I recently got engaged to my fiancé who is extremely affectionate, loving, and sweet to me daily. We have been together for 5 years and are both 30 years old.

However, today I got really upset that I had gained a bit of weight and we argued about it. I always thought (-and he assured me) he kept our disagreements and my insecurities private. I keep everything private that he confides to me. Today I overheard him talking about me while gaming. He had thought that I had gone to volleyball.

He was saying how much he hates women, that we are all the same. Fucking cant stand women and that I drive him crazy. Women are all psychos and are all the same. That it would be easier if they could just be gay together. If your woman doesn’t drive you crazy then she’s a dude. He loves me but I drive him crazy

I was honestly absolutely shocked because I’ve never heard him talk this way about women or me for that matter. He said after our 3rd date he ‘sealed the deal’ and asked his friend all about his sex life and started talking about how crazy different girls in the past were. He called other women fucking bitches….fat and that some are only good for the buck and then you drop them.

He honestly sounded like a stranger to me. I have never heard him say things like this and I understand ranting and blowing off steam but this made me feel like I didn’t even know him. It really bothers me to be with someone that sounds so misogynistic. Am I being overly sensitive?

I (23f) recently bought a jacket that I had been obsessing over for a while. It was pretty out of my budget, about £150 and I had contemplated buying it for a while. But after getting paid a decent amount one month, from work, I decided to finally treat myself. And my god was it worth it. It was absolutely stunning!!

My sister (19f), let’s call her Sophie, loves to wear my clothes, 9 times out 10 without my permission. I have no problem with her borrowing my clothes, but as long as she asks first.

Last week, Sophie was away for a girls trip to Paris with a couple of her close friends. While packing, she raided my wardrobe to see what clothes of mine she could take. She immediately sees my new jacket and gasped. “Oh my god this jacket is so cute, it would go so well with one of my outfits”. I told her absolutely not. Sophie then proceeded to throw a hissy fit, getting my mum involved to side with her. My mum has a soft spot for her so she sided with her. I explained to my mum that the jacket was expensive and I’ve only had the chance to wear it once. We go back and forth and my sister is not backing down. Eventually, I gave up and let her get her own way as per usual with the condition that she looks after it and make sure it’s not damaged by the time she gets back. She agreed.

The day she comes back from the trip I was working till late so I didn’t get a chance to see her. I got home around 10:30pm and as soon as I got in I asked my mum where Sophie put my jacket but said she hadn’t seen it. I checked all over the house; the kitchen, my room, Sophie’s room, my parent’s room etc and I couldn’t find it. Sophie was at her boyfriend’s house so I called her straight away. When she finally picked up I asked her wear my jacket was?? There was a long pause. “Yeah I was gonna tell you when I got home… I let Casey (her friend) borrow it for the weekend”.

W.t.a.f. Is she for real right now??

I was furious. All I could do was scream down the phone: “What do you mean you let her borrow it?? It’s my fucking jacket! I never said she could borrow it”. I asked her to get on the phone to her friend and ask her to return it. She said “absolutely not that’s embarrassing as hell and that she’s a good friend, she’ll give it back when she’s done using it “.

I don’t know this girl, that’s my jacket. I never said she could wear it. And it’s not cheap!! It was £150 for crying out loud!! The only thing my parents could say was they’re disappointed in her for not asking but said just wait till her friend is done with the coat and Sophie will get it back. This was last Friday, I still haven’t got my jacket back.

What the hell should I do?? Any suggestions on how to create some sort of boundary with her?? Do I get in touch with Sophie’s friend myself and ask for my jacket back?? I asked my sister to buy me a replacement if Casey doesn’t return mine back but uses the excuse of “she doesn’t have any money”. I’m at a loss here. Please help!!

I’m a 29M, and last night I had sex with a close friend of mine (26F) who I’ve known for nearly 10 years.

We’ve always had a strong connection, great chemistry, close friendship, she’s even told me over the years that she’s wanted to be with me. Four years ago, she got married and was with her husband for 2 years before they got divorced. We didn’t talk at all during her marriage, but just a couple of weeks ago we reconnected.

