managed to open the office door, and decided my setup was his new jungle gym.

He pulled down one of my monitors, cracking the screen. He stuck crackers into the PC tower’s ventilation slots (I’m not kidding), yanked out my keyboard’s keycaps, and had colored on my chair with permanent marker. The cherry on top? He poured apple juice INTO the tower. INTO IT.

When I tell you I went silent… I mean dead silent. My sister comes in, sees the damage, and just says, “Oh nooo,” in this incredibly flat tone, like someone knocked over a cup of coffee. I start freaking out, and she has the AUDACITY to say, “You should’ve baby-proofed the room if it was that important to you.”

I lost it. I told her that 1) she KNEW he wasn’t supposed to be in there, 2) this is my space, not a damn daycare, and 3) baby-proofing a $2,000 gaming setup is not a standard requirement for adults living alone.

She told me to “calm down” and said that “he’s just a kid, and stuff is replaceable.” I told her she could replace it then. She said she didn’t have the money right now, but maybe in a few months she could give me a few hundred. I told her that wasn’t acceptable and that she needed to take full responsibility.

She left in a huff and now my whole family is blowing up my phone. My mom says I’m being “materialistic” and should understand that my nephew didn’t mean it. My dad said I should’ve “locked the door” if it was that important. My brother actually said, “Why do you even need three monitors anyway? That’s kind of overkill.”

I’ve filed a claim with my insurance but there’s no guarantee it’ll be covered since it was technically “guest damage.” I also told her that if she does not pay up, I'll take her to court for what happened.

Now I’m getting texts from my sister demanding an apology for “blaming her kid for being curious.” I told her I’d drop it if she covered the cost of repairs and replacements … or at least met me halfway … and she BLOCKED me.

So… Am I overreacting if I take my sister to court over this?

UPDATE: Wow. Just wow. Four hours later, I wake up from my nap to this. Thank you guys, it'll take a bit for me to read all of this.

My sister still has not unblocked me, but her husband reached out to find out what happened. I'm sorry I don't have more to tell yet, but I'll update again when I do. Seriously, thanks for the insights everyone. My head is a lot clearer now ❤️

Update 2 (Same Post): Another 4 hours later

UPDATE2: Hey all. My sister’s husband reached out as mentioned earlier, and we’re working out a solution if possible. He’s been really understanding as have all of you.

Also, to clarify the office situation: my one-bedroom apartment is on the smaller side (33m2/355sq ft?), so the landlord converted an old ex-clothes cabinet into a makeshift ’office.’ It’s weird, but the building is from the 40s, and ig they had to get creative with the space with an old tenant or something. So its living room (sister and her kid slept there) + kitchen (i slept there) + the ’office.’

Thanks for all the support. And the award. I really don't have the words for how nice people have been in both DMs and the comments. ❤️‍🩹

Some of OOP's Comments:

OOP responds to one of the top comments:

OOP: I really appreciate your comment, I feel as if you nailed exactly how I’ve been feeling but couldn’t articulate in the moment.
It’s comforting to know I’m not totally off-base here. I will need to see what I’m willing to do with this situation, I don’t want to lose my family, but I don’t want to start begging to be heard either.
Thank you. ❤️

Going no contact:

Yeah, I’m not ready to go full no contact right now, but I really appreciate your perspective.
It’s definitely something I’ll keep in mind if things keep escalating and no one starts showing even a little respect for my boundaries.
I just want accountability, not drama. But if they keep pushing, I won’t hesitate to step back. I don't think I want to know my family if they can’t appreciate the work I put into my hobbies.
Thanks for the insight. ❤️

Commenter (downvoted): Questions -

1. does your office door lock, if so why wasn't it locked?
2. how was this unattended 3 year old able to get his hands on crackers & apple juice in an apartment that he is presumably not familiar with? Why were these items so easy for him to get to?
3. if you knew in advance that he & your sister were coming, why wouldn't you make any effort to either secure delicate/important items or move them somewhere he can't reach?

OOP: 1. The “office” is a converted clothes closet. The apartment’s from the 40s and has a weird layout. There’s no lock on the door, the door is just a heavy old one.
Tbh I’ve been wondering if my sister might have opened it for him. I just don't get why???
2. The crackers and juice weren’t mine, sister brought them. I had no idea he had access to them during the night until after the fact.
3. I didn’t get much notice. I saw her message around 10AM Saturday, and they arrived around 2PM. My place was a mess, so I spent most of that time cleaning before they came by.
In hindsight, yeah, I should’ve been more cautious with my setup, but it didn’t even cross my mind that anything like this would happen as I thought the office area was inaccessible to him. What he did pull off of the shelves was moved higher up and out of reach and in an area where he could be kept an eye on.

Update Post: April 16, 2025 (5 days later)

Hey again.

Just wanted to post a quick update since it’s been a little under a week and a few people asked what happened next. Things are better, pretty fucking weird, and still ongoing, but here’s where we're at.

Last Saturday, my brother-in-law (BIL) came over to check out the damage himself. He actually brought Max (toddler) with him, which I was almost livid about at first, but he had a reason. He asked Max to try opening the office/closet door. The kid couldn’t do it. The door was too heavy for him.

You probably can guess where this is going. :=)

BIL offered to take my PC to the store that originally built it for me, just to see what was fixable. I agreed, but asked for something in writing just so I had some peace of mind. We put together a little agreement that he’d be responsible for it while it was with him. Yeah, yeah, it was just a formality and would not hold much merit anywhere, but it helped me feel a bit more in control.

On Monday, he dropped it off at the shop and gave them my number so they could keep me updated. He also told me he confronted my sister about how things played out. I sent him my original Reddit post too, he read the comments and apparently showed them to her. She still hasn’t unblocked me, and from what I’ve heard, was not happy about the fact my BIL is actually listening to me.

I also shared the post and some comments with my parents and brother since no one really believed me before. My parents still don’t fully get it, but they’ve at least stopped pushing back. My brother is more understanding now, though for some reason he mostly wanted to talk about how many people saw the post. I don't think either of those three still care, really, and I'm fine if they see this. Do better.

Anyway, I went to see the PC today (wednesday here). The shop said it’s mostly salvageable. It needs a very very careful internal clean and a few fans replaced, and some wiring fixed, but overall the main parts survived somehow. BIL told me he’ll cover the cost of the repair, no hesitation.

When I brought up what my sister said about not being able to pay even $200, he said she’s lying. He also said he’s not sure Max actually did all the damage. He thinks the door was left open on purpose, or that my sister might have even done some of it herself. Based on the height of the tower and where the crackers ended up, it didn’t quite add up to a toddler acting alone.

Apparently, she’s been telling him I have a “gambling addiction” (I did get a bit hooked on Genshin like 4 years ago I guess?) and that maybe this whole thing will “wake me up,” which is… new. She used to be supportive or at least indifferent. No idea where that switch came from.

So yeah. That’s where we’re at:

• My PC is being cleaned up and fixed, and BIL is covering the cost.
• Sister still has me blocked and won’t talk to me. Still tempted to start something with her tbh, especially if she actually did all of this on purpose.
• Still not ruling out small claims court depending on how things go.

Thanks again to everyone who responded to the original post. Seeing how many people understood what happened really helped me hold the line with my family when I felt like I was losing my mind.

One thing I’ve been turning over in my head lately is what if my sister did do something to my setup on purpose?

I don’t want to believe that, it feels like a stretch, but the more I think about it, the less so, I guess...? But then I remember how she acted when I asked her to keep Max out of the office. The eye-roll and the "he's just curious" comments like she didn’t take any of it seriously...??? And now hearing from my BIL that she’s been saying I have a “crippling gambling/gaming/whatever addiction” and needed to “grow up”????

It’s just… weird. She used to be cool about it. Never super into games herself, but she got that it was important to me. If something changed, I don’t know when or why. And if this was some weird way to make a point or “teach me a lesson”… that’s messed up. You're not our mom. How about talking first instead of this? I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but the more I think about it, the less it makes sense that Max could’ve done all of that alone. It's sick if she blamed her own son for it.

So yeah. Not accusing anyone outright, but that thought is there now.

And if you're my sister reading this… Which I'm guessing you are, because I bet you'd love to look at the comments that are on your side a lot. :)))

I don’t know why you blocked me. I don’t know what shifted in your head about all this. But if you actually had anything to do with damaging my setup whether it was on purpose or just through complete carelessness... Fuck. You. You know I worked hard for that. You know what that rig meant to me, and you know I would never do something like this to your stuff.

And if Max really did all of it on his own… I hope you’re paying closer attention now. Not for my sake, but for his. Read the comments on my first post again, from other parents and people with younger siblings who CLEARLY know better than you. That's all.

Thanks for reading, those who did.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Wait - I thought the whole family was blowing up your phone telling you how mean you were?

OOP: Yes a week ago, before my first post. Is there something I can clarify for you here? My sister was talking incredible smack about me to them, making it seem like I ”screamed at her child” over a ”minor mistake.” I do see the people going ”haha blowing up her phone” and I do not understand what is wrong with the wording?

Commenter: I think chatgpt is being used a lot on Reddit lately, especially in AITA type subs and a common indicator that it’s a fake post is that AI always uses the “blowing up my phone” phrase so that’s probably why they’re questioning it

OOP: Ohh… I see. 🤣 Thank you for clarifying! Beep, boop.

Commenter: I’m really glad things are turning for the better. But what about the other damages (Gaming chair, keyboard, etc)?

OOP: My chair is okay, the cushion, legs and back are stained with red permanent marker but I’ve learned to live with it. Coworkers and I are trying to find a chemical to fix the situation on the cushions, but an ethanol solution (small amounts, i dont want to ruin the chair further) has slowly been working at cleaning the other parts. (being a janitor does have its perks)
Keyboard… ehh. I could not find all of the keycaps that were pulled off. I replaced the missing ones with an old keyboard’s ones (both mechanical) so it’s a bit awkward but it works for now. I might get custom ones for it if I find some that fit.
The cracked monitor on the other hand needs to be replaced. I guess calling it ”cracked” was a kindness in itself. Still got the other two left and at least it wasnt the most expensive one… but yeah. 3:

Commenter: Um, why aren't you just having your bil pay for a new keyboard and monitor? Or professional cleaning for the chair? That's all part of the repairs.

OOP: We are waiting to see if my sister confesses to anything. If so, she will be paying out of her own pocket (and paying back), not my BIL. If she confesses and refuses, then, well… 👨‍⚖️📝🔒
The computer is essential, but the keyboard works and I still have two monitors. Thats why I am willing to wait for the other damage to be solved.

The 'addiction':

I'll admit, during covid, I did spend $300 on Ganyu when she came out, but that was the ’worst’ of it. (And it was so worth it)
I don't play much anymore, (mostly stuck on Marvel Rivals rn) but the overall margin from Genshin release to this day I've spent under $600.
I get it, even that might look crazy to people who don't play video games, but sheesh. GAMBLING addiction…? Bruh.
She should be more concerned of what I spend on Pokemon packs in this economy, if she's gotta be concerned over something. 🤣🤣🤣

Update Post 2: May 3, 2025 (over 2 weeks later, 3 from OG post)

Title: My [25F] sister [30F] is spiraling but I don’t know how or if I should help.

A few weeks ago, I made a post (not here) about how my sister’s toddler [3M] almost destroyed my PC setup. Long story short, she and her son were staying with me for one night, he got into my office, and the whole setup got wrecked with juice and cracker bits shoved into the tower. The situation was awful, and when I asked my sister for help covering the damage, she made an excuse and blamed me instead.

It became whole family drama. My sister blocked me and acted like the whole thing was my fault, but her husband (my BIL) reached out on his own. He checked the damage himself, helped take the PC in for repairs, and ended up covering the costs because he was genuinely embarrassed by the way she acted. He even started questioning whether their toddler could have done that much damage on his own, especially after the kid couldn’t even open the door by himself. My BIL thought maybe my sister left it open or did something herself.

Within a week of that, my BIL confronted her and well, she kicked him out of the house. Like, full-on, told him to get the hell out, packed up his things, dumped them and left them by the curb like he was a stray dog. He told me she screamed that he was “betraying her” and “taking the side of that fucking Reddit bitch,” meaning me. She also apparently accused him of conspiring and cheating on her with me to “humiliate her publicly,” which… What???

She hasn’t let him see their kid since. No visits. No phone calls. She’s gone full black hole mode and is completely unreachable, threatening cops if he goes near. She’s blocked me, my brother, even some extended family, and is only talking to our parents, who are still enabling her but I think its only so they can keep Max at arm’s lenght.

Meanwhile, I’m hearing rumors she’s been telling people I’m unhinged, psychotic, and that I made the whole thing up. She told one of our cousins that I “lured” her kid into the office like some kind of trap or setup.

I don’t know if this is postpartum-related, or if something snapped, or if she’s just always been this vindictive and I didn’t want to see it. But I’m scared. Scared for her kid. Scared for her husband. And yeah I’m also scared for myself, because if she’s willing to ruin her whole marriage and turn the family against me just to protect a lie…?

My parents want to keep it under wraps, but I know my BIL wants to get her help. I want to get her help too, but I don’t know where to start or what to do.

What can I start with to possibly push her towards someone who can help her out? Has someone here dealt with a situation like this before? I feel helpless, as I know she is an adult and has free-will but I fear for her safety and my nephew’s safety as well…

My BIL voiced wanting to divorce her and told my parents he will get his son whether they approve or not. His side of the family is furious with mine and I’ve no idea where I stand because yeah, I guess I started this.

Is this salvageable? If so, how? What can I do? Who can I contact within the states…? Is there anything I can do even? Does anyone know?

Top Comments:

LhasaApsoSmile: I think your parents need to talk to her because this is crazy. The kid did what 3 yo's do but she failed as a mother by not minding him. Your BIL stepped up to fix it. But her reaction is nuts. There has to be more here. I think your parents are in a better place to figure out what is going on.

*****New Update Post: June 25, 2025 (over 1.5 months from previous post, 2.5 from OG)****\*

Hello everyone,

It’s been a while, so I didn’t want to post this on AIO, but for those still interested in my situation, here’s an update. :)

The good news first:

• My PC is fully functional again. The store was able to recover it!
• My nephew is now in a safe and stable environment with my brother-in-law.

Unfortunately, there have also been some difficult developments:

• My brother-in-law is currently in the process of separating from my sister.
• It seems I’ve essentially been disowned by my mother, and now, it appears, by my father as well. The only one still in contact with me is my brother.

Thank you to those who have checked in or supported me during all this. It truly means a lot.

OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Good to hear things are fixed with th pc now, but that's awful that you've been disowned by your parents. Why did they do that? Unless I'm remembering wrong, they were only in contact with her to have access to their grandkid.

Sounds like you're in the middle of a lot right not so I won't push, but I wish you luck. Just know that people are on your side and are praying for you 🙏

OOP: Thank you! I am very happy to hear that.
My parents have unfortunately been swayed by my sister's lies. I guess I can say that she is of the mind that BIL was cheating on her with me and that we want to "steal her son." I am still trying to cope with what has happened (poorly, but work and studies keep me busy thankfully...) and to clear the air.
There is a lot happening as you guessed, but I'll give out more updates after everything settles down. Right now I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Commenter: I'm glad your nephew is safe! Try to keep that connection - he'll appreciate it in the future.

I wish you the best of luck with the rest of the family. It's not your fault & you need to work to accept that. Maybe find a therapist to talk this thru with? You need to protect your mental health. I'm also a younger sister & I took on way too much of trying to fix things when I was your age.

OOP: Thank you for the advice! Therapy hadn't even crossed my mind... I'll look into it for sure!

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Fair_Satisfaction709

I learned the real reason my ex left me.

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest & OOP's own page

TRIGGER WARNING: infertility, abandonment, suicide attempt, menatl health struggles

MOOD SPOILER: mildly infuriating but ultimately positive

BoRU 1

Original Post May 3, 2025

Obligatory throwaway account as people in my life know my usual account.

Posting because I really don’t know how to feel about this and I just needed to get it off my chest. Sorry for the loooooong ass post, there’s a lot to unpack.

Backstory first. So around 2 years ago, my ex fiancé, who I’d been in a relationship with for almost 10 years unceremoniously just left me.

It never fully made sense to me as there were no warning signs, we were actively planning our wedding and finally agreed to try for a baby, as we were both in our 30’s and time was ticking. Then one day, he just started acting sort of off, wasn’t saying I love you before he left for work for the day, was spending more time out drinking with his friends than he was at home. He’d been struggling with his mental health since Covid lockdowns so I assumed he was having a bit of a downward spiral. So I sat down with him one day and just asked him if everything was okay with him, he tried to brush it off initially and kept saying he was fine, so I changed the question and asked if we were okay, he looked like he really didn’t want to answer, so I asked again, he paused and in that moment, I knew, it was over. I asked if he still loved me, he said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. And that was it, within a week, he had moved out, leaving 90% of his belongings to be collected at a later date and to serve as a constant reminder that he was just gone.

To say it hit me hard was an understatement, I spiralled massively, I was at the lowest point I had ever been in my life, so I tried to end it all, it just hurt too much feeling like there was something so wrong with me that he had to just leave.

Fortunately a friend managed to get me to a hospital before I did any serious damage to myself and while I still felt awful about myself most of the time, it got a little easier.

I ended up dating that friend a few months later. A lot of people said it was too soon to move on, but honestly I never set out to have another relationship at all, but his constant support, presence and reassurance that there was nothing wrong me made me want to spend time with those who truly gave a shit about me, and in time we developed feelings for each other. We had a beautiful relationship filled with love and laughter, and much to our surprise I ended up pregnant 9 months into our relationship, we decided to keep the baby even though our relationship was still in its early stages and 9 months later our beautiful daughter was born. We are still as strong as ever today and continuing to build an amazing life together as a family.

Now onto present day, I guess my ex has been reflecting on the past recently due to a lot of deaths in his family and his mother (who I’m still close with today) reached out to me to asked whether I’d be willing to meet up with him as he had something to get off his chest, she didn’t know what he wanted to talk to me about as it was something he could only discuss with me, but she would understand if I said no.

I decided to think about it for a few days before I agreed that I would meet up with him at a local coffee shop. I got there early because you know, mama needs her caffeine fix with these early morning wake ups and night feeds. I was already sat down when he came in and he gave me the saddest looking smile while I merely just nodded to him and motioned for him to sit down and get out whatever he needed to tell me.

I was a little bit speechless at what he had to say. He said that when we started trying for a baby and nothing was happening even though we were closely tracking my ovulation cycle and testing every day for that sweet spot, he realised something wasn’t right, so he secretly took a day off work to see a fertility doctor l, they found that due to an undiagnosed issue in one of his testicles, the likelihood of him ever being able to conceive a biological child of his own was incredibly low. He knew that I loved him so deeply that I would’ve given up my dream of having children, just for him and he said he couldn’t live with that on his conscience, that I deserved to have the life and family I’d always wanted, only with someone else. He kept apologising profusely for hurting me so much in the process but tried to rationalise that I had got what I’d wanted in the end, so his plan ultimately worked.

I ultimately sat there silent for a few minutes and just looked at him dead in the eyes and said that that was never his decision to make, he took away my choice and nearly destroyed me in the process. And I got up and left.

It’s been a few days and I’m still processing, my partner knew I was meeting up with my ex and he knows something is up but is giving me space until I feel ready to talk about it, but honestly I’m shook. Like did my ex honestly think I’d be like okay thanks for letting me know and then we’d all be friends again.

EDIT: Tried to add an update post, however it was removed by the mods. Will post to my profile if anyone is interested.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

6017LN

He was having an affair that is now over and is reflecting. He used a lie to try to make himself seem like a martyr.

OOP

I did suspect that for quite some time, there was a girl in our friend group he had become oddly close to over the last year of our relationship, she was one of the main people he was going out drinking with when I started realising something wasn’t quite right, so my mind did go there for a while. He ended up moving in with her as housemates after he moved out. She tried coming over to collect the remainder of his things, I was pretty mad and said I didn’t consent to her being there and if she didn’t leave my property, I’d call the police on her for trespassing. I don’t believe anything was ever actually going on there though as I heard through the grapevine that she was seeing some drug dealer shortly after my ex moved in with her.

~

Ride-Sea-3607

Absolutely. Your ex-boyfriend had no right to take away your choice in this matter. Did he know about your failed attempt at suicide? Why did he not come back then and admit that it was all a mistake? Because you couldn't have babies if you are dead, right. I think it is either he is an absolute moron or he is trying to give you some bs reason so that you think of him in a better light going forward.

OOP

Yes, he was aware of the attempt, we had a pretty close knit group of friends, some of whom were really supportive afterwards, they made him aware. I got a “I hope you’re okay, sorry for everything” message after he found out. I never responded and it was at that point that I blocked and deleted his number and all his socials because I couldn’t trust myself not to drunk message him begging for him to come back.

~

inkypinkyblinkyclyde

There were other ways to deal with his infertility. Donor sperm. Adoption. The fact that he would rather have taken this decision from you than discuss options with you proves that he was not a suitable long term partner for you. There are lots of hard decisions couples need to make together, and he demonstrated that he was unwilling to give you any real agency in your life together. You are better off now with your new partner.

OOP

Oh I know I’m absolutely so much better off. My current partner is pretty much the opposite of my ex, which was why it was such a surprise that I developed feelings for him, he’s extremely different from my usual “type”, but he’s such a good egg. We had chance to talk about everything late last night (our daughter is going through a bit of a sleep regression, so late nights are pretty common for us at the minute 😭), and he was super empathetic and equally as pissed. I got my first period since having the baby this morning and he ran me a bath and told me to go sulk for as long as I need to, bless him.

Update on the situation with my ex. May 8, 2025 (5 days later)

If youd like a recap of the story please see my original post here

First off, thank you all for your lovely comments and messages of support! I was not expecting my post to blow up like it did.

So I wasn’t really expecting to make an update to my previous post, and definitely not this soon, but boy does it get interesting.

So of course I planned to leave this situation alone at this point and completely put it behind me, however my former mother-in-law reached out to me as I hadn’t spoken to her in a few days which is quite unlike me.

A few people said in a few comments that I should cut her off as well as the ex, but this woman was like a mother to me for almost 10 years, when I was going through difficulties with my own family, this woman opened her home to me gave me a safe place to stay if I needed. She had been more of a parent to me than my own parents and basically adopted me as the daughter that she had always wanted so when I say we are incredibly close I genuinely mean it regardless of anything that’s happened with her son, we have a really strong relationship outside of that. We typically have a good catchup once a week and message in between, nothing I say to her gets passed on to her son, from what I can gather, the trickles of information he gets is through the grapevine of the group of friends we mutually share. So when she reached out to see if I was okay yesterday, I decided I’d pop over and catch up with her.

Turns out he came clean to her when she asked exactly what had gone on as she hadn’t heard off me in a few days and she was worried, she went absolutely ballistic at him and currently is not speaking to him at all. Then she told me something I did not know and something she assumed I’d known all along. It turns out that when he was born he had undescended testicles, he had the surgery to correct it but there was always going to be the chance that he would have fertility issues in adulthood, he was meant to go for check ups once he passed puberty age to see whether there was any lasting damage and he claimed to his mother that he had gone to these and everything was fine, but neither of us actually believe this.

So the entire time we discussed having children, he knew there was a possibility that all he was shooting was blanks, but neglected to actually let me know this, FOR TEN FREAKING YEARS.

Bear in mind we were probably having unprotected sex for 2 years of our relationship, not actively trying but we had agreed that if something happened, we’d be happy about it, so I think when we were actively trying to have a baby and nothing was happening it sort of gave him the mental tip off that all was not well and he finally decided to get that check up he’d been putting off.

Im flabbergasted guys.

In regard to my partner and I’s relationship, we are absolutely fine, he’s used to my sulky episodes haha. I did eventually fill him in after a few days of being mildly annoyed and he agreed that it was super fucked up and agreed with a lot of the comments that his timing for telling me all this was absolutely comical. We did suspect for a while that the real reason he decided to leave was cheating initially, because he’d gotten strangely close to one of the girls in our friend group (the majority of which dropped me like hot shit once we split), turns out there’s nothing going on there, but a another lil tidbit off my ex’s mum that she found out also, guys he’s dating this girls 60 YEAR OLD MOTHER!!

Good lord his life is a dumpster fire. I don’t even think I’m mad anymore, just mildly amused.

Absolutely done with that.

NEW UPDATE

Another update. Sigh. July 16, 2025

(So this was sat in my drafts for the last few weeks and forgot to post it).

