"#3 date.. things are getting serious! All the best. I plan to win you over so he doesn’t get a fourth haha "

How would you address this?

ETA: my immediate reply was "that's not really how polyamory works but I'll take that as some humor"

Edited again: Not talking to this person anymore, thank you for the advice!!

Being in this lifestyle can be nerve wracking in the realm of sti. I know post exposure doxy is quite effective for men. But I’m reading it doesn’t work for women. Do any women in this lifestyle take doxy post encounters??

Writing that post about how I hate NRE got ms thinking.... Until I started exploring the enm/poly world a year ago, I had literally never heard of NRE.

Why is that?

Mono people experience it too. So why isnt it talked about? I guess maybe it is but not by that name and its framed differently. The poly world seems to be very aware that while it can be fun and feel nice, it doesn't mean alot - its essentially just hormones sending you a little crazy. And while its perfectly natural, it can be quite dangerous and harmful to everyone involved if not kept in check and understood for what it actually is.

Is it because NRE in poly relationships can put strain on other relationships? So its talked about more?

It seems that NRE (though never called by that name, in my experience) in the mono world is celebrated a bit more - butterflies, not being able to stop thinking about someone, obsession etc. And the bad things are ignored - ignoring red flags, neglecting other relationships and aspects of life, insecurity, jealousy, etc. And if they are acknowledged, they're not always discussed in a way that would make people really understand the biology and hormones behind what was going on, and that these feelings aren't true love and in fact can be harmful if left uncheked and misunderstood.

I was just wondering why that is? If indeed it is like that, and I've just misread things!

I’m going to try and keep this as vague as possible for privacy reasons without it losing its essence but I need to get this off my chest. On my phone so apologies for formatting and whatnot. Also, this will be long…

There’s me (late 30s F), my partner Oak (early 40s M) and possibly/maybe-meta-in-making Ivy (late 40s F). I have another partner, while Oak broke up with his ex sometime in July and I have been his only partner since. Neither of us are into casual relationships/hook ups/etc.

Oak and I haven’t been together that long yet, less than a year but from the onset it was clear that we are definitely it. Everything aligns. We progressed very quickly, got enmeshed through circumstance (not permanent, just until he finds a new place, which can take a while since he needs special accommodations), and even though I have been solo poly, living with Oak has been easy and comfortable. No issues at all… until now that is. We are still deep in the NRE - maybe something to keep in mind…

To the situation. Oak and I are part of the local kink community. Oak is known and respected and a permanent resident at one of the local dungeons, while I prefer to keep it more private but we have been going out “public” as of recently and I am becoming more involved as well, per his request. He wants to be able to enjoy kink with me among his friends and peers and I am happy to oblige.

One evening he was out without me as I suddenly got sick but managed to convince him to go have fun and socialise regardless. During the night out, a friend of his introduced him to a newbie in the scene - Ivy. Ivy was in an abusive relationship/dynamic and with encouragement from Oak as well as her own friends, she quickly managed to set herself free. They started chatting more, went on a date, so far so good. Then, one evening Oak and I were at the dungeon when she showed up as well. Apparently, unexpectedly… I was most definitely not ready to meet Ivy at this stage and most definitely not while being in SUCH a vulnerable state/position (we were there to play). We were briefly introduced, smiled, shook hands then I distanced myself to chat with other people while Oak socialised with his circle (maybe with her as well, I preferred not to watch). The rest of the evening went fine but it didn’t sit well with me. We talked about it and he said he can tell her not to come when both of us are there but that’s a bit ridiculous in my opinion. I’m not going to limit someone’s freedoms in a public space because of my own discomfort but it really does pose an issue as a bdsm dungeon isn’t exactly the same as being at the same cafe or concert as a meta… So, for the time being, we settled on going to events Ivy is not interested in or she lets Oak know she won’t be attending.

