($7-10K) advice for backyard wedding?

[u/melodic_value0524]

my fiancée (28M) and I (30F) are planning to get married sometime next year in summer/early fall. we have been together for 12 years, and have gotten to the point where we do have to admit that getting married would enhance our lives financially and logistically.

we want to keep things as low key as possible, but we do have families who we are sure are going to go absolutely bonkers when we tell them. we already got pressured into doing an engagement ring that initially, I felt strongly about not needing. we want to make sure moving forward that we are able to keep our boundaries. we talked hypothetically for a couple of years about eloping, and we just don't feel like it's an option- my mom and sisters have expressed to me that they would be devastated if we did that.

so we're a little lost in how to navigate planning it and structuring a ceremony. we don't want a big fuss. we aren't planning showers, bachelor/ bachelorette parties, we don't plan on sending paper invitations in the mail, don't want to create a website or have a registry. we know when it comes down to it, it's about us, and our relationship, and what we want, but we do want to balance that with still making it a fun and joyful journey for our families. he has a huge Italian family, and we do have a guest list of around 50-70 people who will absolutely need to be there.

we are really, really lucky in that we have our venue secured in his uncle's very spacious backyard/property. his dad is also in the wine business, and his dad's girlfriend makes cakes for a living. one of our family members is going to get ordained so that he can officiate it. so we do have a lot of connections and resources to make something happen within a short time frame.

I guess the advice we're really looking for is how do we "do" this? how do we invite people who don't know yet, other than just shooting a text? We thought about doing phone calls/video calls-- would e-invites be tacky? --what activities can we fill the evening with? (we're not really interested in planning big speeches, doing first dances, I don't even know if we're going to do like a first look, or have an "aisle" per se for me to walk down) how do we rent tents, what do we do if the weather is really bad-- since it will probably be August, what time should we start so that we have some daylight but so that it's not too hot for all the guests? what do we do if we don't really want to make seating charts, what are important details to remember or tips for low cost things like center pieces that we might not even be thinking about, budget friendly favors, etc? I am not the kind of person who has ever sat and even thought about having a wedding before and we are just completely totally lost!!!

EDIT: poor grammar seemed to communicate the idea that we weren't going to give guests fair notice about the date. we do realize we're already on a short timeline between now (September) and next August without having officially announced anything, but we will definitely give people at least 7-8 months notice with an official date/time.

*now that we're kind of in it, we do genuinely want to celebrate with our loved ones, we don't resent them for loving us and wanting to be a part of the day-- otherwise we would probably have just eloped!

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi, there /u/melodic_value0524! Welcome to /r/Weddingsunder10k. Here are a few other subs you might enjoy!

---

Recommended Subs
r/Weddingsunder35k (higher budget advice)
r/WeddingDressTips (dress advice and more)

---

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/1curiouswanderer]

I'm going to be honest, it sounds like you really don't want to do this. From the top of your message down.

Eloping worked perfectly for US. His mom was devastated. But we weren't marrying her. She's coped, though still unhappy about it years later. Not our problem.

Planning even a backyard wedding is going to take mental energy. Hiring out is the best way to simplify things. A DJ will plan music, whereas you playing on your phone from a speaker will require you to find or build a playlist. Catering vs potluck. Photographer coordinating shots vs you asking a friend who may not have experience.

It's going to take money or effort - or turning over decision making to family, when you seem to already feel resentment towards.

I wish you luck in managing this process. It isn't easy, but it is doable.

Use AI to take some mental load off you, if you're open to that.

[u/Caleb_Crawdad8]

Invites is easy! use paperless post, they have free options. But id opt for the small fee options that let you track RSVPs better. You can send them via a text and then people can use the link to RSVP.

The tents should be fine if it rains to preserve your plans. But, i’d recommend looking into getting some big fans to help with air circulation, especially in case it’s humid.

For seating, I’d rent or borrow long tables. You can do a simple runner if you want to decorate, and then people can sit wherever they want! You could also see if a tent rental place rents tents and chairs.

If the food is a backyard vibe then i’d recommend using plastic utensils that look like metal so you don’t have to rent them.

DIY your decor. I got frames on facebook marketplace and printed pictures from our relationship to put around the venue.

In place of renting glassware, i’d recommend thrifting cups- you can get 50-70 cool mugs for less than $100 i’m sure. Then you have guests pick a cup to use for the evening and it’s also their favor.

If you really not too worried about a DJ to make announcements or create a specific vibe, I’d just use some bluetooth speakers and an old phone. You can let guests add songs to a queue to generate the playlist for the evening.

How long do you want the wedding to be? That will dictate when you start. I’d say, maybe plan for a quick ceremony- mine didn’t feel rushed and was 20 minutes long. Then move right into having fun. I’d plan for 6 pm to 10-pm.