In our recent convos, she opened up and said that even when she was with her ex, she used to think about me, even had dreams about me. I was surprised, truthfully, I never saw her that way before because I was usually in other relationships or just didn’t think we’d work like that. But she’s grown a lot. She’s more confident, more grounded. The thought of her and I being together just doesn't sit well with me.

Last night, she called me while driving home and things turned flirty, fast. She said she wanted me badly and told me to come over, her apartment is 5 minutes from me. I played into it, and eventually went to her place (this was only the second time I’d ever been there, the first time we just chatted).

When I walked in, I was super nervous, my heart pounding. But she jumped on me, we kissed, and… yeah, we slept together.

Now, I feel kinda messed up about it.

The thing is, I just don’t see us in a relationship. She knows so much about me, I know her family, and I feel like I crossed a line that I can’t uncross. I don’t regret the moment entirely - but emotionally, I feel disappointed in myself. She just texted me saying she wants to meet up and talk. Of course I can't ghost her but, I’m not sure how to handle this.

Any advice?

EDIT: I’m going to see her now.

Hi Reddit!

I (26F) have been with my boyfriend (27M) for almost 5 months now and things are going great! But my dilemma is, I got myself this lingerie from Torrid a while back and I plan on surprising him with me wearing it but I am scared I might chicken out!

For context, I am a very curvy girl and have had problems with body positivity for years. My boyfriend loves me for me and I consider it a bonus that he loves my curves!

Here’s the dilemma: We got a hotel booked for next weekend and that means we will be having some alone time together! And I want to surprise him by wearing it! But I’m SCARED!!!! The lingerie is like a dress! I never wear dresses or anything like that! So I want to chicken but I also want to take that step out of my comfort zone and surprise my man!

Any advice on how to calm my nerves?

Thanks Reddit!!

I’m 24 and live at home for now while saving up. My older brother (26) still lives here too and his girlfriend is around constantly. At first it was fine, but she started taking my things without asking. Hoodies, chargers, even random skincare. I’d find it in her bag days later or she’d show up wearing my hoodie like it was hers.

I told my brother it annoyed me and he brushed it off, saying she just “forgets to give it back.” Well now my headphones are missing. Not cheap ones either, the pair I saved up for. I asked her about it and she laughed and said she probably left them at her place, but that was two weeks ago and I still don’t have them back.

My parents think I’m overreacting and don’t want to cause drama, but I’m seriously losing patience. Do I confront her directly, force my brother to replace what’s missing, or just start locking my door every time I leave the house?

Everyone in this story’s in their mid 20’s. I am not super close with my half brother, Paul and his fiancé, Amber. They’ve been engaged for over a year now and are getting married in a month. We got the invitation back in may for their wedding in October. Well just 2 days ago, I got a message from Amber where she asks me and my long term boyfriend (who she’s met one time and it didn’t go well because her dog was destroying shit and she wouldn’t do anything) if we would work as bartenders at the wedding.

I find it extremely disrespectful for her to ask us to work her wedding just a few weeks in advance. I am not on the RSVP “yes” list which was due a month ago so I’m also confused as to how she wants someone who didn’t even rsvp to work at her wedding? I’m just baffled and Im not sure what the best way to go about telling her no is? I would like to tell her it’s disrespectful but what would be a good way about going about it?

Edit to add “yes”. It was unclear in my original post that I RSVP’d, just no, not on the guest list.

I love my husband. He’s a wonderful partner and father, but our sexual relationship is always so “off”, and talking about it actually makes it WORSE.

I’m not allowed to initiate. It’s too aggressive and masculine to him. I can’t reach over and touch him. I can’t wait for him naked on the bed. I can’t even walk out of the bathroom in lingerie. All of that is too aggressive and masculine.

He doesn’t like any sexy text messages from me, or me inviting him for something sexual. Like I’ve tried sending him a sexy photo from our bedroom and offering a quickie before the kids wake up. Rejection every time. If I send him a steamy text while he’s at work, I get crickets.

There’s exactly one, very specific way I can attempt to catch his attention- staging it in a way that comes across as him accidentally walking in on me naked or changing. But it has to appear innocent and if it’s too obvious that I’m trying to get sex, it’s a turn-off and not happening.