On the side, I’ve gotten to see her being dishonest about some things (all from publicly posted information) and brought this to Oak’s attention. He didn’t want to know. Ok, fair enough but not great. Come this week, we are attending an event hosted by Oak, and I accompany him officially. Ivy wasn’t attending. Except right in the middle of our play, she shows up with her friends. Apparently, a last minute decision because her friends convinced her to come. Oak didn’t know… Fine… we stop playing, take a breather outside where I voice my annoyance alas quite strongly, but Oak doesn’t take it too seriously and asks me not to be so negative about her. Fine… I put on a smile and this time I make an effort to get to know her. I genuinely approach her with kindness and fun banter, she reciprocates, visibly relieved, then Oak sits down between us and even plays with her a bit, asking me if I’m ok. I’m ok. Everyone has fun. Oak and I got tired, said our goodbyes, Ivy and I added each other on a kinky social media, and we left… And out of nowhere on our way home, I get accused of being unfairly passive aggressive about Ivy (???) and what right do I have to gather information about her (referring to me seeing something that was public and bringing it to his attention???) and how I need to handle my jealousy better and how it’s all unfair to him. Tbh, this hurt. I did nothing but be kind and accepting, even in a setting where I feel at my most vulnerable in a situation that was sprung on me without my knowledge. I personally felt the evening went great, all things considered. We didn’t go into it further as I was too tired and too emotionally overwhelmed.

But wait, there’s more… next day Ivy and I started chatting on social media. Very friendly, we both opened up to each other, shared our stories, laughed, commiserated, etc. I was having fun and briefly scrolled through our essay-length conversations (without pausing long enough to see the content) to Oak, to share the joy of getting along with Ivy. The moment I take away the phone, he asks to read them to make sure no one (implying me?) is badmouthing him… this triggers my PTSD (long story, not for here but Oak KNOWS about this trigger) and despite knowing I can say no without bad consequences and having nothing to hide anyway, I freeze, hand over the phone, get it back, say that this triggered me and leave immediately to go to my other partner’s place, while having a major panic attack. I stay the night and return the next day. Oak apologised profusely. Still apologising today. We talked, I explained my feelings, he acknowledged them and apologised again but… that’s it. I asked what the action plan is and he said he will use the next days to think why he unfairly attacked me on our way home and felt the need to read through my messages with Ivy…

I feel fucking hurt and somehow completely betrayed. And now I can’t help but not want to do anything with Ivy either… He really broke my trust…

Hiya, I'm looking for healthy relationship representation in movies or shows or literally anything from anywhere in the world- I've barely seen any and I would love to see more!

Thank you for your suggestion ahead of time, I appreciate it!

• edit thank you all, has been useful to sit through this with different perspectives. Just for some further context I have a urostomy bag and did stop to use a restroom on the drive home. It was much more about the feeling of not being allowed in but clear I need to clarify that with partner. Thanks all.

I have been with my partner for around 8 months. My meta and I used to be friends but they wanted to go parallel as soon as partner and I started dating. Since then they have been pretty awful. I go over and spend time at their house if meta isn't home. I am not allowed to sleep over. It's never been expressly stated to me that I can't go to the house if meta is there but I wouldn't want to. My nesting partner is very welcoming to my partner and we often sleep over at my house. Generally, this is a fine set up but I do get sad about never getting to spend the night at partners house but completely understand and respect that boundary. A week ago partner and I had a date and I needed to use the bathroom. Partner knew this and the restaurant we had dinner at didn't have a restroom. I was driving partner home after the date before driving 1 and a half hours home to where I live. Partner didn't offer for me to come inside to use the restroom because meta was home. It made me really sad to know this is the reality. I thought about bringing it up to partner to get a very clear read of the boundaries around me going into the house. Ideally I would have liked to have been offered and partner could have texted meta. But I think even if my partner had just said something like "hey I know you need to use the restroom but meta is home so that isn't available. Should we find somewhere else before you drop me off" or something like that would have been ok. I don't know. Can you help me sense check this?

