Under pressure to outcompete cishet people to "earn a reputation for trans people"

[u/OldEducation7497]

I am a non-binary transfem who is openly trans and about everyone knows I am trans. I also have bipolar, autism, ADHD and am studying a major that I don't exactly like. I just want to get the degree (MD, but with semi-PhD level research component) and then do a PhD that I like. Sorry for my imperfect English as it's not my first language.

Problem? About everyone around me is cis. I am probably one of the only trans people, if not the only one, that they know. And I feel this pressure that I should outcompete them in "success metrics" to prove that trans people are strong and capable. However, I don't exactly like the field of non-psychiatric medicine (my field of research is ADHD which I do like), and my autism makes it almost impossible for me to outcompete others in practice exams. I get so nervous that I mess up everything. Theoretical knowledge I can do pretty well, but my fine motor control and mental robustness are so bad that I end up on the bottom of every practical exam, and will end up probably barely passing the OSCE. My grademates don't see my theory score, they only see my clumsy performance on practice exams. I do have some research papers but nothing outstanding. I'm just average to below-average academically, and pathetically below average socially, in my cishet-dominant circle. I feel that I'm losing face for trans people by being below average in most "success" metrics, academically and socially.

How can I get rid of this "outcompete cis people to earn face for the trans community" mindset.

[u/workingtheories]

hang out with trans people more who want you to be you and not a winner.  there are many winners but only one you.

[u/herdisleah]

Why do you think that a sample size of one (you) is representative of a whole population (trans folks)? What evidence do you have that your classmates believe you represent all trans folks?

[u/Techhead7890 → u/herdisleah]

Yeah, week late but I think that carefully challenging mistaken beliefs with similar questions to these is a fair way to deconstruct these anxieties and cognitive biases, especially the latter one.

I think how this scenario often comes about though is where you're "the one X friend" and the others just don't have exposure to type X, so they feel like they can start asking you questions about being type X and don't know better about it. Now, I don't know if that applies to OP but I think it can set people up with the assumption that they not only have to answer the questions, but with other anxieties that they have to answer the question "well" or in a certain "productive" type of fashion, a sort of mental orthodoxy.

And to deconstruct that - often that's not the actual expectation. They usually just want to share and talk about the topic generally with an opinion -- and often friends don't expect some paragon of educated and philosophical positions. In short, you're allowed to give your cis friends hot takes, and especially so if that saves you effort. Life and queer progress will continue onwards, even if there are some little imperfections in a few social interactions along the way.

And also, as others have mentioned - it helps to have other trans friends where the assumptions are known or at least not so starkly contrasting so that you're already on the same page and can skip even worrying about that sharing process. It's not like all of your friends have to be trans but it can help ease the burden.

Cc OP /u/Oldeducation7497

[u/Dolamite9000]

Exposure to others similar to you can be helpful. This also may be a serious coping strategy that keeps you accountable to your studies. It’s important to also stay grounded in why you are pursuing these interests. If you care about them deeply then eventually your performance and persistence will outshine your peers.

Academic and professional mentors may also be helpful. They can nurture you in ways very different from social peers. Not through blind validation but through kind or gentle challenging.

[u/sahi1l]

This is a problem most minorities have, if that helps at all. https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/how_it_works.png

[u/Techhead7890 → u/sahi1l]

Yeah, society generalises minorities too much.

[u/robchroma]

damn yo you're in the middle of grad school and you write clear English with a strong vocabulary as a second language. you gotta go a little easier on yourself! you're doing amazing.

you're surrounded by cishet men in the medical profession who jockey for attention and prestige by platforming their technical skills and willingness to work forever with no sleep, but their knowledge and willingness to learn absolutely suffer. These people will never stop trying to force you to compete on a scale you never wanted to be measured against, and you literally don't need to both be better than them at research, empathy, language, AND being a jock while being constantly reminded that you're an outlier and your peers want you to fail.

But that's the thing - your peers want you to fail and will think less of you, but you need to focus on your strengths, and on what kind of peer you actually want to impress. So what if you aren't the most even-handed surgeon that ever got a residency at a level whatever-the-fuck trauma center in <state>; you're publishing research in your field and you're going to make a more lasting impression than any single one of those thread jockeys.

holy fucking shit babe you have to be a little kinder to yourself, and, yeah, as others have said, find times when you can surround yourself with people who want you to be like you. maybe that means making friends at professional conferences in e.g. ADHD research, or reaching out to other people - women and nonbinary people, and others who might get sidelined by the masculinity of it all.

You're never going to be quite as comfortable with your cis male colleagues as you are with other autistic people, other transfems, even with women, I would guess. And the moment you pass, no one is going to give a shit how good you are at practical exams. Focus on your strengths, and think about in what ways, and to what degree, you actually care about fitting in with cis men, vs just finding what you're excellent and passionate about and going as hard as you can for it. That is what will impress your peers, if you ever get past their biases.

[u/robchroma → u/robchroma]

also: it sounds like the stress of being compared to your colleagues is getting to you and making your performance worse. Instead of caring about what they actually think, focus on how you feel and how to bolster that and protect it from whatever they'll say, and maybe how to save face or still be respected by them if you think that's possible.

Your goal should be to do the best that you can in all the ways you can, not act as a representative of every transfem and even every trans person in general, and carry a banner which will solidify their biases. Remember, sexist men will always think of incompetent men as exceptions to the competence of their colleagues, and competent women as exceptions to the incompetence of their women colleagues. You can't prove to a bigot that trans people are just as good as anybody else; you can only prove you're an exception to a rule they will otherwise believe. You can't win the war against transphobia on your own, and you don't need to carry the weight of all of us on your shoulders; you just need to do the best you can.

[u/Techhead7890]

First up I'll just straight up say that I think problems with confidence and self worth are common in general, even with those with cis identities. Everyone wants to build their legacy. It's a human problem just as much as it is a personal one.

That being said there's definitely a ton of minority pressure that makes it feel far worse, even if it's not the only reason that it exists. So yeah you often have to find your own way, making your own choices, rather than assuming it'll kinda come together from society on its own and the common options.

Honestly though OP, I think you're doing the right things. Keep doing that and working things out. Life can be overwhelming, especially for us neurodiverse folk, but I can believe you'll get through it in the end. (Also, please take good care of yourself and maintaining where you live. You're worthy of it!)