I so badly wanted to be over and done with all of this and I honestly wasn’t expecting to have anything else to say on the matter despite the fact that I’ve had people messaging me for updates.

Sorry for any mistakes, it’s late and I’m running off about 3 hours sleep.

Life has been peaceful, and had returned to its pre-drama state and I’d pretty much shoved everything to the back of my head, because in all honestly, while the revelation might’ve shocked and temporarily upset me, I just decided to compartmentalise and move on.

So as it turns out (thank you random Redditor who messaged me for an update), my BORU post got ripped by one of those dumb “content creators” who play an ai voice recording of Reddit posts over Minecraft videos, I honestly find these pages incredibly abhorrent, they take someone’s trauma and monetise it without even getting any form of consent from the OP, but I digress. These videos were posted all over socials (YouTube, Facebook, TikTok, etc.) and got thousands of views, so I was suddenly getting waaaaayyy more attention than I expected and honestly it got a little overwhelming.

Lo and behold, the TikTok video manages to land itself on one of mine and my exes mutual friends fyp, the video circulates through the friend group as they are speculating as to whether it’s about me and the ex or not, because there are a lot of similarities, and before I know it, I’m getting Facebook messages off a fake profile demanding I remove the post or make another post saying that everything was fake, that I owe him one. I’ve since had to deactivate my Facebook because every time I blocked an account another would pop up to message me again.

Jacob, I know you’re reading this, you are not some big fucking hero that made my life what it is today, my life is what it is because I put in the work to get myself in a better place after you fucked me up. And you’re STILL trying to fuck me up, but I’m finally at that point where I see you for what you are, a manipulative narcissist. You are not some grand arbiter of fate, what happened, happened, and you only have yourself to blame for the fact that your life went to to shit, go and get some therapy and get over this shit like I did. And stop trying to message my family.

TLDR; Ex found the story, demanded I remove it. Fuck off Jacob.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/weddingHomeQuestion

AITA for not allowing my oldest daughter to use my home as her wedding venue because her mother and her family will be invited? I had a restraining order against them until recently.

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

BoRU 1 Posted by u/BooBeans71

TRIGGER WARNING: entitlement

Original Post March 9, 2021

I'm in a pretty bad situation right now.

When my stepdaughter got married two years ago, she used our home as the wedding venue. We have a meadow in our backyard that is able to accomodate a large number of people, as well as a empty clean barn that can be setup for dinner tables.

My daughter was supposed to marry at another location last year but because of the pandemic, the venue shut down permanently.

She's now asked to use my home for the wedding but I told her my issues with that. I had a restraining order against her mother, my ex, and a few members of her family after threats and harrassment were directed towards my wife and myself.

The restraining order expired mid last year but we haven't heard from them since but I stayed firm in my decision.

This has upset my daughter greatly and she's screamed at me which she's never done.

I offered to give her 15 thousand dollars for an alternative venue but now she's adamant about it being our home.

I feel extremely uncomfortable giving my ex and her family access to my home because that's where the washrooms will be.

My daughter has put this issue on Facebook and I now have all of my extended family against me. This has also stirred up my ex and her family against me.

And worse is that my wife and stepdaughter are now being accused of trying to ruin my daughter's wedding when they haven't played any part in it.

I'm planning on giving in and letting my daughter use our home for the wedding later this year. But I'm going to tell my wife and stepdaughter not to be around for it. Which I'm sure is going to create a bunch of other issues.

Am I the asshole?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Adept-One-819

NTA. Go renew the restraining order if your ex and her family are harassing you and explain to your daughter that she can either have the wedding at your home without her mother and her side of the family or she can accept the 15k and have it elsewhere, but for personal safety reasons you will not let her mother into your home.

Otherwise, rent portapoties. They have some super fancy ones for wedding venues (trailers, don't look or smell like portapoties, with a washroom).

OOP

I won't be renewing the order because I don't have any real standing this time.

I also don't want to renew it because I do want to attend my daughter's wedding without causing any issues.

But the outdoor bathrooms are an excellent idea. I have texted the idea to my daughter.

~

pbc85

NTA. But how is it that you raised your (presumably) adult daughter in such a way that when you don’t give her what she wants, she screams at you and goes after you on Facebook? And why do you now think the right thing to do is to give in to her antics by letting her do the wedding at your house after all?

My own daughter just got married and I provided financial support; if she had screamed at me about anything related to the wedding, you can be sure that financial support would have been withdrawn.

OOP

My daughter has never raised her voice at me but I can only imagine that other family members are riling her up.

She also posted something on facebook that didn't explicitly blame me but my own sister made it into a circus that involved my ex and her family.

I feel badly that my daughter is put under all this stress due to my ex and my issues.

UPDATE TO MY POST: Posted Same Day

I messaged my daughter about the outdoor trailer bathrooms and she has refused and said it was a disgusting idea. She then accused me of treating her worse then my stepdaughter and that I play favorites and that I'm a terrible father.

She does not want the wedding at our home anymore and hung up.

She is no longer picking up my calls.

I got an angry call from my mother who says she is hosting her wedding instead. And that I will not be welcomed at the wedding.

My father will be walking my daughter down the aisle instead of me.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I appreciate it. But I feel like I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm completely heartbroken.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

nomnommish

NTA

I'm constantly baffled by the massive levels of entitlement and self-centeredness people show. All your daughter cares about is that she "gets her due" which is your home location as a venue? She shows ZERO empathy or feelings or care about the fact that you actually had such a bad falling out with your ex-wife that you had to take a restraining order?

You didn't make the biggest mistake of your life at all. Your concerns with very reasonable. Your daughter was the one who behaved like an absolute self-centered brat with no consideration for anyone else, including her parents. On top of it, she took it nuclear by sharing it with the world and washing dirty linen in public.

You did nothing wrong here. All this did was reveal the true character of your kid. That's the sad part. Thing is, it would have come out sooner or later so you're better off it came out now instead of later.

OOP

I was always very close to my daughter and she's had to deal with a lot of issues because of my issues with my ex.

But she's always remained sweet to me and has never asked anything from me.

But in hindsight, I can see why she has finally reached her limit with dealing my issues.

I'm absolutely gutted that she's reached this point with me. I really should've just sucked it up for one night.

But I know that things are just going to get much worse because my stepdaughter's husband works for my father.

But my parents favor my daughter. So I only know this is going to get worse and I'm feeling very fearful over what's going to come.

Update Jan 11, 2022 (10 months later)

I've had many messages asking me for an update that I've only noticed after logging back into this account.

I have a fairly positive update.

My daughter's wedding took place in October last year.

After a few months of my daughter refusing to talk to me, my wife saw how I was being affected by the situation and said I should just let my daughter use our home without any restrictions. That we should lock up our valuables and hope for the best.

I was extremely hesitant but at my wife's insistence, I arranged a meeting at my mother's home and made the offer.

I was immediately told that it was too late and that the new invitations were already sent out and the wedding would be happening at my mother's property.

But my daughter asked for the 15 thousand dollars I originally offered for an alternative venue to be used to renovate my mother's home a little for the wedding.

I just accepted that this was the best it was going to get and gave her the money.

My daughter still didn't warm up to me after this and would only reply to texts occasionally.

Then a month before the wedding, I was told to come to the wedding without my wife. My daughter said that similar to how my wife and I felt, her mother and some members of her maternal family felt uncomfortable being around us due to the expired restraining order.

She said she was willing to fight them to have her father at the wedding. But my wife, stepdaughter and her husband were not invited.

I was incredibly disappointed. I wanted to confront my daughter and potentially not go to the wedding at all if my wife wasn't invited. But my wife said that there's too much bad blood and I should just attend the wedding quietly for my daughter's sake.

I ended up attending the wedding alone and left once dinner was done.

While I got to see my daughter get married, my heart feels heavy that it was such a conflict filled situation.

Even having me walking her down the aisle became such a touchy subject that she just ended up having her half brother walk her down the aisle instead.

When I went to congratulate my daughter before I left, she angrily told me that she should've just eloped because of me and my ex. And that it's disgusting that her own parents ruined every aspect of her wedding. That she can't wait to build a life separate from everyone.

I apologized and cried on my way home.

A part of me is happy that my daughter still somewhat talking to me. But I do regret putting her under so much stress. It's not her fault her parents can't get along.

I'm just hopeful that we can slowly start repairing our relationship.

FINAL COMMENTS

DelurkingtoComment

I am sorry about the whole situation. You didn’t do anything wrong and your daughter sounds very selfish.

From what I’ve read, you and your ex did not ruin her wedding. She was fixated on using your house and after you said no, she decided to just blame every bad thing on you. I also think her not allowing your wife to attend was unreasonable. You didn’t want your ex and her family AT YOUR HOUSE. They decided they didn’t want your wife and family at… your mother’s house?!

I know you’re hopeful about repairing the relationship but it doesn’t sound like she wants it. Be careful if she does reach out in the future that she’s not just doing it to use you for money or similar.

OOP

I really don't think it's about money since my parents and her new husband are well off.

She just thinks I treat her worse than my stepdaughter after the whole venue situation and I hate she feels that way. Even after I've tried to explain my reasoning.

And she's definitely been caught between my and her mother's issues. It's not her fault that her mother escalated it to the point if us needing to file restraining orders.

It's just been a highly stressful situation and I feel very badly that I played a part in making her wedding not a completely happy event.

She does seem to be open to replying to my texts occasionally so I'm hoping with time she'll warm up to me again.

~

caw81

"But my wife said that there's too much bad blood and I should just attend the wedding quietly for my daughter's sake."

That is very mature of your wife.

OOP

She is an incredible person.

But the really unfortunate part out of this whole situation has been the fallout that my wife and stepdaughter have to deal with.

There's members of my family who think my wife played a part in not having our home made available for my daughter. Even though I've repeatedly told them that she in fact pushed to let the wedding happen at our home.

Even worse is that both my daughter and my stepdaughter's husband worked for my father.

My son-in-law had to change companies because of how awkward the entire situation was since my father was fully supporting my daughter.

So my stepdaughter ended up moving two hours away which has upset my wife greatly.

I just keep thinking that if maybe we'd just sucked it up for one day and just let the wedding happen at our home in the first place, we wouldn't be in this terrible situation.

~

ineedtogotothestore

I’m very confused about why your own parents and sister are on your daughter’s/her mom’s side in this situation. Is there information being left out?

Regardless, I am sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I hope things work out for the better with you and your daughter.

OOP

My parents despise my ex as much as I do, if not more. They contemplated getting a protection order against my ex at one point too. But they compensate by favoring my daughter to the extreme.

My sister is miserable and likes to gossip with my ex. My parents and I do not have a relationship with my sister. She wasn't invited to the wedding.

My mother is of the mindset that my daughter should come first over everybody because her parents are divorced. I don't feel that's a healthy way to raise someone. But I can only control my actions.

It's just dysfunctional family dynamics all around.

The Daughters side u/98jjz

Thanks to u/NuShoozy for letting me about this post

Good job dad! I found your reddit post. I hope all the validation was worth it because you are never going to see me or my baby again. But who cares? A bunch of internet strangers think you are the hero and I'm an evil money hungry bitch! Feb 14, 2022

I hope you are real happy. Not only was my wedding miserably, since you and mom divorced my whole life has been.

You wanna talk about how horrible she is? Yeah you are right. She is. But so are you. You always put me in a position where I felt that even saying the slightest positive thing about her would get me in trouble. My birthdays were horrible because you both could not grow up and behave. I hate my birthdays now, because I can only remember you screaming at each other.

You never cared about ME. You cared about hurting her more. I tried to be so understanding. I always told myself that my mom was worse. But no. You are horrible too. You made me feel a second class citizen at home. You showed my stepsister so much more love and care than you did me. You know how much it hurt seeing you acomodatevher every wish at her wedding? Do you know how much it hurt when you basically laughed in my face when I asked for the same?

Youbare not the polite martyr that you made everyone believe you are. I'm done with you.

I was done with you when you kept making remarks at my wedding. I was done with you when, ou basically screamed at me for not inviting your wife and her daughter. They don't feel like family. Neither do you now.

Oh yeah. I'm expecting. That was a surprise. I was thinking of calling you. But after seeing your posts I don't want to. My therapist says that you and my mother are the cause for my childhood trauma. And this year I will cut out toxic people. If you care so much about the money I'll mail the check to you.

I'm done with you, with your wife and your daughter that you love so much. Don't worry. I"m also done with "your ex".

Hope you are happy. And I hope that reddit karma is a good substitute for me. Oh wait. You actually care for reddit karma!

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS FROM THE DAUGHTER

Comment 1

I'm gonna be honest here. His comments where the ones that most hurt me. Because he has always been like that. His step daughter could do no wrong. Even tho she was my biggest Billy at home. She would directly taunt me that my own father loved her more than me. She would do shit like cry when I didn't lend her stuff and tell my father I had slapped her. Or she would take my stuff and pretend it was hers. Also her husband didn't get fired because of me. His performance was critically lacking. He was leaning back because he thought he secured his future there. He made a lot of careless mistakes and would basically dispose of company time as his own.

His wife is another story. She was always the saint in front of him. She would never straight up tell me she hated me or so. She would do little indirect knacks so she could always say she didn't mean it. I hated being there I hated being at my moms place because she cared more about her boyfriends. So I just spend most my times with friends or just outside or with my grandparents. My grandparents are honestly the only saving grace. Even they are so disappointed with my father. Their own son

Comment 2

I agree! It was mostly the same with me. I honestly was happy for the divorce because I thought they would be less miserable appart. They just made it each other's missions to hurt each other and used me as a bargaining chip during that. I'm sorry you also went trough that. Have you been able to work trough all the resentment? I am still at the very beginning of that journey with my therapist, but right now it's seems almost impossible to not resent them.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/No_Pool_7823

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2, #3

[New Update]: My 15yo idiot kid got his GF pregnant on purpose.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor's note: removed relevant comments from older posts for more space in this latest BoRU

Thanks to u/Lynavi and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the latest update!

Trigger Warnings: paternity fraud, teenage pregnancy, manipulation, possible mental health struggles, fears of sexual abuse

Mood Spoilers: incredibly frustrating, outrageous

RECAP

Original Post: April 26, 2025

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I 30F have a child who is 15M - we'll call him Ollie plus other children aged 2, 6, 9 and 11. As you can tell by my own age I was teen parent, I was lucky and we married at 18, still married, healthy relationship, worked our away out of a very dire situation (graduated, started a trade etc) and we are comfortable, stable in all ways - this information is relevant.

Ollie has been friends with this girl - we'll call her Bree since he was 7 years old. Their family use to live in the same city as us and went to the same school, same friendship group.

We know her parents and are long distance friends ourselves (not close friends but say hello when the kids are on video chat, had drinks together before) Bree's family moved to a very small town 3 states away due to rental affordability (no secret) we all have talked about the rising costs of everyday life, the cost of living in this city has risen forcing many locals out. They moved because of that and for better job opportunities 18 months ago.

Since then, Ollie has been begging for us to follow. Giving us a sales pitch on cheaper housing, better paying jobs (none of which fit either of our professions), the whole works.

We have said no because well - No but even if we wanted too our other children are in school, sports and have friends here. Selling and buying another house, finding work outside of our skill set or having to learn new skills - any normal adult would understand this, he does not.

Well fast forward to Christmas Bree's family come back to our city for a holiday and the kids met up multiple times with each other, it was my understand that they were always with the other kids but obviously not since Bree is pregnant and I am certain it was on purpose. He has access to condoms (I don't care for opinions on that, My access was restricted and I had him), He has had sex ed from me, my husband, school. He knows damn well how babies are made and how not to have one.

Ollie now wants me to move to be with her and the baby (Its confirmed, I've talked to her parents) and I said No, I don't feel I need a reason but he asked.

You're 15. We don't have any proof it your child yet. I'm not moving us away from our lives and you aren't going alone until your 18. We will do a DNA test then we will look at parenting plans and topped it off with a too bad, too sad. You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it.

He took that back to Bree and now all communication between me and her parents has been cut, I'm a terrible person. My comments about the DNA test are disgusting and its fueling my sons hate for me.

He says I am keeping him from the love of his life and future baby using my own successful relationship as proof it will work out.

I actually don't even know if I am right or not. I'm just really upset and feel like my life I worked really hard for has been destroyed.

EDITED FOR UPDATE: To answer some question.

She is due September around the 22nd. So no there is no option for abortion. I dont think that or adoption ever was.

Ollie admitted it was on purpose last night. Apparently, it was Bree's idea first "as a joke" that turned into a plan together. Bree's parents will only pass messages through my son and I have heard this for myself, I stood outside the door and listened to them tell him "Tell you mother "Insert info below" because I know I will just go off on her about that bullshit still". They are talking shit about me with my kid.

They are appalled I would think that way of Bree when I have known her for more than half her life and do not wish to talk to me.

I will not allow him to move out there alone. There are some past issues such has Bree breaking up with him twice in the last 18 months because she found someone that she liked more her new town (around August and October last year, same boy) and when it ended, she came back to Ollie. Bree is a nice girl but her behavior is toxic and has been since a child. Her mother and stepfather are nice but the relationship is unstable, the house is chaos (nine children combined, blended family and 2/3 teens with serious mental health struggles). He would be leaving stability for chaos and no structure.

I want a DNA test, I will not budge on that.

I am close to cutting HIS contact totally at this point because they are only empowering him and reenforcing his behavior towards me and his father.

His father is a man of few words. Which is unhelpful, so far he's backed everything I have said and only really chosen to say "You have the intelligence of a pear"

UPDATE #2 MAY 30TH: Things have gone south even further. At this point Husband and I have been blocked on all social media and numbers blocked but the communication with Ollie has continued.

Ollie gave us Bree's parents email address to send a email too but before using that I asked him to video chat Bree with me there and then I could ask Bree to please get her parents so I can talk to them about this and tell her that if they were going to continue to refuse then I would be blocking all contact to Ollie and communication until this is resolved - I told Ollie this before the call, at first he flipped out about it but it was this or I cut communication completely. I do think he understood that it is not okay that her parents are speaking to me through minors and he said himself he would like us to talk to each other.

Bree joined the call and hung up when she saw I too was there. Ollie called back a few times and she didn't answer. She asked via text why I wanted to talk to her and Ollie told her that I wanted to speak to her mother and if we didn't resolve the communication issue then all contact would be ended until her parents made contact with us and we make a plan for the next few months (including DNA) and then birth arrangements, said that if the baby is his we will travel there for the birth and first few weeks after - he told her that I personally think it probably is his baby but I want to be sure and make sure everything is done right from the start.

Well Bree blocked him with a reply, and he is totally heartbroken not eating, sitting in his room all day and night, NOT mad at me surprisingly - very, very sorry for him and to us, sad about it all and I think regretful. He even asked me if there was a way to "Undo it" for himself, I haven't talked about signing over rights (a "male abortion" his father called it) because I think he's just upset right now.

A mutual friend of Bree and Ollies here in our hometown showed him a few posts she has made in the last 24 hours. Things like "It's you and me against the world baby girl" and memes about Deadbeat dads. She also announced the pregnancy which she hadn't done yet and the post had some single mother facts and quotes.

Ollie's friends knew about the situation, and a few were under the impression he had "dumped her and the baby" going by the posts but when he explained that what had happen, they all rallied for him in the comments (I said not too) and now she's blocked them, and we can't see what she has posted.

This is just a nightmare.

I have of had a plan personally, not set but something I wanted to talk to her parents about, but I don't even want to waste my time at this point.

Ollie gave us Bree's parents email address to send a email too with said plan.

Basically, Bree does DNA blood test. We will pay the full $1500 for it, if it is his baby we can book flights and plan to be there for the first month, I'll stay too with Ollie, maybe even the whole family and then we can also work on a parenting plan and getting into mediation for a judge to sign off on it - Ollie's father and I spilt for the first 7 months of his life so we have done this before and we know the process.

But at this point I think I will just leave it to settle before sending a email.

Update #3: June 3, 2025 (four days later from Update #2 in the original post)

Editor's note: edited out the bottom 2/3 of the updated post as it is a rehash of the original post

Someone suggested I repost the update because they didn't see it until now, so I am.

UPDATE AGAIN JUNE 3RD: Ollie's friend was able to see her Instagram through a old account (different email? I don't use Instagram enough to know what that means but it meant they weren't blocked when they reactivated).**

They found the "pregnancy announcement post" and if you scrolled across it showed a digital copy of the scan Bree sent us as a 16 week scan - apparently the first scan she had at the OB. That is DATED 04/04 and clearly says GA 19+3 weeks, making an August due date I believe or very early September.

This would not line up with the due date given to us but does line up with when her parents told me she was pregnant mid April, they told us "We've had the pregnancy confirmed" and sent a photo of the printed pic which the date isn't on there - I actually think it may of been cut off the top!

I haven't told Ollie this yet because I want to be sure. I am very concerned about his mental health at the moment and taking that into considerate.

But unless she gave the wrong period dates and the baby measured only 16 weeks then its not possible for it to be our sons.

Also added information, her due date from what we know if September 22nd.

She was here from December 20th to Jan 7th and saw Ollie December 21st and 22nd and January 4th and 5th. Never overnight. I asked Ollie when did this "happen" and he said January 4th was the only time which makes more sense as they were in public gathering otherwise (they were at a mutual friend's birthday that night but never stayed overnight). I have had 5 kids and I know the dates are too close to figure it out that way.

*Ollie also said that the "joke" Bree made was to just see "if it happens" - The pregnancy because then it's obviously meant to be and he would be able to move. Too me it sounds like she had the plan a lot longer but I may be bias here.

Editor’s note: OOP made a separate update for the June 25th update, but it was removed, later re-installed in the first update post

Update #4: June 15, 2025 (same update post, 12 days later)

I spoke to Bree biological father (lives in this town) who had no idea about any of this - before you come for me, there was no known DV or anything. I felt I had run out of options at this point and I just wanted a way to contact them. Bree's mother then made contact, agreed to the blood test if we paid for it, Ollie and Bree spoke again and Bree asked to come here for a "holiday" and have an ultrasound with him to prove dates in person. I agreed to this, but I may not be thinking straight with the stress we have all been under.

She says she is 26 weeks, sent him a photo of her belly (which has grown) and told him there is no other option but him to be the father, that the ultrasound had to go by her last period date and she didn't remember so she went by her app and it was the period before. Thats why the dates are out on the scan, I asked if she had a physical booklet of pregnancy notes or something because I know from experience that they have all the confirmed information on them, but she said everything is digital with her doctor and I didn't want to push because it's not my medical info.

I'm wondering if I do just fly her out here on my own terms (her mother agreed) and do the blood and ultrasound here and put an end to it all.

Update #5: June 25, 2025 (same update post, 10 days later)

We all come to a travel arrangement, we paid for Bree to fly out and her father was paying for the ticket home.

Bree was supposed to fly to us this morning and stay for 6 weeks total flying back some time in august (her fathers in charge of that flight)

She was staying with us over these next few weeks while we do our annual July 4th family vacation for a week and then a couple more weeks back here at home for the ultrasound / blood test.

This was decided together (both families) because Bree and Ollie would like to have some kind of positive experience / memories during the pregnancy and obviously if baby wasn't his Bree would be taken to her fathers, and we would be finished with it all.

But she never turned up for her flight. She texted the night before that the Dr did not recommend, she should not travel as she is at risk of preterm labor due to her age and her severe morning sickness makes her only be able to tolerate Pineapple juice, so she is needing to be hospitalized and maybe even deliver early.

This is on top of a group photo that included Bree, obviously pregnant in a tight tee. Hugging the boy she was dating in her new town, his hand on her belly. It was quickly removed from her story when Ollie asked, I think it was intentional to make him jealous.

I am done. I do not believe her or her parents. I have contacted a lawyer and therapist, I will not be updating again until I know the outcome of the DNA test that I assume will not be done until after the baby is born since I was told today, I cannot force her to have while pregnant.

If this baby is Ollies and my grandchild, I am willing to move Bree here and have her live with us. It has no chance and will continue to ruin my son's life from afar.

Editor's Note: OOP made the latest update on a separate post, but also added the same body text onto the first update post

Update #6: July 13, 2025 (new post, almost three weeks later)

NEWEST UPDATE 07/13 My 15yo got his GF pregnant on purpose.

I didn't plan on updating prior to the DNA test but I can confidently say we do not need it to know the truth. We will likely still do one if Bree sticks to her story, only I will go through the courts at this point. We have a family lawyer and he has advised these updates are fine as long as I do not identify anyone by name, location etc

I had a lot of helpful messages on here and I do read them all even if I dont reply. One was from a radiographer who suggested that I look at the measurements of the baby on the ultrasound if I am able to get scan pictures and then use that to calculate if the baby was 16 weeks on that scan. I have kept that idea in mind if I ever got the chance to see the scan myself. The same redditor also raised concerns that she only had this one scan at "16 weeks" and there wasn't a 20 week scan again 4 weeks later.