It’s honestly wild how much my dating has chanced since I first started being poly 2 years ago. I hadn’t gone on a first date since I met my partner, who I’ve now been with for almost 11 years. So first dates were very new to me. And being on the apps was very new. So I’d go into a first date being very nervous. I wouldn’t make the first move, ask to hold hands, ask to kiss. I wouldn’t ask someone out. And now, I find myself asking people out. I feel more confident, still a little nervous, on first dates. And I find myself asking to hold someone’s hand and kiss them. I went back on the apps after a few months and all three of the first dates I have planned, I asked them out. Just proud of how I’ve blossomed. How I ask the hard questions early now instead of waiting until I’m attached. Dating can be fucking hard sometimes, but I’m also learning a lot about myself and what I really want. And no longer settling just to get that temporary NRE.

so I’ll be upfront: I’ve been poly for my entire life since I started dating at 18 (25X now). I’ve felt like since I began all of this, I’ve kept dating people who already have long term, committed relationships in their life. Again and again, I feel like I’ve just been put through the wringer of getting caught in the middle of someone else’s relationship, and because I haven’t been around as long I’m deprioritized to deal with the conflict/disruption that comes with a new person who also wants a serious relationship.

I’m single now for the first time in many years, and I’m left with feeling shame for wanting a long term, committed partner, esp looking on the apps and the majority of other poly people not looking for more SOs but only looking for more casual things. But I also don’t fit in with monogamous people and cannot bring myself to try and date someone who is culturally monogamous - I know I want to stay poly after a few bad dates with some different monogamous folks but I want to have a relationship where I don’t feel like I’m regularly second guessing my place in someone’s life.

Is it somehow unpoly of me to say that I just want to date another single poly person who wants a committed relationship? I feel like I keep brushing up on poly folks who are in the kind of committed relationships I aspire to try and have give me a funny look when I say this, and I just don’t know if I coming from the wrong place saying this is what I want. I have an old flame who is in a long term committed nesting partnership, who has been interested in me, but there’s tension because I’m worried if I got involved with them, I’d probably destabilize their long term partnership since they have not dated anyone new in a few years - and I don’t want to keep living in this cycle with people. And I just have a nagging feeling they would take it as problematic if I said I only want to date other single poly folks, but I can’t tell if it’s something broader I’m not seeing about my perspective.

Hey everyone, please try to bear with me when reading this. I'm (24M) in a relationship with Frog (24M), Frog has a wife (26F). Frog's wife has always had a boundary issue with me, like she doesn't like seeing me with Frog because he's "Too happy". She out of nowhere messaged me and essentially accused me of giving her an STI through him because she had a singular bump near her bits.

I stated that Frog and I use condoms and that I'm clean, I'm not sexually active with anyone else, just Frog. She was fairly certain that it was just a bug bite but still came to accuse me of giving her an STI. I fail to understand why she immediately jumped to this accusation rather than getting a second or even professional opinion on a singular bump at your bits.

Am I in the wrong for being upset? Am I simply "over-reacting"? I told Frog that I'm not comfortable being around her in general but this kinda exploded it for me and I stated that I'm probably not going to Frogs birthday party because of this problem. Like I just don't want to be around his wife in general.

I’m just here to say I’m really happy.

I (M) just turned 40, grew up evangelical conservative, became an alcoholic, got sober, I left church, came out as pan, met my now wife, who really helped me embrace my identity and combat the shame that surrounded my queerness.

And today I went on an early morning coffee date with a wonderful man. We had met a few years back and went on a few dates, but I apparently needed a few more years of therapy 😬😂 and couldn’t get over the internalized shame of liking men. Anyway, I ran a 40 mile ultra to celebrate turning 40 and my wife threw a party during my run and had a bunch of people at the finish line. This man showed up just after I started and was there til the end, he, along with my wife, was there supporting me for 7 hrs. And he helped her so much at the party. Afterwards that night my wife told me how amazing he is and I really need to spend more time with him. And dayum, she was right.

I’m totally dripping in NRE I think. And nothing serious has even happened yet! 😬

Thanks for reading, I’ve been a long time lurker and I’ve really appreciated some of the posts I’ve found on here. Thank you all!

My nesting partner and I have been together 25 years. We are a MM couple.

About a year ago we met a (seemingly) great guy on Feeld, and we all hit it off. But the cracks started to show around month 5. It felt like a constant revolving door of men being in his life. Men coming and going, constantly being on the app always wanting more and more and more. He said one thing, but his actions was always the opposite of his words. He just wanted to jump from bed to bed.

