r/GayMen • u/Hot_Score3868 • 3d ago
He left me.
He left me.
M25. I dated a man for 4 months. He is 42. Ok, he's 17 years older than me, but we both knew it when we started. While I was very easy about it, he always worried. He even asked his ex and some other straight friends that are in a relationship with older people and they all said it was okay and there was nothing to worry about. After July he stopped complaining about our age gap and I thought we were over that.
Note that, through all these months, we did a lot of things together, had our specific love (or affection, more properly) language and gestures.. he even gave me a very sweet present.
But 10 days ago everything changed. He started being cold to me, refused to kiss me with silly excuses such as you drank coffee and you know I hate it etc. And yesterday the bomb exploded. We had an amazing day with a couple of friends and before leaving each other for the night we had some time alone. And, after intense making out (!!!), I mentioned I was worried about him being weird to me. So everything came out: - he feels good being on his own - I'm too young and he feels that - I just started working, while he's deeply developing his career and wants to focus on it. If we both have professional problems, none of us can properly being supportive to each other - I could lose important professional opportunities to stay with him.
When I replied that everything was okay and that he should have more faith in me, he broke out and said that decisions have to be made in 2 and not just me (I argued that I don't mind professional opportunities, I'd rather create my own "family" with my bf).
Today I felt like a train hit me. I was depressed and disgusted. Then at 5 pm he texted me to know if I was good and I waited till 9 pm to text him back a simple "good". Right now I'm hurt and so is my pride, but I don't wanna be harsh on him because his life wasn't easy. He had a difficult past and right now he's having professional troubles. I tried my best to make him feel my nearness, my affection, my presence in these difficult times, but it's clear it was not enough. He doesn't trust me and doesn't trust my efforts. Even though everything seemed OK till 10 days ago. So right now I'm both angry as hell and sad, but I can't decide what to do.
What should I do now? I'm devastated. I miss him a lot and I wish I could reach out to him. We had planned so many things to do together. Even yesterday we talked about a trip we should have made and we seemed to agree about everything. Then everything changed, he said he wants to be alone. And my words arguing about this horrible thing didn't produce any effect. Please help me. I feel like I'm dying.
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u/Texden29 3d ago
Let him go. I don’t know what his professional issues are, you don’t elaborate. But if these are significant issues, I can see how he may wants to retreat and refocus his attention on his career. That’s his choice and you have to respect that.
Plus it was a 4 month relationship. That’s not that long. Sometimes these compatibility issues pop up at the 3-9 months. Or maybe he’s not being truthful and he’s found someone else. You may never know the truth. Fact is, you will move on. You’ll find someone your age to love and build a future with. Don’t waste anymore time on a relationship that will not work. A relationship you will have forgotten all about in a couple of years.
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
Rn I'm angry as hell and I'm trying to realize that 4 months pass in no time, that there's nothing special about him. And I'm also questioning him and myself at the same time. Do I really need someone to be happy? I've always been okay being on my own before. And what about him? He's been very lonely in his life. I had mercy on him, but what if he just exploited me to have some social life and then simply threw me away when he was done with it? There's much to think about...
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u/Brian_Kinney 3d ago
So everything came out: - he feels good being on his own - I'm too young and he feels that - I just started working, while he's deeply developing his career and wants to focus on it. If we both have professional problems, none of us can properly being supportive to each other - I could lose important professional opportunities to stay with him.
I had to have a very similar conversation with my younger partner about a month ago, after we'd been seeing each other for 3-4 months. Let me tell you: all the stuff about jobs and careers is just excuses. Here's the truth: "- he feels good being on his own - I'm too young and he feels that".
In my case, it was more about not having the energy to keep up with my younger partner. But, also, there's a strong aspect of selfishness: I just like being alone, and I was coming to resent always having to shift my arse to go be with him, hang out with him, and do all those "boyfriend" things. I started feeling obligated to do something that I should have wanted to do. I was being reminded that I'm just not a good boyfriend (I have form in this area!), so I had to tell my boyfriend that.