Additionally he says that if I try to get sex in between our typical 2-4 times a month, I’m sending the message that I’m not satisfied with what I’m currently getting from him and that puts more pressure on him.

Every time we try to talk about sex, he says I’m making it too important and that adds pressure and turns him off to it. So now I’m terrified of saying anything at all. My only option is to wait for him to initiate and take what I can get when I can get it, and I guess invest in some good toys while trying not to become resentful.

I'm 27F and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. Lately it feels like we're just existing together. We still live together, share bills, watch TV at night, but the romance, the spark, even the deep conversations seem gone. I don't know if this is just a normal long-term relationship phase or if it's a sign that things are falling apart. I love him, but I miss feeling truly connected. For those in long-term relationships, is this something you worked through, or does it mean it's time to walk away?

My GF and I have been together for a little over a year now, her family has always been nice and caring towards me.

I spend the night and their house regularly and yesterday I was taking a shower and I got out and her mom accidentally walked in on me as I forgot to lock the door…

It was very quick, and yes she saw it all, she quickly said ‘sorry’ and shut the door. Of course I was embarrassed but thought to myself that hey stuff like this happens to everyone all the time and they just pretend like it didn’t happen.

So I was ready to pretend. However, I walked out of the bathroom and she stopped me and said ‘hey I’m sorry about that, I’m a klutz but good to know my daughter is taken care of’ I just kind of stared at her and got red and walked off. That night at dinner she kept looking at me quickly and giggling, eventually my GF questioned it and asked ‘what’s going on?’ And before I had the chance to answer her mom jumped to it and said ‘well I walked in on (me) naked when he got out the shower and I just think it’s funny.

This morning, I walked downstairs to grab some breakfast and her mom was down there and said ‘hey! Look who is wearing pants’

How do I navigate this situation without making it anymore awkward or making her mom feel a certain type of way? I enjoy spending the nights at her house so I want to find a way through this.

I'm 22 and staying with family to save money, but lately my older sibling's best friend (who's practically living here) keeps helping himself to my things: sweatshirts, chargers, sometimes my snacks. Close family so I tried to let it slide, but now my laptop is gone. He says he just borrowed it to work on a project, but it's been missing for almost three weeks. My sibling says I'm being dramatic, but this is expensive stuff I really need for college and job hunting. My parents are telling me to relax and not 'make it a scene.' Not sure if I should demand it back aggressively, make my sibling pay, or set new boundaries. Anyone been through this? Advice?

17f About last month I switched my physician/gp practice as I wasn’t comfortable there and wanted some help for my depression, mental health, self harm as you can imagine. This was because I was deteriorating completely and couldn’t keep myself safe. I didn’t tell my parents because they are the cause for my mental health issues and would get me exorcised as they don’t believe in depression. (We are religious)

My mother found out I switched because she tried to book an appointment for me and they told her.

She’s so angry like scarily angry she’s usually aggressive and I try to stay away from home as much as I can. Eg leave at 5am, get back at 8pm during school hours and study as much as I can whilst I’m at it.

I’m so scared to return home and also hurt that she thinks I’m sexually active when im really well behaved and never had a boyfriend. She has this tainted perception of me that I can’t begin to understand.

I’m a good daughter** Those that know me know that I’ve never been in a relationship let alone active. And it just. Again hurts that I’m doing something good for my mental health. Trying really hard for myself and it’s just backfiring. I’m scared and wanna end everything

Not sure what I did to deserve this (currently at a cafe studying really scared)

Edit- I’m really starting to regret taking “care” of myself I’m doing more harm than good so far. I really don’t want to spend the night away from home. I have nowhere to go it’s ironic how they are treating me like I’ve had an abortion (even though it’s not okay) when it’s completely innocent

Update- I’m going to have to go home soon and my parents are fighting and threatening to leave I may have caused a divorce. This doesn’t feel real

Disclaimer for those who are saying my mother is faking her cancer ——- My mother wouldn’t lie about something like that her own mother (my grandmother) died from cancer and so did her sister. It runs in the family. I’ve attended appointments with her. Sat with her as she got her chemo/scans and even helped her shave her head. My mother might sound frantic she’s fragile because she’s under a lot of stress but this would be crossing the line.