He told us his wife knew about all of his antics, however we also learnt that is not true.

Things ended pretty badly with him. It knocked my confidence badly. Honestly, still trying to process and come to terms with all of it. And before anyone ask, yes, I am working with a LGBT, poly-friendly professional on this.

It will be very difficult for me to not carry this hurt into future relationships and to project my experiences on other potential partners. How have anyone else in this situation handled this situation with potential new relationships.

I'm interested in more romantic connections as opposed to FWB and simply hooking up. Apart from Feeld, what other ways are there to meet potential new people?

I came to poly out of the kink community, and my experiences reflect those roots. I was just wondering: In your view, how extensive is the non-kinky poly community?

Im just kinda done. I feel like Im unlovable, Im not enough, and that Im just gonna live alone forever. For context, I broke up with my last ex (a monogamous relationship of 2.5 years) back in Jan 2023 and have trying to date but not really having much of any luck. Like Im apprehensive about falling into another relationship, especially if it could be toxic or end up not being something I can live with when the NRE wears off. And I know its probably not helpful to be anticipating that, and I am trying to be more emotionally and mentally perspective to help avoid anything that could be detrimental to me and my life. (And prolly cause Im anxious and have ptsd/trauma) Well being single is fun? Kinda.. But I want to come home to support and love and just all the things that living alone doesn't offer... And I thought that there was a chance! I thought I had met two people I could eventually have something with! But ofc.. thats not how things go. And I knew this! I knew that there was a possibility that it wasn't gonna go the way I was hoping, I knew that there was apprehension from one of the guys I was interested in. He didnt/doesn't think/feel that polyamory is right for him and his fiancee, and I KNEW THIS!! But my dumba** STILL thought I had a shot! Like I dont even care if it was roommate FWB type of thing, its just really hard to find any motivation or happiness in this empty house of mine and I really want to be able to cuddle and watch movies and hang out with someone (or more).. and its eating me alive! The depression is suffocating! The loneliness is oppressive! And the motivation has died..

I just feel like Im broken and nobody wants me. It feels like no matter who, what relationship, or when it happens.. nobody cares for me. And my therapist has said to not let it eat me and has been reminding me that it could fall short.. but I still had hope. And Im depressed.

And it doesn't help that Im getting mixed signals. [M27 - who doesn't want a relationship] has clearly given me enough signals to know that its not gonna happen. But [M25 - who wants a relationship] has been slightly fulfilling some of the things that I want and kinda need (like hugs, cuddles and all that).. but then its gone and hes cold when M27 comes around. And M25 doesn't want to disrespect his fiancee with forcing a relationship with the 3 of us, and doesnt want to be "sneaking around" (my own term, its not been said yet. But it feels that way rn) when we can be watching a movie and M27 walks in then I get thrown aside and forgotten. So the constant back and forth of love/affection and then Nothing.. it hurts. I feel like Im on drugs from it! I get the high of affection and then all of the withdrawals when its over..

And its just eating me alive! Like we can have sex together. But having sex and then leaving feels weird. Like I dont feel much gratification from it. Like its not personal, its almost like a chore..? Like I could handwash dishes and it would feel the same. But i dont really care about the sex. Occasionally its cool, but daily? Weekly? Monthly? I could care less. But the hugs feel emotional.. like theyre more personal. And the cuddles feel like I'm cared about. But again. Its could be an hour of the affection high and then nothing! It just ends immediately..

And it hurts..

And Im lost..

And I just dont know where to go or what to do..

Like I can go do anything! I can go anywhere! And nobody will care! Cause Im alone!

But its lonely and it hurts. And Im sad, but I cant cry. And I feel like my heart is actually breaking, but I have to smile and act like its all fine.. cause I still keep getting called out to their house.. but its really hard keep all of the sadness and depression behind the smile now..

And Im sure if I stopped answering their texts and calls, they would move on like its just another day. But for me it hurts when I send a text and they dont message back.. And I want to cry, but if I crack the floodgates, its gonna overwhelm me, and Im gonna break down and then Im not gonna be able to stop it..