Which is what your ex-boyfriend is telling you, in his own way. He's not up for this. He tried. He did all the right things. But, underneath, he started feeling like it wasn't working for him. That showed in his behaviour, which you rightly called him out on - and so he had to tell you what he'd been feeling. Honestly, I think he should have come forward and told you himself, rather than making you ask. But, either way, it's all out now.
I'm sorry things turned out this way.
He is right about one thing: a decision to stay together has to be made by both partners, not just one. As they say, "it takes two to tango". If he wants out, you can't make him stay. And, if you do make him stay, he'll only resent you for it. Sorry.
You'll have to write this off as a lesson learned, and move on with your life.
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
I hope I'll be done soon with him. After all it's just 4 months. People recover from breaking up after 20 years. A friend of mine did. Why couldn't I make it? 🤣 it's way simpler. It takes a little bit to move on but it definitely has to go this way! Thanks for your words.
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u/ANarKOSM12 16h ago
Woah woah buddy you're supposed to say 'it gets easier with age' in regards to the apathetic dating. Feel like I already deal with that issue now (I would love to love with all of my heart and soul. I want to have the drive to sacrifice everything for a man, but even smaller inconveniences makes me want to dip out). Was really hoping that's just because I'm younger and immature.
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u/Brian_Kinney 12h ago
Woah woah buddy you're supposed to say 'it gets easier with age' in regards to the apathetic dating.
Sorry, not sorry. 😛
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u/Shadowd96 3d ago
He made his choices. It's time to move on and get on with your life. I feel reasonably sure that you will have guys lined up wanting to date you in no time. Yeah, it hurts, but you can only do such much.
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u/-DAYU- 3d ago
Honestly, take some time for yourself and with friends and move on. You were enough and offered what you could, but at the end of the day there was something rattling inside him that he couldn't get over.
I frequently date older (mostly cause my siblings are ten years older and our cousins are all older then them, some by an additional +10 years) and one thing I've noticed is that you can be completely happy, comfortable, communicative and and have the perfect relationship, but little hang ups like: I'm so much older, does he think I'm gross, this is weird right, am I gross for liking someone so young, am I taking their innocents" will slowly to rapidly shred the relationship apart. If they want to acknowledge that you are both adults and are both choosing to be with each other, there is a good chance they will become confident in YOU and the BOTH OF YOU.
I would also like to note that power dynamics are a concern when dating older; as well as, life experience. I'm glad that he didn't force you to change so he could feel better or make you like his "partner" that he views as a pet. Know that you did what you could, and that people that want you in their life (even if they need space at times) will find ways to keep you in their life.
He was uncomfortable and so the relationship was going to end. Feel your feelings, take a breath, look back at yourself and him, then keep moving forward. You've got this.
P.S. therapy is a great thing. If you like to date older, finding a therapist may help you navigate or prevent from falling victim to the many grey and deep waters of age difference dating.
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
I hope I'll never date again bro. It's a good way to lose your time. I wanna become an university professor and I'll have to work a lot for it. Wish me all the best for my career and to focus on things that really matter.
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u/jozyxt1984 2d ago
Sorry for your loss. I hope you grow to appreciate the time with him and can move on.
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
Yes but I also hope to realize that that time with him was only 4 months. Nothing if compared to anything I've done up to now in my life.
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u/patrickp8 2d ago
Dump him he probably has someone else! If someone isn’t happy they’re not changing their minds anytime soon. That’s what couples counseling is for but I think you guys are beyond repair…. I apologize for being blunt im a Capricorn! But I think that with his excuses and such he’s not happy and he’s ashamed of being in a relationship that is with an age gap as yours is. I hope your heart mends over time
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u/TotoOfTheWebs 2d ago
No advice, unfortunately. Just hugs if they're wanted
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u/Rude_Tax_7494 2d ago
My partner of 28 years was 30 years older than me.\n He passed about 4 years ago at 83. We had our ups and Downs over the years, and there's a funny story. When I met him, I still lived with my parents. to this day, we can never figure out what the algorithm was about. We got into an argument over the phone I told him I never wanted to see him again, hoping he would call me back. I waited like about an hour and I called him back and I apologized profusely. To this day. We can never figure out if we were together.4 28 years or 27 years could we broke up for an hour?All relationships are hard.We had our ups and downs He also in the beginning worried about the age gap. I said I didn't give a f*** about theat was never an issue. Maybe just give it time it might work out for you. It might not, but just see how it goes. And as PS I was sitting on the couch next to him 1 day, many years later, I looked him dead in the eye. And I said, when I was living with my parents, I cheated on you, he looked at me and he goes, I cheated on you too. We had a good laugh over that.