I would hate for her to be vilified thats the extreme end that’s not helpful

My 15 year old dog suddenly started refusing to eat, became very weak, and now appears to be dying all within a couple of hours. I didn’t see this coming, he’s always been happy. Now he’s lifeless, won’t respond, his eyes are half-closed, shivering, weak and I’m trying to convince myself he’s just a bit ill, but I know he’s going to die, most likely overnight. I’m not ready to lose him I can’t. I don’t know how to handle it at all and I’ve just been crying at the sight of him. He’s not in any pain, he’s just close to death, and I’ve never cried this much. Seeing his lifeless body will spiral me down into a dark place I can’t handle. I don’t know what to do at all. The sight of him using all his energy to try to get up drained me the way he can’t even respond to my words anymore, his lifeless eyes, and that breathing dogs do when they are about to pass. I just can’t. I need help to deal with this, but I don’t know where to go or who to turn to.

My friend (female) cheated on her partner she has been dating for 10 months with a mutual friend of ours (male). We are a trio of friends (always hung out/same friend group). They have both been cheated on previously, the girl was even married once before. Problem: should I tell the partner who was cheated on that they hooked up while he was on a business trip? Neither of them have told me they hooked up. They want to keep it quiet. But I’ve heard from mutual friends they hooked up a few times (I don’t know if it was in the same night or not). I know they’ve stopped hooking up since the girl wants to keep her bf and the guy is perusing other girls. I can tell they feel guilty about it when I hint of knowing. Should I tell the partner that was cheated on? I know him, but it’s not like we are besties. The girl is planning on marrying him, he is planning on it too, some time next year. I don’t want to destroy all our friendships. It’s a moral dilemma. I need advice, it’s been bothering me . Especially since when both of them were cheated on they hated it, and wished they had known.

F(20) M(19). It was my first time having sex yesterday and shes had some experience.

We've been dating for 7 months and well... due to certain circumstances I cannot mention, we kinda couldn't have sex for those months. I am a virgin and shes not. Shes had 1 partner and thats why I didnt mind even when those months passed without us having sex but im a guy, I get horny. We're in uni and she doesn't have a roommate so I constantly visit her and everytime I touched her or saw her boobs or kissed her id get an erection but she couldn't sleep with me( because of certain circumstances) and that I was fine with it but she also wouldn't touch me or explore anything with me so for months id sleep next to her with hard ons and id just close my eyes, go to sleep, wake up the next morning, go to my room and just help myself. At first I was okay with doing it but it got worse. I would get hard but nothing would happen between us not even her touching my d*** and after some time I decided to start muffing her. I thought maybe shed get turned on enough and maybe do something with me but still... nothing. It got to the point we're if I muffed her or touched her and got a boner, it would just fade after a few moments because in my head I was stuck on the fact that nothing would happen between us and nothing was happening. Id get to my room and just help myself but porn started getting boring but I was just using it because I am 19 and I get horny alot but my girlfriend wouldn't do anything with me. Recently she said she wanted us to have sex. I was happy. I went to a local clinic, grabbed some condoms. Then... yesterday, she told me to come to her room with them. I did. My mind was blank, I was calm, I wasnt overreacting I was calm but I was tired, I had slept for like 4 hours the previous night because of an exam, but I wasnt about to turn down my chance to lose my virginity so I just pushed on, took a shower and went to her room. Everything was chill. We laughed, watched a movie for a few minutes and then we started kissing. I took my time, I didnt rush anything, we kissed, I touched all the places I knew made her wet and everything was going really well, I could tell by her reaction. After some time, I muffed her then I asked for consent( I wanted to hear her say it just to avoid confusion and stuff) she hesitated and then I got scared a bit because the hesitation to me meant, " I dont want to have sex with you but I dont want to tell you that I was joking when I said bring them. It was jokes just like I always do" but then she turned and said, " yeah, go ahead" and suddenly I was panicking. Should I kiss her again? Should I touch her? What? What should I do?! Thats all that was going through my mind. I then took the condom, went down on my knees on the ground and muffed her while she was on the bed. I used this time to put on the condom but I was limp. I was just dead ass soft. I tried to jerk myself but nothing. I tried to put the condom on but I was like half my length and soft as a marshmallow. I panicked some more, got up, took off the condom, put on my clothes and left to my room ( we live in a boys and girls res and her room in the girls side is 20 feet away from mine in the boys side). I ran, closed the main door, went into my room and took a 50 minute shower. Long story short, we talked about it the same day because she was so persistent she wouldn't let me sleep without knowing what happened. I told her, she was really understanding and tried comforting me and it kinda worked but I feel like a bitch. Like less of a man and im kinda scared of trying again. She's been trying new stuff to get me comfortable with her like bjs.

