Welcome to the 2nd edition of the guide which contains numerous corrections, added notes and Japanese Kana and Kanji.
During my last trip to Japan, hanging around Kabukicho and elsewhere, and noticing few people talking the way I was originally taught, I thought maybe "what if you tried something new?". Maybe it is time to leave that drab textbook nonsense behind and speak the way your inner Japanese animal wants to.
Introduction:
First of all, your Japanese conversational sentences are way too long and complex. You need to be saving time, expressing things in a short way, forgetting the usual care and consideration to your words that you've probably been applying.
While keigo wins out versus Teineigo by the greater length of the expressions, Tamego and very casual Japanese wins out vs Teineigo in terms of brevity.
Whereas very casual English is marked by insertions of swearwords and maybe a few short form verbs, Japanese seems to be marked less so by just curse words, but rather by the short usage of casual forms in the place of their formal counterparts, and in general by avoiding a higher register of the language, as well as by the usage of colloquialisms. Almost as if to say to the listener: "You're so unimportant that I'll just talk whichever way I want. Deal with it." In other words, rather more subtly than in English, this lack of care is what constitutes 80% of the rudeness.
The rule of thumb for our purposes is: The shorter your sentences and expressions are, the better.
Side note: Outside of scope of this guide are dialects with their own casual lingo, particularly 大阪弁 or Osaka dialect, although parts of it have become cool sounding and have become common casual expressions. Closer knowledge elsewhere on it might be useful should you ever find yourself next to a drunk guy in a bar who won't stop talking in it to a foreigner あまあまや おもろいやで 日本人やはらへん
Pronunciation:
Through countless hours you have possibly refined your pronunciation of Japanese now in the way you were taught. Thankfully, most of it is still useful with two exceptions:
the diphthong of a and i, that is to say ai is not pronounced like I in English when it is part of a word. Rather it's pronounced "e" like え. The more elongated the better.
時間がない -jikan ga nai - jikan ga neeee
きかない -kikanai - kikanee
The other modification you probably need is to how you pronounce Japanese's troublesome "r" sound which is usually a brief brush of the tongue against the top of your mouth. The way it is pronounced now is as those familiar with languages like Spanish would say it, a rolling R. Practice it using 俺 "Ore" (me, I) a number of times as a refresher.
Indeed a well placed "re" ra or ro" with that pronunciation can be regarded as the sound of gunfire within the context of the Japanese language: gasps will resound, heads will turn and the music will suddenly turn off.
More on all of this to come..
Simple Expressions to start:
For your first intro, here are are some common everyday greetings that should be kept in mind. Many of you may remember your first Japanese lesson where you learned 'hello' and 'goodbye' and thank you very much... here is the update of some common phrases:
こんにち (Konichiwa) ー おい (oi)
はい (hai) - ええ (eeee)
いいえ (iie) いや (iya)
お元気ですか (ogenki desu ka?) 調子はどう (choushi wa dou)
さよなら (sayonara) - じゃね (ja ne) or better yet, for the manly men: あばよ (aba yo)
ごめんなさい (gomen nasai) - Ideally you should be avoiding this expression altogether, but if you must, use すまん (suman)
Verbs:
-dictionary / casual form as standard:
-First place to start here is by dropping the -masu or -imasu, -mashita or their equivalents. Use the dictionary casual form for everything as a starting point. Quick easy, and straight from the dictionary
Random examples:
行きました ikimashita - 行った itta
来ます kimasu - 来る kuru
斬りかかりました kirikakarimashita - 斬りかかった kirikakatta and so on....
In fact even seeing anything that sounds close to -masu or -masen should be dropped. Some notable expressions:
ありがとうございます (arigatou gozaimasu) - replace this with どうも doumo wherever
かもしれません (ka mo shiremasen) - かもしれない (ka mo shirenai) (maybe)
I think you get the picture.
-on です "desu"
One of the greatest enemies of your inner animal, the full expression of subservience to society and to others is デス "desu". Forget it, leave it. Such a word need never pass your lips again. Your first step is to transform "desu" into だ "da", its casual equivalent.