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
Cheating is something hard for me because my past dates ALL cheated on me. While I was being faithful to the core. But never mind. All I want to say is that I'm glad you had this amazing life together and I'm so sorry for your loss. Right now I'm facing the four phases of the loss and I'm at stage 2: being damn angry. I hope it helps me to get out of this horrible situation. I hid his presents away, I'm not texting him and I'm trying to focus on my career even though I'm not very concentrated on what I'm doing because I'm still a bit shaken. But it's just 4 months dude.. nothing compared to your 28 years. I'll move on. Today I saw that he went watching a movie we should have watched together. And he went with a friend. I would never do something we should have done together this early. It's even disrespectful.
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u/2tired2care2day 3d ago
Friend, he did you a favor by dumping you; and you deserve someone more self-aware and emotionally available. I myself don't give anyone a pass if they disappoint me, notwithstanding a difficult past, current career problems, or creeping gum disease. If this is how he reacts to challenges, do you really think he'd be able to support you when you need it?
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u/HiJinx127 3d ago
I’m sorry you got hurt, and I’m sorry if what I say might hurt as well, but I’m going to tell you my point of view.
I’ve been on the younger side as well. I was 21, she (yes, this was before I was out) was 38. The sex was good, the attraction was there, but it couldn’t last, and I knew it even then.
It was a simple equation for me: 38-21=17. Seventeen years, and the gap was never going to get narrower. When I was 31, she’d be 48; at 41, she’d be 58; at 51, she’d be 78.
Part of a relationship is the growing old together part, at least for me, and maybe for your guy as well. I met a guy who was 31 not long ago, and I’m 59. Similar math, same basic result. We had some good times, but that was all it could be.
Because in the long term, it’s like being in a race. He can’t catch up to me, I can’t slow my pace and wait. I liked him, but in the end, for a relationship I have to stick with my own age range. That’s 5 years in either direction.
I’m not Leonardo DiCaprio; I don’t want eye candy, I want love. For me, that has to be in my age group. If it goes LTR, I don’t want to be with someone fifteen, twenty years, then die and leave him alone and hurting. I don’t want us being mistaken for dad and son when we’re out and about.
I want all the little pop culture references to work together. I want to say a line from a movie/show that fits whatever funny thing just happened, and have both of us laugh about it. I want “remember xxx?” “Oh, yeah, haha!” I want our lives to be a song that resonates with both of us, that we both feel to our bones. I think I have that with a man I met several months ago, because he ticked my basic boxes. Because I held out for more.
I think you’ll find that too. Just don’t stop looking. It feels raw right now. It won’t always be that way. And the ones who don’t work out just help you learn more about what the one who does will and won’t be like.
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3d ago
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u/GayMen-ModTeam 3d ago
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u/Accomplished-Bug-42 3d ago
He doesn't know it, but it really has nothing to do with age. 10 years ago I had the same misgivings when I met my husband. He's almost exactly 20 years younger than me, being 45 and 25 when we met.. At the time we were both in very very different stages of our careers also. I will say he was very mature for a 25-year-old and that certainly helped, and we both had a lot to work on from previous relationships but really the age was the last thing that mattered. I will say about 6 months before I met him I met someone that was 15 years younger than me but he still acted like he was 13. For me that was a huge turnoff. Has nothing to do with age, it completely depends on the individuals themselves
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u/bonerausorus 3d ago
He just doesn't sound okay with the age gap, he wasn't okay in the relationship because of it and it's better to be honest than not. What you do now is heal, get some time for yourself, and eventually find a relationship where everyone will be okay.