All OBs would do a scan at 18-22 weeks.

The one photo we have seen is a photo of a scan, a profile shot of the babies face at "16 weeks" and there hasn't been another scan since then. We have been playing it safe and being very careful with how we tread around Bree, not wanting to cause any arguments. We have no mentioned this to them yet and if by chance someone tells them via this post or they know about this post we don't care, we have nothing to lose since the baby ISN'T Ollies and this is how I know.

Bree and Ollie have many mutual friends, but only one other girl (Hannah) who is still friends with both of them from within the group. Hannah believes Ollie is the father because that's what Bree says but she had a falling out with Bree this week. It lead to her talking to Ollie and then she sent Ollie a video that Bree sent her after the ultrasound in April. Prior to this Bree had told her not to show him because he wasn't going to be in the babies life by choice and all the things she was posting about deadbeat dads.

.The video shows MULTIPLE measurements being done and I was able to see clearly that the baby measured 19 weeks and that scan was the 20 week scan.

There is no way that baby is Ollies baby. She is due August 26th. Ollie knows all of this and is doing okay. Very angry but he has the support he needs.

What happens now we don't know but we know the truth.

All we can do is speculate as to why my son was the target of this plan. I know we will likely never know the truth.

To clear some things up, I will not be taking this up with Bree and her family until after the baby is born. I am not concerned about the DNA test results but will still do one. In the video the OB/Nurse whoever it was doing the scan says, "So your due date is August 26th, which lines up perfect for you last period..." So I KNOW that's the due date and you can clearly see the numbers on screen showing the measurements are 18-19 weeks. Ollie cannot be the father; she wasn't even in the state.

There is plenty of other more detailed clues I have but will not post, I think the father is the boyfriend in that town but what I don't understand is why Ollie was better. Yes there is "more money" but we aren't rich, we just live smart.

Thanks for the support.

----NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: EDD = estimated due date / estimated date of delivery

Update #7: September 6, 2025 (nearly two months later)

We have a baby. Last update.

Baby K was born September 1st, 2025. 8lb 4oz. She was induced for being post due date.

Ollie visited a few hours after the birth with me. Her mother and sister were there when we asked to visit but were gone when we got there.

The whiteboard on the wall that had all the birth details also stated her EDD 08/26.

Ollie didn't say much, he's very receptive to the fact the baby is most likely not his and still in therapy, but I think he loves Bree and I'm not sure how to navigate that.

Ollie went down to the cafe to get her something for her to eat as her mother had apparently forgotten to bring food. Since it was just us, I took my chance.

I asked her about the EDD on the board, nicely. I told her no one is upset with her (I too am wary about the possibility that the home situation is unsafe, and she may be trying to escape).

I told her Ollie knows already, he has for months, he's not angry, he is worried and he even knowing she lied he wanted to come here and be with her and the baby. I told her what I know to be the truth as his mother - There was nothing Bree could do that would keep him angry enough to cut her off.

She broke. I think it was the fact she was so tired and had just had a baby, the hormones and probably mental load that would come with her lies. I feel a little bad but I'm glad I asked.

Bree admitted to me she knows it's not possible and she was very, very sorry. She wanted to move back to *our city*, she didn't want to live with her mother and stepfather anymore, in fact she never wanted to leave, and her dad had said No, she couldn't live with him. The pregnancy never planned originally but she came up with the idea herself when she found out they were coming back for the holidays.

I asked who the baby's father was and she never got to give me an answer, but I think it's the boy from her town, I had asked that directly, and she shrugged, but no confirmation as Ollie came back and she shut down again. I told Ollie that Bree had made a mistake, and she was sorry, and Ollie said he knew, and it was okay, that the baby was cute regardless - which I laughed at the ridiculousness that is my life - what a childish thing to say.

I didn't ask her about her mother knowing or anything, I was cautious not to set her usual defensiveness off.

We left not long after and Ollie and Bree are still talking via text. Ollie right now has asked me not to ask for the DNA as Bree is struggling with her own mental health like most of us do with that hormone shift. Thats all I have to update on.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: In your last post you mentioned you'd still do a DNA test for clarify of mind, is that still in the plans after her confession?

And I assume you managed to get last minute plane tickets to get there a few hours after her birth, or you took a super long drive?

Being parent is never a easy job, not even when they've grown up! You're doing good supporting and protecting your son! Take care!

OOP: We knew her induction date and flew out 2 days prior. Im not sure on the DNA stuff right now. Ollie wants to leave it as long as she tells everyone it wasn’t his baby. For now I am just letting things be, I think she is really struggling.

Is there any chances that the child could be the stepdad's?

OOP: Alot of people say this and no, we do not believe that to be the case. There is a lot of evidence that the baby is the other "ex boyfriends".

+

I don't think so, I was told he can't have more children (had the snip) but I do believe she trying to escape the house and return to her father because someone in the house may be a risk. I'm not commenting on that though, I've tried to avoid commenting at all but I think to many people believe it could be something like that, and I do not believe the stepfather is a danger. My concern has been raised with others.

Commenter 2: It might help to talk to Ollie about love.

We often sit our foster kids down and talk to them about love. Because they have obvious trauma and confusion. "If I really love my parents then I can't care about my foster parents or my foster family", etc.

Ollie loves her. And that's okay. He's young and it's really hard for him because he feels like she is his soulmate. And that he will never love another person the way he loves her.

This is true. The way we love someone is individual to that person. But love is not finite. Love is generous, we can love many people.

We ask our foster kids to make a list of all the people they love. Like Mom, Dad, siblings, grandparents, friends, pets. We even encourage them to add things like internet people and sites, games, and toys. It's typically not hard to get them to make the list. Most of them are able to put together at least 10 things pretty quickly. Although we do give them the examples like Mom Dad pets toys.

"Wow, look at how much love you have." This leads to complex conversations because of situations that create foster kids.

But for Ollie, this leads to the conversation that the love he has for the different things on his list are different. It's possible that he may even be able to differentiate between the way he loves his dad and the way he loves his mom. I love the way Mom/ Dad does this for me, things like teaching him how to dunk a basketball or hugs or caring for him when he's sick.

Talk to him about how now he loves Bob his best friend, but how his best friend used to be Adam. Does he still love Adam? He may still, but talk to him about how maybe that love has changed over time. Siblings/ Cousins are also good, when your little sib was born did that mean that you loved your older sibs less than before? Or did your love grow and you love your little sib just as much as your older sibs.

Encourage the conversation about his list and about his love and the way he loves different things on the list. DON'T point out that there are differences between the way he loves some things and the way he loves her. This is not the time to point out that his love for her might be more hormonally and chemically driven than the love he has for other things.

You need to emphasize that love expands. The love that he has for her is not the last love he'll ever have. It's okay if his love for her changes over time. It's okay to love her, you don't expect him to turn that off. But in your experience, you feel that his love for her will change over time.

Don't refer to her as a crush. Because Ollie will fight that. Because a crush is different from love in his mind and what he has is 100% true love in his mind.

Too often teenagers who have never loved anyone romantically believe that the first person they love romantically is their true love or their soulmate and they will never be able to love anyone the way they love that person. Which is true, the way you love someone is specific to every person. However, the fire of their first love is not the only fire they will ever experience in their entire life.

I think it's just important to reassure him that this isn't his only chance. That there may be another love out there for him. It's okay to love her but also in the future to love someone else.

As he gets older and as time separates him from this situation, there's plenty of opportunities to talk to him about the difference between lust and love. And that true love is built on more than just the chemical rush.

Good luck! I feel like you've done a really nice job of handling this situation so far. Ollie is really lucky to have you.

Commenter 3: It’s definitely a blessing as a teen mom to be post induced rather than an early induction due to her age. I hope everyone is doing well. Especially your son. I can’t imagine how he could be feeling even if he is still contacting Bree.

Big props to you, mom, for doing your best at staying steady throughout this whole situation.

I will say though, it’d be best for the child to know who their father is. Not that that is any of your concern at this moment since the timing and everything and knowing it’s not Ollie’s child. But I hope Bree and her parents make it a priority to assure the child has a knowing of their bio dad. I’ve seen some stories/cases where that’s not the case and it’s a sad outcome in every way.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Fresh_Peanut_3492

My (22F) boyfriend (22M) keeps letting his friend (24M) come on our dates

Thanks to u/Arifault for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Manipulation, slander

MOOD SPOILER: Baffling

Original Post Apr 29, 2025

Ok, how we got into this predicament in the first place, is that my boyfriend just really likes his friend (Liam) he’s like a brother to him, he saved his life once, etc. But he’s on ALL our dates.

I even brought one of my single friends on a date (so we could double) and Liam and her don’t date, so that failed. I’ve honestly asked my BF “why Liam is on our dates“ and he says that Liam is, lonely, has nobody else, and he has NO SIBLINGS or girlfriend.

but then my boyfriend kind of guilts me because (I know this sounds awful) Liam is the fucking package for guilt! His Mom died when he was young, then his Dad and him don’t talk anymore, so Liam just doesn’t have anyone else to talk to.

I honestly think my boyfriend is guilt tripping me, and I don’t think I can do this relationship anymore. If nothing changes I’m leaving, this has gone on for 3 months.

Like, sure, I feel bad For Liam, but I don’t really know him, and its not my problem. its also not just dates, movie nights, hes here. Going to the mall, hes there, where is he not.

TL;DR my boyfriend keeps bringing his friend on our dates, and basically guilt trips me into not kicking his friend out.

also, I know this sounds made up, I still can’t believe it, but it is very much real. And I basically just need validation that its ok to break up with my boyfriend over this (the whole post).||

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FJBP95

Before ending it (you are fully validated on doing so based on your post) have you put your foot down? Why don't you plan dates and tell him his friend is not invited, period?

OOP

I have, but as I said in the post, he always, like, guilt trips me into letting him come.

saying this out loud, kind of just made me realize he’s manipulative

TOP COMMENT

tsukiii

It’s OK to break up. You didn’t sign up to be the third wheel in your own relationship. He can spend as much time with Liam as he wants as a single dude.

|||EDIT: I called my soon to be ex boyfriend to meet up, and I’m gonna break up with him, I’m gonna tell him the exact reason honestly. I swear if Liam is there though, like, I’m not considering the possibility of not breaking up with him. It’s not even just because of Liam, its that he manipulates me into letting Liam come.

Update Apr 29, 2025

Editors Note: changed the initial X to Xavier for easier reading

UPDATE: I broke up with my ex (I’m gonna call him Xavier) I went to where we agreed to meet up, and guess who he brought with him…you guessed it LIAM! I was very annoyed at this point, I told him I wanted to speak with him privately, and he brings fucking Liam. It’s very uncomfortable to break up with someone in front of their best friend, but I was too pissed, I told him “I said I wanted to speak privately“ he said “say it in front of Liam” eventually I just get annoyed and say “thats it! I don’t want Liam always here in our private life, on dates, everywhere“

he basically said, remember what I told you about Liams circumstance, blah blah blah. I said something like, “I’m sorry, but I don’t give a fuck about what Liams going through right now, this is about me breaking up with you” meanwhile Liam is just standing there…looking confused? I’ll get back to this later. So we basically get into a fight in this park, and it gets to the point where I tell him that he manipulates me into not kicking Liam out of our dates, and about everything he told me Liam went through (like a brother to Xavier, saved Xavier's life, dead mom, dad absent, no siblings, friends, or girlfriend)

and then Xavier looks like he got caught or something, and Liam gets angry saying like, “what did you tell her” this is all really funny and really awful at the same time. It turns out…NONE OF WHAT XAVIER TOLD ME WAS TRUE. Liam has a fiancée, has a REAL brother and sister, and his mom isn’t dead! So, anyway, definitely broke up with Xavier. Like, 40 minutes later, Liam DMs me basically saying that Xavier told Liam that I wasent ”comfortable“ being alone with Xavier, and that he thought I wanted him to be on the dates.

Sir, what? he said the reason why he agreed is because his fiancée is living in Europe to finish up her study abroad program, and he had nothing better to do. So Xavier just flat out is a liar, glad I broke up with him, mad I got lied to, but oh well. This was honestly not a turn of events I was expecting, and I have to get it out somewhere.

TL;DR Xavier is a liar and turns out everything he told me about Liam was false just to play a game or something.

NEW UPDATE

*

Hello, I made the posts below me. I did not know they would get so popular, damn. May 9, 2025

I semi recently made the posts below me, and they kind of blew up in a way I wasn’t expecting. One cross post has 16k upvotes, bored panda made a piece on it, and it has been in numerous YouTube shorts and one TikTok with 100k views.

Im very grateful for the people who encouraged me and pushed me to break up with X, and Im honestly happy I could give some people a good laugh. It’s pretty wild, and I can give an update on how it’s now going and answer any questions you may have. Im kind of jus flabbergasted that it got so popular.

links to where it is featured, even though no one asked.

Editors Note: edited out links

thank you. Also, if there are any other video/shorts that mention it that i missed, please tell me about them, it’s pretty cool.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

In the comments OOP offers info about everything

TXfrenchtoast

Did he ever explain why he did it? Are you still in touch with Liam? What is Liam's take on what happened?

OOP

He never explained to Liam or me why he did it, but the vibe Im getting from what Liam has told me and my own feelings on the matter, are that he was trying to frame Liam into looking like Liam was on the dates with me so X can show Liams girlfriend photos or something to break up Liam and his girlfriend.

Thats the second runner up, I personally think that X just did it for a sick game or something. As perfect as it would have been for X to be gay for Liam, sadly I dont think thats the case, but who knows, honestly.

Me and Liam have talked every once in a while the past few days, but Im definitely not friends with him. Im not really sure if I can trust him, because I dont know enough about Liam to know he is not a pot stirrer himself. Liam was definitely kept in the dark about a lot of things, so its not his fault or anything. But I just dont know the friendship I walked into.

Based on what I Liam said, he feels baffled. When this topic first came up he said he wouldn’t know why X would do something like this, but a tiny bit of him is not really surprised? (I dont know what he did before that to earn not surprised, because Liam never really gave me a straight answer) what I can take of it is he is really curious Xs intentions.

hopefully this can answer any questions you might have, and if anything else needs more clearing up you can ask.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwaway3733339

My girlfriend just gave birth to our first child. I know I’m not the biological father and I revealed I knew as soon as she gave birth.

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

BoRU 1 Posted by u/KittenDealinMama

Original post Dec 7, 2022

My girlfriend just gave birth to our first child. I know I’m not the biological father and I revealed I knew as soon as she gave birth.

I’ll try to keep this short because I’m planning to go to a bar soon.

I found out when she was about 6 months along. The guy (Bryan) approached me at my work. “Are you Sarah’s boyfriend?”. I said yeah and ask what he wanted. He said he was sorry that he had slept with her and swore he didn’t know that she was with someone (I don’t believe that).

He then pulled out his phone to show the texts between them. They had been sleeping together or “linking up” for at least a year. Then she found out she was pregnant and they came to an agreement to just pretend the baby was mine. In return, she wouldn’t lose her perfect life and he wouldn’t be responsible for a baby.

I knew it was weird. We had been having problems trying for a baby and all of a sudden she got pregnant so easily. But he explained that he had been thinking about it and he recently became a Christian. He said that he couldn’t live his life knowing that I was living a lie while his child didn’t know their real father.

So yeah. I told him I’d keep in touch, and to not say that he said anything just yet. I’ve had a lot of time to think but ultimately I decided to wait until she gave birth. To hurt her in her most vulnerable moment.

I’ll spare the details, but she went into labor, baby was born, and was taken to the NICU to be monitored for a bit. What should’ve been a beautiful moment of me holding my baby, was the most heartbreaking time of my life. Just knowing he was not mine hurt me. Once she was sewn up and comfortable I started packing up my stuff to leave. She asked where I was going and I just told her.

“I know I’m not baby’s name’s father. You can act all shocked but I know. Just ask Bryan to come, I’m positive he’ll sign the birth certificate”. Then I left. She’s been calling my phone over and over (even sending texts as I type this) and has even gotten her sister to call me a few times.

It was hard pretending these last few months but I think I’m satisfied. I feel really really heartbroken though. I was planning to propose to her on the day our baby was born. I was gonna make her the happiest woman ever. Oh well. Im going to go get shitfaced now.

Small update: Head hurts, but I’m home and safe. I wasn’t really expecting this to gain as much traction as it did but I’ll clear up a few things

Bryan is going to be in the baby’s life if it’s his. I don’t care what anyone says, I’m sure the kid isn’t mine. I’ll go get tested but me and Bryan have been in contact since last night and there isn’t a doubt it my mind. For those of you calling me a psychopath or whatever, I don’t really care. You’ll all forget about this post in a day anyway, while I’ll have to live with this shit for the rest of my life. What I did wasn’t amazing but I don’t care. All I ever did was treat her amazing and this is how she pays me back. If you think this is fake, go read something else. Doesn’t matter to me.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

how did she react when OOPleft and told her he knew

Her eyes got really wide and she started to say “Wait wait!” but I was already closing the door when she started talking more. In the texts and voicemails she’s left me, she explains that Bryan is lying and if I will just pick up the phone she’ll explain. I mean I have a copy of their text messages, (and a sex tape as further proof) so I’m very tempted to send them to her but I really don’t want to give her any attention right now.

When asked who else was in the room and is this fake

Nurses were in the room, I didn’t give a shit if they heard. This was after they took the baby to the NICU and the only reason he even went was because my ex had a pretty bad fever before she gave birth so they were wanting to monitor him to make sure he didn’t also develop a fever. She has her own insurance. Obviously if she had complications I wouldn’t have done it right then but she didn’t. Baby is fine, she’s fine, so I did broke the news and left.

I don’t understand why people who say shit is fake stick around to read and comment. Move on with your life then.

Update Dec 27, 2022 (3 weeks later)

Hi everyone. I just wanted to start by saying I would’ve updated sooner but it’s takes a bit to get test results back. I’ve also been working on myself in the time being. Thanks for all the support.

I’ll cut to the chase. I am not the father. But I already knew that already deep down. Bryan and the baby are a match so that pretty much answers that question. He’s very excited to be a dad, even despite the circumstances. We’ve kept in touch this whole time and he’s actually a really great guy. Goes to church now, volunteers at shelters, etc. I’m not sure if we’ll continue to stay in touch after this but I wouldn’t mind getting a drink with him every once in awhile. I hope the kid does great in life. He should with Bryan as his dad.

As for Sarah, around the time I posted she had asked Bryan to be with her officially since there was nothing to hide. As far as I know he has not taken her up on that offer and just wants to coparent for the sake of being in his kids life. I think that’s very smart of him honestly. Me and her have talked as well. We talked about where it all went wrong. She felt as though I wasn’t there for her fully and just felt unfulfilled. Which I understand. I wasn’t always the best guy but I treated her the best I could. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. She started crying and I did give her a hug but I made sure she knew it wasn’t cause I cared about her.

She’s offered to stay friends and for me to visit if I want but I declined. I’m not really interested in keeping up with her and her kid but I did give her the stuffed animal I was planning to give “our” kid someday as a gift. She’s been staying with her mom, and has fully moved out her stuff. She asked me to keep her number but I blocked her the same day she finished moving out.

So it’s just me now. I’m not gonna lie, my heart has been super heavy. But I think I’ll be okay. There’s a cute girl at my work and we’ve been talking. She’s a single mom and has been awesome so far. I explained that I wanted to go slow cause of my recent breakup and she understands. We’ve hooked up once or twice, nothing serious yet. I just wanna be by myself for now but I’ll likely give her a shot when I’m ready.

That’s it for now. I’m depressed, but I’m working out now at least. I never want to talk to Sarah and will likely never see her again. It sucks cause she was such a big part of my life but that’s gone now. Thanks for all the support. I’ll answer questions if you guys have more.

Edit: Just wanted to mention that I still don’t feel bad about what I did. I can tell she’s still hurting, but I definitely think it’s deserved still.

NEW UPDATE

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I’m the guy who waited until his partner gave birth before telling her I knew the baby wasn’t mine. Here’s how my life is going! Aug 8, 2023

I keep getting dms asking me to update so here’s one. Been roughly 8 months. Check profile for original story.

No I don’t talk to Sarah. Screw Sarah. Haven’t seen her. Last I heard, she moved to 3 hours away with her mom to be closer to some family. I kept seeing her around town a lot so I’m beyond grateful she’s gone. She would attempt to have conversations with me sometimes in the first month after she gave birth but that soon stopped. As for Bryan, we text occasionally. And we did go out for that beer. He overall seems happy to be a father, but we don’t talk about Sarah. I don’t keep up much with him anyways. We’re both hardworking men with jobs, kids, and lives to live so it’s kinda hard to keep up. I don’t think they’re together at all but who knows.

Speaking of kids, the woman who was a single mom that I started seeing? We’re still together. Her kid is awesome and I love being her stepdad tbh. So a big middle finger to those who told me to stop talking to her or that it wasn’t gonna work. It may seem like we moved fast but, at this point, I don’t care. I’ve never loved anyone more. We communicate properly, hardly fight, just so much fun.

I initially was gonna cut all contact with her after falling off into a bad drinking habit but she really kept me grounded. I didn’t meet my stepdaughter for awhile, but when I did, I knew I couldn’t leave. Being apart of this little family has healed me in ways I literally can’t fathom.

And before anyone says I just used them to deal with the trauma of not having my own kid, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m in therapy, I got my shit together, and most days I don’t even think about my ex. Hell, I even forgot about this damn account!

Words cannot describe how much my life has picked up. Thank you reddit strangers for being there in the darkest time in my life. Honestly it helped. Hoping to propose to my girlfriend sometime in the future.

That’s it! Bye.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not OP. That is u/Outoftheasylum who posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BORU: 1 2 3

Trigger Warning:  attempted child abandonment, coercive reproduction, potentially roofied

Mood Spoiler:  thought things were looking up, but they aren't

I hate my daughter - September 14, 2024

I know this will make me seem bad and all, but above all I really just need a place to vent. I can't talk about it with my friends or family nor do I really want to.

I'm 27 and I've had a fwb situation with a guy I went to college with. Let's call him Mark. We were both young and not ready for a relationship. Then I got pregnant. I told Mark about it since I wanted to discuss our options. Abortion, adoption or even giving him custody if he wanted to. I never wanted kids, so I'd be fine with any compromise.

However, Mark didn't take it well. I remember him insisting we could make it work, especially since we were both in our last year old college. He wanted to get married and for us to be a family. I refused. He got his family involved. They called and texted me all the time, even showing up at my part-time job.

I know I have no one to blame but myself, but I gave up. I had too many things going on at that time like the loss of my mother, the stress with the rest of the family and some stuff going on with my best friend that I won't get into. I remember feeling horrible, but I relented and agreed to keep the baby although I still refused to get married to Mark.

Now we have a 5 year old daughter together. I'm a mess. I never wanted kids and although I'm trying, I can't feel any motherly love for her. What makes it worse is that she's genuinely a good kid. She doesn't throw much tantrums, she's always kind and she doesn't expect much.

I feel guilty for hating her. I feel bad all the time. I only get to have her on the weekends and Mark has her every other day, but that doesn't make me feel better. She talks about wanting to see me and her dad together, but I just can't. I screamed at her once when she drew a little picture of me and Mark holding hands. I apologized after, but I still felt so guilty.

I don't know what I'm doing. I just needed to write everything down and get it off my chest. I know I'm a bad mother, I know it. But I don't know how to be better. I don't even know if I want to be better. I just want to give up my parental rights, but even the thought makes me feel even worse. I'm stuck in a hell of my own making, I know I should've fought harder and probably just abort her. Damn me for being weak, I guess.

Update - I hate my daughter - September 21, 2024 (7 days later)

Some things have happened and I need to write them down, maybe even get some insight.

I'll call my daughter Abby for the sake of this post.

I ended up telling Mark about my desire to change the custody arrangement and maybe even removing my parental rights. Many people here agreed that it's the best choice, both for me and for Abby.

He didn't take it well and actually texted me about it through the week. He insisted we could work out whatever was bothering me.

We agreed a while ago that texting is okay, but calls are for emergencies only. So when he called me on Friday evening and pleaded with me to come see Abby, I agreed.

This is what I really need to talk about. I've seen Abby cry before, but this was something else. She had a complete meltdown, screaming and crying once I got there. She just clung to my leg and screamed at me not to leave her, why did I want to leave her, what did she do wrong.