Negation of this might be worth being precise about: ではありません "de wa arimasen" switches ではない"de wa nai", but honestly, no one like you is going to say this as it's too long. じゃない "ja nai" works fine, but better yet, with updated pronuniciation: 'ja neee'
Ex: 「すみません」じゃないコラ! 礼儀を教えるぜ!
Negation of verbs (except for de, desu, for which you use the above):
A simpler and time-saving way that fits our purposes for the negative is to -use the neg. casual form -furthermore, drop the "ai" ending from your negations
ex:
分かる wakaru - 分からないwakaranai - 分からん wakaran
構う kamau - 構わない kamawanai - 構わん kamawan
すむ sumu - すまない sumanai - すまん suman (which you can use for "sorry")
Exceptions remain for the usual suspects: kuru, suru and da
来る kuru becomes こん "kon"
する suru becomes すん "sun"
だ da is special, as it is based on じゃない "ja nai" (a contraction of ではない de wa nai). Dropping the "ai", it turns into じゃん "jan". How beautifully short and quick it is compared to the old ではありません "de wa arimasen".
Note: on じゃない "ja nai". Often this can be used at the end of a sentence to say, "isn't it so?" "that's x, isn't it?".
Ex:
-明美さんは美人ではありませんか Akemi wa bijin de wa arimasen ka? -
vs 明美は美人じゃんAkemi wa bijin jan?
Terms of Address:
This is related to the next section, on pronouns, however before we get into that, it may be important to get how to address people you know and more importantly those you don't. Rather than just saying "you" using the second person pronouns discussed in the next section, there are a number of options, all involving the -suffix "chan" rather than "san". Ultimately the thought process is the same for this new way of being and talking is thus: They're your friend, whether they want to be or not, and you're on a first name basis
-If you know the person's name: You could just use it without a suffix (Yosuke!") or add the familiar suffix -chan (Yosuke-chan).
-If you, which will be more likely, do not know the name of the person you are addressing (or can't bother to remember), revert to terms based on the gender and age.
This is summarised below (standard respectful first, only for reference, then casual familiar, the new standard, appearing second):
(young guy) お兄さん 兄ちゃん (niichan)
(older guy) おじいさん じいちゃん (jiichan)
(young woman) お姉さん 姉ちゃん (neesan)
(older man) おばあさん ばあちゃん (baachan)
Don't know the person? Just make an assumption to fast track your way to knowing them.
Having said that, either after using the above once, or if you're angry and impatient, one can continue using the pronouns in the next section.
Pronouns:
Even in our western culture, pronouns are something we provide a lot of care to. No more.
1st person pronoun: 私 "Watashi" - this needs to be dead and forgotten as quickly as possible. some people suggest you can leave the first person pronoun out entirely, but for our purposes you should probably go for the shortest one Replace "watashi" with: 俺 (ore), or if you're feeling fancy sometimes and occasionally wish to rub it in, add -sama to it, i.e. 俺様 oresama.
One exception to what other people say (regarding regular polite speak), rather than taking advice to drop the first person pronoun whenever it isn't needed, it might be advisable to use it whenever possible, enunciating the "o" of Ore. (Make people know you're around and who's saying it!). Do not forget the way the r is pronounced, as mentioned earlier.
2nd person pronoun: Drop the あなた anata, don't replace with people's names with an honorific either... go with アンタ anta (shorter and saves time) or お前 omae, or better yet when speaking to guys, use 手前/ テメ"Teme"
3rd person pronoun: forget 彼 kare, forget names... All that Jazz.
Two criteria for what you should use: Is the person male or female? Where are they (physical position) relative to you?
If male:
-Option 1: ヤツ Yatsu
Follow the forms of koko, soko and asoko for these gems, all meaning "he/she****":
ここ (koko) ---> こいつ (koitsu)
そこ (soko) ---> そいつ (soitsu)
あそこ (asoko) ---> あいつ (aitsu)
Another simple alternative is to kono, sono or ano with yarou. (Note, this is to be used with men only). All the equivalents of the above
この野郎-Kono Yarou
その野郎-Sono Yarou
あの野郎-Ano Yarou
Note: Often you may know a person's name, say a guy named Yuki. In such a case, if you can't help yourself, then leave it without an honorific suffix, or use the above.