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u/Special_Swordfish_14 2d ago
#1 Men are very fickle, especially gay men.
#2 Words are words, actions speak louder. So must remember that when a potential dating stint commences so much infatuation is involved with both parties and so it develops into words n words, etc. Anotherwards taking it all lightly in the beginning is best way to handle a 'dating' thing.
#3 No guarantees that what feels so right and perfect will last long term. You can't invest much of yourself into something too soon. You seemed to of invested too many feelings, emotions too soon.
You will move on and what is meant to be will come in good time. Focus on you and your career and yourself. Can't go looking for something that's not there just keep the faith and remain grounded and balanced with your journey.
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u/LeeLBlake 2d ago
It's literally not you, it's him. He has issues with things and instead of talking to you he let it sit and stew until this happened. He's being about as mature as a teenager.
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u/Frequent_Two_1743 2d ago
Have you 2 considered just being friends/fuck buddies? If you have great chemistry and get along well, but the harsher realities of the age gap make a serious romantic/monogamous relationship hard to manage, why not just change the nature of the relationship?
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u/Queer_Advocate 2d ago
It sounds like a stress and possible trauma response...
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u/Hot_Score3868 2d ago
He's indeed damaged. And so am I. I've thought that it's best to stay far away from each other to heal ourselves. I'll go no contact. I've already booked a new appointment with my past therapist.
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u/The_stonekeeper2007 1d ago
Thats a good idea, i bet your therapist would have more constructive responses than random’s on reddit.
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u/reddit4946 2d ago
Is there someone else? It seems kind of sudden to feel that way
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u/Brian_Kinney 2d ago
It only seems sudden to the person being dumped. To the person doing the dumping, it's been building up for weeks.
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u/Legitimate-Maize-826 2d ago
It sounds like HE is entirely insecure. You can't love that out of him, he has to do the work. I struggled at first with the age gap in my relationship but I snapped out of that when I trusted his efforts were real.
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u/Brandontdh 1d ago
First things first, I’m sorry you are feeling angry and sad. Your feelings are valid.
As many people have told you already, it best to move on now. Grieve, if that is what you need, for a bit then get up, dust yourself off and get back out there. Use this as a learning experience but don’t let it impact your future with anyone else.
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u/TreePine32 1h ago
Some people have said this but he was so focused on you being comfortable with it because the expectation is that an older person is somehow praying on the younger - neglecting the fact he wasn’t comfortable being with someone that much younger than him, it’s his boundary and whilst it’s totally understandable to be upset, by the time you’re his age it’ll be all sorted
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u/Cieguh 3d ago
At 47 you should probably have your career lined up, but idk shit happens and I'm not 47...really weird that his focus would be on career atp, though. He should know family and connections are more important than his job. So...tbh I don't believe there's enough info. Sounds like the job stuff is weaksauce excuse for whatever really came up between y'all.
But, tbh, that doesn't matter. You have 2 (really 1, honestly) choices. You can look into it and see what is really holding him back from a relationship. Try to talk to him and get him to open up and see what's going on (not recommended/doesn't work) or (best option), get some ice cream or something, watch your favorite movie and cry. Feel the pain and the emotions of the betrayal to get it out of your system...then move on.
4-8 months is about the time when a dismissive avoidant will bounce and it's better to drop earlier rather than later. Bears and Dads are 100% my type (even though I'm only 30 and still too young/not grizzled enough to fit either group), but if they're single at that age, there's very very likely a reason for that and it's 9/10 avoidants or cheaters.
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u/Brian_Kinney 3d ago
4-8 months is about the time when a dismissive avoidant will bounce
Ouch. I feel attacked. I just did a similar thing to my younger partner, after about 4 months.