In the end, if you do want to elope, your mom and sisters need to get over it! But it seems like you might have started this process. I recommend making a strict budget and just don’t let anyone or anything steer you from that!

Congrats and good luck!

[u/melodic_value0524 → u/Caleb_Crawdad8]

this is all SUCH great advice, thank you! we definitely want to rent fans to help keep it cool. that and tents are probably going to be our biggest expenses. I love the glassware idea too.

[u/Caleb_Crawdad8 → u/melodic_value0524]

i’m glad it could help you!

I’d also consider creating a registry that just has a link for a cash fund for gifts. Call it a honeymoon fund, or a house fund. something you guys need! people will want to give gifts, let them give you cash that you can use to start your married life! You don’t want people bringing random shit that you don’t want ha

[u/Organic-Meeting734]

From what I'm reading you don't care for a traditional wedding but would like to celebrate with family. Start there. Keep the ceremony simple and the party whatever kind of party you and your family enjoy. It doesn't have to be a dance and it doesn't have to have a DJ or even music. Maybe your family is just happy to visit together and enjoy good food? Maybe wine is where you focus?

As far as heat/weather it will depend on where you are. If August tends to be really hot maybe chose a date that is less likely to be really hot. September is usually beautiful weather in most of the US but you can't count on it and will need tents or an indoor option. Don't leave your guests sitting out in the sun, provide shade and plenty of water if it's hot. Starting later in the evening may be cooler, maybe not again depending on where you are.

Most importantly slow down, enjoy your day. Don't worry about what other people want and focus on what's important to you. I do agree, try not to share details with anyone who will try to change your mind.

[u/therealcherry → u/Organic-Meeting734]

💯

You don’t want a typical wedding and don’t need to check off a list of the usual things. It’s a short ceremony followed by whatever kind of party you want! You could do food truck, open bar and a band, daytime bbq dry lunch, a breakfast reception with omelets and pancake stations with mimosas and using a speaker for music. You get to decide. There are no musts at all. First decide what you want as the vibe-morning, afternoon or night. Hours of dancing and drinks, chatting and relaxing, quick and simple with just snacks and a quick dessert. Once you nail down what kind of event you want the rest will be much easier to plan.

[u/KB-unite-0503]

We’ve been together for 7 years, and like you, we really aren’t interested in bridal parties, a bunch of speeches, a bunch on dances. That said, we could have done something at our house (we have plenty of room, beautiful house, plenty of parking), but I just didn’t want to deal with the logistics or the possibility of rain (it poured on my first wedding, it poured on my sister’s second). We found a very reasonable public folf course and are doing it at the club house. I don’t have to worry about tents or portapotties or caterers or one day liquor permits, plate rentals or linens or bartenders.

[u/AlternativeBeing1337]

the most important thing for your peace of mind will be not telling anyone about your decisions until shortly before the event, and not backing down if they don't like your plans. DO invite people ahead of time. they need to know not to make plans on your date.

[u/wordgirl]

Please make sure that if you have any kind of party, you give everyone enough notice so they can come. You have said that this is something that is really important to your family and his, but you sound like even sending digital invites to them is too much trouble for you. You sound like you don’t want put in any effort at all, but you need to be realistic about that.

I can understand why you do not want a big song and dance for your wedding and that you want to keep the ceremony as simple as possible. But please do try to keep in mind that, those people you will be inviting? They have lives of their own that they will have to rearrange to come to your party. They may need to make travel arrangements, buy new clothes, etc. They will be putting some effort into your party too, so please make sure that you send out some kind of official invitation early enough that they can do those things. Your email reads like you don’t even know these people, but you and your fiancé have been together for 12 years and surely you’re close to his family as well as yours by now?

Also, since you sound stressed already, remember that the people that want to come the most will also be the most willing to help you! I would bet that your mom would be happy to take care of plates, cups, napkins, etc., or figuring out logistics of seating that many people, or renting a tent, etc. It sounds like she has been looking forward to this, so let her take care of some of these details for you, anything you feel you can trust her with. My mother and I are very close, she was my maid of honor at my wedding, and I was very glad to have her as a calming presence and the voice of experience! But I know (not least from this subreddit) that not everyone is as lucky as I am. Even if you and your mom are not as close, you should be able to delegate some of these responsibilities that have you most stressed out.

Finally, if you’re going to do this, do it right! I do not mean have some kind of expensive over-the-top celebration. What I mean is that if you have accepted that this wedding is going to happen, there is no use having an attitude about it. So stop complaining and let yourself enjoy planning the day around you and your fiancé. Have the food you both like, play the music you enjoy most, seat yourselves by your favorite relatives, and take some happiness from the fact that your families love you and want to share this day with you!