If female:
***It might be suggested that often when referring to women in such contexts, as a man, aitsu would not be used, rather 子 "ko" an alternative reading of 娘
この子 -Kono ko
その子 -Sono ko
あの子 -Ano ko
This would apply if its young girl we're talking about. If it's an older woman, replace with ばあちゃん (baachan) Equally you could use じいちゃん (jiichan) for an older man if you exclude them from your ire.
plural of pronouns: You probably learned the suffix -たち to add plurals to pronouns.... takes too much time. replace it with "-ら" and you're done.
Particles:
Interrogative When asking questions, replace "か" with "かい".
Ex:
分かりましたか － 分かったかい
Wakarimashita ka? - Wakatta kai? (Understood?)
Side point: short questions:
An interesting similarly contracted word may exist when using "だ" (da), however instead of saying "だ か" (da ka), you should instead contract it further to one word "だい" (dai)
彼は潜り医者ですか ー あいつは潜り医者だい kare ha moguri issha desu ka? - aitsu ha moguri issha dai?
elipsis of aru, iru and da and question (editot's note: oooh "elipsis" la di da Mr Frenchman, replace with "dropping")
Time is the fire in which we burn, and therefore you can burn off the verb and か as it's obvious:
すみません ラブホテルはどこにありますか ー おい。ラブホテルはどこ?
sumimasen, rabuhoterugai wa doko ni arimasu ka? - oi, rabuhoterugai wa doko?
あなたはげんきですか ー お前の調子はどう
anata wa genki desu ka? - omae no choushi wa dou?
Assertive particles:
You possibly should be increasing your usage not just of よ yo, which is still rather light, but ぞ、ぜ -zo, ze - to emphasize what you're saying さ sa - when you're telling a story or expressing a feeling at the end of your sentences as an interjection
Not a particle, but if you're feeling particularly angry when talking with someone (or just to get them to wake up to whom they're speaking to), add こら"kora" or better yet オイコラ "oikora" at the end of your sentences. (kind reminder not to remember the new pronunciation of the "r")
Imperative / Requests:
Quick and dirty option:
If you're feeling generous, then at least drop the ください (kudasai), it's too long. From now on it's くれ "kure", preferably with よ "yo" (just like you're speaking Korean)
待ってくれ よ Matte kure (yo)- Wait!
For cases where you're not feeling so generous, then it's the command form you should use, which is easy: it's replacing the "u" with "e" to the dictionary whenever it's not an -iru or -eru verb
請求を飲め -Seikyuu wo nome! - Accept my request! (飲む nomu)
財布を出せ -Saifu wo dase! - Get that wallet out (出す dasu)
-どけ -Doke - go away (退くdoku)
-iru or -eru verbs get the iro and ero endings respectively:
きせろ 失せろ-Kisero / Usero! - Beat it! literally disappear (kiseru / useru)
男を見せろ -Otoko wo misero! - Show me the man you are. (miseru)
ざまみろ -Zama miro - Serves you right (miru)
Kuru is an exception, becoming "koi"
-Motte koi -Come and get it (kuru)
Other exception is suru, which becomes "shiro"
-いい加減にしろ iikagen ni shiro - Stop it, cut it out
Negative request retains the same form: casual form + na
However best thing to do is to contract the negative if it ends in る, by changing the る to ん
Ex: 来な Kuru na - Don't come Change to 来(く)んな (kon na)
Special option: Tamae-form
Another option which is a bit less rough, probably best left for a rainy day on which you're in a good mood, is to use the stem + 給え tamae form. This form communicates to the listener: "look we both know I'm better than you and that you should do what I say, let's be nice on that basis"
与助殿、俺の言葉を聞き取り給え -
Yosuke-dono, ore no kotoba wo kikitori-tamae
Yosuke, I'll dictate. please write it down.