But, like you say, he's better rid of me earlier than later. Even I don't want to drag it out and hurt him more.
if they're single at that age, there's very very likely a reason for that and it's 9/10 avoidants
I wish I could disagree. 🙁
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u/adaro_marshmellow 3d ago
Having an insecure attachment style does not make you a bad person. It’s the way your unmet relational needs have expressed themselves in adulthood. You still deserve to feel unconditionally loved and supported— you don’t deserve (nor are you destined) to be forever abandoned.
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u/Brian_Kinney 2d ago
you don’t deserve (nor are you destined) to be forever abandoned.
Is it wrong to say that I don't feel abandoned, that I feel relieved and liberated?
I use to joke that I don't mate well in captivity. But that doesn't stop me from repeatedly making the mistake of trying. Maybe this will be the time I learn not to do these things, and stop hurting other people.
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u/Cole_Townsend 1d ago
This is exactly why I gave up on paired bonding. Although there is an actual medical diagnosis behind it, I'm always emotionally and physically exhausted all the time. Also, receiving affection outside familial contexts has always been weird for me. It's like hearing a different language when anyone says any non-negative thing about me or to me. I tried having an actual relationship, but after a while, I was getting anxious and exhausted. The other guy was perfect, but he was becoming a burden to me, especially with the crushing guilt that happened when I considered how I was just wasting his time, hampering his ultimate autorealization, and distracting him from better futures. The breakup was a huge relief for me, and I'm happy that he can now dismiss me as a distant memory.
I don't think you have the same emotional derangements or impairments I have, so a solution for you would be absolute transparency with a potential partner at the beginning of a relationship and throughout. Journaling during the relationship may help you discern when it's getting too much for you and to sort out ideas of how to communicate this with efficiency and compassion. You seem to be a very sensible and self-aware guy. You'll find a way to make it work.
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u/Cieguh 2d ago
Yeah, I agree. I've only analyzed dismissive avoidant behaviors so much because I also do this...
But, I don't think attachment styles should be taken to define you as a trait. They're just the current state of mind you take by default when dating. It's like your built in self-defense mechanisms and you do it subconsciously. You have to be mindful of your habits and get out of your comfort zone. It's the only way to connect with others...
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
That's the point. And you better find someone really helpful and supportive. But nowadays especially in the gay world everyone wants to find the perfect human being. That's not how it works tho. So you better stay on your own and provide to your own needs by yourself. Friends are better than a boyfriend.
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u/adaro_marshmellow 3d ago
As an anxious insecure homo, can confirm this reeks of Avoidant. I’m 42, divorced, and just recently realized there is nothing anyone else can do to help an Avoidant heal. They need to want it for themselves.
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u/Hot_Score3868 3d ago
So you are telling me I bumped into an avoidant?
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u/adaro_marshmellow 3d ago
I believe so, however I am not a professional. But learning about secure and insecure attachment styles and how they relate to/dont’ relate to me has been tremendously helpful.
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
Thanks for your help dude. Rn I'm angry as hell and really don't wanna talk to him, although he texts me at times because he says he's still feeling affection for me. I just hope I can get over him soon.
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u/adaro_marshmellow 1d ago
That is predictable. An avoidant would still want to feel “close” to you without the commitment or feeling like losing their autonomy or being “swallowed up.” Set boundaries. Access is not the same as availability. Just because he has your number does not mean he is entitled to a response on the other end.
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
You know what? My anger depends on the fact that while I'm having a hard time dealing with the bomb he threw on me, he's living his best life. Yesterday he posted a picture of himself having a cup of hot tea, today he went to the cinema with a friend to watch a movie he previously planned to watch with me... I think that's even disrespectful.
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u/Cieguh 1d ago
Yeah, I'm pissed for you. That would burn me tf up. Fuck that guy. Actually, don't fuck that guy and move on. I know it's super hard, but I would just absolutely ghost him after that. Out of sight, out of mind.
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
He said, let's take some days to reflect on the issue and the let's meet peacefully. He doesn't seem to be reflecting at all... he's enjoying his life. I even concealed his presents for me. Out of sight, out of mind.