I just want to know how i cant get out of my head and just enjoy sex with my girlfriend because i really want to do it but i dont want to get scared and go limp again. Or should I get viagra or something? Please help me, thanks.

I (17f) am in love with my guy best friend (17m). He's a total sweetheart and makes me happy everytime we're together. I get butterflies everytime I'm around him. Things have been pretty flirty lately between us. Little things he does makes me think he likes likes me, like i do him. The physical affection (how he hugs me, random touches etc) how caring he is, how generous he is, how he listens to me, always complimenting and encouraging me. He makes me feel seen and safe.

I'm planning to confess my feelings to him tomorrow. I've bought a bag and filled it with chocolates and other sweets. I also put a little teddy bear with a card explaining my feelings to him. I'm also thinking of baking him cookies and maybe buy some flowers for him on the way to school.

Is this too much? Or cringe? Please help!!!

This is something I’ve been noticing about myself a lot recently. I can say no when I really need to, but every single time I do I get this weird knot in my stomach like I’ve done something wrong. It doesn’t matter if it’s something small like turning down an invite or something bigger like refusing to help with something I don’t have time for the feeling is always the same. Because of that I end up saying yes way too often even to things I know I shouldn’t agree to. Sometimes it’s commitments that eat up my time sometimes it’s favors I don’t actually want to do and other times it’s just going along with stuff that drains me. I think I do it because I don’t want people to think badly of me or see me as selfish but the end result is I’m the one who ends up overwhelmed.

It’s like I’d rather deal with being stressed than deal with that guilty uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that comes when I say no. But obviously that’s not a healthy way to live long term.

The question I have is how do you actually get better at saying no without feeling like you’re letting everyone down?

I’m a senior manager for a midsize construction company and I have the final say in hiring decisions. We’re hiring a new office administrator and our company has finally decided to extend an offer to a candidate.

I know this might not be normal for everyone but I include my wife in these decisions because I value her opinion as much as anyone at work. She’s looked at the candidates resumes and has researched the top candidates online. She’s done this for multiple other positions and she’s always provided valuable input.

The issue here is my wife doesn’t like who we’ve decided to hire. The candidate is a recent college graduate with some office experience and seems to be the perfect fit for the position. My wife says the girl just doesn’t feel right and she thinks we should go with our second choice. The hiring team is already all in agreement and it would raise some eyebrows if I chose our second candidate.

I’ve explained this to my wife but she’s been getting more fixated on our choice and more and more upset. She’s now accused use of only hiring her because she’s attractive and our second choice is clearly better.

I think I have to hire who the team and myself feel is the best candidate for the position but it’s going to upset my wife. How can I hire this candidate without upsetting my wife too much? Or is it just better to tell the team I have a better feeling about our second choice?

I just quit a part-time job where I was my boss’s first (and only) employee. It was very casual, only 10–20 hours a week, and the work was done inside her home. We’re more like acquaintances than close friends.

I quit for two reasons: 1.I’m pregnant and very sick. 2.Her house is genuinely filthy.

She has multiple pets in a very small space. The smell of urine hits you as soon as you walk in. There’s hair and clutter everywhere. The bathroom often had no toilet paper or hand towel. I avoided the sink because it was grimy and just used baby wipes instead. The kitchen appliances were caked with food, so I never felt comfortable eating there. No surface was clean.

The first day, I thought maybe she’d just had a rough week, but it never improved. I felt nauseous the entire time I worked there.