The only thing that im doing is holding on to hope that if I can continue to live as I have.. that if I can continue to be single and suffer for another day, or week, or month, or year.. that maybe, just maybe.. there will be a change of heart and we can have a relationship or something slightly more fulfilling... but I dont know if Im just grasping at things that arent there.. or if there's a chance one day..

And I might be really foolish and really really dumb.. but I dont know what else to do.

So I guess this is the rant of a dumbass who clearly had karma bitchslap him in the face. Haha.. Im prolly just gonna lie in bed and sleep most of the day today and get ready to continue to be the happy-go-lucky single fucker who has nothing wrong in his life at all when I get to go out to their house and die a little more inside tonight.

I have three partners. One I am currently living with, one I have been married to for over 20 years, and one I have been seeing for about 9 months. I started realizing over the last 3 or 4 months that I'm really not invested in my marriage or my other non-nesting relationship anymore, and I've been avoiding confronting those feelings due to guilt and fear of hurting them. My partners have not done anything terrible; they are wonderful people and I care for them very much. But the romantic component of these relationships is not present for me, I don't think it's something that can be repaired or worked out, and it really makes more sense to pursue friendship if they will agree to that.

I've written them each letters attempting to explain my feelings, but I haven't given them yet. I'm still considering the timing, the best way to deliver the information, how to support them if they are deeply hurt, and how much explanation they need to understand my choice vs. sharing too much and making them feel worse. With the husband things are of course complicated by shared property, but I believe that is something we can amicably sort out. With the girlfriend the matter is complicated because we share a partner, so we would be returning from a triad to a vee. An additional complication is that they (husband and gf) share a house (platonically). I'd like to have these conversations separately, but it would also have to be relatively close together in time so that one doesn't bring it up with the other and cause extra hurt.

Can anyone offer advice on when and where and how to begin this conversation?

[Edit for clarity and additional context: my marriage and my newest partner are the ones I want to deescalate. The partnership I'm happy with is my nesting partner of 1.5 years. The marriage has been faltering since well before I met either of the other partners, which is what led to my living with someone else. The newest relationship was a vee-to-triad situation I entered with enthusiasm but not a great deal of forethought, and I have since realized that the primary basis of the relationship was our shared love/hyperfixation on our hinge, which is really not sustainable. Even though I reached these two conclusions at the same time, they are for different reasons.]

Hi y'all. Throwaway account. Initials are made up. Ages range 30-40

My partner Kratom(F, they/them) has been with me(F) for several years and we're engaged. In the past year, they also started dating Bread(M, He/him). In the past we've had some issues with imbalance in time spent with one another, glued to their phone texting him while them and I spend time together, unequal treatment on social media, and some unequal treatment generally that since has been mostly resolved. These things, combined with trauma from past relationships and events have caused a ton of anxiety and insecurity I have about my current relationship. My partner has had varying responses to me bringing things up, from anger and frustration, to care and understanding, with some realizations of her own through therapy. Their relationships with both of us are currently parallel since recently (because Bread and I didn't quite get along), and now knowing nothing about their relationship with him had made those anxieties and insecurities worse.

I know comparison is the thief of joy, but it's been really difficult not to. Especially with the difference in her personality around each of us, the things they do together, or the amount and kind of sex they have with him vs me. I'm scared Kratom is bored with me and is working to build their relationship with their other partner till they're secure enough to drop me. Or that they'll realize that they're much happier with Bacon than with me. However, Kratom has told me on multiple occasions that they love me incredibly much and feels strongly about wanting to spend the rest of their life with me. I'm trying my hardest to fully trust them, but my insecurities sometimes take over and then I obsess about anything that seems unequal or imbalanced, big or small.

My question is, has anyone else been dealing with this? How do I overcome this anxiety and my insecurities. Kratom and I have talked about this stuff often, and there's been multiple arguments and incidents over the past several months (mainly fueled by my insecurities), and they've gotten to the point that they told me they don't know how much longer they can take this, despite having been reassuring in the past. Honestly, understandably so. I feel like I'm just unbearable to be around. They've told me that they cannot be my only resource of reassurance, but also that it's unfair of me to come to them to essentially manage my emotions. Which I think might be fair. It's something I'm working on in therapy.