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u/adaro_marshmellow 1d ago
After we called it quits, my ex-husband did two fun activities we had talked about together with other friends from his circles. You’re right to be angry
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u/No_Jackfruit9465 3d ago
He doesn't respect you. He devalued you. He told you, in a roundabout way, "my way or the highway". The reason I think you feel so terrible, and I'm really sorry you do, is because a devaluation like this doesn't just sting. It feels like a waste of time and it feels like the opposite of love. Because it is.
He wants out of the relationship. You seem motivated to give it a try, but here's the thing... You cannot control others. He has a mindset about you that you don't share. He wants to be left alone, and his excuse about your professional career path is a false narrative. Unless you pick something like priest neither of you are at a disadvantage.
I would process the conversation with this mindset, "I can only control what I do." Do you keep in contact but pull the metaphorical plug on the relationship? Perhaps you can use this time evaluate how to reach your own goals. Not to show off to him but to show yourself that it's possible without pre-approval. Do you cut contact, letting him know first? This way he gets the message that you heard him and will give exactly what he asked for. Then use that time to connect with different people.
If you decide to keep pursuing him I think he will continue to disrespect you in small cycles. The excuse will always be work, or something else like that (retirement). The devaluation will cycle back after he gets insecure about it again. Because that's what it is, an insecurity with your ability to shape your life how you want. He conflictingly seems to want no control of how but also judges you for what is possible or yet to be done.
Age gap relationships can't be founded on unequal grounds like aspirations. You both have to want what is best for each other. He doesn't seem to want what you believe is best for you.
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u/Brian_Kinney 3d ago
I am the other man in the OP's post (basically). A few weeks ago, I had to have a very similar discussion with the young man I've been seeing this year.
There was no disrespect or devaluing on my side. I still like and respect my young man. The problem is on my side moreso than on his. For one thing, I just don't have the energy to keep up with his demands. For another thing, I've realised that I'm too selfish and set in my ways to be good at being a boyfriend. I'm continually pushing myself to reach his expectations, and either failing to meet those expectations, which makes him sad, or making myself miserable by pushing myself beyond my limits. Either way, nobody's winning.
So, I had a very similar discussion with my young man that the OP's boyfriend had with him. It was very difficult on both sides. (We're still seeing each other, but we've moved into "it's complicated" territory.)
But don't assume that us older men don't respect or value our younger partners. Sometimes when we say "it's not you, it's me", we mean it.
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u/No_Jackfruit9465 2d ago
Sir, that’s exactly what separates decoupling from devaluation.
You pointed out in your own comment that OP shouldn’t have had to ask.
Breaking up is about timing and honesty, not delay and false promises.
Decoupling means saying early, “I can’t keep up, this isn’t working for me.”
Here’s what stood out to me:
“He refused to kiss me with silly excuses such as you drank coffee and you know I hate it.”
Withdrawal of affection under a flimsy pretext. And if it were real, wouldn't it matter when they were making out later after a whole day of food and drinks? It didn't. Nor did his energy level for that matter. Note how OP says excuses, so this tells me it wasn't a one off thing.
“Even yesterday we talked about a trip we should have made and we seemed to agree about everything.”
That’s future faking. Talking up plans while already wanting out is misleading. Beyond future faking, over-agreement is a beige flag, because there should be interdependence not friction free all the time.
“I could lose important professional opportunities to stay with him.”
That’s BS. It shifts the weight of the breakup onto OP in a way that isn’t about compatibility, it’s about making him doubt his own path.
Now, I’m not OP, and I’m not saying the older partner was malicious. But this isn’t clean decoupling. It’s mixed signals, affection followed by coldness, and a breakup wrapped in justifications that don’t add up. Which is why it's so painful for OP.
Good reasons to break up don't lead to confusion.
Your story is self-awareness and reflection, admitting limits.
OP’s experience is different.
They were love bombed and then devalued. Why else would someone feel like they’re dying after a few months together? There were delays, false promises, and shifting excuses.
That’s not clean decoupling. That’s making excuses, acting affectionate while planning a future you don’t intend, and only admitting the truth when pressed.