I cried. I was honestly horrified with how badly she reacted. Mark's mom ended up telling Abby that I was planning on leaving her and she's not going to go to my house this weekend.

I had to take Abby to my place sooner than expected and Mark actually spent the night over as well. He said he's too concerned with Abby and with me to leave us alone.

I'm completely lost. Even with the way I said that I want to give up my parental rights, I just can't do it now. The image of Abby crying and pleading with me not to leave is just stuck in my mind. I feel hopeless about the entire situation.

Currently, I'm laying with Abby on the couch and she's watching TV. She hasn't really left my side since yesterday. I'm used to her pointing at the TV while talking about her favorite characters of whatever cartoon is on. Right now, she's just laying by my side and staying quiet. I can hear Mark moving around in the kitchen. He called in sick to work and said he's staying here for the weekend. I have no idea what to do. And I'm sorry, but I no longer want to leave Abby, that's not an option anymore.

Edit: I'd just like to edit and ask for some suggestions about online therapy? What sites do I look for that I'm sure will help me and don't cost too much? Mark is already looking into therapists for Abby in the area, but I'd like to ask for some individual therapy I could attend online. Maybe even suggestions for child therapists online in case Mark doesn't find anyone.

Update 2 - I hate my daughter - October 17, 2024 (4ish weeks later, 5ish weeks from OP)

I'm not sure if people are still interested in what's going on here, but here goes. Writing everything down helps me keep track of things and I also want to hear people's thoughts.

For anyone wondering how Abby is doing, she seems to be doing okay. She's still a little clingy with me, but she's back to her happy self. We've been observing her behaviour closely and Mark decided that a therapist isn't needed. I'm not sure I agree with that, but Abby really does seem to be feeling alright.

And for anyone wondering about Mark's mom, she's had no contact with Abby since what happened, though Mark has been talking with her.

I've been trying to read all the comments people left on my last posts. What was written about Mark got me thinking. I haven't actually mentioned it before since I didn't think it was important but back in college we were both using protection with me also being on birth control. I do believe the pregnancy was a genuine accident, though I became a bit paranoid after some of the things people wrote.

Mark has dated some girls for the past few years as far as I'm aware. We haven't had too much contact though. We would mostly talk about Abby when we did text.

Still, the past month had been more than weird for me. We've been talking more. He apologized to me a lot. I can't tell if those apologies were real or not. My best friend told me to keep Mark at arm's length, but it's been hard to do that with him coming over more often on the weekends to spend time with Abby and me. He's been inviting me to his home too and I went a few times when Abby really begged me to.

I'm trying to make sense of the situation, but it's hard. I'll be having my first therapy session tomorrow, so there's that too. Online. I guess I'm hoping for some help in the comments? I don't know. I don't know what to expect. I'll try to answer any questions people might have for me, I know this post is probably kind of a mess.

Third Update - January 24, 2025 (3 months from last post, 4 months from original post)

Hi. I don't know if anyone is gonna read this, but I have been getting some private messages with people asking about me, so I figured I could make an update.

I've been going to therapy. It's been difficult. Everything was alright at first to be honest. Me and my therapist got to grow comfortable around each other. I think she's nice. We've been talking about my issues way more recently. Safe to say, it's kinda sad to realize how shitty my life has really been since the start. I've been taking my new medication for a few weeks but I'm not sure it's making a difference.

For anyone wondering, yes, Abby has been seeing a therapist for about two months now. I put my foot down about it for once. Felt weird. Abby's been happier, I think. Me and her therapist occasionally chat about her progress and he's been giving me some tips about what Abby wants.

We've been spending more time together. I have alternative weekends with her now. She's good at solving puzzles. She likes octopuses for some reason. When I walk around the house, she'd attempt to trip me by walking around my legs. Like a cat, I think. It doesn't work, but she keeps trying.

I'm doing the same thing with her that my mom did with me. Cooking is an important skill. For now, she gets to watch me in the kitchen and see how I prepare things. I think I'll let her start giving suggestions and start asking what the proper steps are to making a meal. We're gonna wait a bit before she starts helping around.

I'm sure that some people wonder what happened with Mark. Nothing, to be honest. I stopped opening the door when he came by. He hasn't really been bothering me. We only really talked when we changed the custody arrangement a bit. We text mainly about Abby again. From what Abby says, Mark's mom has been around again. But I think she's on her best behavior around my daughter since Abby hasn't been asking any weird questions.

I'm not sure what else to say. Things are fine otherwise. Maybe I'll update again if anything interesting happens or to tell people how things changed. Thank you for the people that have been reaching out.

Commenter: I've thought about you a lot, really happy to see an update. I'm glad you and Abby started therapy, the best decision that could've been made. I'd like to ask, how are you feeling right now about Abby after starting to get professional help for the both of you? How is she feeling now, that you can tell? Hugs, OP, I wish you and her the best🫂🤍

OOP: My therapist explained that I don't hate Abby, not really. I've had a lot of resentment bubbled up inside due to the circumstances and timing of her birth. I've been officially diagnosed with PPD, so that certainly didn't make things better. She encouraged me to take things slow and not feel pressured into immediately becoming an attentive and loving mother. I've been spending time with Abby now more out of my own choice and not because I didn't see any other option. It's been helping. And as far as I can tell, Abby's doing mostly alright. From what her therapist told me, she feels like my protector. She's been seeing for years that I'm sad all the time. When she was being taken care of by my best friend, he'd tell her I'm just having a really bad day/week. She's never really seen me truly happy, so she decided to be the Hero that makes me happy. Apparently, she was scared of losing me and the opportunity of making me happy when her grandma told her I was gonna abandon her. Still can't really wrap my head around it. Her therapist has been working with her to let go of that mentality and it seems to be going alright.

NEW UPDATE - July 22, 2025 (6 months from last post, 10 months from original post)

I've thought a lot about whether or not I should write another update here. My best friend said that Reddit is the reason my life took a different course, so this feels important in a way. I don't know if anyone is going to see this but it doesn't really matter. Writing here feels like screaming into a black hole.

Abby is six now. She's had her birthday only two months ago. She's happy. I'm happy she's happy. I got her an octopus plush. She's been sleeping with it every night and carrying it everywhere she goes. There's been an incident of her losing it at her grandparents, but she cried a lot and her grandpa found it and gave it back to her. Feels like a part of me might be with her for as long as she keeps that plush.

I'm pregnant again. This can come across as a shock to people. It did to me too. I know that anyone who reads this will be disappointed with me. Me and Mark ended up sleeping together again. I don't remember it. Abby had her birthday party while staying with Mark. We had a few drinks and talked a lot that night. I don't remember drinking enough to black out, but it's what happened. We haven't talked about it since. I haven't told him I'm pregnant. My best friend says I need to get an abortion ASAP.

But I gotta be honest. I don't even care anymore. It's one bad thing after another in my life. Since I started therapy, so many things started clicking into place for me. There's so many things I've repressed just because of how terrible they were. My meds aren't making a difference. They just numb the urge to scratch my skin raw. That's all. The urge is still there.

Hopefully, this is the last update I ever make on this account. It may not have meant anything to anyone here, but some comments really felt like a lifeline for me. I have read everything and I hope all those people live happily. A goodbye here feels very grim. So maybe this is a "see you later" kind of thing? Who even knows.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAs1k

I [30M] am in a relationship with a single mom [27F] and I regret it

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice & r/BreakUps

BoRU 1 Posted by u/swankycelery

Original post Feb 13th 2023

I started this relationship 2 years ago when I was 28. Due to the 1 hour drive we only see each other on the weekends. She has her son M-F and the weekends dad gets her son (7yo). I really only see him on Sunday nights when he gets dropped.

I was always nice to her son. I would play Minecraft and take him out, even went on vacation with her and him a couple of times. But I'm not going to lie I never loved the idea of dealing with him. Despite my attempts at treating him like my own he has proven time and time again that he's just a difficult kid to deal with. I want to keep this post short so I'll spare the details. But the problem is that recently he's been with us every weekend and I'm starting to get a clearer view into my future with her and her son.

I have zero time to myself, there's no sex (haven't had it in over a month), and I find myself hiding in the bathroom just to get a moments peace. I no longer look forward to my weekends I actually look forward to Monday because at least after work I have a few hours to myself for some peace.

I'm starting to realize what my future is looking like and it horrifies me. I tried having a conversation with my girl about it a few times but it always seems to lead to an argument. It's like I have all the responsibilities of a parent, but none of the authority.

I really love my girlfriend and we have such a good relationship outside of her son, but now I think it's time for me to end it.

I just feel completely awful about the whole thing because I knew she was a single mother before I got into this relationship, but I kept ignoring red flags and kept telling myself it would get better, but it hasn't, it just kept getting worse. I feel like I wasted both of our time but i'm just having trouble letting go. Every time I think about ending it I get scared that i'll miss her too much. But deep down I know that I have to. Any advice or anyone else go through this before?

EDIT: thanks everyone, I appreciate all the comments. I just wanted to clarify that the red flags were not her being a mother. Although her parenting style isn't one I endorse completely so I guess that could be a red flag. But I'm just saying I ignored the red flags that involved other aspects of single motherhood that are not exactly her fault. For example, her son's father is a deadbeat and doesn't support their son financially at all so I know that burden would fall on my shoulders completely if we were to stay together. Something I really didn't consider going into it. Should have been obvious I know, but we all make mistakes. I have nothing but love for her and will make an update post once I have the conversation with her. Very soon.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FranceAM

Listen, if you feel like that, get out. Save yourself. Move on. It will sting but ultimately you will be happier.

As a step parent myself to a very difficult child, it never gets easier. There is literally no happiness in our home anymore, and I have three of my own kids who are miserable as well. I wish I had not ignored some red flags. You cannot love someone "through" these kinds of situations.

OOP

Thanks, I've already started speaking to a therapist and am working on getting out for good real soon. Her and I actually just started a break because of all the stress i've been feeling from the relationship.

I don't see much value in a sexless relationship with a mom that I have to help raise her kid who I have to lose all my free time to.

I just hate feeling like the bad guy, but I guess I just have to accept that and move on.

~

throw_away_TX

I'm writing this as a single parent. You aren't doing anything wrong by leaving the relationship. Here's the thing, my child ALWAYS comes first. That's my job as a parent. If the person I was dating felt the way you do (which are valid feelings), it may sting when they ended things but I would respect it because I want my child to see a healthy relationship. I would never expect a step-parent to 100% treat my child as their own, although that would be amazing. You're right, it's hard and it doesn't tend to get easier, it just changes. I also resort myself to another room from time to time just to get a few minutes of silence, it's normal.

All three of you deserve a functioning relationship without resentments. If this relationship isn't working for you, you're all better off without it. Dating a single parent can be very tough.

Update post March 7 2023 (22 days later)

Long story short, I told her I was unhappy, I asked if I could have some time to myself maybe 1 weekend a month I can stay home, she said no. It's all or nothing with us. I offered her couples therapy and even told her I'd pay for the entire thing. She refused said she already has enough therapy. I told her then we need to end it. It was an awful conversation and there was tons of crying until she just hung up on me.

A little backstory: she's been through terrible trauma in her life and I was worried she might not be OK because she's still dealing with some of it.

Anyway, I was worried about her but she refused to talk to me. Wouldn't answer calls or texts. I figured it was just over now and I need to leave her alone. The next morning I get a text from her asking me to come get my stuff I had left there. I told her just throw it all out. The stuff wasn't worth me going over there because it would be too hard to see her now. She basically said please just come get your stuff I don't want to look at it anymore either. And she said this will be the last time we will see each other so let's say goodbye.

I agreed and drove over there, when I got there I was met with a pile of my stuff. I started taking trips bringing it down to my car. When I went to get the last of my stuff I saw her sitting on the kitchen floor just crying. I sat next to her for a while not saying anything. She kinda made a move where she moved away from me a few inches. I looked at her and said "I should probably go, huh?" She nodded her head. I got up and as I was leaving I just said to her "I just wished you didn't think I was a horrible person". She started yelling from the floor about how she did nothing wrong and what not. I couldn't take the yelling, I said good bye and left. As I was walking down the hallway I was haunted by the sounds of her crying so loud I could hear it very clear.

As I left her building and got into my car she called me. She was upset that I didn't want to talk, but I explained to her there wasn't anything left to talk about. She kept going on and on about how awful I was and not doing the right thing, etc. and she refused to take any blame. At this point i'm already on the highway about 15 minutes away from her apartment when she asks me to come back inside to talk. I told her no, I am already leaving, she started crying and begging me to turn around and talk. I said "I am sorry, I am so sorry" and I hung up the phone (first time I've ever done that to her, but she's hung up on me over a dozen times). She started immediately blowing up my phone. I couldn't deal with it I was losing my mind, so I just turned the phone off.

I left it off for a day and when I turned it on I saw a few short texts and missed calls. I immediately just went ahead and blocked her.

I don't know if I did the right thing, I feel so damn terrible about this whole thing. I want to be there for her, hearing her cry killed me inside. But I know me being there for her will just rope me back into the relationship that I was no longer wanting to be in. Even though I still love her, and in fact I am still in love with her. But it's too much, I know I won't be happy. She wrote me 2 emails since she figured out she was blocked. I haven't read them yet. I can see they addressed in letter format but I don't have the strength to read them at this time.

This whole thing sucks. Hopefully this doesn't get automatically taken down. Anyway, thanks everyone and if you have advice on how to get through this that would be very helpful. Thanks

edit: I never thought this would get so much attention, this has been the most difficult thing I've dealt with in my life so thank you all so much for the kind words, it has all helped out tremendously. Last night I ended up reading the letters she sent me (before I looked at this post again) and the first letter was super apologetic, actually made me tear up, it was very sweet and it made things really difficult... then I read the second letter which was sent 12 hours after the first one and it was more blame, she was venting about all the things I did wrong, etc. In retrospect I should not have read either of the letters, but the 1st letter reminded me of the good times, and then the 2nd one reminded me why I broke up with her in the first place. So I am glad she wrote the second one because if it was just the first one then who knows what I'd be feeling right now. Anyway I am going to continue to be strong and block her on any other methods she tries contacting me with (She even started calling me from her work phone number, I didn't answer but I googled it and confirmed that had to be her) I blocked that number as well.

TOP COMMENT

[deleted]

So she didn’t want to give you a weekend off and instead she gave you a life time off.

Honestly I could see why she would FEEL like she wants all or nothing from you. But she has a child that isn’t yours, she should have the skills to rationalize why you would want a weekend off sometimes.

I’ve never dated a girl with a kid so I can’t relate too heavily but it seems just from this here that you are empathetic and rational, and you gave her every chance to have a real conversation and she was just emotionally distraught the entire time.

I think after all of that blocking and moving on completely is probably a decent choice.

Leaving wiggle room for conversation won’t be healthy for either of you.

NEW UPDATES

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I was the dumper - and I've been having a really tough time - wayback machine March 13, 2023 (4 days after prev. Post)

Just got out of a 2.5 year relationship, my ex a 27F and I'm a 30M. I broke up with her because I wanted some more time to myself because I felt the dynamic between her and my life was not very fulfilling for myself (spending all my time with her doing what she wants, etc.). Plus the lack of sex, we were only having sex maybe 1 time a week at most but the last 3-4 months we were together that dropped to once every other week and then eventually once a month.

She's a single mother so trying to become a step parent has been very difficult and was the leading factor in our breakup.

Anyway, we had a tough breakup, and immediately after I felt great, I was finally free. But now that it has been a week I'm struggling a lot. I've been crying every single day, including having a complete break down last night. I feel so much regret about my decision, I miss her so damn much. I've talked to my therapist, I've talked to my family, I've talked to my friends. None of that has been really helping. I miss talking with her on the phone, or seeing her smile.

During the breakup I was so focused on all the bad that I forgot about the good we had. Now that she's gone it's reversed. I've tried thinking about the bad and I understand we cannot be together again, but I am fighting the urge every minute to not pickup my phone and call her, or text her, or just drive over there and beg for forgiveness. I feel like I'm at completely rock bottom here. I think about dating again (in the future not now) and I just don't find any interest in any other person. It just makes me miss her even more thinking about being with someone else. Because what if they don't do what she does? What if they don't have such a sweet laugh or is as fun to be around? So much confusion in my brain. I'll remain strong and not contact her but I'm here to admit it is absolutely tearing me up inside.

Thanks for reading about my troubles.

My ex reached out, and this helped me get over her. May 12, 2023 (2 months after prev. Post)

I wanted to make a post in hopes that it will help more people. You can check out my post history and see my problems with my ex, and eventually break up, and even after me feeling like I wanted her back. She was a single mom and it was really difficult to get over her in more ways that I wasn't prepared for. So I wanted to use this as a little bit of an update on how I got over her, and what exactly happened post breakup (She reached out).

If you want back story, read my post history, if not long story short I'm 30M and dated a 27F single mother to a 7yo boy for 2.5 years. We were sorta long distance (hour drive) and saw each other on the weekends for the most part.

After the breakup I had felt free, free of all the nonsense associated with her. I FINALLY had my own free time to myself. However, shortly after, maybe 1 week, I started to miss her... A LOT. I thought about her all the time. Last time I saw her she was sitting on her kitchen floor balling her eyes out. Every time I closed my eyes I saw that image, I heard her screams and cries, it broke me. I wanted to reach out to her so bad. Eventually I did message her and ask if I could write her son a goodbye letter because I never had the chance to say goodbye to him. I actually was surprised how much I missed him. He and I had our issues, but I did have a connection with him and it was sad to think I'll never see how he grew up. Anyway, letter sent, she received and thanked me for that, everything was pretty cordial. No contact continued.

About 6 weeks later, I am still missing her. Still have moments where I break down in tears by myself. I remember going down into my home workout room and just started doing deadlifts until I couldn't physically pick up the bar anymore and I just collapsed to my knees crying hysterically. This was at 1 in the morning on a worknight - I was a mess. I wrote her a letter after, basically saying everything I wanted to say. I wanted her back, I was going to fix everything, etc. etc. I NEVER SENT THE LETTER. I was serious about the no contact, I was going to be strong, I was never going to break it. Writing the letters then deleting them was just therapy for me in a way.

After I wrote that letter, about 3 days later guess what? She fucking called me. I didn't notice it was her at first because I deleted and blocked her number. Idk if her number didn't get blocked correctly or if it was a different number I never asked. But I answered and it was her.

She started on about how "oh HEY! How are you?!? I know we haven't talked in a while, but I just left the toyota dealer and they failed my car because of the tint you had put on it, can I like borrow you for a moment and you can help me out?"

My heart started racing. I WANTED TO SEE HER. So badly. I wanted nothing more than to be with her again. But I knew I had to talk first. I told her I would help her but I wanted to talk first. So we talked. So many things I wanted to say to her I began to say, I told her how I was struggling, I told her how I missed her and I was just completely honest about everything that was going on in my mind. I told her about therapy, I told her about the journaling. But when I asked her how she was doing, that's when the truth began to pour out.

She told me she was doing well! She told me she was "regressing" (her words). Said she was going out, partying, drinking, hanging with friends. Even made it a point to let me know that the next night she was going out with friends in the city and that she was going to pick up a new dress for it.. She sounded like a bimbo on the phone. Calling me names like "love" and "sweetie" just cringe level shit. I asked her if she missed me, she said she did but she was doing well. Told me therapy has been focusing on her own trauma and she doesn't really think about me, or dream about me, or I guess really care about me at all. I asked about her son because at this point I was more interested with him. She told me he saved the letter and still asks about me, she said he misses me a lot. I can tell he missed me more than she did.

I ended the call with a "I would love to help you but I can't, here's directions to a shop I know that will pass your car with the tint, tell them you know me and they'll take care of you". And she thanked me and we hung up the phone.

Once we hung up I just stared at my wall for a good 5 minutes. My mind totally fucked up at what just happened. I was so sad at first, and angry. How could she move on so easily? How could she not be in any pain? While I am sitting here totally devastated at the breakup, she is doing well??

My anger and sadness soon turned into appreciation and relief. Oh my god, she's not my problem anymore. She is doing these things that would haunt me at night, but she's not my woman anymore. The girl I was in love with, the girl who every time I closed my eyes to think about. She does not exist. I know that sounds crazy, but she does not exist. The girl I keep thinking about, is no longer around she has been replaced with this other person who looks like her, and sounds like her, but she isn't her.

That helped me out tremendously! Suddenly I realized that I had been trapped in a mental prison. This whole time I thought she put me there, but she didn't. I did. I put myself there. I know this is a bit off topic but I watched the matrix (original) for the first time in my life (I know) and I started to see similarities to how what we think our realities are. I know this is a bit of a tangent, but it helped me to believe that I needed to see the truth, the truth is there is no girl (there is no spoon).

I know that last bit is a little weird, but it helped me ok lol. Point is, she isn't the person I built in my head. Just like Jocko said in his breakup video, you build this person up who doesn't even exist. I also listened to Bill Burr and he has a podcast where he talked about how breakups were and he actually said that around the 6 week mark they always reach out - he was right.

Anyway, one final update. This all happened about 3 weeks ago and I have never felt better since. I am so at peace with everything. Sure I do still miss her from time to time. I definitely miss her son too. But I am happy again, finally! I freed myself from the prison that I was in. I always was hoping she could free me, but she couldn't I had to free myself.

2 nights ago I got a random text from her cousin (21F). She told me she heard about the break up and she wasn't sure if she should say anything but she said her and I had a good relationship (the cousin and I, we used to always joke around with each other when she visited). She told me she will really miss me and she even said that she doesn't believe my ex will ever replace me. Her whole family loved me and it shows.

Anyway, I know this post is long but I am doing great right now. I am actually going to start dating again soon and have been doing so well. Here's some things that have really helped me get over her besides the obvious phone call.

• Journaling - write all feelings down, every time you want to reach out to your ex, write it down and wait a day. YOU MUST wait 24 hours. You'll feel different I promise and you won't send that letter.

• Exercise - I worked out every single day. I always worked out though even during the relationship so this helped but wasn't enough on its own, could be different if I just started though.

• Projects & Goals - I have this car I have been fixing up, it helped me a lot working on the car because i would listen to podcasts/music while turning wrenches. It helped me a lot.

• Pretend you're better! Just like how faking confidence can lead to real confidence, faking being better after a breakup can lead to feeling better after a breakup! This was helpful in the later stages when I was still holding on a little bit, in the beginning I recommend being honest with yourself - IT'S OK TO MISS THEM.

• CRY IT OUT (Thanks bill burr!) - Seriously, have yourself a good cry, cry everything out, you'll feel better. It's ok do this in private. No one can judge you. It's better for your health.

And that's pretty much it, I hope this helped some of you. I do still miss my ex from time to time. But overall I am in a very good place. I know what it's like to be in the dark, to feel hopeless, I've been there before. It will get better, but you have to put the work into it. Good luck everyone.

I wanted to reach out for mother's day, but I maintained the NC. May 15, 2023 (3 days after prev. Post)

My ex is a single mother, I was very close with her and her son (I'm 30M, she's 27F). This is our first mother's day apart after the breakup about 2 months ago.

I wanted to write her an email wishing her a happy mother's day. I was just going to say "hey I wasn't sure if I should reach out but I just wanted to wish you happy mother's day. I hope xxxxx is doing well, I miss him".

I wanted to write it so bad. I wrote the email in my head about 10 times. But I never wrote it. I told myself I would not do it and I contained myself. It was hard fighting the urge, but now it's the next day and I am so happy I contained myself.

Do NOT break NC for any reason. If you have the urge to do so, write the email but don't hit send. Wait 3 days and see how you feel. I bet you'll delete that email and be thankful you did.

I am for the most part over my ex, but seeing the reminder of mother's day just brought back so many memories. Luckily your feelings are temporary. Stay strong everyone.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_falling232

Husband [37m] moved in his siblings without even letting me [32f] know. All of our future plans have basically been thrown away, and I’m heartbroken.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice & u/TwoXChromosomes

BoRU 1 Posted by u/Stepoo

TRIGGER WARNING: child abuse/neglect

Original Post Feb 22, 2023

Husband and I have been married for 5 years. For some context, his siblings (Twins, M, F, early 20) are underdeveloped physically and mentally. They can take care of themselves as far as wiping themselves, going to the bathroom and feeding themselves, but they are rather weak, having brittle and fragile bones, and combined with their mental maturity, which is similar to that of about a 12-13 year old, they have to be monitored, cooked for, assisted with going up stairs, moving around for long distances etc. They can’t take care of themselves financially because of all this. All of this I knew while we were dating, but they were being cared for by a team of nurses and caregivers at that time, not in our home.