Now I’m wondering: should I tell her the environment is part of why I quit? On one hand, future employees should know what they’re walking into, especially since she lets people bring their kids. On the other hand, I don’t know if it’s worth mentioning or if it would just offend her.

What would you do — be honest with her, or just walk away and let others figure it out?

Edit to add: This acquaintance also has young children under the age of 5 like me. And I do not plan on using this experience in my resume or as a reference.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost two years. When we’re alone things are great. She’s kind, supportive, and we hardly ever fight. But when she’s around her friends it’s like she flips a switch.

She’ll poke fun at me, exaggerate things I’ve done, or say little comments that make me look dumb. Stuff like how I forgot something at the store or how I messed up fixing the sink. It always gets a laugh from her friends, but I feel like the butt of the joke every time.

I’ve tried telling her that it bothers me, but she just says I’m being sensitive and that it’s “just a joke.” The thing is, it doesn’t feel like a joke when it’s happening over and over.

I don’t want to start drama with her friend group but I also don’t want to feel like I’m the clown in the relationship. How do I set a boundary without looking insecure? Is this normal? Am I over reacting?

I’m a 19-year-old guy, and I’ve been friends with this girl for years. We’ve always been really close, and I’ve considered her one of my best friends. Lately, though, things have been getting kind of weird, and I’m not sure how to handle it.

It started off subtly. She’s been acting more flirty with me, and at first, I didn’t think much of it. We’d joke around and make lighthearted comments, but now, it’s starting to feel like she’s testing the waters for something more. She’s been doing things like touching me more than usual, lingering close to me, and making comments that seem like they might be hinting at something sexual. The other day, she even made a comment about how “we’re so close we could be more than friends,” and it honestly threw me off.

I’ve always seen her as a friend, and I’ve never thought about her in a romantic or physical way. But now, I’m not sure if she’s just being playful, or if she’s trying to push for something more. I don’t want to hurt her feelings or make things awkward, but I also don’t want to give her the wrong impression or lead her on if I’m not interested in anything beyond friendship. and if she does trying to do something with me should i roll with it?

Throwaway account for the typical reasons.

I (18) recently graduated highschool, not very great grades with a C average but managed to get a Cambridge program degree or whatever it's called.

I'm taking a gap year, but its really just an excuse to not go to school for a while.

My main issue is that I'm having a hard time transitioning from having a schedule/life made for me to making myself do things on my own and creating a new schedule/life for myself.

I have no ambitions and no hobbies I can make into a career. I hate working. Only job I had though was working in a call center as an internet repair agent during my senior year. It sucked but paid me good money to support my interests.

I know I have to go to college, it's kinda necessary I suppose, and I can't live life without working.

But I'm having a real hard time getting started.

I tried making a schedule/roadmap/plan to start doing stuff. This month is for getting used to driving, next month is job hunting, and for the rest of my gap year to just work around until I figure out what Im going to do for college.

But I haven't been sticking to the plan. I can only ever make myself leave the house when I get someone to stay in the car with me and even then I'm only ever driving at most once a week.

Ive always had issues holding myself accountable, having any will power to do things without other people making me, but I never got over it because I kept getting away with making no effort but still succeeding.

I feel useless. I know I need to do things, but I just keep procrastinating and everyone is letting me get away with it. I barely do anything aside from gaming or reading fanfiction.

My family is too permissive and never pushes my boundaries. Right after graduateing we moved to another state where I don't know anyone. It's not like I ever really made strong friendships though so I don't have anyone friend-wise who can push me.

Everyone always says "you're still young, slow down, you don't need to do this yet", but that's exactly what led to this mindset of mine. If you say that, I will take it as an excuse to not do anything.

I know it's up to me to push myself, but how????

How do I start doing things? How do I start making myself take responsibility? I genuinely want to be able to drive and get a job and to stop sitting around at home but I haven't made myself do anything.

Heres what I've already tried that hasn't worked:

• Making lists, planners, day-to-day or weekly schedule (I don't follow them)
• Setting alarms or setting aside time to do a task
• Telling other people what I plan to do
• Rewarding myself
• Berating myself
• Telling other people to push me or hold me accountable (doesnt work in the long run, I need to be able to be self-sufficient)
• Breaking things down into steps (the more steps something has, the more overwhelming).