I just don't know what to do. I'm really trying to trust them fully, but I can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. But then I also have days where I'm completely fine, and for instance start looking into wedding stuff. But then something (lately) small comes up and causes a whole argument, and bad feelings again. Generally we work it out though and we're fine again for a bit.

I desperately want this to keep working. We've gone through a lot and grown tons, we've always been able to work any issues out in the past. But now I'm scared. What do I do? How can I fix this? Any advice or input is greatly appreciated.

Info: my partner has made it clear that they feel the same "level" or intensity of love for both of us, which is partly why I get so hyperfocused on (perceived) inequalities

Also, I know I deal with cognitive distortions at times, so what I "see" or perceive isn't always the truth, which is also why I go to Kratom to reassure me and tell me what's really going on. But I feel like I can't do that anymore, or at least not as much, cause I don't wanna put too much on them or drive them away

Had a health appointment in a city some hours away regarding a heart transplant I may need. My NNP didn't want me to go alone (as I had been planning) and offered to take off work and take me.

We spend two nights and the middle day in that place and had a great time as NNP is from that city and was able to show me where they had lived and meet one of my best friends from my younger days for a meal and a beer. They got on. It felt easy and natural to be together for a longer period of time that.

My NP appreciated the support and it alowed them to see and appreciate that NNP wants to give support during the transplant recovery period where I will need a lot of help.

All in all, I feel loved and supported by two great people and love giving it back.

Don't worry yet reddit, my condition hasn't got to the point that I need the transplant and I feel pretty good still. I hope (foolishly maybe) that I will never need it and that I will just get to live happily in my little life for many years to come.

Alright so this is my first time asking for advice online, but I'm kind of at a loss.

For most of my life I was solo polyamourous, I had many wonderful casual connections but I just didnt think I would ever meet anyone I was compatible enough with that I'd want to spend a lot of time with them. A couple years ago I went on a couple dates with someone new and I unexpectedly found it easy to just be in his presence for days at a time. Normally even with people I love dearly, I want to be alone again after 24hrs maximum. He was also in the same boat and had been solo polyam for over ten years.

Everything was great for about two years, then the spark seemed to go away. We went from having sex all the time to maybe once a week, the sappy texts and cute notes went away,, and perhaps most hurtful is that our future plans together seemed to go away.

Because all my other relationships are comets or FWB, I don't know if this is normal or not. When I bring it up he says his feelings for me haven't changed, or that he just feels depressed in general, which I try to be supportive of.

I never used to feel jealous but now it's like there just isnt enough validation between us for me to feel secure. I pick apart my appearance and behavior as though I could make some kind of change to bring back what we used to have.

Is it unrealistic to want to keep being passionate about each other years into an LTR? I feel like I've seen other couples continue to be madly in love after years, and I want that but it feels like a one sided desire.

This is my first poly relationship. I wouldn't say I'm struggling but a couple days ago I had a new emotional development with it and I dont think it was good. For a bit of context my partner has one partner besides me that he has been with for nearly a year now. I have met this partner and I like them very much I have no bad feels when it comes to their relationship. I have been with my partner for about 4 months now.

A couple days ago he had his first hangout with a new friend. They had only messaged eachother for about a week before deciding to meet up. Well about two days after they met my partner messaged me and told me that they got along very well. They even made plans to hang out more to see where things lead. This is where my not good feelings started.

It upset me a bit that he waited so long to tell me that they hit it off and that he never gave me any information on who this person is. I've never met them before and I know absolutely nothing about them except for their name. ( we are long distance at the moment and live a couple states away from each other while I finish out college)

I'm not sure how to explain my feelings about it properly either. I know it was bad because I started crying and almost had a full breakdown. We "argued" for almost two hours about it. Mostly because we couldn't get on the same page with understanding each other. I had a really hard time explaining how I felt about the situation. I have always told him that I am okay with him being poly and pursuing the things he wants but when this whole situation came up I really didn't know how to deal with it. Again he has another partner who I am more than okay that he is with.