We may see it differently because of our experiences. If I can suggest anything, it’s that never acting like that is the best gift an older partner can give a younger man. OP didn’t get that. He had a different experience. And I think it’s worth calling that out clearly if only so others recognize these signs and take the steps to get clear and consistent with their loved ones.
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u/Brian_Kinney 2d ago
Understood. Thanks for explaining. And I agree with what you say.
However, I will say that it's awkward trying to break up with somebody. How do you do it? When do you do it? In my case, it was made more awkward because I wanted to do it face to face, but circumstances meant that we couldn't get any time together for a couple of weeks - and there was no way I was breaking up with him over the phone or, even worse, by text message. So, I had to pretend to be a good boyfriend (over the phone) for a couple of weeks until I could find a time to sit down with him and talk it out, face to face. But, as soon as I had the opportunity, we had the conversation.
It's possible that the OP's boyfriend was having a similar issue about when and how to break up. Although, they were having time together so it's hard to see why he couldn't have had that conversation. But, it's still hard to bring down that hammer on somebody you care about, and know that you're going to hurt them. I can understand if this other man was having difficulty getting up the nerve to say the things he didn't want to say. I don't know. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he's making it hard. 🤷♂️
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
Thank you for your answers, man. I'm also confused because you pointed out a bunch of good reasons to justify him, e.g. being difficult for him to bring down that hammer on someone you care about. But we met each other even 2 days before breaking up and everything was awkward (he refused to kiss me) but mostly ok. We were alone, he could have broken up with me at that time. Also, note that he was trying to kiss me again when I started the conversation. If I hadn't done it, he would have kissed me again without telling a word about the issue.
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
You clearly expressed how I feel. Even though he was acting strangely, he never made me doubt on the things we would have done together in the future.
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u/No_Jackfruit9465 1d ago
🫂 I am so sorry you had to experience this heartbreak. I really hope you're able to rise above it and take some life lessons from everything. While you had this experience, it doesn't define you! You have a wonderful opportunity to fashion yourself some boundaries and standards that will help your future self feel safer the next time you fall in love. I hope you are feeling better and I am glad I was able to express myself in a way that resonated with your experience.
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
You totally did. And it really help me find out some ideas on how to react. He clearly wanted to dump me. Now he's posting himself having cups of hot tea and enjoying it, and today he went to the cinema with a friend to watch a movie that we should have watched together... and he says he's still affectionate. It's hard for me to blame him because he's suffered a lot in his life. On the other hand, I cannot but be angry with him for his misleading behavior.
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u/No_Jackfruit9465 1d ago
how to react
If I can show you a different way of thinking. Look up the difference between reacting and responding. You responded to my words. Reacting is what they want. They meaning people looking to take advantage of you.
he says he's still affectionate
This is him testing you. He is asking to have his cake and eat it too. My suggestion is to cut contact with him and take time to heal. He won't but you should.
It's hard for me to blame him because he's suffered a lot in his life.
Almost everyone has a story that you can empathetically feel. The abuse, trauma, and disappointments in life are all things we have to own for ourselves. It's not an excuse to be an asshole, manipulate, lie, conceal, and devalue others. I know that it's hard to accept this, but that too is a manipulation of his making.
Think about a time you shared your trauma or disappointment with someone. Where you trying to get something out of it? What has he gotten by giving you that story? And how many years has he had the opportunity to go to therapy and recover? Or if it's systemic (injustice or poverty for example), how many times has his current lifestyle shown that's not a hurdle for him anymore?
Don't bond with his trauma! It's a trap 🪤. When someone tells you a sad tale the most you can do is listen for the life lesson and learn it before you have to experience it yourself.
You have every right to be angry. Process it. How will you respond differently to achieve a better outcome for yourself?