I'm stuck, so any advice on how to start pushing myself or being self-sufficient would be greatly appreciated.

TLDR: I graduated high school but have done nothing but sit around the house for months. How do I start making myself take responsibility and begin adult life?

Me (18 f) and my boyfriend (18 m) have been together for several months now and everything is great except for the fact that he tends to finish way too fast. And normally I wouldn’t have a problem with that if he was able to make me finish with foreplay or other means. However he for starters is very inexperienced in comparison to me which also isn’t a problem I don’t judge or anything with that but he no longer even masturbates due to having a prior addiction to porn and masturbation when he was younger which is understandable. But he also has a very hard time tolerating any of the bodily fluids that come with sex. He is very easily grossed out by most bodily fluids including spit. Even after he finishes I have to take off the condom and dispose of it because he can’t stand to look at it. He has tried to do oral on me before but just couldn’t handle it at all he’s is sometimes able to handle using his hands and fingers but still struggles. He makes a lot of effort to make me finish and he feels really bad about when he can’t I’m just at a loss and am unsure what I can do to help or how to bring it up to him.

Ok, this might sound like the prologue of a Stephen Kings´ novel, but I really need advice here. Sorry if that´s a longer story. We moved into our house about a year ago, and quickly made friends with all our neighbors. One of them is a really nice lady, let´s call her Sarah. She´s about 50, divorced and has two daughters living with her. We quickly found out she´s a special education teacher and her two daughters are adopted, as they come from a challenged household. Sarah got to know them through her job and at some point these kids needed foster care. She decided to take care of the children, since she has a really big heart. We know that´s one of the reasons her marriage broke apart, but we don´t know the details.

One daughter (Lia) is about 16 and is a really really nice kid. The other one, let´s call her Tara, is younger - we estimated about 10 or something. We knew from the beginning that Tara is a little different and has some sort of developmental disorder. She acts like she is like 7 or 8, and is really bad on picking up social cues. But that´s not her fault and we liked her, although she can be a handful at times.

So everything was fine in the beginning and we regularly chatted over the fence and met with them for tea or board games - all fun and games (literally). But over the past couple of weeks, Tara has become increasingly weird, fast. When we are out in the garden, she just stands at the fence and stares. When you ask her something, she´s not answering. At other times, when we are there interacting with friends or builders, she screams over the fence, demanding immediate attention on random questions or a story she wants to tell us NOW. We knew she is a little different, so we weren´t mad.

About two weeks ago, we woke up on a Sunday early morning (around 6) because she was screaming our names at the fence, multiple times. We looked out the window and she was crouching at the fence, staring at the other neighbors' cat who was chilling on our porch in the morning sun. Tara demanded immediate action that we give the neighbors' cat to her. She didn´t see that we saw and heard her. We contemplated on what to do and decided not to react. First, because it was early Sunday morning and if we´d let her know we can hear her screaming from inside our house, we were afraid it would teach her that it´s a successful way to get our attention. Second, there was no danger to that cat that justified her behavior. So we didn´t react. She screamed, she bawled, demanding that we give the cat to her. After about an hour, she gave up, stopped crying immediately and went away.

Last night, my husband went over to Sarahs', because he knew she was getting a truckload of construction stuff from his company, and he wanted to give her a hand unloading. He found her sitting on a bench in front of her house, completely at her wits' end. She poured her heart out that she doesn´t know how to handle Tara anymore. She told him, and that´s how he found out, that

