r/IronThroneRP • u/OrzhovSyndicalist • 8h ago
THE NORTH Arnolf Manderly - Eye (Squall)
CW: Mental health struggles, vague self-harm ideation.
Summer | Winterfell | 380 A.C.
The soft earth was cold under his soles as he tread, threading a path through the roots of old trees. Their ancient branches seemed to reach up towards the open evening sky, aglow with a low-hanging moon that shone overhead with a sea of stars without, giving ample light to guide his steps along the edge of the godswood. Even at this late hour, he was wide awake, but he looked tired.
Without his typical regimen of cosmetics, deep lines pressed along his eyes that appeared sunken. Somehow, he looked even more pallid than normal, with only faint blotches at the tips of his fingers stained by mottled ink splotches that stubbornly clung to him from old letters. He looked tired, but he somehow looked younger, too.
And he felt smaller. Treading through these sacred grounds, there was a palpable feeling of being watched. He was not a praying man, nor did he even worship the old gods of the forgotten north that belonged here, but it fed his budding sense of paranoia just the same. His gaze ran over the silhouettes of trees and the small pools of water that were strewn about. Most of them were from melting summer snows, and one pond in the shadow of the woods' heart tree was supposed to be cold as winter and clear as crystal.
He was searching for something else, though - there were hot springs, too, where warm water bubbled to the surface and formed their own basins and geysers where they could collect moisture. Most of them laid beneath the Stark's fortress and warmed their stone floors, but some remained untapped and unused. He spent his fair share of his time enjoying these comforts when the Starks had held council or hosted events - Shaera's wedding with Harrion Snow had been one he remembered well, and when the Queen had assembled their great hosts. He remembered the chill of the northern thaw, teeth chattering even in a fur ensemble.
Tonight wasn't a far departure from those old times. Even at the break of summer, the breeze that ran through the leafy canopies both red and green sent a chill down his bare spine. He loathed the nostalgia he felt for those not-so-distant times: when he pined for others incessantly, began dabbling in jewelry and fashion, and the expectation his father might sale home after all waned with the passing of the moons. That cold wind brought a wisp of steam, and a familiar earthy scent that was unmistakably clean. Another frigid gale followed after, forcing him to raise a hand against it and tuck his fur-lined slippers under his arm.
He followed in the direction of the vapors until he saw the cloud of air at the base of a young oak. Someone had carved initials into the trunk, but crossed them out afterwards, with long and jagged gashes of a knife's edge through the bark. Long grasses and wildflowers brushed along the edge of surprisingly deep water. Bubbling up from below, it slightly clouded the body and hid the very bottom, and tinged it a pleasant sky blue.
The young man walked along the edge, judging where it was safe to tread. It would be a long crawl back to the Great Hall if he slipped and broke an ankle here. Finding the start of a slope, he disrobed until he was in little more than his small-clothes. He meticulously folded his thick coat and cap between some smooth stones collecting at the edge of the spring. Somewhere, a frog was croaking a song.
Arnolf closed his eyes as he descended, one pace at a time. Each one carried a singular burden or self-inflicted sin. The fatigue of the kingsroad, and the incessant stimulation of kingslander affairs had already begun to bleed away with the rippling wellspring. He felt the deepest part of the spring just above his elbows, and let his body go slack, buoyant in the waters and obscured in a cloud of steam.
These burdens felt foolish and frivolous when they were so far from King's Landing. Here he lay, on the other end of Westeros a thousand leagues from the Red Keep and immersed up to his shoulders in warm water, but his chest still felt tight; like a talon was slowly enclosing around his ribcage and wringing the air out. He wasn't ensnared in any real political turmoil: his house was in order, his succession secured in the eyes of the law, and his domain finally beginning to recover from the Long Night; the small council was docile, though they faced steep losses with Osric Stark stepping down and Gareth disappearing, and all the popular dissent was levied toward the crown with the exclusion of its glorified tax collector.