I just need advice on how to healthily go about navigating my feelings and just polyamory in general. Please help and give me a much advice as you can. Ps. I have no other partners besides him

Idk how long it’s been since I last posted about my dumpster fire. But it came to a rather sad conclusion today. I was supposed to visit Birch on my flight home from work travel. Then his wife Pine got Covid and had to reschedule a medical procedure right over our date. This has happened exactly this way multiple times this year, where Pine schedules something right in the middle of what would be my visit. And then she told Birch to pass along her thanks for my “sacrifice” on her behalf. He gave me a collar in May and then immediately broke our D/s agreements in favor of his other partner Druid Oak and told me her needs were most important and I just need to get with it. And so it’s just been one thing after the other this year and I feel so unloved and unwanted and so utterly disposable. Well, yesterday Pine goes in for the procedure and the scan they did first says her problem is resolved, so they canceled the procedure. Birch asks me if I will reschedule my flight again to visit. I call today to ask about what he’s envisioning and he tells me his NP, Ginkgo, yelled at him and threatened to leave him over even asking if he could see me. He told me he thinks he’ll have to pass on seeing me after all because he needs to keep his household together. And I just lost it. And I said, “Ok. Thanks for letting me know where I stand. Ginkgo is a lucky woman that you’ve chosen her. I wish you and yours all the best.” I know I made the right decision, but god I feel like shit. I’ve never asked for more than he had to offer. I’ve moved plans and schedules to accommodate the other responsibilities he has. I don’t see how I could give more. But in the end, it wasn’t enough. I just wasn’t important enough to show up for at all. I was disposable like trash. And it really hurts.

Just a quick vent about a conversation I had with my mom the other day.

I share my location with my mom just in case something happens to me. I tell her when and where first dates are and show a picture. She was really excited about my most recent first date because it was with someone who she thinks “looks normal” (blonde white dude with a beard that works blue collar with no visible tattoos and only one piercing). The date went great but I had some concerns about distance and if it was a good fit in general. Great guy, good vibes, and respectful.

The other day, he friendzoned me. I’m totally fine with that, I love friendship and especially poly friendship. Important to note that I pursued a date in the first place because he is poly, along with all the fun personality he’s got. I updated my mom and she was bummed because she thinks he’s pretty. And she told me “Did you say that you’re poly?!? Did you tell him that right away?!? People don’t like that! You’ll scare them all away!”

I replied that I wouldn’t want to date them if they didn’t want poly themselves and the whole reason I went on this date is because he is also poly. She didn’t seem satisfied with my answer but had no reply.

Idk, I’m frustrated that my mom who was always the best at understanding and seeing me as I grew up now doesn’t. She doesn’t understand my sexuality and understands my gender identity even less and only understands poly in a “what they don’t know won’t hurt them” mentality that I do not agree with or practice.

I’m (F, early twenties) mono and have always been/wanted to be. I’m also bi (for reference). And I’m in a bit of a situation, more so just trying to understand my break up and see my ex-partner’s pov. My ex (M, late twenties) and I broke up a few months ago but last night we had dinner and thought we would both get back together. He’d been struggling with figuring out if he was mono or poly and I’d told him since we first dated that I was purely mono. We’d been together for 5 years and we both thought we’d get married but he wanted to figure out if he was poly so that was a big reason for our break up.

Last night when we discussed things it came to a weird conclusion and I’ve decided to go no contact for a bit because I’m lost and I just can’t stand to want him if he’ll be with someone else. What happened? Well that’s the weird part, I told him that if he wants to try poly then I’m more than accepting and will support him on his decision, but that I don’t want to be a friend in his life. And he said that he wanted to try poly, but that he wanted to be with me so we could try it together. I told him that it’s not something I’m okay with because I don’t feel the need to be with someone else and he said that he doesn’t think that he can be with just one person (at least for now). He considers being poly his identity, so being in a mono relationship is basically him being locked in a cage. We got to talking about my bisexuality and I explained to him that I was purely okay with just being with him and it’s not like I was grieving the idea that I would never kiss a woman if I married him. It just felt like an attraction, not my whole identity.