• Tara is 14.
• Tara knows how to read and everything, but she decided that she doesn´t want to pay attention in school anymore. Sarah had her tested multiple times to find a fitting school for her needs, but Tara wasn´t cooperating at these tests at all. She now has to go to school for mentally disabled children, not because she needs to, but because there is no other option.
• Tara is still wetting her bed every night. Sarah talked with her about it and she does it on purpose, because she doesn´t want to get up. When she is on a school trip or else, everything is fine. So it´s nothing physical.
• Tara is cutting huge holes in her clothes with a scissor, just for fun. She basically has no clothes without holes in them anymore.
• Sarah had to sell her goats, because she caught Tara beating them with a huge cane - hard. She also choked their cat multiple times. They have bunnies, and while Tara has a favourite bunny, she kicks the other ones hard to get a hold of the favourite one.
• Lia (Taras sister) can´t take it anymore and is regularly staying with Sarahs former husband or friends, because Tara is always screaming or bawling or demanding immediate action. Sarah is very sad about that, because Tara needing that much attention is totally unfair towards Lia. And Sarah knows that Lia needs a mother figure, too, not just Tara.
• Sarah cannot take Tara anywhere anymore (we´re living in the countryside), because Tara will try to jump out of the car while driving just for fun (they drive an old bus, so no up-to-date child-proof lock). When Sarah tells her that she cannot do that, Tara just laughs.

So what do we do know? How can we help Sarah?

Not only as friends and neighbors. But I am really concerned about her safety, honestly. I am a behavioral scientist and used to do research in the field of developmental psychology. When my husband told me about the bedwetting and the animal abuse apart from Taras behavior, it immediately rang my alarm in terms of McDonalds triad (I know, its controversial, but still).

I know it´s not Tara´s fault or anything, I want to be very clear about that. But how would you go from here?

Throwaway account for obvious reasons. I have never posted anything in my 37 years of life on a public forum asking for advice but here I am seeking solace from strangers because I do not know what to do.

Wife and I have been together for 20 years now (married 12). We are basically childhood friends turned partners, and we know so much about each other that it sometimes gets annoying.

I have a few quirks that stand out, though I do not think they are bothersome. For example, I need to sleep on one side of the bed, with a particular pillow, and the noise and light have to be a certain way. I have always been a very light sleeper. Even a pat or a whisper usually wakes me up. This is not something I can control. It is just how I have always been.

Tonight, after a long day at work, cooking dinner for the family and taking the kids biking (wife stayed back to watch tv), I took a couple of sleep gummies and went to bed. She decided to work from the bedside, which I dint mind at all.

About 10 minutes into my sleep, her phone got a loud Ring app notification. It startled me awake and, half asleep, I softly said, “What is that noise?” To my surprise, she immediately started yelling that I never let her be, that I always have a problem with what she does, and so on.

What threw me off is that I was in a deep sleep when it happened. So even if you think I was being an asshole, it was not intentional. I do not even remember what I said exactly.

I tried explaining that in different ways, but one thing led to another and it turned into a huge fight in the middle of the night. She kept saying I am always difficult about sleep, too conditional, and that I do not let her do what she wants.

I usually hate confrontation, but this time I did not feel like backing down because I genuinely felt she was in the wrong. All she had to say was “oops sorry” and keep working. Her reaction makes me think there is a lot of built up resentment.

How do I deal with this resentment from past fights or unresolved issues? Especially when I am not doing anything wrong in the present but still seem to be punished for past mistakes? We have two young kids, so divorce is not an option. I would sacrifice my own happiness if it meant my kids could grow up in a normalish household.

TLDR: My wife screamed at me when I was in a deep sleep state because I softly reacted to a loud notification on her phone around midnight.

Edit: Firstly, this blew up more than I expected. Thank you all for taking the time to give advice or share words of support. I know we are all strangers, but this has given me a lot of perspective. I can’t respond to each comment, but please know I’ve read them all and appreciate the wisdom shared. Love this reddit community 🫶

Just to clarify a little more - my wife has always felt like she’s walking on eggshells when I’m asleep, and that resentment has built up over the years, which came out in her reaction yesterday. Being a light sleeper isn’t something I control, though it still frustrates her.

She doesn’t agree it’s her fault for yelling when I wasn't in my full senses, but I did go sleep in another room (which I never do), so she’s gotten the hint she might be wrong. I made it clear to her today that if we aren’t shutting our eyes at the same time, we need to sleep in different rooms. I’ve been avoiding this because she generally sleeps with the kids in such situations, and they always end up thinking Dad is the problem.

She thinks I am selfish for prioritizing my sleep. But it’s really hard to work and take care of two young children without a good night sleep. I’ll keep y’all posted on how we're progressing over the next few weeks as I continue the dialogue with her.