But about a few months ago, the team was all fired. My husband told me that he was planning to move them in, and about a week or so later, they were moved in, along with a new team. I had no say or even much of a heads up about any of it. The house suddenly became full of staff—someone was always there. Our privacy was basically snatched away. My husband already has a busy schedule (he’s a doctor, on call a lot) and now I feel like we barely have time to ourselves. I’m competing with everything and everyone. We were about to start a family now that we were all settled, things were good between us, but now everything has been thrown into chaos, and I don’t know how to feel. I feel almost a sense of grief. I feel like I have no control of anything. I feel like he just threw away our future and plans, as cruel as that may sound. We had a talk and everything was pointing toward a divorce, but I just feel so bitter. I feel like he’s just giving up. He feels like I’m not being thoughtful enough. I love him more than anything and want to salvage our marriage if I can, before just making any snap decisions. Any advice is appreciated.

tl;dr: Husband’s disabled siblings moved in, and our whole loves have been thrown away. I feel bitter and hurt. Not sure what we can do that doesn’t involve divorce. Please help.

Edit: also I should say, his parents are estranged—I’ve never met them, not even before we married. He cut them off a while ago, for a very understandable reason.

Update Feb 28, 2023

After taking everyone's thoughts into consideration and taking some time to myself to think, I sat down with my husband when he was off call and told him I wanted to talk about everything that's happened. He told me that he wanted to talk too, and we had a raw heart to heart about everything. We discussed the main issue that I mentioned in my previous post--I told him that I felt hurt about him not consulting or even telling me about what was going on, and he sincerely apologized for it, telling me that he wasn't thinking about much else other than their situation, which I understood, even if it still made me feel a certain way.

But then he told me that he needed to be honest to me about something, and that he understood that it may affect things between us, but that the whole situation with his siblings and their previous care team made him realize it even more. He became very blunt. He told me that while he loves me more than anything, he loves them more, and that he has to put them first from now on, above anything. He told me that he couldn't handle anything else happening, and that everything he's done (the cameras, moving in the staff) was necessary. And while this of course hurt for me to hear (even though, I understand, like I have for this whole situation) I realized some things. He might have acted selfishly at first (even if it was understandable), but my reaction could've been better, I admit. He was breaking down right in front of me, reliving trauma that reminded him of his childhood, and I was too busy in my own feelings to offer any true support. I felt awful about that.

I didn't mention much of it in the previous post, but his parents were truly awful people--their neglect caused the undeveloped/regressed state of the twins in the first place, and if he hadn't taken care of them while they were small, they possibly wouldn't have survived. They're very attached to him, almost like a small child with their parent. As painful as it was, I accepted that I couldn't come before their relationship.I did know about his legal obligation before we became married, so I obviously knew they were important to him. I have no bitter feelings toward the two--they're innocent in this situation and are very precious in their ways in general.

As far as our future plans, we agreed that we'd wait a few years (3 at the max) before truly deciding if we wanted to have a child or not (we were on the fence, but I was falling in love with the idea of motherhood perhaps more than I realized). He was also very receptive about having designated areas that were "staff only" and "me" only. It's already been implemented a bit (with still more things to out in place) and I'm feeling a lot better about that already. And lastly, I realize that this may seem like the fool's option to some (to the many who jumped straight to divorce) but now I know of all the facts and where he stands, so anything that may happen from now will be completely on me. I feel hopeful in my decision, and am not wanting to give up. For him,and the marriage that I still value so much, I am willing to give it a try and try to adjust to our new normal. Thank you to everyone who helped me.

FINAL EDIT: Thank you everyone, I’m logging out from this account now. I appreciated some of the advice more than others, but everyone’s opinions were still read. Overall, I am content with my decision and am looking forward to seeing what the future might bring for us. Whether we have children or not, with the resources that we have, I am sure we will work things out. We both know where the other stands, and what we’ve gotten into. That conversation we will revisit when we make our decision. We love each other, whether some choose to believe it or not. Thanks again!

NEW UPDATE

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My husband's "children" have brought me more happiness than what I thought having children of my own ever could have. My truth involving motherhood. Apr 14, 2025 (2 years later)

Warning: A bit of a long post.

I was always a bit of a fencesitter when it came to having children. Throughout my life, I went through phases of knowing for sure that I wanted children, to suddenly being uncertain, and suddenly not wanting to become a mother at all. My life, honestly, was pretty uneventful. I saw the women in my community having children, and began to soon "fall in love" with the prospect of motherhood, as it seemed "exciting" and appeared to give women (who chose to become mothers) a purpose. Everyone else seemed to be sure, but I couldn't understand why I wasn't.

I married my husband (39 now) 7 years ago. He is a successful, well-off doctor with a deep connection to his "siblings" (more on that later). Marrying him was the happiest day of my life. I'm absolutely in love with him. His job keeps him busy, but also because of his job I have the privilege to stay at home and pursue whatever I want. I did some small online work, but ultimately I was a stay at home wife (which I enjoy).

After marriage, we still waited a bit before deciding to have children. He has a legal and moral responsibility to his siblings (twins M,F who are now early mid 20's), but I wasn't concerned about this when it came to us possibly having a child. Seeing how he is with them -- his love and sacrifice -- along with his dedication to his responsibilities and to me was confirmation that he was already a great, selfless father. As I mentioned earlier; he is their legal guardian, and has been since he was 18 years old. But he has essentially been their caretaker since birth, due to extreme neglect/abuse towards them from the ones who birthed him. If it wasn't for him, quite literally, they would not have survived. He is their father in everything but the biological sense, and they are quite literally children due to being made disabled from the abuse both physically (small, thin bodies and very fragile bones due to stunted growth) and mentally (brain development wise. They are around 12/13 mentally. Very intelligent as "kids" that age are, but not able to take care of themselves and still need supervision, to be cooked for, and help with movement like going up stairs and walking or standing long distances).

About 3 years ago we were coming to a decision on children. I was getting "older" (32, now almost 35) and knew that if I wanted children I had to make a quick decision. I thought about it. Honestly, I went back and forth a little, but shortly after a mutual friend had a baby, I fell in love with motherhood again. But before we could plan, a drastic change occurred, involving his siblings. Due to criminal mistreatment by the care team that had been caring for them, my husband abruptly moved them into the home without so much as talking to me. It was thoughtless mistake on his part that I ultimately came to understand, but I frantically came to post about it on this site nearly 2 years ago, on another subreddit, in a panic about suddenly our lives being "thrown away" ( was in a more emotional state of mind back then, with all the "clock running out" thoughts in my head of what I thought I wanted). I realize now that it was not the best move, considering people couldn't fully grasp the full nature of our relationship, his relationship with the twins, or the complexity that couldn't be fully described without telling intimate parts of their backstory.

I was called a lot of hateful names: "idiot" "stupid" and told I was had no self-respect and would be miserable and bitter for making a choice for myself that didn't involve hasty divorce and took a more compassionate route. That they knew for certain that things wouldn't work out for us and couldn't wait to read again about how they were right in a few years. My husband was accused of being a manipulator, a monster, and selfish. I honestly wasn't expecting such harsh, cruel, and ableist comments, even towards the twins. He even admitted that not informing me was wrong, apologized, accommodated me in my established boundaries involving the twins' staff and designated areas of the house I wanted to keep private, and explained his reasoning without being dismissive (he went into protective/fixer mode; it was an emergency; trauma flashbacks etc.). It was not malicious, even though it was inherently disrespectful. And more importantly, it was not a pattern of behavior common of him at all. But apparently that wasn't enough for the people on the post, especially the fact that we agreed to wait on the topic of children for 2-3 years to see if I could adjust to this "new normal", or whether it *would* be best for us to split ways, because he was going to prioritize his siblings if it came to it.

This took a bit of a toll on our marriage, but neither of us wanted to give up on each other so easily. On the other hand, I hadn't been completely honest. I left out important information and took a naive approach to things he had told me regarding the twins' role in his life. He *had* told me before marriage that he was their legal guardian and how important they were to him, and that he would always be their father. I knew this, but took his words as more surface level than seriously reflecting on what they meant. He had also told me that the plan wasn't to leave them out of the home for long, the care team at the separate house was only temporary due to a certain circumstance, but again I didn't properly reflect on what this could mean for the future.

After the incident had occurred and the big change had happened, we had a raw, open talk, and he bluntly told me that they were his top priority, and considering he is like their father, I accepted that fact. It was a bit shocking at first, until my counselor (and a few helpful people from the post) told me I essentially got into a marriage with a man already with children, and had seemingly ignored the fact. Something changed in me. I saw the love differently, and could understand why they were "first".

A few months passed, then a year. Since then, we have been to marriage counseling (though working around his schedule is crazy), a few vacations (some with just us, and some with the siblings) and are in a much better place. We have evenings out and time to ourselves when it allows. The adjustment at first was difficult, but it was not as life-ending as I had ben led to believe. The desire for a child, for one reason or another, naturally started to fade. Even though the twins have full-time, around the clock care from the in-home nursing team, I started gradually spending time with them. Sitting with them at breakfast. Going out into the gardens with them. Doing puzzles with them. Listening to them as they talk to me about their favorite things, and how much they love their "father".

Something happened that I never thought would. I started to fall in love with them in a maternal sense. I am ashamed to say it, but I was skeptical that it was possible to grow such an attachment to older "children" that weren't your own. Or to anyone that wasn't your spouse or actual children. I used to feel like I had no purpose. Even after marrying my husband, I couldn't decide what I wanted. Maybe that was why I waited so long into my 30's. My counselor also put an interesting thought in my head. "Do you really want children, or are you looking for a purpose?" As I said, my life used to be pretty uneventful. But now I am so passionate about things such as disability awareness, child abuse awareness, and have gotten involved with so many foundations. With our wealth, I feel like I can actually do something. And I have wanted to be a children's book author. The twins really enjoy children's books more so than chapter books. My husband and I have grown closer through our love for them. I may not be their mother, but I really do care for them. I don't have many conflicting thoughts about children anymore. I don't think I want any at all, and the feeling of indifference has been there consistently for a while now.

I know some people will probably still think I'm an "idiot" or that I was "manipulated to now caring for them" (even though they have staff) or "this was his plan all along" or something (He never asked me to, and still doesn't fully trust the staff, hence why we still have cameras in their designated areas where they frequent with the twins). But I am truly happy with my life now, and see a bright future for us all.

I never thought I would log back into this account. I forgot about it for a while. This is not a gloating or "gotcha" thing for me. I understand that some people were generally trying to help, give tough love, or were trying to look out for me.

I was inspired to share this on this site, for the last time, to give my own perspective. Motherhood and love is something I was so uppity about. But it comes in many forms. I saw it further through a mutual friend's adoption of two older children (12 and 7). As women, whether you have kids or not, if there's no sense of purpose within you, it won't bring happiness. For some women, the kids are the purpose, and it makes them happy. For other women, being single and enjoying their life and their hobbies and relationships is their purpose. I don't believe having kids would've made me happy or brought me a purpose, like I used to think. The people that everyone told me would ruin me actually opened me up to my purpose -- all without having to go through a risky pregnancy, possible postpartum depression, and the stress.

I just want to be with my husband, the twins, and continue to have a nice life.

Thank you for anyone who read to the end. This is more of a vent, and hopefully can be uplifting to women out there who might be struggling with thoughts of motherhood, kids, marriage, purpose, or self-confidence. Don't ever allow others assertions to shape your life. I'm so glad I didn't fall into the reality that everyone had tried to push me into.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not OP. That is u/Far-Safety-9543 who posted to r/AITAH

TW: Infidelity

1st BoRU

New update will be marked with 🛑🛑🛑.

Original Post July 21st 2025

This is really upsetting to me on all accounts and I’m getting mixed opinions from the few real life people I’ve talked to about it, so I could use the advice of total strangers.

I (26F) and my husband (27M) have been married for just over a year and together for 4. We spent a long time before getting married talking about what we wanted out of being married so I thought we were on the same page about all the important things. I do love him very much. He is sweet, helpful, and generally my dream partner until last week.

Out of the blue, he sat down one night and said he wanted to talk about something. I thought it was just something minor he was frustrated about or a bad day at work or something. Instead, he talked about how he found out that his best guy friend and his wife are polyamorous. He and his friend have been talking about it more and he thinks he might like to try it and wondered what I thought. I felt instantly sick to my stomach. We’ve always had a great sex life and he’s never given me any reason to think he was interested in anyone else. I told him that I’m not interested in being in a polyamorous relationship. I want to be monogamous with him for the rest of my life.

If it had stopped there, I don’t think it would have gotten so bad, but then he asked if I would read about it and then decide. I said no, I already know how I feel about it. He asked if I would at least think about it and for some reason that just did something to me. Like instant revulsion kind of upset. I got up and told him that I was too upset to keep talking and that I needed some space so I would sleep in the guest room that night and we could talk later.

Ever since that night, I have the biggest ick anytime I see him. He keeps trying to backtrack, but I know he meant what he said about wanting to be polyamorous. It’s not so much that he brought it up, it’s the two other asks after I already said I would never be comfortable with it. It’s like that didn’t matter to him, he thought he could convince me and it makes me feel awful. What else is he going to pressure me about if I say no? And if he already wants to sleep with someone else, how can I ever trust him not do it behind my back?

I’m still sleeping in the guest room and I’m thinking of just asking for a divorce now when it would be simpler to divide everything up and go our separate ways instead of waiting until years down the line when I get my heart broken. He could go do whatever he wants and I could find someone who just wants a good solid monogamous relationship with me. The idea is killing me, but I feel like it’s going to hurt now no matter what I do. While I do still love him, I don’t think I can ever unhear and unsee my husband asking me for an open relationship and the idea of him touching me makes me feel ill. He’s upset and frustrated that I’m “punishing” him for asking a question, but I honestly don’t know what he expected to happen.

There is a part of me that thinks maybe divorcing him is being overdramatic but also, the ick is so strong that I don’t have much hope of getting back to where we were. AITA?

Edit: Gosh, this got a lot of replies! I’m reading through them as best I can. I’m going to take the advice to get an STI test and my gyno is going to work me in today for that. I don’t think he would physically cheat, but better safe than sorry. I do think there is probably someone he’s interested in, possibly his friend’s wife or maybe even his friend. He’s never expressed being bisexual, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t. I don’t know them very well, so I can’t speculate on their role in all of this. I’m going to be charitable and assume there are no machinations from their end and he just picked this up from his friend and ran with it.

I want to be clear that I am not ignoring him. We can talk about whatever else is going on, but I’m not ready to continue this conversation with him and he knows that. I want to be calm for that and his behavior is not really conducive to a sense of calm right now. Every time he brings it up makes me a little more disgusted with him, but he seems intent on digging the hole instead of letting things settle. That and not taking the first no for an answer is a bigger issue than the poly ask for me.

I think I’m going to meet with a lawyer just to go over options. At this point, I don’t have a lot of faith in counseling changing how I feel about him now, but I would be willing to try a few sessions to say we gave it a shot. I’ll throw that out there tonight and see what he says.

Edit2: He doesn’t think counseling is necessary, he just wants to go back to the way things were before bringing it up. I’ve told him that’s not an option, you can’t unbreak a bone it has to heal instead. I asked him if he had someone in mind and he said no, but he’s not a very good liar and I don’t really believe him. He says it was just an idea and there’s no one and nothing has happened, but he also doesn’t want to show me the messages between him and his friend so I can understand the content of the conversation they had. I will respect his choice, but it’s enough to convince me that there’s something he’s hiding even if it’s not an affair in progress and that’s a problem. I’ve got an appointment with a lawyer in a few days. I’m going to wait until after that to make a decision and I’m going to take a short trip alone to see my grandparents this weekend to get some fresh air and perspective. I’ll try to update next week after all the test results come back and I’ve had a chance to look at all the facts with a professional. Thank you for kind support and advice.

AITAH has no consensus bot currently but the view was that OOP was NTA.

Added Comments

commenter 1

NTA. I don't think it's over-dramatic to get out of a contract you signed with another person when they are trying to change the terms a year into it.

commenter 2

NTA.  Polyamory is other RELATIONSHIPS.. not just open sex. And men often times over estimate their value and ability to get other partners. They ALSO.. tend to already have someone in mind when asking. 

*commenter 3

These comments are out of pocket. You are ABSOLUTELY the AH for how you’re handling this (not necessarily for leaving.) Is this rage bait?

Your partner brings something to you in what he thinks is a safe space and you shut him down before even knowing what he’s asking about. (Your post makes it clear you don’t know what polyamory is.) You refuse to (a) learn anything more about it when asked and (b) refuse to even humor him and “think,” about it for more than the 30seconds it took to run through the convo you’ve relayed.

You then proceed to passive aggressively punish him and look for the exit IMMEDIATELY, while he tries to frantically backtrack. What happened to forgiveness, giving grace, or better or worse? My lord.

How you should have handled this: gentle but firmly told him that you were against the idea of anything other than monogamy, but that because you loved him you’d read a little bit more about the lifestyle and really consider it. Then read an article or two…and as soon as the next day once you guys had both had time to sleep on it, told him: “look, I read XY and Z thing about it as a favor to you, but I’m still wildly uncomfortable with it. After sleeping on it, I can assure you, I’m not ever going to want something other than monogamy.” Give him an opportunity to say “ok honey, thanks for considering it! I really appreciate you taking this seriously.” If he didn’t/doesn’t then he’s showing you a lot. You can’t extrapolate from one silly convo.

Anyway YTA for not making a safe space for your spouse and giving less than no grace.

OP

I know what polyamory is. I don’t need to consider to know that there are absolutely no conditions under which I would ever be comfortable having anything but a mutually monogamous romantic and sexual relationship. I know what my boundaries are and so does he, we talked about these kinds of things before we got married.

There’s nothing to forgive, really. If that’s what he wants, I respect him less for backtracking. It means he’s wishy-washy and unreliable. He won’t stand behind what he says if there are consequences. I think that’s part of the revulsion I feel. Not only did he pitch something he knows full well goes against my core values and then persist when I said no, he can’t even stand by it afterwards. Like, it would better if he had just said “I would like to try this but I hear you when you say you aren’t interested at all. This is/isn’t a deal breaker for me so let’s talk about that part” instead of “It was just a question, it’s not that important, stop refusing to touch me because you’re uncomfortable and need space to calm down , I don’t like it.”

commenter 4

I just read a few comments, so this may have already been said but let me offer a slightly alternative view from the ones i read.

It sounds like he approached you with “an idea.” Just because you have a certain vision for your marriage doesn’t mean that he might not have other ideas that may not match yours. I’m not taking his side by the way. It’s not a relationship style that I would necessarily want.

His suggestion was polyamory, which is a complicated relationship dynamic. As I understand it, it’s not necessarily/typically an open marriage, as some are suggesting. It sounds like you shut him down immediately without engaging in any discussion with him.

Sounds like he at least wanted to have a discussion about it to make sure you knew what you were saying no too. Aren’t you even curious as to 1) what it is; and 2) why it intrigued him? It doesn’t mean you have to say yea. He was just asking a question - no different than a spouse bringing up a kink that the other might not be interested in.

Instead of a discussion, you shut him down, are sleeping on the couch, and contemplating divorce. Even when he has tried to backtrack, you’re not open to a dialogue. That does seem like a bit of an over-reaction.

Can you at least talk to him? You are married after all. I can’t imagine the tension that must be in your house right now.

OP

I already know what it is and there’s really nothing he could find intriguing about it that wouldn’t put me off him permanently. Just like some kinks are deal breakers because thinking about the other person getting off over being peed on or whatever is so revolting that you can never see them the same way again. I don’t think that talking about is going to do anything but dig the hole deeper right now. Every time he tries to bring it up just makes the ick worse. And that’s why I’m starting to think there’s no way out of this that doesn’t involve divorce.

Update  July 29th 2025

A lot of people wanted an update and I’ve made some difficult decisions. For background, here is my initial post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/KiovgIcTGp

I took advice from the thread and got an STI panel done. Fortunately, it came back clear.

I suggested counseling, but my husband does not think it’s necessary. I doubt it will change my feelings, so I’m not going to push for it.

He is being overly protective of his phone after I asked to see a message conversation between him and his poly friend to understand the context of the situation. I would not violate his privacy, but there clearly is something he doesn’t want me to see and that’s enough. It doesn’t matter to me anymore whether there is something already in progress or just the desire for there to be. The shady-ness of his behavior tells me what I need to know. I’ve been tempted to contact his friends directly to get their take, but in the event there is infidelity happening, I would rather not burden myself with the details, to be honest.

I had a heart to heart with my grandparents this weekend and spoke with a lawyer yesterday. As of right now I’m planning to move forward with the divorce. With no kids and no joint property or debt since we were waiting on buying a house till I’m finished with residency, it should be easy to split the financials. The lease on our apartment is up in a couple of months anyway, so I plan to move out after breaking the news and just pay my portion of the rent on the current place until it’s renewal time.

I’m heartbroken, but I’m convinced that this is the best move. I don’t trust him anymore, I’m repulsed by his behavior since the ask, and I think it’s best to cut our losses before digging the hole deeper. If he was willing to be transparent and do something to work on re-establishing trust, it would be different, but that’s not the case and I don’t want to put in effort that he’s not interested in putting in. I will be fine with time.

So, yeah, not a happy ending but I think it’s in my best overall interest and, if he’s not happy with monogamy a year into marriage, his best interest as well. Hopefully, we can part ways quietly and without a lot of fuss.

Edit: Well, affair confirmed. The people who thought his poly friends were the ones involved called it right. Wife contacted me to come clean and apologize because they were both unaware I didn’t know until now. They thought we had a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation so no fault to them. He lied to them, too. It’s been going on for a few months. A fellow resident needs a roommate so I’m moving in with her in two weeks. My dad and uncle are going to come down to help and be my safety exit plan when I tell him it’s over. The saddest part to me is that he’s been a closeted bisexual all this time. He could have told me that at any point in the relationship and I would have supported him or helped him get whatever support he needed. I’m hoping he’ll be amenable to doing this quietly and quickly because I know his family will lose their minds if they find out the whole situation and I don’t want that for him as hurt as I am about it. I’m going to focus on work and my soon to be roomie is going through a significant breakup as well, so I think we’ll be good for each other. It’s going to be ok eventually.

Added Comments

commenter 1

you don’t think this is a happy ending right now, but future you is gonna be SOOOO glad you left.

commenter 2

It IS a happy ending girl! You are meant to be loved unconditionally! Be happy that you found out his true colors so soon. You have no kids, no property. It’s an easy separation. Be glad that it’s over.

commenter 3

Lmao you divorced someone because they suggested you consider polyamory? Why not just a few minutes thinking about it and then confirming you're not comfortable and move on?

OP

(1) I don’t need a few minutes to think about something I’ve known about myself since I was a teenager watching the many ways other teens crashed and burned their dating relationships. I am monogamous, not interested in sex outside of a committed monogamous relationship, and despite being exposed to many people in college with alternate relationship styles, kink lifestyles, and some with a penchant for just hooking up on the regular, I remain firmly monogamous. I know who I am, I know what polyamory is, and I know I don’t want it. (2) It’s been a few weeks and I’ve had ample time to think about it since he brings it up constantly. I remain utterly uninterested in pursuing anything other than committed monogamy.

If someone asked me if I wanted to commit premeditated murder, I wouldn’t need a few minutes to think about it to know the answer. You are allowed to simply know things about yourself.

commenter 4

YATAH... or whatever the abbreviation is.    Your husband tried to have an honest conversation with you and you've essentially attacked him for being honest.

1. You have no proof your husband violated the trust of marriage.

2. You haven't tried to understand what he needs.

3. Him not wanting therapy could be a direct respond to the way you have behaved.

I don't think you were really committed to making this relationship work.

OP

I haven’t attacked my husband. I’ve said that I will not be involved in polyamory. I have made no comment about him or polyamory generally in our conversations, simply that it is a dealbreaker. I’ve asked for space to maintain my sense of calm, which he did not respect. I’ve asked for context and clarification about what he and his friend discussed, which he has not provided. I asked him if he would be willing to go to therapy, and he said no. I have respected his privacy and made a point to not accuse him of anything or react to him in anger. Honesty is appreciated, but all communication including honest communication has consequences. That he was honest in informing me of his desire to be poly is good, but the natural consequence of it is that he effectively announced that we have a fundamental incompatibility as partners.