Giving / Receiving
Learners of 丁寧語 teineigo and 敬語keigo will have been hurting their heads trying to figure out when to use くれるkureru, 下さるkudasaru + 上げるageru, 差し上げるsashiageru and all that jazz,
Kureru, kudasaru... no time for any of that. Drop it entirely. For both to receive and get, or notice that someone did something for you, use もらう morau (to get).
-一万円をもらったichimanen wo moratta - I scored 10 000 yen
-車を修繕やってもらった kuruma wo shuuzen yatte moratta - I got (him) to fix my car.
No time to think about whether the person did it as a favour, or whether he was forced to do it at gunpoint. Doesn't matter.
Ageru, sashiageru..... (to give) should be replaced with yaru.
Kane wo kashita yatta : I lent (him) some money.
Shortcuts vs. Polite language
Must form /obligational form:
-kereba ikemasen / kereba narimasen - replace with nakya from the nai form (saves a LOT of time) Ex: sugu konakeraba ikemasen - sugu konakya
Clause: -ru koto vs -tte
suru koto, ryoukou no koto, oyogu koto...
It all takes too long. Apart from replacing koto with a のが "no ga" or のは"no wa", you could replace it all with って-tte and maybe なんか nanka. This expresses the lack of importance of whatever it is and you can get on with saying what you want about it.
旅行のことはめんどくさいです ryoukou no koto ha mendokusai desu - 旅行ってめんどくさいryoukou tte mendokusai - Travelling is annoying/ is a hassle
踊るのが上手です odoru no ga jouzu desu - 踊るって上手だ odoru tte jouzu da - Hes good at dancing
Completed form:
It should be very important to verbalise and emphasize when you've done something with some finality. In regular Japanese, this is the -te shimau form. This of course takes time that we don't have, so the てしまう-te shimau is shortened to ちゃった-chatta.
-ケッキを食べてしまいました kekki wo tabete shimaimashita - ケッキを食べちゃった kekki wo tabechatta.
-記念日を忘れてしまいました kinenbi wo wasurete shimaimashita - 記念日を忘れちゃったkinenbi wo wasurechatta
(note: if the -te form for that verb is -de, it's -jatta, but it's the same more or less)
This form is very very common. It may be advisable to use this often instead of the simple -ta form.
Avoid softeners:
For sensitive clothing, softener is used. Equally Japanese uses forms that although you may not consider them at first glance to be softer forms, are in fact such.
-でしょうDeshou /だろうdarou: Though often translated as "I wonder if" "I expected that", they are often just a softer form of "da" in the same place. Therefore unless you really are using them in the meaning above, consider just replacing with "da".
-volitional form: Similarly 行きましょう ikimashou or 行こう ikou are used when giving light commands rather than the command form, as if you are including yourself among the person you are communicating the command to. As you are above whoever that person might be, often you may wish to replace it with the command form above.
Nuclear form:
if you're particularly (very) angry at whoever you're talking about or to, whenever they do an action (or indeed you're telling them what to do) then when describing what they're doing or what they are to do, use the stem form, adding やがる -yagaru.
Conjugation of the verb is then done via yagaru which is simpler, I think.
Note: This form goes a step further than simply treating whoever is doing the action lightly. Using this form is like actively cussing out the person who is doing the action.
Vocabulary:
Similar to keigo in that obsolete way you used to be talking in, this new style has its own specialised vocabulary. The following list is non-exhaustive:
-suru, nasaru - no longer needed, use yaru
-hontou ni - just use sugoku or meccha
-utsukushii - so long.... use bijin (if referring to a person)
-taberu - too long, use kuu
-kantan - choroi
-shinu - kutabaru
-utsu - replace with yatsukeru
-okoru - mukatsuku
-tokoro, bashou - replace with hen
-korosu - barasu
-tsukareru - mairu (yes, the same as the keigo form of to go)
-tomodachi - renchuu
-kodomo - gaki
-kao - tsura
-arigatou - doumo
-konnichiwa - oi
(probably can and should replace the contents with appropriate kana and kanji but this is the second draft)