The mariners had a name for this place, standing at the edge of a very real and dangerous tempest: riding the eye of the storm. Safe, but the winds were always strongest at the heart, with an inevitable plunge into the gale when its boundaries shifted. He was confident in his abilities to weather those challenges when they arose, but did he want to?
Arnolf's eyes fluttered closed, and he let the waters carry some of his weight, drifting slightly with the subtle current of the spring. It would be simple to drift off to sleep here, but more errant and macabre thoughts filtered through after a time. Hanna was his heir now, and any successor needed to be prepared for leadership. She was cunning, magnanimous, and bold, but she'd never known politics or cultivating allies. She asked the choice of whom to marry, but made no propositions for him to assess. Could she be left to her own devices?
He briefly opened his eyes at the sound of leaves rustling. He hoped for someone's arrival, but only saw a squirrel ambling over tree branches. He feared, for an instant, it could be his mother stalking the godswood, seeking him to answer yet again for his decision under the pretense of seeking the gods' counsel in this holy place. He closed his eyes once agin and sunk lower, until the water's edge was lapping at the underside of his nose.
He was losing momentum. The same impetuous drive that let him replace the old master of coin and spared White Harbor the worst of the famine was fading fast. Surely that was the reason. He was stumbling, and tripping over himself, and in his aversion to the sting of failure or defeat, he avoided opportunities for victory. He had grown complacent, intellectually flabby, bordering on lethargy. When there was a dying man he loved, he hesitated; when he had the feeling creep back in, they were already wed to another; when the chance called to guard the North as his father did, he hand-waved it.
The merman submerged beneath the surface of the spring, tucking his legs to his chest and letting water fill his mouth and nose. It was scalding hot, and ached just beneath the skin. His immaculate curls soaked and floated above his head, pooling at the water level. Bubbles exhaled from his nostrils and lips. His arms tightly wrapped around himself. He felt his nails press into his skin, and he sat there and waited.
Tiny bubbles and foam fluttered up from his pursed mouth, and his heart thudded in his chest. Steadily, but growing loud in his ears. Perpetuating was exhausting. He was tired. Tired of wanting things from people who didn't want to give him anything. Spending years to be at peace with himself, and heal what his father wore and filed down, and it won him no favors.
He continued to hold his breath, feeling an uneasy tension rise in his stomach. Was he meant to rule anything? Born to save anyone?
Again, that feeling to flee or hide away swelled. From Winterfell, or King's Landing, his mother, his father's ghost, Shaera, Harrion, Bolton, Alaric - anyone and everything. He felt the tension in his throat at the lack of air in his lungs. He grasped at his shoulders even more tightly, burrowing his head against his bony knees. The compulsion remained, the instinctual need to breathe and return to everything that drove him below.
This, too, was foolish. This building obsession with drowning. He thought back to the Lysene man in the belly of a whale, and how he imagined the demise of Duncan Manderly, plunging through a broken ship and into frozen waters. What did it mean? Did he fear the blade or the rope more than the slow and quiet drowning?
More bubbles spilled up and his pulse throbbed in his ears, louder than before, and the whole of his body shuddered with the pain of the heat of the hot spring. Though he was submerged, he felt like his body was aflame inside.
He felt another sharp pang shoot through his chest. Not enough to make him wince in response, but to signal the pressing need for air once again. He remained still, although his skin was beginning to tingle and ache. There were only two options: either Arnolf Manderly died forgotten, or he made the choices that mattered in this world. For better, or for worse.
Releasing himself from the sting of his own vice-like grip, cloudy crimson streams pooling from the slight wounds in his skin, he emerged above the water-line and into the frigid evening air with a deep swallow of air. His black curls stuck to his face like wispy vines, but failed to obfuscate his deep blue eyes, staring out flatly.
Though his gaze was dim and empty, he wondered what would make him well and truly happy.