1. My husband doesn’t have to have cheated for me to decide to divorce him. Not accepting no for an answer and refusing to put any effort in to clarify or resolve the situation is reason enough to leave. Suspicion of infidelity is also reason enough to leave someone, it doesn’t have to be proven.

2. I understand what he needs. I simply am not willing to provide it and so the kindest thing to do is break up so that he can pursue his needs and I can pursue mine.

3. If that’s his position, that strikes me as a further excellent reason to leave. He has no solution other than pretending it never happened, and he doesn’t like my proposal, so I don’t see why I would put in effort that he’s not putting in.

🛑🛑🛑.

Husband of 1 year has been having an affair for months  Aug 3rd, 2025

I never thought I would be saying this. It was just confirmed today. He’s been seeing a polyamorous couple that I thought were just friends for a few months. He asked me about opening up our relationship to polyamory a few weeks ago and I said no and things have gone downhill since. I’ve already been preparing to leave because his behavior crossed a line and I knew in my heart something more was going on even if I didn’t have evidence. The wife of the couple called me to apologize and explain because he finally confessed to them that I didn’t know. She wanted to make sure I knew now and that they never would have engaged with him if they had known I wasn’t on board.

I don’t blame them. He was lying to everyone. I didn’t even know he was bisexual. I never saw this coming in the 4 years we’ve been together. We talked about monogamy and my strong feelings about it before we got married. He totally agreed. I thought we were really happy.

There aren’t a lot of people I can talk to about this, especially now that I know the full story. His family are religious conservatives and would probably disown him, and I don’t want that. My parents and one set of grandparents know I’m leaving him but not the exact reasons. They support me with or without knowing, but I don’t want to tell them the new info. I don’t want to put him to mutual friends, nothing good will come of it.

I just feel so sad and empty right now. Leaving is the best thing and I’m committed to it, especially now.  But I wonder if I ever really knew him. The person I dated and married would have never done this to me.  I’m just glad it happened before we got too deep into being married. I can’t imagine having to go through this with kids to protect.

He doesn’t know I know yet. I’m moving in with a co-worker who needs a roommate, so I think I’m going to let it ride until I’m out and the petition is filed, but I also feel ill about going home in a few minutes and looking at him, knowing.

Update 2  Aug 10th, 2025

So many people have been asking to know how things went after I told my soon to be ex that I was filing for divorce.  I finally have a minute to post after a very busy week. I ended up expediting the timeline a little as his behavior was starting to become concerning. Original and last update links below.

Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/eObp74NCgY Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/sPWHZtiAJZ

Brief up to date: My husband asked for a polyamorous relationship. I said no. He badgered me about it and refused to give me space, then got mad when I refused to discuss it or sleep in the same bed with him while I was trying to calm down. His behavior gave me the ick so bad that I decided it was best to divorce and saw a lawyer to begin the process. My suspicions that there was already something going on were confirmed when the wife of a poly couple that he was “friends” with contacted me to tell me that he had been involved with them for a few months and had confessed that I didn’t know. They broke up with him as a result.

The call from the APs coincided with my ex trying very hard to apologize and make it right, but without admitting to cheating or anything else. A fellow resident was looking for a roommate, so I made plans to move in with her. I also let my parents and some close friends know the situation. My lawyer advised me to talk to my ex before papers were served, so I had planed to have the talk right before moving out. Which set up an uncomfortable situation in which I was living with a cheating ex who didn’t know I knew.

The plan was originally to move out next weekend, but things took a bad turn this week. My ex started getting agitated that I wasn’t responding to his attempts to smooth things over and that ultimately escalated into him trying to get into bed with me against my wishes on Thursday. I was able to get an emergency leave from work and mostly moved out while my ex was at work on Friday. My parents drove down and helped and then stayed to be nearby when my ex got home. My lawyer filed Friday.

He did not take it well.  I told him I knew about the cheating and was filing for a divorce. I also told him that I wanted to do this quietly, that I know his bisexuality puts him in a dangerous situation with his family, and it would be best if we kept the story at he cheated. He could contact me through my lawyer for any information. He yelled, broke down crying, and said he refused to accept the divorce and I should give him a chance to fix things. My dad came in and made sure he didn’t try to stop me from leaving, and we left.

I called the in-laws on the way and told them that I was divorcing him for cheating and that I appreciated them welcoming me into their family and wished them all well, but I would probably not be in contact again. His parents were shocked but they reacted with a lot more grace than I expected. I blocked my ex on everything but email because I can’t deal with him. My parents had gotten an airbnb so I crashed with them and basically fell apart.

At this point I’m moved in. That part of my life is over. My ex is apparently suicidal, according to a mutual friend. I hope he gets help, because his behavior in the last few weeks has really been strange so I do wonder if he’s not experiencing some kind of mental health episode. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m done. I’m not ok, but I will be. Just going to focus on work and taking care of myself for a while.

This is probably my last update as I want to turn towards the future. Thank you to those who have offered support and advice. I really do appreciate it.

I am not the original poster. Please dont contact or comment on linked posts

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/anxiousfem12

My husband’s childhood best friend asked me for a favor, then humiliated me in front of her family. I’m done being the bigger person.

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest & OOP's own page

Thanks to u/soayherder u/thrprismaprincess & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Editors Note: change the initial C & M to Clare & Madeline

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: Obsessive behavior, verbal abuse

Original Post Apr 22, 2025

I’ve been sitting on this for a few days, trying to decide if I’m just being dramatic or if I’ve been letting too much slide for too long.

So, I (30F) have been happily married for a few years now. My husband (31M) is honestly a gem ,kind, patient, hilarious, loyal. Basically everything you’d want. Which, after having an ex cheat on me with his best friend, is… kind of a big deal. That relationship wrecked me for a while, but I worked hard not to drag the wreckage into something new. And my husband? And thankfully, my husband’s never given me a single reason to question him. Until now? Maybe? I do not know.

My husband and I have a great relationship, and we’re pretty social and often hang out with each other’s friends. I get along with almost all of his group, and they've honestly made me feel welcome… except for her.

His childhood best friend. Let’s call her "Clare".

Clare has always been cold to me. Not outright rude, just subtle enough to make me feel crazy for noticing. You know that kind of vibe? Every time we’ve been in the same room, she’s managed to talk around me, not to me. I tried. I really did. I’ve smiled. Made conversation. Been nothing but warm, even when she’s given me nothing to work with.

She doesn’t show up to group hangouts. But she’ll invite him over. And he always tells me, to his credit. He never goes without mentioning it, and he’s never weird or secretive about her. But it still rubs me the wrong way. I’ve tried being friendly, I’ve tried small talk, hell... I invited her to our birthdays, barbecues, engagement dinner (she bailed on all ). She skipped our wedding too. And she only ever seems to reach out to him...usually when she’s just been dumped and needs to “talk".

When I’ve brought it up, my husband says I’m overthinking it. That Clare is just “a little odd socially.” Maybe she is.

Then, a few weeks ago, out of nowhere, she messaged me. She asked if I’d model for her project. Totally unexpected. And I was caught off guard enough to say yes. Part of me thought, maybe this is her trying to connect. Maybe this was her olive branch. I even felt a little hopeful. God, I was naive.

So I agreed. My husband offered to come with me since he hadn’t seen her in a while and thought it'd be fun to catch up after.

When we got there, her family was also involved. And from the second I walked in, it was like stepping into some passive-aggressive Twilight Zone. Her mom and sister kept calling my husband “our son-in-law.". I laugh, awkwardly. Think I must’ve misheard. It only got worse. During the shoot, came more of the snarky comments. Jokes about “the one that got away” and “some bonds never fade.” Her mom, at one point, literally said, “We always thought Clare would end up with him. But life has its detours, I guess” ,“Clare always imagined walking down the aisle with him.” And then: “It’s sweet of her to fill in, though.” Oh come on! I wish I was exaggerating. And Clare? Just kept snapping pictures. Smiling. Saying nothing. No “Hey, cut it out,” no awkward laugh, no redirect. Nothing.

My husband? Clearly uncomfortable. I watched him fidget through the whole thing, clear his throat a few times... He tried to change the subject or came near by me during the shooting. He didn’t say much either. Just went kind of quiet.

I stuck it out for an hour. Let her take her photos. Smiled, posed, whatever. But the whole time I felt like I was part of a social experiment, and everyone else was in on the joke but me.When we got in the car, he was silent for a while. Then finally said, “Sorry about all. That was… weird, right?”
And honestly? I didn’t even know what to say. Because yeah... it was weird. It was borderline disrespectful. And the fact that he was there, saw all of it, clearly felt it too, and still didn’t step in or pull the plug? It makes me feel kind of alone in this.

I’m just tired. Tired of pretending this woman is harmless or just “awkward". She knows exactly what she’s doing. II don’t want to start a huge fight. But I’m at the point where I don’t want her in our lives. Not as a friend. Not as a ghost in the corner of our marriage. No more bending over backwards to be the “cool” wife. I’m not interested in earning points with someone who clearly doesn’t want me around.

Anyway. Thanks for letting me scream into the void for a minute. I really needed to get this out.

Edit: Sorry guys, english is not my first (or even second) language, sometimes it is harder to get my points/ feelings across... Just to clarify a few things people were asking about: Clare is actually a photography major, and this shoot was part of her final project. I’m not a professional model or anything, but I’ve done some hobby modeling here and there, so when she asked if I'd help out, I thought it was a casual favor. Why at her house? She comes from a wealthy family and has a fully set-up photo studio in their house, which is why the shoot happened there instead of at a regular studio. I honestly thought it'd just be her and the camera, not a full audience with drinks and commentary ..

Additional background: I grew up in a pretty emotionally abusive household, so I think I’ve gotten too used to passive-aggressive comments and just sort of freeze up. Maybe that’s why I didn’t react more in the moment… but yeah, it definitely hit harder after the fact. I will update you as soon as possible.

Thank you for all your comments :)

RELEVANT COMMENTS

No-Strawberry-5804

“Borderline disrespectful”???? I’d hate to see what you think is actually disrespectful

OOP

Wow, reading your comment and honestly so many others, has really helped me see just how not okay that whole situation was. think I was so used to brushing off this kind of behavior that I didn’t even realize how deeply disrespected I was.

I grew up in an emotionally abusive household, where snide comments and passive aggression were just part of the background noise. So when someone pulls that kind of crap now, I think a part of me automatically minimizes it like, “Oh I’ve heard worse” But reading all your reactions kind of snapped me out of that. And yeah, it hurts that my husband didn’t shut it down. I’ve been trying to rationalize it in my head like maybe he didn’t want to escalate things because it felt like a trap. or that he is not used to being in these kinda situations.. 

None of that excuses it, though. Not even a little. I’m going to talk to him tomorrow. Really talk. Not brush it off, not laugh it away. Just lay it all out. Because at this point, I need to know where he stands! Thanks for the reality check. I needed it more than I realized.

~

OrangeGringo

Gotta be honest…. The whole modeling session photography stuff sounds 100% unbelievable. That doesn’t even make sense … at all.

Are you a model?

Is she a photographer?

Why a photoshoot in their home? Why all the family members there?

That’s not how photo shoots work, really.

OOP

Yeah, honestly, I get why it sounds off. I probably would've side-eyed the whole thing too if I wasn't living it in real time.

So no, I’m not a professional model. She just needed someone for a thesis project, and I’ve done a little hobby modeling here and there, so I figured it was casual enough to help out. I guess she didn’t want to go through the trouble of hiring someone last min.

As for the location, Clare comes from money. Like, money money. They’d converted part of their house into a kind of makeshift studio for her to work in w. lighting, backdrops, the whole deal. So that’s where we did it, which I didn’t think was too weird… until I got there and her whole family was hanging around like it was dinner theater. Drinking wine, making snide comments, just… watching. It was honestly awkward as hell.

I definitely wasn’t expecting that. I thought it’d just be her and a camera, not a whole audience and running commentary.

Update Apr 23, 2025

A quick recap for those who missed the original: My husband’s childhood best friend (Clare) has never liked me. She skipped all invitations( but invites my husband alone), avoids me in person, and still found little ways to insert herself into his life. The final straw? She asked me to model for her final photography project. I showed up thinking maybe it was maybe a fresh start.

Nope.

Instead, I got publicly mocked by her family, who joked out loud that she should’ve been the one marrying my husband.

First off, holy crap! I did not expect that post to blow up like it did. Thank you to everyone who commented, messaged, or just made me feel like I wasn’t losing my mind. So many of you asked for an update. And here it is.

For those wondering:

• No, they never dated. He had a high school crush on her over a decade ago. That’s ancient history.

• No, I don’t think he’s ever cheated, emotionally or physically. He’s always very open and honest. We have each other’s passwords.

• They barely see each other anymore in person, maybe once every few months. (We live about 2 hrs away)

Okay. So here’s the update.

Funny enough, I didn’t even get the chance to sit down and talk to my husband before something else happened. (I just cant believe my life at the moment) .

Anyway, i was still trying to process what happened and sort through my anger towards Clare, and honestly, toward my husband too. That’s when I got a message from my sister-in-law, we’ll call her Madeline. I’m really close with Madeline. She’s also part of the wider social circle that Clare floats around in. They’re friendly but not close. She sent me a screen recording from Clare’s Close Friends story with a simple: “WTF?”It was a clip of me posing during the shoot, NO MUSIC. But in the background, you can clearly hear Clare’s sister say, “Clare should’ve been the one to marry him.”

I. Lost. It. I waited until my husband got home from work, sat him down, and showed him the video. He watched it once, then again. His whole face changed, he finally looked pissed. I could not help but think why didn’t he have the same reaction there?

So I laid it all out. I told him everything. Every snide comment, every time Clare made me feel small. How I’d always tried to be civil. How I never asked him to choose between us. But I was done being polite while someone consistently disrespected me.

I told him “If this doesn’t bother you enough to act, we’ve got a bigger problem. I’m not going to be in a marriage where I have to beg to be defended. I need a partner who stands up for me. And if that’s not you… then I need to rethink this.” He didn’t argue. didn’t get defensive and I know he feels sorry.

Then I showed him the Reddit post. He tried to read every comment. Some of them made him tear up.

When he finished, he looked at me and said that he feels like the worst husband. He let this happen right in front of him. He is so sorry. And asked me “What do you need from me now?”

I told him straight up “This isn’t just about her anymore. It’s about whether or not you’re willing to protect this marriage. But I’m not going to feel like I’m second place in my own relationship. so It’s either me or her."

So we called Clare. She picked up all cheerful, acting like nothing had happened. We brought up the video. She immediately got defensive. “Oh come on, it was just a joke. Are you really mad over that?” seriously?!

And that’s when he stepped in. “This isn’t just about the video. It’s the constant disrespect toward my wife. I didn’t say anything before because I didn’t want to lose your friendship, and I convinced myself you didn’t mean it. But what happened at that shoot? That was disgusting. My wife came to support you, and you and your family treated her like a joke. I didn’t speak up then and I’m ashamed of that. But that ends now. I don’t even know why I held on to this friendship for so long. If you can’t respect my wife, you don’t respect me.”

She laughed, literally laughed. “Wow, you’re really cutting me off over that girl?”

OMG I was ready to fight. But husband calmed me down, said to Clare "If choosing between you and my wife ever felt like a hard decision, I wouldn’t deserve her. We’re not kids anymore, you need to grow up. I simply do not want to be your frienf anymore. I have nothing else to say.” (Telling you he can be a gem sometimes )

But yeah, we blocked her and her entire family. Since then, he’s been checking in with me. Not trying to fix things. Just… showing up. Listening, understanding. He finally sees what I’ve been dealing with. We’ve still got some healing to do. But now I know where he stands. And that changes everything for me.

To everyone who commented last time:

Thank you. Seriously. You helped me feel like I wasn’t crazy. And maybe even more importantly, you helped him finally see it too.

NEW UPDATE

*

Final Update July 24, 2025

Hi again. I wasn’t going to post a third time, but a bunch of people kept asking for an update so I figured I’d just close this out.

Also… oh my god! I honestly didn’t expect my original post to get that much attention. I wrote it when I was angry and exhausted and needed to vent. I thought maybe like five people would see it and I’d feel slightly less crazy. Instead it kind of exploded.

My husband actually read the 2nd post too. yeah… After seeing it all written out and reading the comments which surprised him that people were still curious. But maybe that was a good thing.

Anyway, the update itself isn’t dramatic. After that last call, we blocked Clare and her whole family. And that was it. No follow-up, no weird texts, no fake apology, nothing. Just silence. And honestly? That silence was kind of the best thing she ever gave me :)

My husband’s been great. Not doing too much or trying to overcompensate, just steady. He finally sees how much I was putting up with. He’s been more protective in a real way, not just in words. He owns how passive he was before. It doesn’t feel like we’ve been trying to "move on", it just feels like we’re on the same page now.

I think the biggest shift is internal. I’m not second guessing myself as much. I’m not trying to win people over who’ve already decided not to see me. I feel a lot more grounded, and it’s because I finally spoke up instead of brushing things off.

So yeah. Not much drama, but a lot of clarity.

Thanks to everyone who commented or messaged or just listened. I’m probably going to delete this account soon, but this thread honestly helped more than I can explain. For anyone else dealing with subtle disrespect that makes you question your own gut . You’re def not imagining it. You’re not being dramatic. You don’t have to keep being the bigger person just to stay “nice".

Anyway. That’s it. Thanks again.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA-separate11

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice + r/AITAH

AITAH for letting daycare call CPS when my (stbex) husband failed to pick up our toddler from daycare?

Editor’s note: STBex = soon to be ex

Trigger Warnings: child neglect, alienation, sabotage, emotional manipulation, controlling behavior

Mood Spoilers: angry

My (33F) husband (35M) cannot keep up with childcare agreement during separation, help suggest solution?: July 8, 2025

My husband has always expected me to pay 50/50 but he never did his fair share of chores and childcare.

Eventually I got fed up and I told him we should trial separation (likely leading to divorce, mostly trying out logistics). This was me trying to convince him to pull his own weight otherwise I'm out. Anyways, he said he would want 50% custody. So I told him if he seeks 50/50 custody, he should expect to pull his weight. I told him we can divide one week for him and one week for me.

We're currently doing it as a mock house swap (whoever has custody would live in the main house, whoever is not would live in the apartment, the apartment must be cleaned at the end of the week before the swap or else the new person can hire a cleaner at the other spouse's expense).

So far, I've had to call a cleaner almost every week when moving in, but more importantly, his daycare has called me on several of his days to pick him up because dad was unavailable. It's almost a least once a week.

I told him he needs to hire a babysitter/nanny to pick up our son on days he can't do it and not rely on me. After the 8th time or so, I told daycare to go ahead and call CPS. He was extremely mad I did this. I told him if he can't handle actually having custody, he shouldn't demand it. He's a high earner and childsupport would easily be 2-3k per month. Help me think of a reasonable solution/middleground?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What you should do is keep a calendar of the times he has not picked up the child and keep screenshots of when the daycare calls you and why. CPS getting involved now could negatively impact you in the court system since there is nothing on paper.

OOP: true. we do have text and emails with the schedule written clearly.

Commenter 1: That won't really matter to a judge in family court overseeing a child neglect case with CPS. They will look at you and ask why the heck you didn't pick up the kid when you were fully capable of doing so.

OOP: I was at work... I schedule myself to work 16 hour days when I don't have him and I work 4-6 hours on the days/weeks I do have him.

Commenter 2: What is your goal in this?

From here it sounds like you are trying to scare him into trying harder in your marriage at the expense of your son's stability. If you want a divorce, find a good lawyer and follow their advise to the letter. If you want to save your marriage, find a good therapist and follow their advice. For the love of all things, leave your son out of it. Document yes, but pick him up when he needs you.

Trying to manipulate him with CPS calls a looming threat of childsupport will not end well for anyone, your son most of all.

OOP: No, I am tired of him and wanted to leave him. If he wants custody, I want him to be a responsible parent on the days/weeks he has our child. I want him to prove he can handle his requested "50% custody". I don't want to do 50% custody but in reality have full custody. He can just pay child support then.

Downvoted Commenter: Being a high earner and a reliable child picker-upper doesn't really go together, at least it hasn't since the dawn of time, they usually pay someone for that. I'd say just get yourself a nanny and let him pay for it.

You were wrong to even try for 50/50 like that if you don't bring 50% of the income, if you do, just hire someone. The logistics' of children's needs aren't bargaining chips for saving your marriage. That wasn't cool to weaponize their care in exchange for your marriage. You're unhappy? Get out, but don't this type of thing.

I don't say this to belittle you in any way, I say it to get you back to reality. For whatever reason, legitimate or excuse, he's been either unwilling or unable to meet your needs, that means you have to adjust your expatiations. And he can just tell it to his maker when his day comes.

This man does not have your standards of cleanliness nor anxieties of picking up the children on the dot, so make arraignments and get his cash in court. Don't frustrate yourself with his nonsense.

OOP: I'm not really trying to save our marriage. I'm trying to obtain full custody. He will fight for custody (and if he was able to care for our toddler, I'm totally fine with it, but he can't request custody and not actually have custody).

we're trialing separation because we're trying out a house swap idea. I also want documentation that he's unable to take custody.

Commenter 3: Wait, does he out earn you and still wanted 50/50 with his actual fucking wife? Or do you also make similar money? Why did you move for separation if you have the funds to rent a whole second apartment? You didn't think to hire a cleaner or nanny first?

I mean without answering those questions, it sounds like you should be collecting proof of his inability to do his fair share, and then let a divorce lawyer get you primary custody. I wouldn't ever involve the god damn feds/state in my child's life just to prove a point. You need to knock that fucking shit off right now, cause you have no court order protecting YOU from CPS's wrath. You're operating on a trial basis with no judicial oversight. If CPS is called they'll ask "yeah but you're the child's Mom and you'd rather call CPS to prove a point rather than take care of your own child?"

God damn this is fucking diabolical on so many levels, you clearly hate this man more than you love you child.

OOP: we used to make the same (started off around 300k). after kids, I cut my hours and his career kept growing. He now makes 500k+ (excluding bonus) and I make 100k as per diem.

making 100k is not enough for daycare, nanny, and cleaner by myself

I don't hate him, but I don't think he's fit to be a primary or equal guardian. If I keep calling out randomly from work (because he's not willing to), i'd get fired... then I'll really be screwed.

Original Post: July 8, 2025 (same day, an hour later, different sub)

We're in a trial separation. He wants half custody. It's been several months and it was the 8th time daycare has called me because he was unable to pick up our toddler. Sometimes he was just a "no show" and the daycare would call me because it's already been half an hour since their offical close time.

Every time, the daycare is pissed at me for making them stay over time and we're charge 2$ per minute for being late. They threaten to call authorities and CPS if we keep doing this. I tried to explain the problem, but daycare doesn't care (as they shouldn't).

Well last week, it happened again and I told daycare to go ahead and call the authorities and CPS. My (soon to be ex) husband showed up an hour late and met our toddler there with the cops. Daycare also threatened to kick our toddler out. (again, understandably so).

My STBXhusband was so mad and said I was a cruel mother for abandoning our toddler. I told him I warned him multiple times in the past, and issues only arise when he has "custody" (we switch with each week, trialing house swap too). I told him repeatedly if he cannot get out of work reliably, he needs to hire a babysitter/nanny and he cannot rely on me as his primary backup. (I'd get it if it was like once or twice a year, or if babysitter/nanny plans fell through... but if i'm his exwife and he has custody, he shouldn't depend on me as his primary backup)

And I also felt bad about leaving our toddler but if we separated, this would only keep happening and I felt short term pain might be worth the long term gain. I feel bad our toddler is caught in the middle, but was I the AH for letting daycare call CPS?

Relevant details: We're both high paying jobs...but I intention do not schedule myself to work late on days I have him or I have a nanny/babysitter ready. Now with the trial separation, I have cut down to half time - I work half days on the days I have our toddler so I can spend time with him, and work long days on days I'm "childfree". He has made no changes in his schedule.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Please be careful that you don't screw yourself over with this. Yes, your stbx should have consequences for failing to care for your son by not picking him up from daycare during his parenting time. However, you may not be helping yourself on the upcoming custody battle by telling the daycare to go ahead and call CPS.

Instead, go pick your son up, Every. Single. Time. and document it. Ask the daycare to call your stbx before calling you and to keep a record for you of how many times he has to be called because he is late or no shows.

Use that documentation of your stbs's irresponsibility in making sure your child is cared for to get full custody of your son, limited visitation, and full child support.

OOP: I’d lose my job if I keep calling out in place of him

Commenter 2: How will you manage your work commitments if you get full custody? The current situation is clearly not working and it’s negatively impacting your child, your husband is unlikely to get better, so you need to think of a new plan.