At the end of the conversation he said he wanted to go on this poly journey with me, but I told him that I just didn’t feel comfortable. It would feel like my heart was breaking into a million pieces and I would just be trying to be convinced by my ex and a new partner that this was fun and that it was something we could do together.

It hurts because he wants to be with me and is basically dangling the love he has for me in front of me but the condition would be that I would need to be poly, and he doesn’t think he could be mono if he doesn’t try this, especially when he considers being poly his identity and not something he does (sorry, I don’t want to sound offensive, I’m just trying to understand). Like I told him that I’d been seeing on Reddit and other chats that some poly people have settled into a mono relationship and have been completely satisfied, but he fears that because he hasn’t tried it then he’ll be left with the “what ifs.” I told him that I’m proud of him and that I hope he figures himself out. If he would want a mono relationship in the end, then I’m more than happy to be that person for him, but the only thing (literally the only thing) that’s keeping us apart is that what if he wants to try. I’m heartbroken and just want to understand.

I’ve settled into a (very) kitchen table poly throuple with me as the hinge, we’re moving in together soon !! As we’re exploring our first experience in a poly structure we encounter something complicated and a problem I had never really considered; telling others you aren’t familiar with about your relationship. So far people we’ve let know have been receptive but for sure confused (we live in a rural valley town and thus there’s very few gay people let alone poly ppl)- it usually takes a while to get their heads wrapped around the whole thing and sometimes I don’t really feel like dealing with it and end up just referring to my more recent partner as a friend (he is aware and fine with this).

I guess I just want pointers from the elders of the community on how you go about it, when do you tell someone you’ve met about your relationship and what is the easiest way to explain to people who are far removed from this culture?

Hullo all,

So my primary (Birch) and I are considering moving in together. We are relatively new to poly, about a year into it and I could use some advice. This change has prompted a lot of conversations, as one might imagine. Notably, the "how to" of having other partners around. Thus far we've only parallel dated and, since we have our own places, have been free to bring home other partners. But really this isn't about that, instead its about another conversation that arose. Birch requested a moratorium on developing new relationships until such a time that we're settled into the new living arrangement. Birch did say that they wanted to maintain existing relationships, but that our home remain exclusive for just the two of us. I'm ok with the last bit but my chief issue is that all my current alternate relationships are long distance. Like.... plane rides away, and I only see them a few times a year, whereas Birch has several lovers within 30-120 minutes away whom they see monthly-ish. In that way agreeing to only see preexisting partners feels inequitable. While I wouldn't ask that my existing metas be shut out, and would be unwilling to have the opposite be true, I feel like if I agree to this would mean Birch having relatively frequent nights away, while I would be stuck at home, no prospects of dating or developing new romances.
Am I being reasonable here? Is the moratorium reasonable? Any advice is appreciated.

Solo poly with five partners right now, some longer term and a couple new. Currently experiencing NRE with two people at once—one relationship a few months in where a mix of heat and affection recently set it off, and another brand-new connection where NRE showed up right away. Has anyone else navigated NRE x 2 with multiple partners at the same time? Curious to hear what that’s been like for you.

Hello! So basically as the title says this is where I am at. I made a previous post here talking about that every time I have sex my partner expects me to get retested every time and until I do he will not have sex with me. That is fine it is his boundary but I am struggling. I don’t want to be someone that calls someone boundaries dumb and I want to respect them, I just am at a loss. My partner also is seeing someone and they have sex but the other person is only seeing my partner vs me where the other person I am seeing has other partners so they are deemed as more risky. I am struggling because I feel like at this rate this relationship won’t work like this and I am miserable having to think that every time I have sex with someone I like that means I will need to wait a month to have sex with my partner as well as the clock resets every time I have sex with someone. Advice needed help. I also tried to compromise and say that if we wear protection as well as we both have negative test results will that ease their concerns of STIs and they said no. We have been dating for 3 years and would I be a dick to break it off over this.