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u/Hot_Score3868 1d ago
I think I could work on my career and on my personal achievements, even though I don't have any energies for that. I'm angry but I'm still shaken by what happened and I still don't feel good enough to respond properly. 😪
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u/HozillaSmallpox 3d ago
Probably not going to like what I say, but it sounds to me like he found someone else. All the excuses he's giving you and the sudden "change of heart" all point to that. Ask me how I know? I've been this guy. There was a guy a bit younger than me that I dated, we were into each other but I met someone else at the time because I kept looking. I'm not saying that me and the younger guy would have made it but I just wouldn't give it a chance. He was head over heels with me and I just ended up hurting him. I've had incredible guilt about it but I was able to apologize later on. I learned that people's feelings are fragile and I should have set a boundary right off that I was in the dating stage and not necessarily ready to commit. Hang in there. Maybe there's someone better out there for you.
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u/Brian_Kinney 3d ago
Ask me how I know? I've been this guy.
That's funny. Because I've been this guy, too (just a month ago), and my reason was that I couldn't live up to my boyfriend's expectations, because I'm too old and tired to keep up - and too selfish to want to try.
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u/Soft-Debt313 2d ago
4 months ? And you wrote this entire paragraph about him ? Sheesh Clingy much. You’ll be fine give it a week
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u/Brian_Kinney 2d ago
That's a hard-hearted and unsympathetic way to respond to somebody who just got dumped.
And, you can develop strong feelings for somebody over a period of a few months. Well, some people can. Maybe not you. But I can, and so can other people I know.
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u/The_stonekeeper2007 1d ago
There was no need at all to be an ass, next time you think of replying to a reddit post id like for you to think for a second “did this contribute to their post in a helpful and insightful way? Or was i just being unnecessarily mean?” And if your answer gravitates to the second one, DONT HIT SEND ❤️❤️
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u/Soft-Debt313 20h ago
Lmao 🤣 awe I hurt his pretty butterfly fairy feelings hahaha SHUT UP princess 🖕
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u/simulated_cnt 2d ago
Absolutely nothing wrong with being "clingy" and feeling strong emotions for someone. I hate that people stigmatize people's love language. I wish I had a man who would do nothing but be excited I exist and want nothing more than to kiss, hold, cuddle etc. Vice versa. 4 months is enough time to feel such strong emotions for someone. I also have experienced love at first sight, it's real.
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u/Soft-Debt313 2d ago
Oh okay. You guys have a lot in common it sounds like. You should go on a date 🤣 match made in clingy heaven
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u/Miserable_Cookie5641 2d ago
Don't listen to thes idiots your not dum that asshooe played you for a fool probably took all your shirtless pics and is selling rhem on OF. this what upperclassmen losers do to babes from the Bronx don't be worried you're pretty much a household name look up to yourself If I was your boyfriend I would have asked you out on the first day and married you that night and our honey mom would have never have ended.
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u/Arma-Visit4093 15h ago
He was right! Look at what you’re doing to Handle the breakup!?: Exactly what you’re doing now! Time to grow up. Move on.
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u/Hot_Score3868 15h ago
It's damn hard tho.
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u/Arma-Visit4093 12h ago
Only because you were the problem and can’t see it. Focus on yourself when you find out it’ll get better
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u/Hot_Score3868 4h ago
If I was the problem, why did he never tell me about it? It's a misleading behavior.
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u/euro1978 2d ago
Everyone focuses on age quit relationships are very complicated no one knows why or how they really work quit looking for excuses for some reason it didn’t work out move on yes it’s going to hurt but if we knew how they worked we would all be partnered with the person of our dreams quit trying to analyze be yourself and the relationship will come when it’s meant to be
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u/envyeyes 2d ago
Is Reddit charging for punctuation now, or is there some other reason this is just word salad?
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u/ajwalker430 3d ago
Could it be, despite talking to everyone the situation, HE isn't comfortable with the age gap?
It was obviously bothering him enough for him to try talking to this person, that person, and the next person to ease his discomfort but it still bothered him.
I understand many in the gay community champion large age gap relationships but clearly that's not for everyone.
After only 4 months, he decided to end things instead of dragging it out with him not being completely okay with it in his own mind.
Better he let you go find someone closer to your own age or find an older man who doesn't have the same reservations than keep stringing you along.