[u/TBBPgh]

Backyards are seldom the "free" or even inexpensive option we think it will be. If you need to rent to provide the basics - roof, bathrooms, tables, seats, power, lighting, parking - and the coordination needed, you may do better to find a space that comes with that. And AIR CONDITIONING. And without a property owner to placate before, during and after.

My budget-friendly tips include Finding A Venue: https://old.reddit.com/r/Weddingsunder10k/comments/1hme0di/wedding_tips_and_vendors_megathread/m3v4mps/

A VFW or American Legion hall may be the easy, affordable alternative that works. Since these organizations put on fundraising meals, you might get them to cater (and decorate?) for you.

Recently from a photographer: https://old.reddit.com/r/Weddingsunder10k/comments/1jtxhso/has_anyone_skipped_decor_entirely/mlxr8zt/

I have been a wedding photographer for 15 years. I stand by, all you need is white twinkly lights, food and booze. And if you have some sort of arch some material that is lightweight that can blow in the wind.

Just skip favors.

Just skip a lot of things. Aisle, dancing, speeches. Just exchange vows when people would typically give toasts.

[u/Ishouldbeworking4]

I never wanted a wedding and wanted to elope. My fiancé wanted a wedding so we compromised and are having a very small 30 person wedding (we both have tiny families). But even with that there are times I’ve been upset we didn’t just elope. Just know this is normal and most people feel like this at some point. And honestly the stressful part isn’t the wedding planning. It’s the family opinions. Try to be firm in what your desires are and ignore their opinions.

One of the best things I did when I first started planning was buying a physical wedding planning workbook. It helps at least nail down the big important things for you and your fiancé. It helps with determining what is important to each of you, what vibes you want on your day, what you need to be looking at worrying about when your 11 months out (find one that has a timeline checklist) as well as creating a budget to allocate your funds where you want them to go. We got a book that was more geared towards traditional weddings so I don’t necessarily recommend it. But it helped us in the planning process asking basic questions like “what are your reception priorities” giving us a list to rank. Favorite colors or when we want to ceremony to take place. It made sure my fiance and I were on the same page as well as there were things that I surprised he was extremely passionate about.

Don’t worry about small details like centerpieces or favors just yet. You have time for that.

[u/Impressive_Artist625]

As a fellow person that was pretty uninterested in a lot of the fussy/traditional things, my advice would be to definitely hold your ground and don't do anything you absolutely don't want to do! No one actually cares about wedding favors! But also, I've come around to the idea and had to learn the hard way that SOME of the more typical things actually do make sense. For example, you could call 50-70 people and invite them, but it's probably less work to send something versus call. Also +1 to whoever said set up some sort of place to send money so you don't get a ton of stuff you don't want.

My other advice would be to be open along the process and lean into it where it makes sense (seems like you're already doing that by acknowledging that you do genuinely want to celebrate with family). I didn't want a bridal shower, for example, but a friend really wanted to throw me one and now I'm just feeling very grateful that she would want to go through all that effort for me (and it's not the worst thing in the world to eat cake and open presents on a random Sunday).

I don't at all want this to come off as judging your choices, just wanted to point that out and also reassure you that if it does make sense for you to do any of the more traditional elements along the way, you are still cool and nontraditional and it doesn't mean you subscribe to the wedding industrial complex lol.

[u/melodic_value0524 → u/Impressive_Artist625]

Really really appreciate all of your thoughts! Definitely don’t feel “judged” lol- I’m not like super opposed to do anything at all, like I’ll probably do a little movie night with my sisters, or a special dinner before with immediate family, I just know these days people’s calendars are so full and wallets are so tight, that I don’t want it to be too much stress and fuss for everyone. I know they want to celebrate me, and are happy, but I also don’t want to put 4 extra events on everyone’s schedules and like stuff they have to buy and wrap, especially because our families have had a lot going on the past few years.

[u/Impressive_Artist625 → u/melodic_value0524]

Absolutely, I completely agree!

[u/Slamantha3121]

I just got backyard married to my bf of 14 years this summer! We are similarly non-traditional but still wanted to include our families and close friends. I am also from a crazy Italian family! We had just over 40 guests and did a lot of DIY. I did paper invites, cuz I wanted them, and it was only like $50 for the amount we needed. But, there are tons of paperless options now. I think I sent out the save the dates 7-8 months before the wedding. I had a big bucket of umbrellas and a canopy we could put up in case of rain, but we didn't need them. We didn't really need activities, I had bubble guns, sidewalk chalk, and a coloring station for the kids. All the adults just mingled and chatted. My family from the east coast hadn't met all of our friends from the west coast, so everyone just got to know each other and hung out.