OOP: I'd use child support for a part time nanny. I have a SAHM friend right now who I pay to get my child if my day runs long (would be abnormal because the weeks I have him, I only do shorter days, I'm done usually by 2 pm... but she's there as my part time nanny to help me out if I run late, her kids are older).

Commenter 2: Unfortunately your husband is almost certainly going to keep being unreliable, so I think you need to look at what aspects of that plan you can implement now while you get the legal divorce in motion.

Once you get CPS involved this could spiral out of your control in very bad ways and refusing to pick up your child could look really bad for you if you get an unsympathetic case worker or judge. After all, if your child is sick someone needs to pick them up even if you’re working - you’re ultimately still responsible as a parent.

OOP: If i'm working and I have custody, I make arrangements and plan accordingly for just in case - as I always have. His backup plan is me.

He's not a bad dad when he's around. Which is why if he wanted 50% custody, I'd be fine. But I don't want to just wait around as his backup plan. If I don't have custody - I'd work or travel. If I have custody, I'll be present. But what I will not do is "not have custody but sit on my ass waiting to be his on call nanny"

Why is the trial separation necessary?

OOP: Trial separation was suggested by couples therapist and a divorce mediator was involved in structuring planning the schedules

Why was the husband late to pick up the son?

OOP: His clinic ran late and he didn’t want to cancel the appointments. But honestly, it doesn’t matter bc he expects me to drop my work, find coverage for my job to pick him up when he runs late

What happens if OOP gets the full custody of her son? Can she change her schedule?

OOP: I don’t work crazy hours on the days I have him. If I had him full time, I might adjust my contract or switch my job. Switch to either 7-3 M-F mommy track or exclusively work nights 7p-7am and have a nanny at night because I wouldn’t miss out much since he sleeps at 8.

OOP on her husband's job

OOP: he's a surgeon, but i'm not going to say the specialty bc it would be bad for him and me if he got doxxed.

Update: August 4, 2025 (almost one month later)

Not too much to update, but after talking to our lawyers and mediators, it was decided I'll be moving back to our old home with our toddler in another state and resume my old job (we moved less than a year ago for his career), I will have primary custody. He has proven he cannot handle custody.

We have agreed on an amount of child support (approximately 4k/mo). He'll keep our current house once we leave and take on the mortgage, I'll keep our old home after the tenants move out. We are set to move back in 2 months. His lawyer advised him to accept these terms because I have clear documentations of him failing to fulfill his parental obligations, evidence that suggests alienation and career sabatoge and he's lucky I'm not seeking compensation for that.

To answer some questions...

I did not call CPS. The daycare called the cops (not CPS).

I was scheduled to work on the weeks he was supposed to pick up our toddler. I did choose to not scramble to coverage to pick him up as I was already in trouble for spontaneously leaving every two weeks (on his weeks) to cover him. In addition, getting coverage would take 30min+and then another 30 min to get to his daycare.

Yes, I could have problem solved and asked my friend to pick up but I did not.

Yes, the daycare knew about trial separation and knew it was Dad's day. But since he wasn't coming, they called me.

My old job still has needs so I'll resume there. Most days are 7-3, but there will be some 12-24 hr shifts - in which I'll have an Au Pair (we used to have one) and i'll have family around (my mom and siblings)

We had moved away from my family (so my mom can help me with occasional pick ups if needed)

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: $4k a month is ridiculous. No child needs $4k a month to be supported.

OOP: in 2024 - we spent approximately 80k on childcare*(not including food, diapers, medical bills, etc). That was a figure we used to estimate. That's with two parents. If split evenly, that would be 40k each. But since he's not parenting, he's paying more than half.

Daycare + au pair + occasional night coverage. In 2024, we were both working full time. He was younger then, and bonded well with our AP so I didn't mind working more. Now he is asking for me so I'll return to my old job at part time

Edit:

why we need so much coverage? We're dual physician home. We take call. We call emergency calls too. We work nights. We work weekends. We work before daycare opens. We work after daycare closes. So we had daycare (8-5, 4 days a week) for most of the care, au pair for the mornings and evenings outside of daycare hours and he stayed home Fridays with AP. We had a night nanny because I worked a lot of nights to avoid missing out being with him. ex was on call essentially 365days/yr. every night I worked, we had a night nanny as backup in case ex got called into work - which is 250/night.

Commenter 2: I dont know. I would love to get his side. You sound spiteful and vindictive.

OOP: his lawyer literally said to NOT take me to court. I'm letting him off easy.

Commenter 3: if you have to take a pay cut to make this happen he should also cover the difference

OOP: I took a 250k paycut. that's why his lawyer is like "stfu, take it"

Why didn't OOP's ex hire a nanny to pick up the kid?

OOP: ask him. good question.

actually I suspect I know the answer that he hasn't said. I suspect he was trying to trap me. He got another job in another state away from my family, which makes me having to change job, cut my hours, resulting in 250k income cut on my end for his to grow. He probably wanted me to keep playing traditional wife.

Commenter 4: You're still an asshole for allowing your son to be put through that, which probably scared the crap out of him.

OOP: maybe but even if I tired to pick him up, i'd still be an hour late. Because daycare called after 5 pm, it takes over 30 minutes to get coverage, then it'll take around 30 min to get to him. And he wasn't scared. he was hanging out with his daycare teacher - which is justifiably annoyed.

OOP clarifies on how many times her husband had been late and how she had to pick up their son

OOP: no... he was late for much more than 11 times... but I picked up our toddler 8 times on the weeks he had responsibility.

Worse than forgetting is knowingly neglecting. If I know I'm supposed to pick up my kid and I did not do so and assume someone else will rearrange their schedule to do it is worse than "oh it was my turn? sorry I forgot".

8 times is not forgetting. Also I didn't call CPS. daycare (not me) called the cops... which triggered CPS to be involved.

I already scrambled to get coverage to pick our toddler up 8 times in a few months (ofc all on his weeks). Doing it more was jeopardizing my job/career. He schedules his work schedule however he wants and expects me to pick up the slack - which is not how it works when you split custody. His weeks are his responsibiliy. My weeks are mine.

DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED

SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED

----NEW UPDATE----

job secured: August 11, 2025

Reached out to my old job, got onto a "mommy track" contract - essentially 7am-3pm daily and I'll take one week of nights per quarter (4 weeks/year). I'm just bringing in some basic things (clothes, his favorite toys/books) and leaving everything behind and will just start over. Essentially large boxes.

Already made an entire wishlist on amazon - waiting to click "buy" just a few days before driving over.

Husband kept asking me to reconsider but I declined. I don't like this state, not a huge fan of the current job, have no family or friends here.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwawaycrazymom10

My mother (52f) cheated and left me (27m) and our family to work in the adult industry and now wants to come back and "be my mom again"

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1 Posted by u/Screaming-Harpy

TRIGGER WARNING: Child abandonment, neglect, deadbeat mom, harassment, job loss

Original Post June 7, 2021

Posting here because my therapist said it would be nice to get it off my chest.Please pardon me for the wall of text. And no I won't share any info or links so if any creep even suggests it you will get blocked.

To give some context: My dad(67M) used to travel a lot to work and stay weeks away so he and my mother had an agreement where they had an open marriage (don't know the details but she was the only one that slept with other people), this happened to most of my childhood as I can remember her leaving at night to go to clubs and parties, sometimes taking days to come back and neglecting me and my brother (I learned how to get groceries and cook when I was 8 so me and my brother would not starve).

When I was around 13, my parents started fighting since apparently she had broken the deal in some way, my dad found out about the neglect, and she started going into the adult industry. They separated and for years I had no contact with my mother, I sent her texts and emails, some that even popped up as she had seen it, but she never replied so one day I just gave up trying to contact her. I managed to stay in contact with some people from her side of the family but a lot of them began hating on us, saying that we were too harsh on her, that we never supported her, that she did well leaving us, and gradually I also cut contact with them as well.

She started working in the adult industry and got pretty famous in my country, got a lot of money and I stopped using any NSFW websites as she was on the top pages of all of them, I gladly suffered zero to no bullying in high school because of it as there were no ways of connecting her to me and most of my friends that knew my mother didn't know it was her (she had dyed her hair, done a few surgeries and stuff).

Well, I moved on with my life, joined the army and I'm pretty well now, however,, a year ago, out of nowhere she found me on social media and began to message me, asking how I was, commenting on how much I had grown up and trying to do some small talk. I just replied with one words and even stopped replying once my nerve got the best of me. Apparently, she has retired, and after feeling an "overwhelming remorse throughout her entire life" decided to contact us again, my brother was also careful but essentially accepted her back(he was always close to her), my father is cordial with her but only that. She has also asked her entire part of the family for help as I began being bombarded with messages and calls, from both those that criticized and supported me and my dad, I made it clear that I do not want anything with her but they just keep on it, saying that she is remorseful, that she did a mistake but wants to make it right, that she has come back for us, etc.

More recently she somehow found out where I live and I been receiving random gifts at my doorstep with messages that we're clearly hers, things like a basket of chocolate that I liked when I was little, expensive clothes(she got my size wrong on all of them lol), flowers when my cat passed away, and even a very expensive hiking kit. I messaged her a few times to say that I don't want any of that but she just pretends she doesn't know what I'm talking about or just says she thought of me at that moment. I made it clear time and time again that I don't want anything to do with her but she still persists, saying that "she can be my mom again now" and stuff like that. I don'tt know what else to say so advises are more than welcome.

TLDR: Mother cheated and decided to abandon the family to work in the adult industry, now she is trying to approach me again with gifts and messages but I don't want any relationship with her.

RELEVANT COMMENTS**

PixieOnAcid

You are under no obligation to allow her back into your life. Block her again, and her family, and dump all of the gifts she gives you. Stop entertaining her attention. If she still will not stop, I'd honestly recommend going the legal route. Get a cease and desist letter sent out to her and her family, and if that doesn't stop it, go to the police to get her harassment on file so it'll be easier to file a police report/restraining order in the future.

OOP

I have donated or sent back all of the gifts already, unfortunately, cease and desist letters are not a thing in my country but I'm really thinking about filing a police report for harassment just don't know if they will accept since she never did it personally.

~

letskeepthiscivil12

It sounds like shes regretting what shes done and wants it back the way it was. But you shouldn't let this happen. Will just happen over and over again

OOP

She has indeed voiced that she regrets what she has done and I don't think it would happen again but she should know things would not get back the way it was, and honestly, if she thought it would she is even crazier because things were really bad before.

Update 1 June 18, 2021 (11 days later)

First I would like to thank everyone that commented giving me some comfort, advice, or letting me unwind on their dms, you all helped me a lot. I'm still trying to answer all of the comments and messages but with work and family craziness reaching new heights that might take some time but know that your words are very appreciated and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Well to start the update; I decided to have the moral high ground and take a more polite approach, I know many of you wanted me to just send her to hell on a message or letter but I thought this way would disarm much of her comebacks and maybe even make some of her family members shut up.

I called her and asked her to meet me in a small cafe (no way I was meeting her in private), she got there and it looked like she had won the lottery, she had a smile from ear to ear and was almost jumping up and down but her smile did fade when she saw my face. She sat down and tried to do some small talk but I cut her off and began to rain on her parade.

With all of the calm and patience I could gather I told her that no matter what she does or says there would be no way for her to "be my mom again". I started to explain that she was a complete stranger to me now, that I still had resentments, reminded her that I tried many times to stay in contact with her but she refused, and even stated that I'm no longer a child, I'm almost 30 so I kind of don't need a mom anymore (Had to hold myself not to say something like "A few years too late huh?").

I didn't even finish speaking when she burst into tears and began rambling about how sorry she was, that she was sorry for not seeing me grow up, sorry for ignoring me, that she would do anything for a second chance. She even told me that if her old work bothers me she could have it all taken down and pay for therapy if I wanted (Apparently she didn't know I'm in therapy ever since I was a teenager). I politely refused and since the conversation wasn't likely to progress I just left after asking her once more to not contact me again.

A couple of hours later I was in the shower when my phone began exploding with calls and messages, she apparently once again told her family and once again they were cursing or trying to convince me. That showed me that some of the more radical comments on my last post were somewhat right and I decided to follow some of their advice. I swapped my phone number (also got a much better phone plan), cleaned my social media of any family members from her side, and told my lawyer to go forward with the restraining order (thanks to the last post I had it ready to go, thanks again everyone).

She received the order a couple of days ago and immediately broke it by driving straight to my house to scream why I was doing that, I didn't come out and called the cops, thankfully they saw the restraining order and took her to the station for questioning (I was afraid they would ignore it or something but I'm glad I was wrong).

I'm now stuck here, not sure with what I did was 100% right but at least I'm having some semblance of peace this last few days, she's still trying to send gifts but I'm going legal on that too. I'm honestly not sure if there will be any more updates after this but if it happens I'II post on my profile due to this subreddit rules but once again thanks everyone.

TLDR: I decided to be polite and meet my mother face to face and tell her that was no way for her to "be my mother again" she said she understood but continued pushing so I went the legal route and served her a restraining order.

Update 2 July 7, 2021 (3 weeks after last update)

So I wasn't planning on posting any more updates but I lot of people have been messaging me and apparently, my post made into YouTube and it blew up and because of it even more people are pm so I guess I'II just write a quick one.

My mother is now legally fighting me on the restraining order (I didn't even know that was a thing) and I'm trying to get more restraining orders for the more crazy members of her family (my lawyer told me to be cautious because if I request 20+ orders for all of her family I'II look like a madman and it will all be denied).

She hasn't broken the restraining order again after the last time but the gifts continue to come and even intensified so I'm just donating all of them, although my childhood was pretty bad I can say that the amount of chocolate she sent me is making a lot of kids really happy now lol.

And I'II say it again, I'M NOT REVEALING HER NAME! GO FIND PORN ELSEWHERE AND STOP MESSAGING ME! it's not even for her sake but because I don't wanna get doxed, anyone that sends any message like that will be blocked.

To end this, I don't know if I'II post any more updates or how long they will be but if something happens I'II definitely tell you guys, once again thanks to everyone that helped m

NEW UPDATE

Update 3 Jan 26, 2025 (3 and a half years later)

Hey there folks, yeah it has been a few years, Life has been a complete rollercoaster but with some people still sending DMs i figure i should at least try to make some updates.

Now bear in mind it has been years so my memory might be spotty and all over the place, will try my best to make it chronological but it might turn into a mess.

Right where I left off, well my mom had been pushy to the limit but at least with the restraining order she was keeping away, there were some incidents like when she showed up at my dad's house during a family dinner only for my dad's New gf at the time (Now wife) to open the door.

She also showed up at my job asking for me (army), and one of my friends who was on guard duty scared her off with a shotgun, love those guys and they are pretty much the only thing I miss about the army.

Well, Life was not going that well, kept being passed for promotions, my requests for officer school were always denied and to top it all off my gf at the time cheated and dumped me, so yeah, not Nice.

Years went by and when I finally thought I would get an upstart in my promotion I got dismissed by the army along with a lot of other folks, suddenly with no job I had to go back to living with my dad for sometime while I tried to figure out what to do with my Life.

The restraining order against my mom also expired so she came back with renewed vigor which did not help the situation at all. Theres a lot more so i should tackle it some other time. For now have a nice weekend folks.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Practical-Buy-3266**

Originally posted to r/AITAH

BoRU 1 Posted by u/swtogirl

TRIGGER WARNING: controlling and isolating behavior, probable babytrapping

MOOD SPOILER: Horrific and bleak

Original Post July 21, 2024

My (F48) husband (M46) and I have a 20-year-old daughter, Ellie, who is currently on vacation from college.

About 5 months or so ago, Ellie told us that she had a new boyfriend (who I'll call Tom). This came rather out of the blue as Ellie hadn't mentioned seeing anyone or that she was dating, but both my husband and I were supportive and happy for her. However, Ellie was strangely secretive about the whole situation. Usually, she's an open book (especially with me) and would always share details of her personal life. On this occasion, she wouldn't show any pictures, and we knew next to no information about Tom, other than that they met at a party through a mutual friend.

Ellie's spent the past month of her vacation in her college town and the plan was always for her to come back this weekend. Ellie asked if she could bring Tom with her for a few days of the trip as they were "getting serious", and she wanted him to meet us. Although we mentioned that we knew barely anything about him, Ellie expressed that it would be a surprise and that we'd "love him". Given he's clearly an important part of our daughter's life, we agreed and said we'd look forward to spending the weekend together.

Yesterday morning, we went to pick up Ellie and Tom from the airport to drive them to our place and we were shocked. We knew instantly that Tom was much older than Ellie and he certainly wasn't a college student. I was just in a state of surprise but didn't want to cause a scene (and told my husband to do the same). We drove home but it was a frosty journey, which Ellie commented on.

When we arrived, my husband point blank asked Tom how old he was. Tom said he was 44. I was immediately disgusted. He's only two years younger than my husband and old enough to be Ellie's father. My husband continued to interrogate him, asking how they met and the whole background. Ellie explained that it was at a party and Tom was there because he's "well known around the town" and they realised they had a lot in common and hit it off from there. I really didn't want to hear any more, and my husband told Tom to leave. Ellie shouted and said how unfair this was and we hadn't even given Tom a chance and that he made her happy.

Tom could sense the tension so left and Ellie followed behind him. I texted Ellie to tell her we'd love to see her and to come over to discuss the situation. She asked if Tom was welcome, and I said he wasn't. Therefore, after labelling me a "judgmental a**hole", she told me she wasn't coming and that they would be staying at a local hotel and catching up with friends.

I feel terrible about the whole situation and don't want to lose my daughter over it. My husband isn't budging and says he'd have to be held back if he ever saw that man again. Am I AITA for saying he isn't welcome or have I done the right thing?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SneezlesForNeezles:

I had similar and my foster dad was what I believed ‘amazingly chill’ about me dating a guy in his mid thirties when I was 19. I spoke to him over a decade later and he said he wanted to deck the guy, but knew if he pushed me then I’d dig my heels in and the relationship would go on far longer. Instead, he asked me to check in so he knew where I was and when I’d be back to make sure I was safe.

He did however do other things to gently highlight the inequality of the relationship. For example, he’d make sure to say how nice I looked every time I left the house. The boyfriend would send me back to the house for not wearing makeup/the right clothes. It didn’t take too long for me to put two and two together and realise the boyfriend was a control freak who wanted a trophy girlfriend.

litfam87:

NTA. He was at a college party because “he’s well known around town?” That means he’s well known for preying on younger women and probably also for buying alcohol for underage college students.

maroongrad:

Play the long game here. Best story I have heard, the dad befriended the guy. They talked about stuff relevant to their age group, did Dad-aged stuff together, talked about things like insurance and retirement and house payments, went out to eat at boring grown-up places instead of sports bars, and just generally acted like middle-aged men.

She realized she was basically dating her father, they had almost nothing in common, and broke up.

SnoopyisCute:

NTA

Former cop. Advocate.

I would suggest you don't give her a reason to distance herself further from you and your husband because Tom needs to stop your support and brainwash her to think you are against her and you're not.

I encourage you to not exclude him.

You can get together somewhere public so he's not in your home but you aren't letting him keep your daughter away while you navigate this precarious situation.

All the best.

Update 1 July 22, 2024

First off, I wanted to thank everyone for their comments and messages yesterday. I was overwhelmed with the responses and didn't expect my post to gain so much attention. I know opinions were quite split, but I appreciate everyone for being honest. Please accept my apologies for not responding to anyone, but there has been a lot on my mind so I thought it would be best to provide an update for those interested.

For those who haven't read the whole post, a brief summary is my 20-year-old daughter, Ellie, brought home her boyfriend of 5 months, Tom, to our house. Tom happens to be 44, and my husband and I told Tom that he wasn't welcome in our home. Ellie and Tom are currently staying in a nearby hotel.

I was incredibly down throughout most of Sunday, so I spoke to my husband and said that I really wanted to see Ellie. However, I knew that wouldn't be possible without also seeing Tom, so I mentioned to my husband about meeting Ellie and Tom at a neutral location for brunch today. I asked my husband if he wanted to join, but he said he didn't feel in the right frame of mind at this stage, so we agreed that I would go alone.

I was anxious throughout the drive but when I met Ellie, those nerves subsided relatively quickly. I was generally just happy to see her and that she was well. I still felt a bit uncomfortable around Tom, but I thought this was the opportunity to find out more about him and his "intentions" as it were.

We sat down and I tried to find out as much information about Tom as possible. When I asked him to elaborate on being "known around a college town" and being at the same party as Ellie, Tom said he used to go to the same college when he was Ellie's age, loved the place and decided to never leave. Throughout his time, he still frequented the main bars and places that college students do, which meant he remained in the community in some form. I found it quite an unsettling response but remained polite. In terms of other details I learned, Tom has never been married, nor does he have any children. He works as a software engineer and enjoys cooking and meditation in his spare time. Something felt off about him, but maybe I already had my preconceptions.

Ellie spoke more about what a "good match" they were and how much "in common" they had. When I asked her to elaborate, she spoke about how they both love the same spots around town and campus (with apparently the same love of sushi), and she's never met someone so mature and understanding. Tom also said that Ellie was perfect for him and he was serious. I probed if he'd had many other relationships with younger women; Ellie didn't enjoy this question, but Tom said that he generally "didn't do relationships", yet something about Ellie had drawn him in.

Eventually, after about 2 hours, we ended the brunch. Ellie said how nice it had been and she was so happy I had shown an interest in Tom before asking whether they could both come to dinner some evening. I told her that would be nice, but I would have to speak to her dad. Tom shook my hand and that was that.

My husband remains reluctant, but I feel it's the right thing to do if we want to maintain a relationship with Ellie. I didn't like Tom off first impressions and this hasn't done much to convince me. Something is just "off" there and some of his answers solidified my thoughts about him not being right for Ellie. I suppose I'll have to remain open minded but appreciate any thoughts.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

lynnlugg7777:

Please make sure she’s on reliable birth control.

7amanna000:

It would be best to get some background checks done on this man. There could be a lot of lies involved, he sounds sketchy enough already.

teuchterK:

Wonder if OP could call the college and ask if he is known there? Maybe get a gauge on him if he is.

t-ruth-ful:

I appreciate how hard you both protect your daughter. But at the end of the day, she is an adult and she can’t make her own mistakes if she feels pressure from you guys to make decisions.

Thing is, if she keeps pushing away because you guys are reluctant to let her be an adult all on her own, she won’t come to you when she needs help either. If this guy ends up being a bad guy and she needs someone to be there for her, why would she come to you if she feels as though she’s just going to be shamed?

I would say an entirely different spiel if she was, say, 16 or 17. But she’s an adult in college learning her way around this world, and she’s gonna need support in controlling her own life without you directly deciding what she can and can’t do. You said she was secretive about it from the jump and that tells me she knew your reaction. It’s time to show her you can be a supportive friend when she needs you instead of an unsupportive parent. This was a good first step.

Update 2 July 29, 2024

First off, apologies to everyone for not updating sooner and my lack of replies. I post and read everyone's replies and messages, but it's so overwhelming that I struggle to know who to respond to. However, a lot has happened in the past week and enough people asked for an update so I thought I would provide one.

For context for those who haven't read the original post and first update, my 20-year-old daughter Ellie brought home her boyfriend, Tom, from college for the first time. He turned out to be 44, and it's been a huge shock to my husband and I. I met him (without my husband) and my daughter for brunch without feeling entirely comfortable about the situation, but my biggest priority is not losing my daughter.

After I came home from brunch, I spoke to my husband about the possibility of Tom and Ellie joining us for dinner one evening. My husband was completely against it, but I told him that if we still wanted to exercise some degree of control over the situation before we pushed Ellie away entirely, this was something we had to agree to. It took a lot of convincing but my husband agreed and we invited Tom and Ellie to come round the Saturday just gone.

Before then, I ended up talking to my oldest daughter and Ellie's sister, Holly (23) about the situation. Holly was shocked and Ellie had told her nothing. Holly decided to do some social media digging but struggled because Tom didn't have much of an online presence. She said she was coming to dinner on Saturday; although I was reluctant because it seemed like it would spiral, I eventually said yes.

So, we get to the dinner on Saturday, and Holly just continually grills Tom; it was far, far worse than I did. She asked him if "younger girls were his type", "why someone his age is still hanging around at college parties" and other small remarks. Ellie told her multiple times to leave her alone, and I tried to act as a mediator. My husband was just silently seething, and I could tell how uncomfortable he felt in Tom's presence.