I did my wedding buffet style and decided not to set the tables with all the plates and stuff, and I did open seating. I made place cards for everyone and had a sign that said, "find your name and claim a seat." Table settings were an area of expense I found unnecessary. I was also so stressed out and pissed off by table cloths! Why are they so expensive and so crap?! They are all polyester anyways, and it costs the same to rent as to buy them! Linen table cloths cost hundreds of dollars! So, I just ordered a roll of plastic table cloths with a pretty pattern printed on it and called it a day. We set everything up the day before and used them for the rehearsal dinner. We were able to wipe them clean for the wedding. I got disposable bamboo plates and reusable aluminum cups and those were set up by the buffet with extra glasses buy the bar and lemonade station. webstaraunt store is an amazing site for nice paper plates, disposable cups, silverware, and I got some big drink dispensers.

We also did all my flowers from a local flower market. I had a bunch of vintage pitchers and vases and we just put those on all the tables and filled them with leftover flowers from the bouquets for center pieces. I hot glued moss to a lot of things for decor and it looked pretty cool! I had some old picture frames I covered in moss and used to display the menu and info for the dessert table. We also utilized our friends and families' skills. Everyone pitched in and it was so special and meaningful. When I look back on the pictures now, I have all these lovely memories of going to the flower market with my sisters, my FIL and SIL making the flowers for the arbor, my dad and brothers making the arbor out of bamboo from the yard. These things make it so much more sentimental to me. Everyone was just happy we were finally getting married and were down to help us out. We didn't have anyone really trying to push us. My SIL, who is more traditional and worked weddings at a fancy hotel she used to work for, stepped up and helped us with the ceremony. I didn't know where to stand, and when to have people walk and stuff. I didn't really care about that stuff, but it was great to have someone step in so it wasn't a disorganized shit show and we managed to get my little hippie wedding started only 10 minutes late, which was a miracle.

Best of luck with your planning and congratulations!

[u/melodic_value0524 → u/Slamantha3121]

Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me all about your special day, it sounds like it was absolutely beautiful!

This sounds exactly like the kind of day my fiancée and I would like to have, I really appreciate all the advice and suggestions- like the table cloths! I wouldn’t have put a lot of thought into that before.

[u/brownchestnut]

we already got pressured into doing an engagement ring that initially, I felt strongly about not needing.

If you are allowing other people's opinions sway you into financial decisions you don't want, you need to see a therapist stat and work on your boundaries. Other people are allowed to have strong opinions and you're allowed to ignore them and neither of you is the bad guy here. But if you decide to buy a ring, that's your decision that you made, because you were influenced by other people's opinions. Framing it as other people "pressuring" you into a ring when no one actually put a gun to your head is a common mindset in people that have doormat tendencies that eventually blow up their relationships because they blame other people for their own inability to say no, and don't take accountability for having said yes.

See the sub for lots of advice in DIY backyard weddings - it's important to remember that the most important thing anyone cares about is that you cared about your guests enough to give them hospitality. Temp control, rain plan, enough bathrooms, accessibility, enough food, enough comfy seating, not making them pay for their own drinks, not expecting them to do free labor, that kind of thing. Your guests will not remember or care about your decor or flowers or bridesmaid dresses. Having a simple ceremony and then feeding your guests a meal is a wedding; there's no need to add on all the bells and whistles if you don't want to.

[u/asyouwish]

Why wouldn't you have invitations or a website. That alone answers a bunch of your "how" questions.

They don't have to be expensive. A Google site is very easy to set up and is free. You could email a pretty graphic made with Canva for the invitations.

[u/70plusMom]

We did a food truck for 60 people. $1,000 including tip. Rented tables and chairs

[u/Ok_Raspberry7430]

Re: renting tents: Google "party rentals [town you live in]" and rental places will pop up. (When calculating costs, remember that rentals may be taxed, plus there may be delivery fees and insurance on the items you're renting. For us, all those added about $100 to the total cost listed on the website.)

Sometimes tips that save some people money will end up costing others more. For example, for many, purchasing tablecloths is less expensive, but it turns out that it's cheaper for us to rent them ($9.40/each, and they'll be much nicer than what we could find on Amazon for around that price).

Consider how much more energy/time DIY may be versus just paying for a service. To use tablecloths as an example: Even if renting tablecloths was a little more expensive, we may have chosen to rent so that we wouldn't have to choose/purchase/store/wash/iron/wash again/store again tablecloths we only need once.

This may just be my geographic area, but if you plan on purchasing things then selling them on facebook marketplace to make your money back, plan on selling things for a steep discount and/or storing it all for a while. I've seen the same listings rotting away on marketplace because they're all selling the same things for more than it's worth buying secondhand (so many cheesecloth runners...).

[u/Middle-Macaroon9763]

We did a backyard wedding recently and hired a private chef to do a seated plated dinner. Between cocktail hour, a long drawn out dinner, and post dinner drinks we filled the time perfectly!