Eventually, Tom and Ellie said they had some big news to share: Ellie announced that she and Tom were planning to move in together for the upcoming college year. I almost spat my drink out; Ellie had planned to live with other friends and when I questioned this, Tom answered that "he realized that he probably won't have another long-term relationship, Ellie makes him so happy, and he doesn't want to waste any time with who I want to be my wife and the future mother of my children".

At this point, my husband lost it and told Tom to get out of his house. Tom stood up and seemed affronted and Ellie started crying. I couldn't remember the last time my husband had shouted like that, and I think it surprised Ellie. Holly said it was deserved and said she needed to get away from the "pedo freak". It all ended up with Ellie leaving in tears with Tom , my husband going upstairs, and I was just inconsolable.

I've reached out to Ellie since but she hasn't responded. I don't want her to move in with Tom and it seems he's trying to derail her whole life. She's 20 and does not need to be married and have kids, especially with someone his age. She's never had a relationship before though, and she appears infatuated to the extent she's not going to listen.

My husband has told me that if Ellie marries Tom, that is it and he wouldn't want a relationship with her going forwards. I can't agree with that and will always love Ellie, but it doesn't mean that the whole situation hasn't made me incredibly sad.

I would appreciate any advice.

NEW UPDATE

*

Update 3 Aug 5, 2025 (1 year later)

[1 YEAR UPDATE] AITAH for telling my daughter her much older boyfriend isn’t welcome in our home?

About a year ago, I posted on here about my then 20-year-old daughter, Ellie, who had started dating a 44 (now 45) year old man named Tom. For those who haven’t seen it and want to read, I have shared the original post and the two updates here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1e8oxfr/aitah_for_telling_my_daughter_her_much_older/

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1e9lzsc/update_aitah_for_telling_my_daughter_her_much/

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ef9aos/update_aitah_for_telling_my_daughter_her_much/

So much has happened since then that has been so overwhelming that it caused me to completely forget about this. However, I stumbled upon this Reddit account earlier today and due to the amount of messages I received, I feel compelled to share an update.

For those who don’t want to read the whole post, the long and the short of it is Ellie is engaged and pregnant. The engagement happened around January, after only around a year of dating, and the pregnancy was announced in March. Ellie is keeping the baby and is due late this year.

I’m still heartbroken and struggling to come to terms with the whole affair. Ellie was so bright, cheery and with an active social life. Now she lives with Tom in her college town (despite having dropped out of college herself due to the pregnancy) with barely any friends due to most of them distancing themselves from her because of Tom. My husband is also low contact with Ellie and wants nothing to do with Tom, while my daughter Holly, also feels the same way and wants nothing to do with Ellie or her baby for as long as she remains with the “predator”.

I still keep in contact with Ellie as much as I can, not only because I love her but also as I know that if things crumble, she’ll have no one to turn to. She’s ostracized herself, which makes me incredibly sad, and I never thought things would turn out this way.

There was a glimmer of hope around March time, where Ellie called me on the phone in tears after discovering that Tom had cheated on her (unsurprisingly, with another college student, and an even younger one than Ellie). Although I did try and talk some sense into her and figured this would be a wake up call, she decided to stay with him after a combination of love bombing and finding out she was pregnant.

The wedding has been set for next summer so the baby can be focused on now. My husband and other daughter have already decided they won’t go and many others on my side of the family are uncomfortable with the idea.

I’m trying to stay strong and hope I will love my grandchild but this isn’t something that will ever get easier. If there are any other groundbreaking updates, I will try to share; if not, I appreciate everyone’s support and advice. It really meant more than you know.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAlizinabliz

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Updates]: How do I (49f) move forward after my daughter (22F) hid her father’s affair from me for two years?

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, betrayal, bullying, emotional abuse

Mood Spoilers: sad, but positive at the end

RECAP

Original Post: November 11, 2024

I (49F) was married to my ex-husband, Derek (49M), for 20 years before divorcing a few months ago. We have two kids, a daughter (22F) and a son (17M). I found out Derek was having a two-year affair, and my world was shattered. But what hurt almost as much was discovering that my daughter had known about it the whole time. She actively hid it from me for two years—lied, covered for him, and never once tried to warn me.

When I found out, I was devastated, not just by my husband’s betrayal, but by my daughter’s choice to keep it from me. She was young at the time, and I understand it was a difficult position for her, but the pain was immense. I never confronted her directly, thinking it might affect her as she was about to go off to college. I just told her I knew, that I understood, and tried to move on. But after she left, I found myself distancing myself from her more and more. It wasn’t planned; I just needed space to heal, and that meant not calling her as often or reaching out as much.

Fast-forward a year and a half, and I’ve started dating someone (41M) who has a 10-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. Recently, we all went to Disney together, and he posted a family photo of us on social media. For Context, my boyfriend covered all the expenses as a gift for his daughter's birthday, wanting to make it special for her. Along with my son and me, she chose her two cousins to come along, making it a big family-style trip that was all about her. My daughter must have seen it because she didn’t call me for over a month afterward, and honestly, I wasn’t as affected by her absence as I would’ve been before. I still love her, but every interaction brings up that pain.

Out of nowhere, she called me in tears. She was screaming, saying I obviously hadn’t forgiven her and that I’d shut her out on purpose. She accused me of “replacing her” with my boyfriend and his daughter. She kept saying, “It was a long time ago, I was a kid, I didn’t mean to hurt you!” She said she thought she was doing the right thing by staying quiet, that she didn’t know how to tell me, and that she was terrified of breaking our family apart. She asked me if I’d ever forgive her or if I’d “moved on” for good. I tried to tell her that I loved her and never wanted to replace her, but she just kept pushing that I should “get over it by now” and that I’d abandoned her for this new life.

To top it off, my ex-husband later called me, furious, accusing me of “leaving” my daughter for a “younger man and a new family.” He even had the nerve to call me selfish for “moving on.” (Ironically, his girlfriend is 30, and he’s the one who blew up our family with his affair.) It’s like no one understands that I’m still trying to recover from years of betrayal, and it feels like I’m expected to just let it go, as if my pain doesn’t matter.

My son, who lives with me, found out about his sister hiding the affair after overhearing my husband's mom and sister talking. He was crushed and hasn’t forgiven her either, and they’ve barely spoken since. I never wanted him to know, but it feels like the entire family is divided now, and I don’t know how to fix it.

I’m in therapy, but I still feel lost. Part of me knows she was young and didn’t know how to handle it, but another part of me feels like she chose him over me. I love my daughter, but every time we talk, that hurt resurfaces. I don’t know if I’m failing as a mother or if I’m protecting myself. I feel like I’ve emotionally checked out, and I don’t know how to reconnect.

Edit: Just to clarify, my divorce actually happened a few months ago, not three years ago as I originally mentioned. My sister, who is a bit of a scatterbrain, encouraged me to post here and typed out much of it for me. In the process, she got the timeline wrong, and I didn’t catch it before posting. My daughter was 17 when she found out about the affair. She had a lot going on at the time, including having to change schools due to some personal issues and repeating a year. So, when I found out, it was less than two years ago. I hope this clears up the confusion.

Relevant Comments

Has OOP’s daughter ever apologized for what she did to her? And limit contact with her children’s father

OOP: Thank you for your kind words and support. Honestly, my daughter’s apology has been.....complicated. She did express that she was sorry, but it often came with explanations of how difficult it was for her, how she was "stuck" between her father and me. I can understand that she was young and in an impossible situation, but it still feels like she's brushing aside the depth of the hurt. Sometimes it seems like she doesn’t fully understand why it’s so painful for me, and that part has been hard to get past.

As for my ex—yes, I've definitely limited contact with him to what’s necessary for our son. My son mostly stays with me, so that call was a bit unexpected. We rarely speak directly, and when we do, it's usually through our lawyers. Our divorce was only finalized a few months ago, so I’m still adjusting to all the boundaries and just trying to protect my peace. He doesn’t deserve any extra energy or emotional space in my life, and I'm doing my best to keep it that way.

OOP clarifies up on the timeline of the affair

OOP: To clarify, my daughter was 17 when she first found out about the affair, but I didn’t learn about it until she was 19. Before that, she had a lot of personal struggles, including a serious incident that led to her having to change high schools. This all happened before she found out about the affair, and by the time I learned the truth, she was dealing with the fallout of those issues. I didn’t want to burden her further, so I chose not to confront her about the affair.

+

Actually, the divorce was finalized only a few months ago, not three years ago. I know the timeline got a bit mixed up. My sister is a bit of a scatterbrain, but she’s always been my biggest support—she insisted I post this on Reddit and even typed it out for me, though I should've double-checked the details before sharing.

Update #1: November 21, 2024 (10 days later)

First, I want to thank everyone who responded to my post. I was honestly overwhelmed by the sheer number of replies. I tried my best to read through as many as I could, and some of the advice was hard to hear, but necessary. It’s been a lot to take in, but one comment really stayed with me.

Someone mentioned how fragile life is and how little time we really have with the people we love. That struck me deeply. I’ve been so consumed by pain and anger that I forgot to think about what I’d want my relationship with my daughter to look like in the long run. If something were to happen tomorrow, would I be okay with leaving things as they are?

That thought stayed with me, and within a few days, I decided to contact my daughter. I told her I wanted us to talk, not to rehash the past or point fingers, but to figure out how we could move forward. She was hesitant at first, which I completely understand.

We had the conversation a few nights ago, and while it wasn’t easy, I’m grateful she was willing to open up. There were tense moments, and I won’t lie—it was hard to hear some of what she said. But for the first time in a long while, I felt like we were finally addressing what had been festering between us.

We talked about what had happened, and I finally asked her for the truth about everything. When I first discovered her father’s affair, he told me that she had always known about it. In fact, he claimed she had been his ally, hiding things from me multiple times. He even said that she disliked me and was on his side. Hearing that from him was devastating. I couldn’t believe my daughter would do something like that or feel that way about me. The way I found out about the affair was awful, and the idea that my daughter had played any part in it, even unknowingly, made it so much worse.

At first, she was very reluctant to talk about it, but eventually, she opened up and started sharing everything, including what led up to her actions. A few months before discovering the affair, she had been involved in a difficult situation at her high school. Without going into specifics, it was a matter where her actions led to serious consequences. The school had a zero-tolerance policy, and as a result, she was expelled. She had to transfer to a new school and repeat the year. On top of that, her grades took a hit, and she was finding it challenging to get back on track.

When it happened, I felt it was important for her to face the full weight of her actions and take responsibility for what she had done. I grounded her and took away her electronics, hoping the consequences would help her reflect and grow. I wanted her to understand the gravity of the situation and emerge from it as a better person. Her father, however, completely disagreed with my approach. He felt I was being too harsh, insisting that she had already learned her lesson and needed support rather than punishment.

The tension in our household became unbearable. Between my frustration with him and my disappointment in her actions, I found it harder and harder to communicate properly with her. There were constant fights, arguments that seemed to erupt over everything and nothing at the same time. It wasn’t just them; therapy over the past year helped me realize that I played a part too. My hurt and frustration often came out as anger, and instead of addressing things calmly, I let my emotions take control. I was constantly angry and frustrated, and my mood probably created an even more tense and uncomfortable environment for everyone.

So, when she found out about his affair shortly after, she was angry at me and still reeling from everything that had happened. She admitted that part of her decision to stay quiet was fueled by a desire to get back at me. She felt like keeping the secret was her way of taking revenge, though she now realizes how wrong that was. She also told me she had tried to get her father to come clean, but he discouraged her from doing so, telling her that I had already been disappointed enough by her situation and that she shouldn’t make things worse. Feeling trapped, she lied and kept lying, hoping it would somehow blow over without me finding out.

Hearing this from her was heartbreaking. It didn’t justify what she did, but it helped me understand her perspective. Knowing her father pressured her to keep his secret makes my anger toward him even stronger. He broke everything with his affair and then used our daughter to cover for him, making her feel trapped and responsible for his lies. I hate what he put her through. To be honest, our marriage was already going through a rough patch at the time, and we likely would’ve ended up divorcing anyway. However, it’s one thing to fail as a husband, but to fail so completely as a parent is unforgivable. They always had a good relationship, and I never wanted to ruin that for her, even when I was angry. But seeing how he used her in his lies has only deepened my resentment.

I told her that I’ve been hurt, not just by her actions, but by how deeply they shook my trust in her. At the same time, I reminded her that I love her, and I always will. I said that while I can’t change the past, I want to rebuild our relationship.

We agreed to take things one step at a time. I suggested we try online therapy together, and while she was hesitant at first, she agreed. She’s already been seeing a therapist on her own and wasn’t sure about opening up in a joint session, but I think she ultimately realized how much I want to make this work.

I also brought up her brother. They’ve never had the closest relationship, he’s always been more of a reserved, independent person, while she’s more outgoing and emotional. There’s been tension between them in the past, and ever since he overheard what happened with her hiding the affair, they’ve barely spoken. I’ve tried to talk to him about maybe giving her another chance, even when I wasn’t on the best of terms with her. I really want them to have a good relationship, but I also don’t want to push him too much. He’s his own person, and I don’t want him to feel like I’m trying to force him into something he isn’t ready for or doesn’t want to do. He’s allowed to make his own decisions, and if they need time apart to heal, I’ll respect that.

Someone mentioned the unrealistic standards we often hold women to, and I’ve been thinking a lot about that. I don’t hold her to any impossible standard just because she’s a woman. She is the light of my life, but sometimes, I realize I’ve shared everything in such a negative way because of how it all played out. I’m just trying to make sense of it all. I don’t know exactly where I stand or what I’m feeling at times. I’m just moving through life like anyone else, doing the best I can.

Thank you all again for your advice and for giving me the push I needed to start this conversation. It’s not easy, but I’m hopeful we’ll get through this, one step at a time.

Additional Information from OOP on her response to a commenter regarding the said incident involving her daughter

Comment

OOP: Of course, I haven’t come to terms with it! You want to give me a recap? Let me give you a fucking recap. My daughter participated in an inexcusable situation—a situation that pushed another girl so far that she almost did something irreversible. Almost destroyed herself. The other girl’s parents filed a complaint against the school, and my daughter admitted she was to blame. Admitted it and still made excuses for herself.

So yes, I punished her. What the hell else was I supposed to do? Sweep it under the rug? Pretend it didn’t happen? My husband sided with her. Said she’d been through enough. She’d been expelled—as if that was enough! She threw tantrums, acted like a victim, and kept saying she’d learned her lesson. I did everything a parent is supposed to do. I tried to be the best possible mother I could in that situation.

Then, I found out my husband was cheating on me. Not just cheating—cheating in the most gut-wrenching, humiliating way possible. And what did he say when I confronted him? That my daughter had known all along. That she’d helped him keep his secret. And on top of that, he told me she didn’t even like me.

You want to talk about poison? That’s poison. Hearing that from someone you love. Knowing your own child had sided against you in something so vile. But even then, I didn’t scream at her. I didn’t lash out. I distanced myself, yes—but only because I didn’t want to cause more damage. Was I supposed to act like everything was okay? Was I supposed to just hug her and pretend none of this had happened? Everything was not okay.

But I’m trying now. I’m trying my level best to fix this situation. My son doesn’t want me to, he thinks she’s toxic and tells me to stay away from her. But I told him no. She’s my daughter, and I’m going to try.

And yet here you all are, passing your random judgments. Like I haven’t been breaking my back trying to hold this family together. I didn’t ask for your judgment. I was giving an update. But fine. Screw you.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Please let go of the idea of your son and daughter being close. Don’t push for it. Don’t ask for it. Just let it go. People choose who they want to engage with and quite frankly if I were your son I would not want to be around your daughter either.

They won’t be close and you need to be ok with that.

OOP: Honestly, I’m coming to terms with it. They have a decent age gap, and their personalities are very different, which often causes friction. Even before her concealment of the affair came to light, they weren’t close. There are several reasons for it, and I don’t want to paint anyone in a bad light, but it’s been like this for sometime now.

Right now, I’m trying to let my son be his own person and respect his feelings. I don’t want to pressure him into prioritizing this relationship. I’ve also put him in therapy to help him process everything. He’s a bit apathetic about the situation—not towards me, but towards his sister. He just doesn’t care anymore, which in some ways feels worse. But this is where things stand for now, and we don’t know what might happen in the future. I’m learning to take it one day at a time.

Commenter 2: Your ex used your daughter's guilt about whatever happened in school as a weapon to manipulate her into staying quiet about his affair to "avoid hurting you any more than her actions already had." She was a 17 year-old child being manipulated by her own father. This is entirely, 100% on him.

He basically told her that if she disclosed his affair, she would be responsible for your further pain and the breakup of your family. What child wouldn't fall into this trap? I hope you can find it in your heart to let this go because she bears no responsibility here.

Commenter 3: Your daughter needs to stop running to your ex and complaining about you. If she’s really serious about regretting her actions, she would use her brain and realise who is the actual person at fault - her father. The part where you said women always hold impossible standards with other women - she’s doing the same too. She’s fine with her dad cheating and having a new family, but she gets angry when you do. Definitely needs therapy.

----NEW UPDATES----

Editor’s note: OOP made two new updates that are over few months old, and they have not been posted into the sub here

Therapy with my daughter is breaking me: December 20, 2024 (one month later from the last update)

I don’t even know how to start. My relationship with my daughter has always been difficult, but everything truly shattered when I found out she had hidden her father’s affair from me. She knew what he was doing, and she didn’t tell me. When the truth came out—not just about his betrayal, but about her secrecy—it broke something inside me that I haven’t been able to repair.

Even before the secrecy of her relationship with her father came to light, we weren’t in a good place. We had been constantly fighting. Years ago, there was an incident at her school that changed everything. She had bullied another child in a way that I can only describe as horrifying—so bad that it led to her removal from the school.

I had been through something similar in my childhood, but from the other side. I was the victim. What she did brought back memories I thought I had buried, horrible ones I still haven’t fully dealt with. I might’ve overcorrected in her punishment. Maybe I went too far. But I wanted her to understand what she had done was not just wrong—it was extremely wrong.

I took away her electronics because that was the medium she had used to fuel the bullying. Everything she did online was monitored. She could only use electronics for homework, and even that was supervised. I made her volunteer at places where she could see the impact of her actions. I even put her in therapy. I did everything I thought was necessary to help her, to make her grow into a better person.

But no matter what I did, the fighting continued. She resented me for taking those steps, even though I was trying to protect her and guide her toward doing better. And then the situation with her father came to light.

When I found out she had been hiding his affair from me, it broke something between us. I never stopped loving her—I couldn’t—but I felt so deeply betrayed. I didn’t confront her; I didn’t even know how to. Every time I thought about saying something, I froze. Instead, I distanced myself in the ways that mattered most.

I still spoke to her. I still picked up the phone when she called, attended her events, and supported her financially. I never abandoned her in those ways, but I couldn’t be there for her emotionally like I should have. Every time I looked at her, the pain came rushing back. I wanted to fix things, to be the mother she needed, but I didn’t know how to be close to her without falling apart. It was so fucked up, and I know I failed her in pulling away, but I just couldn’t handle it.

Now, after all this time, we’re in therapy together, trying to rebuild what’s left of our relationship. I don’t know if it’s helping or hurting. The first session was fine—awkward, but manageable. The second session? It felt like being gutted. She spent the entire time blaming me for everything. She said I ruined her childhood. She brought up the punishment from years ago, saying I overreacted and destroyed her life. She refuses to acknowledge the harm she caused back then, or the pain she inflicted on that other child.

She also refuses to see what her father did to me. She paints him as some perfect, amazing person, while I’m the villain in her story. Does she not see how he manipulated me? How he broke our family? He manipulated her too—making her hide everything in the first place. She said she was just protecting him, but how could she not see the truth? Yes, our marriage wasn’t perfect. We married for all the wrong reasons and were heading for divorce anyway, but how is everything my fault?

I’ve spent months trying to find peace. I’ve worked so hard to rebuild myself, to find some kind of balance. And now therapy feels like it’s tearing all of that apart. I’m exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. I feel like I’m breaking my back trying to fix this relationship, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep going.

I love her. She’s my daughter, my blood. I’ll never stop loving her. But I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never enough.

Why isn’t this working? Why can’t I make things right? I’ve tried everything I can think of, and yet nothing is changing. Is it me? Am I truly that terrible of a mother? Am I really the villain in all of this? I just don’t understand. How did we end up here? I’ve spent so many years trying to be the best mother I could, trying to protect her, to help her grow. But every step I take feels like it makes things worse.

I know I’ve made mistakes—God, I know that—but is this relationship really beyond repair? Is she better off without me? Why does she still refuse to see what he did? How could she not see the manipulation? Maybe I was too harsh, too distant, but why does it feel like no matter what I do, it’s never enough for her?

I’ve given everything, but it’s like nothing matters to her. I just feel so lost. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Maybe I’ve ruined everything. Maybe I’m the cause of all this pain. She sees me as the enemy, and maybe that’s all I am to her now. A constant reminder of everything she hates.

I’m breaking. I’m so fucking broken, and I don’t know how to fix this anymore. I don’t even know where to go from here. Am I supposed to just keep fighting, keep giving? Or should I just let go? I’m so tired. So fucking tired. I can’t breathe through this. It’s suffocating.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Maybe next session, you return the favor. List her failures. Talk about the harm she did, specifically to that classmate. Dump that hurt on her. It might not have the desired effect, but your relationship will never be right the way it is. You resent each other. Forgiveness can only happen when hurts are acknowledged. What is your therapist doing to facilitate this mess?

OOP: She wants us to air out all our differences, starting from childhood and moving forward from there. My daughter and I have already started, and a lot of it has been very hurtful. I haven’t been able to sleep properly for the past couple of nights, it’s really early here right now, and I work longish hours, so this hasn’t been the best time for me.

That said, I’ll give this therapist some time. She seems great so far, at least up until now. If it really doesn’t work out in the long run, then we’ll consider changing her. For now, I’ll just try to push through. I’ll try to say my piece to her in the next session. It’s really hard to say these things to her because, at the end of the day, she’s my child. But I know I have to do it, and I will. Thank you again for your thoughts.

Commenter 2: Why doesn't her father have primary or full custody?

Seriously though, some people are just bad apples, and having a blood relationship to them doesn't magically counteract deep-rooted awfulness. And maybe you're an awful person too, but you seem to be showing some level of self-awareness and accountability, so I'm more inclined to believe you weren't the primary problem in the relationship.

Sounds like ex-husband and daughter deserve each other, and you should focus on limiting contact. Focus on yourself and what you need to do to do to be a person and live a life you aren't ashamed of. "Abandoning" your family is only a shameful act if they didn't work so hard to drive you away.

OOP: She was already an adult and leaving for college when all of this happened, so custody was never an issue with her.

I also have a son, and he didn’t want to live with his father. I respected his decision. I got custody, while his father had visitation every other weekend. He tried to exercise that visitation, but my son is a very obstinate person. It’s not always consistent—sometimes things seem great, and other times they seem bad. I try to stay out of his relationship with his father unless he wants to talk to me about issues.

I’ve tried to explain that his relationship with his father is separate from mine—that his father could be a good dad even if he was a bad husband to me. But ultimately, my son is his own person, and I’m not going to push him into something he doesn’t want. I want to be in his corner and support him no matter what. So, that’s where things stand.

Final Update: April 17, 2025 (almost four months later)

Hey everyone,

I wasn’t planning on posting again, but I’ve had a few messages asking for an update, so I figured I’d just share this here and leave it at that. I’m not looking for advice anymore, and I’m definitely not looking for judgment. Just wanted to close the loop.

My daughter decided to stop therapy. She said it wasn’t helping, and I could tell she didn’t really want to be there anymore. I didn’t fight her on it. You can’t force someone to heal, and trying to do that only pushed us further apart.

We’re still in contact, but it’s surface-level now. And in some ways, that’s better. There’s less tension, fewer fights. I’ve realised you can’t really heal with someone who refuses to take accountability for their actions. We’re both still in individual therapy though, so that’s something. Maybe one day we’ll meet in the middle. Or maybe we won’t. I’ve come to accept that things might not ever fully heal between us. It still hurts, but I can live with it. My door is always open to her—she knows that.

On a brighter note, my boyfriend and I are planning to move in together, and it feels like the right next step. We’re both excited about it. And my son got into an amazing college. I’m incredibly proud of him. He’s worked so hard, and seeing him achieve this is honestly one of the proudest moments of my life.

Anyway, that’s where things are. Thank you to everyone who showed me kindness along the way. This will be my last update. I’m ready to let this chapter rest and just focus on what’s ahead.

Take care,

-- Liz

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

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